OnceMore

On a purely practical level, how do I handle addiction? I've realised that I have many addictions. They include: 1. Junk food, 2. Smartphone & Internet, 3. Porn & Masturbation I know that I'm running away and am masking my problems with these addictions. These addictions occur as a way to escape my suffering. I never had these addictions before, but because I have been suffering in recent years, I've created these addictions to help me cope. When I partake in these behaviours, it is a welcome distraction from the reality of my life. My life is not a place that I like or enjoy, and that's why I like to use things like porn and junk food to get away from my life, just for a little while. I actually look forward to these things when I'm suffering. My thinking can be "Ah, I'm suffering right now, but at least I get to eat that snack later on / at least I get to watch porn later on". These addictions make me feel better in the moment, and then terrible after. They allow me to procrastinate and waste time so that I don't have to do the real work to improve my life. I don't want this anymore. I don't want to be held hostage to these things. I want to return to the state where I never had these addictions. How do I go about this on a practical level?

I have a fear that I’m not going to do anything meaningful with my life. That I’m just going to live a life that is way below what my potential could have been. This fear was bought upon me today, when I went for an interview at a McDonalds restaurant. I don't even eat McDonalds, but I need money. I was asked to take a seat while I wait for my interviewer. A good 20 minutes went by and I was still waiting, and my view was directly at the McDonalds staff and the kitchen. The whole 20 minutes I was just observing them and looking at them. Their faces. A massive fear came up for me. That I didn't want to do this. That I know I'm capable of much, much higher things than working at this place. It was a horrible feeling man. I remembered that I accomplished some ridiculously difficult things in the past, and that I can do it again. I went outside after and just went for a walk for like an hour, just asking myself wtf am I doing. I also got the feeling that I was settling. Settling for way less than I can do. I'm not sure how to handle this. I don't have a life purpose (even after Leo's course). Any advice? What would you do?

23 y/o. Nothing really. Just bounced between temp jobs. I guess I don't have much skills. I went to a pretty good college but dropped out because I'm an idiot. I have a chance to return and get my degree next fall, but I'm going to be quite old by the time I graduate and all the super good careers will go to guys/gals who're younger and had more clean resume's.

I feel like I've gone mental or insane because all of this is just not logical or rational in any sort of way. It's just weird. Really fucking weird. But I'd love some advice because trying to think myself out of this 'situation' on my own hasn't worked. I want a solution because this is ridiculous. Here we go: I haven't seen this particular girl in 5 years. 5 years. I'm 22, btw. I only knew her for a year, but in that year we were really close as friends. Super close. And while we were close as friends for that year, I can honestly and truly say that I did not think of her in any romantic way whatsoever. Nor did I want anything romantic with her. Never even thought about the possibility of the two of us being sexual or romantic. She was just an awesome friend. But I left to pursue my education and we lost touch completely. I went through most of college without seeing her, and I went through three years of university without seeing her. So I've gone through at least a couple of stages in my life without seeing her. Adds up to 5 years in total. But about one year in to my first year at university, for some reason, for some reason that I don't know of, I started to think about her. I started thinking a lot about her. I was wondering how she was. I was wondering if she had a boyfriend. I started to fantasise about her. And as I kept thinking about her, my 'feelings' for her became stronger. Yes, that's right, my feelings for a girl became stronger even though at this particular point I hadn't seen her in about three years. But the thing is, in the three years prior to me developing 'feelings' for her, I did not think about her at all. At all. I couldn't care less what she was doing. Never came to my mind to think about her. She was a good friend that I lost in touch with, that was all. Then all of a sudden I started thinking about her. wtf?! But that's just the start of this weirdness. So I started thinking about her two years ago, and haven't stopped thinking about her since. I've pretty much fell in love with this idealised person I've created. The visions I'm having of the two of us aren't even compatible to how she was as a person. The visions and imaginations I've created are pretty much the me and this created person, but with the look of the girl I knew. I never knew her long enough or deep enough for my visions and imaginations to warrant such a high level person in my mind. That's pretty complicated so I'll say it again: For the last two years, I've been thinking, every single day, of the life I could have with this girl. A girl I haven't seen in 5 years. A girl I only knew for a year. I think of marrying her, having sex with her, having kids with her, etc. I don't even remember what she actually was like, in real life. All I know now is the persona I've created in my mind, with the face and body of this girl. And I'm infatuated with this person I've created in my mind. This person who is not real. I have to add, because maybe this is relevant, that I've had zero experience with girls, and do not meet girls ever, pretty much. The stuff I do is mainly 'guy stuff'. I have had two short periods in these two years, where I've met two separate different girls, and started thinking about them and not the girl I knew 5 years ago. But after those periods ended, I went back to thinking about the old girl. Another twist to this silly story: The girl I've been 'pining' for is now getting married. Which is weird feeling for me. I know intellectually that the girl who is getting married is not the girl I've created in my mind, but because they look identical with the same face and body, I feel a little sad. But I also feel good at the same time because I know the guy she's marrying: he used to be my best friend. And he's a top bloke. So at the same time I'm happy for them, truly. But I'm also tremendously jealous of them. How they got their lives all sorted out. But the other thing is this: This period where I've been thinking and hoping to have this girl has been more than a little interesting in other ways. It got me to start reading books to improve myself so I can be worthy of her. It got me here, to actualized.org. It got me in to meditation. It got me in to reading books. It got me in to implementing good habits and removing bad habits. Basically, randomly pining over a girl that I hadn't seen in 5 years has gotten me in to personal development, because I wanted to improve myself to the level where I can be good enough for her. So I guess I have a lot to thank her for, or a lot to thank the 'her' in my mind that I've created. I think I have a reason for why this is happening: She was a really, really good friend. And I've been pretty lonely for the last few years, and definitely miss that feminine energy around me. She was a very feminine girl, and was really attractive. And I guess I miss having that. The two times I've had that feminine energy back in my life, I felt good, and didn't think about her for that period. But what do you think is going on? Anyway, that's the story, pretty much. My dilemma is that, now that the real her is getting married, I still pine over her in my mind even though she's getting married and I haven't seen her in 5 years. Please advice me on how I can stop the nonsense. [And apologies for the length of the post. Hope you find it interesting/funny.]

