WaterfallMachine

Hope isn't wrong. It's found in stories of people finding the hope to defend their family in war torn countries. Hope is what's there when a person fighting cancer to gain the drive to fight another day. It's what there when people in depression tells themselves that there is hope to forge on. I'd phrase it less as hope being the cause but more a practice in motivation and acceptance at the same time. It's when you want to do something, yet you don't feel the need for it. "I' should be happy." "I'd like myself to be happy." "People shouldn't be dicks to me." "I'd like people to be kinder to me." Different, right? It's when you desire something for something better — to succeed. Not motivated out of a desire of running away from something or that something is not enough. Compare "Not depressed" and "Being happier." "Not being lazy" and "Getting disciplined." What is "enough" or what is "better" is primarily controlled by mindset. There are people who are wrecked with illnesses that are happy and people who are rich full of money that are depressed over not having enough. It's when you take things one step at a time and show patience for what you want. People notice when they're really impatient or frustrated but people often show a slight unsatisfaction with the moment — a mindset of waiting for something. Patience does not force things with their desire. They flow into it. It's when you don't do things for a goal, but for the sake of pursuing a goal. Because often when people finish a goal — they feel pride but then it just beings to look normal. There is no "ultimate goal" because there is no "finish line" to life until you die. What lasts is the pursuit so find what you can enjoy in it. And to have that is to really reflect whether getting what you want externally really lasts.

Haha, thanks. Well, I'm actually at stage 6 from my understanding. Stage 7 is the one I'm trying to figure out how to get to. Though, now that I think about it, right now for the last few minutes I didn't get distracted at all — even subtle distractions. Not sure if this will last since it's new. All I know is that the last hour felt like years has passed — longer than I lived. I get the sense that I'm not going through the same emotional stress teenagers are known for. None of that "I don't know who I am or what I want to do in life. I'm afraid of what might happen in the future." I'm pretty good with all that. Though, still a bit self conscious at times when I drop to lower stages. Heh. Maybe I will let you guys know when I reach upper levels. Good luck to you too, bud. Happy that I inspired you. .

@Shan Wow, Shan. Thanks! love meditation and I love descriptions about stages in something that has to do with personal development. (Okay, maybe stages in general. Haha.). And now these two are combined. . My concentration on reading this article was stable. And I feel a stable bliss — with a certain texture to it. It's like how emotional ache feels similar to an actual physical ache. Bliss feels like silk — amazingly smooth, light and spacious. Often being cold is associated with being cruel but strangely, bliss feels cold. It's like a refreshing cold breeze in my head. I think I'm in level 6 right now. As I look closely with subtle distractions I could hear the faint sound of a family member watching TV in a nearby room. And some birds chirping outside. And that's right now — where there are some parts of the day where I'm not as focused. I can't seem to concretely remember a moment of what subtle dullness in stage 5 is — but it might be like how I practiced focusing on a book not just lightly but really trying to focus and understand in depth. Even drop to level 4 at times — hello, embarrassing memories. The funny thing about level 6 is that I can focus on things too deeply. When I switch to another object to focus on — it takes my mind a bit of time because it feels like I'm moving away from paradise that I've gotten from sustained attention. Might be why I type long posts — I concentrate deeply and I'm not that good at turning it off at times. I almost got late to class because I gotten so absorbed in a book or even tell people to wait a bit as my mind loads to talk to them. Eheh. I'm not sure I get this stage but metacognitve is another word for thinking about thinking. And I'm taking a guess that it means that I should be more aware at what my mind is focusing on rather than focusing without awareness. Difference between focusing deeply the wheel and the road in front of you and also knowing that you're driving to somewhere for the right reasons. Also stage 7 says they gained the ability to focus to focus as broadly or deeply as they want. Which I don't right now. Guess thanks to this I know what to try to do. Haha. Shan, I haven't reached stage 8 but I did seem to surpass stage 4. 5 years meditation since age 11. Sometimes 40 minutes a day. Sometimes 20 minutes. Sometimes an hour. Occasionally more than 2 hours. As well as mindfulness in daily life. Like in eating. During lectures. Reading. Taking a bath. Internet browsing even etc.

