jjer94

home is where the heart is. Less than a week ago, I went to the weekly group breathwork session that I've been attending for over a month now. This session was the most powerful one yet. I went deep into my subconscious and from the emotional sewage retrieved a delicate piece of myself that nearly drowned. I saw him repeatedly in my dreams. He screamed for my attention, and I had no way to hear him out. Finally, through breathwork, I gave him the love and attention he deserved. He was the little boy who grew up in a home environment that made him feel safe and loved. The boy who pet his guinea pigs in the playroom and set up cardboard mazes for them with sprigs parsley at the exit. The boy who played with a big tub of legos in his bedroom and fuck-you'ed the instruction booklets before he knew how to swear. The boy who listened to his walkman, who listened to his dad's stories about a magical swingset, who burrowed into his mother's arms, who went into the kitchen for a snack, who went outside to play on the swingset, who walked through the dense woods in the backyard with a sense of wonder and adventure. That boy was grieving. He wanted to go home, so badly. I told him that he can cherish the memories from his past, but his future beckons. I told him that life is change. And I told him that home is where the heart is. He continued to cry, and I coughed up mounds of mucus and started wheezing like I did back then. The move out of that house was so quick, I never had a chance to process it. The grief literally buried into my chest for years, and I lost that enamored piece of myself. Until now. I wonder about all those lovable people still suffering from depression, with their downward heads, rolled shoulders, and caved chests. I wonder if they themselves lost the home in their hearts as well. I cry in compassion and prayer, as I know a lot of them buy the western victim narrative, take long-term damaging drugs, and resort to coping mechanisms that don't serve them. If only they knew that the world is not out to get them - that instead the world is in them, and they have the power to heal if they really, really wanted it. But they will decide to turn inward in God's time - not mine. All I can do is shine my light. And the wind Nips at my heels Burn the coals The stranger’s here Waiting to shake my hand And pull, pull me down To the empty place I go What’s the use In wasting my space And biding time Life loses track He isn’t coming back In clairvoyant eyes The truth’s too hard to bear In that place Where the cut is deep Not a space To turn the head away So that is fate Well it’s too damn tall To feel is to fall Life, you two-faced bastard Allay all In the cave Repression, my friend Silent way Find the note You wrote on your battered lonely wall: “Feel the fire Or don’t feel at all” Plato’s flames Are on the stones Not a space To turn the head away So that is fate Well it’s too damn tall To feel is to fall Life, you two-faced bastard Allay all...

As for the coffee, try switching it with an herbal tea made from adaptogens such as ashwaghanda, ginseng, or gotu kola.

Kudos to you for sharing this alternative perspective on a forum of mostly vegans. Just make sure to get blood work if you're going to do this for the long haul. (Don't want to end up like Shawn Baker...) As I like to explore opposing perspectives and test things out for myself, I also did the raw meat and eggs thing. Energy levels were great, I felt strong, and my skin cleared up. Raw meat also digests really smoothly. But after a few weeks, I didn't feel quite right. I was never fully satiated, no matter how much steak or honey I ate. I had the same problem with the ketogenic diet. Then, of course, there's the constipation factor, which is never fun. Then I tested what @Solace mentioned and started to drink my urine. After a urine fast, my cravings for meat completely disappeared, and I began to crave fruits and starchy things. Naturally, I gravitated back to WFPB eating (plus drinking the morning wee). We'll see how long this lasts. The diet world is a strange, strange place...

sight.

crazy lazy. I have a theory about laziness. Laziness goes way deeper than procrastination, or psychological homeostasis, or pursuing short-term gratification in place of long-term goals. Laziness = an unconscious attempt to prevent dissolution of the persona and emergence of the authentic self. I define the persona as the wounded ego - the inauthentic role we play as default. Persona is not just a thought - it's also the way you carry yourself; your aches and pains and body tensions; your energetic holding pattern; your subconscious programming; your life history; your life narrative; and a million other things. The first basic objective of spirituality is to break down the persona so that the authentic self emerges. I define the authentic self as your effortless, God-given, spontaneous personality. General laziness is far from lazy; in fact, more energy is required to be lazy than to not be. First off, when someone is lazy, he is likely sitting for long periods of time, which is not a natural position for the human body. He's likely watching television or doing something stimulating in front of a screen, which is information overload for the brain. He's likely eating garbage food, which takes a lot of energy to digest. These things already tax his energy. But wait...there's more! (Call now and we'll double the offer!) A lazy person also expends ridiculous amounts of energy repressing his emotions and maintaining physical stiffness in the body. If he got off his ass, he would stir up the body tensions that carry these emotions. If he gave himself time and space to feel through these emotions, parts of himself would die and the authentic self would emerge. In the short run, life would be hellish and emotionally laborious. In the long run, however, life would be more vibrant, spontaneous, and connected. Since stage orange western culture encourages the persona and discourages the authentic self, we see people who slave away at jobs they secretly hate so they can go home and be lazy: Physically stiff, mentally distracted, and spiritually constipated to prevent dissolution of the persona and emergence of the authentic self. Perpetually disconnected from themselves with no idea that there's more to life than the grey mundane. They may be exposed to alternative healing modalities, but their belief systems prevent them from exploring further. If these people have no tools to deal with their physical, energetic, and spiritual tensions; if they are surrounded by people who also don't take responsibility for their inner space; if they are part of a culture and belief system that encourages surviving and not living; then of course they will be lazy. Can you really blame them?

