zazed

I had a horrible childhood, one time around Christmas when i was 17 or so, everything felt against me. My parents were divorced since i was young, my dad was a nut job the entire town hated, my mom was depressed and had no interest in us. Life just felt horribly unfair and painful to me, I felt like white trash. I didn't get the affection or confirmations i wanted/needed as a child. It was Christmas, i was alone in my room, and i felt so unloved, so unwanted, so alone. On Christmas you're supposed to be happy with family, I thought. So i started searching that same Christmas day when i was 17, just not to kill myself basically, i needed some solution and it was impossible to fix my life situation as a kid. So I learned about Buddhism, the Four Noble Truths and the Eightfold Path helped me accept my suffering that was happening then. I started meditating, that calmed me down, it brought some sense of peace. In my 30ies now, so i succeeded in surviving, huzzah! These days I find many of the religious side notes of Buddhism too much, so i don't identify as a Buddhist anymore. But i'll have eternal respect for the theosophy, it saved my life.

@Martin123 you got a link to it, where can i find it?

I woke up 4 times last night, weird nightmares. I normally don't dream at all (marijuana side effect). Any tips @Martin123 ?

@Echoes , as @Arkandeus said, it's probably not a ridicule. Its likely my own self reading to much into it. People (me) tend to become defensive at times. Watching the entire video and the question session. He is talking to a group of people that came to a specific retreat about this topic. That setting alone makes it non-insulting (not that one should ever feel insulted). Other practices are not relevant there, that's not what their retreat is about. Also, i don't know what non-duality wars are, i only know they are forbidden here

@Gopackgo That's what's the point regarding meditation. Seeking is not really searching. It's more looking inward and experiencing what is. You can do that however you like. He has that buzzing sound, due to his tinnitus, and he loses himself in that. What is that other than meditation, only he does it constantly. Paul says people should look inward and see, and i quote "You gotta explore, what's here, what's hearing, what's seeing". That is what meditation is to me at least. It doesn't mean we have to be frantic about it, searching like an obsessed person, then we would be doing it wrong. You just sit and exist. But just being, takes some practice, otherwise we would all be enlightened here, cause we all know the theories. And to everyone else: One peculiar thing i realized today, thanks to Paul's video. Eckhart Tolle's focus on the Now, is maybe a bit too much. And I like Paul's perspective on how unimportant the Now is. It gives it another dimension. Yes you are living Now, but Now is also meaningless, it's just experience itself. It's gone in an instant, at least, the previous Now is. It has no inherent value either, no permanence. Makes you wonder, when this Now becomes the next Now? Eckhart Tolle writings, may make you obsessed about the Now, trying frantically with effort, to live in the Now. But if you didn't live in the Now Now, you can live in the Now Now, or you can live in the Now Now. And if you didn't live in the Now a second ago, well that is just a story, it's gone. That failure, is not the Now, its unimportant even, forget about it, drop it. This is where many spiritual practitioners fail, by clinging with self to the effort, and that is the essence of what he is saying to me at least If you are thinking about not being able to live in the Now, you are living in the past. If you are thinking about not being enlightened, you are living in the past. if you are forcing yourself to meditate, you are living in the future, you are placing importance on future gain and not living in the Now. Perhaps it's best to meditate naturally, whenever a free moment arises. Instead of going to great lengths to set up the environment for meditation. Still, the practice is still not without it's benefit in realizing these truth's. That's what the joke is all about. Once you realize the truth, it all seems without purpose. It will seem ridiculous even.