"To have faith is to trust yourself to the water. When you swim you don't grab hold of the water, because if you do you will sink and drown. Instead you relax, and float." Alan Watts Knowledge is amazing as wisdom but knowledge can be a greed used in the right places. It can be used for some ideal of perfect certainty, some form of admiration as the "intelligent one" and more. It's like when people say not to compare yourself to others because there will always be someone better than you, just like with knowledge, there will always be something you don't know. The opposite of fear is not certainty. But openness to what might be, because no one can be 100% certain of everything. It's acceptance. It's cultivating a begginer's mind — A Buddhist concept for thinking of yourself as a begginner — believing there is something you don't know and still something new to learn. It's used well in meditation — because after all, meditation is repetitve but if you forget the past momentarily and look for what's changing every moment — you'll find subtleties of novelty. A slight change in the breath. A new feeling in your toe. A subtle heaviness to your feelings varying in intensity every moment. And with this practice — it can transfer to other areas of life. And when you're curious, you're no longer looking for comfirmation on something good that will happen. You only would like to understand even if it's something that can end up as a failure. Even if it's painful. A torture. Bravery is not the absense of fear. It's doing something even when you're scared. Maybe start with something small in doing something new. Change your routine a bit in various way. It can be as simple as taking a different route to work/school or reading something you haven't before. Making it more and more challenging over time. Over time, small changes allow you to get used to the new.

@nexusoflife I could relate. I went through most of my life as the rationalist "wisdom and truth" type but after a certain time through my depression, I felt something similar. Maybe love wasn't just a distraction from knowledge I thought. It was a good path — but it got me pains similar to you that my more younger cold hearted self couldn't imagine me feeling. Maybe it's not exactly just your pain for others that's hurting you. It's your lack of ability to change things substantially and the you see others as victims needing to be saved, persecuters that are doing evil in the world and you as a potential rescuer for these people. But that thinking is more dangerous than it seems. There is something called the Dreaded Drama Triangle and the Empowerment Triangle. The drama Triangle has the victim, the rescuer and the persecutor. Victims are seen as helpless when it's better to think of them as potential independents — active creators of their lives. Rescuers can be more of Coaches, who help others to help themselves. Persecutors can become Challengers, where they challenge others to be the best they can be for themselves and the world. I recommend you check it out. I thought of myself as the rescuer here before and because of that, I felt like I was carrying a heavy load trying to do what I can for others. But thinking with this Triangle, I saw victims not as victims but as creators. They of course need help, but if I imagined them doing something active in their lives to better themselves rather than giving up than all the weight isn't put on me. When I give advice for example like this, they don't get better only because I gave advice. But because they were willing to take action in their life too. I also imagined the world as having a whole team of rescuers and challengers. There are many people who are helping out there and while it's not perfect, it seemed a brighter picture than before. If I shared knowledge to people to help out, then that knowledge can spread to other people. That can spread to more and more people over and over again. There was a study that people who are happy tend to spread happiness to other people in a chain — so my world of how kindness's potential could reach expanded. There was also Hans Rosling which you can see his videos on Gapminder. He's a famous statistian who wanted to change people's ignorance of the world. That when you look at the statistics, the world is actually getting better. Huh? But isn't there a lot of pain in the world? Yes. But I meant it's better when compared to let's say . . . a 100 years ago. Take a look to actually googling if the world is getting better or not. You can see mixed results but from my experience, the more you look, the more good there is. You don't have to take my word on it. Check it out for yourself. Also, Leo's videos on this was useful to me. Maybe it will for you too. I remember he had a practical video on the theory here but sorry, I keep looking but I've forgotten what the title was. https://www.actualized.org/articles/a-rant-against-morality

I've gotten from intense self hatred to great self compassion with these choices. Self compassion meditation. You can find many of these on YouTube. Reflecting on being human and thus being imperfect. Practicing being grateful for strengths, victories and small everyday wins rather than only criticisms. There's something in Stoicism called negative visualization where you visualize an even worse situation with yourself and compare it with now to be more content. You can use this for this area of your life. Using a modified loving kindness meditation — where you focus on the love for people close to you and then try to create that in yourself rather than the two steps reversed in order. Using the Dropping The Roles You Play video by Leo. Lots of self hatred comes from overemphasizing a role to yourself. Someone for example can be hard working. And that's often true. But they associate that role with being perfect in discipline all the time, doing certain things and talking to certain people etc. Until they end up having a role where they feel terrible when they're challenged. For this example, the role of the "hardworker" may end up with workaholic traits because they feel they should still be this "hard worker" when the concept is more of an estimate or even a total falsehood. Gaining a sense of humor with yourself. It helps to look for a "humor" role model to see things from their angle.

