dystopia

I was reluctant to post this but since I'm learning to be more open & not fear what people think, I will. What better place to post this than on a forum dedicated to actualization? My earliest memory of sketching was around age 6, in Brazil. Back then, I didn't have magazines to look at, I just always "knew" I wanted to be a fashion designer. When my cousin and I were 12, we would talk about going into design together. When I was a teenager, though, I got really into music. I played the violin, at school, from fourth to seventh grade. I switched to chorus, after that. I remember seeing my first band live at 14 (The Blood Brothers). They were my favorite band at the time and I was surprised at the passion I exuded while watching them play. I was very introverted & shy, so it was out of character for me to react to something so freely. I always feel the need to justify my depression and anxiety so: I grew up poor with a single, immigrant mother working two jobs to support my little brother and I. We were usually home alone. I was babysitting him by the time I was 10. When she was around she was emotionally and physically abusive towards me. Meanwhile, my little brother got special treatment (he was never even made to do chores, as she would insist it was a women's job). I always felt like she resented me for being born, or something. Anyways, I suffered from severe depression and anxiety for most of my life. I felt everything was pointless and I dropped out of school at 16 (never developed much ambition from lack of support), so I could work to help pay bills. I ran away with a guy at 17 and got married at 18. He ended up being abusive towards me, as well but that's another story. When I left him for good, I felt hopeful for the future for the first time, in awhile. My love of music and fashion grew stronger and was my biggest escape from reality. I was 23 and started going clubbing, for the first time with my cousin (who btw never pursued her dream either, had also recently gotten divorced, and now had two children (the older one is autistic)). I loved going clubbing, at first. The attention from guys was only a bonus. I wanted to live on the dance floor. I adored hearing the loud music and feeling the rythym course through me. I could get lost and forget all my cares. I figured everyone feels this way (why else would they be there?). It also got me fantasizing about the possibility of becoming a DJ. Another sad part (lol) I ended up dating a guy who was an alcoholic and our relationship became based around drinking and smoking. I lost another 2 years of my life to my addiction. I would work, come home exhausted, drink, watch music videos, black out, wake up at 3am (thirsty as hell), roll around uncomfortably for 2 hours, wake up feeling miserable, repeat. For two fricken years. The good news is, I am no longer drinking or smoking. Thanks (in large part to) Leo and other actualized folk, I feel more optimistic and clear-headed than ever! I'm practicing yoga, cleaning up my diet, and honing my sewing skills. My biggest desire, right now, is to get out of my crappy job through making money selling my clothes on Etsy (or something). However, I still have that urge in the back of my mind, that music is my true passion. I'm just not as into fashion as I used to be. But I am not sure because I have never actually tried producing anything. I just listen to it nonstop. The closest I've gotten was (not the same thing but) playing with a DJ turntables, at a friend's friend's house (that was exciting, I didn't want to go home). Actualized forum community, what should I do? TL;DR I feel I've lost my chance at pursuing music and think I should go for something more "realistic". I have always wanted to be a fashion designer and that seems safer, somehow? But I think my passion is stronger with music. I'm 26 now and feeling that urgency to decide this & seriously pursue one before I'm 30. I also feel like there are so many kids, 10 years my junior, with so much talent, putting out mixtapes online, so it's becoming an over saturated field & harder to make money in? What chance do I have. Also, you hardly ever hear about female producers making it big. I don't want to just be a singer, I want to be a producer, as well. I also don't care about fame I just want to be able to live my passion and make a decent amount of money off it and travel the world! I'm used to being poor (lol) even though I sometimes wish I could afford beautiful designer clothes. Yes, I do suffer from over-analysis paralysis. That is my biggest downfall.

@Cookiesliyr omg I just turned 26 last september not 27 lol dont make me older. Call me superficial but im terrified of losing my youth and beauty. feel your bro lol. Sometimes I'm so exhausted from work that I don't want to do anything and I end up getting mad at myself for wasting even more time. I always feel like I'm running out of time for some reason. I have been forcing myself to do sewing whether I feel like it or not. Even just hemming some pants to make me feel productive. I've definitely considered doing both. It may be possible but I have been wondering if I'm wasting my time with sewing when I should be starting on music. I've heard people say that you should focus on one thing if you want to be extremely good at it, hence my dilemma. I do enjoy sewing but I have never tried producing music, which I think is why I feel like I'm wasting time. I have a hard time being patient. I quit drinking by myself. I guess I tell people that because I'm kind of proud but it was the loneliest journey I have ever had to endure. I am still depressed but I try not to wallow in negativity and I don't take medication. Thanks to the personal development work I feel more and more like I can overcome anything. I just wish I didn't overthink so much. @Leo Gura Probably music but I'm not sure. I've only ever gotten to enjoy the finished work of others. I need to stop being an idiot and actually try producing my own stuff. Then hopefully I can come back and tell you guys. I really enjoy sewing, I get focused and lost in it and don't have to think so much. My biggest issue, liked I said, is I feel this urgency to make money off something so I can quit my tiring job. I think it's more realistic to make money off of unique clothing than music because everyone just downloads everything for free, nowadays. Especially from unknown artists.