Let's just say mindfulness meditation causes the amount of thoughts to arise to lessen. This has basically been proven, and is easily verified if you do it an hour. It allows you to look inward and "see what you are not", as the dude says. It also allows you to "see what you are humbly", another term the dude used. As the guy in the video, who seems to be enlightened, says. we need to "just believe it, i believe it deeply". But here i am, still selfing, i'm aware of me selfing even, as i am typing this essentially self-defensive article, protecting my practice. I know it, and still i'm posting it trying to prove my point. Hilarious, it's probably gone as you read this, until "being" stumbles upon it again, if i would be enlightened at least (i'll think of other things i could've said, as i'm watching tv). He also beautifully stated, he "walked lightly on difficult terrain". Meaning basically he is living in the Now and is not attaching to his thoughts about a certain topic, he just let's it all wash over him. It also prolly means he has few thoughts about it even, his mind is rather still. He also says he drops his thoughts like a burden, as he "will walk out there and it will all be gone". That implies living fully in the present. That seems like enlightenment. It's a good cause for laughing, it is hilarious (i've had being being being experiences, where i burst out laughing like he did). Funny, he also claims to have meditated a lot, that means at least the practice has been helpful into clearing his mind enough to be open to the awareness. That amount of meditation does have an effect on the brain, it has been proven by mri studies on people meditating in an mri machine, vs normal people. That is why Leo is documenting his process. Leo said in a video, quoting from poor memory here: "an enlightened Buddha is in a poor position to teach how to become enlightened, because he probably has forgotten about, and has no need for, the details." I agree. He had his enlightenment experience, and yes after that it's all meaningless, just words on pieces of paper. He is right, if you're already enlightened, you don't need to do nothing. Being just becomes being. There is nothing left to learn if you realize there is nothing left to learn, because there is no you to learn it anymore, and you have transformed into "being being being". That's enlightenment, my brain believes right now, and i believe after seeing 50m so far, that the dude has it. I still need to stop believing and realize i'm already "being being being", which is the great paradox, and the ultimate joke of spiritual practice. That's why he burst out laughing. Doing the mental juggling is easy, but i'm definitively not at that stage yet. But yeah, there is no i choosing to meditate, i just do. It's just reality, it's already "being being meditating". Doesn't mean it's not helpful. Doesn't mean it can't help me realize what the dude has realized, and actually live it in hopefully a short time. wow, this was actually helping me understand deeper, while writing, thanks for the topic guys!

I'm also from Belgium, nice to meet you. I don't go on retreats, but i've read good things about Huy. They have an event upcoming: http://www.tibetaans-instituut.org/v2/index.php?mact=CGCalendar,cntnt01,default,0&cntnt01event_id=16525&cntnt01display=event&cntnt01returnid=67

Didn't watch more than 10m of the vid. Maybe later tonight, at least the content seems interesting, the dude is not totally wrong. I see some examples of straw man fallacies here and there and in the video. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Straw_man Basically, looking purely at the content of some posts, and even the video, everyone is is basically saying the same thing. But using different words. First i feel ego is being redefined to something that it is not to many people on these forums. Then that new definition is being poked holes in (=straw man). In some posts in this thread, even seeking is redefined as only looking for enlightenment (=straw man). While Leo clearly said it was inward searching and examining or studying one's mind. Most of the posts in this topic, and the original video, are just saying the exact same things as what teachers such as Leo or Eckhart Tolle, or even the Dalai Lama and Thich Nhat Hanh are saying. But they just use different words for certain concepts. What is called the self, is often called the ego by many teachers. Tho ego is more specific, cause it concerns mainly the mental aspects of our self. To me the ego is the mind completely. The seeker is seeking enlightenment in the NOW, never in the future. Getting rid of the ego and becoming enlightened, it means fully accepting reality as it is happening, being pure being, and not attaching to thought. That i believe also what it means to most spiritual teachers, at least that's how i read their texts. Meditation is a great tool in reducing the thoughts to almost zero. After that one is just a mind with few thoughts, so to become enlightened from there, true acceptance is needed. But realizing/accepting pure being is a lot easier, if your mind is not constantly shouting at you "sex, sex, love, want, food, food, cold, warm, work, career, promotion!" That's what they often call letting the water become still, so you can see the bottom of the lake. That is the purpose of meditation, nothing more. Good luck becoming enlightened, if you don't train the monkey mind at least a little, but its not impossible, some people can just have an "aha" moment. Additionally, training the monkey mind, is a reward on its own. A mind trained by meditation has more self-control, even without enlightenment. Meditation can also become pure being. I believe if one is enlightened, and there are no direct things that need attention. One will just sit down and be present. This may look like "meditation", but it is just being without doing, because, what else is there left to do for a Buddha in his spare time? But are we now really going to discuss the meaning of English words here ? Words that were originally poorly translated from languages such as Chinese, Japanese and certain Indian dialects, by English scholars with zero spiritual insight.. Should we put up a sticky dictionary topic with detailed word meanings, lest people get confused ? It's just a word, it can mean different things, we are smart, we can hold these conflicting meanings in our mind, its ok... Isn't it more helpful to find similarities, rather than things to argue about?

