Proactive

I think it's best to have a certain amount of pressure. In order to get into the zone while doing the test. So it really depends on how you are feeling. If you are feeling over-confident; place some doubt. If you are feeling too scared; remind yourself it's not the end of the world.

One thing I noticed today is that I'm not a kid anymore. I don't look cute anymore . use to use it to my advantage. So some of the habits are still here. But their effects don't work. My old ways of attracting attention look kinda weird now that I'm an adult. There are situations such as being in a group; then the group members start talking to each other and I feel left out. A normel person would join them. Instead; I am reminded how I am a loner; and I feel bad and yeah. One thing I did that was kinda different and something I never planned to do was participate in class. I think I answered the most questions in class today; even though they were soooooooooooooo off because I misunderstood every single question.(not paying enough attention or something). This is what i'm afraid of by ansewring questions; and I should be aware that it doesn't even feel that bad. Who cares if I look stupid? I looked really stupid. lol. I think I should do more of it. I chose to answer all the easy questions my prof had asked. As I get more and more confident. And care less about looking stupid; I should aim to answer all the questions. The reason I answered questions cuz nobody answers them. Summary of things to be conscious aboot Catch my thoughts about my identity being a loner; and just be aware of them. Take more risks in class; be okay with answering a question that you think you'll get wrong. These past 2 days I started not caring about what people think more. I do actual things that prove it like starting a conversation, participating in class, ect. Rather than just feeling that I don't care about what people think. While walking. So thats good thats good.

Howdy fellas! This is just some contemplation to discover more about me with regards to socializing. So in high-school I stopped talking to people in school from gr 8-10. I remember myself thinking that people are nice to me. Sure I don't get close to people; but atleast they won't hurt me as long as I look normal. I started talking to some psychologists and I worked on my anxiety, and really challenged myself until gr 12. Where my priority shifted to school. Now here I am. Idk if I just suck at talking because of lack of experience. Or is it just because i'm afraid. I worked at sales job during the summer and I was good at it. I worked on things like volume; and everything. First year I would force myself to go to a few clubs even when I didnt feel like it. I talked, and acted like a normel person for a bit. However as time went on; my priority shifted back to school and I would tell myself that I have lots of homework to do instead of socializing. Fear stops me a lot. My confidence with regards to socializing is deteriorating once again. So right now I'm in a feedback loop that I just realized i've been working on getting rid of. Essentially it's I feel bad because I have no friends(which makes me feel different from everyone else). This deteriorates my confidence. Thus it's even harder to make friends. I've been working on getting rid of that feeling by focusing on not judging/having no identity, and it's been pretty good. I'm relatively happy. So basically I created this post to ask why am I so bad at socializing. Why do I care? It makes my social interactions unpleasant. Why is it unpleasant I have difficulty knowing when to speak;and what to say. I then judge their facial expressions and assume some stuff. I then iscolate myself from them becuase of these judgements like they don't like me. - Which i've actually been working on The other aspect is I have a lot of fear, especially when there's more than 1 person. Now conquering fear, the way that I use to do it was going slow. Gradually exposing myself to more, and more scary situation. Eventually you get sum good momentum. The other technique I've never used. But can be useful when I have difficulty finding activities to go to and such is visualization. One day i''m gonna write my fears here. I'm gonna aim to do them. I can easily interact with strangers. But I can't make friends. I can't interact with groups of people. How much of my socializing skill is due to fear? Due to lack of social skills? Due to my natural personality? I remember someone once left a comment here saying that essentially following your passion will make me more confident. And that's a good start. I probably won't directly challenge my anxiety too much as that is too time consuming. So I can't directly face my fears. I gotta find other less time consuming things.

