jjer94

an imperfect sculpture. That quote sums up my thought process these past few days. For three days in a row, my sleep has been worse than a drunk college undergrad on holiday. Here's how it goes: I retire to bed early, but I struggle to fall asleep even with an acupressure mat on the back of my head. The other community members are unconsciously loud, and I can't wear my earplugs because my ear canals are scabbed from too much ear plug usage. Because I have a very sensitive nervous system, any little noise bothers the shit out of me and my frustration keeps me awake. I wake up at around four in the morning, and both leaders of the community are already awake at this time, scurrying downstairs and making more noise. I'm able to fall back asleep at around six, but I have to interrupt my sleep again due to the seven AM morning meeting. I have one theory for the insomnia, as this is a rare occurrence for me. I think it's liver dumping, as 1. I'm consistent with my detox protocol and 2. the liver kickstarts its detox process at around four in the morning, and every single time I wake, I feel an aching pain underneath my right ribs. But this is besides the point. The point is that I'm suffering. I feel like I'm going through the motions, that I'm unable to perform at my best, that I "feel so tired but can't sleep," as Chris Martin sings. A slew of different emotions are flooding my system like waves of zombies that threaten to bite me but decide to run the other way. So I guess that's the one good part of this ordeal: I now have the emotional resilience to embrace and let go of most negative emotional baggage that threatens me. I still suffer, though. In this perspective or "dimension" of consciousness known as the Human Condition, suffering is hard-wired into our experience. Therefore, in order to enjoy this experience, we must enjoy suffering to a certain extent. "Well that fucking sucks," says ego. "I don't want to suffer. It's too much. Ohh look, a shiny [insert distraction here]!" Autopilot mode re-activates. And in those brief, special moments of clarity when the distractions stop working, ego once again faces the truth of suffering. With enough exposure to the suffering, ego can finally say, "Well that fucking sucks! Oh well. That's life." I feel like I'm starting to reach that point. The Universe is slowly cracking me open with a chisel, and I'm learning to surrender to the vulnerability of being an imperfect sculpture.

the worst of both worlds. I said in the last post that I have an avoidant attachment style, but that's not entirely true. It's actually both anxious and avoidant. I still resonate with all of the bullet points from the previous post; they're just not the full story. According to Attached, this book I started yesterday, three to five percent of the population has the anxious-avoidant attachment style. I'm a rare pokemon! But I'm one of the shitty rare pokemon, like Omanyte. They include a questionnaire in the book. Of all the statements provided, I scored thirteen for anxious and seven for avoidant. Here are the statements along with some commentary: Anxious: I often worry that my partner will stop loving me. I fear that once someone gets to know the real me, s/he won't like who I am. Social anxiety all through childhood. I've only recently been able to almost completely eliminate it through all of my PD work. When my partner is away, I'm afraid that s/he might become interested in someone else. When I show my partner how I feel, I'm afraid s/he will not feel the same about me. I think this is toxic shame more than anxious attachment. In all of my previous experiences with women, I assumed that they didn't like me as much as I liked them because I believed I was fundamentally unlovable. I think about my relationships a lot. ...When I am in one. I tend to get very quickly attached to a romantic partner. When I first hit it off with someone, my mind can't stop thinking about her. It's actually quite painful. I am very sensitive to my partner's moods. During a conflict, I tend to impulsively do or say things I later regret, rather than be able to reason about things. Happens rarely nowadays, but in the past, definitely. I worry that I'm not attractive enough. Yes, even as a man. I am vain as hell. If I notice that someone I'm interested in is checking out other people, it makes me feel depressed. This is a big one. My possessiveness towards the partner can spiral out of control. I've improved significantly throughout the years, but I can still feel down when the partner seems to be interested in other people. If someone I've been dating begins to act cold and distant, I'll worry that I've done something wrong. If my partner was to break up with me, I'd try my best to show her/him what s/he is missing (a little jealousy can't hurt). I think this is what motivated me to do a lot of stupid things in the past. Instead of following my joy, I followed my vindictiveness. Avoidant: My independence is more important to me than my relationships. I do prioritize my alone time more than relationship time, partly due to my being mostly introverted. I prefer not to share my innermost feelings with my partner. I find it difficult to depend on romantic partners. I find it difficult to depend on anyone! I sometimes feel angry or annoyed with my partner without knowing why. Especially the case with my first girlfriend. It makes me nervous when my partner gets too close. Fear of intimacy. I miss my partner when we're apart, but then when we're together I feel the need to escape. Sometimes when I get what I want in a relationship, I'm not sure what I want anymore. No wonder the previous dog I housesat triggered me so much. He exhibits the anxious attachment style, which I've repressed in myself because I was brainwashed to believe that being overly needy was a bad thing. It's also no wonder I fail so much in the realm of relationships, especially the romantic kind. They take me on an emotional rollercoaster where all of my anxious and avoidant neuroses come to the surface and sabotage the romance like Denny from The Room. I'm emotionally turbulent enough as a single dude; adding romance is a whole 'nother level of crazy. I like crazy, though. It adds some spice to the (mostly) bland potato that is life. And the fact that I'm spending so much time thinking about romance and all my neuroses goes to show that I have much work to do in this domain. Cool, more stuff to do! But how to work on this domain in a small northern town in the middle of nowhere in sub-zero weather is another story. As always, the obstacle is the way. I feel drawn to pursue the things in life that have emotional charge, and I'm not surprised. Consciousness wants to remove all contractions so that it may continue to expand. wither and bloom like we all do, soon enough cover me up with your love scratches from the branches we took our chances, sure enough i am brambles but i am tangled in your love bullet holes, bullet holes, all patched up and headed home... silver and gold precious stones, so i’m told aw, we’re clutching, but there ain’t nothing we can hold bullet holes, bullet holes, all patched up and headed home... drifting, passing through until we all fall, we all do in the meantime, come and cover me up i’m all patched up and headed home...

