jjer94

trust (non)issues. I've reached a point in my development where I'm learning to trust myself. No more answers from the outside. No more looking for the perfect guru or the perfect book or the perfect diet or the perfect this or the perfect that. No more trying to emulate a so-called authority like Leo. (I still love you, you big bald Buddha ) No more following strict regimens. No more restricting myself. I feel the ebbs and flows of my energy, and I align with that, because it feels good. Simple as that. The body has an amazing intelligence that knows things directly, with little need for intervention from Mind. Whenever I try to brute force things with Mind, life begins to feel Sisyphean and burdensome. I think about the past year and my desire to "heal" as quickly as possible. I tried nearly every technique in the self-help catalogue and still fell flat. That's because I wasn't aligned. I was in a state of fear - fear of failing, of not being good enough, et cetera. It's the state of "this-moment-is-not-right-and-I-need-to-get-somewhere". It's also the state in which I hate myself, because no matter how hard I try, I never "get there," so I beat myself up for that. But now that I'm learning to trust myself and the intelligence within, things are unfolding more naturally. I'm beginning to view things from the perspective that everything is right, and all "I" need to do is slow the fuck down and relax into it. The synchronicities have been uncanny as a result. Ego loves to misinterpret the Law of Attraction. It loves to think that it can acquire the objects of its desire (which are really emotional holes it's trying to fill) by simply thinking them into existence. But it's only when you release the need to have anything that you get everything - because then you are aligned. At that point, getting what you want feels more like icing on the cake. I'm nowhere near perfect at this (Haaaaaa...see what I did there!?), but I'm glad that I rediscovered my inner compass over the past few months.

donald trump tremendous. Hot damn, I've been an emotional pancake lately. After helping my dad move something, he said, "Boy, I don't like getting older. Normally I would have been able to do this alone. But my back is killing me." I had to go back into my room and cry my guts out. Why the hell would I cry about that? Because I feel his pain (also because I've been a dick, but that's a story for another day). I'm not going to disclose too much, but let's say he suffers on so many different levels and doesn't even realize. Most people who don't develop themselves psychologically do. They accept the world in which they came without an inkling of suspicion that there may be something better or beyond. They react emotionally and deny their emotions, fish for validation, fight change, defend their rigid beliefs, and create more separation. It's sad, because deep down they want the same things that we all do - happiness, peace, joy, truth, love. They just have no idea that they're actively sabotaging themselves. And there's no way I could tell them, "Hey...you know you don't have to feel X anymore, right? Like, there's this thing called the Internet, and it has a lot of information on X and lifestyle choices you can make to mitigate it...and maybe if you were just a smidgeon more open-minded and a tad more motivated..." Because their life is their life. But their ignorance is destroying the planet! Grr! But then again, why do I care so much about ignorance? Aren't I the one who said "in God's time, not mine"? Who am I to call other people ignorant, when I am probably the most ignorant motherfucker out there? There are probably a million-and-one things I do every day that promote separation and help destroy the planet. I mean, fuck, just being a human being has a negative environmental impact. Sneaky sneaky, slimy psyche. #stagegreen Anyway. From my experience, I'm convinced that true change - true conscious expansion - requires tremendous pain. I'm talkin' Donald Trump tremendous, folks. And the sad truth is, most haven't experienced tremendous pain. The flames in their office building haven't grown enough for them to get uncomfortably sweaty and whip out the extinguisher. Life is always the greatest teacher for everyone. I can shine my light, but I can also hold love and compassion - just like the ones who have held space for me. We're all at different places. And I really just wish the best for my close relationships. I really wish for them to be happy.

the ultimate alchemist. Now I finally see the emotional hyperbole. "I've always felt this way - you never gave me the time of day." "Well you never listen to me," she replies, "And I gave you many tries." Now I finally see the diagnostic dogma decree. "This was the single cause after all - Now everyone must hear my call!" "But what of this or that?" she replies, "Surely there are other ties?" I like to believe that mind knows best - Yet another circular trick from the ultimate alchemist.

Yeah... I think we all have to push through that Jed McKenna/Steven Norquist/Thomas Ligotti/Rust Cohle phase at some point in our spiritual journey. Nihilism is excellent birch bark for a spiritual fire...but it doesn't last very long. Life, on the other hand, is excellent firewood. Thank you for sharing