was this all in vain? Tweet, blip, flash, repeat. Swipe, high, low, tripe. Too many bytes for consciousness, too many mights to second guess. We made a ghost to scare away the pain, but now it is hungry. Was this all in vain?

feeling feelings under felt fabric feelings. Life has been emotionally murky lately. My true feelings feel like they're feeling trapped under a felt fabric of...more feelings. That's one of the many weird parts about being an INFP - most of the time, I have no idea what I'm feeling. Or I'm feeling multiple positive and negative emotions simultaneously. On the one hand, I like where I am and what I'm doing. On the other hand, I feel so disorganized with myself, as I generally still don't know what the hell I want. Underneath the ditsy distractions is a storm of uneasiness. And let me tell ya folks, the distractions are never-ending. Stimulation after stimulation. Two years of meditation under my belt, and I still can't access concentration for more than a minute. Lately, I've been turning attention outwards. I wrote a song the other day, the first one in months, which was fun. Singing is more fun now that my voice is fuller from all the yoga. Also, yet another diet change, which has had huge effects. What can I say... I'm always exploring new shit. In the meantime: still refining my values, still doing the daily practices, still yodeling at the moon.

Two words: Instant Pot. You can make glorious freezer meals on a Sunday using this tool.

hypocrisy and honesty. Welcome folks to our brand-new show, Hypocrisy and Honesty, where we get to tear apart self-deceptions like some old tax returns! Our first contestant...well, our only contestant thus far...is a timid fellow. We had to badger him repeatedly to join the show, but we're glad to have him here. Please welcome...JJ! Uhh, hiya. Hey there, chimp! Ready to bare it all? I'm not sure what you mean by "all," but okay. Try me! Allllllllll rightey then. First stop...hypocrisy! Let's see if we can bring one into the light... *injects truth serum* Ow! I forgot how much needles can hurt. Does this shit have mercury in it? Because...I...I...I say I'm mostly vegan and a minimalist and care about the environment...even though I flush the toilet seven times per day, take a shower every other day, drive a car, support organic monocrop agriculture, still eat a few animal products, use the washing machine, wear merino wool, produce two bags of trash per week, and drink reverse osmosis water. Oh, and I've thought about having kids twenty years down the line. How's that for environmentally friendly? Ohhhh MAN! Now there's some hypocrisy, folks! Just look at the genius-level deceptions this JJ fellow makes! Focus on veganism and minimalism for those special identities...even though you do a million-and-one other unsustainable environmental practices that cause suffering nonetheless! Wow-wee! This is some Illuminati-level shit here! It seems like no matter how hard I try to minimize suffering, no matter how hard I try to be sustainable... I will never be perfect. The "suffering-free" vegetables I ate were grown in the soil of dead decaying animals and plants. The shelter in which I live relies on the fuel of dead dinosaurs. It's all connected. Wherever I take a step, I make a carbon footprint. I can minimize the footprint, but I can't get rid of it completely. If I could, I may as well be dead. D'aww. That one's gotta hurt. Okay, onwards to some honesty. Let's get some more in there... *injects truth serum* Ow! Would you be a little gentler! I...I...I say I want the Truth with a capital "T." I say enlightenment is my end goal. I think that's the most important thing for my life. And yet, when I wake up in the morning, I usually dread the Kriya Yoga practice. I usually dread meditation. I kind of like yoga, but I dread it sometimes too. Even after the practices, I'm frustrated. Sometimes, I just go through the motions, you know? Like, if I could just prolong my stay here...if I could just keep things as they are...then I wouldn't have to feel so much pain. I could pretend as though I'm getting somewhere, even though I have yet to set the intention to truly move forward in my practice. The spiritual practices mean nothing without the deep commitment to change. And lately, I haven't felt it. I don't know where it went. Maybe I need another near-death experience. What have you been up to lately? Well...wasting time until time wastes me. Not making decisions on where I want to go, and instead using the excuse of the Universe to guide me. I'm addicted to Youtube, to vanity, to keeping things as they are. I'm afraid of change. I'm afraid to die. Based on my behaviors lately, I'd rather domesticate myself than face myself. Whenever I get the "gist" of something, I move on to something else. I can't seem to stick with anything. My brain's reward systems are fried. I don't really know what I want, and I subconsciously don't even think I deserve to get what I want. Whoa-ho-ho-ho! Now there's some honesty, folks! He can't handle the Truth! Look at the slumping shoulders! Look at the self-doubt! This poor guy's a poster child for those cheesy coming-of-age movies! Aww, JJ, it's okay to feel this way. I'm glad we helped you bring it to the light. Maybe some crying would do you some good. Or perhaps a nice long walk. Or maybe some more truth serum--- Nah, I'm good on the truth serum. Alllllllll rightey then, folks! That concludes this week's edition of Hypocrisy and Honesty! Tune in next week for another tussle with self-deception! Are we off the air now? Phew, okay. This wool sweater was making me hot. I'm hungry. Throw that porterhouse on the grill, would ya? And get my Hummer ready for the return trip. You may need to fill it up with a few more gallons of premium. Now excuse me, I'm going to take a nice long cold shower.

