jjer94

seattle weather sunday. Listening to the radio on a Seattle weather sunday I hear the crackle of an old voice telling me not to worry - that the sun will find its way through the bedsheets of clouds and onto a blue platform from which it can announce to the world that the brightness of Truth is always shining with passive curiosity. but until then, the forecast foreshadows overcast bedsheets that tuck in the city for a noisy slumber, and the floating black suitcases outside my window make their way to the blue platform to board the tram.

being the bad guy. Life humbled the fuck out of me this week. It made me realize how little I know and how little experience I have. It put me in my place. All of the masks are off, and behind them is a scared boy who wants his mommy. A boy whose needs were never met and still haven't been met. For the past several years, I used spirituality to run away from people and from life, just how I used video games to run away from people and from life during my childhood. I was and am so afraid. I am so afraid of connection, even though I am starved for it. I am so afraid of myself, even though I want to reconvene with myself more than anything else in the world. For the past few months I've wondered why I stopped caring about goal-setting and knowing what's next. It's because none of that matters. What I most want is the feeling of being comfortable with myself, and truly knowing myself. Where that takes me is secondary. I am so sick and tired of these stupid pretentious façades that I build to protect that scared little boy. I am ready to be vulnerable. I am ready to admit that I am terrified of life, I am terrified of intimacy, and I am terrified of death. I am ready to admit that I am in pain, and I am ready more than ever to feel through it, as I am doing now. I am ready to admit that I know so little, that I've experienced so little of life, that I just want to have the same routine every day so that I can stay in my safe little bubble. I am ready to admit that I hate myself for being this way. I hate being imperfect and fallible. I hate that I hurt other people without realizing it in the moment that I do it. That girl I've been dating this summer? Nasty break-up, we had. We ping-ponged for awhile, and then last week, things got heated. I won't go into too much detail, but I will say that it has not ended well. Both of us lashed out at each other. Out of me came a needy desperation I never knew I had. I didn't realize how deeply I would feel for this one. The tears and the emotional processing seem endless. I know I'll be fine, because I take these challenges as learning and growth opportunities and I am super grateful to be humbled, as painful as this is. I'm just more worried about her. She doesn't do PD and is stuck in defensive mode, so it seems. No matter what I say, it will be interpreted through that lens. I've hurt her a lot with my emotional reactivity that comes out as a spiritual superiority complex (i.e. "I am so much more evolved than you. Here, let me send you blessings so that you can get to my level. Namaste!"). But I've even hurt her when I come from a totally relaxed, heart-centered place. So it doesn't matter what I say. In fact, saying anything else will probably hurt more than help. Why all of this hurt? Why do I have to hurt other people in order to learn my own lessons? I just have this nagging mentality in me that I want to leave people better than before they met me. It's basically co-dependency. I want them to thank me, to be happy, to be well. I can't stand when I make someone feel hurt or unhappy or victimized. It makes me feel like the bad guy, which is not something I'm used to. I've been learning how to be okay with being the bad guy through this whole ordeal. It's very unpleasant for me, as I grew up being the good boy, the straight-a student, the one without needs, the one who could just take care of himself. This is a tough part to accept. Sometimes, I do need to be the bad guy. Sometimes, I need to speak out against stuff, to stand for something, to speak my needs - even when other people disagree, even when other people hate me for it. I need to follow that inner heart-voice, because the pain of not doing so is beginning to exceed the pain of doing so. There's much more I can say (and probably will say) about my time with this girl, because my growth skyrocketed through this whole process. In the meantime, with my more relaxed nervous system, I shall explore new possibilities.

a journey to anywhere. This Journey to Anywhere is not really a Journey to Anywhere. There is a destination, but there is no set destination. Like an asymptote that just keeps going forever, never quite reaching the axis. The destination is Integration. I arrive at it every day, and I depart from it every day. I seek it every day, and I run from it every day. But the departing and running from it, is itself arriving at it and seeking it. Integration is taking all of the parts that have Two-ness and making them One. That is the process of Love. To push away the One and make Two is Fear. This is also Love, because only Love would allow such a thing to happen, so that the Two could play the game of becoming One again. Wherever I am, I am exactly where I need to be. There is no other possibility, and there are an infinite number of alternate possibilities, all of which are also exactly where I need to be. To be confused about this is to be rightly so; that is the point. Otherwise, the Journey would be Known, and then there would be no Journey. Whoever I am in this moment is exactly who I need to be in order to face the next opportunity for Integration. To hate who I am in this moment is exactly how I need to be in order to face the next opportunity for Integration. To not know who I am in this moment is exactly where I need to be in order to face the next opportunity for Integration. The Journey is perfectly orchestrated to show me my next step, if I so choose it. And if I don't choose it, then my not choosing is precisely my next step. This Journey to Anywhere is really a Journey to Anywhere.