Heyyyyyyyyyyyy, it's me How'd you do on your physics homework you ask? Well, since your so eager to know; I almost finished it. But that actually doesn't matter, what matters is that I really focused on it, and got into the zone while working on it a couple of times. My goals should be entirely internal and on things I can control. So here's a reminder to myself, I've been resisting the fact that life has no meaning in a way. This is because having meaning makes me feel energized, and motivated. This only made my life feel more meaningless and depressing. Just sit down and accept whatever it is, that's generating that meaninglessness. BTW I only watched like 10mins of leos video on the meaning of life and couldn't bear to continue watching, because it's wrong, the real answer to the meaning of life is actually 42. Maybe i'll calculate it on one of these posts someday Honestly though, there's a concept I learnt from a rsd video recently where they talk about Maximizing engagement but minimizing attachment. I think that is a very good way to live life. That's what i'm aiming for hehehehe. Recap of all the main goals i've made and the steps on how to accomplish these goals Getting friends improve social skills getting a job will allow for a constant source of interacting and improving social skills don't judge, my judgement about things like body language is particularly bad because of how focused I am on them it'll ruin your mood if it's a bad judgement upon yourself. Be vulnerable Contemplate about the fact that I'm afraid of making friends because i'm scared they'll hurt me Removing addiction I think there's currently nothing that can make me forget about the world faster than video games. That's sometimes good if you are too stressed. Or in too much pain. At the same time; it is a source of pain if I end up playing too much. If I let this take over my life. Then my life in reality will be non-existant; and possibly even disable my ability to play video-games due to financial shit. This is a decision I need to make with regards to what world matters the most. See figure 1.1 -I STOPPED CONTEMPLATION AFTER HERE. HOPEFULLY WILL CONTINUE ANOTHER DAY The emphasis I have been putting on focusing on the process has not helped with this goal Becoming a magician(physicist just different words lol) FIGURE 1.1) Decision about which world I want to live in. From a young age, I did not want to be part of this world because I was not accepted into most social environments. Even my goal of being a physicist is being influenced. I was hoping that physics would allow me to escape reality as well, I saw documentaries about the world that physicists see. I saw a super high skill ceiling and interesting game that I could dedicate my life to. Now which world is better? Which world will yield maximal engagement and least attachment? So video games does give me max engage + least attach; however I do have to live in this world, atleast sort of. I could live my life in a boring, but not painful factory for as few hours neeeded to survive. Then come home and escape reality. This option is not good because it's hard to sustain this lifestyle VIDEO GAME WORLD deterioration of health fun, easy route The gap between rich and poor is going to get larger, meaning i'll have to work harder to survive than now. A.I can take over my job Real world Life will be bad for now. There's nothing that's as fun as video games. It'll be unbearable. So the ultimate decision is to remain in this world. Uninstall all my games. On thursdays I'll install them back on and play. After i'm done for the day I will uninstall all my game.Youtube,netflix,twitch,ect is blocked on MONDAYS-WEDNSDAYS(except educational content). As I've said in one of my posts about how i'm gonna do shit, during the beginning, when pressure is low is when we apply pressure onto ourselves. The only entertainment I will have for these days are books,contemplation,music,meditation, and creating art. If I don't do what i'm saying I will do, i'll take a 20$ bill and rip it up, or do something humiliating. Then I will take a picture of it and show my mom that i'm wasting her money without telling her about this thing i'm doing. If I do as my schedule as stated. I will buy myself coffee on saturday and sundays. If I DO THIS 3 TIMES. I can choose to double the amount I rip or add on a more difficult socially humiliating stuff. And i'll obviously post the ripped paper on here, or record myself doing that. ------- A somewhat painful punishment is I could sit on the grass by the school where a lot of people hang out. Take off my backpack. Ask someone on the side to secretly film me. Do a front flip in the field. Then just sit there for 5 minutes. Meditating with the pose. I will not speak to anyone. If anyones got any good punishments or rewards I can give myself. My weaknesses are talking to people, and joining groups. So I won't do anything too harsh with respect to that.

I use to get dizzy reading journals as well. The secret is to stop shaking my head while reading. @Good-boy

@Gabriel Antonio I may start making some youtube videos in the future and I know exactly what my intro will be hehehehe. Here's a video that shows what a heroes journey looks like ish. Where they sacrifice everything in order to acheive their goal. If I have this perspective of what i'm doing is honorable; I would feel much more fulfuilled and motivated. Further contemplation required

