Gopackgo

This morning when I was meditating, I had this moment where I realized how hilarious my doubts are. I realized that The one creating that is irrelevant. I choose what I am. I choose to be pure awareness. I am the only one who creates my reality. I just busted out laughing. I could feel doubt rising and just cant stop laughing at it. Mara is a joke. I keep laughing every time I feel it trying to rise. It's so funny. How could I ever be anything other than what I want to be? I don't know about all the mystical stuff I have read about, but I know that I have the rest of my life to figure it out. I even know that everything in my life won't be bliss, but its hilarious that I thought this could be taken away from me without surrendering it.

Today During meditation, I got to the point where I had a recurring thought over and over: "Outside of myself there is no knowing." I don't really know what to do with that. I'm going to keep watching it, but what comes to mind is that all reality (knowing of experience) exists inside myself, because that is the logical opposite. I am writing this because recently, when I have posted in this forum, and read responses of others insights, It has sparked insight in me. I have read a lot about non-duality, but I want my conclusion to come from experience as opposed to things I read. I know this seems to contradict what I am doing in posting this, but I am hoping that through relation with all of you, I might open myself up to understanding. I know that likely this has been others experience, and I was hoping to get some other's views of where things went from here. Thank you all for any feedback, you have already helped me so much.

@Vingger I also just bought the book that Leo referred to, "The Psychology of Man's Possible Evolution". If you haven't read it, I highly highly suggest it. It is amazing.

See that's the thing. I kind of realized that I had no conception of what "nothing" really is. I think previously, I always considered it as blank space without even considering it. But it kind of hit me that nothing is just... nothing. It's almost like the word "nothing" shouldn't even be used to describe it. The opposite of true nothing is infinity, which makes sense because there can be nothing outside of knowing. Really I think what may be happening is that I may be making peace with the idea that there is no objective thing outside of awareness. Idk, I'm still working on that, and I'm really trying to stay patient and wait on experience instead of making assumptions. It's really hard not to rationalize or project. Thank you! I think before, my mind was telling me that even if there was something outside knowing, it wouldn't matter because I wouldn't be there to see it. But I think that is inaccurate.

This is a realization that had been kicked around in my mind for a long time. I have a scientific mind. What this means is that I allowed my beliefs to dictate my experience despite assumptions I took as given. I felt superior because ... it's science. One thing I had a lot of trouble with was the idea of no separate world from my awareness i.e. there is a tree over there that is separate from me, and I am over here. I was recently reviewing my sensation and perception notes from undergrad, and I had a realization that is big for me: Lets look at vision. A scientific perspective says that light hits the retinal rod and cone cells, a chemical excitation takes place which is transferred into a chemical and electric signal that travels up the optic nerve to the occipital lobe in the brain where it is rendered into a visual experience. So I realized that even though I never saw this for what it was (a model) I accepted it for truth. But even this model requires the brain to generate my experience. The brain projects reality into a hologram that I was taking for granted. There absolutely cannot be any separation from any image in awareness, because the image perceived is a result of the awareness perceiving it. Everything I see is completely dependent on this projection under a scientific model, but this isn't the experience as it is. This is a belief that keeps me in separation from objects in my awareness and was based on the assumption inherent to the model I accepted. Every sensation including thought works this way. The mind projects all things, and the mind is an object in awareness. Awareness contains it all. If I am awareness, I am the container in which all experience takes place. None of the experiences occurring can be the subject that is containing it (see neti-neti). I have been reminding myself of the inherent limitation of models in every moment. I am not separate from that which I see, I am creating it. This is the only thing that makes sense. It seems obvious. The experience that triggered this for me was noticing the depth of the darkness when I close my eyes and meditate. It is almost like a holodeck with nothing being projected. It is pure unadulterated potential to form experience. Now consider whether or not light is vital in this projection. When we dream, is there any light, or further, any sensation that provides the stimulus for the experiences in the dream? No. Of course not. Therefore, we are fully aware that our brain projects these things even in absence of stimulus. Generally dreams aren't mere memories, they are new experiences. Further, time is distorted in a dream. So time cant be a constant external dimension. It is a sensation like any other. Many psychologists believe that everyone in a dream is a projection of yourself (it would have to be because the awareness of other can only be supplied by your own individual awareness.) So, the question becomes, Is waking reality any different? Can it possible be any different than that? Could we all be a piece of the same awareness, creating a container that is a consensus reality that provides a void for experience to flow through? Is matter required in a dream to make a physical reality? I know my current answer to all of these based on my experience, but I write to show how deceptive models can be. Science = Models, not reality. It is only a working representation that seems to make the most sense, until it is supplanted by a new model. The assumptions we rely on are powerful and arrogant. I am trying to search and destroy via direct experience. A lot of this is vision based, but it extends to everything. If anyone has any thing to add, or any corrections, I am excited to learn them. I would say that this was a pretty big non-dual experience for me, and I am just in wonder that I ever thought differently. The walls continue to fall away as I see what really is and it is awesome.