@Azote @Marc Schinkel Thank you for the kind words, guys breaking the ice. There's soooo much change in the air. It's coating my lungs like fucking car exhaust fumes - not so subtle and not always pleasant either. For one, I made the break with this girl. I'm not going to disclose too much, nor am I going to talk shit about her, because there's not much shit to fling anyways. In fact, I have almost exclusively good things to say and gratitude to express for such a growth-inducing, challenging experience. These past two months have been an emotional flurry that never seemed to end. But now, the storm is settled, and I feel that things are back to normal for me, enough so to talk about what I learned. Here's a rundown of what I learned from this brief but fiery relationship: I have masculinity. My God, the movies make intimate relationships appear so easy. But for someone more awkward than a turtle and less charismatic than a brick wall, I really had to make an effort to come out of my shell. Which is great! I needed that. I needed to be bold enough to make the moves and call the shots, in order to prove to myself that I have that Divine Masculine within me, just waiting to bloom like a shit-stained lotus flower. We live in different realities. I saw more clearly that we all live in our own realities, with our own unique narratives and beliefs. I had to be perceptive enough to be able to cater to her reality and speak to her in a way that she could fully understand me. There were times when we both got triggered and spoke from our wounded perspectives, which was incredibly revealing for me. Needs are real. A few years ago, I thought I could transcend my needs for sex, touch, human connection, and being heard through spiritual practice. Now I see that that is spiritual bypass, and it never works. We are all human. We have needs that need to be met. And if they're not met fully, we will manipulate our reality to try to meet them in covert or off-handed ways. That's what neediness is essentially: the inability to admit or communicate your needs so you manipulate the other person to try to meet them. But through this relationship, I learned precisely what I want, need, and expect from an intimate relationship - so I can communicate those things clearly with my next partner and be less likely to fall into the neediness trap. Not communicating my needs and avoiding vulnerability has become more painful to me than communicating my needs and being vulnerable enough to risk loss of the connection. Openness is important. I learned the importance of speaking the truth of my feelings as they arose. There were times where I didn't speak my truth, and it festered and made things worse in the long run. I learned that it's much better to be honest upfront, even if it hurts, than to withhold or lie in order to avoid conflict. There is a difference between love and compatibility, and love is not enough. Love has so many definitions. There's the chemical rush of being in love with someone (i.e. chemistry), and there's the honor and respect you give someone where their happiness matters just as much as yours - and neither of those are solely enough for a long-lasting intimate relationship. There also needs to be compatibility - an alignment of values, perspectives, life goals, and level of consciousness. If there are compatibility issues, they need to be addressed, else the resentment will build on both sides. I wasn't entirely compatible with this girl. We're at different levels of consciousness at different life stages, which created a rift in my mind that was not worthwhile to bridge. That doesn't mean I still love and honor her, though, because I do. Breakups are hell. I didn't realize just how strong attachment bonds could be, and what happens when they break suddenly. When I made the first break, it felt like there was this gaping hole in my life that she once filled. I was collapsed on the bed for the first couple days, unable to do much of anything. I felt such deep sadness and remorse. Oh, that's another thing! Nobody told me about the terrible remorse that happens when you break up! It's like you think, "That was the worst decision I ever made! I want her back!" When that's really a detoxification reaction that occurs in the body because it so desperately wants that connection again. Also, I realize that connection is more important than food or water, otherwise I would have had an appetite directly after it happened. The codependency is strong within me. I grew up with little to no boundaries, and I never knew how to set them, nor did I have the capability to do so because I had such cripplingly low self-esteem. Now I see just how crucial boundaries are, as well as my tendency to want to obliterate other people's boundaries so I can "rescue" them or try to save them from their pain. But their pain is their pain, and I have to learn how to accept that. I also realize that my tendency to want to uplift or rescue other people is an external manifestation of an internal desire to rescue myself from my own pain. And I think that by rescuing others, they will give me in return the love I need in order to rescue myself. But I can only rescue myself. I can only be my greatest inspiration. Nobody can do it for me. Next relationship, I will be vigilant towards my codependency patterns. Relationships are amazing. The physical and emotional intimacy that comes from romantic relationship is unlike anything I've ever experienced, and to me, it makes life that much more colorful and worthwhile. I see now why relationships are so amazing. This relationship broke the ice for me, and now I am thawing. I have nothing but gratitude for this girl for showing me all of my shortcomings, for being who she is, for bringing out past pains within me, and for having the courage to approach me the night we met. I am simply amazed at the Universe's mysterious power to catalyze my growth.