dismissive-avoidant avoidance. ...But wait, there's more! Call now and we'll double the triggers! I've been thinking more about my time with that dog—in particular, how averse I was to his neediness and his cuddliness. I would be a terrible parent. Kids are clingy, lovey-dovey, dependent creatures, and I appear to be the exact opposite. Then again, I was a lovey-dovey cuddly toddler. What happened? After sifting through some old book notes, I re-discovered Attachment Theory. It's the psychological idea that we can either develop a secure or insecure relational pattern with our parents during childhood, depending on whether they were able (or unable) to meet our needs in certain ways. There are three main insecure attachment patterns. The dog represents the anxious-preoccupied pattern, while I mainly exhibit the dismissive-avoidant one. I know, I know, Wikipedia's not a legit source, but this description of dismissive-avoidant describes me to a tee: No wonder... I gravitate towards solitary activities like video games, reading, writing, songwriting, extreme diets, meditation, and contemplation. I gravitate towards spirituality for my connection needs: "If no other human can love me, then maybe God can love me." I gravitated to Leo's teachings, who says "deal with it" in response to loneliness on this journey, who encourages independence and being a pioneer. I am so self-centered and hardly care about the feelings of others around me. I don't prioritize relationships or getting a girlfriend. I hated calling friends for playdates in childhood. I broke up with my overly clingy girlfriend senior year of high school. I find difficulty in expressing my true feelings to others in real life, and have a much easier time writing them in forum posts. In response to conflict, I become distant and aloof. I can't remember much from childhood. I feel like I can do everything on my own. I avoid asking for help as much as possible, and I typically use indirect strategies like complaining or sulking. Yet another theory to add to my psychological toolkit that goes to show the importance of fulfilling Maslow's lower needs before pursuing the higher ones. And get this. I asked a community member this morning if she knew anything about Attachment Theory, and she gave me one of the most popular books on the subject! It's called Attached. by Amir Levine and Rachel S. F. Heller. Looks like I have some studying to do.

needy needle-poking. This fucking dog is triggering me to no end. He's behaviorally worse than the previous dog I housesat. Yet this time, I see it for what it is: an opportunity to love more. In fact, I almost look forward to getting triggered, because those triggers are precisely the things I repress in myself. The theme of these triggers is neediness. I define neediness as the neurotic tendency to manipulate others in order to meet certain needs, typically having to do with self-esteem, validation, and/or emotional comfort. This is the neediest dog - no, the neediest creature - I've ever met. He cannot lose sight of me, or else he wails in anxiety. He can't go outside to pee alone most of the time, and when he does, he rushes the job in order to return inside and cling to me. He butts his head in my hand when it's exposed, because he wants to be pet. He stares at me intently whenever I eat. And when I do leave for errands and whatnot, he wails and sometimes vomits from the separation. This is undoubtedly a shelter dog with separation anxiety. The other dog in the house died a month ago, so he's a little more anxious than usual. With this context, I can accept his behavior on the surface and hold some compassion for his situation. But his needy qualities make me want to chuck my phone against the wall and scream fuckenacious. That's because I am very needy and can't accept that aspect of myself. Reading pick-up books and talking to my brother in my teenage years convinced me that neediness is a plague of man, so I repressed my own neediness for a long time. Of course, it still slipped through the cracks, and all of my romantic interests saw right through it and rejected me. The icing on the cake was my first girlfriend, who expressed interest in me first and gushed over me like...well, a needy puppy-dog. I was so turned off that I had to break up three months later. And whattya know, this dog's neediness bothers me. I've worked through a lot of my own neediness these past few years, but it appears I still have some work to do in accepting this aspect of myself. I'm really starting to get a handle on my emotions now. I can ride them like waves, brushing my hands against the passing water while avoiding falling into them. The keys to remember in any triggerful situation: Breathe, be mindful, and know that like the weather, this too shall pass.

