WaterfallMachine

The more I know, the more I'm overcome with how much I don't know. I had some level of arrogance. Not the "Everything is perfect and I'm better than everyone," extreme of arrogance, considering that I've been in personal development for a couple years now. But I do have some major level growth of being less assuming that I'll figure out something as fast or know more than I do. Throughout my entire personal development, I'll always have this transition period where when I become more deeply self aware of more of my own weaknesses, mediocrities and lack of knowledge, I'll have to recover from it emotionally. Being depressed, in fear, ashamed, angry at myself and the others like it isn't a particularly enjoyable time. So can someone please tell me some suggestions of how out of this period faster, or at least manage it?

@snowleopard @Nahm Well, I'm aware that there is some additional shadows inside me I need to work on. I've been through more than 15 mental health treatments for years on my own, and got diagnosed with PTSD by a therapist recently. Apparently I've been denying the possibility of that diagnosis for a while. And Nahm, when I mean less ego, I don't mean the state of less ego, I mean the emotions created to cling to the ego too much. It's "less" in a sense is that it's beginning to slip away somehow, but, it's not actually gone. Sorry if I created a misunderstanding here.

A question you might like to ask is what was the point of putting in habit restrictions in the first place? Usually when people place limits on habits, it's usually because there's a limited amount of willpower you can use in a day. Think of your willpower as a battery that runs out over time and needs to be recharged with leisure and sleep everyday. So to limit habits is a good practice for being able to implement some progress directed in one area rather than spreading out to different areas without any reasonable progress in any of them. As a habit is practiced over time, it usually means that it would take less willpower from your battery at a time. And so it frees up space for other habits to try. Some people try 1 habit a month for everyone, but I disagree with that. The thing is everyone has their own individual amount of willpower in their batteries. Some have more. Some have less. Some have more when it comes to certain areas of life or interests, and some have less on those. I notice as I did more personal development, over time I could take more difficult habits. Using up more willpower from my batteries made the amount even higher. And when I'm stressed or going through a rough period, it gets lower. It changes over time. So I suggest you observe yourself. But I'd err on the side of taking on less than more if I were you, as quick and many often means giving up from how overwhelming it is too soon. But slow and steady lasts for longer, and so creates more progress in the long term.

Thank you all of you for dropping by. Really. Thank you for those who provided some comfort and insights. From the first, I relaxed somewhat. From the second, I learned something that would help me. I'm better, but still depressed at some level. I guess it's not just this specific insight but the grieving over how my own ego seems to be dying, and all the positive sounding traps and illusions from it. It felt like an addiction withdrawal to me, and when I googled the symptoms of drug withdrawal symptoms, it's . . . surprisingly similar. Odd to think of our addiction to our ego as practically like a drug addiction. I'll remember you guys when I get back to my practice. For now, I'll take it easy. Well, take care.

Some people see ideas for its own sake. Some people would rather see the process for it. People say ideas aren’t useful, but there are many jobs out there that do some meaningful work with ideas. The idea people and the practical work together somehow. Like how scientists may collect new theories, and enginners may find practical outputs for them. Or how artists may pour ideas of change for sociey in their work, and people in relevant positions from akl walks of life can apply them.

1. What is your personal experience with this? Well, sure being stressed and shy around people makes me more withdrawn, but even when I enjoy being with people, I feel drained after enough time has passed. It feels like I’m sensitive and more easily overwhelemed to high arousal emotions like excitement. I’m more comfortable with being more mellow and relaxed . . . which being alone in quiet spaces allow. My thoughts seem to slow down and I can’t keep up with fast paced conversations anymore, and my alone time allows me to focus deeply and slowly on one thing. When I’m drained socially, it’s like I’ve been running on a track for a long long long time. My breath speeds up. My legs can get a bit noodly. It seems like the world is squeezing me in. I get worn out and can get cranky if I don’t give myself enough solitude. I get the need to think through ideas, beliefs and decisions in life and without that, I end up grumpy. 2. What is a general explanation of why introverts/extroverts get drained/energized? If you google introvert and extrovert brains, there really is an inborn difference. In the book Quiet by Susan Cain — a world famous speaker on introverts — a psychologist exposed babies to loud sounds and colorful sights. The babies who were distressed to too much stimuli were more likely to grow up as introverts and the babies who weren’t often grew up extroverted. Introverts are shown to absorb more information in their brains — making them sensitive to too much risk and exposure to people compared to extroverts but also allowing them to observe and reflect upon more information in comparison. Extroverts are more quick in decisions, allowing them to catch opportunites better but also be more predisposed to making uninformed decisions — such as being more likely to have an addiction to drugs. Introverts think more slowly, so they can’t adapt to the moment as quickly or be more afraid but can prevent risks and observe issues no one has noticed.