girls, poop, and gigs. Greetings, fellow Journeyers. No, I am not dead! Maybe a little dead on the inside, though. This past month was a doozy, both emotionally and circumstantially. Lots of emotional triggers, but like everything else, you just feel through it. So, what have I been doing that's made me practically forget about this journal? A number of things: Gigs. Lots of them. It took five years to actually build the courage to perform music on stage, and it paid off. My stage fright is practically gone. I feel very comfortable onstage now. And people are beginning to notice my presence in general. I'm getting invites to private parties, different venues, and stuff like that. Every single week this summer, I've had an average of three performances. This is the first weekend where I have absolutely no gigs scheduled, thank Baby Jesus. Recording rough demos of my songs. If folk with high-consciousness themes piques your interest, you can check em out here. Intentional community stuff. Though they've taken the back-burner for the most part, there's still stuff to do every day. I'm still wondering when or where I'm headed next. Reading lots of non-fiction. Like Conversations with God and Teal Swan's work. Aaaaaand how to achieve multiple orgasms as a man. That's a fun one I'm still twerking up to it, but I'm close. Songwriting. Because of all the other social media stuff and performing, I haven't had the chance to do as much songwriting. This week will be my golden opportunity. Family stuff. Needs no explanation. A girl. With relationship mastery, I am an adolescent, which probably explains why I've avoided them for about a decade. I am deathly afraid of intimacy and abandonment, which creates this strange push-pull dynamic in me that throws me off my center and drives me nuts. It's like I'm needy and avoidant at the same time. I've already fucked up several times in this interaction with her, but she is super compassionate and quick to forgive, so that's amazing. Only now do I see the power of relationships as a tool for personal growth. Your significant other is your mirror for all of your triggers. I may write about this more in a separate post. Poop. No, seriously. Poop. A combination of laziness and shyness. I'm usually a private person, and it's a strange change of pace for me to have all of this online exposure. Those who have been reading this journal since 2016 will now have the option to see my face with the link I provided, which is kind of unsettling. But hey, what the heck, let's just go for it. Will I continue to update this journal? Whenever I can or want. But I can't guarantee it will be as frequent as before. Cheers!

2. Congrats!! 4. Prozac is a bitch in that regard. 6. Yay! Wishing you well

wisdumb.

OMG, how the fuck did you know!? Your whole shpiel had me rolling. Well played. So happy for you, too, bushman!

