beatlemantis

Continuing the study of this experience, I've just realized after reading a short section of The Road Less Traveled that it may have been brought on by a withdrawal of my love and familiarity of neediness. Be it some force outside me or a cultivation of my subconscious, this period transcended me as a means of shedding my lifelong habit of "should's" and "should-not's". It was absolutely critical for this journey, and I believe if I had faced it head-on without seeking solutions to stop my apathy, it would have been a much more swift process. Of course, these are obvious observations, but as I said before, they are absolutely necessary in direct experience (especially for a deeply habitual neurotic). Posting this add-on as a reminder to appreciate whatever whims of depression or indifference hit you - you're shedding something significant for your journey, and you'll figure out what that means for you later. For now - experience it. Thanks for reading. "...The feeling associated with giving up something loved - or at least something that is a part of ourselves and familiar - is depression." - Scott Peck

I'm new to online journaling and don't have much etiquette in the area, so I'll just spill out everything I'm thinking and we'll see how that fits. Tomorrow will mark exactly a month in which I've been plagued by apathetic numbness. For as long as I can remember I've had a laundry list of ambitions and goals for myself - all constantly regenerated and renewed. It definitely was a strong streak of neurosis and incessant, external needs for most of my childhood and adolescence. But as I've discovered more personal development theories and Leo's channel, it shifted to a more emotionally-based, internal to-do list. Last night, I graduated from high school, and a week ago I turned 18. The weeks before those events piled on expectations and excitements of all kind. How I would feel, being the most primary. But as those have come and went, I have felt absolutely nothing. The months before this I was absolutely riveted by life, by spiritual work, by consciousness and my own psyche. I felt immense love for those around me and for the exciting turns of my life to come. I was driven, excited, and abundant in energy. Relationships were rich and full of depth, music was colorful, and I was creating so much towards my life purpose and impending success. But now, I feel hopelessly stuck. I feel no connection to my spirituality and personal development, I feel cold and isolated to the people around me,,, I feel immensely frustrated with myself for letting this come over me. There are huge expectations for me, especially at this time in life, and I was so excited to take up on them for the sake of myself - but now I feel I've dropped everything. I know I should accept, but I have that classic fear of remaining even more stuck. I try to push myself to re-embrace spirituality and my actualization, but it doesn't ignite me as it used to. I feel utterly lost and blocked-in from myself, I don't know what to do - and I would give anything to have an emotional breakthrough - even to cry. I want release so immensely, but I don't know how to open myself up to it again.

@bluesky Haha, I personally see him as the spiritual Tom Segura.

@gleb I'd agree with @AxelK that this is most likely an outcome of the environment of technology at your beck-and-call. Something that has helped me with this issue is completely cleaning out my use of the Internet and of technology in general. No mindless scrolling or viewing - I use YouTube intentionally, for guides and videos that will allow me to prosper and develop myself, and I pretty much never watch TV/films unless it'll be worth my time or is extremely transformative. And when I do - nothing is on the side, just focused watching with a journal nearby for notes and thoughts. This is how I've come around to increase my overall sustainability within a moment and my interaction with some form of media. It's helped me in other areas, and of course, minimizing these distractions while attempting to read or focus in school may help immensely. You've just got to get yourself used to not being able to be stimulated all the time. So when you do, you can truly focus on it. Just my immediate thoughts on the situation, I'd say you're on the right path, minimilizing your life could do you some great justice. Here's Leo's video on that: Good luck!

@Ryan_047 If you think it'll benefit your life, or even if you want to try it out due to pure curiosity - go for it. No "should's" about it, just see if it works for you and it'll be a much better experience than moralizing your viewpoint of it. Of course, this doesn't mean you wouldn't benefit from going without masturbation. If you have some trouble noticing when aspects of your life are negatively impacting you, there's a ton of great things you can do to inquire within yourself (i.e. journaling, self-inquiry, etc.) I think sexuality has immense prospects for self-discovery and self-exploration. We're at similar ages, and I know it's really benefited me in feelings of liberation and connection with others - though that's not exactly necessary for a self-actualized path, it can still bode for some really interesting and impassioned life experiences. Also, just my personal thoughts on the subject... if you find that you wish to stop masturbating - strained, external control over yourself will only lead to a build-up and in my experience, inevitable struggle and "failure". @TJ Reeves has an excellent mention of self-acceptance - that is the way to truly dissolve yourself of any unwanted habits. Leo and plenty of other guides have many videos and resources about this (my recommended are below) You might even already be familiar with these, but can't help to share! I wish you the best, keep us updated, yeah?