ignorance.

uh. Uhhhhhhhhhhhh......... Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.......... No, not a zombie. In fact, quite the opposite. TOO MUCH energy. The more I trust my body, the more energy I have. The more I follow my cravings...the more I crave myself? Uhhhhhh........#nonsense So I checked off another few bits of the list from the first post, and I've acquired new information from the practices of self-and-body awareness. Here's what I got: A new friend! Wooooohooo! And a fellow INFP. I haven't gone out of my way to initiate a "hang out" per se, but we get along swimmingly whenever we're together. Our small talk only consists of a couple sentences, and then we delve straight into topics such as our emotional hang-ups and the psychological implications of technological advancement. Straight to the point. I like it. I like... Joy. JOY. After a long six-month winter, the sun finally says, "Welp, guess I should get to melting this snow, huh?" THANK YOU, SUN. You are my light and love. Even if you give me the cold shoulder for more than half the year, I still love you. But hot dayum, without you, I am as depressed as an overfed dog. At least I'm... Letting go of my internal pressure cooker. You know, the one that says, "Butlifepurposewhatyagonnnadoyoulazypieceofshitlookateveryoneelsebecausesurelythey'rehappierthanyoursadass...." The anxiety is leaving my body, and I'm starting to enjoy the day-by-day a little bit more. I'm easing up on life purpose, as I expect the Universe will help me uncover it in due time. In the meantime... Jorrrrrb. I applied. I plan to stay here for the summer and work. That'll be good practice for me, since I suspect I'll be doing lots of odd jobs in the future, given my flighty nature. I have ideas for online work, but they're simmering alongside the... Oats. Motha fuckin' oats. I found a way to make them so that I don't get brain fog: Soak them overnight with a dash of apple cider vinegar and a small amount of buckwheat flakes. Adding in wild blueberries, cinnamon, hemp seeds = God mode. Eating them this morning was like hugging a long-lost friend. The texture, the add-ons, the pure energy...MMM! I've also been doing morning smoothies, which are excellent as well. They are my new... Addiction. Still plenty of backsliding. Currently addicted to Youtube and the Internet in general. My attention span is worse than a monkey's. Wait, what's that? Kind of looks like a...

@Danielle Thank you for sharing. I know that one - the feeling that you were born into the wrong family. But I suppose we had to go through those hellish times yesterday in order to become who we are today. You're a brave soul <3 Life: the school of hard knocks; where in order to live it, you have to die. Repeatedly.

the self.

@zenjen Welcome back. We're all cheering for ya!

Whoa.

This. So much this. I know this was just my interpretation, but the way Leo presents the concept of "Life Purpose" makes it seem as though there is some ultimate destiny we have to fulfill, some huge impact we have to make on the world. For me, life purpose had this extreme sense of duty - I HAD to uncover this supposed life purpose, else my life would amount to nothing. I had to choose that ONE THING - and stick to it for ten thousand hours so I could become world-class at it and everyone could love me and I could meet the Dalai Llama and get twenty million Youtube views and be featured on Oprah. Then I'd be fulfilled. Just another ego game. Wanting to control outcomes, wanting to be someone. Truth is, all of life amounts to nothing, and any supposed "impact" never lasts. As Jed McKenna says, the universe can be ours only when we become no one in particular. Like you described, I discovered that life purpose is really a process that unfolds organically as you remove that which is inauthentic to you - old beliefs, traumas, attachments, etc. This takes awhile. But when you continually remove the inauthentic self, what emerges is the joyful authentic self - and that authentic self will naturally be inspired to do something, anything, no matter the fact that the sun will explode one day. The authentic self is so happy that it wants to express its happiness in some form. Like @electroBeam said, it doesn't have to be "spiritual guru." Your life purpose could be trash collecting, bird watching, or board game collecting. (And for folks with ADHD like me, it definitely won't be "one thing" .) Impact comes as a side effect of being your authentic self... and authenticity cannot be forced, only uncovered.

