Proactive

Survival of self or group. So I think the way to live my life is sort of understanding that i'm just an ant from the colony. My goal is to protect the "colony". I find myself much more driven when I view it that way instead of thinking about pointless personal stuff. This is something I did in the past but was never fully conscious of it. So, because of these failures i've had recently I had to adopt a new perspective.Basically I believe in being able to achieve the impossible. Fuck logic; I can do it. I don't care about anything. I am going to do it. This drive is good. There does seem to be a lack of logic though. I think that is fine. There does need to be a balance though because logic predicts what happens in reality. If I allow own perspective to influence reality too much. I become too delusional and that helps no one. In certain scenarios One perspective that I notice older people have is just get a job. Enjoy life. Like very practical perspective. Get friends, get family. Have kids. This perspective has been hard for me to grasp as I have a unconscious belief that humans are unstable and will leave you and such. So I adopted the belief of i'm just an ant. I will die for the colony but I cannot be part of the colony. I will help humanity but nobody will love or care about me. That seems like a decent plan in my head. Not sure how it'll play out practically. This denial of the needs of the self. Is it useful? Should I just abondon it? What shalt I do? Devotion to the colony. DEVOTION TO CANADA! CANADA WILL TAKE OVER THE WORLD. YOU WATCH. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAHAHA. Our nations niceness is just a disguise. "Your worst enemy is your friend"

I just want to state that nobody is perfect and that this post is full of useless shit for others. I do have a lot to be grateful for with regards to my mom. I am just highlighting the flaws in this relationship. So i'm trying to teach my mom english but i'm starting to get flashbacks of memories as a child and it's full of anger. So I shall start with understanding her a bit. Even though I don't know her past. Kinda weird how I am posting all my personal information online. Hopefully this does not bite me. I will say that she is uneducated. She has low self-confidence, but she loves me very much. She is a very simple person who cares about very simple things. Whenever I talk to her about anything that I truley care about, she zones out. So because of this lack of consciousness in her life, she had just forced down rules onto me which really does not jive well with my personality. Rules without reason. Do this because I said so. Anything that's a bit different from the norm should not be done. Basically she followed her manual. But did not know why she was supposed to take this step and the other step. She has good intentions, but has no clue how to go about achieving her intentions. Her approach was very rough. She would feed me; then when I was full. I still had to eat a bunch. I find the way to consolidate this relationship is to have this opinion. She is a person that loves me and wants the best for me. She tried her hardest to raise me with the limited amount of knowledge that she had.

Designing my break. My ultimate goals is to inject the magic of life onto the process of doing school work. I'm doing this by detatching from grades COMPLETELY. But there's the other aspect which has to do with the actual process. To create an iidentity in which I exist as a physicist regardless of my grades. I don't know how i'm going to get there but I will. side note - I remember reading mans search for meaning and there was this guy who said they were gonna get out of their nazi camp thing on a specific day. as time approached the specific day; he lost all hope and died on that exact day he said he was going to get out. That is what I sort of feel like i'm doing with this belief. Except there is no date which I can fail. I don't get to do a phd? I'm still gonna become a physicist. Never lose hope. Never. So right now rather than create a schedule. I feel like creating the identity is more useful. Because I instantly feel learning some physics. Without the need for a schedule. Rather than make a plan to do something this hour. Then something the next. We should believe that we'll finish our homework. That allows for the sense of autonomy. While actually motivating me weirdly. What is this break going to feel like? dude. It's gonna be bliss. I'm gonna be in magic most of the day. Dedicating hours upon hours to being extraordinary. Being curious. Learning. Completely in the moment. Not on video games though. We are not even gonna wanna play video games. We are too busy creating, and getting ready to change the fucking world. So my dad thinks it's dangerous to meditate all day for 7 days. My dad was some sort of healer in the past. He says all sorts of things like not everybody can meditate and he believes in like all sorts of ancient chinese stuff. He believes I am not ready for it. I think growing my consciousness is so important. It is actually necessary for me to succeed in school. So. I am going to talk this through with my dad, get his perspective and if he can't convince me. I'm doing the 7 day retreat once again. It won't be as intensive because of a different environment. But we shalt try. We shalt try. That 1-2 days of just meditating has already changed my perspective on life somewhat. I'm really detatched to the things that use to cause emotional problems and just laugh at it. I am not totally dismissing my dad because I do feel quite a weird sadness. It's not the sad type of sad it's a really weird type. o.0