I tell her that although it may feel that way, in reality we are finally finding ourself.

I've seen most of them. I have transitioned from the enlightenment ones (as well as with the other teachers I watch) and am now focusing on anything that will give me insight into thought processes so I can see them and work on them. My mind is pretty silent at this point, but anything that will make me aware of specific thought processes is invaluable. Leo's channel is maybe the best resource for that on the internet. Any other channels would be appreciated. Also, I am in law school, and it is so valuable for doing this. All we do all day is consider multiple perspectives which most of the time have equal legal justification. Too be honest, I have kind of lost the ability to just make up my mind about them. I prefer to be given a side to argue, and then just argue that. But I think that the experience of the humiliating and humbling experiences of law school, as well as the requirement to constantly switch sides to argue provides such an opportunity to be conscious of my mind processes and also showed me how anxiety works and how ego can fuck me. On top of that, I also have the opportunity to practice concentration meditation for an extra 3-6 hours a day as my teachers lecture. I think this was a huge catalyst for me, and I was starting to fall back into that conflicted state of belief identification, only the new subject was Buddhism. I appreciate all of you because this thread helped get me back on track. I feel as though I am purely objective (in relation to the the legal issues) when I am most silent minded. It's pretty freaking useful. My wife cannot understand how someone can function without thinking. I tell her that assigning language to feelings and instincts in your mind is completely unnecessary until you interact with something/someone that requires it. It actually makes way more sense when you think about it. But she will come along, I just have to keep working on her. Her assumption I believe is that if you don't think once, you never think or something. She also is assuming that letting go of old beliefs and external reality makes you lose some fundamental part of yourself. Everything is still accessible, but for me it just seems pointless to constantly be consumed in them until relevant. It's all good though, if she never wants to pursue it, I still love her deeply and some of the things I have shared with her over the course of my awakening would freak most people out. I just mention this because I see her in pain sometimes, and I am and always have been super empathetic. But it is so difficult to explain some of the things to her. I feel for Leo and Emerald, and respect them for the effort they put in to help people awaken. Both are so practical and applicable, and that is a rarity in regards to enlightenment work.

You didn't screw it up lol. I appreciate you taking the time to type that out for me. My issue is that I have read that so many places, and have wanted it so bad, that I am just resetting a little bit to make sure that I am not adopting any beliefs, and that I am learning via my direct experience. Just going back to basics in terms of how I need to go about better understanding myself. I know that If i am rationalizing things to make it work into a model (even if I really want the model), then I am not leaving myself open to true experience. I got away from being mindful of my thought process, and my thoughts were getting out of control, and something clicked in my mind that made me think: "Why are you trying to force fit things into a model that you are trying to discover through direct experience?" It was one of those moments where I was thinking about all the reasons science had made mistakes, and realized that the scientific oversights I was bashing in my mind where products of the same processes I was using analyze them. More importantly, all that thinking was pulling me out of the moment. It was a good learning experience. There's no need for me to keep up with teachers' experiences, getting to wherever I am supposed to be in terms of learning is the whole point. I need to let awareness guide me and not monkey mind. I am still going to research, but I'm going to do it in a way that doesnt consume me. The best way for me to learn is how I had been before starting to read it all - meditation and being.

