NotActualized

Sorry if this has been discussed a lot, I have a very small amount of mental energy due to illness (cfs) so I struggle to keep up with too much reading, but I'm trying The question I want to ask is - When meditating or doing anything really, is the feeling of what we choose to put our awareness on ours? For example I'm sitting down meditating and I decide to put attention on sensations within my hand. Is there anything free about what my awareness focuses on? Was there anything free about changing my focus from lets say my sense of sight (mostly blackness behind my eyelids) to the feelings in my hand? Is that awareness just simply a part of the universe and although it feels like me doing everything, is it really just an illusion that just 'happened' and without an actual 'me' having control over it? And basically, is everything that happens within me and anything else in this universe, running on automatic? Even though there's this illusion that I'm doing it, what I really am is just part of the source of everything? Is that on the right track intellectually anyway?

So just to confirm one more time. The theory here is that every single micro thing that happens in the universe is on Automatic? It sounds logical for my ego and to contemplate it, I'm guessing it's a matter of experiencing whatever 'nothingness' is to see for oneself. But isn't that 'I' that I think is willing myself into things and choosing what to pay attention to just an illusion and there's no real 'I' controlling it, even though it feels real? Or am I real, and I am the thing controlling it?