Exclusion/nihilism So I thought i'd talk about my family dynamic a bit. Basically as a child I remember one conflict that happens throughout. Was I would barge into my sisters room because I was bored. She would then hit me and push me out. I felt it was uncalled for. My parents would then always say my sister was right without even listening. So I felt it was unfair and would fuel me to do it even more. This allowed my self confidence to sort of drop. Now I always feel like i'm the wrong one and such. It is very interesting looking at this situation from a survival perspective. Of me and my sister. There was no right or wrong. We were all right in our own perspective. Basically this treatment has continued up till now. So what must I do? Well this contemplation has helped; as I the anger is all gone. I guess we just continue down contemplating So essentially as time went on. I was being treated badly by my parents and my sister which was a social environment. This caused me to have a desire to withdraw as I felt like nobody understood me. This was probably the place where I started having a negative view towards humans. So dealing with this one issue actually will help me socialize so much better. You have no idea. I have this feeling of iscolation in my memory. I've been isolated from so many things. So much painful times. Most of these times, they were self inflicted. This has been a negative feedback loop throughout 75% of my life basically. So this action that I do of excluding myself is probably done because of low self-confidence. The deep fear of not being accepted. Why do you think these people will not accept you. I simply feel like I don't deserved to be loved. I guess because i've been rejected so many times. I guess we should start with loving our-self. I watched a teal swan video a couple of days ago that basically talked about how the shadow was created in order to survive. It is time to integrate that shadow. That shadow is the desire to be liked. To care about what others think of me. I think I already typed it out. But whatever. So if a person is in an environment where they are unlovable. They have no choice but to not accept anyone.I am in an environment where I don't feel love still. So if I simply allow him back in. I would experience the exact same effect applied onto me. I read a quote from zigzag idiots journal that talks about courageous heart (08/07/8:54). I think that is what I must do simply. To put myself out there. To jump off the cliff. Then to get hurt several times before we take off and fly. There is no easy solution that I can see. We have to face rejection.

Dealing with negative view of the world "humans are sellfish" I need to deal with this issue. In life there are those who are "nice" and there are those who are not. If I believe all humans are selfish and such. Then what happens is that I exclude myself. That is exactly what I did. Truthfully, there are those that are truly giving. Altruistic. If people are not altruistic. What happens is that people will try to take advantage of you and hurt you. So the best course of action is to exclude yourself. I watched the first part of leos series on politics so I think he addresses this somewhat.

FAILED. I was doing ok. I had a hard time going deep into my meditation because the people upstairs kept argueing and was suchhhh a loud environment. So. Yeah, but I did have a few deep moments. Then when I told my mom not to call me. She decided to call me like 4 times the next day. Then tricked me into coming home by saying there was an empty house I could meditate in. Which I actually cannot. I'm reverting back to some victim mentality. I felt the change coming. I felt so much self control these past 2 days ugh. While I was on the boat back to home. I felt like such a social outcast and I guess that's where my old self came back in and that is where I am right now. So I think this post will be quite different than my typical ones. This self is able to override my dreams and aspirations with negative thoughts. Changes me from loving everything to "whats wrong with me". I'm such a weirdo. Nobody likes weirdos. Also another identity that came back was when I felt unloved. So basically I would try to escape the environment. I would just dream of being somewhere else as a child. This is what is starting to motivate me once again and I know this is not a sustainable source of motivation. This reversion I think mainly comes from a reminder of my insecurities and I am blaming them onto other people. I just gotta remember that it doesn't matter who's fault it is. It is my problem and I must deal with them. I want connection from other people. This will contradict my goal of being a physicist at times. But honestly we can fit both of them into my life. We just gotta work hard. Ok, gn i'm tired.

