Proactive

I am going to attempt to implement better structure and grammar into my posts. I will stop writing as if nobody is going to read them. So, why am I writing this post? Well, mainly I've been feeling less motivated. Even though I don't know feel like it is because of lack of socialization. I do realize that when I am socializing, I am much much more motivated and less apathetic. I don't see the cause, I only see the effects that certain actions cause upon me. One thing that I realize that I cannot live without is creating things, That is what my passion has to be about, today I considered being a game developer, In the past I had worked on a game and I really do enjoy the process but once again, like computer science I don't find it very "meaningful" I find a job like physics meaningful. The reason I assume that I cannot have computer science or Game dev as my life purpose is due to the fact that I'm not that curious about it. So the combination of curiosity and creativity is what I need. A interesting way of approaching this problem is being curious about what I am going to create, therefore the only value needed here is creativity. The first approach I am taking is listing out what i'm curious about, then see if I feel there is creativity inside, maybe vice-versa with creativity if I can't find anything Things I'm curious about Nature of humans/philosophy/philosophy - questions like how to be happy Nature - such as evolution, and other sorts of egos that don't have a physical body Universe/physical world - feels like a stimulation Ocean/earth species Space life Smallest matter, and how they act Largeness of universe, and how they act Laws - just wot? I feel very limited because this is all I can think of, one thing that generates a bit a satisfaction is just knowing about things in life, like what is this teddy bear made out of exactly? Or why does smoke come out of really hot places? Things I'm curious about have already been created by nature. Ideally I would create things in order to figure out how nature works.The word nature this time represents both the physical world and collective egos.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh Something that has always played a part of my life since a very young age was the desire to be respected, to be loved. I would show off when I was young, but as I got older I realized that was not the way to go; however the underlying desire still exists. Is the answer to this self-respect? Yes it is, I instantly feel respected as soon as I respected myself, good job proactive. now, what do I want. It always is this question, the answers are always different. What do I want. Sometimes it's to chill, sometimes it's to get excitement. That should be my cycle, do something exciting and difficulty, then sit back and relax. Answers to questions change depending on your reference of frame. For example classical mechanics is a very different description of the world than quantum mechanics. One day we might find some physical law that shows 2+2 = 5. Answers change, depending on environments such as mood. This is one of the moments where I just don't know what I want. Could it be due to social iscolation? I think it usually is. It's just that I don't talk to anybody about things that actually matter to me. That's the purpose of this journel . AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH(relaxing ahh not screaming one) So, lets remain proactive. I have been quite proactive though, started LPC I am afraid i'm going through it too fast. I've been doing some electronics and I feel quite scared, I see the large ass mountain I need to climb. It seems like engineering is better for me than physics. I've always designed things in my head, and I always enjoyed doing it. I know in real engineering jobs don't usually have that much design. But it's ok, I don't have to be an engineer after. I've got 2 jobs, both requiring lots of social contact so that's good. One of them is selling ice-cream, the other is a salesman with lots of training of how to MANIPULATE PEOPLE HAHAHAHHAAHAHHAHAMOO. Ok, lets just enjoy the process of learning electrical engineering. Learning about circuits. Gonna set up some affirmations I am on the heroes journey I am going to put 100% focus on all activities in front of me I value failure I am someone with the growth mindset I am a creative inventor I love and respect myself It is actually mostly the cost that makes the journey so beautiful, not the end.