English is not my native language, so forgive any spelling issues. So, i've been studying enlightment, zen, buddhism, taoism and all sorts of new age stuf since i was 17 or so. Some years more urgent, more focused, others i forgot about it and let it fade out. The last couple years i totally forgot about most of it, and i've been alot further on the journey than i am today. I was far along the path at the time i met my ex-gf, meeting her i totally went up into the relationship, and lost all awareness. It was abusive and it broke me more than i realized then, over 4 years it hollowed me out spiritually to what i am today. Now the video's Leo shoots have really been helping me. They have broken open my mind, and pointed out my many flaws, and my many coping mechanisms for escaping my fears. This in itself has made my existance more uncomfortable, because i am aware but cannot stop it, yet. I also regularly use marijuana, daily, without exception. Unless i travel for work/vacation. It started after the breakup, to help me cope. I have a good job, earn good money, i can't complain about that, and am respected as an expert in my field. I'm an INTJ personality. I am exercising often since two months, as part of my spiritual practise, at least 4 days a week doing heavy cardio. When i cycle indoor, i often do it without music and try to be mindful while my entire body aches, it is my main meditation currently (because i can't be still). Some things i have problems with: I can't just sit and meditate. Smoking weed is not a requirement if i'm busy, but the moment there is an empty moment, i need to light it up. I can meditate when i have smoked weed, but it's not as relaxing then, i may feel guilty about it, the guilt may be worse than the high in preventing meditation. When i do just sit, its horrible, i become very uncomfortable all over. So, either i smoke weed, or i keep myself busy with menial tasks, such as cleaning the house, mowing the lawn. And i can do this kind of mindfully, but as soon as there really is nothing to do, i'll often be lighting up the MJ before i am even aware of it. At work, i take the content very personally. I've noticed this thanks to the video's Leo made. I noticed my being "smart", was such a big part of my imagined self, that i needed to be right at work, and things needed to be done in my vision. I didn't really listen to people, i thought i was smarter/better, which is actually holding me back. It has been better lately, but it's still my default mode if i am not aware/carefull. I've really enjoyed the video on "how to stop caring what other people think". It made me realize that most of my social anxiety, is because i desperately need people to like me. I had also convinced myself i was "better" than people, or didn't need people, or that i would become an isolate zen monk and would be fine. I live alone, in my own house, and don't have many friends. I never feel lonely, but it's making me more socially weird, like i'm out of practise On the plus side, i have few time restrictions on enlightenment practise (which is why its sad i don't do more of it) I've been further on the path in my early 20ies, being aware now shows this. I can remember enlightenment like experiences from more then 10 years ago, and it is frustrating me to see how chaotic my mind is today. I can talk about enlightenment and know a lot about it, but it's not any help at all. Enlightenment itself, or awarenes, tends to become an ego thing for me. If i'm enlightened, my life will be ok. I desire that which is a state of no desire, my desire may be to strong, it may actually be deluding me and holding me back. I remember letting go in the past, but i can barely remember how that worked Anyway, i'll try to visit the forums from time to time. And i'd welcome any advise, cause i need it. The biggest problem being unable to just sit and meditate in the now. Basically, i am trying to become aware, enlightened and more in control of my life again. I've had enough of living on auto-pilot.