@Henri Thank you for your advice. The thing is I don't want more choices. I want to make a decision. I've been trying to decide what to invest myself in for years. I've given up on formal education and decided to pursue my passion but I don't think I can do it all. I've also considered putting my drawing talents to good use and writing comics but I can't figure out where I'll be the happiest. I guess I am impatient because I've let my mental illness and addictions take so much time away from me, already. I'm also desperate to make money some other way because I've been working as a maid since my divorce and its very physically exhausting so it stresses me out & I want to figure out what to focus on asap.

26 Found Leo about a year ago and so glad I did!

@Phrae well, that's why it's called the root, isn't it, sweetheart? Because it's hidden under the soil rather than being readily apparent. Sure, you can be taught steps to faking confidence (which may serve you in the short-term with casual interactions but you may come off superficial ie fake) but developing genuine confidence does require you to find the root cause and understand it. Last night, I had a breakthrough. I was in a terrible mood, wallowing in everything wrong in my life. My bitterness came out when I was speaking to my friend and I said something belittling to him. That sparked an argument. We went for a walk to clear our heads and ended up talking things out. I wanted desperately to forget about everything and go back to my old quick-fix solution: alcohol. My friend refused to enable me. I knew I would regret it, deeply, so I didnt argue. Instead, I was forced to sit with the bad feelings and eventually, something came up for me. Now... the key thing here is my self-development work has helped me think more rationally (less emotionally & impulsive), so I was not trying to argue with him or focus on more superficial issues (which only distracts from the deeper ones). I was in a state of vulnerable, mellow acceptance. I let myself feel defeated. I let myself feel sad. I did not judge myself for it, at that moment. I simply was. After a few minutes, something came out that I had suppressed and not confronted, completely. As I was talking about it, I could feel the pieces coming together. I could tell it was a root cause for some of my worst behavior. In the end, I was grateful my friend and I had that encounter. I felt a weight lift off me (I tend to suppress my emotions, quite a bit, on the daily). My craving for escapism went away because I no longer felt so much turmoil in my reality.

@Pyrrhocorax graculus The first two weeks were the hardest. It gradually got a little easier and now I only think about it every other day or when I'm feeling particularly stressed and wish I could escape everything for a little bit. I was used to drinking massive amounts of liquid (almost) every night, so I find myself drinking 2-3 La Croix cans (sparkling water), 2-4 Zevias (0 cal soda sweetened by stevia) and at least 2 bottles of water throughout the day. I'm having to pee every half hour but it does help placate my oral fixation (I also quit smoking some time before I quit drinking). Last night it was pretty hard and I almost bought some liqour. I figured I could get pretty buzzed off of two shots, since it had been so long & no doubt my tolerance has gone down. I talked some deep issue out with my friend and that helped. The longer I go without drinking, though, the stronger my resolve. I would be most disappointed if I threw all this hard work away in one night. Thanks for asking.

First step is to learn to love yourself unconditionally. Then you'll become your favorite person and your bestie and you will want you to succeed. From there you will develop your hobbies and interests and find your motivation to get your life together. I'm right there with you but I actually kinda had the opposite experience...sort of. I'm 26 and my life is crap because of sex and intimacy (I guess) because I was with an abusive ex-husband so that fucked me up. I'd kind of rather be in your position lol. Then again, I do value the insight & wisdom that my experiences (however unpleasant) have given me. One of them includes: you do not need anybody to make you happy. A healthy relationship (the best kind) is between two people who are independent and happy by themselves but choose to be together not out of neediness, but out of genuine respect, love, and desire.

I've noticed a lot of people say humour doesn't makeep a guy more attractive. I beg to differ. I am 1000% more attracted to a guy who is super funny and can always make me laugh. As long as he knows when to be serious and doesn't use humour as an emotional barrier, then great. I have been with guys who are not funny at all and it was the most boring shit. I'm not currently dating because I'm working on self-love first but I can't wait and I've been thinking about the things that attract me the most. I've decided it's basically a prerequisite for me that a guy is a huge jokester, even a prankster. I honestly can't stand guys that take themselves too seriously. Life should be fun c: I actually really like a guy who is a little overconfident and even full of himself, & love himself a lot as long as he will still have room for me lol we can make room for each other. Basically: humour, intelligence, self-awareness, confidence, self-love, kindness, humility, adventurous, sexually charged, but at the same time laid back, cuddly, clingy, intuitive, independant, stable, good emotional understanding, flexible, tolerant, patient, encouraging, sweet, protective... Uninhibited and fearless. Not afraid to stand out..which I think is what most guys who are afraid of not being masculine or not being whatever are just scared it's not attractive.