Since grade 10( now finished first year uni), I have wanted to learn about physics/astronomy. I have been very curious about the universe, and finding more about it; however this is probably the hardest subject for me. I have always ranked at the very bottom of my physics classes( failed my current physics course ), even though I spent lots of time attempting to do the homework for this semester I still ended up failing the course( was unable to spread time out evenly during the week since I had homework due for other subjects). I enjoy learning about physics but I think i'm slow to grasp the concepts. I enjoy learning physics sometimes, but because I'm slow to grasp material, I will usually not have enough time to grasp it, therefore have a frustrating time doing homework. Comp sci for me is a much easier subject and I have a much better foundation from high school, it doesn't feel hopeless when I'm doing homework. However, I am not curious about computers. I am able to get into the zone much easier with comp sci. Throughout the year, it has never felt right to major in this because I have always dreamt about doing physics.(currently pursuing a minor) If I choose physics, I will go to a less well known college, since I was taking the second part of a specialized physics course that is offered only once a year and is cheaper. I will also try to redefine my learning techniques, take the life purpose course with the extra money. I could stick to my current uni and major in comp sci, likely get a job out of school and overall less pain in, and out of school. I feel like being a physicist( even if I don't get paid ) will be a much more enjoyable experience for me in the long run than a programmer. This is because the size of the physics problems get less and larger and am able to ponder questions for a very long time; which is something I have dreamed of doing. I don't think I would mind being a programmer/janitor after doing my physics degree provided that I am capable of comprehending and am able to theorize about the universe. I most likely have a ego to do with physics, I can attempt to remove it so I can see what my authentic self wants, how do I remove it? Any advice on what to take and why?

Write down the activities you enjoy doing or have a passion for. I enjoy looking/creating art I enjoy solving problems that require creativity/ multiple solutions to a single difficult answer I enjoy contemplating Write down the subject matters you enjoy knowing more about. philosophy physics psychology stuff that starts with P - HEHEHEHEHE paradox Write down what you think your talents are. I am passionate can look at the bigger picture I am emo Find a common pattern among the things you have written down. Describes life/society looking at things in many different/new perspectives difficult/deep questions After finding the common pattern; try to describe the essence of that pattern. Exploring different ways of viewing reality/life (idk wat to call it) to solve problems. Write a sentence based on the pattern you have found like this: ''My life purpose is to [pattern]''. My life purpose is to solve problems by exploring alternate realities/perspectives. Try to figure out the activity that you could do in the future that revolves around your life purpose. Attempt to understand my dads weird photos of a an orb coming from the sky to my grandmas hospital room during her death Identify the skills required you need to master to follow your life purpose. Math, comp sci, physics, philosophy, meditation, psychedelics, engineering

I remember part of the reason why I detached from society. In gr 6, I had beliefs which I guess aren't wrong. Humans are horrible. Power hungry,greedy, and selfish. I guess this is true, but I can't say that for everyone. There is a good majority of humans like this. This is the reason why I hated humans, but aren't I human, am I like this? Yes. However I do have a larger picture in my mind, of humanity. but i'm tired of nihilism. Why the fuck am I wasting my time trying to be sad... Those with nothing have less pain for nothing can be taken from them, therefore is the most powerful. Those with nothing have limitless potential, they start fresh and anew, contradictory quote "those with everything will have everything given to them, those with nothing will have everything taken away from them" this refers to how those with power will attract more power because they have power. Those with no power, are weak and cannot keep their power. This is why there is the top 1% for example. Jesus was an amazing person, a truley selfless person. Someone who knew what was going on. The way humans should live, is being nice to everybody, that's the only way to deal with "evil". Evil/malevolence is never truley evil from the persons own view, it makes sense. They are angry, jealous, scared, unaware. Reacting with the same emotions makes people like me think the world is fucked up, whereas when my cousin treated me super nicely, cared for me and stuff, even though I didn't have much to offer. That changed my view of the world a bit. Now I know there is more good. Some people actively look after my survival, not just their own. White will never be gone, nor will black (ying yang sign). Life is just a game, why so serious. Who cares if there's evil in the world, in fact that is good. Just ride life. Play the game of life.???????????????? Life is just a game. Watch the world as time increases. Watch change happen, do things that i'm inspired to do. Then die. Just a leaf falling off the tree. I'm just a leaf grasp of the tree loosens, My orange body, drifting slowly droplets of water fall from the leaves above incapable of holding it in drip drop left right. I'm red, brown, and orange.