@FirstglimpseOMG Yes I have the same experience. I'm saying that inserting a belief puts an idea between awareness and what is. So, I am just wary of inserting a belief based on anything other than what I have experienced first hand. I mean really, what is the self if not a collection of conceptual beliefs that is the middle man between you (awareness) and reality. It projects itself into the reality, or it twists reality based on previously held beliefs. Therefore, trying to measure it by reconciling it with my previous scientific beliefs is counter productive. That naturally happens when I start reading others experiences and I star identifying with those beliefs because I think they are cool, or they fit into my other thoughts. Its really subtle, when it happens to, anytime I start to "want" something to be true, I am asking: who wants it to be true? Because awareness doesn't want, it drives and creates. Honestly it is hard for me to explain.

No bullshit.... I just started watching Leo's rationality video... Not the first time that I experienced an insight that I then hear on his channel. Some of these things are incredibly universal. It gives me goose bumps.

What I am saying is that maybe thinking about what awareness is and what it's limits are is a useless exercise. The best way to know awareness may be to be awareness. If thinking about it creates a sense of what we want to be true, then we are projecting our self onto reality. We rationalize to make the possibilities we like fit. This is how illusion is propagated. If you have had insights/realizations in the past, have you been able to think your way there? Or were they given to you followed by a knowing that some form of old belief is forever changed? I feel like it has been too easy for me to read all of these external experiences about reality, and then try to string together some kind of theory. The only thing driving that could be the self. My mind went quiet immediately after that popped into my head. It's not about the outcome of what reality will, can, or should be, from the perspective of my self, It is about experiencing it directly and not allowing beliefs to control me.

Stay mindful of your thought processes. Are you doing what I did? Are you trying to rationalize or force some kind of progress? The self is a sneaky fucker. The good thing is that every time you catch it read handed, it is a benefit to you as awareness. Thought creates conflict, belief systems create conflict. Even the assertions I just made are creating a conflict. Just be awareness. When you feel conflict, there is a resistance. Resistance comes from self. Awareness just is.

@Emerald see my last post. Thank you. Its all a rationalization. Its me trying to force an idea to be experience. They only thing that would do that is the "I". I may be done reading about all of this for a while. I've gotten too far from direct experience. It is creating conflict in me. The best way to learn about awareness is to be awareness. Every other way of discovering it is a projection or rationalization. It isn't reality as it is. BTW, I watched a few of your videos recently. Thanks for what you are doing. I know it can be a thin line to walk between being productive vs. counterproductive for your viewers. Comparing my new experiences to old beliefs isn't progress. Finding the source of my attachment to them is though. When you get on forums and feel like arguing with someone, it means that you are working from a belief system. Argument is defense of attachment. Basically, I was applying the scientific form of thought to my new experiences to rationalize them. Life is hilarious in that way. Realizations don't work like this for me. They come to me through experience, they aren't a result of logic.

If everything is awareness (the subject), then laws and theories are objects in the same way thoughts are. So maybe the question is: why are we so identified with the formless object occurring within awareness that we feel the need to poke holes in them? Maybe this whole need to poke holes in formerly held beliefs to rationalize them is indicative of a deeper cause of the problem. Can this really be considered progress? I am thinking that we are continuing to need external justification to validate or rebut a belief we held prior to awakening. This could only be born out of attachment to a prior thought, or a need for attachment to new thoughts. I mean... rationalizing is one of the main functions of ego... Just a thought I had today. We are resisting our experience instead of accepting what is in this conversation.