@ajasatya I've implemented something what I would consider 'unusual' to my life recently: I started training boxing. It's unusual for me because I'm not violent at all and am quite in my head mostly, but I've been training consistently. Is this the sort of thing you mean? Or do you literally mean have crazy experiences like skydiving and bungee jumping and solo travel etc? And that movie is actually one of my favourite movies of all time (for me). I was actually going to watch it later on tonight, and then you recommended it. That's freaky man. It's a movie I really love. But every time I watch it I sometimes feel sad that I don't do those things. It's mainly fear of something. Fear of dying if I skydive. Fear of not being ready if I want to go on a hike in the Himalayas. Just fear.

@ajasatya Ha you was right about the resistance that was arising. I was all with you with 'go out and expand your life', but didn't know that entailed joining religions and dancing with shamans. But the source of my resistance? To joining religions and dancing with shamans? Probably something like me believing that they won't have much of a positive impact on my life as a whole. (but is this not just a distraction from what my actual problem is? The fact I'm addicted to this girl?)

I'm about 100 pages in to the book Radical Honesty, and it is quite a shocking book. Although the author hasn't explicitly told me, at this point, that the way to go about this is to be honest all of the time. Maybe he will later on, but for now I want to ask some questions for you all and give my thoughts. So, are we meant to be honest all of the time, as if we were children again? Surely the author can't possibly mean that a person should be honest all the time for them to live the most creative and fulfilling life possible for them. And in this case, 'honesty' means we correctly convey the facts of our lives and our feelings of them, regardless of how we make the other person feel. [I'm unsure on this definition, so someone correct me if you've read this book] So if you're friend asks if she looks fat in that dress, and you know she does, we're meant to say "Yes, you look fat in that dress". I mean, really?! How is this helping anything by being honest? All that will happen is that the night out in the town will be ruined for her because now she knows she looks fat in that dress or any other dress, and perhaps the friendship will derail, or all the other friends who have been asked this question will turn against you. This tiny situation can turn in to one big mess, just by being honest. And how can we be honest in a business setting? When networking with new people, for example. Lies are like the bread and butter in this setting because everyone is so desperate to get a connection to get ahead in their careers. Or being honest with you boss?! Holy shit. Or if someone is in passing, and just asks "how are you?" but you know they're just making conversation and want to get on with their life, am I meant to be truthful here and answer I'm doing bad if I'm actually doing bad? Isn't this just a waste of both of our time by being honest in this situation? They don't actually care. And I don't care either. So, How can an adult person tell the truth all of the time?

