Gopackgo

@zazed If it helps, I meditate all the time. It's a wonderful experience. I just know that there is nothing controlling it. It just apparently arises when it does. Acceptance of no free-will is the hardest one for the me thought. I don't know if it ever fully can accept that its only function is pointless. Its function doesn't exist and never did exist. That's terrifying, but its also true. The apparent conditioning links that to the terror of death. No one knows why something that never happened can bring terror.

The terror is the me thought realizing its not real. This is all natural. Basically, there is an absence of me thought, then the me thought arises and says "holy shit where the fuck have i been." Then that same thought arises as terror. There is nothing you can do but whatever you do. Relax and let what occurs occur. It's not bad that the me thought is not real. It never existed, so it is stressed about something that has always been. It just is a recognition of what is. It is only a thought like all other thoughts and sensations. When that is recognized truly, the terror arises less frequently.

@jse Lol. I'm married. That part made me laugh. She asks me to do something, and I feel that that thing wont be arising anytime soon. Then somehow, it fucking arises. See. Unpredictable.

@zazed Theres no argument. But is there was we wouldn't have a choice about it. Just like you don't have a choice to train the monkey mind. You do it or you don't do it. It arises or it doesn't arise. I am not saying anything other that it is glaringly obvious that thoughts arise from nothing. How can one claim ownership over nothing. You don't have a thought or a sensation. It arises in you out of nothing. You are the nothing, not the thoughts that arise. Maybe think about it like being the nothing between the arising sensations. No one can be responsible for what arises spontaneously out of nothing. Say there is a choice made. The nothing has 3 thoughts arising: Choice 1, Choice 2, and the chooser. It is a continual arising of thoughts, none different than the other. Well.. There is one thought thats different, the last thought which is the "chooser". It says wow.. these 2 other thoughts arose from nothing. I obviously created those other thoughts, and now I am choosing this one. That must be correct. Ignore the fact that "I", the thought, also rose out of nothing after those other thoughts arose out of nothing. Every single thought arises out of nothing. Every single sensation arises out of nothing. "I" is just the perpetual subsequent thought arising out of nothing that is assuming that it created itself or the other thoughts. It is the thought of identification. Lol. It's hilarious. A thought arises about "tomorrow", then "I" arises as a stream of thoughts claiming ownership over the Tomorrow story. Of course nothing ever happens, It all takes place in the same place, but the assumption thought connected to I arises and says, "obviously it is all going to arise in a different place than right here". But it all doesn't happen in the same place.. It is all a story projection. That is what these teachers are saying. Their method (which they didnt choose) is to ask questions to induce arising thoughts in "others" which may spark a recognition. It is everything arising in nothing. The best part is that my "me" thinks it understands, and is still trying to assert ownership. This is something that it could never understand, but all it knows is separate ownership. Nothing cant control nothing. It's nothing. All of these words are just springing out of nothing...

@Echoes We are basically saying the same thing. I'm saying that when you are triggered to tell a friend about spirituality, he either will or will not seek in reaction to your thought arising. He will have the thought that he is choosing it, but it will have either been recognized or ignored with no choice. He may be lost in a story triggered by another story, and this will cause him not to recognize it. It just happens. There hasnt been a long period of seeking for me, but it was an intense reaction to a recognition that I do not exist. It is a long line of reactions that only could have happened the way they happened. None of the recognitions have been from conceptual transfer, they have been in direct experience. They have arisen, they have not been acquired. "I" has no ownership over them as much as he wants to claim them. What I am saying is ironic, because I am writing this post in order to trigger others as if I could cause recognition. It is very much about seeing the circular nature of me, but when it happens, it just arises. It is arising in nothing when it arises. The me attaches to it after it arises and says: "Ah, look at what I have acquired!" So by all means, tell friends, but just don't think that you are choosing to tell them. The impulse arises, and happens. Then the me arises and says: "good thing that I had that thought that arose out of nowhere, and decided to speak it to my friend." The friend says: "good thing my friends thought arose, it was said, and then hearing arose followed by a thought that I needed what he has found." Me is the thought arising after what arises that claims ownership that these teachers are trying to point out. There is no other way for me to describe it. People will seek if the proper things arise in the long chain of reactions. The illusion is that they are the cause and not the reaction. LOL. It is so funny. Its all retroactive storymaking that results in identification, apparently.