Schedule - honestly this is very insane and i'm feeling quite afraid. I've only meditated for like 3 hours in a row before and am having doubts about my ability to do this. I can tell I am going to face some serious loneliness. Go out and buy stuff. 8am - will only occur for the first day. Wash dishes Whim hoff technique 3 rounds. Meditate for 3 hours Eat/drink mindfully smoothie + egg Walking meditation for 1 hour Journalling,art Meditate for 2 hours Read for 1 hour Shamanic breathing for 30mins Meditate for 1 hour Contemplate about whatever. Write in my journal. Clean dishes Good luck to me. DAY 3 i will fast the entire day. AND HOLY COW. My posts are soooooooooooooo long. You have to scroll down so far to get to the bottom of the page

The yoga I will do before and maybe after meditation DOWNWARD FACING DOG. Basically stick your butt in the air (5 breaths) Standing forward bend Squat position. Thing Seated forward bend How to do holotropic breathing I am going to be careful not to do too much as this can be dangerous (30mins, then increase by 10 mins each day) Lie in bed Let go and be in the present Put on music Let whatever sound comes out of my body come out Start with deeep inhales and exhales. Progress it faster and faster Equally in and out with no pauses between in and out. How to do the whim hoff technique - best to do on an empty stomach Lie down Breathe in through your belly,chest, then head. Fully in then just let it, but don't get it all out do maybe 30 or more. Then stop breathing When you feel the need to breathe. Breathe it in and hold it until you let go. Repeat steps 2-6 do for 3-4 rounds. Go into shower. Slowly; don't need to shock yourself.

PLANNING MY 7 DAY MEDITATION RETREAT IN MY ROOM. I will buy my stuff tomorrow. Then start asap. Activites yoga. Such that I will not be in pain. When I sit Do walking meditation alternating with sitting meditation Then just try to watch your consciousness be aware of it. Holotropic breathing Whim hoff techinque What will I eat? Tea in the morning + an egg smoothie and fruits for lunch 1 bowl of rice + soup for dinner What must I buy Meditation cushion Broccoli Spinach Almond milk Potatoes Tomato EGG BEANS Peppers onions Face mask to block off light maybe?

Heyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy, this is darkness. Hows life? Bad So; i've decided to just not even go to the exam. I've decided i'm just gonna fail all my courses as I did not really learn all the material(I cheated on the homework) and just played video games. Overall it's not really that big of a deal in the long term. The only reason i'd be studying at this point is due to external motivation. Which I sort of told myself I would not deal with. As that causes me to not enjoy school as much. Being motivated by such things removes the magic from the learning. I will try again in 2 semesters hopefully with lots of insights I can apply. I may graduate in 6-7-8 years. I am not necessarily aiming to get a job. I am aiming to be extraordinary. I am aiming to reach my fullest potential. To be able to BE myself from my job. It does feel really bad though. Cuz I look at my future and I get an identity of someone just sitting on their couch at 30 wasting my life away. Being a "loser" in life. But I just gotta realize that this is a small deal. What others think of me does not matter. What i'm here to do IS IM GOING TO CHANGE THE WORLD. I'm going to help so many people. This is my promise to you. I'm not going to get some job and settle. SO FUCK YOU. WHAT THE FUCK IS MY PLAN So; i've decided to just give up. On studying. The effect of this will be that I have no chance of passing this course. I will spend some more money on school. I may gain some bad identity. So this means I'll get an early break. So recently mindvalley offered a free course for their life purpose program or whatever. I am definitely taking that. I did one session and it seems very powerful. The reason why i'm breaking under the stress and not fighting is because I don't actually have a solid vision of why I'm here. Secondly; i'll be doing my own meditation retreat in this house. I'm going to research on what type of food I should eat. I read about a dark room retreat on this forum which I will somewhat stimulate. Through this I hope to gain more awareness on what consciousness is. That is what i'm going to focus on. So my addiction is here because of my lack of connection. Which is correlated with school as that makes me feel disconnected. Basically what i'm hoping for is some magical answer to pop up. If I am able to BE myself; the loneliness will disappear. I guess after the meditation retreat we shalt continue our job search. We will start our journey on the art of problem solving. I want to unlock my genius within. I want to do what is impossible. This is going to take immense amount of drive. I need to work like my survival depends on it. This drive needs to overcome all sorts of obstacles such as the questioning of whether I can do it or not. My heroes journey is still becomming a physicist. It seems very impractical as i'm not even going to school. What the fuck are my chances of getting into grad school. How am I going to make money? All I can tell myself right now is that I am going to make it. I am going to explore the unexplored area within physics. I am going to be at the forefront. There can be no doubt. I will do it. I will.

