Yamazaki

3 years ago, an LSD trip helped me realize that I was paradigm locked. This eventually led me to Buddhism, which then led me to spirituality. Through watching Leo's videos and consuming other content, I arrived at a pretty robust intellectual understanding of spirituality. I understood the importance of meditation but continually failed to develop a consistent practice. I did psychedelics (LSD, shrooms, NN DMT, MDMA) a couple of times a year. I learned a lot but never had any sort of mystical experience. A few months ago I went on a 7-day Vipassana retreat, and that pushed me forward and gave me some momentum. All in all, I feel like I have been making incremental progress in personal and spiritual growth throughout the last year. This last weekend I went on a 3-night ayahuasca retreat. I spent the first night realizing that I know and understand literally nothing. On the second night I got a little taste of the divine, and on the third night I experienced it for a few hours. I finally "got it". Of course, not all of it; only a tiny, minuscule amount. I was hardly able to comprehend or process it at all. But, my entire life was completely recontextualized. Everything is the same as before, but also completely different. I felt like I won the lottery. I was in total disbelief. It was too good to be true. Yet, I knew it was. In Hindsight, Leo was the closest thing I had to a teacher. Now I understand what he's trying to do in a way that I couldn't have before. So, I just wanted to say thank you @Leo Gura. You've positively influenced me more than anyone else in my life. You've given me an infinitely divine gift. I'm grateful to be able to continue learning from and supporting you. Now the true work begins. I still understand close to nothing, but I don't think I'll ever be even close to as lost as I was up until now.

I just had quite a disturbing experience on shrooms. I feel freaked out and compelled to share my experience. I have been meditating seriously for about a month and a half now. I have become much more aware of the movements of my own mind, and have had a few short peaks behind the curtain of self. I have had experience with LSD and mushrooms before, many positive, some very negative. But what I saw with my recently cultivated awareness on shrooms today was rather terrifying to say the least. I took a little over 5g at 11:30, home alone. When things started kicking in my sense of being a coherent self completely started melting. It was pretty clear that the self-concept was just made up of thoughts, yet thoughts have no substance. This stirred up a lot of anxiety; no-self felt like a very scary and ugly truth. But once I just surrendered and let everything be, things got a little better. I already can’t remember the details very well, but many ideas and concepts I was attached to were seen as baseless ideas and melted away. I was thrown into a sea of anxiety about not actually knowing or understanding anything, and that I had no chance in hell at winning this silly game I playing of "trying to beat the game of life". Eventually I was able to totally surrender and make a huge break through. I realized that my whole life I was trying to “get somewhere” and “have the one right life”, but that that was all empty and meaningless, and that there was nothing to gain in the end. It was clear that true freedom comes from completely letting go, surrendering to things how they are and stop needing them to be a certain way. I remember thinking, “yes, nothing matters, and thank goodness for that. If things mattered, that would be a lot of trouble”. Everything is just how it is, and that OK. Even if I never amount to anything or never get enlightened, that’s ok; no matter what happens, that is just fine, everything will be ok. I felt so silly for judging the people around me for not being interested in consciousnesses. I was filled with love for everything and started sobbing. I felt like I had just died, and that the rest of my life was just extra. Words really can’t even get close to expressing the essence of the realization. I thought that the rest of my trip would be me basking in the afterglow, and then me not taking the rest of my life as seriously. But then the whole essence of the realization started to stir up a bunch of anxiety. “Wait what? There’s no point? To anything? I’m just going to go through a bunch of annoying shit like going to school and working, just to die? Holy shit, I’m going to die, and then just lights out for the rest of eternity?” I tried to reassure myself that I had to be misunderstanding something, and that things can’t be as bad as they seem. I tried to recall my intellectual understanding of no self, and the essence of my earlier break through. But the second I tried to do that, it immediately became clear that ALL of that was just concepts and ideas, and might have no basis in reality. This is where my nightmare started. I went down a deep epistemological rabbit hole, and ended up coming head to head with how beliefs and webs of beliefs works, and that me and everyone I know is living in a world of concepts made up by the mind. I realized that I didn’t know what I am, or anything about the nature of reality. Everything I thought I knew of reality was just a conceptual model created from limited evidence. All sense of happiness, sadness, direction and purpose were derived from that conceptual model, and without it, not even the most basic of decisions can be made. I thought about all of the ideological disagreements people have, and realized that I have no way to know what the right thing to do with my life is. Every time a concept or idea arose in my head, I instantly torn it apart and saw how it was merely an idea, and could have no basis in reality, and was then again left in a void. I also came head to head with the fact that I seem to be driven by instincts, and only have very limited control over the way I am. I realized the limits of my own perception and intellect, and that I really don’t have any reason to believe that my mind is equipped to understand the deepest truths. Even if it is possible, how can I trust myself to actually do the things necessary to get there. At this point the feeling of being a coherent self was still weak, and the problem of self-control felt possibly insurmountable. I am really at a loss of words to explain how I felt. I was really able to see my mind fabricating experience in real time, including the experience of “being me”. I went meta on myself so many times that I was truly left in a void. But I also had enough awareness to see that my intellect was still working properly; all of these conclusions I was coming to wasn't just "drug bullshit" that I could forget about later. This rabbit hole is real, and it is "normal people" who are delusional for mistaking their beliefs as reality. I have come down now, and am mostly fine, but feel a bit scared. I guess I have to say that it was a positive experience in the end, because I don’t think I will ever take any belief that seriously anymore, and my mind is extremely open to any and all possibilities. I have come to a place of true not knowing, which feels absolutely awful, but necessary to make real growth. I also respect psychedelics much more now…. These are not toys, all right.