So I couldn't finish my physics asn; so I consider my weekend a fail becasue I spent so much time playing video games. I've been feeling apathy lately. I have not been enjoying school because I "have to " do homework. Feels like I don't have enough time because video games makes time fly so fast. If I want to survive, I can't just work 3-5 hours a day. I have to dedicate atleast like 5-8 hours of work a day.In order to stop gaming. I need a life where I am really excited and happy. Here's what i'll try. Unfortunately. I have classes that end at 9:30pm. So on those days i'll try to sleep at 10:30. If I take melatonin; I can wake up earlier. 6:00 am is the goal for now. Really though; I should be getting 4 hours of free time before a class. Here's where i'll get in the zone every morning and just do work. We can atleast get the 2-3 hours of work done there as well as meditation. This start that I use to do makes me happy because I feel productive. From there I may go to the library; or head to class depending on the day. I will start a hobby of art. I will draw; write poems; whatever feels cool. When I feel tired and wanna take a long break. I will share it on this or maybe a new journal possibly? Think about the universe whatever. Now if I feel like i'm making a difference in the world or explore reality in some way. I get a lot happier and can cope with being alone for a really long time. I WILL DEDICATE 1 HOUR A DAY to creating something that may help humanity, or thinking about ideas I could try regardless of how much homework I have, or if I'm gonna fail a test. regardless of how tired I am or whatever! If i'm feeling lonely; do something about it by creating something. Now I have a cue for my habit when I come home from school. I put my backpack on the floor. Open up the computer and go on youtube. Then that may spiral onto playing video games. I cannot count on uninstalling because i've done that plenty of times. By doing this; not only will I be quite happy long, and short term theoretically. But hours won't go by without me noticing. I can gain control of my time. 16 hours can seem really short. Now i've said a bunch of things that i'm going to do. I'm doing these things in order to feel a certain way. Mornings. Feel productive happy; and excited to conquer the day Evenings feel like i'm a part of society. Fight off lonliness; while attempting to maximize productivity Nights - Honestly just chill from here since i'm making my nights shorter. Decompress; watch videos. By this time I should be too tired to feel like playing video games. There will be times where my course load is insane(like next semester). We will try to move back the dinner time. Or go to sleep even earlier. to future proactive if you still need to improve. Do like 30minutes where you just review what you learnt for the day or look at the impossible problem to allow your subconscious mind to do some work while your asleep NOW AM I GOING TO FUCKING DO THIS OR WHAT good night time to sleep ATTEMPT #2 - finish physics assignment

So yesterday I felt quite hopeless; I was kinda hoping for a solution that does not require me to face my fears. I went back home and played an entire day of video games. Something for future contemplation is my meditation session quality is usually directly associated with how my days go. Correlation or causation? What I gotta do is slowly ease into society. One small step at a time. There is another problem here; a lot of times the goal of being social. Having friends, having a support system contradicts my goal of being a "physicist". The solution here is to get physics friends. I don't think I need a grill. I just need a support system. It's not about having friends. It's about having the correct friends. That's why I always found friends to be limiting when I was younger. What would make me happy is having some homework friends. I don't mind going out and doing some new activity every once in a while with friends; but if the activities are way too often I would think it's a "waste of time". Having a grill that fits me would be nice. But my goal is to get a support system that works for me. I notice my conversations are always shallow; a lot of the times I'm just asking questions just to get rid of the awkward silence.I should be talking about things I am interested in( some may find me interesting; others not). What I need is not conversations though. How to get a support system? Give to people, they will feel the need to give back Be careful to not expecting something back. Give because you like to. Give because you love them. Show thy true self. I think I may have some trust issues. Which is caused by my past. I will need to go over this eventually I will first have to know my true self Once I know him. I may be ashamed of some stuff and try to hide it. Thinking that I will not be accepted if they knew this How do you share this stuff? Self-love? Again? I think I am kinda walking away from self-love. It is important It has helped me through some really rough times. Maybe my definition of self-love is incorrect.(refer to figure 1.1) Self-love is not everything. Self-love + taking action is what I should be doing. A really good place to do this is over the internet playing games. I am still shy talking over the microphone. The things I shoud be talking about is not what is going on in the game. Sometimes people joke around and yeah. obviously video games are bad for my "physicist" goal. I will limit myself to 1 day of gaming(thursdays). A JOB I created a resume; but I need to actively look for a job. Put more effort in. During this job. There is a chance. Being in an environment where I talk. Will make me less awkward; thus friendships can bloom easier. 1.1 What is self-love self-love is the unconditional acceptance of oneself. So If I were to have total self-love. I should be fine as a loner. I should be fine as whatever. But I am a social animal and I enjoy social contact. I cannot deny that it feels nicer to be accepted; then iscolated. If I were to just accept i'm a loner. Then I'll never be able to get social(which is something I want). Then I may start denying that I want friends; I am FINE ALONE OK. Random breakaway If I were out of school and was just able to go create my projects that help humanity. I could neglect needing this; because I have my projects. Everything feels okay. BUT that is not what i'm doing right now. So going down this train of thought would lead me to decide if going to school is correct. I would say it isn't that bad of a choice because I use the concepts I learn in school onto my projects. There is also a external motivation that I currently cannot replicate. School may not guarentee a job; but it improves my chances and widens the amount of jobs I can do. what I will be doing summary.(3 days) - If I finish my physics assignment early. I will reward myself with video games with my fixed microphone I Will actively look for a job write a cover letter for starbuck jobs I will fix my microphone on my computer I will realize self-love is not the sole solution to everything. I will need to work really hard on my physics assignment cuz its hard I need to remember that I am living in the game of life because school makes me feel like I HAVE TO FINISH MY ASSIGNMENT. does not feel good having my freedom taken away even though it is my choice to go to school (BONUS POINT) - FINISH ASN 2