home is where the heart is. Less than a week ago, I went to the weekly group breathwork session that I've been attending for over a month now. This session was the most powerful one yet. I went deep into my subconscious and from the emotional sewage retrieved a delicate piece of myself that nearly drowned. I saw him repeatedly in my dreams. He screamed for my attention, and I had no way to hear him out. Finally, through breathwork, I gave him the love and attention he deserved. He was the little boy who grew up in a home environment that made him feel safe and loved. The boy who pet his guinea pigs in the playroom and set up cardboard mazes for them with sprigs parsley at the exit. The boy who played with a big tub of legos in his bedroom and fuck-you'ed the instruction booklets before he knew how to swear. The boy who listened to his walkman, who listened to his dad's stories about a magical swingset, who burrowed into his mother's arms, who went into the kitchen for a snack, who went outside to play on the swingset, who walked through the dense woods in the backyard with a sense of wonder and adventure. That boy was grieving. He wanted to go home, so badly. I told him that he can cherish the memories from his past, but his future beckons. I told him that life is change. And I told him that home is where the heart is. He continued to cry, and I coughed up mounds of mucus and started wheezing like I did back then. The move out of that house was so quick, I never had a chance to process it. The grief literally buried into my chest for years, and I lost that enamored piece of myself. Until now. I wonder about all those lovable people still suffering from depression, with their downward heads, rolled shoulders, and caved chests. I wonder if they themselves lost the home in their hearts as well. I cry in compassion and prayer, as I know a lot of them buy the western victim narrative, take long-term damaging drugs, and resort to coping mechanisms that don't serve them. If only they knew that the world is not out to get them - that instead the world is in them, and they have the power to heal if they really, really wanted it. But they will decide to turn inward in God's time - not mine. All I can do is shine my light. And the wind Nips at my heels Burn the coals The stranger’s here Waiting to shake my hand And pull, pull me down To the empty place I go What’s the use In wasting my space And biding time Life loses track He isn’t coming back In clairvoyant eyes The truth’s too hard to bear In that place Where the cut is deep Not a space To turn the head away So that is fate Well it’s too damn tall To feel is to fall Life, you two-faced bastard Allay all In the cave Repression, my friend Silent way Find the note You wrote on your battered lonely wall: “Feel the fire Or don’t feel at all” Plato’s flames Are on the stones Not a space To turn the head away So that is fate Well it’s too damn tall To feel is to fall Life, you two-faced bastard Allay all...

As for the coffee, try switching it with an herbal tea made from adaptogens such as ashwaghanda, ginseng, or gotu kola.

Kudos to you for sharing this alternative perspective on a forum of mostly vegans. Just make sure to get blood work if you're going to do this for the long haul. (Don't want to end up like Shawn Baker...) As I like to explore opposing perspectives and test things out for myself, I also did the raw meat and eggs thing. Energy levels were great, I felt strong, and my skin cleared up. Raw meat also digests really smoothly. But after a few weeks, I didn't feel quite right. I was never fully satiated, no matter how much steak or honey I ate. I had the same problem with the ketogenic diet. Then, of course, there's the constipation factor, which is never fun. Then I tested what @Solace mentioned and started to drink my urine. After a urine fast, my cravings for meat completely disappeared, and I began to crave fruits and starchy things. Naturally, I gravitated back to WFPB eating (plus drinking the morning wee). We'll see how long this lasts. The diet world is a strange, strange place...

sight.

crazy lazy. I have a theory about laziness. Laziness goes way deeper than procrastination, or psychological homeostasis, or pursuing short-term gratification in place of long-term goals. Laziness = an unconscious attempt to prevent dissolution of the persona and emergence of the authentic self. I define the persona as the wounded ego - the inauthentic role we play as default. Persona is not just a thought - it's also the way you carry yourself; your aches and pains and body tensions; your energetic holding pattern; your subconscious programming; your life history; your life narrative; and a million other things. The first basic objective of spirituality is to break down the persona so that the authentic self emerges. I define the authentic self as your effortless, God-given, spontaneous personality. General laziness is far from lazy; in fact, more energy is required to be lazy than to not be. First off, when someone is lazy, he is likely sitting for long periods of time, which is not a natural position for the human body. He's likely watching television or doing something stimulating in front of a screen, which is information overload for the brain. He's likely eating garbage food, which takes a lot of energy to digest. These things already tax his energy. But wait...there's more! (Call now and we'll double the offer!) A lazy person also expends ridiculous amounts of energy repressing his emotions and maintaining physical stiffness in the body. If he got off his ass, he would stir up the body tensions that carry these emotions. If he gave himself time and space to feel through these emotions, parts of himself would die and the authentic self would emerge. In the short run, life would be hellish and emotionally laborious. In the long run, however, life would be more vibrant, spontaneous, and connected. Since stage orange western culture encourages the persona and discourages the authentic self, we see people who slave away at jobs they secretly hate so they can go home and be lazy: Physically stiff, mentally distracted, and spiritually constipated to prevent dissolution of the persona and emergence of the authentic self. Perpetually disconnected from themselves with no idea that there's more to life than the grey mundane. They may be exposed to alternative healing modalities, but their belief systems prevent them from exploring further. If these people have no tools to deal with their physical, energetic, and spiritual tensions; if they are surrounded by people who also don't take responsibility for their inner space; if they are part of a culture and belief system that encourages surviving and not living; then of course they will be lazy. Can you really blame them?

