dystopia

I am aware of this and have already distanced myself from him, emotionally. I'm glad he's moving out in a few months. I want to find better people to surround myself with. It just seems very hard to find them. I'm hoping that as I work on myself I will find like minded people and we can help each other grow. I've found some on this forum but no such luck irl. I hope to someday have a healthier relationship with her. She is my onlyou parent, so I don't have much choice. But I also know I need to distance myself from her. Just having a hard time doing it, right now. No..as much as he hurt me I could not bring myself to hurt him back. Leaving him was the hardest thing I've ever done and he still managed to make me feel guilty about it like I was in the wrong the entire time. Although I know this isn't true. I just hope the next person he is with doesn't fall victim. I can't really do anything about it. I barely got out. Thank you. Don't we all. Good luck to you.

I've been trying to figure that out. I know it's not what I really want. Just some unresolved wound that I carry with me that I need to figure out the root of. That's one reason I've been avoiding getting too involved in relationships, for now. I'm aware of the pattern. I've just yet to fix it. You're right. I was exaggerating because I was mad when I posted this. My mother was also abused so I don't blame her for not knowing how to communicate love towards me. I'm also a bit bitter at how much better she's treated my little brother. Although he got his share of criticism, as well. I think I carried the anger over to my next relationship. Nothing was really resolved. I just ran away. While I still could, I thought. While I was still young and had a chance at a better life. That's all for now.

I'm a 10 moving to 11

I stumbled onto his videos when I first started personal development. I remember he predicted aliens would come to earth in 2015 in one video. I'm still waiting to be abducted ; (

@mandyjw @DizIzMikey @Philip @Evilwave Heddy @Neill Bolton @zasa joey @Emerald Wilkins@FindingPeace If anybody "cares" I made a new thread about my recent insight.

I've gained some new insight since posting this thread. Does a human being have value just for existing? I want to think so but sometimes I think this is just a cop out. This is just positive bullshit thinking people spew out to make themselves feel better about not having accomplished anything other people can use. I went from being dependant on my mother to idolizing my husband and becoming dependant on him. Putting him up on a pedestal for his accomplishments and ignoring myself. After I left him, I went straight to depending on my "good friend", John (the fucking embodiment of the White Knight archetype), and putting him up on a pedestal for spoiling the hell out of me. Which was the polar opposite of what my mom and ex-husband did. Well guess what, he ended up abandoning me too. He found a girlfriend to White Knight and all of a sudden neglected me, completely. Nobody has ever really cared about me. Want to know the truth? Every single person only cares about what they can get from you. My mom never cared, she just patronized and criticized me because she has no self-worth & was also abused. My ex-husband didn't care because he just wanted the perfect, pretty little wife who did as she was told & who he could let out his frustrations on. My friends who left me didn't care. My best friend John didn't care. He just used me because helping me gave him value and made him feel good because he hasn't accomplished shit in his life either. My friend I met on this forum helped give me a lot of insight about my problems. Then he abandoned me and told me he didnt really care & to seek a psychologist because he couldn't help me anymore. At least he had the decency to be honest. I talk to people all the time but they dont really care. The forum, chatting, hobbies, moping around. All of it is just a distraction. It's a distraction from doing the real work I know I can do. It's a distraction from the hollow emptiness and loneliness I feel inside, that comes from putting it off. Unconditional love? What the hell is that? I didn't even get it from my mother. And the agony will never subside. Not until I stop bullshitting myself and actually build the life I want. Maybe then I'll have something to offer and be able to build real relationships. Maybe then I can find someone who really cares. But probably not. So if you're out there feeling like a piece of trash because you haven't done what you have always planned on doing: you're right. You're trash. Now stop it. Do something about it.

True... I really admire your perspective

@Galyna uhm no the point is that people usually want someone to "complete" them but that is not what they should do because they should be complete by themselves...and be with someone because they enrich their life not because they "need" them.