@Echoes It's not right or wrong, its just the same circular path. The me always thinks something is needed. It just does. Its the same thing arising over and over, and it can be recognized. We first seek science to understand reality. We think that once we get there something will be whole. That doesn't work. We hear of enlightenment (or just naturally awaken) We don't know what it is be we need it. It is the same me arising, but this arising carries different content. Then the me arises with the content that in order to transcend itself, something amazing will occur. This is a fitting assumption for me to make. It trades stories of unhappiness for stories of enlightenment. Same book different chapter. The stories, ironically, are a way to distract it from its ever-present experience. When this is recognized, it is seen that the same me driving the seeking is the same me that has every been. The content of me changes over and over, and at no point is the me ever going to get it. Even if it was something to get, the me can never understand it, because it occurs outside of it. It is the same thought arising over and over and claiming ownership of all other arisings that arose before it. The me uses these stories to pull itself out of the eternal present (which is the only place me can be recognized.) What type of being experiences an eternal present?

@Echoes He is saying that you have no choice in the matter. The recognition happens when the recognition happens. I came to seeking after the first recognition (awakening). Between the happening of recognition and beginning seeking, there were more recognition than there were when I started seeking. The problem is that seeking assumes there is something you need. Maybe it is needed to make the mind circulate until it ceases, but think about it. If the you assumes there is something that is needed in order to be something, else, you are assuming duality. This is the thing, you aren't the cause of your seeking, you are the reaction. Something happens that causes seeking. So if a me says I am seeking in order to find out what I already am, it is the reaction claiming to be the cause. There's no real choice in the matter. It just is, but the recognition will arise or not. The non-seeker message is only attempting to recognize that. Seeking is a reaction, it's not a cause. The you never causes anything. It is an output in response to a cause, not the cause itself.

That lecture is genius. You are the ego. YOU ARE. That which is reading this and possibly reacting to this sentence. You are the thought. You are a thought that arises between other sensations and lays ownership over all else. That is what the message is when people say stop seeking. It is meant that every single thought is the self. Even the thought that says, I want the ego dead, or I want the ego merged or anything else. It is an endless cycle. I need to seek. I need to meditate. I'm almost there. I'm almost enlightened. Do this. Every thought that arises, recognize that the thought is it. Then recognize that the recognition is it. Then recognize that the recognition is it. Repeat. When the frustration arises, recognize that the frustration is it. Then recognize that the fear is it. Then recognize that the fear is uncontrollable. Then recognize that the recognition isn't it. It is all arising out of nowhere. If this doesn't sound right, or if it makes negative emotions arise, that's the entry point. Why is the arising emotion negative? It's because you are it. You can't ever accept what is because it is not what you want. It's not psychic powers. It's not a superior feeling of peace. There is nothing there to control either of those things. It is all arising in nothing. There is nothing you can do to recognize this because "you" is the problem. You are projecting yourself onto a situation that will never be what you want because you don't exist. You cant claim ownership over your fellow thoughts, because you are one of the thoughts. So, the seeker arising is the ego. It is the thing that doesn't exist. You are the reason that you cant see that now never ends. Only stories arise. None of them are real because real is now, and its not real, it is just the rising projection occurring in the nothing that thinks its you. You has no control over whether you are recognized because you are an output and not an input. You arise after other perceptions and you claim that you are the cause but you are the reaction. You are one of the perceptions. Every single thought arising is the story that needs to be recognized to recognize that nothing ever happens. None of them belong to you, they just are. You assuming anything else is assuming duality. LOL. You are it.

lololol

I would say use the information initially as a weapon against the self, to break your beliefs down and get traction. At some point though, you do not need the information as much because any information you adopt becomes a dogma, even if you don't realize it. What happens to a lot of people is that they read a bunch of information and pick and choose parts of each to form a theory. The problem is that the only one who would seek to know all is the self. This is why everything has to come from direct experience. When you are just adopting theory, you are doing exactly what a scientist does with rationalization. It's the same thought process only the content has changed. This is why I like Leo's videos. He is focused on different thought processes more than anything else. The best thing you can read about is functions of ego. The more aware you are of the mechanisms, and thought processes that are based on a false assumption the better you can strip away all the baggage to get to your fundamental nature. For me, watching my thoughts is what really did it for me. As soon as you realize that the self is an output, and not an input, and realize that theres no free will, the self falls apart. A lot of this is about accepting things that the ego thinks are scary. Edit: Leo's new video on skepticism covers this. Highly suggest it.