Well said. @BobbyLowell "NO ONE UNDERSTANDS ME" -----> "People should understand me." A great opportunity to do The Work.

hatha yoga: a six-month review. Six months? Really?! As I wrote in my previous review, hatha yoga has been the single best decision I've made over the past twelve months (along with taking LSD, of course ). Words cannot describe all of the changes that have occurred from a daily hatha yoga practice... but I'll do my best. For starters: Anxiety. Around 80% gone. I still get it in social situations sometimes, but otherwise, I'm as cool as a sweaty-ass cucumber. That don't make much sense. Depression. Greatly reduced. My mood is generally more stable. I won't put a percentage because I've found that depression is mostly diet-related. Energy. Through the fucking roof. I don't get the dreaded "afternoon slump" anymore. No coffee, no uppers, no nothing. Digestion... Uhhm, maybe too much information... But let's just say that the digestive highway has much less traffic than before. Fewer junk food cravings. I never thought I'd crave vegetables! Due to cultivating body awareness, I can tell the difference between a bodily craving and a psychological craving. I am also more aware of satiation and don't overeat as much. Strength. A different kind of strength compared to lifting weights. Yoga strength is a full-body strength. I'm stronger because my body is more like one unit rather than separate muscles. I'm stronger also because I've released tons of body tension, which allows the ch'i/prana/lifeforce to flow through my body unhindered. Speaking of ch'i... I feel it coursing through me all the time. It's fun! Cold hands and feet...are now warm more than 50% of the time. My feet sweat after a flow session. Sweaty feet...Mmmmmm... Anyone have a foot fetish? Emotional reactivity. Reduced around 50% - No joke. This was the most surprising effect of yoga. The quirky shit that people do doesn't really bother me anymore, and anything that does happen to bother me, I notice it right away and see it for what it is: a silly judgment that says more about me than the person I'm judging. I still have daddy issues, but I am triggered much less. Posture. WOW! Much better, but still could use some work. I figure as I continue to build self-esteem, my shoulders will naturally roll down more. Voice. Again, deeper and more resonant. I can tell that whenever my voice gets squeaky, I'm in an anxious state, so I've learned to relax even in mid-conversation. Non-doership. Most of the time feels like the yoga practice is doing me. I've been able to bring that sense of non-doership into casual conversations. Overall happiness. It's a three-for-one package: physical exercise, emotional therapy, and spiritual prayer. How could that not raise overall happiness? Will I continue hatha yoga practice for the foreseeable future? Yes. I recommend it as a supplement to all spiritual practice and inner work - especially for those people who really don't like to exercise. It's also great for meeting like-minded people, since yoga studios are ubiquitous nowadays.

@Leo Gura I don't mean to be dramatic, but I probably wouldn't be on this Earth today if not for your videos (and your book list - Jesus Christ). Thank you dearly for your work. You set a great example for all of us here.

organization mode. This is a stretch, but bear with me; my mind makes ridiculous connections. Upon studying MBTI, I learned that one of the ways INFP's cope with emotional stress is to go into organization mode. They try to organize something or solve an apparent issue until it's juuuuust right, and then they move on to the next problem. This leads to overstimulation, burnout, and ultimately depression. I suppose you can call it a form of perfectionism. Every epoch of my life, I've done this in one form or another: Organizing my bedroom until it was spotless, and then getting butthurt when my brother or dad moved something out of place to tease me. Min/maxing addiction in video games. This was the worst one. In school: completing homework assignments right away; getting projects done way before the deadline; getting straight A's; getting butthurt over "bad" grades (that weren't really bad). Starting out in PD: adhering rigidly to to-do lists, routines, habits, etc., and then getting butthurt when my routine was disrupted. Starting out in music: trying to write a song per week, being self-critical when the song didn't sound good the first time. Starting out in spirituality: trying to stop my thoughts (lol); trying to be the spiritual police; participating in the spiritual olympics. Orthorexia (current issue): planning out every meal; non-stop thinking about food; living to eat; reading a bunch of conflicting books on diet and changing my diet every two days because I want the most optimal diet. Media addiction (current issue): looking for that "perfect" Youtube video to watch, then only watching a couple minutes of it and scrolling down to read the comments instead; always searching to fill the void. Healing addiction (current issue): trying to rush the mind-body healing process by being extremely gung-ho about it; went a bit too far with the psychedelics at one point; insistence on trying Ayahuasca even though I'm probably not ready yet. Decision paralysis (current issue): having a million different ideas of what to do with my life, but can't take action; waiting for the perfect opportunity to come to me; trying to pound a square peg into a round hole. I drew a divination card today that said "Yin" - in other words, be receptive. Seems like the right thing to do for now. I'll continue this media fast and see what comes up. On a side note, I'm also letting go more on my diet. I'm done following any particular diet, especially keto. I'm so sick of planning my fasts and wondering whether I'm in ketosis or not. I'm just going to be intuitive and follow my body's cravings.