I’d say strategy requires some Systems Thinking skills — the study of things that have elements, are interconnected, have a purpose, are self sustaining and evolving. Finding a book on this would do you wonders. You can’t strategize on something you can’t deeply understand, and Systems Thinking supports that. Another thing about strategizing is not just planning things into the future, but understanding how the past has evolved over time in the long term. Whether how fast or slow progress is, whether how issues tend to focus on certain areas or obstacles recurring over and over again — it’s important to see that. A skill in making decisions I’d recommend is knowing cognitive biases — prejudices in the information we pay attention that can affect every decision we make. There are books on them, but you’ll find many resources on this online. Another is being aware of paradigms — ways of seeing the world on a large scale — like a religious or political belief that affect our decisions as well. Leo has a video on this. Another skill in strategizing is being able to create ideas on what to do well. Googling creative thinking techniques is useful to me, as well as Edward de Bono and Michael Michalko well.

Ah yes, putting something into words can be very powerful. People say actions speak louder than words, but without words, the towers of literature, of science, of personal development, of politics and of nearly everything in life couldn’t be communicated. It’s like being mute and not being able to say a word, but to put it into words, it finally seems to exist in the world — not just to others, but to you yourself. Understanding is a kind of change in itself.

Ah yes, it’s scary to be yourself. I’ve had problems with being open like that too, and the possibility and instances of rejection broke my heart many times. To deal with fears, you need to take smaller steps. First, you need to achieve some acceptance towards yourself before looking for acceptance from others. You don’t need to do completely, as some stages of acceptance really require help from other people, but enough to ease you in to the process. To accept, you need to be aware of your intentions, your thoughts, your emotions and what goals you really care most about in your life. Sometimes when you look for approval, you think you know what you want but you actually are mistaking other’s desires for yours. The next stage would be to have self compassion for yourself through things like self compassion meditation or exercises. The next step is to find the easiest person or place to open up to. I think it’d be a good idea to research attachment theory if you haven’t so already for this. If you can trust just at least one person deeply — in real life or even online, then it’d be easier to trust people outside of those areas. Take care.

Mbti doesn’t tell you everything, of course. Seeing mbti as something that “boxes” you in is a misunderstanding of it. It’s meant to be a guideline, not a crystal ball, and anyone who uses it to stereotype people is giving it a bad name. Other people have explained it well to you enough, and if you explore this forum, there’ll be other threads discussing the same issue. I recommend the site Personality Junkie and Personality Hacker for personal development using mbti. So like you ask, I thought I’d offer you a comprehensive story of my experience with it. —— I’ve used mbti for a few years for personal development. Around 2-3 years now that I think about it. I was a pretty obvious INTP the first time I’ve taken the test, fitting many of the criteria too well. INTPs have dominant Ti and auxiliary Ne. Dom Ti, for simplicity’s sake, is a focus on accuracy of beliefs and truth, often lending itself a value on wisdom in personal development. Aux Ne is a focus on the big picture of several possiblities at once. To find the truth, I had to explore the possibilites first, and aux Ne wasn’t something I had well. I developed it through brainstorming, finding novel interests and new situations, and I found insights I never had before. I was terrified of them, and still was, but I managed to learn an important lesson. I couldn’t find my own truth without exploring the possiblites around it, and I’d need as many perspectives as possible. It taught me a sense of optimism, of risk taking and of hope. I slowly began on the next function which was Tertiary Si, which is a focus on past memories and details. As I explored possibilities, I realized I made the same mistakes over and over I could only heal by focusing on the past. With Ne, I found more options, but without Si, I couldn’t stick to the details to implement these ideas in my actual life. I found it excruciatingly mundane to do so — but I managed to find discipline and practicality in my life. I still need adjustments to it at times though. Last is inferior Fe which is a focus on the emotional values of other people. I think of it as the most excruciatingly embarassing, terrifying and uncomfortable development I’ve ever done in my life. I’ve wondered around wondering why I couldn’t figure out wisdom by thinking anymore, and somehow I realized some wisdom can only be learned by feeling. I’ve learned to empathize, open up emotionally and use the insights I’ve learned from Ti, Ne and Si to share to others. I’m still working on it — and it’s . . .something I rather avoid, but somehow I keep coming back whenever I spend time ignoring these issues. I’m not as much as an obvious INTP as before now that I’ve balanced my traits somewhat. ..Eh, life can be weird. I’d give you that.