YAY. I just played 1 game. Then I felt like playing; but I detatched myself from the game and am here now. About to get ready for my second session of studying! I have to be careful not to play based on the feeling I get because that is going to only get harder and harder to chase as I continue the activity Just as a activity to detach from what I was doing Preparation for studying I want to invent a new task that I tell myself to do. This is called preparation. It's a very easy to do task. That should increase the flow of my work when I am working. Cleaning dishes, Organizing table by putting all required materials into hands reach. Breaking down tasks I need to do into small enough pieces through looking at the homework and seeing what it seems to be about and putting bookmarks in my textbooks.

Its time to become the darkness. hehhehehe.

Whats my problem?? I need to play video games Why? So I can feel connection to others while having some survival goin on ? Whats wrong with this? I get sucked into a vortex where all my time is sucked out and I can't escape. How do you get out of this vortex or should you not go into it? Imagine a black hole with food in the middle that is very delicious. What should oneself do? Well; the safe option is to just avoid it. The fun option is to tie yourself to some really strong strings and carefully obtain this food. Video games are a really good source of a break. It can make you think about other things so easily. So; i'm gonna target this addiction by reducing the gravitational pull of the black hole. Identity. Why do I continue to play even after i've felt okay. I get pulled into another value system. Where I value the systems within the video game such as rank rather than my life purpose. Or other peoples opinions about me online. So to make sure I control myself. I cannot buy into their frame. Not value what they tell me to value. This can be done through being conscious of these change in values. Contemplating this through is very useful. When you notice your starting your game because you feel like you need to prove them wrong. Or something. So that's step #1. They are pulling you into their system so they can use you to make more money. They are give you candy that makes you feel badly later on if you overindulge. I feel like there should be some huge insight. But i'm not getting it. Video games gives me the feeling of flow. I have made an app that should help me with increasing my flow with homework and my goals and I should use it more often. If I can get into the habit of using my app every morning. I will be creating a good place to physically see my value system. Live life consciously is what I think the insight was. Live life and be able to see the magic every single second. How am I going to do this? Well first I need to tell myself this is one of my goals. Tangent-One part I am really interested in understanding is how the brain problem solves exactly. It's like you basically just press a switch on your brain and it does the work for you. Then you feel an energy drain while it's processing the problem. If I can master this part. I will feel so much happier. I can achieve my goals. I feel as if though this part of my brain is magic. I feel like there's something very profound here that I cannot grasp currently. BACK ON TRACK So to live life consciously. Is to ACCEPT life. ACCEPT what your feeling. If you run away. What will happen is you may feel energy coming back up. But then you'll have to put this new energy back into whatever it is you were afraid of doing. AHHH. FEELS GOOD. I think i got the insight out. This is clearly what's happening when i'm playing video games. But when I get sucked into the vortex. The energy I ended up generating is put back into the video game rather than onto my goals. Just a quick summary of these past 2 paragraphs Basically in order to live consciously is to accept life. But living consciously takes away energy. So we must do some unconscious activities to allow our brains to process some of the things. Be careful of using this energy incorrectly through different value systems.

So yesterday I had an insight. Basically my loner tendencies come from an environment where I cannot feel like i'm lovable. An environment where I was always wrong regardless of logic. Now what? What's the point of shadow work? To essentially integrate parts of yourself that you've shunned away. These other parts of yourself cannot be destroyed, only disassociated from. Therefore they still exist within you. This cause you to feel bad. So i'm not really too sure what to do with this information. I guess what I should be doing is interacting with this self. Realligning my values with his. The thing i'm afraid of is that all my interests, goals stem from this one place. So If I integrate this dude. I may lose all my interests and goals if I let him take over completely. Rat in a society What's wrong with being controlled in society. What's wrong with buying all this shit you see on tv? Watching videos that youtube reccomends, playing video games. They don't allign with you. They take energy from you. So by having this conflict between societies needs, and your own needs. You end up compromising. The goal is to put yourself into an environment where you and the communities goals align. So this is another reason i'm taking a break from school. I want the ability to just surf youtube without being drawn into its algorithm. I want to have a video game on my computer but not need to play it. So basically from leos addiction video he states that all addiction comes from fear of the empty void. So rather than try to do something like make an app. I'm going into myself feeling this empty void. So that's what i'm gonna do. Just look deeeeep inside the void. VOID/LONLINESS I am always trying to avoid this void. Whether it be making apps. Having any sort of goal. I am just unaware of it. How do I get into this void. I just simply stop doing my activities I do to escape it. What is this void? I think this void is telling me that I am nothing. Nobody; insignificant. Right now I will fast and see if I can get deeper into the void. if the void is lonliness; then I am a pro at understanding the void hehe.