Wow. This worked better than I thought. Thanks!

So I've been reading the pinned posts and was rather confused about them. I've been meditating for 5 years, but barely in this perspective. I've spent a long time with simple breathing meditation, ate with mindfulness, walked with mindfulness, had everyday mindfulness pauses, hours and hours of loving kindness meditation, used meditation for reflection, meditation for anxiety, meditation for self esteem, meditation for focus, meditation for patience, meditation for self compassion, meditation for jealousy, meditation for guilt, meditation for contentment, meditation for creativity, meditation in nature, body meditation, sympathetic joy meditation, compassion meditation and so much more. I'm only first learning about it. I'm curious. I've read about this perspective before but I wasn't able to find much about it that had concise clear practical exercises to do it. It seems Leo's resources seemed rather unique to me in this perspective. If it's not to be a good person, then what is it? If it's not emotional mastery like I thought, then why? What is its use? Getting ready for my mind blown. Heh.

It's this blog. http://theancientwisdomproject.com/ Remember Leo's video on Mystical Traditions? https://www.actualized.org/articles/mystical-traditions-around-the-world He emphasizes the relevance of hearing wisdom from each religion. In the Graves Model Spiral Dyanamics — a model on the development of worldviews in individuals and society — one of the highest levels is Yellow. Yellow is taking the knowledge of different ideas and finding the truth in each of them — mixing them into one. While Green, the level below it, focuses on compassion for the world — rather than a smaller group. In this link, he puts side to side the comparisons of Orange thinking — success oriented and opportunity looking mindsets with Green and Yellow thinking from the philosophies of different ways of thinking. http://theancientwisdomproject.com/2016/08/favorite-personal-development-blogs-ancient-wisdom-make-better/

I noticed I'm becoming a lot happier these days thanks to meditation. Happy enough that I'd spend much of the day in bliss. But there's still some things that tend to get me down these days. Because of my efforts, I feel a deep acceptance and wider inner peace for these emotions well but they still pain me. I notice in casual conversations — people will step in with pretty average answers in questions about their life. But being in personal development for 5 years — I tend to give more overall optimistic answers while being humble enough to admit some flaws. And I get the sense that by being better — I lost some equal standing with others. That maybe people won't relate to me as a friend well the better I get. That if I continue my hard work now in bettering my life, I'd reach a point where I become a hero — the kind of hero people mistakenly believe know everything about life and are perfect —inhuman. I get more genuinely cheerful as the days go by. I'm more the relaxed and easygoing cheerful than the loud and excitable ones. Will I seem fake? Some kind of liar? Arrogant? Lacking self awareness? It might sound stupid — but one of the major issues I've went through was caring how much people thought of me. I have some insecurities of not being accepted and belonging somewhere. If I get even much better at life than I do now, will I inspire more or will cause more jealousy? I guess I'm concerned for these people. I clearly remember the memories of looking at people who are stars in society at life and work. And often felt that it was impossible to match them and even still feel these a bit these days. I don't want people to feel that way. And I don't want to be hated. Yes, it's not my fault. But I still feel these emotions. It's painfully ironic. I went through life fearing telling others my more flawed side. Now I fear showing any tidbit of achievement and great happiness. This also applies to when I teach or give advice — the act seems like a subtle message saying that "I know more than you," and I don't want to cause the above. Not that it stops me from doing so — but it saddens me. Scares me. What can I do?

@Nahm @Markus @Annetta @Michael569 @Snick @Shin @Emerald @Toby Thanks everyone for the advice. Emerald's advice made me think the most. So thanks especially for that. Ironically, I rarely attracted visible hatred and jealousy. I often remembered imagining them, on a couch or a bench, and wondering if my acceptance in my community will be teared down someday. That people may be hiding their own hatred at me. I discovered that I was humble to the point of self deprecation and had a noticeable inability to accept compliments. But with shadow work I realized that I truly thought of myself as superior. It was denial. I was then struck by the idea when scrolling through the internet that lack of action . . . does not mean lack of intention. So I practiced what I think is "balanced" and "honest" words in people's eyes but it still held me back. Because I feared any show of confidence when with others or alone would turn into arrogance. I feared this like anorexic people gazing with distress at the mirror at their "fat" bodies. I had starved myself of admitting any good qualities in myself yet I hungered to do so. Somewhere in there I believed my underconfidence was a superior humility. ------- I was worried on asking what seemed to be such a stupid question but I eventually came back when I was at peace with it enough. At a certain point of self inquiry, I noticed that how others think didn't seem as important. I didn't just understand it conceptually. I felt it. If I've seen a world without language, then I don't have to believe the ideas in language as real as the sights in the room around me. Not everything turned to the topic of my better happiness. And I could relate to people in many other ways. But it's surprising how much how happy I seem tend to crawl into different areas of my life and it felt like I was hiding a damn T. rex sometimes. Goal seeking is a huge part of my life and celebrating each step was meaningful, a possible connection in gratitude where in turn they can share theirs too. Not that I'll rub it off people's faces, but it's not something I'd remove totally from my life slapping it with the label arrogance. There's a good time for many things. Years of being anxious about this. Years of fearing I didn't live up to anyone's standards. Years of working hard for some sort of status. Years of fearing that if I didn't let anyone see the true me, I'd be hated. I'll try my best.