Did you ever watch Leo’s video on paradigms? If not — I suggest you watch it. But to put it simply — there are different schools of thought in healing emotionally, and to only use one of these schools of thought is limiting. Thoughts must be changed. But emotions also need to be accepted. Both have to heal this way to change. Affirmations focus on changing thoughts, as well as cognitive behavioral therapy and every positive thinking tool. But practices like meditation, yoga, parenting the inner child or the creative arts focus on accepting emotions. Western practices often focus on thought change. Eastern practices often focus on emotional acceptance.

Maybe it’d be easier to type down your ideas rather than a physical notebook. When ideas are attached to a computer — you can’t really move it around to lose it that easily. And with mobile tablets or phones — the part that it’s pricey makes it more likely that you’ll focus on not losing them. I’ve found probably hundreds of blogs through my personal development, but James Clear always seem to have had the best advice on discipline. https://jamesclear.com/behavioral-psychology https://jamesclear.com/habits https://jamesclear.com/motivation https://jamesclear.com/procrastination

Yes, I can relate to seeing it similarly that way before. It can really be frustrating. To change others, both parties must be willing. To change others beliefs logically — you have to find the root cause of what makes them have disbelief towards your ideas — that you can only figure out by listening to them. As well as provide the ideas to replace these beliefs simply enough — since people resist the more effort it takes to understand. To change others emotionally — you have to be able to figure out whether they need more toughening or nurturing — then take this into account in action. You already know about toughening but there’s another side to the coin. Some people change their minds more when they’re communicated the issue slowly, gently, preventing them from running away from the issue entirely — especially when they’re already hard on themselves in other parts of their lives. . .Many people think more rationally when they’re calmer, and a state like that can be reached when they’re given ample time to be listened to, to have their emotions validated and so on. Yeah, it’s complicated. I have trouble with it too.

It's an addiction. It's like the craving a once addicted smoker has after a few months of not smoking. They feel the craving whenever they see someone else smoking cigarette. Their thoughts wander around to it when they're lying down exhausted on their bed. They eye cigarettes in a store but push themselves to rush past it. That's what it's like for me with lying. Life has been going smoothly for me these past few months — But I've gotten back to being depressed. So much work has been piling up lately. My confidence to handle it goes down. Then my confidence in life in general starts withering. And so I end up thinking about this again. It's been several months since I've been on lying sprees. I lied because I wanted praise. I lied because I believed without accomplishments — you were worthless and a loser. People currently around me are supportive but I have this irrational suspicion that because I'm no longer lying — no one really accepts me. Yes, I know that's the stress talking. But what do I do about it? I've been slowly practicing being vulnerable for more than a year but it seems too hard, too slow, and it takes so much effort to put my full trust even with people I'm close to even if they're affirming. I can't seem to admit this in full detail in real life (I only lied bragging on the internet). I'm ashamed. But I seem to at least be able to ask help here. Please, I don't want to go back. But I can't stop thinking about it.