@Dodoster That's the point exactly, yeah

Yes, it seems true what you are experiencing. Good work coming this far, feel free to share any insights or idea's that can help me. I've had a similar experience some years ago, i now barely remember how it felt. It fed my sense of self, and my "joy" about my own "enlightenment experience" is what took it away in the end. My mind came in after some weeks and started thinking "hey we're enlightened now, so exciting, so liberating". So i self-identified with the enlightenment experience. By clinging to it, by feeling pride about it, i destroyed it. I realized long after, one cannot mentally be "proud" he is enlightened, that is contradictory I do agree, reading more at this state may be unnecessary, i had the same idea of not being a seeker anymore. Would pick up a book and just realize, I know this, this is just regurgitating more of the same, just words on a piece of paper. But boy, i wish now i had kept meditating in that state, perhaps i would still have it. So think nothing of it at all, be very careful not to cling to it in any way, just keep practicing (meditation), ride it as long as you can, perhaps forever. Make sure you don't attach to it, attaching with the self to it, will bring you back down. PS. A small ego seed may be there already when you said : "or when trying to impress or manipulate people" Why would an enlightened person try to impress or manipulate people? Stay aware!

Short answer, Yes I have this problem myself, so i'm the blind leading the blind here. Sometimes i can manage my low self image by being more present. Borrowing from Eckhart Tolle here, a book Leo also recommends i believe. In most situations, trying to realize there is only the Now, helps. It's easy when life is good, to embrace the Now, just be present and enjoy what is. Our colleges and friends are not saying anything right now, perhaps they are not even around. Our past mistakes are not here Now, and anything about the future is just a story we tell our self, we should realize this. We just are, we exist. Our mind idea's are not relevant to enjoying the sunshine on our face, we can just let them go, and only be aware of the soothing warmth. When life is challenging, it is harder. Realize we want to escape, we want it to be over, we want to fast-forward to where we are happy again. What you are trying to escape may be a social situation, or a thought like "I find myself not caring about the titillation of every day life, of ordinary pleasures. I feel proud, but I feel like an outcast for pursuing truth over pleasure.". I have the same thoughts at times, don't worry about it, don't ever feel guilty for your thoughts (that defeats the purpose entirely), just let them go, gently. A big part of becoming enlightened, is not identifying with what your thinking. You have no control over your thoughts, you would never choose to have these negative thoughts about yourself, so just observe them, and let them fade (this is very hard tbh, meditation helps). Realize this means you are living in the future or the past, you are telling yourself a story about how you are more awake than others. You are judging other people for not being awake. You probably are more awake, but its just not relevant when talking to other people. Be fully aware of what the other person is saying, he or she is here Now, happening Now. All the stories your mind is spinning up, are just not helping you now. In the same time, if you have a low self image story in your head. Realize its just a thought. It is not happening now, it is not reality, it's a story you are telling yourself. Be aware of the Now, existence just IS. The mind story does not define you, you are reality itself. You don't even like the low-self-image-thoughts, you certainly didn't choose them, otherwise you wouldn't ask this question here. So don't self-identify with them, they are not who you really are. You are existence happening Now. In this way the practice will bring you closer to people, because you can stop living in your mind-stories about who you think you are. You can be awake, and fully listen, you will understand people. By understanding you will be able to give deep insightful responses that will leave them breathless. You will become more successful in your career, studies, and any social interactions you do. Do what you are doing Now, always. That is a big part of mindfulness. Don't live inside your head, like I tend to do myself.

It's hard to say. What kind of method do you use when meditating? Do you think of certain things, do you focus on certain things, do you use any music? Tell us more?

Mentally, it is very easy to read many books and articles about this topic. Entire libraries can be filled on the topic of enlightenment, there are thousands of books on it probably. Knowing is physical, so you conceptually may have a higher IQ than an enlightened being. Conceptually your brain may through study "know" more about enlightenment than the Buddha himself. Just by reading the multitude of books in many many religions on the topic. But Knowledge is not Enlightenment. It is just mental baggage, and it will never become anything more than that. Knowledge is the dirt in which the tree of enlightenment can grow, it is not even the seed. The seed was within you since birth.