I am going to diverge a bit because I have been feeling the meaningless of life quite a bit more lately . This started when I met a person that my parents know, and they told me my own future( I most likely do not believe in this) , I have also seen/felt some paranormal things( I currently do not believe in religions). Not too sure why this kicked in these feelings. What's the point in doing anything? help humanity? finding about the universe? In the end, we will all suffer, Why try to improve ourselves, why try to explore things? Once we have finished the goal, all that's left is depression. Having literally everything is a really depressing thing that could happen to someone. So why strive for peace, longevity of humanity, ect. When all that effort is pointless. There is nothing that gives me joy, however lots of things are painful. This is nihilism. I have only hit the surface. I feel just a constant pain in my head, not too painful. Who said this feeling is bad. I do have a choice right now of just doing physics, get curious and live like that. Or I can follow leo's advice and just continue feeling this. Does it really matter which I pick? Having nothing makes me feel alive, grateful. Enjoy life. should I even sleep on a bed? My bed is way too big. I watched collective ego(leo's vid) a second time today, this time it made a lot more sense. Ego, is self preservation of a life form. Ego, does not only apply to individuals but to collective groups and systems. There is no real reason why we should preserve ourselves over another. Here is an ego I've had for a long time which spiked my interest in STEM + cool visualization. If we were to look at a tree, a few leaves falling off don't matter too much to the tree. We could symbolize the leaves as human lives, as long as we keep the tree alive. I felt this was something permanant, but it is no different than the leaves dieing. An abstraction upwards, we could say the trees life does not really matter in the forest as long as the forest is still alive. This is like literally the definition of Ego in this video, the act to preserve oneself. In this case oneself is humanity. If self preservation is pointless objectively on a human level, and if humanity is the same. Then I had an ego to preserve humanity. As stated above, it is bad to preserve humanity for infinity. But what difference does 12 billion years of living vs 4 billion ? My search for an objective truth is over, a purpose that fits all models of realities. Life is beautiful, painful, still meaningless. My dream, engulfed by a world full of colours , just the right amount of chaos. Like a story. Life is serious( therefore has meaning ), but full of adventure. Einstein inspired me to become a physicist. I can try to create this experience. OK( will learn about heroes journey, wish I had lp course pls gift me leo senpai)

Topic : Inhibiting beliefs (forgot the word) regarding socializing What inhibiting beliefs do I have which makes me less social that there is a specific way to act in all scenarios. when with people older than me, I act more submissive, I do not ask questions if there is some sort of connection, but with strangers I might be more outgoing. - can go into more detail when with people younger than me, I act more shy when older people are watching people my own age(most important) people I have connections with ex old friends, family - I can open up quite a bit easier, I enjoy their company, I am getting worse though. people I have no connections with, classmates Ok, so this entry will focus on people my own age, that I have no connections with. I intend to evaluate every single classification of people in my mind, maybe combine them all together, thus treating everyone the same. Maybe Depends on my confidence levels, if it is high, and they don't have a bad first impression of me, and the group isn't too big(2 people max), I feel like I can approach. If it's low, or I have had a bad first impression I avoid contact( mainly what I did this year). There are 2 things that I can "work on" if I accept the way I am, then why am I working on this. This question pops up once again, and maybe addressed later for I am tired and don't have all the time in the world. 1,2,3,4,5... will go from easy to hard tasks to complete when I get back to somewhere I can speak English Work on approaching people regardless of the bad impression. Work on getting better at approaching new people, esp with bigger groups. Practical steps. Talk through the microphone in video games more often with a wider range of topics regardless of the other players thoughts about you, whether I am playing good or bad. Review how your talking went after each game you play. do #1 except with real people at wherever i'll be working this summer I got sidetracked, find my LIMITING BELIEFS. What social beliefs do I have that do not fit reality (feels like i've done this b4). Wellll, kinda hard because if I knew it was a false belief, then it wouldn't be a belief lol. As my dad is saying right now( to other people), it's so simple, stop thinking, whatever. It is exactly that right there, because I am thinking that these limiting beliefs will start to kick in, beliefs are thoughts. If I just be, accept whatever reactions come from others. This will be key to my socializing being, stop thinking.THAT IS WHAT I'M GOING TO WORK ON FUCK YOU BITCH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH SHDFAKJDHFEUIHALJBDJFAN. ahem, I am back and want to prepare my stop thinking by thinking. I need to switch from thinking to being, when i'm alone and when i'm with others. Being alone will usually be more beneficial. ouch too much thinking. who said being can't include thinking o.0 why am I not being? I am not being because i'm afraid of other peoples reactions, the more people, the bigger the impact. I'm afraid of the negative reactions of others. Lets be specific, I am afraid they will dislike me, if they dislike me, they treat me badly. Iscolation will occur, they will all leave me. This belief is actually the cause of my isolation, this is a positive feedback loop(not necessarily sure, but I learned a new word from a book i'm reading so i'm using it). SUMMARY - being is THE key here, however I have unconscious beliefs that make it harder to just be. If I was like super focused, maybe if I meditated reallly well, it would remove the positive feedback loop. Another solution, my current way about this is dealing with these unconscious beliefs in order to mitigate or remove these beliefs so I can BE more. How am I going to mitigate this fear? Why do we have fears? According to google we have 5 basic fears, the two that immediately speak out to me + ego death( which i'm interested in but is not topic of this post) is Loss of Autonomy( loss of control ) and Separation ( abandonment, rejection, and loss of connectedness; of becoming a non-person—not wanted, respected, or valued by anyone else. The "silent treatment," when imposed by a group, can have a devastating psychological effect on its target.) I have fear of seperation.- TO BE CONTINUED