So I got pretty wasted, last night. I wanted to shut off my emotions. I was definitely not in my right mind. I'm a very chatty, flirty, silly drunk. I ended up hanging out with my roommate & his nerdy friend. They are 12 year old adult men lol they are super into building gundam models, it's kind of adorable but hard for me to act impressed when they ramble on about it. Oh & I ended up changing my pic to one of my stupid face lol. Although when everyone left, I found myself feeling intensely lonely. I had a hard time falling asleep, as I was consumed with thoughts of the meaninglessness of existence. I was googling the fastest, most painless, but lethal ways of suicide. Before I fell asleep, I rationalized the thoughts away. I reread some of the posts on this thread & I woke up feeling much better. I started reading a book today called Social Intelligence by Daniel Goleman. Really great, so far. I'm hoping it can give me a better idea of what I feel and why. Thank you. I guess I can be a little judgmental. I try not to be. I have gotten a lot better at trying to see other people's perspective & halt my impulse to criticize (especially because these are things my mother does & it does not do me any favors). So I guess I am a little scared of judgement. In the end, it doesn't matter too much what people think. Everyone views the world in such a different way. Yes to all of these. However, I am also thankful for all these emotions because they can be wonderful. Pain exists to teach you a lesson. It can be a guide. My feeling on my feelings when I am super low. Well... the voice in my head tells me I should know better. That I should get over myself. That I am too sensitive and a drama queen (mostly my mom talking, again). I get this tension in my diaphragm (which is probably what induces the panic) and I feel this enormous sense of guilt & disgust over feeling down. I really need to stop being so hard on myself. I advise this to other people but I often can't do the same. Growing up, my mother placed a lot of responsibility on my shoulders. She was a single parent struggling to raise two kids in a foreign country where she barely spoke the language. My little brother got special treatment since he was young because he had a heart condition (& also because my family is mostly females). I was babysitting him since I was 10 years old & had to grow up quickly. My mother was never home, offered no comfort or emotional support to me. She was either working or off having dysfunctional relationships with men. My brother and I are lucky that she was protective of us, and never allowed those men to bring us harm. Just made me responsible for my brother & subjected us to a lot of arguments. He never even had to do any chores & was spoiled to death. I forgave my mother a long time ago for this. Especially now, going through this personal development work. I understand her better (even though, honestly, I would like to distance myself from her as much as possible... maybe someday I'll be able to help her more than she helped me but I can't handle it now). She did the best she could with what she was taught & that is all anyone can do. I know that deep down, she does love me, and she is not a terrible person. She was also emotionally abused, as a child. I suck at this..I didn't even mean to go on about that but there ya have it. I'm extremely happy that what I'm going through is resonating with so many people like: @zasa joey @SAM B thank you so much for sharing. I appreciate you. You are beautiful and kind and valuable. We can get through this. If you ever need to talk please don't hesitate to message me. I have been dancing around my apt for the past hour listening to The Strokes & The Killers I'm about to go visit my cousin who just had a boob job lol. Have a lovely, stress-free week, everyone!

Its okay to fall down, its okay to vent, its okay to do all those things. Now that they are all done? What can you do to forgive and empower you to take some steps forward for yourself? When I can focus on creative problem solving mode? That is empowering. How can you empower you? I did end up getting drunk because I could not handle being emotional. Oh well. Ok guys let's get positive. I am not just feeling depressed. I honestly love myself. I think I am so beautiful and I think everyone is so beautiful and I love everyone. I have lots of things to be grateful for. I am glad in a way that I got fired because it kind of kicks me in the ass. It reminds me that I want to find ways to make money doing the things that I love. I don't want to do menial work for the rest of my life. Even though I still have a tiring job, this opens up a bit of my time to pursue what I really want out of life. I want the freedom to pursue my creativity when I want to. That is one reason I did not want to be constricted by school or fit into some box that was already laid out for me. I am going to get there no matter what. This whole thing was just a small hiccup in my eternal existence. That is all for now..

@PhilipOk my heart is pounding. I am going to try something. I'm going to write out every possible thing I'm feeling without labeling it good or bad. I'm really forcing myself to sit here because I feel like running away and distracting myself, as usual. I am feeling.... immensely attracted to you for all this. fuck it. judge me. Where can I find guys like you, seriously, they only exist on the internet. I think I'm just being idealistic again but that is a labeling let me stop. If only I could get my rationality to shut the fuck up for a minute. I am feeling.... alone, unappreciated, vulnerable, worthless. I am feeling resentment towards my mother and my roommate/friend, and my idiot boss who fired me. I am feeling.... a little hopeless. and just like deeply fucking sad. My head is starting to hurt and it's hard to swallow. There's this choked up feeling in the back of my throat. I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of living to be honest. Like I want to just fucking cease existing. I want to feel nothing. I am absolutely hating this. I am feeling.....like a failure, like a waste of space, like I waste too much time. Like I have potential but I will never reach it because I am a coward. Ok how the fuck do you describe emotion, anyways? I'm just really annoyed. I can't do this. Any suggestions?