excuse bankruptcy. This was one of my favorite holiday seasons with my family. It was surprisingly untriggerful, which made it wonderful. (I guess untriggerful is a word now.) As I learn to accept myself and all of my ridiculous quirks, I learn to accept my family and all of their ridiculous quirks. Hard work, indeed. Not the kind of work most people envision when they hear the word "work," but quite possibly the most important work for every human being in order to maintain sanity and some semblance of happiness in this apparently broken world. The further I venture on this Journey to Anywhere, the more I feel like a clueless belligerent idiot. I mean, seriously, what the hell is going on here? Life is pointless, we're all going to die, yet I have this endless drive to live and fulfill my "soul contract," and I can't use nihilism to justify inaction anymore because it's too painful to do so? Well that's annoying! Now I have to deal with my annoying projections and spend every annoying excuse from the Excuse Bank® until I'm bankrupt of any other annoying excuses. Some bearded dude told me there's happiness after excuse bankruptcy, but I'm not so sure anymore. 2019 is a year of action. My New Years resolution is to come out of hiding. No more excuses, no more (metaphorical) clothing; I'm going fully naked this year. More specifically, that means starting a website and/or having a social media presence, local gigs, and generally coming out of the closet. This terrifies me to no end, which is precisely why I need to do it. Due to the intense resistance of this change, I've been a hot emotional mess lately. Lots of self-doubt, self-deprecation, crying, releasing, aggression, body tensions, and even creativity. All par for the course. I learned that my personality needs a sense of physical safety in order to integrate all of these emotions, which the intentional community provides. However, I don't know what will happen in three months or so when I run out of cash... I can't escape this. This is the time when the risk to remain tight in the bud is more painful than the risk it takes to blossom. And if being blossomed means being a clueless belligerent idiot - so. fucking. be it.

ignorance's ignorance. Within the next few hours, I will begin my annual week-long "vacation" with the family. I put "vacation" in quotes because...well... you know. Spending time with a family who doesn't value personal growth is like walking through a candy store with a bunch of bickering children. It's fun in limited doses. I don't mean to bash my family; I do love them dearly and my gratitude grows every day towards all of them. Whether Edgar Cayce was right and I did choose my family unit, I still see how my family line substantially influenced (and influences) my psychology, my energetics, and my circumstances. A year ago, I had so much rage towards my entire family. But now I see that I would not be the person I am today if I didn't go through the wonderful moments and the hellish tribulations with them during childhood. Not to mention the luxury of growing up in an upper-middle class town... As I sleep in my sleeping bag on a hard loft, poop in an outhouse (without a bidet), add wood to the wood-burning stove, skip showers for days at a time, and face financial challenge at this intentional community, I realize just how much I took my childhood amenities for granted. I'm directly experiencing ignorance's ignorance: Ignorance is ignorant of the fact of its own ignorance. I do feel remorseful about my ignorance, but I can't beat myself up for not truly appreciating what I had during childhood, because I never experienced anything different. Happy holidays to everyone on this forum. May you be blessed. And watch out for the brown-trimmed gingerbread house. That's not icing.

Hi @Samuel Rdz , Thanks for thinking of me! You can find the next chapter to my journey here. I plan to continue the writing indefinitely. I hope all is well with you. Cheers, JJ