Thank you for the warning but I have a different say. I find it possible though. My definition of happiness isn't joy, but simply contentment. Satisfaction with what is. You can be happy yet still feel an impatience for more. And you can feel sad while allowing it in full acceptance and contentment. And caring what others think is lessening away fast, but still is slightly there. At the time of the post, I didn't care 90% of the time. 10% ehhh. . . It is true that it isn't exactly 100% satisfaction with caring what others think though. Also it's like how people feel mixed feelings. How people can feel anger and sadness at the same time. Or guilt and worry. It's like I feel an intense blissfulnesz even with the experience of other emotions — even strongly negative at the same time. Absolutely bizzare experience. I didn't say I was better at everything than everyone. Only in the area of happiness. And even with happiness, I have still more to learn. People are better than me in many other ways. There are people who are better leaders than me. Better in their areas of health. Better in singing. And so on. Some people seem to think that anyone who's saying anything good about themselves immediately are people who think they're superior. I'm not trying to start a fight but what is with that? You may tell me if you still think I'm wrong though.

I was having a short meditation retreat — meditating more than usual (which is an hour) for 3 days in my humble home. And while practicing Kundalini meditation, I noticed my breath deepening. Usually it's 4 seconds in and 4 seconds out in my belly. But now it's a full 8 seconds each. I felt a shaking in my torso. Even my head would start twitching. And so would my arms. And as I continue, the shaking slowly became more violent. And I felt joy. Not even the kind of joy I believe was possible to experience in life. It feels like I have so much energy and my body doesn't know how to adjust to it — and so I start shaking. Maybe I'll just go start running after I post this. . It's gone now but I still feel energy in me. What do I do? What is this? Why is this happening?

The problem is that people make the assumption that there needs to be jobs in a world like that. Our careers are made as a collective agreement in trading and how we earn money. Economics and money is based on an idea of scarcity — that there isn't enough resources to go around and so we need to make decisions on what to prioritize. If robots will do our work, then there'd be enough resources to go around that there wouldn't be any need for "work" anymore. Theoretically, we can just pursue our activities because we want them, not need them. Though, before that happens, likely there will actually be some jobs that will be automated and people would have to give up. Especially the manual repetitve jobs like maids and janitors that's easiest to program. I've heard self driving cars are already being made so likely drivers would lose their jobs. Jobs that require complex thinking would be much harder to replace and so do things that have to rely on emotional intelligence. It works like how ATMs used to be done with people. There used to be someone on the other hand who'd pass the money to you. Now that we have machines doing that, it didn't actually cause jobs to lessen. It caused them to rise. Why? Because now that a machine is doing that — people are on demand to emphasize skills machines can't do — like emotionally connecting to a client and thinking of ideas to novel problems.

@Leo Gura Hmm. . . Guess we'll never be sure what will happen with AI until it actually happens. Though, It was mentioned by the article I linked that they didn't actually have to understand that deeply the human brain as people expect to create applications on it. Just enough to benefit from it. I'm not some hardcore neuroscientist or a brilliant engineer to understand what they mean by just enough. But people seem to be making some progess in how for example, a video was posted on how they actually inserted a computer in a paralyzed woman's mind so she can move a robotic hand like we do with remote controls to a TV. And that video was posted a few years ago. How about these days? Even though if the really insane benefits posted probably won't come that early — I'd be still looking forward to any early developments that may come. But it is true that there's some possibility to your speculation. There's some danger in how AI can really take advantage of things once it can learn by itself. I'm not some leading expert on how this AI thing would work so I can't say. I just learned these from mostly this link. http://waitbutwhy.com/2015/01/artificial-intelligence-revolution-1.html and TED videos. I guess if hyperintelligent AI would actually push through, it would either come out with a disaster for humanity or humanity would find some way to solve the complex problem of programming a beneficial morality that would last throughout its growth. But the thing is — if I was an AI, I wouldn't think wiping away humanity would be the ideal idea. I'd think of the ideal as a win-win. I'd use my intelligence to change humanity instead — probably by directly rewiring their brains and maybe even their biology if needed.