@Azote @Natasha !!! Hi! Long time no see. Thank you, and likewise! XO

super saiyan seduction skills. Wow-wee! Oh the times, they are a-changin'. The heat is back, and so are the mosquitoes. This time of year, they fly in swarms and gang-bang you if you're not careful to apply bugspray. Unfortunately, even with the bugspray, they still gang-banged me yesterday. My butt was puckering this morning. Ohhhhhhkay, visuals aside. Here's what's going on in my life. One, I've got like 20 gigs scheduled for this summer season in the northwoods. This is such a huge disorienting change for me. I've basically spent my whole life being invisible up until recently, and receiving this much attention is totally new to me. It's taking time for my nervous system to adjust. Songwriting-wise, I've been pretty consistent. My last couple songs have been pretty lack-luster, but I think that's because I'm entering a creativity switch where I'm learning new ways to write songs. As for living arrangements, I was looking for a change of pace, so the Universe granted me exactly what I need right now. There are two main buildings at this community, and I was staying in one of them. Because someone new came for a trial period, they asked me to move into a room in the other building. I gladly accepted the opportunity. It's AWESOME! I actually have a door, and space for my keyboard, and space from some of the other community members, and an ACTUAL BATHROOM. Good lord, was I sick of pooping in an outhouse all the time. My relationships with everyone here have only improved and deepened. My relationship with my parents is the best it's ever been. They've been supporting me like crazy with my gigs, and I'm really grateful for that. There's also a new relationship that entered my life recently. She approached me after a gig, and we met up shortly thereafter. Damn... at this point in our lives, we fit like puzzle pieces. I feel like we have a lot to learn from each other. I took her on a hike yesterday, serenaded her, and used my super saiyan seduction skills to make a move It's been more than a year since I've held someone and been held, and I didn't realize how starving I was for it. Afterwards, I felt a satiation I hadn't felt in a long time. This morning, I woke up to the kindest text message I've ever received, and I cried. Receiving and gaining things is a struggle of mine, but I'm finally allowing myself to do it. For the first time in my life, I finally feel like I deserve all of this. I have a calm and collected reassurance about it. I swear, all of this has come from simply loving my own heart every single night, as well as sending blessings to everyone around me. Not meditation, not yoga, not breathing - love. Without love, none of this self-actualization stuff (or life for that matter) makes any fucking sense. I'm also beginning to realize how much of a padawan I truly am when it comes to self-actualization and spirituality. At this rate, embodiment of the highest teachings will truly take a lifetime or several. It's funny. In the beginning, I read a few spiritual books and thought I understood everything about life. Now, I've read dozens and dozens of those stupid-ass books and realize how little I understand about life, and how much more important the "littler" things like relationships and career stuff are for me right now. In other words, Life is humbling the fuck out of me. I hope all is well with you. Be excellent to each other, and party on, dudes!

@Marc Schinkel I just forgot to respond to the previous video, but yes, I do like the second one better A very pleasant start to my morning. Thank you for sharing! Seems like you're learning a lot on your walkabout. I'm really happy for ya, man. Keep up the great writing (...when you can, of course)!

everything has changed, nothing has changed. Since I'm here, I figure I'll post an update. I'm currently lying in my sleeping bag at 5 in the morning, and light is breaking the horizon. I've been up since 3:30, probably due to a combination of allergies, full moon energies, and liver detox. I like these quieter, more spacious times when I can get them, as they've been in short supply lately. My mind has been riding the Karmic Wheel lately and won't shut up...which is strange, because I feel more heart-centered than ever. Isn't that a thing to have a quieter mind when centered in the heart? Then again, if "quiet" and "noisy" really refers to how sticky the thoughts are, then my mind's been fairly quiet overall. It is the best of times, it is the worst of times. Everything has changed, nothing has changed. Overall, I'd say I'm pretty dang happy, not really because of the externals, but because I'm finally starting to feel like a resident in my body. I'm finally giving myself permission to have all of the feelings I have, even the bad ones (even though there aren't too many BAD bad ones), and boy is that a relief. It feels like breaking open a dam that's been in place for several years. I can finally say "I love you, it's okay," to myself without breaking down crying or resisting the words. I can finally do stuff out of joy rather than in the endless pursuit of someone to say those words for me. Naturally, I've gravitated to more music. It's been the background theme of my life, something I've ran from for years. But it hunted me down. I have several gigs scheduled for this summer in the small towns of these parts, and I've already done quite a few. Finally, five years of intermittent performing and I feel comfortable on stage. I'm having a lot of fun with songwriting. I've written around 25 viable new songs and have yet to record them. They're quite different from the ones I've done before, because they're not all about me. They're about other people's feelings, the state of the world, social commentary, spirituality, and basically everything I've learned from Leo. Stylistically, they're more sophisticated as well. I hope to share them whenever I feel called to do so, which may be a while because it's tough to juggle the day job, gigs, and travel. I'm still at the community (SURPRISE MOTHERFUCKER). Searching for other living arrangements felt like swimming upstream and an avoidance of my issues here. So I stopped searching, addressed all of the hang-ups I've had here, and it's much more bearable. My biggest game-changer was purchasing a white noise machine, which has dramatically improved my sleep. As for the miscellaneous frustrations, they come and go. I'm a lot less frustrated here than at the beginning. This place ain't perfect, but it's the best I've got up here, and I don't feel called to move to another city yet. I'll know when that time will come. I hope everyone's doing okay here. I know, it's hard sometimes. Life sometimes does the ol' Indian Burn, wipes our butts clean, and we're left with total confusion as we look for our old world that was just blown to smithereens. But that's intentional. While it may seem awful in the moment, in retrospect it's delicious. The beauty of this place is that no matter how hard you try to stay in place physically, emotionally, or spiritually... you'll eventually have to move. Oooohhhhkay then. On that note, let's see if I can get some shut-eye before the morning meeting.