HELLO HUMANS ITS ME PROACTIVE SO I DRANK COFFEE AND I'M HAPPPPPPPPPYYYYYYYYYYYYY. Here's the problem; everyday I drink coffee and what it does is I end up playing video games. I end up thinking in the moment and I can't see the future. Reality becomes much more beautiful when you drink coffee. I thought I would type a little; see if I coud diagnose the problem. So I do think I enjoy the subjects I learn in school. It's just that because I HAVE to do them. Then I can't. If you force me to eat delicious food; it turns bitter. So as i've typed here before. I am motivated negatively. That's how I was taught to be motivated. As i've just typed that I literally unconsciously openned up my game. This problem NEEDS to be addressed before I can further anything. I need to take a semester off to just read. And deal with this. To control myself better. As I typed that I started up my game. HEHEHHEHEH. Yeh; i'm so screwed cuz I have homework due today which I highly doubt I can finish. NOW I JUST OPENNED UP YOUTUBE AND SAW SOME CUTE DOGS AND CLICKED ON THEM. but this you cannot blame me. LOOK AT THEM How shalt I deal with this? I clearly need a better outlook on doing homework. Ok bye my game started

Joke of the day Helllllo. I'm too hyped to make a joke. So I will copy a previous joke So; It seems you have survived my attack yesterday. You were lucky. I mean; uh. So obviously uhm. Yesterday there was no attack because it was a joke! Heroes journey Yesterday I was walking around a park at night and I noticed there was a forest path. The trees surrounding the path were all dark. Then there was a spark of light at the end of the path. I then felt an immense amount of fear. There was also this drive to sort of go deeper. This is just something I found inspiring and makes me wanna go through this dark journey. Its human nature to go explore. To explore is to conquer what was thought to be a limit. To face your fears. Weirdly I remember a phrase that goes something like there's comfort in being uncomfortable. Yet if you live the comfortable life, you'll be uncomfortable. What we are afraid of is the unknown. If we can embrace it; we'll be able to go so much farther through this dark forest. Whether it's being afraid of what'll happen if I approach this person. Or if I'm afraid of what'll happen to me after I push my mind or body to this point. Learning is what happens when you take a topic and you convert something that is UNKNOWN into the "known". The truth is we don't actually know anything (sadguru). Don't remember the direct quote. I watched this a second time and I got a lot more insights the second time.

Life is so complex and beautiful. Yet I cannot seem to get that from learning in school. I think this is because even though I tell myself that I don't care about grades and such. I obviously do. I am only saying it because it lowers my stress. To truley see the beauty of everything. We shan't be motivated by grades at ALL, which is hard because it does have an impact on things like money, food, social things, ect. If you are not motivated by school. You are motivated to be yourself, which sometimes does not align with school. This statement here shows me that I still care about my survival for the future. I am essentially asking myself to not give a fuck about the future. I am able to turn off my desire for the future quite easily. The question is how long will it last. Putting quotes on my wall doesn't seem to work because sometimes I can't transfer the energy I have now onto my future self through a quote. All I can do is be aware of it now and hopefully my brain comes back to this because it's significant.

Joke of the day. So; It seems you have survived my attack yesterday. You were lucky. I mean; uh. So obviously uhm. Yesterday there was no attack because it was a joke! I want to continue thinking about how the mind works. Our mind creates the concept of self. I am beginning to realize now that it is just a label. I am just a label. Thanks survival series part 2. I can actually sort of understand how everything can be one thing. I don't like using the word consciousness because I don't really know what it really means. When I am saying consciousness; it means the silence in the back of your mind that does everything for you. What I want to do with my life is find my talent, then put in the work. Connect those dots that nobody but me sees. It all has to start with the joy of doing the task regardless of external influence. So something like school will hinder me. Find that task which forces me to just be. My approach to physics is bad because I wanted to do physics before I even did physics. What must drive me is doing the physics. The reason why I don't want coding to be my passion is because it deals with the outside world way too much. You dedicate all your time to helping people make their website, or something. I think what drives me is seeking truth.The end goal just doesn't inspire me long term the way that physics does. Physics seems like a place for exploring; and that is why I'm interested. To become success at physics we need math. How do we get motivated for math? Math is like the memory chunks. I have a mood for doing physics. I have another mood for doing coding Whats my mood for doing math? The sort of colour I look at the world through while doing these subjects. Math is a tool. That we look at. Imagine some physical tool. We are inspecting it; how does it work? But in the end we know it's a tool made by humans. Curiousity for how this HUMAN made tool was made. so that's my mood. I attempted to put it into words. But it's like a vision + feelings