It happens over time for some people. Generally someone has a glimpse, and then reverts. Then another experience, then reverts. The times get longer and longer. It will feel like there is just being. Thoughts and experiences will just arise, but there isn't a monologue in your head. Whether or not it is permanent is outside of your control. As it is accepted that the ego never existed and that there is no reason to have an argument in your head over choices that are really not choices. A lot of times there is a happy feeling in the body. Sometimes there are some very deep insights that come out of nowhere. There is little thinking going on, and what you previously had thoughts about will arise an emotion. It is pure unadulterated life. Any feelings of want are muted and non-existent. For very few people it is a one time permanent shift. For me it is reversion back and forth, as my "subconscious" (or whatever is deciding) learns that the me is the only source of problems, and it twists everything to suit an illusion that has no bearing on reality. And that there is no reason to continue the charade of conscious choice. A good way to foster it is to free flow journal and just get used to the feeling of pure action with little to no thought. A good way to kill the feeling is to start picking all the things about the experience that are not perfect. That is an opening for ego to take hold again. Seek if you must, but the best way to learn about pure awareness is to be pure awareness.

@Stoica Doru You are alive now. Fuck yea.

Yes. That is what I experienced. It's only the beginning. I have a post about my experience. Do colors look brighter by any chance? The experience of green here was especially notable. It was like I was seeing the world for the first time, just...lucid. I had a feeling of love in my chest that was only previously had when taking an opiate. If you are experiencing this, you may experience ego backlash. Try not to allow it to try and rationalize the experience. It just is as it is. No explanation needed. Just be pure awareness. I'm happy for you! Actually, I take back the part about trying not to allow ego to do anything. Just accept what it is doing and remember that this is what you are. It cannot be taken away from you. Some aspects of the experience will rise and fall, but it is an irreversible change. Just accept.

The thing is though that no one can ever understand because there is no one to understand. Only accumulations of experience in the present moment.

This did it for me. It just is. Can you accept that? No you cant. The more you try, the deeper you sink. What is is whats happening, and there's nothing outside of that. This video is hilarious. Any attempt to rationalize it is absurd. This is combined with a meditation session last night where I noticed that even the thoughts I used to think about enlightenment are not under any control. They just arise. Thinking about it at all is an illusion. I didn't want to accept it, and that was the answer, because nothing can never accept anything, let alone something. I still haven't accepted it, and I never will, but it is known that the non-acceptance is not accepted by a me that doesn't exist.