@Mohammad We really are in the same spot. There are a few Rupert Spira videos that talk about awareness in the following way: You cannot focus on awareness. Awareness is what generates the focus, so you never become awareness as an object, but you relax your focus to know awareness (yourself) fully. He has a meditation about allowing your mind to melt into your heart (awareness, not the body part). It like imagining your self dissolving more than anything else. He often asks people, "If I asked you to take a step toward yourself, what would you do". The point is that you arent separate. The one who is thinking is the self. The one that knows knowing, and knows experience is you. Seriously, watch his videos, his explanations are spot on for me to direct my focus within awareness in many ways, and from our limited interaction, I think you would appreciate his explanations fully. I'm sure you understand what I'm saying, but if you are like me, 1000 explanations combined with looking in helps defining what you know that you know, but cant accept for some reason. @Nahm The thing about laws is that they are beliefs right? If the experience of awakening teaches you anything, it is that you can only be limited by the beliefs you hold. This is my intuition in relation to laws as well. Every prejudice and belief that I break allows me to know myself more. This has included replacing of tons of things which I considered to be law already. This makes me hesitant to say that there are rules in this reality that can't be broken. I try to be mindful of myself making assumptions, because we make so many that we don't even realize. But see, I think this is the only "path" involved with awakening - breaking assumptions. That's the mindset I attempt to hold. I mean, objective experimentation is the bedrock of science. That is the great assumption, and scientists go to great lengths to ensure objectivity. Really though, reality is a consensus/subjective reality. This means that science is based on a false assumption. The only objective reality that exists is the overlap between subjective reality, so within that overlap, objective experimentation would be useful for manipulating within that, but not so much within a subjective reality. Super reliance on objectivity is the greatest limitation of science, and also provides it's arrogance. It is the ego of society, which like us has been vital to get to where we are consciously. Paradox.

When you do concentration meditation, it can be helpful to catch your mind wandering, think "aha!", and redirect your attention back to the object. Be happy for the learning experience. This both reinforces the interruption of the thought process, and makes you diligent of wandering happening. It also keeps you positive. Experiences happen as they should, transcending challenges is the purpose. This practice is what helped in my experience, and continues to help. This is why I think an extended practice is ideal, it is the opportunity to catch yourself until you hit absorption. Those day dreams really sneak up on you. Also, I agree with@Guivs . Alternation within a practice was good in my experience, because it helped to quiet the mind or at least redirect my focus from thought so I would have a more productive awareness/ inquiry sesh. I haven't tried very short durations like you explained, but it seems like it may be counter productive in training a longer concentration. Having not tried it though, all I can say is do whatever works for you. Concentration practice is so important. I'm happy Leo put that out there.

@Mohammad Yes I am struggling with this as well. Replacing models with models. The thing is, I think if its based on actual direct experience, it is superior to a model. If it is a clear intuition that keeps recurring, then it is alright to carry in some sense. Also, I have been working on letting myself drop out after an interaction. Like I will talk to someone, and as soon as I walk away, I fall back into awareness. The way around all the matter stuff for me was just realizing that no matter what anyone tells me, there is no model that can change the fact that my mind is in some capacity generating all my sensations into the reality that I am typing in now. and my concept of mind is an object, and awareness is what gives the objects meaning. Even movement is a sensation. I am always in the same place when I separate that as a sensation, so it is more like everything happens inside me, or that experience in the form of objects are flowing through.

@PureExp We are on the same page. The dream analogy really unlocked a lot of barriers for me. Thank you so much. I will keep you informed. @Nahm Well, My dreams have physical laws until i realize I'm dreaming. I feel like the more formed an object is, the more laws apply to it. Also If my purpose is experience, it seems that a reality with some laws would probably facilitate that. If you are talking about how I should be reading for crim law tomorrow... you're right.

Wow. That pic is amazing. Thank you for posting.

