zazed

@FirstglimpseOMG Thank you, i find comfort in your words, you read between the lines perfectly. I definitively had some sort of PTSD for a while, it's hard to describe. But i've made lots of mistakes myself, everything had to be done my way, most things had only 1 correct solution for me (cooking dinner, planning a vacation), so i'm not a saint here, call it ocpd if you want. After it, i totally lost any interest in any romantic relationship. When i think now of dating or having a girlfriend, it's like "sigh, just forget it, not worth the effort". But i also realize, that may come back to bite me in the ass later, if i don't become enlightened or something before i really start feeling "lonely". Time is ticking, and the self has needs and will come knocking eventually. I also don't want to begin a new relationship without being perfectly happy with myself, and preferably not before being enlightened. I wonder tho, i don't really want to quit the weed entirely. Lately i'm trying to delay it as long as possible, so i'm not smoking all day. I have a full time job, doing 50 hours a week, I do hard and mentally challenging work. And at the same time I'm a chronic daily user for like 4 or 5 years now. I've quit it before in my 20ies, difference is this time i really don't seem to want to, and i'm not sure if i need to. Been sober so far today, its 20:30 here now. And i'm not really craving it, i never crave it really. Unless i sit and do nothing. People are strange habit formers. My week evenings are smoking weed and watching TV shows. So when i go on vacation the first days are very disorienting for me, since i cannot do either. It's like i filled that void after a relationship, with TV and weed. And without it i can get lost. I also stopped smoking a couple months ago, i smoked 2 packs a week, not a heavy smoker. But i just quit cold turkey without any issues at all. Difference with smoking, was i knew i needed to, it was a known fact, so i just did it. Weed has me playing mind games with myself, do i need to quit, or do i not? Addiction could be the cause of the anxiety. I also think it may be some other barrier to enlightenment that needs breaking through. I do tend to worry naturally about a lot of things, certain social obligations that put me with people i don't know well, used to worry me from months in advance. They no longer worry me much, perhaps brief moments here and there, but i wonder if the anxiety is just a physical remnant of something i mentally no longer worry about?

Racism = fear of the unknown. The easiest way to get over this fear, is to actually get to know some of these people. One of the nicest people i know lives in Saudi Arabia and is a Muslim. He is funny, has the same hobbies as me and is generally fun to talk with. When some terrorist attacks happen, and we talk about it, he is always deeply sad, more sad than i am about it. Also, don't act on the fear, see it for what it is. And know it is incorrect and based in ignorance. These people have dreams and hope's, just like you do. They just want to live a happy life, just like you do. They are not all out to harm you, just like you are not out to harm them. Like Shin says, "you are not racist, your thoughts are." I'm also from europe, and i know how you feel. And when walking in a neighborhood i will also fear a group of colored indivuals hanging around and looking at me in the city. Then one once came to bum a cigarette of me, and shook my hand and tanked me for it, when i was in Paris. Educate yourself, read up on where they come from, what they had to endure. There is a lot of fake news from racist groups on the internet, learn the real truth about their origins and their suffering. You can only feel sorry for them, i would not wish on my worst enemy what some of these people had to endure. Also remember, there is no relation between terrorism and being "brown" (no racism intended). It is just a sad coincidence right now, and it must be horrible for those people to be identified with terrorism just because of their color. There are bad people in all races. There have been white terrorist groups in the past, as well as serial killers, did we suddenly start to fear our own race then?

@cetus56 What is a face indeed. Historically, it is as you say, that is how it evolved. Noting also, it is what works best on this earth, to eat, breathe, see, hear. It has evolved organically to attract a mate from the opposite sex easier. It has nothing to do with perception or our enlightened truth. It is designed for this world and by this world, evolving over countless generations, from the first microbe to emerge in the primordial soup, billions of years ago. My face, is just a tiny evolution from my father and mothers faces. No one has ever even seen his own face (quoting a Leo video here ) A face in a mirror is an illusion. The light in our room is a giant photon broadcaster, these photons bounce of everything in the room, including our face. They get reflected by the mirror, back into our eyes. Inside the eyes, these photons are focused by the lens in the front of the eye, they then fall onto the retina. The retina is biological tissue that when excited by photons generates electrical impulses. These impulses get send trough the optic nerve into the brain. The brain then uses these electrical impulses to make an image. Nobody ever saw a face. Seeing a face is as real as feeling a face with the hands, but the hands generate different electrical impulses to show us form. Why are we so attached to what light brings us? Why do we identify so much with the history of photons (they traveled a distance over a very short time, so we're looking into the past always) ? It doesn't stop there. We are not seeing a face in our minds, we are seeing a big scene, and our mind interprets the various facets into components that have meaning for us. Light in itself doesn't hold concepts such as face, feet, hands. This is thought and mind doing this cataloging, it is not our being or reality. In reality, it is just one big screen filled with colors and shapes, without meaning. This is why, beginning artists when learning to copy a picture of a face onto a drawing, they will turn the picture upside down. Doing this the mind is not constantly thinking "FACE, NOSE, MOUTH, EARS", because it cannot recognize it upside down. It then becomes an abstract form without meaning, making it easier just to draw the lines and shadows and colors as we see them. A photocopy machine doesn't need to know about people or faces, to make perfect copies every time. This is why being an artist is not about learning how to draw, its about learning how to see. Which i wish i could I find this an interesting thread, i too have my own fear issues, tho not with mirrors and self image in them. So i found all your posts so far very enlightening, thank you! There may be a factor of letting go, that causes fear for some of us? The fear of losing our self?