Authentic - feels nice when I am authentic self love - gets me through hard times and allows me to act more authentic humble - being humble makes life more interesting, because once you feel you know something, it isn't a "challenge" anymore and that is no fun curious - makes life more interesting, makes everything a "challenge" I feel like 10 values is too much for someone to stick with

Uncertainty In life, one has to cope with uncertainty of everything. Uncertainty of whether there is a god, uncertainty of whether your cousin is ignoring you, uncertainty of whether your current path will be a successful path for you. Uncertainty of whether the future is already set; thus no free will uncertainty of whether people like you I'm not too sure about how to deal with it, this list will make me realize the meaningless of life if I try to lean too far on one side of the spectrum. Let it remain uncertain, and just continue with life. But leo said to go deep into the meaningless of life, I'm not too sure about whether to follow what leo said, or follow what feels better/ less pain, less gain. WELLLL, the meaningless of life isn't actually that bad of a feeling for me if you are not pursuing some goal at the time, you can just enjoy life and be yourself, no words, no labels. How is oneself supposed to act when they are uncertain, act uncertain, act cautiously, do not put all your eggs on a basket. I am very grateful for how my other cousins have been treating me lately, it's not very often people are that nice to me as I look unfriendly. They showed me something I had forgotten, I can't explain in words, to do with kindness.

How to live a more fulfilling vacation Things I want, I will propose some of this stuff such as getting a phone for a few weeks speak louder, have more fun, improve the atmosphere in convers with others put more emphasis on being curious even though I don't know too much Chinese , I will go exploring, I want to take some classes or something, might go with mom and sis can go to the library by myself get a phone rent a bike visit museums, I am currently interested in ones to do with monks, spiritual stuff. Things to avoid going to too many dinners, meeting family/ect following parents Preparation THIS IS THE TIME FOR AUDIENCE PARTICIPATION, any tips? , too bad nobody reads my stuff , I am getting pretty excited, but of course my parents have to let me which I would say is a 40/60 chance 40 being yes. I will get lots of weird looks from people, as I can't speak mandarin too well, just prepare for that. Nothing too big. If you are very far away from home, do not walk into alleys.