GRILLS PART 1 So I feel the pain again. This is where my addiction should come in and save the day. I see grills walking around and I want one, I normally play video games to feel better. But I shalt try to not to do it. I shall find a cool solution. It needs to make me feel good. this includes things like Going out for a walk and detach meditate learning something NEW buy a grill in order to buy a grill I need to go into a store Then I need to approach the grill with no cash or anything Then i'd need gas; I'd need to learn how to use a grill then once I get one, who knows if I still want it there's also a bunch of maintenance I need to do when I see a grill it just makes me feel pain. I think it is important for me to get one. Then would this insecurty fade away? The sad thing is; grills break; and can get stolen. Then your left without a grill again Being needy for a grill makes it harder to get one I think. In order to feel better, my solution is to get a grill. as you can see 2 and 3 contradict each other. I tried self-love for like an hour or 2 but it didn't work. Just sitting there and loving myself was not strong enough. Humour made better(this post). Imma try to just be really grateful for what I have and see if it works. Yes, yes it does so far. Good job proactive

External Read through entire math package; and understand all examples - B Meditate for the second time with focus on the beauty of nature - F Internal Emphasis on self-love -B Emphasis on focus - B So; past 2 days I have not had time to review my big goals in the morning. It's cuz I can't fall asleep at 11:00 and I have class early(but not today). Also I should write out the daily goals into my app incase I forget what the goals are. So yesterday I was told I could not take a course as a co-requisite which was a course I paid for and finished half of it. So in order to cope with the pain; I played some video games. Now I feel it is much easier to start playing. I think the second half improved, but I was actually losing focus after like 4 hours of studying. So I ended up doing not intensive tasks. Which is fine. Keep improving. So just like a workout I will keep pushing until that point. Then maybe i'll get less tired eventually.

I worked as a door-to-door sales person last summer. Sold window washing and exterior cleaning stuff; then I would do the job right after I sold it. The job I worked for was 100% commission based; so it may be different from your job. Company might've been a scam; but I learned a lot. It was 10 hour shifts as well. Might as well just buy my own window washing machine and do it myself lol. <-- possibility for you btw. But you should probably get trained first. I was relatively good at the job. Here are some tips relating to the mindset. Remember the first sales are the hardest. Everyone has their own style of selling so maybe my tips won't be useful for your style. I know someone who was mean to his customers but sold a lot . When starting you'll be given a script. Like hi I'm from company x, and I was wondering if you had a chance to x. As you say it the 90000th time. It is important to still be in the present moment. I think the customers can pick up on it somehow. As you get better; try to start talking to your customers as if they are your friend; be natural. Focus on what you can improve on; such as how your saying your script. Body language. Don't use money as a motivator because some days you'll be lucky and unlucky.(over the long term. Everyone has the same probability so don't blame luck) Your goal should be to help the customer. They will pick up on it, then you'll get a fuck ton of sales. (BONUS) - I had sold window washing services to people that already had clean windows and they were unhappy about it, or sometimes I didn't didn't deliver what I promised. After a year; I feel really bad about it and don't think the money was worth it. Careful not to scam people you may regret it.