I am not expecting much from strangers. That's why I said it was simply a suggestion. I didn't want to force people to learn this for something they're not payed for. So I emphasized their choice. There was a possibility that someone would change their ways here so I posted a thread on it even if not everyone like this would bother. Anyway, for the others on this thread, thank you for your insights. I'll go ponder on it myself.

What is with people here? One of the key guidelines to advising is knowing what it's like to not know what you know. Imagine not knowing anything about personal development. Nothing about meditation. Nothing about mindset. Nothing about discipline. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Then you get odd ideas like, "You are the universe." "In a deeper level, you know everything." "Your ego is just making you think you are superior or inferior when actually everyone is equal." You'd think, "The fuck. What is this mambo jumbo bullshit?" Even if you knew some background into this and was open — new information you find isn't going to help you much. This is the kind of stuff that makes people so skeptical of ideas like spirituality. It's too vague. Dig up some examples. Sprinkle some analogies. Throw in some methods to realize this. Chop up their worldviews with arguments. Splash in some quotes from someone who explains it with more quality. Muse on a damn story. Draw a line around the boundaries with a definition. Anything other than a sentence with barely enough explanation. The ideal is to have people know something both in an abstract level as well as a concrete level. I'm not telling you that you have to do this. Everyone has a different style of advising and you're free to do what you want — I'm just suggesting another perspective. If you have any objections or criticisms, feel free to tell me. Which means : Abstract level." It allows an understanding of the theory. 1. Plan English. "Enlightenment is oneness without being similar." It provides a direct to the point statement when needed. Useful for clearing up misunderstandings. But many people overuse this to the point of being too vague. 2. Analogies allow some deeper understanding of the theory. "Enlightenment is like a carpet. It has different shapes and colors inside it but they are all part of the same carpet." 3. Definitions. "Enlightenment is nothingness. Not the nothingness of pure black. Or something empty. It's not the word or the idea of nothingness. It's just nothingness." It allows a more precise understanding of what we're talking about here. Some people talk about the same words but not the same ideas. Concrete level It allows understanding of the practical side of this. 1. Examples allow you to see the idea in everyday life. "Look at a book. When you remove the ideas around it — its history, your memories, what the use of a book is, its cultural ideas and your ideas of what to do with it in the future. Remove that. Just see the book with pure seeing." 2. Methods. Needed for obvious reasons. Something like Leo's Practical Guide to Enlightenment on the Meditation forum. If I remember correctly, it goes like this, "Who are you?" "Who are you?" "No — who the fuck are you?!" The different questions are the methods. He also provides some tips arnd warnings. 3. Stories. This provides some emotional influence with the reader. What's more inspiring and motivating? A scientific study on growth mindset? Or a story about a man struck in poverty and finding the hope to make a living for his family? Objective information allows for the right decisions, but feelings are what motivates to go towards these decisions. ----- I based it from this. https://betterexplained.com/articles/adept-method/ Yes, it's for math. ADEPT technique. Analogies. Diagram. Example. Plain English. Technical. Somewhere sooner or later as a STEM student, I realized this could also be used for science concepts that didn't use math. Then I realized it could be used for ideas like history or politics. One day I thought it could be used to understand and teach personal development. Just change the technical to not the mathematical definiton or equation to a definiton about the life concept. And change the diagram of it to a life advice context picture. And boom. Eureka!

Interesting. I thought of this concept myself but changed my mind on putting it. In my opinion, you don't teach someone by limiting the information and expecting them to figure it out. It's laying down all the available sides of information and telling them to treat that as a guideline. It's like giving people different successful maps to finding treasure. They're all different but they are similar in certain ways that can act as a clue. The goal was never to copy a map to a different piece of treasure that other people already found but to treat all that as a guide to create your own map. The natural lack of your own map is already a training to thinking for yourself — rather than removing all the guide maps or to rip different parts out of the guide maps. This is because from studying the science and art of creativity — I've learned original ideas often don't come in isolation. They come from inspiration from other ideas. Einstein could only create the original idea of the theory of relativity because of the basic physics already created. Shakespeare could only create his own original writings because it was founded on the idea of the English language in the first place. Though, on the other hand, it also could be a matter of context like you said. It'd be still useful to allow the people to think for themselves even without any guidelines. Guidelines carry with them certain assumptions that can be hard to remove. Think of the openness of a child compared to a more cynical adult. So it'd be useful to to allow people to figure things out themselves and form ideas without preconceived notions. Then only after — guides can be given.