In particular, the insecurity of comparing yourself to another person? For my entire life, I have always been really bad at this, and am just always comparing myself to people. And it's always people who are close to me or people I know. I'm never comparing myself to someone like, say, Elon Musk or Mother Teresa, but rather it's just people I'm familiar with. And the things that usually pops up is stuff like "He/she is so much better than me". "He/she is so good looking, I wish I was that good looking because then my life would be so much easier". "I wish I was them because life would be much better". "They must have such an exciting life, I wish I was as adventurous as them". "I wish I was as successful as them" etc etc etc I think that some of these insecurities arise because I'm actually not happy in my own life. But as I'm working on my own life, and I have a good day where I'm doing good work and made progress that day, the whole feeling of doing good and progressing to make my life better comes crashing down if I'm reminded that there are people I know that are just way better than me at life. People who are just acing life, taking it on, attacking the day everyday, having great social lives, great sex lives, great jobs etc. And then I'm in the stupid victim mindset where I'm thinking that life is just so unfair, that some people are just born lucky. This is all crippling. It's difficult to not compare. How do I stop this? And as a corollary: how do I stop the jealousy that occurs? This stuff is just annoying. I just want to get on with my damn life!

@Nichols Harvey Face it how though? I know now that the environment I grew up in was definitely messed up. But after knowing that, how does one move on from that?

@5driedgrams Wow. Great find. I read his book 'As a Man Thinketh' last year and loved it.

What do you think are some essential actions steps a person needs to take if they find themselves in the position where they've messed up so much that they've pretty much destroyed all of their bridges with people and have lost everything.

I'm a failure. I'm about 4 years behind on where I should be in life. I should have gotten my degree by now, and should be in a career. I used to be healthy and in shape, now I'm completely out of shape and am unhealthy, and I definitely look unhealthy as well. I should have had at least some experience with the opposite sex, but I've had none. My mental health a few years ago was rock solid, but nowadays even the smallest thing can make me spiral towards darkness. Basically, I have NOTHING to show for the last few years, except for hurt and misery and disappointments. So recently I've had another failure. And am now I'm returning back home in a few days. I don't want to show my face around my neighbourhood. This is going to be so, so painful to bear. Past friends who I no longer speak to still live in that neighbourhood right next to me, so I'll have to see them at some point. And they're all doing so well. They've got careers, getting married, and actually moving forward and progressing with their lives. Me? Well I'm just doing shit. 'Shit' is the perfect word for my situation, and is an apt description of me. They're all doing so good, and I can barely get out of bed in the morning and brush my damn teeth. I don't want to own up to this. I don't want to go home and face the shame, the humiliation of failing so many times without any success. Im thinking of just finding my own place in another town/city, but this won't be good for me financially, and this is probably classed as running away from the issue. I just feel so horrible. I've completely let my younger self down. If he were here to see me now, he'd kill me in an instant. I've shamed myself. I've failed so many times. So many years wasted with nothing to show. This is the worst I've ever felt. 4 years wasted. Fuck. How can I face all the people? All my family. All of my past friends who have been taking life on and killing it. This hurts. I'm so disappointed in myself. I want to just run away to another city. Everyone will look at me, meet me, and think "Wow, what on earth happened to him? He seemed like he had a good future and a lot of potential. Now he's just a bum". And it's true. I am a bum. I used to actually have a lot of potential. At one point, I was killing it. I was doing so well. And now I feel destroyed. It wasn't meant to be like this... Advice please, good people of actualized.org ...

Thank you for everyone replying to this topic You've all given me a lot

@ajasatya Review my reasons? For living, you mean? If so, then I've tried to find some reasons, but all seem a little hopeless to me currently. I don't think I've ever experienced that. Truthfully, I'm not sure what it is or how to get it.

@Annie I am 22 y/o

@Annie I followed through on my purpose at that particular time. Did well. But I didnt push on to another purpose. And I've been looking for purpose for a long time now. I can't find it. Even did Leo's course. But I have no purpose and no drive anymore. It wasn't like this before. I used to have both purpose and drive but now they've left me. Im still looking

@Annetta I feel ashamed because it shouldn't have been like this. I was meant to go on to do big things, I believed.

@DoubleYou You think the fresh start in this case is not to just leave my home, but to properly face my past?

@Visitor Hmm. Are you saying that the 'new change I'm looking for' isn't so much new surroundings (I.e. A new city to go to), but a new change in my behaviour (not running this time. But facing)? Before I didn't think that I feared change. I welcomed it (I thought) Now I'm not so sure. I think I welcome physical change, like new surroundings. But don't like I guess inner change where the emotions in me are going crazy with regret, jealousy, anger towards myself etc.

