Proactive

what are they calling you? And why are you in university at 15? Honestly, leo has covered every possible topic possible in the entire universe. Just google "how to make money actualized.org" "how to improve self-confidence actualized.org"

@Raptorsin7 How dare you tell me to succeed. Ultimately what i'm after in life is connection. HOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW, HOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW. It definitely is not sitting in some office. Its by earning my freedom. Anddddddddddddd, the only place where we have freedom is the present moment. TADA. No-fap holy smokerinos. I don't know how much longer I can make it. My goal is to make it to tomorrow. Today I was very distracted and thus was unable to channel my energy. This desire too shalt pass. It is so strong. I want to use this energy to build me towards connection. Ok, so i'm going to just use the energy right now. How will I get connection? freedom? Being in the moment. Not being controlled by society. Or lessen it. Ultimately all control is in my own hands. Society does push me a bit. Connection is the understanding of someone/something else. So what i'm after ultimately is understanding.

How to fail faster. When you fail, your mind wanders off. When you can't comprehend it, your mind will wander away. This is by design. My mind is looking for ways to solve this problem that is outside of what i'm thinking. This leads to automatic procrastination. Where I end up looking is incorrect. I'm not going to find answers on youtube, or reddit. Idk, maybe we'll find the answer another time. For now, we just need to realize, then loosen our brain and allow it to roam around to find an answer. Guide it though, don't allow it to go on youtube.

@modmyth yes, your video inspired me to start trying. That dude was in -10 degrees. ?

Nobody will accept me until I fully accept myself. I haven't spent time just loving myself in years. My biggest pain point was failing that physics class in my first year. Makes me feel inferior. This is the worst type of failure. The type you can't move past because you didn't actually deserve to fail. I can't say it's the past because I see the effect it has on me everyday I see the people who were in the other class. Normally I would just tell myself to just focus on what I can control. But not right now, right now i'm trying to love myself. Love myself even though i'm not who I planned to be. This is how my life is going to pan out. I'm going to enjoy my next couple of years. Stop letting this bring you down. Others may judge you, they may judge you incorrectly. You must stop letting this control your life, yes it has caused great harm. But it is going to continue harming you until you decide that it must stop. This is my fault. I could not accept this failure and I let it derail my momentum. I let bad, go to worse, go to worse, then go to worse. You had 1 situation where you couldn't control create 2 years of mediocre work. This is going to stop. You had the opportunity to stop the snowball from rolling down the hill, instead you complained about there being such a big snowball. While everyone else didn't get one instead of just stopping the snowball. This has less to do with self-love more to do with complaining about how life is unfair. Life is so unfair........ to the children who never even got a chance. To the people who were born with all sorts of shit. Life isn't fair. We've gotta accept that fact. I've been hearing this shit since I was like 8 from myself. This is something that is taught in school. Everything needs to be fair in school. But that is not real life. THAT IS THE COMPLETE OPPOSITE OF REAL LIFE. Life isn't fair. Life isn't fair. Life isn't fair. Some are born with talent. Others aren't. Some will be happy, others won't. Once I get this through in my head i'll stop complaining about this shit and actually take responsibility and actually do something. Some are born with good looks, others are born being short and look like a kid( me). What a nice way to transition to my next topic. Dating - what can I do to interact with females. Create a profile, and start swiping right lol. There's going to be all sorts of bullshit. Oh no, I might face an embarassing situation. Oh no, what if they are mean to me. There's 2 choices. Don't try <- no pain, but in the long term eternal pain Or try and fail. with a small chance of success <- extreme pain that turns into pride for atleast trying. Be nice to yourself for just trying. Welp, i've decided to go with option 1. I'm staying in a cave for the rest of my life. PEACE. srry I wanna go back to my first topic, I just found such a nice transition there. Life is not fair, I seem to have accepted it. Life is not fair. I'm just gonna go for a walk to drill that shit into my head.