It sounds to me like you're just bitter that your attraction to females gives them some sort of "power" over you. I don't think it's healthy to suppress physical desires. What's the point of getting rid of the pleasures in life? You're still human, are you gonna ask how to stop needing sleep, as well? You need to develop a sense of love, not lack or resistance.

Holy crap, what you said about how abused people act describes me so well. I have decided to stay single over the past year and half (so far) because every guy I would date I would start manipulating and testing them so see if they would leave or to see what they would do. I find it "fun" to test people that way. I don't trust anyone. I know I have these issues and that is why I knew it would be healthier to be single until I could develop myself past that behavior. I didn't realize it was common for abused people, though. Tbh that's kind of comforting because it means there is a common pattern that results from this and I can definitely find a way to break it. Thank you for that insight. I was emotionally and physically abused by my mother my entire life, only to run away with a guy, get married to him (at 18 we divorced when I was 23) and (lucky me) he turned out to be abusive too...I basically married the male version of my mother. I agree with you. I do believe that everyone, on any level, can something to teach us. I was way less developed than Leo when I found him and therefore he taught me a lot. It doesn't matter that he is not the highest conciousness possible because he still has a lot to offer to so many people, Teal Swan, as well. As a matter of fact some "masters" tend to have overcome things so far that they almost forget what it feels like to still be struggling at the lower levels so in a way they relate to us less and therefore may not know how to reach us as effectively. Whoever wrote the blog post about the Truth of No Self was probably some amateur but guess what he saved my life because I went from being suicidal and hopeless to the path of conciousness, giving me the courage to leave my husband and take my life back.

@jjer94 never heard of this. What do you mean unable to function in society? So you're saying the average person can't reach full enlightenment if they want to live in society, huh. I've never thought about that. I always thought you could be able to switch to accommodate the people you were around or the situation because it's not like you forget what it's like to be human, right? xp I need to look those people up.

(I only read the title) My view on the ego is this: Since we grow up with the realization that we are a seperate entity from other people and the world around us, we assume that whatever we do must be us. We learn by cause and effect: I did x and got y result therefore I must be x. You use that to build your reality, all the while unaware (which should become common knowledge) that you can create any reality you choose. It is the law of the universe that you can only see what you can confirm to be true, otherwise you would think you're crazy. Most people go about their life according to established social codes and think that as long as they dont stand out and protect themselves, the same as everyone around them does, they'll be fine. People follow a pattern of development of conciousness & you usually have to be taught to succeed to the higher levels. I believe we are all born with a core personality and depending on how stubborn you are naturally, the more resistant you are to challenges to your established belief system. I think the goal is to ultimately be your best self. You don't need to change your core but work on bringing out the best parts to use for your advantage and also build optimism. Once your mind is open you need to learn to live and act from a place of love, never lack.

@Leo Gura have you ever seen a client (or anyone) go from ground zero/super low conciousness to something great? What is the biggest transformation you have witnessed, in your opinion?

Everyone has a default state that they feel comfortable in. Regardless of whether you're temporarily happy or sad, you usually return to your base state of being. Once you start observing what that is, you can work on raising yourself to a higher default vibration. I understand this feeling because I spent many years being depressed, having anxiety, and even being suicidal. I spent so long in a state of constant panic or misery that I would find it odd when I was actually having fun or things were flowing well, for once. You have to remember though: you are responsible for your moods. No one can make you feel any way unless you let them. This was explained in one of Leo's videos...it might have been the Stop Being a Victim one. I highly recommend you watch Leo's How To Stop Being a Victim and then watch How To Master & Control Your Emotions. Those videos really helped me with letting go of the belief that I wasn't fully in control of my happiness. I'm still not at the best place I want to be. However, I feel way better by default compared to how I normally felt a year ago. If you want to be lazy, you let yourself be negative or blah by default, but realize that you can change your default mood, if you want to. It takes effort to be happy. Allow yourself to feel good even when you don't think you deserve to. You are worthy just by being alive. Btw I almost made my sn Michelle Obama now I wish I had lol.