Haha. I used to have the same bad habit too and I still do at times. Knowledge made me feel safe — I thought the answer to all life's problems was just knowing enough to solve it. I remember being high strung in the middle of a car ride. My legs shaking from the nervous energy. My breath quick and my eyes flitting around wondering what to do. I kept thinking and thinking. But then there was the sunset. The glorious red and orange colors taking a rest for the day. Rather than huched back, I leaned on the leather seat in relief. I watched in quietness as night came, the buildings and the people went by. It was a stillness. A calm. A tranquility. I thought I could only be happy and safe if I was thinking. But it seemed — there were insights you could find only by being there without thinking a thing in the world. ---------- You have to figure out the specific reasons why you're so scared. Ask why? Then after asking why, ask why are you doing it really? Keep going — even for repeated practice on days — until you find that there's nothing more to find. Awareness diffuses the fear. After all — It might not just be the environment around you that needs clarity. It could be to clear up the confusion of what's going on inside you too. People doing this exercise find that that they realize a lot of unexpected motivations inside themselves. Another thing is finding ways to relax that don't require much information gathering or much thinking. Something physical — like exercise. Maybe something mentally light like listening to instrumental music. The more you become comfortable with not knowing, the easier this becomes. Many people who find comfort with thinking too much are people who don't take enough action. When they learn too much by getting inside their heads, they don't learn enough by real world experience. They fear the real world but the only way to be really certain of things is to try it yourself and see what happens. That's how you gain the confidence to live without constantly thinking.

I remember reading a book called Essentialism by Greg Mckeon. It was a book on the art of focusing on what's essential in life and cutting up all the unnecessary parts of it. One was to to take time to think. I remember in another book there was a team focusing on finding a way to deal with traffic. They discussed it among themselves. They planned for it. They organized for it. They gathered the materials and people needed. They expanded the road so more cars could pass. But seeing this, people just bought more cars and even more people drove. And traffic was the same as before. They acted on it well. But what about their thinking on it? Their ideas of what the root causes of the problem are? It wasn't as solid as their action. Efficiency without thinking of the accuracy of their beliefs about the situation was faulty. And that is what caused them to fail. I remember watching some kind of drama as a child. It told a story of a man who was shy and nervous around a girl he liked. And wanting this — he took up guitar and singing. The ladies love the guitar guy, right? Later on, he was able to get famous. It was utterly fantastic he thought. But the drone of being a star began turning more and more monotone and routine. One day, he watched the girl he liked pass by the street laughing with another man. He realized with a pain in his heart that he has forgotten the reason of why he has done this in the first place. So without thinking of what you care about, what is meaningful and what is valuable to you — not society — you can't direct yourself well. And you cannot realize this with only action — reflection on how you act is needed too. In the Art of Thinking Clearly by Rolf Dobelli, a book on common thinking errors, he emphasizes the bias of action. Some people think that acting more and more means they accomplish more. But like the people solving traffic there, they could need more thinking. Or like a leisurely gardener waiting for the plants to grow after watering them — all what's needed is patience . So enjoy thinking. Long as you don't make it into overthinking — you'll learn a lot.