Chapter 3. I wondered how long it would take before I slithered my way back into journaling. Two weeks. Not bad. This was my first incarnation, at the birth of the forum: That JJ guy had a few awakening experiences and immediately latched onto the spiritual ego like a baby on his mother's breast. He wanted to proselytize everyone around him to join "Group Consciousness," a coalition against all sleepwalkers. He preached from the bible of Neoadvita, using poetic Jed McKenn-an lines such as "There's nowhere to go," "Life is play," and "Stop seeking." Little did he realize, the group leader himself was an unconscious dimwit. Whoops! And then, the second incarnation: After realizing that initial spiritual awakening was not a cure-all for chronically low self-esteem, that JJ guy almost killed himself through orthorexia, an unhealthy obsession with healthy eating. He stopped running from the grief, the shame, and the anger of past hurts - and proceeded to fall apart. Back and forth, back and forth, he oscillated from immense love to immense hopelessness. He was standing at the edge of oblivion, looking down at the gaping hole, pondering about meaning and what to do next. But the Universe found many ways to save his life, whether through a yoga pose, a song, a book, or a few lovely forum members. He thought he wanted to be a musician. But after being immersed in the field for a few years, the motivation waned. Idealistic blinders removed, he made one final effort to publish five songs. And that was that. I haven't picked up the guitar or sang in a few weeks. The musician in me is dead, and I'm currently in the grieving process. Now, it's time to get real. I've had some profound awakening experiences. I have agape moments - those moments where you are so grateful to be alive that it tears your heart to pieces. But I still commit spiritual procrastination every day. I know the path (i.e. real life), but I avoid walking it. Nonono, let's not sugar-coat this with, "There are no such thing as problems, because #nonduality! Just contemplate! DOI DOI!" Been there, done that. Definitely helps to have that perspective, but if I want to be somewhat human again (which I think is preferable to being a nondual drunk-on-emptiness camel), I think it's a good idea to be as honest as possible with myself and re-establish balance in my life. Issues: Chronically low self-esteem. I spent most of my young adult life being bullied and sucking up to others. Now I subconsciously believe I'm unworthy. I also believe that I don't deserve to get what I want. Hence the spiritual ego, hence the desire for purity in mind, body, and spirit. Chronic social anxiety. I'm years behind in my social skills. I notice my subtle body contracts whenever I'm around people. I feel like I'm being judged all the time. Knee-jerk depression. It's 50% gone since I re-introduced meat back into the diet, but I still have some lows here and there. Being an INFJ and HSP, especially in a society that wants everything opposite to my personality. I judge myself harshly and beat myself up for not being like everyone else. ADHD. Again, tweaking the diet's helped a ton with this. Supporting myself financially. Uhhhh, what's a jorb? Body tensions. Improved a lot since starting hatha yoga, but still terrible posture, back pain, and psychosomatic issues. I don't know how to be a friend. No, seriously. I have acquaintances, but virtually no friends. I don't reach out to people, not even my brother. I don't know how. Sexual repression. Likely due to past heartbreaks and weird Freudian shit in childhood. Living in a town surrounded by old retirees as a twenty-something. Desires: I want to feel comfortable in my own skin. I want to love myself as I am. I want to be comfortable around everyone. I want to be as open as possible. I want to serve others. I want to feel joy again. I want to find my place. I want to be able to commit to things and focus without abandoning ship at any sign of failure. I want to choose what I watch on Youtube instead of the other way around. In the meantime, I'd like to have an enjoyable day job that doesn't sap my energy, so I can support myself. I'd like to feel like I'm actually in my body and not feel like an alien. Having a friend scares me and feels too labor-intensive, but I think it would be nice to try. I'd like to try dating again at some point. I want to live on my own again. I likely missed a couple things, but they'll appear later in this journal. Now is the time to learn how to do this adult human thing, one small step at a time. Now is the time to go from point A to point B. Now is the time for a journey to elsewhere.

character profile: leonardo da gura. Age: 42.424242424242 Build: Lanky Kong Job Title: S.D.P. (Spiral Dynamics Proselytizer) Nationality: Russalian (Rush-alley-en) Notable ancestors: Leonardo da Vinci Mother tongue: Russian Likes: Nuance, futurism, intellect, beards, long walks on the border of psychedelic insanity Dislikes: Most people, ice cream trucks, your grandma Habits: Meditation, mindfulness, consumption of healthy vegetable soup, 68 supplements every four hours Addictions: The logos, 5-LeO up the bum, netflix and red-pill Favorite quote: Peace is death Education: Post-post-post-post-undergraduate Fears: Missing out, losing consciousness, dying before beard grows to gandalf proportions Preferred greeting: Heeeeeeeeeeeeey How to upset: Flick nose repeatedly while meditating; disregard Spiral Dynamics; put yoga mat in blender; argue that Trump is more evolved than Obama Quotes: 1 2 3

For me, I find the opposite. The things I've been the most hell yeah about, I've sustained. I consider the hell yeah to be that inner-soul/higher-self/intuitive yearning. Of course, there will always be days where everything sucks and it's all hell no. But when the emotional dust clears, what remains is the hell yeah. It almost sounds too good to be true, which is why I love it. For less extreme idealistic personalities, I think you're right, though Be excellent