@fridjonk oops I must've misclicked lol

coffee makes me really happy, like really happy. Sometimes to the point where I just start laughing randomly . The effects of coffee depend on what state i'm in at the time. If I depend on it to do hmk for example, it won't do much.

hello, I am back. This is proactive high on coffee. I don't know why, but I feel like chasing death is actually a good thing. I feel a sense of love when I imagine myself drifting back into nature. No need to be so serious. I am too serious when i'm not on coffee. hello there. Welcome to mcdonalds HELLO(me) how are you doing? What can I get for you? I'm doing horrible, the ground is covered in ashes, and the grey clouds loom accross the wide open sky. There is nothing but darkness(me) ............ the suffering is unbearable, there is no hope in this universe. EVERYTHING WILL DIE. Also can I get a medium coffee.(me) ok that'll 2.65$ Part of becomming a master has to do with not taking life so seriously is what I think. You must play life like a game. Care enough, but not care too much.

@modmyth Thank you, hehe. There's a fine line between pushing and pulling in socializing . You can either end up being too needy, or too withdrawn. I need to focus on improving my social abilities with the limited social activity i'm given. To fail big is to have lazer like focus. Don't let other people intrude upon the frame you've built for yourself. I have a goal. But other people also have their own goals/values/beliefs. If they are confident in it, it makes me believe their goal is important aswell. I can rationalize that their goal is not important. I can succumb to valuing their goals as well. I can also ignore them. Honestly I don't know anything, or what to do. All I know is that my intuition told me a while ago that my only goal is to learn. So learning is all i'm going to be doing. Learning different perspectives. Learning, failing. Changing. Why am I learning? In the moment, i'm doing it to enjoy it. In the long-term i'm doing it to help others. ------------- What is this doubt that has penetrated me. This hesitation, saying what i'm doing is not important. The truth is, what i'm doing isn't that important. This isn't the only path I can take. This hesitation is looking into the future. Why i'm doing this is to enjoy the sun, as I engage in my work. As I explore the content, as well as my consciousness moving around. Isn't that what life is aboot? This moment? Afterall, it's the only thing we can control. What do I want long-term? I want to survive, i'm possibly at risk of dieing. I had identified the 2 locations I believe that'll determine the outcome of where I end up. That is my success in being a physicist/life-purpose shit. Aswell as my ability to socialize, to stop limiting myself due to fear of rejection and iscolation from others. Afterwords, I just want to drift into my masters path. Enjoy that slow life, no worries. Just failing, and failing, and failing. Exploring without pressure from society. But I'd also prefer to not be completely alone. But yeah, lots of work to be done. What I had determined was that I was going to prioritize my life-purpose. I don't believe I should be dividing my attention into 2 locations. I should not be too proactive socially, but do be conscious improving the little social contact I will have with others. Do spend an hour or so a week just thinking about how I can improve socially. Situations, and shit. Maybe leos content isn't what I need. I'll tune into leos videos every once in a while whenever I feel like it, but it isn't important to me. --------- Here's what i'm going to be doing today I'm going to go with the flow. See the magic in everyday life. I'm just in a classroom rightnow and it is full of sunlight pouring in. The orange/yellow leaves squiggling outside. It is quite beautiful, and quiet. I am grateful for this moment. I'm just going to enjoy learning what goals i've set to learn today. I'm going to forget the entire world. I should also be moving a lot today, go for many, many walks. Enjoy this beautiful quiet day.

Masters journey - How to become a master at whatever it is you are doing. It does not matter where you end up, it does not matter what results you get. It just matters that you are on the journey. That you are consistently practicing. That's what it means to be a master. Pep talk - so i'm about to embark on my masters journey. I have prepared food, textbooks, I've found a huge table in a secluded area. My goal is 4 + optional(1-2) hours today. I must stop at 9:30 pm. 2 hours in I will take a huge break, probably watch some youtube video. I'm going to be doing some calculus. Attempting to finish homework by today. Here I am, in this room. I open my books, and head off into unknown territory. What will I find? Monsters? Or just endless piles of sand. Will I find nothing? Or a beautiful light show. I don't know. We will never know until we've traveled to the end. I am a master. I will stay on this path, regardless of where it leads. I will stay on this path through thick and thin. Never stop moving. Time to get started. honestly that was a shitty pep talk.

