Kriz

Hey guys, I've been dealing with this problem for a while now and it's becoming crippling in my life. I will try to keep this post short and as positive as possible. I've know about actualized.org(youtube) for about a year now. I've stumbled upon it when I was having a depressive episode in my life which was also a bit caused by procrastination. I've been doing meditation for 30 mins everyday for about 8 months, with a few weeks where i didn't. This year I'm doing my master degree in graphic design and I have done nothing but procrastination, i simply can't help myself. The last couple of month's have been the worst. I basically have all the depression symptoms again and I can't find any joy in life anymore. I feel empty and guilty all the time, like a real piece of garbage. I used to go out every weekend to parties and such but I punished myself to not go out anymore to expect myself to start working for school in the weekends. Now I pretty much isolated myself from social contact and it's really noticeable on my psyche. I haven't started with Leo's Life Purpose course yet, only saw it a couple of days ago on his site. A few years ago I thought I discovered my life purpose. I used to be an electrician and I suddenly made the decision to do something with my life. When I was a kid I used to draw all day long and have a blast with it. Eventually I started Graphic design/illustration in college and for the first time in a long while I felt like I was actually doing something in my life. After a few years in college I experienced these situations for a few times where i worked hard towards a big assignment where i had to start all over in just a few weeks. I eventually struggled through it and barely passed those years but I somehow cracked. After that I really started to procrastinate hard but before I didn't have such a hard time with it. Every time i try to draw or create something I get these emotions and such that are just crippling me. My ego is pretty much talking me out of it every time i try to do it. It is giving me this idea that all the effort is not worth it since i will fail anyway. It's my personality to make something perfect from the first time and the fear for failure and showing everyone around me that I'm not as good as I should be that is stopping me. Ironically now I have jack shit to show and I am showing people I suck and I'm a failure. I have only a couple of months to produce something to pass this year and somewhere deep down I know I can do it. I just know it! But it's this duality inside me that is stopping me and trying to quit before the battle is lost. Many of you have probably been there and I was wondering how some of you have gotten out of this pit and climbed back onto the mountain. I watched Leo's videos about procrastination and how awareness is curative and they helped a bit but not enough for me to get out of this rut. Thanks for reading

My max was a little over 70 days. I stopped it because having wet dreams 2 nights in a row was just awful. Nofap is definitely overrated. But fapping multiple times a day is just a waste of time and energy. Also i've noticed that my lower back starts to hurt when I done it too much. I don't fap that much now or sometimes i quit while doing it. While watching porn I sometimes get the thought of a girl a like in my personal life and then i'm suddenly aware of what i'm watching on the screen. A fake woman that is photoshopped.

I wouldn't really place women in those two categories. The so called nice girl can be a real bitch sometimes. Many of these girls try to give off this sweet impression so everybody doesn't think they are bitches. But as soon as something isn't going to their liking they show their true nature. It's funny sometimes when a nice girl is actually more of a bitch then this tough girl that is actually more sweeter than you would imagine. I personally like the kind of girl that can be rough. Showing her true intentions all of the time and thus also showing her sweet side. Some of the nice girls are not confident enough to show their true intentions to everyone and try to manipulate you to get what they want. Not showing their true intentions makes it hard to actually establish something between you and the person. Thus making it a waste of time since you always need to guess what her intentions actually are. Just be yourself, easiest for everyone.

Oh man you sound too much like myself, minus the girlfriend

Yeah i think that has some truth to it. The problem with that is that i work digitally with a drawing tablet. I hook up my external display to my laptop at home because working on a 15 inch monitor just blows. At school I don't see anyone work, I don't even see my classmates artwork actually. The system at school is just a feedback session every week where you discuss your progress with the teacher. A few years ago my mate came over to my place and we would work on our own creative stuff in the same place. I did get a lot more work done. But that changed since he moved to the city haha.

I felt a little excitement in my belly when i first read this sentence ^^ It's "nice" to hear someone is going through the same thing. I also doubt the value of the degree, especially in arts. I just want to make my parents proud and I know I can do it. Yeah, being able to change your mood seems like a gamechanger. Getting excited about the whole thing would change so much. But sadly I'm still beating myself down about it. I just caught myself saying "Fck I still haven't done anything, I'm such a loser." I need to be more kind to myself. Maybe I need to look in the mirror and say some kind motivating words haha.