What is this? Is this related to the mindfulness or what? I had this big acceleration of the feeling of peacefulness one day. I can't explain it perfectly enough —but I experienced that all meaning in life is just made by the human mind. But instead of creating a feeling of emptiness — it allowed a freedom to what I wanted to do in my life. It's not perfectly sustained — sometimes I have to work to get it back. But it sticks around more— even for hours straight. After that — I notice I eat less — sometimes I even skip breakfast without feeling that hungry. And when I do eat breakfast — it tends to be smaller portions. The food throughout the day is in smaller portions too. I sleep less — often 7 hours a day or even less at times and for most of the next day, I feel alert. Though, with the exception of spending too much time with people — lots of work needs to be done in teams these days where I am — but even with that amount, it still seems to have more energy than before. I had this experience recently that lasted for a day — that involved tearing through most of my life's assumptions of how great I was in one painful ripping. I fell asleep exhausted for more than 2 hours. After a certain point — everything just seemed different. . . Usually when I get to states like this, it shocks me. Depresses me. Terrifies me. Disturbs me. Disgusts me. Angers me. But instead of that I just got . . . used to it. What happened?

@Joseph Maynor @Nahm Thanks for the descriptions. Unfortunately, I've been going through one of those ripping out identity sequences again a day after I posted this and I'm still stuck with it. Damn. Here we go again. . .

@Ryan_047 No money for therapy? I had a similar lack of access to therapy when I was depressed. Check out 7 Cups of Tea. A site with free volunteer listeners. They're trained by the 7 cups site with courses on different problems such as — relationship problems, social anxiety, depression, etc. They are not as good as actual therapists — but many of them have went through similar problems with their mental health themselves and many have good advice on dealing with that. They're also very warm — I distrusted everybody when I was depressed. I had this belief if everyone knew the real me — they'd abandon me. Think of me as weak. I was constantly fearing what they would think of me. But I was able to trust them. There are free sites online with different instructions for treatments. I've tried muscle progression relaxation, hypnosis, cognitive behavioral therapy exercises, mindfulness and meditation, physical exercise (research say they boost mood), going outside in nature more (research also says this boosts mood), gratitude exercises, awe walks, research on positive psychology, Enneagram (A study of the types of fears, anger and shame we have in life and how to deal with them in a healthy manner. ), VIA Strengths test (Knowing and using strengths in daily life boost confidence and sense of control) or happiness psychology on free sites like Coursera and so on. Its best done with a therapist sure — but the internet is full of vast information to help you. Even if you have a therapist — you often only meet him or her once a week. Most of the time spent through the days is done without one and you'd have to learn how to survive without one. There are many experienced practioners like actual therapists and psychologists who give out their advice online — so there's still room for help even without paying for one. I recommend you this site to start with. Good luck. https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/ Also VIA Strengths seem especially useful for confidence. https://www.viacharacter.org/www/ Enneagram also seems very useful for dealing with the trauma @Mad Max mentions. Here are the descriptions of the types. https://www.enneagraminstitute.com/ As well as a free email subscription with short reflections, lessons and practices for everyday for enneagram. https://subscriptions.enneagraminstitute.com/subscribers/create Scott Jeffrey's article series on Alchemical Transformation seems useful for treatment. His Shadow Work article is the best one I've found. https://scottjeffrey.com/guides/