I will not let anyone control my life, I will not let judgments dictate how I act, I will not lose my confidence when others dislike me. I had an painful experience todayish where my cousin had flown to china at the same time(not same plane), we had met them in the airport. My cousin was very excited, and started talking to my sister with her back facing me, I felt like she was ignoring me, but I cannot be sure why. I really hated this situation because we were in a lineup and I could not run away, in the beginning I had attempted to interact with her( maybe I was too quiet or she just ignored me), while our parents were in the back also talking. I was just standing in the middle trying to cope, I use to have this feeling of exclusion all the time in school. This messed up my mood for the rest of the day when meeting relatives and such, one thing that had helped me act a bit better was doing a ritual for my dead grandmother as it reminded me, how little time I have, why am I wasting my fucking time feeling sad. Another positive is I was fairly authentic throughout, I had acted sad when I felt sad(but I could not cry cuz it is weird, maybe I should to go the washroom), I had not forced any energy out, when I did not feel like it. I feel very overwhelmed today. What would I do if I could choose It would still be pretty hard to interact, as my cousin had not acknowledged me whatsoever I would make them acknowledge me, through The greeting, the initial contact, I'd put on a happy face, and go with the mood( was not feeling the mood at the time, as I just got off the plane tired), make sure I'm atleast noticed if ignored, I could fall back, create my own party with the parents What will I do now? I will visualize this scenario doing as stated above I will find a way to deal with my mom and sisters constant judgement/negativity as I am the person I hang around with most, I am afraid of being like them I will distance myself away from them whenever I see that they are being overly critical/judgmental until I am in a better place to help others When I get back, what I will do is get a job, work, go to the library or something, don't remain in the house for too long. I could have a different sleeping pattern, sleep early, wake up early. Another very very important thing I have to address is how I want to stay the same in peoples perception, I want them to think of me as a box, when in reality, I was a box 1 hour ago, and now im a trapezoid. Why? it has gotten better, but still. If someone thinks I'm shy, but all of a sudden someone i'm comfortable talking with comes up, and I am now not shy. I will still act shy.

You forgot to address us attack helicopters, cool visualization though

wow, just found this vid, very similar to what I wrote about 2 days ago o.0 Now that I'm back home, I realize how bad my home environment is. My mom continuously yells at me, constantly states what is wrong with me( hoping that it will "fix me"). Just the way it is delivered is horrible, I can't fix 6 things at a time. It is hard to think about her objectively because, I have strong emotions that arise, really does not make me want to do what she asks. One distinction I have made while studying physics on my own is, the approach to learning physics is based on curiosity, meanwhile compared to something like computer science, which I feel like when learning it, should be focused purely on problem solving. That is probably the reason why I can't change my major to comp sci even though I am better at it, and there's less suffering overall currently. I have played much less video games, but not completely stopped. Maybe like 2 hours a day? I am still not satisfied, as I use video games as a way to escape the negative emotions I feel. That is the reason why I uninstalled the ones I normally play. Today I decided to walk around, I feel like screaming, like there's, but it really feels like a transparent wall is blocking me, same with when I use to not talk in school, or when there are cliques forming. What I did was, I continued try screaming, I was afraid of people seeing/hearing it. I walked right beside a dark forest, where it was very dark. My first few attempts were pathetic, like it might've been quieter then my talking voice, then it was a talking voice which was so pathetic lol, but eventually I got like 70-80% of my max volume for like 1 sec each scream. I was very proud of myself. I hope to one day scream like i'm being chased after by a serial killer.

Finished exams baby Goals for summer learn to get better at learning physics, learn from first principles, then apply it to real life, make your own problems learn to let loneliness into your life more often, without having to take walks to relieve it read more academic things, to improve my comprehension of more difficult materials while improving concentation cutt back on video games a LOTTT, like maybe don't play league of overwatch, maybe play with my cousin when he comes? meditate, self inquiry, things of that nature A LOT MORE, maybe hours a day I am doing some classes too during the summer

There is no meaning in life, only emotions. How do i live then? It is my choice. What is the dream? If I were god, what would I do? I'd remove the need to eat I'd play around with the universe, experiment with it, run stimulations, try out new implementations of things What if I already tried literally everything possible? I know everything, I can do anything. (I realized, all of our fun comes in not knowing, the mystery of life). then life is complete, it would be hard to comprehend what the 4-11 diemnsions in reality would look like. Well, I'd just be happy forever, blissful forever. Really no point in interacting with reality since he already knows what will happen, and everything. not really easy for humans to comprehend What is his viewpoint on humanity? I will continue questioning later or another time.