jOKE OF THE DAYYYYYYYYY WOOOOOOOO. I AM KEEPING A GOOD FRAME OF THIS THING.(not really. Most of the time it's like a chore.) I get to do a kewl joke today You can die at any moment. There could literally a bomb underneath your seat right now Or I could be staring at you through your window with a knife. Anything could happen. Especially when your doorbell rings but of course nothing will happen because this is just a joke! ? What is Consciousness?(not answering it, just am curious aboot it) The one that dictates all your thoughts. It dictates absolutely everything we do; yet most people know nothing about it. They may not even be able to feel it. I honestly have no clue. Consciousness changes depending on environments we put it through. I feel like I have a lot of potential; but it's not being actualized while i'm doing math or something. I'm going at the normel pace expected of a human. Not some genius. But I feel like I have the potential to connect 5 dots at a time. A kewl technique I could do is spend all my time creating information for myself to process at a fast rate. Such as I need to learn 5 chapters.I condense all that information. Into a beautiful package. Then I can explore the topic more deeply. Maybe this feeling of potential is just me needing to learn top-down. How do you solve problems? Well what you should normally do is just break them into small enough chunks such that you can process the problem. But I'm curious about the processing of the problem. So what I think is going on is your focus is highlighting this one problem. Your eye must stay on this ball(which is the problem). While stimultaneously exploring your own memory using this ball; looking through it and trying to connect the problem with your memory chunks. A problem I think I have with the ball is my focus is too strong; therefore not allowing my ball to explore too far off.(does depend on topic that I am trying to problem solve on).

Joke of the day so today I interviewed for 2 different jobs. so my strategy was to stutter until the time was up So what's your name "Pro-Pro-Pro-Proact" "ok the interviews over" Being aware of my identities Identities are formed from survival. In our society; it's formed mainly from social survival. All the things I do are for survival. Honestly; it's from the need to feel connected. So what do I do? I haven't watched part 2 of survival series so IDK. What I do realize is that I must deal with these emotional issues that i've had since I was a child. There's no way I can achieve anything with these beliefs/identities bogging me down in the long term. These issues come and go. But when they are here. They control every aspect of me. As a child; I can see exactly why I became a loner. I had nowhere to go. Nobody to trust except myself. People at school were iscolating me. My parents have their own personal problems. The purpose of my life is to push myself to my limits. To become myself without limits. Not try to be someone else. I'm trying to say it in a way i'm such that there's mixture of self-love/acceptance + growth at the same time. I cannot be anyone other than myself and should not aim to be. I am the best at being myself. Nobody can replicate me. I notice that I need to feel like i'm good at something. That way I am more motivated. Form the correct identities. Be somewhat arrogant. I'm good at physics. Nobody can tell me I'm not because bla bla bla. I am good at math. This is because I am conscious of my learning patterns. I am good at computer science. This is because i'm good at visualizing. I have the capacity to learn what's required. I just need to make sure my awareness is on top of the topic needed. If I suck then. HAKUNA MATATA