@egoeimai How do I win? I haven't won in years. My brain itself has probably lost the networks that were used for winning. It's been losing and losing for so long now, it's gotten used to it

Do any of you know of jobs that directly have this in mind? Aside from the stuff that Leo is creating

I'm having this problem where, when I make a decision about my life, or I'm making some sort of move to take my life in a particular direction, that the people around me don't understand why I'm doing it and they want me to explain myself and my reasoning to them, even if my decision has nothing to do with them and has no impact on them. Now pretty much all of the time, I know exactly why I'm making that decision. I know exactly why I'm doing what I'm doing. I know how I'm going to do it. And I know what I'm going to get from taking that decision, and usually the result is a positive one for me. But it gets tricky when I decide to do something, and then the people close to me want an explanation. This is a problem for me because: They will not understand, as they're not in the same field as me (personal development), so giving an explanation is futile. I'll give an easy example: Waking up early. I've decided to wake up super early. This means going to sleep early. I can visualise the long term positive affects this will have on me, for me. This means saying no to going out late at night with people who I'm close to, and go out with regularly.. This means eating at different times in according to my schedule, without the rest of my flatmates because they will eat later on. This means I may not be around as much or we won't spend time the way we used to. ALL OF THIS IS FINE TO ME. I am willing to take the hits and sacrifices to get to the next level. Now, when I make this decision to wake up early, they want an explanation. I explain them my reasoning. They shut me down. Say it's not worth it. I (stupidly) try to explain in a more succinct way how this benefits me long term. I get shut down. This happens with almost every decision I make where the impact is visible. Now when I'm asked for an explanation, whether from family or flatmates, I say nothing. It's easier, but it's also the other extreme to the other response, where I try to explain myself. My question to you is: does this also occur for you? And how do you handle it? I find this to be exhausting. I don't want to explain anymore, because they won't understand and will just want me to return to 'normal', but the other extreme of not saying anything doesn't seem to be the full solution either, especially if the people are close to me.

You clicked on here because of my fancy title? It means something like "Remember you must die". I got it from reading Steve Jobs' biography, where the author at some point went off on a tangent and started explaining that, as a general/gladiator returns from battle being victorious, he would be paraded around his city. And as this was happening, as he was being applauded and serenaded by all the crowds that have gathered to congratulate him, a servant was stationed behind him and was instructed to repeat "Memento Mori". Wow! That's cool. Anyway, this is gonna be my all-purpose journal. I'm unsure on how to go about journaling, what structure to use etc., so I'm just gonna wing it for a little while and see what happens. It's most important that I'm actually starting to journal! I've been depressed for about 2 years now, but I really want to get out of this! Reasons for why I believe I'm depressed: 1. Have no sense of purpose/meaning in life. As in, I don't know why I'm doing what I'm doing, and this has really been getting me down. I've done Leo's life purpose course, but didn't find my purpose. I believe I need to actually experience more of life before I have a life purpose. 2. Have lost all of my friends and have no close connections anymore. I need to work on this. 3. No girlfriend, and never had one before. I need to work on this at some point, but it's not a pressing issue for me. There are other things I need to work on. 4. I'm unhealthy as fuck. I've started working out, but I need to make this an everyday sort of thing. I also eat like shit, which needs to stop if I'm to live up to my values. 5. I waste a lot of time. I watch too much TV, movies, youtube, and porn. 6. I have a heavy porn & masturbation addiction. I need this to stop, as it wastes so much time and makes me feel like an imposter. Maybe just do it once a week or something. 7. Have a horrible self-sabotaging voice in my head. I'm naturally a positive and optimistic person, but for the last couple years, I've been crippling myself with that stupid devil chattering on inside my head. I need to quieten that voice down a few notches. So I'm gonna attempt to combat this by first getting my immediate life in order. i.e Sleep well, exercise regularly, meditate everyday, clean up my diet etc. I'm also currently a university student, so as well as getting my immediate life in order, I also have the goal of getting a First in my degree (Mathematics). Habits I'm to tick off everyday: Morning habits: Meditate (20 mins) / Exercise (1 hour) / Take Vitamins / Read Me Sheet / Be Grateful / Get Inspired! Evening habits: Meditate (20 mins) / Journal. Do-anytime habits: Study Mathematics / Read a book. Anyway, lets see how this goes. ...

How will this help?! Has the experience drastically changed you?