@Philip You are right. I am just so bad with my emotions. Probably the reason why people tell me I'm a "drama queen" when I do exhibit passion over something is because I am normally pretty closed up. I am pretty laid back...but people don't know that I am actually extremely sensitive. I hide it well, with my cool exterior. I don't often exhibit a lot of expression or emotion.... even when I have a deep emotional reaction to something I immediately rationalize it. This goes back to the way my mother has belittled & guilted me whenever I do display emotion. I'm an INTP so my primary mode is introverted thinking. As a result, I often dismiss, suppress (etc) my emotions until they build up and cause me to either explode, break down, or have a massive panic attack (when it's the most physical...usually the most intense feelings). My anxiety attacks where kept in check for over a year because I got so good at numbing myself (this goes back to when I was dependent on alcohol..that certainly helped numb me). I had a panic attack the night I started this thread, then another one when I went to my chiropractor yesterday (it continued as I was trying to reply on here), and now again trying to describe my emotions I am starting to feel another panic attack coming on. My breathing grows heavy and laborious... my palms get clammy, my heart pounds fast. I start to get this feeling of doom, as if something is about to go terribly wrong, or I'm about to have a heart attack, or stop breathing & die. When it escalates, sitting still becomes uncomfortable. My thoughts become foggy and I seriously feel as if I am losing my fucking mind. I struggle to cling to my rationality.... and deep down I just want to scream and let my anger out and cry. The worst is when my breathing becomes so erratic that my arms literally start losing sensation. My fingers become tingly and my face feels numb. I start to really freak out and think I might die. My stomach is in knots...there is this heavily feeling in it, accompanied by nausea. I feel my abdominal muscle contract and I have to keep reminding myself to take deep breaths into my belly. My body shakes with each deep inhale. Again, it becomes more and more uncomfortable to sit still and (I often do this) I get up and pace around... running my hands through my hair... touching my face to make sure I still exist & reminding myself that it's ok & it will pass.... wiggling my arms to try and regain the blood flow. I usually do end up freaking out over the situation and the tears come...I have bursts of maniacal laughter and moments of bending over and silently screaming. The symptoms are progressing as I type this. This is seriously frustrating. Now I'm crying because I don't knw why I get like this every fucking time I have to face my emotions. I really want to but I can't get over the physical symptoms and the anger and frustration. I'll try again in a moment..maybe I can break it down. I need a moment.

@mandyjw I gotta say, I don't disagree with you. I really hope she leaves him but she is way too messed up & dependent & low self esteem blah blah. I wish he would find someone better but he doesn't want the best for him either, so I stopped caring. He is moving out of here soon to move in with her. I definitely don't trust or care about him as much as I used to so all I can do is wish him the best. I definitely want better for myself & I don't plan on continuing our sexual relationship either after the last time.

@mandyjw I don't have romantic feelings towards him. Sex is just sex. I have known him for many years and consider him my closest friend. I just expect him to be more considerate of me because he knows I am going through a tough time but he acts as if everything is great. I just don't feel like I can trust him as much, anymore. Therefore, the sex stuff makes me feel a little used because he's so inconsiderate he's not even concerned about getting me off (like he used to be). It's deeper than the physical. Like I said, I wish I cared more about his gf's feelings & wanted to stop him from cheating on her but I just don't. I tried telling her (through text, as she actively avoids seeing me) but she is a total bitch towards me & still chooses to stay with him so her feelings are not my problem. She's totally weird anyways, she's recently convinced herself that she wants to be a boy now. Not because she is uncomfortable with her genitals she just wants to dress like one & shit because she's obsessed with cosplay & anime conventions and lives in a fucking fantasy land. She's an idiot. She is way too immature (she is 23, he is 32 & divorced) I wish he would find someone that had more to offer him, I thought he was an intelligent guy. I don't know what they see in each other but they deserve each other, I guess.

@Nomad yout should let people private message you can you change your settings? This is important information. I don't think I've ever seen anyone else on this thread (or Leo) talking about the subselves. You're the first one to tell me about it & it makes so much sense. Thanks for the reminder.