square pegs and round holes. Arrrrghhh! Time to walk the plank on this one. Dammit, I was hoping I could run away from myself just a little while longer... Deep down, I knew that starting this health coaching program was not "hell yeah" for me. It was more a "Let's-do-something-so-I-don't-feel-like-a-loser-in-mother's-basement yeah". I spent a sluggish month deliberating whether or not to drop the large sum of money for the program. The fact that it took me so long to decide, along with the fact that my decision came from someone else's opinion of the program, demonstrates to me that my decision came from fear-based ego, not love-based authentic self. I've undoubtedly learned a ton about different diets, mind/body connection, counseling people, following the body's intuiton... but good lord, I am not a coach. I hate that word. Coach implies someone who arranges all of the logistics, who is passionate and oo-rah-rah, who is an excellent accountability partner... and I'm not that at all. I'm the one who slinks off towards that mountain in the distance and returns to drop off a bunch of goodies as a byproduct of personal transformation. I can hold space for people, but I don't cheer for people. I could care less about logistics and accountability...and quite frankly, the fact that someone would even need accountability shows that they don't want their desires badly enough. Personal transformation happens by yourself, with yourself. Of course, that's my opinion, coming from an extreme personality. I recently discovered that my star sign is Aries, which explains my brash anti-herd mentality, my pounding square pegs into round holes, my competitive spiritual ego, my naive idealism, my extremist dieting, my struggles with relationships, and my solitariness. As I release those crusty egoic blockages, I see more and more this ram-like energy busting out of me. A ram doesn't coach; a ram leads by example. That's why I gravitate towards songwriting, writing, and more solitary creative activities. I feel like I'm here primarily to document my own journey of awakening in artistic fashion, rather than try to guide other people on their journeys. A shame, indeed, that it took six months and a decent amount of money to figure this out...and I still have six months to go on this program. Who knows? Maybe things will change, and I can use this certificate in some other way. Reminder to self: If it ain't hell yeah, it's no.

stoking the inner fire. I love this wood-burning stove. I'm sitting next to it as I write. The warmth is like a blanket that hugs my chest and shoulders. A blanket, however, is an instigator of heat, not a source of heat. I've learned that the truly warming fire must come from within. Whenever I feel a perpetual internal coldness - where my extremities lose their heat and my lower body goes numb - no matter how much I sit in front of the fire, I can't get warmer. In that situation, the things that get me warmer are uncomfortable activities that open my body's energy channels and release any unconscious tension that ultimately cause the internal coldness. These activities for me are deep breathing, yoga, qi gong, and cold showers. As I stoke my inner fire and release bodily tension, I notice that I need fewer external sources of warmth. Of course, part of it has to do with the fact that my body's adapting to winter weather. But compared to last year, I have fewer perpetual cold spells. I can wake up, pull myself out of my toasty sleeping bag into the forty-degree room, and start the fire without any chills. I'm even doing fine with cold smoothies in the morning. The reason I mention this topic is because I feel like my retrieving this internal source of heat is a reflection of my journey into manhood. The boy always needs his momma - someone (or something) to lean on and suck the energy without giving anything in return. The man, however, no longer relies on any external energies and produces his own for himself and his surroundings. The boy takes; the man gives. The boy needs; the man wants. The boy externalizes his mommy; the man internalizes and becomes his own mommy. This transition from boy to man is grueling. I feel like I'm being torn to shreds. I'm kicking and screaming on the inside as I continually let go of my external attachments. The Universe's big desires for me are superseding my little desires, so it feels like I'm continually not getting what I want, even though this process of losing is exactly what I need. The Universe wants to make something of this body and this life, so it's going to release everything blocking its way, whether the "little I" likes it or not. The boy needs this stove; the man enjoys this stove.

LOL! That was Ziggy in a nutshell. Dude, thanks for the link! I have it bookmarked so next time I decide to journey, I'll try it out.

the super-secret society for super saiyan woke af individuals. A few days ago, I was endowed the ability to go Super Saiyan. Whenever I turn it on, my hair goes blonde, my clothes morph into robes from a seventh-century kung fu dojo, my voice booms the thunder of a thousand storms, and I can shoot energy balls from my hands. I'm still working on shooting them from my ass, though. That requires some training. Okay, okay, all of that is an exaggeration except for the last part. I had a level 1 reiki attunement that enabled my body to transmit the reiki energy through my hands for self-healing purposes. Now my hands are constantly humming and vibrating with glowy goodness. What analogy would best describe how this feels...hmmm... it's like having two low-power electric toothbrushes duct-taped to either hands, 24/7. I feel like I took the red pill, and now I fell down the energy healing rabbit hole. Even though reiki is a very prevalent modality, I feel like I'm an initiate of this super-secret society for woke af individuals, and I'm not even that woke, bro. This is so cool! I can access this energy at any time when I need it. I can vivify my food with it, balance my chakras with it, and even quicken my bowel movements with it. I'm still learning the ropes, though. I'm like Neo, when he first enters the Matrix lucid and is completely distracted by that girl in the red dress. More on chakra balancing. Part of the attunement process involves a 21-day chakra cleansing - three rounds of seven days, where each day I focus on one of the chakras. That means, I dedicate my yoga practice to the designated chakra, I eat foods that match the color of it, I do a self-reiki session on it, et cetera. I'm currently at the end of day two, and so far so good. I coupled my self-reiki today with a massage and an IR sauna session (I'll dedicate a separate post for that), and I had some pretty intense releases. But the more I do this work, the more I can ride them out with ease. Working on these lower chakras is crucial for me, as I'm finally beginning to feel like a resident in my body rather than an alien who crash-landed in this body. Seriously, that's how I felt most of my childhood. I didn't really "get" this whole human thing, and how to interface with the world. The world hardly felt safe to me. My body was bathed in perpetual adrenaline even though the threats were merely rubber duckies. Though in the grand scheme of things, all threats are rubber duckies. So this Super Saiyan thing is yet another side project I'm working through amidst my million other side projects on this Journey to Anywhere. Everything will add up at some point...it will all come together and I'll see the big picture and see how it all fits together and... Ahh, JJ. It's time to take a break, play with the buzzing of those electric toothbrushes in your hands, and enjoy Ocean for the 239th time.