Breaking down tasks within the mind Memory Visual Tactile Auditory Contentration - The ability to hold ones concentration on a ball. The motivation we have dictates how beautiful the ball is. Subconscious mind- this is the part that i'm not too sure what it is. We just experience some silence. Then an answer pops up. I think it is also what creates memory and concentration. Memory - Memory is important to increasing the rate at which we can organize information. If we notice we need to use something a lot of times. We should just memorize it. Memory is essentially translating external sources such as text into your mind. Then from there is the easy part. We can use memory techniques and such. Concentation - So, this needs to be improved upon. This is very similar to meditation. Removing thoughts. If I want to concentrate. I must approach it similarly to meditation. How to increase concentation Give us a opportunity to go look around at all the other balls first. So our curiousity does not grow too strong. Be in the present. Notice all the interactions you have with the physical world. You must accept your past self. Forgive yourself. Then move on; because there's more to life. The future is a hard one for me. If you have an optimistic future. Then it should increase motivation. But the present is where you actually achieve it. By dreaming; you are spending time not doing anything. Hopeless future does not exist neither so either way. So essentially; in order to change your future. Or obtain your dreams. You must live in the present. Attempt to get into a environment that does not provide too much balls. I think i've got concentration down. The problem is the long term concentration I don't manage my health correctly; and therefore the amount of balls increases to the point where it is hard to concentrate due to all the emotions i'm feeling. I've finally got 2 interviews for 2 jobs. Hopefully i'll get them and they should help me with dealing with concentration long term. So here goes the same question i've asked 12000 times. According to a lot of people. Everything is in the mind. Your mood is entirely dictated by your mind. Not the environment. So my emotional response to not talking to other people for a week while being around lots of people is dictated only by my mind. Yet a lot of people say please get friends you need it; as you are human and bla bla bla. Is it really possible? Yes. I think so. I just don't have the correct meditation practice currently. In order to live such a life. I need an hour of meditation every single day. That is when I am able to notice every single thought that comes into my mind and redirect it to where I want it to go. So here's my morning schedule; that i'll try for a bit. Usually I end off at Run->then eat. Run->Mediate 45mins->Eat.

Joke of the day It's a peaceful day by the pond as I do backstrokes along this quiet lake. I look up at the blue sky. Hearing the swishing as my hand slaps the water. Swish-swosh swish-swosh Hitting the water with all the power I Have. I feel a twing of anger; as each slap onto the water. The water hits back. By the end of the swim. I am surrounded with anger. I Can't believe this fucking water hit me so many times. I must get revenge. I must. I am going to make up a theory that global warming doesn't exist. So ALL YOUR WATER EVAPORATES HAHAHHAHAHAHA. and that my friend, is how the global warming being a hoax was born. YOUR HABITS CREATE YOU. This is something I need to be more conscious of. That'll help me with my video game addiction. "I just wanna play this one game." Sure this will not cause too much of an effect. But the habit is what creates this. ME. The belief that this one game won't effect me is a lie. Not because of the game itself but because of the accumulation of games. Playing this one game means so much more than I think. If I play this one game it means I am not going to be able to achieve my goals. Ok maybe not one game a day. But if I play a few hours every day. I watched lion king yesterday.Basically a lesson I got from it was hakuna matata is not what life is about. Life is a game. But we must become who we were meant to be. We can't just live a lifestyle where we have all our comforts met. We can live a good life. But we should live an amazing life. I think there's more to the movie.