@LRyan First, I don't understand because understanding is a thought running through this experience. No one can understand because in order to understand, there has to be someone there. A being is nothing more than the experiences arising at any given time. We literally are the knowing of experiences. The problem is that one of those experiences rises up and starts attaching meaning to other experiences through projection and judgment. We are like glass of water. The ripples in the water pass through us at random, and dissipate. The self is one of those ripples that occurs. This isn't the best metaphor because the water suggests that the water is the self it is running through, but really it would be as if the ripples themselves made up the water. The only way that the water is like the self is that it connects all the ripples, but in an illusory way. What I mean about no control is that you don't have choices, only the illusion of them. You can control nothing because "you" do not exist. You are just the summation of experiences. For instance, right now I am typing at a computer. That is my experience, and I am whatever my experience is. It rises and falls, and then I am sitting on the chair. I don't mean "am" like a verb, I mean "am" as in I am that experience. That is what is and that is the closest I can come to a self. I am the experience arising and falling. The self is like this as well. It is a recurring thought that rises and falls when activated. It is a thought about what should be and what my experience needs. It projects itself onto other experiences, or it twists perceptions of experience to fit what it assumes should be the case (rationalization). It is the experience of conditioning. Really, there is no connection between those experiences other than the knowing of them. As you meditate, you will see that you actually have 0 control over the content of your thought. It goes through levels. First the thought talk will be loud, and then you will realize that the thoughts you thought you were controlling are actually just appearing. Identification with them will end. Then there will be a smaller voice feeding into your awareness. Similarly you will get separation from those sub thoughts, and you will see that they are just flowing through you. For me, after that, I wondered what it was that was getting separation from the thought processes. It was the seeker that was deciding to act in the first place. I had no control over it. For the scientific mind, think of it like this. All decision making happens outside of the conscious mind. The experience of conscious thought and the self is an OUTPUT to the system like every other sensation, not an input. Decisions are not made in the conscious mind. Assuming you have control over them is the same as saying that you have the ability not to hear sounds. You have no control over that. Thoughts are just had, not controlled. When you really look closely, you will see that you are identifying with these thoughts. All you can do is accept that you truly have no control over anything, and that things happen as they should. Anytime you feel that this isn't the case, it means the ego is projecting something onto reality. That is wanting and need. It's all a movie, your experience of it is an output. This requires a force outside of "your" control to realize this. So it doesn't really matter what I saw, the message will be accepted or not, but not by the thought you consider to be "I". As far as the direct experience thing, what worked for me is just really considering, have you ever in your life experienced something other than right now? Even memories are experienced in the present. That's actually one of the biggest problems. Selves worry about the future, a story that is out of their control and one that they have never even experienced. This is anxiety. I recognized that when you live in story thoughts, your life becomes a future delusion story-thought. It does 0 good to be absorbed in story thoughts in the present, because the present is all you have or will ever have. Time is a funny thing really. The future and past do not exist, and the present instantly becomes the past. Regardless of that absolute mind fuck, the definition of living in delusion is living in some projection of your ego that says, "I need all these things I want to be happy". That is a perpetual kicking of the can down the road, and the future will never be the present. A mind cannot suppress thought. The experience of mind itself is a thought. A concept dictates whatever that experience is. Like I said before, you cant control the thoughts flowing through you. There is an illusion that you can, but it is an illusion. Thoughts are a sensation. You know this because you experience them, and you will realize that they rise and fall like everything else. The knowing of the experience, however, is permanent. In my experience, concentration meditation and just spreading focus around my sensations showed me how much there was a focus on thoughts alone. There is sooooo much more. The self thought creates a huge blindspot in this regard. It rises and falls, but when there is an identification with thoughts, other sensations are whitewashed from awareness of them. It is driven by want. Some advice: Be very aware of how your thought processes work, when you start using the same processes and just switching the content. I did this with Buddhism. Same scientific rational thought process, just switching in Buddhist thought processes. You will see what I mean on this one. It's tricky in that way, but what was being done was mental masturbation wherein the ego was needing to make sense of what was occurring, or discrepancies between my experience and others experiences. The other thing is hard, Is that right now, your life is dictated by stories. It is very hard to accept that those stories do not have any bearing on what is right now. However, the sooner you accept that everything you "know" is a total illusion driven by an out of control thought, the better. You of course have no control over when you accept it, but something does, so I am talking to whatever that is. I know this is a lot, and I don' t claim that all of this is true, these are just the thoughts that came through me. Please feel free to ask questions. This is truly impossible to explain, but there is no annoyance on this end. Push back if you want and maybe you will help me to remove resistances that I cant see in experience.

Also, labeling a person as a zen devil is a duality. It just is. A label is a concept that is inherently not acceptance. It is a function of the story of me. Think about it like this. In nonduality, if there is any disagreement, both parties are wrong. That is an implication of unity. Any disagreement or resistance is a red flag for the separate self. But also, they aren't wrong because right and wrong are non-existent. We just are as we are. There is no other way that it could be. There is no awareness, no I, no seeking, nothing other than being. Reality is being. The illusion is assuming that it is not being how it is.

Maybe, but it seems to me that he is saying what every teacher is saying. It is beyond comprehension. I mean think about the implications of no free will. It means that you will realize when you realize. Everyone wants to make a model of reality in terms of enlightenment. How is this any different than science or religion? Further, how is being obsessed with finding the perfect model any different? Seeking obsessively inherently means that you are not accepting what is. Also, it is a real possibility that all of the teachers applying concepts are only activating the self. The self deals in concepts, but awareness deals in direct experience. Do you think that thinking about reality is any different from being a self? Maybe the best way to explore reality is to .... be reality. I mean, anything beyond the subject, like a concept or experience, is an object, which is duality. Around us is a singular expression of what is. Any form of seeking assumes that there is some experience outside of your self that you need to seek. That is duality. In some other videos, he talks about how there is no moment in time because time is infinite. So specifying a moment is like claiming that a circle has a beginning or end. It all just is. It happens simultaneously. What do you think memory is? Are any of your memories in the 3rd person? IT seems to me that memories are all 1 experience of what is. In my meditations, I have been going through memories, and it as if I am projecting consciousness to the memory and reassuring my consciousness (at the time of the memory) that everything is fine and this is just reality expressing itself. I have told the separate self that it is ok to allow emotion to express. So Im not saying that exercising meditation practices are dumb. I am saying that you have absolutely 0 control in deciding to do them. They just are. It is 1 continuous expression of the same awareness. Our "brain" generates a reality, and beyond the bounds of that, we will not ever know what is. The dualist would say that there is information beyond what a person is aware of, that comes into awareness and is perceived. The non-dualist would say there is no separation, there just is. The experience arises as part of the awareness expressing itself, but there can be no separation. It is all one continuous expression of the same nothingness which is also everything. The only way to see this is to stop applying concepts and to be the actual experience. Seeking prevents this because when you are applying a teachers concepts, there is no difference between that and applying any other concept. It just is. The self cannot consider this, so it seeks to understand the un-explainable instead of just being it. Its the same thing with choice. There can be no choice for a dualist because a choice is a duality. It all just is. There can be no choice. Accepting no choice (as if you have the choice about accepting choice) is a big step toward acceptance. Again, none of what I have said has any bearing on you, and even if it were to make you "change your mind", that is an illusion. You were always going to change your mind, and the self creates the illusion that new information caused you to make a choice. So stop feeding the rational self. Be what is, what always was, what always will be. (but what also never was or will be because past and future are illusion).