wow what a wonderful journal! deep insights. Changed my life. Thank you shin for sharing

HEY WATS UP. MY HOMIES I think I am improving. I've used the new environment to release my gaming addiction(so far I have survived without it for 6 days). I've started meditating again. I study fairly hard. I'm fairly satisfied with the first half of the day. The second half needs improvement. When I get home. I'll go online, make dinner. Watch youtube videos. I'll feel disconnected; and run towards the youtube videos. I think it only makes me more disconnected; and I feel pretty sad. This is supposed to be a break. But it is not. I'll try to stay at school as long as I can. Its good practice since my judgemental mind comes out more often when I am with people. It also makes me feel connected. The library is good for studying. It's just a matter of preparing. However; I should still prepare for both situations. Maybe one day I decide to go home for some reason. The problem is when I come back I feel disconnected. When we come back we should focus on impact, big picture thinking. I do a second meditation session. I could do some contemplation. When I feel ready. I will hit the books again. When i'm eating dinner I have a habit of watching something. From there i'm afraid it'll spiral out of dinner time by a lot. When i'm eating dinner I will not eat it in my room. My desk is for studying and contemplation. Go over the morning vision/journal thing that I am still making. Remind myself of how I should be living. Something I reallly really really miss doing is going out for walks during the night. It provides me with some good connection with nature. In order to make sure I actually do the things I say I am going to do. I will eventually hang up things like morning rituals. Values. Habits i'm breaking(kinda don't know about this one cuz it will remind me of the addiction). Here are the goals I set for today. Ratings(0%,25%,50%,75%,100%) Internal Be aware of the processes of learning - 0% Be focused on calculus and get into the zone -75% External Finish asn 2 - 100% I feel like video games can have a purpose. It is really fun, I also get a chance to talk(if I play the correct game). Really good painkiller(took out my wisdom teeth; but because i'm so focused on the game I don't really feel it). However I must be very very specific with the environment in order to play it. For now; I'm gonna avoid it.

I must say that this app works really well for me after using it the first time. I think it is a good product. I will work my hardest to try to finish it and release it. I need to make a list of features that I must implement before it is usable for normal people.(but I think i'm just gonna use it more before I actually start working on it again.) Saving the file needs to work like microsoft word or notepad. Currently I have to go into my code to change the file i'm reading and writing from. Normal things like ctrl-a and ctrl-s, all these shortcuts should be implemented When a text box is selected . We must center it on the screen fix bug where when I save a file the textbox height gets larger fix other bug where when I create new textbox, underneath. It will enter in a new line. After this I will start looking for people to give feedback. Here's a part of my contemplation from my app that is what one of my goals is. How do I become a master of learning? We must develop habits + techniques I must start experimenting see which type of learning is best for me.

wow. That was faster than I thought for the first time in my life. So I finished my app to the point where it is usable now. I also made a resume. VISION ATTEMPT 1 - BECAREFUL THE CURRENT ENTRY IS DIFFERENT THAN USUAL. These are the 3 things I will try to implement consistently I want flow. I want to explore different cool realities/perspectives I want a calm non-judgemental mind. There are 2 activities; I am looking at in the future. My work life; as well as my other life. I want to make sure that my vision incorporates me being happy in both. Or else the unhappiness from one will spill over onto my other life. other life Here I am. A happy guy for no reason really. My mind is empty. No thoughts; just observations(not judging). Connected with nature. Just the simple simple life. No comparing; I just go through the typical daily chores. Washing dishes,doing laundry, making food,whatevs. Everything is chill. I don't judge myself for having no friends, It's just something I've accepted; but am still open to it if the right moment comes. Life is meaningless so who cares. You'll die. I'll die. But of course i'll die less painfully than you Work life Calmness seeps through me. I close my eyes and I can see the universe; the small and the big( from humanities perspective of course). Everything is so beautiful; I just imagine a white feather slowing falling with the blue sky in the back. Swaying back and forth. Slowly; taking its time. Everything is just so beautiful. I sit in my chair. Attempting to fit in the puzzle piece that humanity has not yet fit in. I try many elegant solutions that are just as beautiful as that feather. Not because I want the correct piece; but because I can see more creative realities/perspectives. I crack open my pencil or computer. 3 hours of 100% of my attention is spent on running this test to see if my perspective was correct.