@Mohammad The more I contemplate, the more I see all the holes in my models. One thing that i just experienced, is I realized that many times, my memories occur in the third person, like I can feel what was felt (if intense) as well as the presence of awareness but I see the scene as though I am watching it. I like to look at an old picture and ask myself what has been unchanging between then and now. When I relax my focus in meditation, physical objects begin to lose form and my mind becomes clear. If my mind is becoming more clear in meditation, why have I assumed that the"altered consciousness" I experience is some kind of trance that fucks with my vision? If I am more clear, it seems to make sense that I am having a more clear experience of reality. The body must be the same. It is a focused attention of awareness. In the same way, over focus on any one sensation or tension, and my attention becomes even more focused on the sensation's form, at the expense of others. The rising and falling of sensations creates the illusion of time. Maybe this is why anesthesia and drugs alter my experience of time, because they cut off or dull sensation. So I still exist, but I have no frame of reference for time. Maybe when my body dies, I will be in complete relax, and will be formless again. On another note, I was thinking about the particle collider at cern. I was thinking about how they get sub particles, which was kind of weird to me, because all matter has to be made of awareness. But then I remembered, they are measuring the particles... so of course they appear in physical form. I wonder if they have tried any version of the double slit experiment. The smaller they go with atoms, the more they find empty space. It's interesting, I guess in string theory they now think vibrating strings of energy give mass (maybe not, its been a while since I read about it). Another interesting thought I had was a memory of sixth grade science, when my teacher explained that you never actually touch things, interaction with physical objects is just repulsion of forces if I am remembering correctly. So the experience of touching is also illusory. The importance of dispelling these incongruities with scientific models is beginning to fade though. Just a lot of interesting thoughts keep hitting me. A lot of them get replaced later, like a progression is needed to break through my conditioning.

I'm in the process of post awakening. For me that means deconditioning 28 years of belief based living. So I will continue meditating. I love it. What could be better than just being and exploring the breadth of awareness? If enlightenment = being awareness, and awareness is infinite, how can the exploration ever stop? The question suggests an end goal and attachment to outcome. I am awareness, I am now, I exist to experience, so why wouldn't I focus on experience in the most basic way, which also happens to be the way I initially discovered myself? How can I really know that beliefs aren't dictating reality if I am not taking the time to reinforce what I am by watching the objects I create? To me it seems like an unending exploration, and that is incredibly exciting. Meditation has only shifted from process to being what I am as fully as I can. Otherwise I cannot say I know myself to the fullest extent possible. Also I agree fully with the 24/7 comment. That's good wisdom.

I haven't really done affirmations, but In my personal opinion, I think people should make meditation their own. For me, I began meditation without reading about anything (because my ego said that I could figure it out). It began with concentration practice just naturally. Once I would feel the gentle shift (what I now know as absorption), I would have better ability to watch thought objectively. So I would close my eyes, breaking concentration on my visible object, but keeping focus on the breath and rising/falling of the chest. Then I would switch to relaxing each individual muscle in the body as I watched thoughts and focused on breathing. After my body was relaxed, I just watched thoughts while focusing on breath. Any time that I started Identifying with my thoughts, I would either attempt to refocus on breath and relaxing body, or I would open eyes and refocus that way through concentration. As I progressed, my sensation became a unified experience of now. It sounds like a lot, but the progression of broader concentration serves a purpose. It shows you that you are capable of relaxing into pure awareness by decentralizing focus on thoughts. It shows you that you are not your thoughts. It also begins to quiet your mind for more effective self inquiry. The process for me was a natural progression. It just makes sense to progress through it because meditation is 100 percent about your experience. I am happy that I didn't read meditation guides first, and I am happy that after awakening, I started to delve into all of that. It tempered expectation and frustration. This is vital. It is difficult to meditate incorrectly when you arent judging yourself by a standard (an external object). You do what works and learn organically. Every once in a while you check with multiple sources against experience, and do not champion one method over another. Leo is right though. Concentration practice is key. A few pointers on concentration objects: Breath - the skin under your nose and then add in the rising and falling of breath (but not the mechanical thoughts of breathing). Breath focus is a great one, because you always are breathing and therefore concentration on the breath is available at any time of the day. If you must think about in and out, then start on an out breath so the breathing does itself. Eyes open external object - Some of my best experiences have been in this phase. As you relax, and hit absorption, you will notice some crazy changes in vision as you become clear. Also, this is great if you have classes to attend, because you can concentrate on the teacher, focus on breath, and go into absorption to quiet your mind. This is a religious experience at times and helps meditation to bleed over into life. It allows you to acquire new information in a purely objective state. Also, the issue of eyes getting dry or blinking is helpful, not a hindrance. It teaches you to focus through distraction. To sum up, by spreading focus around the sensations through concentration practice (even while doing self inquiry or mindfulness) allows you to explore the endless bounds of awareness, brings you into the moment, and makes the process of getting into that state second nature.