It has been one of the most life changing things I've ever learned. It does not predict 100% who you are but it does give an amazing guideline on what is likely who you are. One thing to get into for Mbti in personal development is developing your functions. Mbti says there are introverts or extroverts, intuitives or sensors, thinking or feeling and perceiving or judgement. Developing your functions often means that if you're a sensor, you can develop your intuitive function. If you're a feeler, you can develop your thinking function. And so on. What developing each function means for each person : Introverted functions : These functions help you reflect on your inner decisions and information — especially beneficial for extroverts who head into action and get "busy" without taking time to ponder. It allows more depth in life. Extroverted functions : These functions help someone get into the world more, getting exposed and offering something to other people's motivations and information to give — especially beneficial for introverts who stay too closeminded or attached into their own ways without listening to other's ideas and decisions. It allows a more expansive view in life. Intuitive functions : These functions help guide a person to analyze the big picture in their life and the world. It helps them to create a strategy, a vision or brainstorm ideas to change themselves and others. Sensing functions : These functions help a person to carry out what they want step by step and add practicality in life. It allows them an understanding of detail and the real world to adapt to it. Thinking functions : These functions help a person remain objective and logical in their decisions. Either through organizing their tasks to carry them out efficiently or organizing information for it to be accurate. Feeling functions : These functions help a person in their relationships to others — in being more kind and considerate. It aids their understanding of their own emotions and to allow acceptance for them. Perceiving functions : These functions help you collect information — whether it's from your own world of ideas or memories — or the outside world of ideas and sensory details. Judging functions : These functions guide decisions. It organizes their inner minds or their outer environment to reach their goals. How to do it : When studying Mbti, don't use the dichotomies on this. Search for understanding of Mbti cognitive functions. Everyone has a function for each dichotomy like how every sensor has an intuitive function or how every thinker has a feeling function. Good sites to use include : Personality Junkie — for a brilliant theoretical understanding of this all. Personality Hacker — for a brilliant practical understanding of this all. Other things : Search Mbti cognitive functions test. It's different from the usual dichotomy test and for many practioners — much much more accurate. This is because it doesn't predict your behavior or even beliefs — if analyzes the structure of what information you like to gain and how you prefer to decide things. More like a skeleton — and the muscles and skin is provided by culture, environment, background and experience. Another thing after finding your type is to search your type along with the keywords of developing functions, advice or personal development. Reddit, for example, has a lot of threads on life advice for their own type. I suggest you check out enneagram after Mbti — a typology based on motivations and how you deal with anger, fear and shame. You have a type for each of the three emotions listed that guide your motivations in life. Enneagram's goals is to use those emotions in a healthy manner to gain what you desire most in life. There is also a book called Personality Types by Riso Hudson, that explores each motivation and how a person is like at 9 levels of mental health in each motivation. His book The Wisdom of the Enneagram is a more practical material on how to climb the levels.

For a long time, I've had this longing feeling when I thought of other people — whether they're strangers I see around or people I know well. My mind would keep returning to these people a day — especially the people I open up to the most. But I never get close enough in a way that's satisfying. Before, I thought I wanted my ego to be stroked for praise. Long story, but I fixed that need. Later I thought I needed a sense of community. I fixed that too. But now my mind still keeps returning to people over and over that I realized that I just wanted to get close to someone in particular. It's why I feel an envy when I see other people having closer relationships in real life and online. Not that I'm a loner and a social outcast. No. I'm more of that person everyone likes but no one ever gets close to. The easiest candidate to start with would be a long time tutor after school I had for years since I was a toddler. He's mostly that chill uncle figure I have — and even more of a father and mentor figure than my actual dad. He complains about how secretive I tend to be so he'll be open to this happening. I tried showing something I wrote on paper that was private. He told me he'll read and won't respond which convinced me to show it to him. I was clearly getting embarrassed and uncomfortable that he laughed and said, "It's okay. You don't need to be shy." I said, "I hate you," but the rest of my time spent with him showed otherwise. I kept avoiding eye contact but as he walked out he said bye in the happiest voice. And then I died from embarrassment. I don't know why — maybe I fear rejection or conflict. I don't show a lot of deeper sides to me and showing that is well . . . awkward. What I already show is real sides to myself but I don't show the entire side of myself. And how vastly different that change of perspective would be? I'm scared of that. It's . . . How do I do this? I don't know how to do this.

I don't use physical notebooks as much. Physical notebooks lacks the organization and ease of searching for keywords I'm looking for. Also, sometimes my handwriting is so bad even I can't read it. I've used physical notebooks and the Evernote app for much of the entirety of my personal development journey. It was a revolution in my life like when humankind discovered the art of writing. When I write down goals and think through things — it's no longer easily forgotten. I can think things through more deeply. Organize my ideas and research better. Plan measurable steps to it. I usually use writing (or technically typing, sure.), I often use it to brainstorm ideas and organize research into something I can do. I use it to think through emotional obstacles. That's where I do things like Shadow Work, Archetype therapies, CBT, reflections on mindfulness and so on. I type in notes on more technical matters too. I also use it to take time for self awareness — give myself feedback, measure progress, celebrate what's done right, assess strengths and weaknesses in an area and adjust expectations. I probably should try a Gratitude journal again. I've been getting oddly frustrated with life not being enough. Oh well.