report of summer break goals. Finish 3 assignments - 5% Finish app to the point where I can use it more comfortably - 75% I will make a way to delete buttons I will change the data structure to a doubly linked list I will meditate every single day(30mins). - 50% 43% FAIL - I think the teacher disliked me. So i'm gonna reflect on how I couldve done better. I shouldve constantly been reflecting on my goals. Seeing what I can do on that day to get closer towards my goals I shouldve made a vision not only for my app but for everything before I started Not play as much games would've helped( however I don't think tackeling it using discipline only is the correct approach.) New semester, new goals. GOALS I have to change my approach to being a successful student. Normally my approach is I make some goals. I make a schedule, I tell myself no gaming. I'm gonna study from this time to this time. As time goes on I play a little bit and because I stopped for a long time. I play a lot. Then the cycle starts playing video games is the quickest way to get into flow. My monkey mind shuts off. I ave 100% focus on this one thing. All other things fade away. This is probably because of the really addicting reward system. I win I gain points to get to a higher rank. I lose points to go to a lower rank. I plan on implementing something like this if I want into my app in the future. My new attempt will really focus on having a vision and interacting with it. NOT making a vision, then leaving it alone. I want to start making goals; but I really need to finish my app first. Right now i'm quite lucky cuz I moved into a new house cheap and my roommate is not here, so I get the entire basement to myself. New environment means a new chance to set habits. My habits should be based around maximum efficiency in my projects + schoolwork. I have to be at my best; I cannot be spending 6+ hours a day online. To do both of these.

@Zigzag Idiot hehe, thats a really interesting exercise. I'll try it out today. @Preety_India Thanks, hopefully the new format of my posts that i'm trying out will still be helpful

hey its me, I just watched endgame and I wanted to spoil it. So the person who dies is. speaking of death. I want to understand death more; this is a topic I have not really explored too much; however I can see that if I am deeply aware of my death/societies death. My drive to do the things I want will increase a lot. I think i'll live a more intense life. note(sacrifice is something I want to think about as well) Currently I want to explore different types of visions. My posts may shift from trying to understand/solve things, to just visions of different types of futures,ect. Not too certain what'll happen though. Death part 1 I don't think there's too much to contemplate with respect to death. I think it is just a matter of fully accepting and being aware that I have a short life. I want to incorporate this into my future morning journal. I want it to include my death,societies death, and humanities death, and maybe more. So here is some homework for myself with respect to death. I would like to go out for a walk and just go into the moment. Then shift my attention onto death. What it feels like. I have done this before; but I think I need practice on this because I don't feel like I truly understand it. Another thing I wanna contemplate on is death of humanity. I wanna figure out how we may die. Imagine the events that'll take place. The impact. What reality will look like after. Vision for app Now I feel like i'm just forcing myself to finish this app. I think I lost my initial vision. So i'll write it down here. I'll focus on this 100%, then afterwards i'll do other stuff. We'll start with myself. Imagine, waking up going through my daily routine. Exercise,meditate, contemplate, then set my goals using my app. You write down the tasks you want to complete; you break them down as much as you can. You see how it all connects within your big goals because all the small things you are doing, are to accomplish this. All inside one file. You use your app to problem solve as well. Breaking down problems into assumptions you are making. By writing it down, you can easily distill the emotion from your problems. As well as being able to get insight onto how i'm problem solving on homework; recording solutions I've tried. Allowing for possible reflection on how i'm problem solving and how I can improve upon it. Now for others. So currently there are many people, who would like to execute on their plans; however do not have the discipline or whatever. Like the people who say they'll do something pretty grand but have trouble executing it(like me). I hope my app can help these people by allowing them to talk about it; break it down. Eventually, they have to do something. Because they've broken down all steps needed. Taking action would be so much easier. Different types of people I see using my app( because I usually have been/am this person). Apparently this society is the most disconnected society of all, and this will be my attempt to make people less disconnected by making these people proactively try to get out of their situation. Someone who wants to get out of a job that they dislike and is unsatisfied with their life. Someone with SA. Someone who has a grand dream they want to achieve.But basically anyone can use it. Now I think i'm making my app sound like something revolutionary ; all i'm trying to do is motivate myself. All it does is it provides a specific format for ideas to be organized in. A place to inquire about stuff. The real work is done by the person themselves(hopefully it does make it easier though). There is so much things that are needed to be done in order to meet the standards of normal apps. If I ever get my app to that standard. I hope to make some youtube videos on how to contemplate for people who have no experience with this stuff. As well as share all the tips I can.