@OnceMore You've probably heard concepts similar to this (i.e. being a member of actualized.org), but a huge chunk of your mental distress seems to stem from these "should" statements. I should be committed. I should be fit. I should be socially fluent. I should be feeling more optimistic. I should be showing something for my past years of living. (Leo, of course, has a video directly addressing this:) These rooted beliefs are mostly from social conditioning and your surroundings. I'm sure this is evident to you, because you are terrified of facing your old friends, who are in a similar age range but are doing what you believe you should be doing, but just can't seem to achieve. From the bottom of my heart, and from a purely logical standpoint, I want to communicate to you that there is nothing intrinsically wrong with not being where you think they are in life. There's nothing wrong with feeling stuck, with feeling like you have no motivation or energy to brush your teeth. There's also nothing wrong with wanting to get out of this state. That seems like an over-simplifying statement - but in actuality, any "should" statement is an over-simplification of the complexities of life. (I recommend watching the video if you want to go even deeper into this idea.) Exerting intense willpower and strain to achieve external goals is a habit of neurosis. As someone who grew up in that mindset, and started her actualization journey in that mindset, I'm here to tell you that it is completely unsustainable. I followed that energy for a few months just starting out, and even though I felt I was making great progress - there was a deep, pure authenticity missing. I was doing inquiries, meditations, and studying theories out of pure, incessant dislike of my life and myself. I visualized mere external goals for where the path of actualization would take me. That resulted me in a period of apathy that is probably similar to what you're experiencing now. Not much motivation, not much drive, not even enough energy to do "basic" human things like brushing your teeth or cooking a proper meal. But still - there's that voice inside of you that's telling you what you need to be doing, right? If you're willing, this state that you're in can be the perfect time for you to gradually diminish that voice. Slowly, patiently being aware of it as it appears and how it impacts you will have incredible effects on this state you're in - and has the potential of granting you the most internal, abundant freedom you've ever experienced. If you'd just allow yourself to be this way, damn it! There's plenty of teachings concerning this theory - most are about radical acceptance - that's a great basis of spirituality and needed in this type of developmental work. (I'd also recommend various Matt Kahn videos and his book - if you're interested). But again, if you feel no drive to embark in resources concerning this topic - not doing it is exactly where you need to be right now. Enjoy your state. Notice what you are going through. Give yourself the time and the patience you've been depriving yourself to really transform your life. You're exactly where you need to be, and from here, you can gain an authentic, heartfelt motivation to be kind to yourself in the ways you believe you should - i.e. healthy eating, meaningful work, deep connection, etc. I hope this helped, I wish you the best of luck in your journey.