I agree with you. I don't get why people seem to think that AI will become evil or good. AI was made by humans in the first place after all and whatever their goals would have to do with the code. It's like a knife. It's "morality" has more to do with what its user does with it. It could be to kill. Or just prepare some really amazing food. But it's really hard to code something as complex as an AI with a good morality and especially even conceiving of a morality people can all agree on. And there's going to be a need for some hardcore security to prevent using the AI for their selfish gain. When people think of robots taking over, they're assuming the robots would be coded to act like humans do when they're enslaved. But no, they could be programmed to like it if people would find a way to code that. @Leo Gura What do you mean humanity won't win over AI? Do you mean they'll remove humanity? Do you mean they'll not be able to have careers that keep them up? This video seems to suggest that potentially AI and humanity can work together rather than compete according to some trends with the rise of technology over the last years. https://www.ted.com/talks/david_autor_why_are_there_still_so_many_jobs/transcript?language=en

All this talk about consciousness reminds me of Elon Musk's and his company's efforts on Neuralink — a company trying to find advancements to the human brain. If you don't know Elon Musk — he's the most ambitious billionaire I'm aware of — trying to get people to Mars in SpaceX, working to create widespread electric cars called Tesla and trying to get an entire underground system for cars to lessen traffic. In http://waitbutwhy.com/2017/04/neuralink.html, it was mentioned one of the benefits they're planning to create is thought to though communication — fucking telepathy. The thing is — if we can communicate only through concepts rather than words, that would mean the idea of enlightenment would be easier to understand. Critics often say his ventures are insane and risky — but in my opinion, he addresses many issues in humanity many people believe aren't possible to solve. If no one tries then who will? But it's true — it's too early to say if they will succeed or if this is a good decision to make. There might be some problems that might turn out. @Leo Gura May I ask what you think of all this? Musk seems to have a similar way of thinking in your comment that the brain itself — that hadn't adapted since the hunter and gatherer days of humanity — has to be updated somehow. Or anyone who has an opinion? @AstralProjection You seem like you know your stuff. Can you say anything about this?

I don't really believe that it will get more boring as we experience more of life. All that time would allow more time for the pursuit of enlightenment. I bet I could reach some kind of level no one had with enlightenment if I could live forever. Imagine the bliss. Also, the world is getting more complex as the days go on. Advancements in knowledge are improving. In Leonardo da Vinci's time, there could be renaissance people — people who are masters of several subjects. But as the years go by — people need to specialize more as it's harder and harder to master fields where information is growing rapidly. The most intelligent people in the world don't seem to have a problem of being bored from their speed in learning — there's always something interesting added to. With all that time — I can help out with solutions to world problems. As each generation comes, each generation has to learn the knowledge of its predecessors as they die off.. But if I live forever — I can just master knowledge and wisdom continuously. How awesome would that be?

I figured that one of my problems with my path to enlightenment is how the feeling of peace I feel during self inquiry doesn't last throughout the whole day. That's why I wonder if I can actually do this while going through my day. Somehow like how mindfulness does with examples like mindful eating and mindful brushing. I'll still do regular self inquiry work of course. But is this a good idea? Does this practice only work when I'm fully concentrating on it alone?