cutting and bulking. Last weekend, I celebrated my birthday... even though there is no one to have a birthday, and I was never born. #neoadvaita #stopseeking #butwhyismylifestillshitty #noworries #problemsdontexist In all seriousness, it was rough. I did breathwork earlier in the day (more on that in another post), which stirred the emotional melting pot and brought it to a simmer by dinnertime. My dad asked me a question that made me think about the year in review, and that triggered intense grief. I had to leave the table after cake in order to cry my guts out. This year (April 2017 - April 2018) has probably been the most hellish year of my life. From staying in that moldy studio apartment all alone, to quitting the day job, flopping on that blog thing, to having a not-so-great family trip, to losing twenty-five pounds from an eating disorder, to crashing at the parents' place, to quitting weightlifting, to spending an entire lonely winter in frigid temperatures being the only twenty-something within fifty miles, to having several tussles with suicidal ideation, to being diagnosed with ADHD, to quitting guitar... I have lost so much. On the flipside... From starting kriya and hatha yoga, to reading a shitton of books, to extended meditations, to finding a community of like-minded folk, to discovering new healing modalities, to improving my mental clarity twofold, to gaining back all the weight, to losing ~80% of my reactive tendencies, to reducing depression and anxiety by ~60%, to improving my communication skills, to being more self-honest, to peeling back the layers of self... I have gained so much - mostly intangibles, which is why I tend not to notice how far I've come. The journey has been arduous, but I'm glad that I've persevered. Due to all the loss, I've reached a point where I genuinely cannot find a single way to define "me." Not even as JJ, writer, musician, researcher, awareness, consciousness, "I Am". I look at a picture of myself, and all I see is a body. The person that I used to be is dead. Even the concept of a "person" makes little sense anymore. All I see, is Intelligence. The Intelligence that makes this heart beat and urine flow is the same Intelligence that is moving these fingers on the keyboard, the same Intelligence that is thinking these thoughts, the same Intelligence that is operating in every other human being whether they realize it or not. And it's awe-inspiring.

life.

missing pieces. A subtle agitation simmers my bones on the journey to elsewhere. It gives me falsifiable energy like a sugar high - easy to inspire yet easy to die. Pieces to the puzzle of "me" are missing, and the empty slots scream with covered mouths. In the meantime, I wonder if I am just one of those faulty puzzles that comes with missing pieces.

checking the list. Ahhh. You know that feeling of alignment? Like you're on the iron rails, and the Universe is pushing you along? Like you have unwavering faith that you're going somewhere, even though you have no idea where? I've been feeling that lately. It's a fun feeling. Life feels like an adventure game again - which is my preference, considering my video game addiction in the younger years. Who knows how much those things molded my psyche. A few months ago, I probably would have said that I wish I never picked up that first video game when I was 6, because then my psyche wouldn't be so screwed up. But nowadays, I could care less. Might I say I'm actually grateful? I wouldn't be who I am today if not for all of those supposedly "bad" things from the past. The psyche is an expert at creating narratives, especially ones of victimhood. While surely it's trying to protect itself and maintain psychological homeostasis, wouldn't life be more colorful if it took all of that creative energy and funneled it outwards? Anyway, I already checked off a few of the items from the list in the first post: I found some work that's eerily in line with my values. Although it is volunteer, intuition says it'll lead somewhere. The people there are amazing too. I feel bouts of joy here and there. I haven't had a major depressive spell for several weeks, as you can probably tell from the lack of dramatic soap opera posts. Boohoo! I feel more comfortable being in this body, but I generally feel uncomfortable, because my circumstances are shifting. I figure that's a good thing.