smacks on the face for youtube and pizza. I just had an out-of-the-blue idea regarding regulation: Harmony within the self-system is a macrocosm of harmony within government. They work pretty much the same way. A government that passes too many regulations will result in chaos due to excessive legal constriction. When a system is too constricted, it will want to compensate by going the other way. On the other hand, a government that has too few regulations will also result in chaos, because without some restraints, the citizens go down a slippery slope. Someone who puts too many regulations on himself - i.e. nofap, meditate one hour per day, write goals, visualize, affirmations, yoga, and if you take one peek at Youtube you get a smack on the face and require two more hours of meditation - will eventually relapse and rebel with a pizza and some Youtube. On the other hand, someone who doesn't regulate himself enough - i.e. who allows himself to do anything without constraint because "I'm already enlightened," "Just go with the flow, bro," or some other excuse - will have the same result; the ego snowballs. I tend to under-regulate. I don't set enough rules and boundaries for myself, and as a result, I have difficulty with focus and discipline - especially in regards to mastery and life purpose (hence the title of this journal ). Fortunately, this is auto-correcting itself with awareness and meditation, and I'm learning how to set healthy boundaries with myself and with others after years of being a puppy-dog-hair-littered doormat. Now more than ever, I'm also able to be self-critical (sometimes in a joking way like I just did) and point out my faults without going into the downward shame-spiral narrative. The point when I don't need to self-regulate anymore is when there is no shred of illusion of self to regulate. Until then, my game is to have enough rules and boundaries to keep ego in check, and enough flexibility to keep ego satisfied. Now, excuse me while I surf Youtube and get my groove on without smacking myself in the face and meditating for two hours.

guinea pigs under the great deku tree. Yeah, I've been putting this off. I wonder why. Maybe because my needs for community and creativity are being met elsewhere? Anyway. Shamanic journeying. I have no idea whether my visualizations are alternate dimensions or subconscious psychobabble, but honestly, it doesn't matter. What matters is that I'm growing through it. Shamanic journeying has made me feel a little less alone, and it's given me profound guidance. So what is it? Basically, I listen to rattle and drum tracks that supposedly bring me to a deeper brain state (Theta?) and allow me to convene with power animals and spirit guides. A year ago, I was not open to this modality whatsoever. I knew someone who did it, and my mind was boggled: power animal? Sacred garden? What the hell is this voodoo nonsense? Now excuse me as I return to my Do Nothing meditation. But one person I met recently gave me a book on shamanism and now I'm open-minded enough to give it a go. I'm really glad I did. My first exploration was focused on discovering my power animal. The power animal is kind of like your spirit animal - a guide that helps you with your life path at any given time. The power animal can change, and you can have multiple power animals. So I learned that my power animal is... *drumroll*... the guinea pig. This post on a random blog describing the purpose of the guinea pig really resonates with me: I find it peculiar that these are precisely the qualities I'm trying to embody at the moment: I unintentionally stopped all animal product consumption a month and a half ago due to loss of craving, and I'm eating crazy amounts of fruit and veg. (More on that in another post.) I am practicing groundedness through yoga, qi gong, and daily mindfulness of body tensions, especially in the sphincter area. I make sure to stay consistent with brisk exercise like walking, yoga, and manual labor. One of my intentions here is to acquire quality friendships and learn how to be a friend (you know the saying: in order to have a friend, you have to be a friend). What's also coincidental is the fact that I owned six guinea pigs throughout my childhood...which brings me to my next point. On my next journey, I went through my sacred tree, walked down the stairs, and discovered that one of my guides is Ziggy, the third guinea pig! I couldn't stop laughing when I saw him sitting like a boss on his guinea pig pedestal. I could sense his jovial nature as well. Before telling me the theme of my next ceremony (which was on friendship, very fitting), he told me that the reason he died from a tumor on his abdomen was because of the pesticides in the parsley that I fed him every night. The way he communicated that to me was not harsh or blaming - rather, more like "no hard feelings." I could sense that he didn't take life too seriously. Last night, I performed the ceremony on friendship that he requested. I entered the tree (which my mind visualizes as the Deku Tree from Ocarina of Time, by the way ), walked down the stairs, and reconvened with Ziggy. Surrounding me and him were around a hundred squeaky adorable little guinea pigs. That experience reawakened within me old feelings of community and connectedness that have been dormant for many years. It was incredibly cathartic and insightful. I discovered that those feelings come not from others' company, but from my degree of authenticity/openness with myself amidst others' company. In other words, outer connectedness comes from first connecting with my inner authentic self. Like I said, even if all of this is in my head, I love the idea of having inner guides like Ziggy that support me on every step of my Journey to Anywhere. I feel just a little less alone. I'm going to keep experimenting with shamanic journeying and post any other noteworthy insights here.