@modmyth - I just wanted to get rid of it as fast as possible, the longer this monster is around me, the more likely It is going to beat me. Resistanceeeeeee IS SO INTERESTINGGGGGGGGGG. SNEAKIEST MOTHER FUCKER IN THE WORLD. When you set your intention to do something. You'll experience a force opposite. If I could live in a world without resistance I'd wake up get to work, then ultimately not enjoy my life. Resistance is the reminder that your lower-self is not being entertained. Increasing enjoyment for lower-self There are deadlines, so my higher-self is telling me to go fucking finish it. The lower-self doesn't really care about the future me. He cares about me right now. So this deadline could be framed more like a challenge, he doesn't really care whether I fail or not in the future. Should i power through resistance? Yes, you should. But it should not be overwhelming. Improve that 1% each day. Push through 1%. I should stop trying to fix the big things. Fix the small things. One day at a time.

It's not only about pushing yourself to go further. But it's also about stopping yourself from going too far. Path of the master The path of a master is simply where oneself is very very very consistent at going to their practice. Their endless practice. It's a path where both the lower and higher-self can live. Resistance is a topic I need to be more conscious about. Resistance dominates my whole lifestyle. What is resistance? Resistance is simply the amount of force you've put, except in the opposite direction. Few people know that when you set a huge goal, there will be a huge force pushing you backwards. Even though you probably feel excited. The path of the master takes into account resistance, unlike what i've been doing for my entire life. I think today I just realized how beautiful the path of the master is. Staying disciplined, but not being overly ambitious. To enter the same consistent place every single day. 2 hours is what I'm feeling is correct. I believe I can work 2 hours a day for the rest of my life on my life purpose. Ok, my resistance is gone. Lets get those 2 hours in. No excuses. i'm getting greedy like always hehe. 3 hours. I am going to try for 3 hours everyday.

What is failure? Failure is the perception of the absence of growth. When one has an intention of growing. So there are 3 types of failures that I see currently Failure that destroys you Failure that doesn't change you Failure that fills you with pride. I don't have an opinion currently about which is the best. Currently, all failures are good. Another aspect is Were you engaged while failing?, or was it due to a lack of staying on the plateau. True growth only comes from failure. Learning you were wrong. Only then do you know what is correct. Why is failure so painful sometimes? Because we weren't expecting it. Our reality was proven wrong. This is how you amplify failure, the more pain you feel. The more you want to go away from this pain. Enjoy the pain. Enjoy it. It is coming eitherway, whether you fail a lot of times. Or you just don't fail at all. My favourite type of failing so, I the way I enjoy failing is completely surrendering as I've posted in the past. To let that resistance you feel go through your body. Let it do whatever it wants to you. Losing hope there is a good side to losing hope, and it's that you can feel like nothing matters. I can do whatever I want, then you'll end up with hope again. There is also even crazier losing hope, where you just lie there and don't eat, don't do anything. Like in "mans search for meaning" book there was a guy in the nazi camps who just died like that. This is a topic I should delve deeper into for another time.

Is the problem that you've adopted a specific survival strategy from these experiences? What i've been doing is contemplating/asking questions about myself. See how this survival strategy doesn't actually work anymore. Learn shadow work? Therapy is really good, it's like contemplation except the therapist has experience about certain traps oneself could fall into. idk how intense your abuse is so yeah. I've recently hit a breakthrough in my ability to become authentic towards others. After like 2 years of just contemplating, and 4-5 years of working on my social anxiety. So it may take longer than you expect or I've just been really slow.

I've RELAPSED I FOUND A MOUSE JUST LIEING THERE WHILE IN THE LIBRARY. I COULDN'T HELP IT. These past couple of days i've been playing video games again and a lot of it. I wish I could burn my new mouse but it's made of plastic. I am having a difficult time breaking this mouse because it appears to be way higher quality than my previous one. This is a test from the universe, CAN I DO IT. CAN I QUIT. FUCK ITTTT I'M GOING TO DO IT. I WILL NOT GO BACK TO VIDEO GAMES. I WILL NOT. AHHHHHHHHHHHHH. ok it is done. I have murdered my mouse. The second one. If I ever see another mouse just lieing there. I'm going to fucking kill it. IDC how expensive it is. Just fucking destroy it. NOW I'M GOING TO TAKE A SHOWER WITH THE MOUSE AROUND MY NECK. I've also lost a sense of identity when it comes to school. Not too sure why, but it is important to have this identity. I was just doing homework for no reason. It a waste of time. Today will be the day. I will stop at nothing to get my assignment done. I will not only finish my comp-sci homework. But also review my physics concepts. I will do whim hoff techinuqe, then I will get to failing. Over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over. With great intensity. Running into the wall with 100% belief I'm going to break through, just to hurt my head. Then getting back up, and believing, then charging.