Direct experience is definitely the only way. Triggering direct experience is a result of observing the mind and insatiable learning. Im reading Siddartha right now, and it gives me goosebumps to see how universal and timeless that awakening is. If you have experienced it, and you read the book, it is like looking into your own insights. But yea, I have definitely had some moments pondering about the self and realizing, holy shit, the ponderer is the self. The "I" who ponders the illusion is illusion itself. It's like I am moving through different levels of observer in my awareness. Its trippy and awesome.

I think the point is that you become aware of all the subtle way that you manipulate reality to suit you. You aren't only your ego. Your ego and superego are a stacks of beliefs that form the self via identification. Everything filters through ego and is assigned meaning based on preheld beliefs. It is the middleman between you and reality. Ego forms as a mechanism to mediate between primal drives (id), and societal/moral constraints. Therefore it cannot be all of you. Further, The goal isn't to destroy ego, but rather to relegate it to it's proper place. You are right in one thing though, everyone definitely must move through a selfish stage, otherwise they have no frame of reference to evolve from. This is primarily accomplished in re-framing and accepting. It is definitely possible to take a step back and start seeing how it functions, and to transcend it. If you don't believe that, look up ego defense mechanisms and apply it to your life. That's what really made it crystal clear to me. But yea, we can't only be our ego, because ego exists as a bargainer between other forces. It literally exists to twist reality to satisfy them, and therefore an ego bound existence can only result in illusion. Saying that we are only ego ignores the subconscious and precociousness. Subconscious processes dwarf conscious ego processes by about 100,000 times in terms of data processing. Meditation and mindfulness push back the line between conscious and unconscious processes, resulting in unity. This makes sense because superego is also precociousness, and any mediator will tell you that one of the first transitions is to question beliefs that you identify with. It's like you have to push through the border lands of precociousness before moving to subconscious (except that the subconscious has the power to push whatever it wants into you conscious mind at any time.) I know the idea of id, ego, and superego is an oversimplification, but it is a useful model to understand the compromise in the mind. I understand what you are saying I think, but also I think pinpointing sections in your awareness which aren't egoic is vital to recognizing that we have allowed ego a disproportionate share of awareness.

I agree with this. 1.5 to 2 hours a day, and things start naturally happening. I'm sure this isn't a black and white rule, but I didn't even know what awakening was until after it happened. I was meditating that long leading up to that. I know that's a lot, but to be honest, my practice is the most important thing in my life because the enhancement it brings to all facets make it the most valuable time investment I could make. I'm a law student, and the return on the study time I sacrifice is that my mind works more efficiently, I problem solving skills increase significantly, my relation to others is enhanced (this includes my wife as well as classmates), and when my mind is silent and I am almost completely objective, I pick up information quicker from adverse perspectives. It's frustrating at times that I have suggested it to people I love and they kind of blow it off. They just have no idea that it could possibly be so amazing. That's why I'm excited to hear your progress, you are probably going to see some big changes if you stick with it.