the arm twister week. This week was stickier than a thousand-year-old cumrag. More emotional than a histrionic bipolar single mother who is a naughty librarian by day and an acrobatic busker by night. Heavier than yo mama. Okay, I just had my fun for the week. That's reassuring, considering the past seven days have been an arm twister. The maelstrom began on Monday when I had to drive through a snowstorm at 6 in the morning to get some bloodwork done in another town, and I almost crashed into a snow plow on a bend. My brakes locked due to ABS, my vehicle lost control, and my crumple zone gave way to some railings next to the road. I still haven't gotten an estimate yet for the damage, but let's just say it could have been much worse... Oh. Then I lost my spare key that day, somehow. So more expenses on top of the ones I already have. The next evening, I saw the married girl again at a meetup. A firestorm of feelings came up, none of them being attraction. There was immense love and respect, but underneath it was a fiery pit of rage and jealousy for the fact that she has her sexual needs met, and I don't. In fact, I don't have, like, any of my needs met right now in the relationships department. After some digging, I realized that there's still plenty of spiritual ego lurking in my psyche. Which leads to the argument I had with my brother, where it felt like we were almost parting ways by the end of the conversation. After hanging up, I don't think I've ever cried that hard before...or should I say, howled. A demon possessed me momentarily, I lost consciousness, and I beat a pillow to death in a fit of rage. Poor pillow...better him than another human being, though. ...Which again leads to my experimentations with shamanic journeying. Ohh man, I need to dedicate a separate post for it. Then there was Thanksgiving, where I felt like a black sheep. My opinions are so different now from my mostly-conservative family that I tend to keep my mouth shut around them and instead give them what they want the most: a listening ear, or what I call yin-love. The core wound of my family is "not being heard," so they weren't conversing with each other, but rather, waiting for their chances to speak. Yesterday, I helped tend the fire in a sweat lodge ceremony, which was a cool experience, but I didn't quite resonate with it. Afterwards, I helped a friend with an errand, but her car battery died, so I had to help jump start the car in the snowy cold in an airport parking lot with no one else around. Sounds like the beginning of a horror movie, but it turned out to be more of an adventure, and I actually enjoyed the unpredictability... Until I woke up this morning with a stuffy nose, sinus headache, and achy joints. My immune system couldn't take the beating any longer and finally surrendered to my arch nemesis, Mr. Strep T. Cockus. With a name like that, he should enter the porn business. Right now, I feel like crying out of joy and pain simultaneously, laughing out of comedy and tragedy simultaneously, and groaning out of excited expectancy and frustration simultaneously. It's weeks like these that bring you to the Ouroboros, where the Universe twists your arm so much that your emotional battles are lost in the same spirit with which they are won, and you ultimately experience a form of emotional Oneness.

I'd say food consciousness really begins to develop at stage orange. Orange people (especially silicon valley people) tend to love low-carb because it allows for intermittent fasting and improved cognitive functioning, which frees up time to focus on achievement-oriented goals. There's little to no thought about the source or quality of the food. When people transition to Green, they begin to worry more about the source and quality of the food they eat. They also begin to consider the moral issues behind eating animal products. This is where they either opt for grass-fed/pasture-raised animal products, or they ditch them entirely. Then, if they research the link between diet and higher states of consciousness... they enter the borderline orthorexic phase: Fasting, colonics, raw foods, detox, sattvic diet, etc. In the orthorexic community, I tend to see leftover narcissistic residue from Orange. A lot of vegans think they are doing it for the animals, when really, they are doing it for their own health and longevity. The reduction to harm to animals is just a bonus. I haven't reached Yellow yet, but my guess is that they ditch all food dogmas entirely and eat intuitively and mindfully. Most of them probably eat vegetarian with the occasional animal food here and there. Another dimension to consider is the conservative vs. liberal type. Conservatively-minded people tend to gravitate towards Weston A. Price/paleo/keto/GAPS/carnivore style diets because they are based on traditional ways of eating that supposedly align with (at least part of) the human specie's evolutionary history and physiology. Liberally-minded people tend to gravitate towards vegetarianism/veganism/raw food style diets because they are forward-thinking and bring into account new environmental, scientific, and physical factors when it comes to diet.