was this all in vain? Tweet, blip, flash, repeat. Swipe, high, low, tripe. Too many bytes for consciousness, too many mights to second guess. We made a ghost to scare away the pain, but now it is hungry. Was this all in vain?

feeling feelings under felt fabric feelings. Life has been emotionally murky lately. My true feelings feel like they're feeling trapped under a felt fabric of...more feelings. That's one of the many weird parts about being an INFP - most of the time, I have no idea what I'm feeling. Or I'm feeling multiple positive and negative emotions simultaneously. On the one hand, I like where I am and what I'm doing. On the other hand, I feel so disorganized with myself, as I generally still don't know what the hell I want. Underneath the ditsy distractions is a storm of uneasiness. And let me tell ya folks, the distractions are never-ending. Stimulation after stimulation. Two years of meditation under my belt, and I still can't access concentration for more than a minute. Lately, I've been turning attention outwards. I wrote a song the other day, the first one in months, which was fun. Singing is more fun now that my voice is fuller from all the yoga. Also, yet another diet change, which has had huge effects. What can I say... I'm always exploring new shit. In the meantime: still refining my values, still doing the daily practices, still yodeling at the moon.

Two words: Instant Pot. You can make glorious freezer meals on a Sunday using this tool.

hypocrisy and honesty. Welcome folks to our brand-new show, Hypocrisy and Honesty, where we get to tear apart self-deceptions like some old tax returns! Our first contestant...well, our only contestant thus far...is a timid fellow. We had to badger him repeatedly to join the show, but we're glad to have him here. Please welcome...JJ! Uhh, hiya. Hey there, chimp! Ready to bare it all? I'm not sure what you mean by "all," but okay. Try me! Allllllllll rightey then. First stop...hypocrisy! Let's see if we can bring one into the light... *injects truth serum* Ow! I forgot how much needles can hurt. Does this shit have mercury in it? Because...I...I...I say I'm mostly vegan and a minimalist and care about the environment...even though I flush the toilet seven times per day, take a shower every other day, drive a car, support organic monocrop agriculture, still eat a few animal products, use the washing machine, wear merino wool, produce two bags of trash per week, and drink reverse osmosis water. Oh, and I've thought about having kids twenty years down the line. How's that for environmentally friendly? Ohhhh MAN! Now there's some hypocrisy, folks! Just look at the genius-level deceptions this JJ fellow makes! Focus on veganism and minimalism for those special identities...even though you do a million-and-one other unsustainable environmental practices that cause suffering nonetheless! Wow-wee! This is some Illuminati-level shit here! It seems like no matter how hard I try to minimize suffering, no matter how hard I try to be sustainable... I will never be perfect. The "suffering-free" vegetables I ate were grown in the soil of dead decaying animals and plants. The shelter in which I live relies on the fuel of dead dinosaurs. It's all connected. Wherever I take a step, I make a carbon footprint. I can minimize the footprint, but I can't get rid of it completely. If I could, I may as well be dead. D'aww. That one's gotta hurt. Okay, onwards to some honesty. Let's get some more in there... *injects truth serum* Ow! Would you be a little gentler! I...I...I say I want the Truth with a capital "T." I say enlightenment is my end goal. I think that's the most important thing for my life. And yet, when I wake up in the morning, I usually dread the Kriya Yoga practice. I usually dread meditation. I kind of like yoga, but I dread it sometimes too. Even after the practices, I'm frustrated. Sometimes, I just go through the motions, you know? Like, if I could just prolong my stay here...if I could just keep things as they are...then I wouldn't have to feel so much pain. I could pretend as though I'm getting somewhere, even though I have yet to set the intention to truly move forward in my practice. The spiritual practices mean nothing without the deep commitment to change. And lately, I haven't felt it. I don't know where it went. Maybe I need another near-death experience. What have you been up to lately? Well...wasting time until time wastes me. Not making decisions on where I want to go, and instead using the excuse of the Universe to guide me. I'm addicted to Youtube, to vanity, to keeping things as they are. I'm afraid of change. I'm afraid to die. Based on my behaviors lately, I'd rather domesticate myself than face myself. Whenever I get the "gist" of something, I move on to something else. I can't seem to stick with anything. My brain's reward systems are fried. I don't really know what I want, and I subconsciously don't even think I deserve to get what I want. Whoa-ho-ho-ho! Now there's some honesty, folks! He can't handle the Truth! Look at the slumping shoulders! Look at the self-doubt! This poor guy's a poster child for those cheesy coming-of-age movies! Aww, JJ, it's okay to feel this way. I'm glad we helped you bring it to the light. Maybe some crying would do you some good. Or perhaps a nice long walk. Or maybe some more truth serum--- Nah, I'm good on the truth serum. Alllllllll rightey then, folks! That concludes this week's edition of Hypocrisy and Honesty! Tune in next week for another tussle with self-deception! Are we off the air now? Phew, okay. This wool sweater was making me hot. I'm hungry. Throw that porterhouse on the grill, would ya? And get my Hummer ready for the return trip. You may need to fill it up with a few more gallons of premium. Now excuse me, I'm going to take a nice long cold shower.