@LRyan Everyone wants to know everything. This is the problem. There's always a new thing to look for. Don't lose sight of whats around you, i.e. dont replace worrying about the future of life with worrying about the future of your enlightenment. Having said that, I think this is a good thing to begin seeking. Like Leo said, those who have "it" always say there's nothing to look for, but that means nothing to the asleep. Having said that, I didnt begin looking until i knew something may need to be looked for in an epic WTF moment. You will either find it or not, but I mean shit, what else is there to do in life? Go in with an open heart and a skeptical mind, and anything you find about yourself is a positive. Only give authority to your direct experience. If you seek teachers and information about other's experience, only do so to get context, and then dive back into your own direct experience.

@LRyan You don't have an option. There's no free will in the matter. That line of questioning assumes that there has to be a point to life, and also assumes that one wouldn't be motivated without a point. But really, the crux of the matter is that there is no rationalizing. If I have learned anything from this work it is that rationalization is the greatest enemy of the enlightenment seeker. A person cannot rationalize nothing. No concept of nothing can ever exist. You just are, this reeality just is. The self is made from rationalizations. That is it's only function. The real question is whether or not you can accept that you may never know what you are seeking. Or maybe you will, but either way, can you accept it? How can someone possibly understand reality when they can't stop themselves from rationalizing it instead of accepting what is. Apparently, there are many different realizations in this, and that has been the experience for "me". Seeking is totally worth it until it isn't anymore, then it is about direct experience, which it always was. I will continue to search and destroy lingering belief, and be mindful of rationalization, but the inherent question is, if the self never exists, then who is it that the seeker expects to "know" this stuff? Even just this post, I am typing it as if it will affect anyone's opinion, but they either will or won't accept it. It isn't up to me or them, so there is no point of even posting it. Yet here I am. I think selfs get stuck because they cant stop trying to rationalize everything (maybe). Take a good hard look at thought processes, and ask if the thinker is thinking, or if it is a thought itself. It certainly occurs in the same thought process. If the thinker is a thought, how can the thinker seek? This is all new to me, and I don't know what comes next, but I think that's the point. Who can know?