baby face. I've had a lot of success relaxing into my meditation practice by using a quick visualization. It should work with any style - follow-the-breath, Do Nothing, SDS, zazen, the list goes on. Here it is: As someone whose mind is wilder than most, I've found this visualization to be especially helpful lately for anchoring me into the practice.

facial armor. I learned recently that I smile too much. Yes, there is such thing. You ever meet those people who have a smile plastered on their face all the time when you talk to them? The people who laugh at all your jokes, even when they weren't that funny? It's like you're talking to a mask, because you don't even know the real person behind all of the endless smiling. (A good example on youtube is this girl.) I realize that I use smiling as a defense mechanism. I was rejected and ostracized so many times in the past that one of my ways to compensate was to be super nice and smile at people in conversation. Being a smiley, accommodating people-pleaser guaranteed that I'd have a lot of acquaintances and avoid ostracization...at the cost of having true friends and true connections. I became the one who was always lonely, even when I was well-liked by everyone. One of my intentions in this chapter is that "I want to be totally relaxed in conversation and exude the energy of 'I am worthy to listen to; my words matter; I am comfortable with myself,'" and part of being totally relaxed in conversation is being totally okay with not smiling all the time. With an exercise of awareness, I am learning to take off the facial armor, be vulnerable, and speak my truth, even if it's something the other person doesn't like. This intentional community is the perfect time and place to do it, since I won't be ostracized. I'm shocked at how automatic the smiling happens! Then again, it is a persona I've worn for more than a decade. Awareness in mid-conversation is the key. I'll chip away at that smile, day by day. (P.S. I saw this guy in concert recently. So much fun )

Says who? I know the sentiment, too. The feeling that whatever you feel inclined to do would not be as impactful for raising consciousness as something more direct, such as Leo's content. It's a comparison mentality, which sits on top of shame - the feeling that you are inadequate in some way shape or form. Then the shame leads to soul-killing depression, because parts of yourself that want to be expressed are being de-pressed. Then life feels terribly empty and lonely. I used to feel the same way about music. I thought it was a shit field. I thought singer-songwriters were a joke, and I was among them - one of the least impactful group of people. But I realized that the most impact I could have on the world is to actualize myself, and if that means noodling around on guitar, then so be it. Creating for me is not an intention to change something; it's like taking a dump. Just something I do (preferably) every day, and if I hold it in for too long or tell myself it's not important enough, I get pretty damn uncomfortable. That's my take on all of this. Blessings to you, and keep writing. I like your style

"Art is in essence a gift to the artist from spirit. The drive to share one's artwork with others is healthy and necessary. The gift must be given to the world. Sharing one's work completes the cycle of creative endeavor." -Alex Grey Be well

i am a responsible human being. The cold woke me last night at three in the morning like a jester wanting to play. It tickled my neck and throat and beckoned me to get up. I grunted in frustration, as the wood burning stove beside me that was supposed to provide warmth had eaten all the wood and lost its heat. Like a boss, I unzipped the dinky sleeping bag and exposed my stark-naked body to the forty-degree-fahrenheit cold (yes, I sleep naked ; but soon I'll have to wear long johns). I stumbled in the dark to find wood, threw it into the stove, and watched as the match turned into an inferno. Ceremonial yodeling ensued. Most of the community members left a couple days ago for a month-long international trip, leaving me to single-handedly tend a house. The first night in the loft was so cold that I spent half the night writhing to generate heat. This was the second night, where I decided to cowboy camp next to the wood burning stove. As I stared into the flames and warmed my body in front of that stove, I had a simple epiphany: I am a responsible human being. Like, truly responsible for the first time in my life. No blaming, no co-dependence. Financial self-reliance. A well-rounded skillset. The ability to look after myself and tend to my needs without feeling overly limited or constrained. The ability to let go of a friend out of respect for her journey. And the grit to light a fire stark naked in an abandoned house at (now) four in the morning, without complaint. Getting to this point has required a tremendous amount of surrender. Surrendering to life is not glamorous most of the time, but it's entirely necessary for everyone - whether they do it in this lifetime or the next. In the end, it's so worthwhile, because that's where the true soul growth occurs. Surrender is the bridge to alignment - that feeling that Life, the Universe, Whatever, is pushing you along some invisible rainbow road, and all you have to do is surrender some more and enjoy the ride. After my simple epiphany, I peed in my pee jar, crawled back into the oven of my sleeping bag, and let the whispy sound of the flames lull me back to sleep.