about 4 years ago, i stopped my spiritual journey for a while. The main cause was over-information. I was becoming an "armchair" guru. In the beginning, reading all this knowledge was fascinating and interesting. It triggered me, it calmed me, it caused in me a desire to know more, trying to read myself into enlightenment. As years went by, you start to notice all these books just regurgitating the same story. And i found myself thinking, i know this, i won't become enlightened from reading this, this is just more of the same. I thought i was better now than these authors, and further along the path than most, having all this knowledge inside my brain now. So i stopped, and i accepted this, and this acceptance brought me great calm and joy. It might have been the ego saying to me, "you are enlightened now boy, huzzah", i'm not really sure. But i made a big mistake, of neglecting spirituality after that. For a couple weeks, i felt free, i let myself go into joy without bounds. Then i lost the feeling, and got distracted by work for a couple years. And now i'm back here, picking myself up from the spiritual bottom, all thanks to that first video from Leo i saw some weeks ago. So yeah, at a certain point, nothing you read will give you any more insights. But it may still inspire you, or remind you of insights you've forgotten. Cetus said it, "Direct experience is key", there is no substitute for that. But also, when you do start feeling "better", don't quit the practice like I did, i guarantee you will regret it.

@electroBeam We also have to be careful when doing such self-inquiry. Make sure you are searching and looking for whatever enlightenment is. Many people have pre-concieved notions of what enlightenment is supposed to be "like". They are all wrong, language is a creation of this world, so are thoughts and fear for that matter. So we should investigate our mind and body, where does it come from, what is it, who is it? If we start with a thought "this is what it's supposed to feel like", a thought is the only thing we will get, enlightenment we will not attain. Idea's such as "looking into a mirror will give me such and such", "god looking through our eyes", or "dark night of the soul". While interesting, and i myself enjoy thinking and studying such "concepts". All of these are just stories and ideas and language, made by this world. And these stories will not bring us enlightenment. Enlightenment just is. We can think nothing of it. I myself have a fear problem. But thinking right now, it's making me wonder. What is my attachment to this fear, who is feeling it, why is it a bad feeling, why do i want it to go away. Who wants it to go away. Who is uncomfortable with it? Who wants to just sit in peace and tranquility? What is calm and peace, and why do i want it? Who wants it? Is peace enlightenment? Is any bodily sense of calm a requirement for enlightenment? Is anything the body can feel related to enlightenment? Today, my conclusion is, my mind, my body, my voice, they will never know enlightenment, even if something related to them becomes enlightened, they will just be confused on the sideline about it. So i'd best just give up trying to understand, to explain it, and just do it, be it.

@FirstglimpseOMG Thank you, i find comfort in your words, you read between the lines perfectly. I definitively had some sort of PTSD for a while, it's hard to describe. But i've made lots of mistakes myself, everything had to be done my way, most things had only 1 correct solution for me (cooking dinner, planning a vacation), so i'm not a saint here, call it ocpd if you want. After it, i totally lost any interest in any romantic relationship. When i think now of dating or having a girlfriend, it's like "sigh, just forget it, not worth the effort". But i also realize, that may come back to bite me in the ass later, if i don't become enlightened or something before i really start feeling "lonely". Time is ticking, and the self has needs and will come knocking eventually. I also don't want to begin a new relationship without being perfectly happy with myself, and preferably not before being enlightened. I wonder tho, i don't really want to quit the weed entirely. Lately i'm trying to delay it as long as possible, so i'm not smoking all day. I have a full time job, doing 50 hours a week, I do hard and mentally challenging work. And at the same time I'm a chronic daily user for like 4 or 5 years now. I've quit it before in my 20ies, difference is this time i really don't seem to want to, and i'm not sure if i need to. Been sober so far today, its 20:30 here now. And i'm not really craving it, i never crave it really. Unless i sit and do nothing. People are strange habit formers. My week evenings are smoking weed and watching TV shows. So when i go on vacation the first days are very disorienting for me, since i cannot do either. It's like i filled that void after a relationship, with TV and weed. And without it i can get lost. I also stopped smoking a couple months ago, i smoked 2 packs a week, not a heavy smoker. But i just quit cold turkey without any issues at all. Difference with smoking, was i knew i needed to, it was a known fact, so i just did it. Weed has me playing mind games with myself, do i need to quit, or do i not? Addiction could be the cause of the anxiety. I also think it may be some other barrier to enlightenment that needs breaking through. I do tend to worry naturally about a lot of things, certain social obligations that put me with people i don't know well, used to worry me from months in advance. They no longer worry me much, perhaps brief moments here and there, but i wonder if the anxiety is just a physical remnant of something i mentally no longer worry about?