@Marc Schinkel Gonna take you for a walk in the walkabout Thanks for sharing! This is the timbre I hope to create in my musical future - a nice mix of acoustic and electric. Those wii mote drums are pretty baller. I hope all is well

another hiatus. I sense another hiatus for this journal. Lately, I've funneled all of my creative power into songwriting, which is how I feel most connected to myself and how I believe I can best serve humanity at the moment. Stack that on top of working for the community, spring cleaning, trying to find new living arrangements, gigs, re-entering the social media world... It's left me with barely any will to write these posts. I may linger to post an update or two. There are a few things I could write, but I don't know how helpful they'd be to anyone. Perhaps my time is better used elsewhere. We shall see. Conscious evolution is a wild card; I will go wherever it leads me. To those who kindly take the time to read this, and to everyone else here: Thank you. You are no stranger to me. You are an amazing being and a miraculous creation. You deserve more love, not less. Even if you missed meditation today and broke your NoFap streak, I still love you. Even if you can't find your life purpose, I still love you. I wish great abundance, kindness, health and peace into your life. Be well.

the strange insanity of being human. Aaaaaagh, I'm scared! I'm afraid of what's to come. I'm afraid of being vulnerable. I'm afraid of admitting my flaws. I'm afraid of having deep heart connections with people. I'm afraid of my own power. I'm afraid of travel. I'm afraid of sharing my work. I'm afraid of letting go of my current trapeze bar to grab the next, and that brief span of time where I'm in mid air. But little does my body know, the trapeze bars are illusory and I've been in mid-air my entire life. Also running rampant lately are what Matt Kahn says are the four signs that transformation is occurring: frustration, boredom, confusion, and loneliness. I'm frustrated with my current living situation, bored with the work because it doesn't align with me anymore, confused about my purpose, and lonely as hell. The loneliness not only stems from the fact that conversing with people up here feels like conversing with people from a different dimension; it also comes from my reluctance to be vulnerable. I'm in a weird in-between phase where a part of me wants to move towards the next chapter, and the other part is terrified and wants to pout and stall as much as possible. Like a cicada wanting to break out of its old shell, while simultaneously wanting to stay safe and miserable inside of it. The strange insanity of being human...This is nothing new to me, though. Discomfort is uncomfortable, and that's okay. All feelings are welcome in JJ's House.

