Proactive

hhehe going into the uncomfortable. usually when I notice something uncomfortable, I do something about it. But I try to not deny it. The one place i've actually been avoiding is schoolwork. It makes me uncomfortable. But i've never gone deep into the feeling. Until TODAY. I've just been IN MY ROOM ONCE AGAIN, just trying to translate information online into my head and that's a boring AF. I was afraid if I went into the feeling, I would lose motivation. I was afraid the truth was going to be against what I was doing. So I unconsciously never went into this feeling. There's a lot of friction that I need to unravel. There's a lot of fear of not succeeding in school. Can't really communicate this in words. go into the feeling of not wanting to do homework. Journalling has been very helpful, but lately I believe I have swayed too much into the people pleasing. Developing an ego.

Preparation for the journey. Set 30MIN GOALS - DONE. Finish eating -DONE Clean my table and get all supplies ready -DONE close phone, turn on ad block - DONE set temperature to 15.00 degrees. NOT 15.01. - EHHHH, set timers -DONE visualize we've got a short life. Let's not waste it, lets live. get into the present. See the colours, hear the keyboard. Ain't it all so beautiful. So essentially I added more breaks into my studying. Breaks must be managed carefully. If we just want to feel good during breaks, then we may take an hour to recover. The only purpose is to shift my attention onto something else. Big picture why am I doing this? There's no reason, i'm just going for a walk on the path of practice. What am I going to try to do today? o i'm going to continue leaning into the pressure. Finding pressure when there isn't any. o Aswell as be very strict on my break times. Total time on the path of practice - 2.5 HOURS not as fun, I got sidetracked by my sex cravings that I gave into. To flow requires us to surrender, to surrender our goals. Our whatever. After work i'm usually pretty much the opposite, because i've wasted 8 hours of my day. What I seek in flow is perfection. We are already perfection. But at the same time, I am not perfect, according to society standards, according to external results, I can't read an entire textbook in an hour. Butt, I technically can. You know? 1.Releasing entails enjoying, suffering, feeling what you are feeling. And to just accept the consequences of whatever action you are taking. 2. is it possible to read a textbook and get absolutely all the information within it within an hour? YES. But it takes time, lots of time. To learn to do it. You are perfect, but you are not perfect. You are headed towards becomming yourself........ idk. i'm a coo coo head.

about to embark on my first journey on the road called practice. DAMMIT THAT WAS SUPOSSED TO BE THE NAME OF THIS JOURNAL. NOT GOING ON THE PATH OF MASTERY, BUT GOING ON THE PATH OF PRACTICE. anyways, i'm chill. deeeeeeeeeeeep breathe in. ahhhhhhhh. Lean into the pressure lonliness, tests, due dates, death, insecurities, time, ect. You can kill 2 birds with 1 stone. Lean into the pressure, accept what is coming and use it onto traveling on the path of practice. notes Manage difficulty experience of control setup - bring all materials needed, clean desk -DONE I've got a 2 hour plan. This will give me some time to check. To know my progress TIMERS SET. READY AND GOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. 1.5 hours total on the path of practice today I had a fun time doing homework, I had just enough pressure, aswell as I leaned into it. I completed quite a bit, but not enough to say I finished my goals.

Nice to see all the positive changes you've made ? GRATZ

What are my weaknesses. TOO MUCH IN BIG PICTURE THINKING, NOT ENOGUH WORK ON THE GROUND. ON DAILY LIFE. 3 simple things. wash dishes go shopping for food make food and go clean your room Now for the big beast. SOCIALIZING. OTHER HUMAN BEINGS. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I'm an introvert, but I don't like being alone. I like others company, but I don't like being suffocated of my freedom. I really wrote that out well. I have to say. Sorry, this isn't going to be solved by logic. Just go out, in your daily life. When your shopping, when your just walking. Be more social, be more friendly. be more likable, open up. Don't be judgemental. Don't take things so seriously. Stop trying to get approval or anything from people. I have a frown, lets turn it upside down. change the way you act. Every single second. Every second counts.

dam.... I have been avoiding nuts all month long. Didn't realize it was good for your brain

there's a PM feature on this forum

2 hours, of 100% focus a day on my craft. Or whatever I want to do. MAXIMIZE FLOW IS THE GOAL.

@JustThinkingAloud thanks ?

You know I really want to live like a monk sorta I want to meditate for hours a day aswell as do homework and go to school I never viewed meditation as like a hobby, but why not? The modern monk ?

So I just found out how traumatized I am. How people have been treating me my whole life has affected me. I've written down traumas in the past, but I guess I never actually realized the damage done. writing it down helps, but I gotta becareful about playing the victim. basically, nobody ever listened to me. everytime I would say something to my sister, or my mom that I would care about. They'd either project onto me, essentially ignoring my opinons and shit. My mom seems to be trying to sabotage me, when I was a kid I remember I had won a project, and I got to bring it back home. Then my mom would just throw it out and just seemed to always be trying to make me a "normal" person. She always complains about me not listening to her, but there's no way that I can listen to someone who won't listen to me. There's a bunch more scenarios about things I just recently realized has not been good for my self-esteem. Then my sister wasn't particularly helpful as she would always say I was annoying. Then my mom would just always side with her. Our entire family is just traumatized. My mom and sister do have their own problems, and ultimately it has effected me as well. But do not forget that I live in a first world country, do not forget that I had access to teachers, psychologists, and basically the entire system. I am alive, and these problems I can overcome.