The purpose of life is to try to do the impossible It's about sacrificing everything to achieve your goal. In order to do the impossible though; I think we must become nobody. Nobody doesn't give a fuck about anything. He just sits down and does his work. No thoughts. At the same time; I must burn my bridges. Not accept mediocrity. Be in a survival state. I must aim for the stars. While nobody steps towards it. I'm afraid to dream about things academic related because i've failed so many times already. We need to practice our vision every single day. We need to make it stronger and stronger. Such that we can get out of bed. Go start on whatever it is i'm visioning about. Because we have hope. We are excited to accomplish this goal. We must correlate our dreams with each step. What is it that I want to do before I die? I want to have mastered physics. Be at the forefront. Then from there discover things about light, time. Different sort of mind shattering perspectives. I want to move us toward the truth. I want to discover another realm of reality where our perspectives are completely shaken upside down. I want a society to be a place where everyone is free. Nobody has to work anymore. This seems like a impossible dream but I definitely do think it is coming where A.I can get us food and such. But it depends on who wields the power. I want a society where we are connected. Where humans can all work towards their lp. I think those are the 2 things I want. Just like a cool futuristic society + discovery of another realm of reality. Now. Attempt at burning bridges. And sacrificing everything for these visions. Realize that studying right now. Will have an impact on the amount of knowledge you have. The amount of time you have. If your able to master your studying skills a bit earlier; we don't know what'll happen. So if this is the way I want to live. I neeed to ask myself. Am I willing to die to achieve this goal. Am I willing to run through hell. And kill the demons within there; while suffering from the flames that i'm walking on top of. Am I willing to crawl through bushes with thorns all around me. Each step I take will hurt. So that I can explore some fascinating alternate realm of reality. So that I can gain the mastery of a subject such that I can explore the bounds. You have one life. That is short. You can either go through life, walk through the same painless road with no light. Or you can walk through hell. And see the most beautiful light at the end of the tunnel. Am I willing to go through hell? Well the answer is yes regardless of whether I feel like saying it. The alternate is not actually a blank road. It's more of a gradual step towards hell. The way we can get through this is by looking at the end of the tunnel. Look at that light. And realize each step you take. You get 1 step closer towards it. The light needs to be brighter. At the end of this tunnel we can see the amount of lives we've impacted. The new society in which children are curious and not being forced to do shit. Where people help one another. Where everyone is accepting. We all have the same goal of looking outwards instead of fighting each other. The discoveries i've made is being discussed and contemplated upon. I'm respected. I'm completely engaged in my work. Every day. Completely covered in curiousity . Thinking about these puzzle pieces that could possible fit into this puzzle. Generating new creative ones. And on my death bed. I say that was a wonderful life. My heart quenches with excitement as I die. I'm in hell right now. And it'll only get harder from here. Am I willing to go all out. Am I willing to die trying to get to this light. Lets imagine the alternative where I don't give it my all. I wake up. I barely got by in school. After a few more years. I drop out. I attempt to make my app. I finished it. But it's already an idea that's been done since I was too slow. I try to work on projects. Here I am out of college. I decide that there isn't much to life. Just get by. Now i've worked at an office job for 40 years. Every single day. I work on some project that I don't give a fuck about. It's filled with people trying to get money. I'm just trying to maximize the money earned by the company. On the side i'll be working on some project that I do care about. But it never flourishes or makes me money. Eventually I give up. I am on my death bed. Alone. Wtf did I do? I gave up on my side-projects after 4 years of not putting in effort. Then the next 30 years flew by. I did nothing. Now i'm gonna die. I weep uncontrollably. What did I even do? I want another chance to live.

Joke of the day I am hungry. What should I do? Well according to all the stuff i'm finding out. Don't eat. Only then, will I be able to eat DO the Mundane. I don't have to be the super hero. I can be the person on the side selling hot dogs to the superhero. I can be the factory worker. Do the mundane. I am nobody. Accept that.Accept yourself at mediocrity. The sad thing is; now that you've disidentified with being somebody. You will be somebody. You'll gain the skills you need. Then that is a test to see if you are truley nobody. If you are not. You will identify and become somebody which will make you nobody in a painful way. Then you become nobody in a nonpainful way. Then you'll start to see results. cycle will repeat hehehehe. There's no ambition. However I am growing a little bit each day. That would not be a bad life to live. I assume to become successful as like a physicist for ex. You need to be like that. Be nobody. Just do the process. Be ordinary. Be extra ordinary to become extraordinary. Your mind should be empty when your in the factory. Stand up go cutt bread. After work your tired. Chill at mcdonalds. Work on your app. Then afterwards go home and make dinner. Watch some tv. Chill. Then go to sleep knowing that you did nothing of real value that entire day. Then repeat. I am nobody. Just flow through your short meaningless existence.

Joke of the day Mhhhh. HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHHE. omg. life is so funny. idk. Wtf. iT's actually halarious. It's like we have all these rules and we take them so seriously. I wonder how hard I can work. I wonder. Rather than focus on efficiency. I could try to work so hard that my entire life is math. I dream about math. I lose myself. In the morning i'm usually optimistic. During the nighttime I'm the opposite. If I want to do something. Go fucking do it. Simple as that. Idk what there is to fear. As long as you maintain control of what you think. What I wanna try to do today. Just sit in my room. Fuck breaks to increase efficiency. My goal is to maintain that no self-talk + having a goal of just learning as much as I can. Just being in that place where I lose myself. What did I do yesterday? I controlled myself. If you don't talk; you can control so much more of yourself. I've only tried it for 1 day of course. But yeah. Thought i'd write it down cuz it's interesting Just close your eyes. Be aware of yourself. Then gently add in what it is your conscious mind wants to do. What i'm doing today I change my identity right before I do a task to fit it. For doing homework. I'm just gonna become nobody. I'm gonna explore this new world. As nobody