live, and let live Living my own life as i need to Not judging other people Not preventing other people from living their life not forcing my beliefs on other people, nor asking people to conform to my beliefs I disagree with most politics and religions because of this Protecting people from other people (laws on murder, speeding, ...) = ok Protecting people from themselves (drug laws, etc..) = not ok not worrying about the past not worrying about the future The list can go on and on, but they are all examples of "live, and let live"

@Arkandeus Basically what he said. I'm not the most social person. And never was good at listening to people, until i saw this video recently. And i think its funny, that to love people, you have to stop caring what they think. It sounds contradictory, but its true for me at least. I found this flaw in myself, overvaluing the opinion of others, but not really caring about their idea's or views. I just wanted to prove that i had "worth", I needed their acceptance and approval. So instead of listening, i was waiting for my opening, to prove i was "smart". The flaw with that, is i didn't really understand what the other person wanted or needed, so they didn't really listen to me in return. And my "smart" point was lost to them, they often did not accept it. What i do now, is to truly be aware, to truly listen to people, then i can anticipate the best way to shape or change their ideas towards mine. Ask yourself, why are they saying this, what causes it. When they talk about binge drinking, why are they making such statements. Most likely it is boasting and alpha-male behavior, but why do they do that? Most likely because they want to be included, because they want to be loved and accepted and think that is what society expects of them in that setting. Truly try to grasp and understand it, becoming aware of the flaws in their behaviorism, understand their feelings and their needs giving cause to it. Understand their suffering. Then at least it becomes an interesting learning experience for us more awakened listeners. Remember, every being just wants to be happy, even serial killers or unenlightened people, they just go about it the wrong way. Part of becoming aware or enlightened, is not only being aware of easy beautiful things, such as forests or birds or art. But to be aware of everything, and this also means other people and their behavior, and things like death, disorder, decay, stink, distaste, distracting sounds, pain, etc... Mentally identifying with "small" talk of others is not being aware yourself. When we desire to be away from smalltalk, this desire brings us suffering. Why do we want to escape it, why is it frustrating to us, also become aware of that. The small talk is happening now, it's what the ears are registering, there is no no-smalltalk happening. There is only the smalltalk, it is reality and being now. It just is what is, nothing more, nothing less, it's happening.

Prabhaker, thanks for your reply. I am a thinker usually yes. And it has given me great trouble in the past, being unable to sleep due to non stop thinking. Or forgetting entire tv shows because of thinking during it. So it is wise advise indeed, and the funny thing is, I am largely able to practice daily mindfulness now. Not as well as i once could, but its coming back. When i cook, walk, mow my lawn, drive my car. I try to be mindful, often thoughts will popup, but i let them go. I also find this relaxing and enjoyable. Mentally i believe in the importance of the now, of the perception, and it helps me let things go. However, when i am perfectly still i am also mindful, mindful of my body becoming highly uncomfortable. And it gives rise to formless thoughts that i try to let go, the voice in strange pictures and forms that are not clear to me. It is like a physical feeling that feels most like an anxiety over my entire body, without any thought about it. Especially my chest area feels highly uncomfortable. I don't even know why i feel this anxiety or fear, it is purely physical without a thought component. I am mindful of this anxiety which makes it even worse, i am basking in it as i meditate. Obviously, it is not at all relaxing and i cannot sustain it for long. So i give up and do something else. But, when i walk, the feeling of my legs moving, is enough to be "comfortable" and not notice physical discomfort. So like today, sun was shining, and i walk outside in my garden in mindfulness. Then when i take a cushion and sit down still on the floor i become restless and uncomfortable. It's strange, because I've meditated perfectly still for hours many years ago. I wonder if it is marijuana addiction? Or maybe i just need to push through it and commit to a couple hours of suffering(=meditation)? Would the sitting become comfortable in time, will anxiety diminish? I also wonder, if by trying to live in the now and perhaps forcing myself ignore my issues, because i believe in the now, i am causing anxiety without the thought (because i ejected the thought forcefully)?