And when I got to my next self inquiry session, it was amazing. I think this is the happiest I ever felt. I never even knew it was possible to feel this much joy. It's overwhelming. It's an utter overwhelming satisfaction with life. An absolute freedom from pain. But not that I'm jumping for joy, crying tears of happiness or shouting about all this happiness. I look calm. Peaceful. Content. A small genuine smile on my face. Strange how that works. I somehow worked myself up to the kind of state where I'm pretty much feeling moderately happy for most of the day. I went through the day without fearing what other people thought of me and that's unusual for me. II didn't get the urge to have to be liked at all. I often have this hesitation in learning something new like how I'm trying to learn Python but strangely, I just jumped right in without fearing things. Is this an enlightenment experience? Am I being arrogant here or is this actually happening? The thing is is this experience feels like nothing. But if you think about it, it's hard to word and define a concept of nothing. Is it an empty box? A dark black space? No, it's just nothing. But it's not a nothing where it looks like nothing. Not a nothing where you feel, smell, hear or taste nothing. Its more similar to a change in interpretation. Except it's more of a removal of interpretation. A subtraction, rather than an addition to your viewpoint. I'm really nerdy and I've been scrolling through NASA videos for fun so I figured I'd try a space analogy. It was like the difference of how humans saw the Earth before they saw it from space and after. And a similar feeling too. There's something called the Overview effect which is something first seen in astronauts who go to space. We often see Earth like we do in maps and globes. With colors and boundaries and names. But from space, the Earth is just the Earth. The world is no longer defined with human boundaries such as race, country or religion. It's just the Earth, pure as it is. And this experience changed the astronauts to be more compassionate human beings. They felt a transcending awe. A drive. A certain article claimed that it was what inspired the environmental movement. And I feel something similar here. But instead of from the photo of the Earth, it's just in my home. The mental models and boundaries of the things around me were strip away. The "maps" and the "globes" I had in my mind seemed to step for my own picture of "Earthrise," of the room around me. And what was left was pure awe. An ecstasy. A meaningless. Yet a merging with life's greatest pleasure. And that is : Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

@Leo Gura Heh. Guess I'll be on the lookout.

The Mind Is Not In Your Control Exercise. Give yourself time to let your mind wander without focusing on one thing. Allow it to be free. Now, after a little time, notice that you can't predict how your mind would wander. The exact words you use. The exact sensory experiences you have in your mind. And when you get distracted from this, notice that you aren't fully controlling your focus when you do so as well. When something is you, does it not mean control? Then what is this? Where are you, really? Now see your thoughts as not something you resist and not as something you identify or encourage. Your Emotions Are Not In Control Exercise Take a small temptation like junk food or your Facebook feed. And as you put it in front of you, try to resist it. Notice you can't predict how emotions appear exactly. How it strengthens and weakens. When you may give in or when you are fully off the pull of your urge. You can remind yourself obligations, beliefs, rewards or punishments but this tells you how your emotions increase or decrease, but not at the rate and speed it does. If it is you, can't you control it? It seems you are just a passive observer. But where is that observer? Now see your feelings as not something you resist and not something you encourage or identify with.

Our Pictures Are Models Exercise Imagine the face of someone you know well. Notice his or her overall shape, size and color. Now imagine the specifics. How is their mouth shaped? Can you see it in a way that you can see the tiniest details of lines as if you are an artist said to draw them? How is their hair positioned? What is the exact shape of their eyes? And their nose? How does the shapes and lines change when this person feels different emotions? Realize that in this way that your ideas are vague pictures of reality, even if visual. And realize that this person's face is everchanging from very big facial expressions to small micro movements like a tiny moving down of a person's mouth. Are your pictures of the world really true when they are ever changing? Our Words Are Models Exercise Take an idea that has a spectrum. Something like the spectrum of big to small. Good to bad. A peaceful society to a violent one. The loser to a talented one. Take this word and ask where exactly one trait ends and where another begins. Like the word big or small in the amount of sand. Is it a big pile if it's 500 pieces of sand? But that would mean that 499 pieces of sand would be small. People around you would often define big or small in ways they would often disagree. You can keep doing this with more spectrums. Realize that language is full of guidelines that interpret reality in different ways. But realize — language is not reality itself.

Hmm. . .I'm not sure I quite understand how anything goes. Would you mind telling me if my understanding is right or wrong? So it's a little like when I used to hate myself when I would procrastinate on a task. But I eventually accepted and forgave my own lack of focus at times but even if I accepted it, I would still act to discipline myself still. It was no longer done because of a rigid iron held rule of something to follow but something I really wanted to do myself out of my own freedom. And it was not a should of what to do, but simply a desire I had.? I still wanted it to happen, but if it didn't happen, it was alright. It seemed my desires could adapt and change to the moment. Less like a rigid metal, but more the formlessness of water that can change in each container it stays in. I could change my own desire to want to work on the task, but if it was no longer something I could control, I simply let go of it and later have it again when I need to. And enlightenment is a little like that, but with pretty much everything in life, right? ???

@username Thank you. Exactly what I needed to hear at the moment.