Racism = fear of the unknown. The easiest way to get over this fear, is to actually get to know some of these people. One of the nicest people i know lives in Saudi Arabia and is a Muslim. He is funny, has the same hobbies as me and is generally fun to talk with. When some terrorist attacks happen, and we talk about it, he is always deeply sad, more sad than i am about it. Also, don't act on the fear, see it for what it is. And know it is incorrect and based in ignorance. These people have dreams and hope's, just like you do. They just want to live a happy life, just like you do. They are not all out to harm you, just like you are not out to harm them. Like Shin says, "you are not racist, your thoughts are." I'm also from europe, and i know how you feel. And when walking in a neighborhood i will also fear a group of colored indivuals hanging around and looking at me in the city. Then one once came to bum a cigarette of me, and shook my hand and tanked me for it, when i was in Paris. Educate yourself, read up on where they come from, what they had to endure. There is a lot of fake news from racist groups on the internet, learn the real truth about their origins and their suffering. You can only feel sorry for them, i would not wish on my worst enemy what some of these people had to endure. Also remember, there is no relation between terrorism and being "brown" (no racism intended). It is just a sad coincidence right now, and it must be horrible for those people to be identified with terrorism just because of their color. There are bad people in all races. There have been white terrorist groups in the past, as well as serial killers, did we suddenly start to fear our own race then?

@cetus56 What is a face indeed. Historically, it is as you say, that is how it evolved. Noting also, it is what works best on this earth, to eat, breathe, see, hear. It has evolved organically to attract a mate from the opposite sex easier. It has nothing to do with perception or our enlightened truth. It is designed for this world and by this world, evolving over countless generations, from the first microbe to emerge in the primordial soup, billions of years ago. My face, is just a tiny evolution from my father and mothers faces. No one has ever even seen his own face (quoting a Leo video here ) A face in a mirror is an illusion. The light in our room is a giant photon broadcaster, these photons bounce of everything in the room, including our face. They get reflected by the mirror, back into our eyes. Inside the eyes, these photons are focused by the lens in the front of the eye, they then fall onto the retina. The retina is biological tissue that when excited by photons generates electrical impulses. These impulses get send trough the optic nerve into the brain. The brain then uses these electrical impulses to make an image. Nobody ever saw a face. Seeing a face is as real as feeling a face with the hands, but the hands generate different electrical impulses to show us form. Why are we so attached to what light brings us? Why do we identify so much with the history of photons (they traveled a distance over a very short time, so we're looking into the past always) ? It doesn't stop there. We are not seeing a face in our minds, we are seeing a big scene, and our mind interprets the various facets into components that have meaning for us. Light in itself doesn't hold concepts such as face, feet, hands. This is thought and mind doing this cataloging, it is not our being or reality. In reality, it is just one big screen filled with colors and shapes, without meaning. This is why, beginning artists when learning to copy a picture of a face onto a drawing, they will turn the picture upside down. Doing this the mind is not constantly thinking "FACE, NOSE, MOUTH, EARS", because it cannot recognize it upside down. It then becomes an abstract form without meaning, making it easier just to draw the lines and shadows and colors as we see them. A photocopy machine doesn't need to know about people or faces, to make perfect copies every time. This is why being an artist is not about learning how to draw, its about learning how to see. Which i wish i could I find this an interesting thread, i too have my own fear issues, tho not with mirrors and self image in them. So i found all your posts so far very enlightening, thank you! There may be a factor of letting go, that causes fear for some of us? The fear of losing our self?