I just stumbled upon her channel and I personally like her (she's really cute and has a soothing voice). I still prefer Leo because he has a no-nonesense approach and some of her videos seem just a little bit loopy. However, there is also some helpful teachings in there, especially if you look past some of the mysticism and go in with an open mind. I found her video on finding your negative imprint very helpful, as well as a few others. I also found her explanation about the Akashic records very interesting... but it deals with a realm (I don't have much experience in) in which things can start to sound a little silly or fantastical.

@Neuroticon what are you working on his biography? Lol

@Leo Gura I saw that you said you eat mostly vegetarian. Are you working on giving up animal products completely? What are your thoughts on raw eating, fruitarianism, and veganism? Do you think it is necessary to purify the body with your diet to achieve the best results in enlightenment (or in life in general)? Also do you know anything about the importance of proper food combinations (such as illustrated in the alkaline/acid balance AAA diet) and have you read or heard of the book The Mucusless Diet Healing System by Professor Arnold Ehret (author of Rational Fasting)? It's a concept that may be considered extreme by most but it makes sense to me (although I'm still working on application). I'm still working on going full vegan, myself. Do you agree that the majority of people eat way more than necessary?

@SaynotoKlaus basically same. I haven't played video games in about 2 years (it kind of helps that I can't really spend money on them..even though I was dying to play Fallout 4). I got into sewing and it's turning into not just a hobby but a possible career path. Anyways I still waste way too much time on tumblr and YT. My only motivation usually is remembering how awful I feel when I waste a day like that. Usually I try to cut myself off after 2 hours (I know that's still a long time but...I think it's best to take it slow). The thing is were surrounded (sometimes even bombarded) with things to waste our time on so it's definitely hard to resist temptation. I think it's better to allow yourself a couple of hours a day rather than deprive yourself completely and feel like you're missing out. But remember that you're potentially missing out on something greater in reality if you don't keep this habit in check. Some of us don't have great lives yet so if looking at some funny things on the Internet sometimes helps stave off depression, there's nothing wrong with that.

Plaaastic she travels the world, blogging, taking photos, &allegedly earns money by street dance performances, and has a killer fashion sense! I wish I had the courage to live like that. Diplo, Skrillex, also in love with Grimes, she's so innovative. I love music too much so I could probably name 100 artists that inspire me in some way. Idk about awakened but Karl Lagerfeld is sick af. I really admire him & his work ethic.

I also tell myself things like that. While I agree it's not something that I advocate (I'm not the most compassionate person) I feel like it is necessary to get through the day, at this point in my life. I didn't have th best ever childhood or many great opportunities. I was abused by both my mom and my ex husband. As much as I don't want to label myself a victim, I can't forget the things that happened and the fact is that they had a negative effect on me, my personality, and my thoughts. I tend to think I'm better than other people because I am terrified of being dominated or shot down by another person or situation and turning into that victim, that I once was, again. I act super confident and use humor and sarcasm to protect myself. Yes, I understand it's not the ideal way to live but I am not ready to get rid of those barriers. I still work at a job I hate (that I can't just quit because the bills don't stop coming and I have to power through the day regardless of how I feel) and have almost no one I can trust, right now. I just have to accept my situation and strive forward, hoping that one day I can drop down my many shields and be open, vulnerable, compassionate, and happy. For now, I'm going to judge these ignorant morons and their petty drama and bullshit. I have gone through so much and I manage to avoid stupid gossip and feeling sorry for myself & complaining 24/7 about problems they themselves create & are too lazy to solve...

That's 4 peeps in FL (that have posted in this thread) myself included.

@Valium warm meal then cold shower lol interesting

@Franz You should try charcoal. I got this charcoal powder toothpaste that's all natural from Amazon. It has lasted me a long time and cleans really well. It even gently whitens your teeth (which you wouldn't think because it's black powder). Vegetable oil is not good for you, man.

@Nick Yeah, I've tried skipping breakfast or eating it late and not eating after a certain time at night. I didn't know there was a name for it. BUT I've found that when I eat less I am more clear headed and have more energy. Digestion is very hard on the body. Have you read anything by Professor Arnold Ehret? I started reading the Mucusless Diet Healing System and its been really eye opening.

Right now I just wake up and look at my phone for half an hour before I convince myself to finally get up. Lol I need a routine. I did successfully build the habit of drinking fruit smoothies for breakfast, though! I'm glad I did but I still eat a lot of crap throughout the day. At least I've been mostly vegetarian except for the occasional chicken and fish (hard to give up sushi!). Plus I'm lactose intolerant so dairy is not an issue (I've read it's terrible because its one of many foods that builds up mucus in your body and clogs it up..) and I've gotten sick of eggs.