@modmyth Thank you, I will? . I hope you fail a lot aswell l ? I really liked this episode because it gives me hope that I can become who I hope to become. I've always felt like I am a savant. I remember as a 3 year old how "unknown word" my mind was. Makes me feel like you can achieve a lot more than you think you can. Like I believed I could achieve more than I think I can. But with this video, I feel like like I can't even imagine how different I could be. That is how much you can actually achieve. I believe I've tapped into a small amount of this sort of thinking or whatever. This was through stopping the self-talk in my mind, and just using imagery, and feelings to store information. I've got a lot to do, but thought i'd share that. Similar to how sometimes when you are meditating you let things drift by, well you do that with information, or others speech. The difference I think would be not only do you need to be in the present allowing your mind to generate imagery/feelings. But you also got to remember these imagery/feelings. Today I was really unengaged because the work was uninteresting to me. This is because this computer science course i'm taking has nothing to do with truth, nor does make me feel like there's any relevance to what I will be doing. I enjoy the coding, and problem solving aspect of comp-sci. Just not the learning of algorithms. That is what my day should've been based upon. That is how I should study with this particular course.

ICE- COLD WATER ON YOUR BODY trust me You will be put into survival mode. You won't have time to be depressed. once when I was really depressed, it was actually quite easy to just drift into the cold water because I didn't care anymore. a cold-shower a day keeps the demons away. or it brings the demons out of your body.

The reason why I blog here is because for some reason I actually remember what I type on here. I finally broke through a social wall. Over the past yearish, i've been mainly just focusing on feeling good. Feeling calm while in social situations but I was always quiet. But ever since my post 2 days ago. I've finally broke through in being able to socialize well. I talk more, am more assertive and shit. Like a normal human being. I make jokes. I have shown my true self. Now I see another problem. It has to do with my hatred towards humans. What's wrong with me? I feel like i'm always being attacked. Because guess what? I am This is why I decided to withdraw and become shy, it's a sort of defense mechanism where you make it look like your attacking yourself so others won't. I had consciously chosen this in the past. I chose to be distant from everybody that way nobody could hurt me. Everyone was "nice" to me. And why would I be close to anyone, "all humans are so judgmental" --------- So right now I feel like shit. Thought i'd do a little rant. Today I was working pretty hard, I was focused on delivering great customer service. Then when I finished all my work, my manager would start attacking me, telling me to stop standing there. I literally stood there for a second looking at the screen because i'm new to the job. I'm not here to make the manager happy.I'm here to make the customers happy, I'm here to share some unconditional love lol. I'm not going to let her attacks bring me down. I'm going to focus on helping as many people as possible. If it ends in me being fired because i'm not pandering to the manager than so be it. Fuck the manager, Try your hardest and spread the love, because people need it. I'm not going to attack the manager either. As she is human, she makes mistakes. We all make mistakes, we all are devils. That's why I love humans. LOL. Also why I hate humans. This one manager appears to be a nice person, i'm not too sure what she cares about. But I know that it is not the customers. She is focused on money is what i'm going to assume. I've been there. I can understand it. People can attack me all they want. But I am going to stick to my values. I am going to continue helping those in need. In order to do that on a more massive scale, I need to continue educating myself. To keep learning, to just keep learning, just keep learning. Just keep taking, and taking, and taking. Good bye.

I am quite offended that you are disappointed about being a failure. ?. I think you are doing great! Gratz on the failures ehheheeheheheheh. same situation. Sounds like you have a bunch of negative motivation but is unable to act upon it. Go to library, I never get anything done at home. Or atleast have 1 dedicated study location at your home because your brain may mix up those 2 things.

hi, it is me for Halloween I decided To become a wage slave. Nobody is scared of me. When I walk by them. HEHEHEHEHE, HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA THEY ARE NOT READY FOR ME TO TAKE OVER THEIR LIFES HAHAHAHHAHAHAHA Go into your cave Go into my cave. Don't come out.