It's funny that you bring up the placebo effect, a thing that science has never been able to explain because they refuse to accept that reality is subjective. Maybe the benefits I have experienced from meditation are "placebo", I really can't know, but the experience is real to me. If a person had cancer and they took an inert medication, and were cured, do you think that even if it was expectation alone that cured them, that their cancer would come back? Do you think the fear and the experience of cancer is any less real to them, or that the relief and happiness of being "cured" is any less real? Do you think that person really cares what cured them? Either way, their experience was that they were cured, so that is their reality. This is the problem, people are living their life in a way that requires verification from "objective" and external sources that form their subjective internal beliefs. It's this big game called rationalizing, and I can tell you that objectively it causes illusion. Rationalization by nature is subjectively adapting an experience by twisting it into something that fits in your belief system (regardless of what you actually experienced). This is a process that builds on itself, making people draw connections that arent really there, and creates huge blindspots. This is also how the self is formed. It is the middle man that is causing everyone's pain because it tries to exert itself on what is. It's true that your ego doesnt like contradiction. A big part of enlightenment is accepting contradictions. Why can you not do this? For example: There are republicans and there are democrats. If one is a democrat, does it make their reality of experience any more accurate when they have to tell themselves that people are republicans because they just arent as educated as democrats? Is that really true? What about the fact that there are really smart republicans? How does that fit into their working model of reality? All that rationalizing does is cause conflict with what is actually happening. The alternative is to accept that there are 2 conflicting ideologies. Neither one is right, and both political parties serve the same function. They just are as they are. There's no need to reconcile it with what you want to believe. When you choose to rationalize instead of accept as is, your subjectivity will put you at odds with reality, It is unavoidable. Further, it will limit what you are able to learn and experience, because you will avoid everything that doesn't jive with your one sided view. It's selfish. This is just one small example, but imagine that this happens in every single aspect of your life. On top of that, Imagine that you think that your way of thinking about how you think is the only way that could ever makes sense. Can you start to see how all of those incompatibilities would build on each other and force you to live a lie? Welcome to the mind fuck.The truth is that underneath all of these beliefs, everyone is the same exact awareness of existence, Awareness is the fundamental essence shared by all humans. It means that the only difference between you and other people is the belief system that makes up your working model of reality. That model is the self, and much like scientific models, at some point, it will be rocked beyond belief if you allow yourself to take up beliefs based on your other beliefs as opposed to direct experience. My goal is to crush all of my beliefs, because I have no desire to live in fake reality created by illusory rationalizations. Attachment to your beliefs is the cause of all suffering. So in short, I disagree with that articles attempt to rationalize a method that has been changing lives for 2500 years. I would humbly suggest that you formulate whether you want to meditate and work toward direct experience based on your experience and not what an external source tells you is objectively true.

This is an issue that is close to my heart because I love Psychology, and I think the science as a whole is ignoring the best treatment options because they want to be a "science". There is no argument that the human brain is not subjective, so I don't understand why psychology continues to try and force people into categories. I can tell you from my experience, actually watching my mind and seeing the thought processes was much more effective than seeing a counselor. Consider what is happening when you talk to a counselor: 1) you have behaviors that are adversely affecting your life. 2) you try to explain the behaviors to the psychologist (so you interpret your feelings through your subjective belief system and mind into words to tell them). 3) the Psychologist listens to your words (runs them through his belief system and his professional belief system.) 4) He categorizes your malady, and translates his concepts into words that he thinks you will be able to use (subjectively) 5) you listen to the words (after they run through your filter system again), and attempt to implement them into your life. Because the counselor is not in your head, there are incongruencies which you then rationalize in order to reconcile(which by the way IS the main cause of illusion in the first place. 2 minds, 2 egos, and many different interpretations so you might learn who you are. After all of that, and then you have to continually go back to readjust strategies and adapt treatment to you. Compare this to meditation: 1) you watch your thoughts and focus concentration. 2) you naturally find your physiological triggers for anxiety, and learn how to interrupt the cycle. 3) you begin to see the maladaptive thought processes and naturally reconcile them with reality. 1 mind(temporarily a problem), 1 ego (temporarily a problem) This is without even going into all the spiritual stuff. The last thing you need in your life is another self in between you and happiness. You are trying to get closer to reality, not one step removed. I am not saying that therapists don't work, but I am saying that this therapist seems to be projecting his own ego onto you. Psychologists should be embracing all of this. In fact, higher consciousness is the only thing they should be studying. Instead, they want to continue to group people into large groups and diagnose them with a broad brush. Do not let anyone make you feel bad about yourself because you have the courage to confront your demons. It is the bravest thing a person can do, and I hope you find a good replacement if you feel that is right.

@Callum A Yes! dont resist resisting. Just see, accept, and watch judgment fall away,

I am not trying to be mystic, but this really worked for me. Have you noticed how you can focus awareness? This is like concentration meditation. Focus your awareness on the belief or resistance in meditation. Realize that all resistance comes from ego projection and rationalization. It's fake, but your experience of it is very real. Don't hide from the resistance, because by nature, that is what resistance is. Remind yourself that any resistance appearing in awareness cannot be who you are. I am constantly working on this, and really it comes down to feeling resistance rising and shining the light of awareness on it in a focused beam. Then you remember what you are and what the resistance is.

Lean into it. Don't be scared. You will not lose your self, you will find yourself. I thought of a quote today, maybe its for you: The only way to live in a subjective reality is to be purely objective. It means that to explore yourself, you cant be judgmental, nor can you attach judgment to everything. That was my biggest problem in the beginning. I thought I was crazy. In all truth, you just have to be it. Definitely don't fight the emotions (not saying you are, but its a good thing to say). I spent the first part of my life doing that, and its no bueno.