Life is experienced alone A collective illusion from where I am right now, is the belief that being alone is bad. I have this illusion that, those that are socially inadequete are inferior in some way. Here's a cool way of looking at reality 1-10 being how social oneself is, 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10 - This is "reality" -weird comment, if our reality (our senses) aren't real, and we are living in a stimulation, then it would be mean that we are living in a stimulation (society) within a stimulation(matrix). 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 This is how our perception has been shifted because of society, 10 would be "better" then 9 because it's higher. Maybe some things wouldn't be turned exactly 90 degrees, therefore the height between 2 numbers wouldn't be as high. Get comfortable alone, don't listen to societies norms. Build everything up from being alone. That is my number 1 priority, not physics. If done in more depth, it will give me constant satisfaction, without the need for anything at all. I already noticed that I am capable of talking without feeling as anxious to others without feeling kinda fake as in the beginning of the year, I had been quite a bit more social, but it didn't feel real. Comp sci test tmr Cry with sad music on shower meditate I want to go write some code, but nothing too big I will write many different files of code, pertaining to different things, start with heaps, and sorting algorithms

Will more consistent meditation remove this? Or is my sitting posture wrong? Sometimes I like to sit regularly, sometimes I sit with one of my feet squeezed between my thigh and calf while the other feet is normel. Should i do yoga, I do not intend to do yoga for very long, maybe 5-10 mins max. As i am starting to meditate more consistently again.

Habits are a settled or regular tendency or practice, especially one that is hard to give up. There's a cue,routine, and reward. Habits are good if you want a productive life because once created, it takes very little mental resources to do this habit. So if you make healthy habits, doing healthy things aren't painful. It takes usually around 2 months for a regular person to develop a habit. Work slowly. The suffering I have experienced this year, mainly pertains to socializing. This is caused because at the beginning of the year, I had made a few friends, and got comfortable, and not continuing to challenge myself socially, I had thoughts like "I am going to focus on school, while others socializing, and i'll be much better at school" the mindset I had adopted in the past because I was a loner. This didn't work, because I got lonely and unmotivated, previously I had covered up my lonliness with socializing on online games, but my laptop cannot run any games( did on purpose). I had unconscious beliefs that i'm not socially adequete , I have worked on it. Still difficult in groups though. Something I remembered surrender to the loneliness, feel it. Tips from todays meditation, surrender yourself regardless of emotion, if your feeling excited don't run away from it, experience it. If your feeling depressed don't run away from it, feel it. Whatever comes, just feel it. Go to the beach, and drink coffee + eat shower - warm then cold meditate make my formula sheet for my physics exam try to review any loose concepts

Panda is yummy

Ok lets start over again So, lately i've been having trouble working consistenty, maybe cuz it's finals, and there is no homework to push me. My next test is going to be physics. In 2 days. How am i going to be studying? What is my approach? 1. Clean up my room so I feel more organized. 1.5. meditate 2. Look over sections that I didn't quite understand too well. 3. Look over previous tests 4. See where I had trouble and figure them out 5. TO be determined if i have time I can make up my own questions I can look over homework I can look at reality, trying to see how they apply in the real world UPDATE: TMR i will research a bit about habits, I will set habits slowly overtime. I want to create a new scheduale daily

Topic: I'm just prob gonna ramble about past, I feel this could be therapeutic. Lots of times, I feel like people don't like me. I don't know the reason , but I believe it. This started in grade 5, unlucky that a bunch of my friends had moved away + losing my bff at the time + a new abusive student + played a bunch of video games without much social contact during summer. I also decided to stop playing soccer, a place where I derived my confidence from prior, because I was quite good at it compared to my peers. I had a lot of pride at the time, asking someone to be my partner for an activity took a lot from me(instead of them asking me). I had asked people to be my partner a few times I think (long time ago), but I don't remember being anybody's partner except for another loner when groups weren't assigned. Eventually I did these activities by myself, and stated "I want to be in a group by myself", sometimes the teacher would assign me to join groups. I tried to be friends with new students but I never really got new friends. I was not too abnormal in anyway during that time, one of the new students was physically abusive, wasn't just me exactly( I realized over the years his family isn't the best, and for some reason I don't recall him being in trouble ) initially, I would fight back. Grade 5, I became a bit of a loner, I would still call myself still outgoing, and a normel kid. Grade 6. I became more of a loner I remember certain beliefs becoming more dominant "I don't like people", "I am my best friend("good" belief lol)." Grade 7. I changed to become a "nice guy" as that "bully" wouldn't hurt me anymore, and people were nice to the shy nice guy. Grade 8. I stopped talking in school because it was "safe" everyone was nice to me. Grade 10-11 I seeked therapy, and was capable of talking to people in school. I don't think the therapy hit the root cause however( because my goal was to be able to talk, not realizing I was avoidant at the time), that's why I'm trying shadow work, and I know writing this down isn't shadow work. I am trying to put my past into a box, so I can understand it more clearly. I do not mean to make myself look like a victim, I am lucky to have parents that love me, I am lucky to have a sister who keeps me from being socially unaware, I am lucky to have stumbled upon self-development because I was a loner at around grade 10. I found physics, and now i'm pursuing it because I got all this time alone to think. UPDATE LATER IN DAY I probably shouldn't attempt to do shadow work with the intention of anything. I should only do it when I see fit. I will jsut do holotropic breathing