expressing authentic self to others part 2 + shadow work part 1 Now I left off with how do I remove that duality. In my opinion that could be done through contemplating the topic deeply and meditating(just like the answer to everything in life apparently). So i'm gonna learn a bit about shadow work. I've tried some shadow work exercises in the past and I didn't think it was too helpful. So i'm gonna approach it using first principles. what is shadow to me? Shadow is about looking into why my personality is the way it is. How we had to adapt/cope in order to survive in certain environments. What is shadow work to me? Eseentially looking into the past, and somehow fixing the "trauma" inflicted on oneself. How would you fix things that already happend? Things that have already injured oneself? I would call it something like unresolved issues because not all anger will inflict trauma on oneself. Well idk if this will correct everything but I should try to forgive those who harmed me; and attempt to give what I needed at that moment I find self-love is crucial for being able to express your authentic self. So yeah go do that.

8 days until my summer vacation is over. What have I been doing? I've been meditating for 45mins-1hours each day so far. I've also been having a lot of fun playing games because I've been playing with another person. I've gotten stuck trying to make my app work. I've made 0 progress because of a problem and I'm really stuck on which approach I should take out of 2. I haven't been working on it too much Nor have I spent too much time doing calculus I don't feel particularly motivated to do these things because I'm forcing myself to do these things. If I wanna get motivated to make my app I gotta think about how once I finish it. It'll give me a new medium to contemplate and set goals in. I will hopefully eventually release it online and my app could help people think more clearly about their goals. It'll help those in a rut determine how to get out of it. They can then break their goals down to slowly face their fears.(my app is not that special and technically can just be done using a word or this website the only difference really is that it can chain together like 100 goals). Would be kinda interested to see if people are interested in such an app. goal 1 goal 2 goal 3 goal 1.1 anyways. Now I feel a little more motivated. Time to put on some music crack open my laptop and implement it.

expressing authentic self to others part 1 Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii ! I wanna talk about how to improve my social skills. I want my social interactions to be not serious. Not be so stressed. Not be so concerned about others feelings. Not being afraid of saying shit. Why am I so afraid of saying the wrong things? because If I do say the wrong things they will dislike me, they'll get angry at me. What happens when someone has such an opinion about you? they'll iscolate you, they'll be mean to you for the rest of your interactions with this person. Now, this is actually true. If you do say something that conflicts with someones opinion too much they'll dislike you and not want to be around you. Now that I'm older, the way it occurs is in a much more passive form which causes me to be more paranoid. Now what I'm trying to find is the part that is irrational with my fear. The irrational part would be that If I do show my true self; others will very likely dislike me. There are certain environments that do make me feel safe to put my real self out there. There are also the vice-versa. I want to identify them and FUCKING KILL EVERY SINGLE IRRATIONAL BELIEFS. I'm afraid of those who are "equal" in the social hierarchy such as peers Now what I found to be the most helpful is not caring about what people think. I have been kinda working on this for a while. I have improved not caring what strangers think; like random people I see. Because there are just so many people and none of them know me so their opinions about me are invalid. But there are still scenarios such as people who know you. So if I can remove that fear. I can fully be myself. Being conscious of it is a pretty big step. A possibility is that what i'm afraid of is not peoples opinons but that their opinions mean that I am not socially acceptable in society. That it means something bad about me. That I am a horrible person. If the truth is good; then you'll want to validate it and vice-versa. So overall, this is a low self worth sort of problem. A way I can try to solve this problem is by remove the duality of the hierarchy; that oneself is better than another.TO BE CONTINUED NEXT TIME ON