live, and let live Living my own life as i need to Not judging other people Not preventing other people from living their life not forcing my beliefs on other people, nor asking people to conform to my beliefs I disagree with most politics and religions because of this Protecting people from other people (laws on murder, speeding, ...) = ok Protecting people from themselves (drug laws, etc..) = not ok not worrying about the past not worrying about the future The list can go on and on, but they are all examples of "live, and let live"

@Arkandeus Basically what he said. I'm not the most social person. And never was good at listening to people, until i saw this video recently. And i think its funny, that to love people, you have to stop caring what they think. It sounds contradictory, but its true for me at least. I found this flaw in myself, overvaluing the opinion of others, but not really caring about their idea's or views. I just wanted to prove that i had "worth", I needed their acceptance and approval. So instead of listening, i was waiting for my opening, to prove i was "smart". The flaw with that, is i didn't really understand what the other person wanted or needed, so they didn't really listen to me in return. And my "smart" point was lost to them, they often did not accept it. What i do now, is to truly be aware, to truly listen to people, then i can anticipate the best way to shape or change their ideas towards mine. Ask yourself, why are they saying this, what causes it. When they talk about binge drinking, why are they making such statements. Most likely it is boasting and alpha-male behavior, but why do they do that? Most likely because they want to be included, because they want to be loved and accepted and think that is what society expects of them in that setting. Truly try to grasp and understand it, becoming aware of the flaws in their behaviorism, understand their feelings and their needs giving cause to it. Understand their suffering. Then at least it becomes an interesting learning experience for us more awakened listeners. Remember, every being just wants to be happy, even serial killers or unenlightened people, they just go about it the wrong way. Part of becoming aware or enlightened, is not only being aware of easy beautiful things, such as forests or birds or art. But to be aware of everything, and this also means other people and their behavior, and things like death, disorder, decay, stink, distaste, distracting sounds, pain, etc... Mentally identifying with "small" talk of others is not being aware yourself. When we desire to be away from smalltalk, this desire brings us suffering. Why do we want to escape it, why is it frustrating to us, also become aware of that. The small talk is happening now, it's what the ears are registering, there is no no-smalltalk happening. There is only the smalltalk, it is reality and being now. It just is what is, nothing more, nothing less, it's happening.

Prabhaker, thanks for your reply. I am a thinker usually yes. And it has given me great trouble in the past, being unable to sleep due to non stop thinking. Or forgetting entire tv shows because of thinking during it. So it is wise advise indeed, and the funny thing is, I am largely able to practice daily mindfulness now. Not as well as i once could, but its coming back. When i cook, walk, mow my lawn, drive my car. I try to be mindful, often thoughts will popup, but i let them go. I also find this relaxing and enjoyable. Mentally i believe in the importance of the now, of the perception, and it helps me let things go. However, when i am perfectly still i am also mindful, mindful of my body becoming highly uncomfortable. And it gives rise to formless thoughts that i try to let go, the voice in strange pictures and forms that are not clear to me. It is like a physical feeling that feels most like an anxiety over my entire body, without any thought about it. Especially my chest area feels highly uncomfortable. I don't even know why i feel this anxiety or fear, it is purely physical without a thought component. I am mindful of this anxiety which makes it even worse, i am basking in it as i meditate. Obviously, it is not at all relaxing and i cannot sustain it for long. So i give up and do something else. But, when i walk, the feeling of my legs moving, is enough to be "comfortable" and not notice physical discomfort. So like today, sun was shining, and i walk outside in my garden in mindfulness. Then when i take a cushion and sit down still on the floor i become restless and uncomfortable. It's strange, because I've meditated perfectly still for hours many years ago. I wonder if it is marijuana addiction? Or maybe i just need to push through it and commit to a couple hours of suffering(=meditation)? Would the sitting become comfortable in time, will anxiety diminish? I also wonder, if by trying to live in the now and perhaps forcing myself ignore my issues, because i believe in the now, i am causing anxiety without the thought (because i ejected the thought forcefully)?