I had the most intense night of my life a couple days ago - would love to share it if it means someone else can make sense of this state. In my experience of this, my nights would dawn without content. It's usually pretty easy to have a set game-plan for the day, especially on the path to actualization. But during this time - it was the first period of my life in which I felt compelled to do no spiritual work or expand my personal development. I drudged through online forums, videos, articles - anything on what I was feeling. I watched emotionally triggering films and videos - still nothing. I was up until I completely exhausted myself, without that satisfying hit-the-mattress kind of release you'd normally feel before sleeping. The mornings after would feel uninspired, lost, and I apparently only had the energy to watch mindless comedies and do low-brow clerical work. So, a couple of nights ago, after over a month of no answers, no satisfaction, no drive or game-plan - I "slipped". I had completely dissociated from my body, my home - I felt I couldn't achieve solitude. I was sobbing like a maniac but it felt more like wet paint dripping down a thick wall, rather than a tsunami that ends in immense release. It was awfully isolating. I couldn't even feel comfort in my isolation. My tears were cold, small, and unfamiliar. During this time, there is an immense feeling of wanting to run away, which I feel is quite understandable. I mean, if I don't feel I'm getting answers from my usual resources (i.e. actualized.org, spirituality books, meditation, yoga..) then somewhere out there must have an answer for me. I was brought very close to the brink of booking it, but eventually passed out for a couple hours. I woke up very late in the night from a phone call from a close friend, and couldn't go back to sleep after. I couldn't go into work. I booked an appointment with a therapist, and promptly slept my heart out until the afternoon. The therapy session was distant - there was no release, and not much understanding from her side (though, there wasn't much on mine either). I feel I gained more from the journaling session I did for a few hours, which is the point I'm trying to build to here for those going through something similar.. From my understanding, this occurred from an intensely neurotic way of developing an actualized life. My old habits and paradigms constricted my worldview and cramped my acceptance of myself - even though I was doing incredibly heart-centered and conscious work. I relied heavily on the external look of things, giving myself deadlines and placing expectations on some life experiences (i.e. "you have to be perfect and conscious by college"). I can now see that this past month was almost forcing me to accept myself from what I was scared of being (unmotivated, unhealthy eating, cold/distant, stagnant, unimpressed, etc.). It wasn't so much of a step-back as it was a much-needed, 18-year-long sabbatical from my incessant to-do lists. (In the eyes of a neurotic person, these lists mostly serve as an "anything but me" distraction). I'm going to make a bold statement as to say if this is the manner you are developing yourself - it seriously will not last you long. It is not substantial, and it'll break you. But what you take from that break-point can utterly transform you. That leads us to where it's brought me today. Just the day after the disconnected therapy session and the confused, blurred-path outlook on life I've become familiar with. I realize today that a period like this is chance to start from the basics. That's where I'm taking this. Foundational, subconscious mindsets need to be restructured from a place of health and acceptance rather than a place of hatred and neediness. I'm following paths without "should's", I'm being gentle and patient with myself. I'm checking in and inquiring constantly, and I've felt extremely authentic in my needs, internal dialogue, and interpersonal relationships. A neurotic to-do list is not authenticity. If you want to taste the truth of life and live out your values, to live out what is most substantial and significant for your life - forcing it will not get you close to there. I know you've heard this before, but this is a huge shocker to me as a newbie, and an incredibly profound and much-needed direct experience for anyone taking on the self-actualization process or any self-development work. I'm thankful for this confusing, stale, and intensely important experience, and if you are going through something similar - I only hope you can be realize this was your only current necessity.

Completely new way to think about meditation that I hadn't considered before. Thank you, @Prabhaker you've given me a different way to approach things.

@Visitor Thank you for sifting through that post! I appreciate the checklist and encouragement. Lists tend to spark me back into a let's-get-shit-done mindset.

@faithful I've been searching for someone to say something like this for nearly a month. Thank you so much.

@Captain Flint That's killer advice, I'll listen to that on my walk today. I agree on the mediation, it should be unshakable. Thank you!

@Capethaz Maybe. Though I have experienced that before and it's pretty discernible from what I'm experiencing now.

Hi there, I'm a 17-year-old in quite a bit of a stumping moment that would help greatly to hear some input on. I'm on a path to head for college this fall, and I am worried I might stunt my growth if I do not focus years of study into myself now, rather than my career and education. I feel it may distract or stunt my life to go head-on into these things, but then I feel it may be unnecessary to dive into self-actualization all at once since it is a life-long process. Anyway, here's some questions I have in this topic, any thoughts or concepts are appreciated. Thanks! What are your thoughts on taking a hardcore, intensive retreat to study consciousness and self over attending college? What if you seek college to fulfill your life purpose? Would advancing in consciousness enhance the other, or would it only prove to place one "behind the mark" career-wise? Would it be best to focus on a balanced life, without concentrating one or the other? Does this all depend on personal preference, or how much work one needs to do? Or should self-actualization be one's #1 priority, as it spreads throughout all facets in life?

Hi all - recently, I've really started to realize how unhealthy of a relationship I have with food. I've lost 20-30 pounds in the past 6 or so months, all due to a "magic pill" that suppressed my appetite and allowed me to choose more healthy, enriching foods - as I had no craving for anything. Well, one night, I woke up with intense stomach pains after a few weeks of indigestion. After that, I decided I didn't like the dependency I had on the pill, and that these health effects were not worth the pounds I was shedding. So I cut it out of my system. In the days thereafter, I was completely avid with hunger. I snacked like I did before the pill; on chips, cookies, and whathaveyou - and still couldn't seem to be satisfied. And that's pretty much where I'm at right now after finishing a massive meatball sandwich... I know I shouldn't be eating the foods I do. And I know that brute-forcing healthy vegetables and fruits does not last long. I'd rather replace the "I know I should do this" with "I want to be doing this". Guilting is a trap I fall far too easy in. So, my question is: how can I form that sustainable, healthy food habit without brute-force? Would reading nutrition books help? What have you guys done to dedicate yourselves to nutritious eating, without throwing yourself through hoops to do it? I appreciate any feedback on this, thanks so much.