VSAUCE IS FREE UNTIL THE END OF THIS YEAR BTW

What is fear? Or a phobia? It's a irrational belief about a certain scenario that is going to occur. The chances of this fear occurring is heightened. How do you conquer fears? gradual exposure, complete surrendering. The willingness to "die" in a certain way. I will focus on the willingness to "die." Basically just focus on the present, focus on what your feeling. Then basically, you'll have no fear because you have not attached meaning to anything. I completely forgot what leo said in his fear video Be okay with social suicide. This is the exact same thing as failure. Just completely surrender. idk. idk man. I've just spent like 45mins typing to come up with this lol. The rest of the contemplation will be more intuitive and less wordy as I feel like i'm starting to mentally masturbate. a bit too much One thing I also want to say is that even though i'm defeating my social anxiety. This probably won't stop me from being experiencing loneliness as this is the path i've chosen. To become extremely good at something, requires sacrifice.

What is confidence? It has to do with how much you accept yourself. Do you forgive yourself? Will you still love yourself after you accidently killed 20 people (oops hehe ?) It has to do with resistance aswell. Can you just allow the force to take over you. To completely surrender? To be okay as a failure, to be okay as a murderer. To be okay as the leader of the yakuza gang. Ordering thousands upon thousands of people to DIE DIE DIE DURING MY CAREER. that is true confidence my hunnies. True confidence. I've had years upon years of experiences that have created an identity of a loner. An outcast. It makes me feel like i'm inferior to people in my daily life during certain social situations The main problem i'm trying to address is the amount of unconscious thoughts I have while in certain social situations. By default I am in a fearful state. It's when I become conscious of these thoughts that I can become better(varies by environments). So, the question is how do I tackle these years of programming of my identity? Teal swan likes to call it repressing oneself. I find it is more like building an identity overtop. One way is to go really really deep into meditation, and start accessing these unconscious beliefs and just reprogramming it straight up.( this is something I have no evidence of being possible, but I have felt like I was able to get there at one point) So what i'm tackling here is not one moment. But hundreds upon hundreds of experiences that reinforced this identity. To permanently remove that survival technique i've built up over the years. A really good analogy I have in my mind was when I was a kid I broke my foot and when I took off the wrappings. I had a really hard time touching my foot on the ground. I Put it down and just felt pain, over and over. It got better and better. Realize that your foot is no longer broken. Ok so what ways can I start putting my foot down? I'm having a hard time identifying exactly what those situations are because i've worked on certain scenarios. I have developed certain "walking patterns", but it is avoiding the painpoint. When I'm required to run, it shows my flaws. So every single interaction I have, even the ones im comfortable with should be changed. NO MORE LIMPING. TIME FOR WALKING. TIME TO PUT THE BOTTOM OF MY FOOT ON THE GROUND. What i'm ultimately afraid of is social isolation. Which is weird because that's what i've been living as mostly. But obviously I haven't really been rejected which is a even more painful social iscolation experience. How to stop being afraid of social iscolation. MHHHH, look at the reality of the situation. What do you really lose? LOTS, IF PEOPLE HATE YOU THEY WILL HURT YOU. but will I be okay? Will I be capable of surviving? Worst case scenario( which is not the worst case) - the entire group heads off, and just talks with each other while the sad boi is just standing on the side crying. ahhh, brings back good ol memories. TO BE CONTINUED

I realize I have created a pretty insane moral compass. We all have this moral compass. Enslaving kids is wrong and if we see it happening we would probably be saddened or something. Eating chickens is ok. We believe these things because our society taught it to us. Those who are more altruistic simply have created a different moral compass than a regular fellow. All these rules were created not because they are the truth. But because it's for our survival. Yet I treat them as like truth. Vision ABSOLUTELY FAILING. I give it my all. Everything, Absolutely everything. Yet I fall. I fall down the stairs and hit my head. AGAIN, AGAIN I'M FEELING THE SENSE OF GROWTH. KEEP GOING. KEEP FAILING. I derive no sense of joy from the activity. I feel boredom. That means i'm not failing hard enough. Not moving fast enough. keep failing keep fialing. Do nothing but fail.

Temperance Don't let your emotions control you Remain calm in a storm that's about to kill you Remain calm when your getting high Everything will be okay....... or it won't but that's ok. You can't deny emotions, but you also shouldn't push your emotions. That is a really hard balance to strike. Feel what is happening now, but detach from the past?