the art of not forcing anything. (...Except for this post ) Wow-wee! As of a few days ago, I am a quarter century years old. I feel like a kid, an adult, and a foolish old fart all at the same time. Probably because I am all of those things, all at the same time. Or maybe it's because I just finished binge-watching The OA and the idea of parallel timelines is fresh in my mind. I highly suggest that show for anyone who reads this journal, not only for the high-quality entertainment, but also because it touches on themes like empowerment, out-of-body experiences and psychological integration. A couple years ago, I used to be so uptight about doing "lower consciousness" activities (like watching TV, apparently) that I was my own spiritual policeman. Little did I realize, the Universe can communicates through everything, and all I need to do is be open and pay attention. For instance. A week ago I was thinking about that Matt Kahn episode where he talks about celebrating everything, since everything is just an aspect of divinity that ought to be recognized for what it is. The following day, I visited my Grandma so she could treat me to a birthday lunch. On the way to her apartment, in the hallway on one of the doors was a sign that said, "Celebrate Everything." Go figure. The night before, I decided to go to an open mic in that town because it seemed indicated. Not only was it great practice in a nice venue, but the person who books shows was there and wants to have me back for a gig. Go figure. On my birthday, a double rainbow appeared over the lake in my parents' front yard. Go figure. Two nights ago, I went to another open mic where some woman gave me a tip for one of my songs, saying it brought her to tears. Then another woman came and offered that I be a part of some festival in June. Then I was presented gig opportunities where the open mic took place. Go figure. People keep asking me for business cards, so I guess the Universe wants me to make business cards. Go figure. None of this was forced. It just happened. Life is finally happening at a pace that is comfortable for me and supportive of my healing journey, because more than ever, I am comfortable with and supportive of myself. I don't care about "getting there" anymore, whether it be enlightenment, actualizing my purpose, or achieving peak health. I have faith that things will come to me when I'm ready to receive them, and what I am until that point is perfectly okay. This is the art of not forcing anything. A few years ago, when I was in a bigger city, I tried to "get big" before my nervous system was ready. That was ego at play, trying to substitute outer fame for the lack of inner attention and self-care I gave myself. That's when the Universe put me in my place, and I hit a rock bottom. That's how I see it, at least. But what do I know? What if my ideas of "the Universe communicating to me" or "my healing journey" are made-up? They may be, but even if they are, it's fun to play with ideas. Ideas give me a will to live, and I prefer that over sulking around and playing the nihilist neo-advaitan spiritual bypassing game. What better way to hide from life and its challenges than call it a pointless illusion?

@Zigzag Idiot Why couldn't the lifeguard save the hippy? He was too far out, man!

science. Science, recite me The gospel of chemistry Science, come fill me With facts of the pleistocene I trust you wholeheartedly Science, please save me From this terrifying timeline Science, please spare me From the nothingness inside Just take my pills, go bye bye Science, please save me from noetic hacks Those flat earthers and chiropractic quacks Subjective is unverifiable Objective is unverifiable But at least we have some peers to review what’s undeniable Science, don’t tell me Who funds your incredible feats Science, berate me Please tell me it’s all in my genes Absolve my responsibility Science, please save me from superstition And crusade against intuition Subjective is unverifiable Objective is unverifiable But at least we have some peers to review what’s undeniable Like neutrons and bosons Are cooler than protons The Big Bang makes perfect sense Trimethylglycine, meet fluoxetine Neurotransmitters need some caffeine AI our savior, like Jesus with amperes Come forth, singularity Three hundred years of newtonian scripture Yet the mind/body problem persists Forget all about the New Testament tales From the Einstein and Wheeler times ‘Cause surely we don’t need to hear that The universe does not exist

past the expiration date. My memory's still scrambled eggs, but I am able to function like a normal human (for the most part). As I write this, I sense that I have nothing to write about. My memory's so gone that I can barely remember anything noteworthy that's happened over the past day, or week for that matter. Perhaps there is one noteworthy thing. My time has expired at this intentional community. I feel like I've learned all that I needed to learn here, and I'm ready to move onwards to focus on my art. I think I'll make a separate post outlining the pro's and con's of living in this community for six months, as it'll probably be a long list. My current issue is finding a place to rent. (I'm not allowed to return to the parents' place.) The Universe is not presenting me with any resonating options, so I've been kind of a sitting duck at the community, somewhat squeamish to leave. Perhaps the Universe is toying with me and waiting for me to be more content with where I am before It presents my next step. Who knows. I'm sure something will surface in the coming weeks. In the meantime, I'll keep craigslist-ing and asking friends and acquaintances. It does feel indicated that I stay in the area for the spring and summer. When it comes to musical performance, I'm not emotionally ready to tackle a bigger town. In 2017 I pushed myself way too hard in a bigger town, and it reflected in my diet and lifestyle. I burned out completely and went into a deep depression, which is why I had to retreat to my parents' small town. Nowadays, I'm respecting my body and cultivating my passion at a slower, more enjoyable pace. That's a natural byproduct of all of the self-love stuff I've been doing lately, too. I feel like an alien with this memory thing. It seems that the "depersonalization" stuck. I still have plenty of triggers and negative emotions, but they're not as heavy as they used to be. I have general sensations of self, but they're all individual strands of a web, and I see that no one particular strand of the web is "me". This stacked with the broken memory, I don't really know who or what I am anymore. It's a total mystery. And the weird part? I'm not that concerned.