Ding-ding-ding. SO many bells just went off. I'm still settling into this mindset of why's rather than should's. Thanks so much, man.

@Tibor That's a great way of getting at it. I think doing some thorough research would really benefit me and naturally wean me off those foods. I appreciate your input - so good to hear that someone else is successful in this. Thanks!

@egoeimai Good point on the emotional part. I think I definitely need to take note of how it effects me before I get anywhere near the kitchen. Thanks! I'll look for a more positive, accepting route.

Just a quick question to let you guys give your input on... I've shifted my meditation and determination-sit practice towards the early afternoon (rather than post-wake-up) because, for me, grogginess = mediocre meditation. I'm noticing, however, that this derails my mornings. I start my day by writing out my mission statement, doing a "concentration practice" and light yoga. However, without meditating, I feel a heavy state of low-consciousness. I don't feel as sharp and clear-headed - even with the activities I do first thing in the morning. I feel unable to fulfill my mission statement and a level of consciousness/awareness during these hours. So, I'm wondering - what are your morning routines to start a conscious day? Do you allow a shitty meditation session in the morning, and a better one later in the day? Or do you do something completely different? Let me know - I'd love to hear your guys' input. Thanks!

@Elton Awesome insight, El. Thanks so much for your thoughts - the more I think of it, I definitely agree it is priority #1. Appreciate it, more clarity now!

@gleb No problem whatsoever, I have a certain sympathy for your position - I'm glad you found it useful!

Incredible how similar we are. I'm 17 and started this process with Alan Watts in my hand, too. Heading into similar Environmental Science fields, nice to meet ya! We have the same obstacles as well. It's practical to start implementing conscious habits into your life as a start. This is how I've been tipping my toe in the water: cutting the ceaseless haze of clutter, distraction, and media (only keeping what has value to me) consciously meditating during prime hours of the day (important for newbies) positive affirmations healthy food, exercise, and being indulgence in books and media that fascinate you and stimulate healthy ideas purpose (why are you even doing the things listed above? What are you working towards?) Habits, for the most part, should implement in intervals. It may be difficult to balance and ingrain several at once to the point of it collapsing. This is completely dependent on how you function. If you find you are rather easy to adopt a new habit and stick with it, go for it. But don't feel you aren't making progress if your habits take time to develop. So, where do you embark on those less black-and-white areas? You may have a similar struggle in which the areas that you need to zone-in on are not clear. With this, it could be useful to narrow down and "map" where you're weak in with Maslow's Hierarchy. Be certain you have a rigid, permanent foundation in each tier before working towards the next one. This is a great way to start. I recommend dedicating hours of your day until you discover what these areas are for you. I find the only allusive part of self-actualization is sifting out what this means for you specifically, and how this applies to your journey. But also remember and take comfort in knowing that you are not far different from everyone else. Their paths will follow foundationally similar to yours. Viewing your life from an outsider's perspective, or a clear, third-eye will help in this same way. (Another exercise for this: ask yourself, "If I wasn't afraid and I knew I could not fail, who would I be and what would I be doing?" This is great for de-cluttering your brain and picturing your most ideal self.) But also remember that you are constantly changing. You are an endless, un-static being. Your ideal-self today may not be what they are tomorrow. This is where you can simplify your ideals for self-actualization and truth. The more you work at this, the more you'll gain momentum throughout the areas of your life. Your purpose for truth and contribution to the environment will be your drive. Work at these things for that - the world desperately needs you to, and you need you to. It seems you're also struggling with your authentic self. And I know you've been viewing Leo's material for quite some time - but have you viewed his "Understanding The Authentic Self" video? This will shift you in the perspective you need to be more authentic and "you". There are some abstract ideas that you may struggle with, but he compacts it into pretty digestible forms, so you should be good. Allow yourself to take the time to understand what he's communicating. I haven't really dived into neurosis yet, but I'm pretty sure it's carried along the way with healthy habits and the "ideal pyramid". Un-wiring personality traits is tiring and cumbersome, so you may want to focus on these separately. From what I've read, the order of which you go about these is completely up to what you feel is most urgent. Everything will take time and effort. You can short-circuit and go to meditation retreats, or build up to it in a more comfortable process, just remember to stick to your truth, work hard, and allow progress to show in its time Would love an update to see how you're doing, I needed to hear from someone who's in a similar position. I wish you luck!