Ok finished my final exam. My next semester starts in about 12 days lol. So what'll I do on my summer vacation? Wanna find a really cool library or something to do work in.Here's my goals for my break. Finish 3 assignments Finish app to the point where I can use it more comfortably I will make a way to delete buttons I will change the data structure to a doubly linked list (BONUS) - make the text that your writing be in the center of the screen. Make arrow keys to allow oneself to navigate through the textboxes without needing to use mouse. I will meditate every single day(30mins). So I think the way I'll be working is I'll work on my app until I get stuck somewhere until I get really fustrated and stuff. I'll procrastinate by doing my calc assignments.

flow part 2: Heyyyyy, this is proactive for actualized.org and in this post i'll be talking about Balancing pressure to obtain flow So in order to be a successful student I must consistently be learning. The way to achieve this is by enjoying it. You can try to push your way through the pain; but i'd rather create a system where I limit the amount of pushing needed. So; the pressure after I finish homework or tests is really low. I'll usually feel like taking a break which is fine( 8 hours max if it's prolefeed). When I do decide to start to work again; the intensity is usually gone because pressure is too low. Whereas right before the test; sometimes, I'll be too pressured, feel overwhelmed. So I feel like when we first start without any pressure, we apply pressure habits. As it goes nearer to the deadlines, we must substitute our pressure habits with relaxing/calming habits. So what I may try to do with my schedule. Is i'll split it in half. If I have a asn due in 7 days; I might do 4 days of pressure schedule, and 3 days of decompressing schedule. Hopefully this will bring me closer towards the middle where flow is. Pressure habits could be things like, setting ambitious goals, recording progress, creating a vision and heading towards it.I will start shifting more towards being in the present moment and being grateful for what I have and enjoying the process. Pressure habits/compression habits is not really about the habits persae; but the mindset I have during the time. It does not necessarily mean I will not be doing a lot of work during decompression Pressure mindset - would be to set a goal, try to push yourself to do the impossible, be who you want to be. decompression mindset - enjoy the moment; enjoy life. Go out for a nature walk; breathe the fresh air. Self acceptance. I do not intend to split up future thinking and present thinking into these two days completely. However there will be leaning towards one side. Flow is all about balance; if I spend 12hours everyday for 7 days a week doing a task. I don't think I'll be able to get into flow because i'm so bored of the task. Maybe another topic to explore for another time.

I've tried something like this before except I was reading my visions/affirmations. I'll definitely try writing it down instead. Flow part 1. So I really enjoy being in flow obviously. I want to make it more likely, or always be in flow when I'm studying. Flow is in between boredom and anxiety. So i've taken notes on this video( there's also a pdf to the notes in the description of his video) There are 4 flow factors FOCUS block out distractions focus exercise( warm up routine before workout) could be 5min walk, meditation, visualization FREEDOM - not being afraid of making mistakes or something like that Let go and trust your own ability Permission timers 10-30min countdown. Where I will not judge my work at all then go into critique mode FEEDBACK - need constant flow of info that allows oneself to know if what they are doing is correct.(CLEAR GOAL) frequent feedback maybe set a timer each hour to see what I should try to do for the next hour. 4% challenge The perfect number is to do something that's 4% higher than my current skill Try to do something 4% faster. Half the time you meet the expectations the other half I don't Also found this kewl image on google Flow to me essentially means all my attention is on one task. No distractions, I'm interested, and there's pressure.

@KarlaI guess what has been happening is that my goals have been changing as I've encountered problems(feeling disconnected/lonely). So here's my tree of goals. I guess my goal would be to be very engaged and excited about what I'm doing in life.(slightly broad) What makes me the most excited currently is being able to model/discover something about the universe/reality using some creative approach A way of improving my chances of doing this is by learning the tools that I am likely to use(physics,compsci) My app which would aid me in problemsolving/making goals once finished while improving my coding skills and a bunch of other things I am also trying to be humble/have no identity/be in the moment/enjoy the journey (been focusing on this one lately) which'll make me a lot happier because I won't judge myself/others as well as improving the speed at which I learn the material.(solves the problem of being disconnected) Will make me less stressed as well Breaking bad habits.(this one I have not focused on too much). Hopefully if I can solve the disconnection issue. The addictions will not longer need to be there.