This society of ours. where everyones chasing. chasing, chasing after the same thing. just abandon this thing. Everyones after success. So many people wasting away this life. Trying to be something that we are not. We don't treasure it enough or atleast I don't. Be who you are. Accept what is to come. Forget about food, money, shelter, acceptance Forget about dreams and aspirations. Make what you want to happen. HAPPEN.

This journal is going to be about measuring something to ultimately achieve flow. So without homework, I can be unengaged when all I'm doing is trying to read a textbook for example. IF anyone has ideas about how I can increase flow using this journal or happiness in short + long term. I'm open to hearing about it. Also if anyone wants to join in to help you achieve your goals feel free. Accountability is useful. I want to feel a sense of growth everyday. Not just have a daily goal, then tomorrow have a completely unrelated set of tasks. I want to be pushing my limits, in order to do that, we need to know where our limits even are. So I'm just going to start with measuring these qualities every single day. What i'm aiming for is on the right side. Happiness 10/10 stress 1/10 External achievement 10/10 Focus levels 10/10

Looking forward to learning from your posts!

beautiful images ? I wonder what the first one is trying to say

Don't chase for happiness, Don't chase for success. The more you chase, the more you've defined that you are not HAPPY, or successful. peace

why don't I have friends? I don't care about anyone unless they need help. I have an unconscious belief that takes consciousness to override(that i'm socially inadequete) I also have a habit of not letting go, just flowing regardless of this rule. Should I say this? How will they react How should socializing in a group be like. What should happen is, a group is not an individual. It's an actual entity. That's what I don't realize, in a group you don't try to elevate a this perosn then this person. But you try to increase the groups vibe. Yeah. idk.

There's no doubt that I will make it out alive. There's no doubt. I am capable of more than I think, I will surprise myself. That's all that needs to be said. I'm going to pass EVERY SINGLE one of my courses. This confidence comes from me knowing that I am capable of way more than I think, which is something that is internal.

I've decided to just scrap that shit. I think this journal is going to end as i'm switching to other things but we'll see. I had some insights onto what is masculinity and feminity today which made my day so much better aswell as a reminder of how I became the person I am today. A GOD, A LEGEND. THE GREATEST OF ALL TIME! ........or a low self-esteem thing YIN AND YANG engaged/direction -masculine detached/flow - femininity flow towards your direction The feminine ultimately cannot be controlled by the masculine. You just have to truly surrender. To embody it. You have to enjoy this moment, not for the sake of some goal. But because it feels right. Create the light. Strengthen the light, but don't forget to change your attention to carving your path. All I can do to embody the feminine is give it suggestions. examples of masculine trying to control femininity - Having goals, changing happiness levels in order to achieve it. examples of femininty trying to control masculinity - Trying to obtain happiness, from achieving your goals honestly, the insight was a while ago, doesn't seem all that cool anymore. Maybe what i've written isn't that accurate. If you want to create anything, you need both the flow and the direction.

A job is something you do regardless of how you feel. To provide value to other people. Learning is my job, to accumulate knowledge so that I can one day apply it. Today i'm going to be reading "boring " slides. The way I operate is definitely not the way slides are putting them in. So, what I need to do is get a big picture view of what we are learning, then go downwards from there. What are we learning?( obtaining concept names) Why is it useful? What is it used for? How does it do it? (hand wavey solution) How does it do it?(precisely )

pleasure - 5.6 Focus 6.2 detatchment - 5.8 external results -4.2 score 54.5% So I realized i've actually been going through withdrawal symptoms from no-fap. I feel emptiness in my heart, and it feels like there's something flicking me in the head. When I place attention on it, it doesn't go away. So i'm glad i've caught it early so I can deal with it. I'm getting back into the habit of meditation. Cold showers. Exercise. These things won't come naturally to me like it did when my testosterone was high. Also, try to put yourself into life-death situations where you are forced to grow.

So I have this beautiful scene in my head where there's this guy running up a mountain he's charging like his life depended on it goes through obstacles, and more obstacles to get to the end the top of the mountain. The camera angle does a 180 degree angle switch. To show a face of astonishment, at the view he has just witnessed the camera continues turning as a gust of wind swishes, and he disintegrates into that wind yes I love dieing from gust of winds.

Everyday, I will try to fail atleast one thing. Idk, what is to come. one day there'll be statues labeled "greatest failure of all time." I would've failed on such massive scales that people would applaud me.

DREAMBOARD ATEMPT #1 Sitting there, detatched, objectively looking into the nature of reality. flying through space, peering into reality. Exploring, looking at this magical wonderful detailed world. It's so beautiful ain't it. Calm, and steady as a clear picture fills my vision, a new facet of reality. So clear. So clear. A glimpse into reality. Into another perspective. I WANT IT, I WANT IT!

DELICIOUS FOOD RECIPES THAT ARE HEALTHY soups, and vegetables. The thing with vegetables are they are not fiilling. RICE, CHICKEN, THOSE ARE PRETTY NICE. HOW TO COOK MEAT honestly....... Who cares, just put everything into the pressure cooker lol.