TOPIC: PLAY watching animals play makes me very happy, not too sure why. What is playing? playing is stess free , fun, and has freedom. What makes my life not "playing" I "have" to study. How do I want to live my life? I think the biggest thing, not really sure what will happen, is socializing more. The only times I socialize is when i'm lonely, afterwards I just don't want to socialize. I think it is a waste of time, I usually want to focus on more important things. Alright meditation now

GOAL: Setting up for shadow work- I realized after many months of the same thoughts repeating itself that I am a goldfish. I forget them, then I find it out again, then I forget them, then I. Today, I woke up, walked to the beach like every weekend, bought starbucks, then I saw lots of dogs and some babies. They are so cute, really reminded me of how it was like a kid, they just run into the ocean, and just live, they run after me if I eat my bacon egg sandwhich in front of them( I learnt from my past mistakes ) Next time a dog touches me, I will pet him/her. I thought about shadow work, I think I victimized myself with yesterdays post, I was trying to find out things about myself. With shadow work the thing I forgot ,was that i'm supposed to start with accepting/loving myself, regardless of what happend. Then I live those moments again in my head, while accepting. I love the person that had turned submissive because people would stop being mean to him. I think when I write down this stuff, it sounds much worse then it is in my head, because I can give dis boy luv in my head. Something that I had forgotten for quite a long time was yesterdays first paragraph. That feeling, I can still emulate, it helps me with stress, and happiness. Makes me feel fine about probably failing a class this semester.

I have been thinking about meaning in my life, so I watched leo's video on purpose, he told me to realize that meaning is subjective. It reminded me of a experience I had last year where I was stressed out about keeping my grades up to get into university. I realized it would be okay even if I failed, even if I became homeless, no matter where I go, life will always be good. Surrendering myself to the meaningless of life and realizing that I can do whatever I want. GOAL: understand goals, understand what it is I want i've been struggling to keep up in university, and I have been focusing on making the process about learning, and not about the grades. All in the hopes of realizing my dream of being capable of doing physics, and make discoveries about the world that i've had since grade 10, now first year uni. I have been failing to succeed, possibly even failing some courses this semester. I feel like I have no talent in physics even though I enjoy it when I'm making progress in my problems. I don't enjoy it when I spend hours on a problem and am getting nowhere, with other homework to do too. Last semester I worked consistently on homework, except I could not study for tests possibly due to anxiety. So it appears like I could go on with my story forever, which I won't, I have 2 options 1. I have been contemplating maybe taking a year off, do what leo is talking about in his purpose video and realize that purpose is subjective in more depth. Maybe doing his life purpose course, maybe fix my studying habits too 2. I can continue trying to improve my studying habits I watch too much videos online(several hours a day), never am able to study in my room, only in the library or elsewhere there have been times where, because I have no close friends, I feel down and have trouble motivating myself , when I do have lots of social activities going on I end up not wanting to go (topic for another time) When i'm not being pressured into doing homework, such as I have a week to do it, I usually tend to procrastinate on those days which is usually around like 1 day a week(MONDAYS)

How will this journal keep me proactive? Being proactive constantly will help me identify solutions to problems in my life faster I will constantly be asking questions and attempting to answer them, and looking for what I can improve in specific areas in my life. I want to avoid victimizing myself too much, I want to know that I am already enough and there's nothing wrong with me