ignorance.

uh. Uhhhhhhhhhhhh......... Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.......... No, not a zombie. In fact, quite the opposite. TOO MUCH energy. The more I trust my body, the more energy I have. The more I follow my cravings...the more I crave myself? Uhhhhhh........#nonsense So I checked off another few bits of the list from the first post, and I've acquired new information from the practices of self-and-body awareness. Here's what I got: A new friend! Wooooohooo! And a fellow INFP. I haven't gone out of my way to initiate a "hang out" per se, but we get along swimmingly whenever we're together. Our small talk only consists of a couple sentences, and then we delve straight into topics such as our emotional hang-ups and the psychological implications of technological advancement. Straight to the point. I like it. I like... Joy. JOY. After a long six-month winter, the sun finally says, "Welp, guess I should get to melting this snow, huh?" THANK YOU, SUN. You are my light and love. Even if you give me the cold shoulder for more than half the year, I still love you. But hot dayum, without you, I am as depressed as an overfed dog. At least I'm... Letting go of my internal pressure cooker. You know, the one that says, "Butlifepurposewhatyagonnnadoyoulazypieceofshitlookateveryoneelsebecausesurelythey'rehappierthanyoursadass...." The anxiety is leaving my body, and I'm starting to enjoy the day-by-day a little bit more. I'm easing up on life purpose, as I expect the Universe will help me uncover it in due time. In the meantime... Jorrrrrb. I applied. I plan to stay here for the summer and work. That'll be good practice for me, since I suspect I'll be doing lots of odd jobs in the future, given my flighty nature. I have ideas for online work, but they're simmering alongside the... Oats. Motha fuckin' oats. I found a way to make them so that I don't get brain fog: Soak them overnight with a dash of apple cider vinegar and a small amount of buckwheat flakes. Adding in wild blueberries, cinnamon, hemp seeds = God mode. Eating them this morning was like hugging a long-lost friend. The texture, the add-ons, the pure energy...MMM! I've also been doing morning smoothies, which are excellent as well. They are my new... Addiction. Still plenty of backsliding. Currently addicted to Youtube and the Internet in general. My attention span is worse than a monkey's. Wait, what's that? Kind of looks like a...

@Danielle Thank you for sharing. I know that one - the feeling that you were born into the wrong family. But I suppose we had to go through those hellish times yesterday in order to become who we are today. You're a brave soul <3 Life: the school of hard knocks; where in order to live it, you have to die. Repeatedly.

the self.

@zenjen Welcome back. We're all cheering for ya!

Whoa.

This. So much this. I know this was just my interpretation, but the way Leo presents the concept of "Life Purpose" makes it seem as though there is some ultimate destiny we have to fulfill, some huge impact we have to make on the world. For me, life purpose had this extreme sense of duty - I HAD to uncover this supposed life purpose, else my life would amount to nothing. I had to choose that ONE THING - and stick to it for ten thousand hours so I could become world-class at it and everyone could love me and I could meet the Dalai Llama and get twenty million Youtube views and be featured on Oprah. Then I'd be fulfilled. Just another ego game. Wanting to control outcomes, wanting to be someone. Truth is, all of life amounts to nothing, and any supposed "impact" never lasts. As Jed McKenna says, the universe can be ours only when we become no one in particular. Like you described, I discovered that life purpose is really a process that unfolds organically as you remove that which is inauthentic to you - old beliefs, traumas, attachments, etc. This takes awhile. But when you continually remove the inauthentic self, what emerges is the joyful authentic self - and that authentic self will naturally be inspired to do something, anything, no matter the fact that the sun will explode one day. The authentic self is so happy that it wants to express its happiness in some form. Like @electroBeam said, it doesn't have to be "spiritual guru." Your life purpose could be trash collecting, bird watching, or board game collecting. (And for folks with ADHD like me, it definitely won't be "one thing" .) Impact comes as a side effect of being your authentic self... and authenticity cannot be forced, only uncovered.

Well said. @BobbyLowell "NO ONE UNDERSTANDS ME" -----> "People should understand me." A great opportunity to do The Work.