Thank you for sharing that. Phew, that's reassuring. No major time distortions, but now that I think about it, 95% of the time I don't know the current date and need to look it up. I'll keep monitoring the symptomology.

why are you wearing that stupid man suit? Some weird shit happened to me, yo. A week or two ago, I had recurring depersonalization experiences. The most notable one was when I was driving home from a breathwork session in town. I realized while driving that I had no access to my memory whatsoever, so I had no idea who I was. "JJ" made no sense to me. All there was, was the sense of being a self driving on some road. But then, even that sense of self began to unravel - the sense that "I" am some entity behind the eyes controlling everything. I've seen through the illusion on many occasions, but this time felt different. This realization entered the cellular body. I truly felt like a nothing. I was a ghost in a man suit, where "ghost" and "man suit" were just light, or energy, or God, or Flying Spaghetti Monster, or everything/nothing, whatever you want to call It. I screamed and cried from the terror of the moment. The scared kid in me said aloud, Not yet! I'm not ready for this! I know I said I was, but I'm not! In response, I consoled myself like a mother would to a child, and that helped integrate the process. I knew that "JJ" would come back, and even if he didn't, what would it matter. I've surrendered my life to the spiritual path. I suppose everyone has, whether they realize it or not. Since that experience, the sense of self is back, but I've had difficulty accessing both short-term and long-term memory. I can't seem to remember at will, but memories are getting triggered from words, smells, appearances, etc., exactly when I need them. I've never felt more like a nobody, and at the same time, I've never felt more myself. Honestly, I don't really care about these experiences. I don't even care about getting rid of ego anymore. What's the point? It's like the ocean trying to remove a wave. Whatever happens, happens. I just want to enjoy every moment, even the bad ones.

trading relationships for chocolate. I've been so wordless lately, but let's give this a go. Over the past few weeks, every single time I come back to this forum and to this journal, I laugh on the inside. It's just so goofy! I flail around and dramatize the awakening process like I'm spiritual shakespeare. But something has shifted in me recently. I don't receive the same energetic nourishment that I used to, writing in the style that I wrote. Something's gotta give. Things are getting rewired in the noggin. I'm getting lazier about pretense, grammar, and trying to make sense in these writings. On some days, I feel like leaving this forum entirely. All of the "fight" and "struggle" I used to put into myself to "clear" and "spiritually purify" myself is gone now that I talk to myself in a more loving way. And now that the plate-spinning act is done, I don't scramble anymore to soak in new PD/spirituality information or even attempt to help others for that matter. Everyone is so perfectly in their own journey, I almost don't want to ruin the perfection. My journey is unfolding perfectly, too, even when it doesn't feel that way sometimes. Like I said, that hunger to seek information is gone. I'm receiving precisely the information I need to receive, when I need to receive it, and that's satisfying enough. I've never felt more relaxed and confident in myself in my life...and it's weird because my life is the most unpredictable and unstable it's ever been, circumstantially. I'm at that point where I could potentially be estranged from family and friends for going deeper down this rabbit hole. B-b-but there's candy in that hole! I see it! It's chocolatey! I like chocolate! I must go down the rabbit hole. Sorry, old relationships; I'm trading you in for chocolate. Ouch. I value chocolate more than people? ...Who doesn't? Like I said, circumstantially things are up in the air, but I've got my core habits plodding me along. I've been songwriting like CRAZY and am terrified to record and share the mountains of new music because I'm afraid of success, gaining things, and owning my power. Funny how it's a backwards thing for me. I'm not that afraid of losing because I've already lost so much, but I'm seriously concerned about gaining and receiving. Also in regards to sharing music and getting out there - I have no idea how to do those things, let alone remember where I put my wallet. But I know that things will unfold in such a way to push me towards cultivating these skills. I don't have to push it. That's probably why it's taking me more than a year to finish the Life Purpose Course - my perception is that it's all about how to find YOUR purpose all by yourself; to take the reins on your life. But in my life, my purpose is choosing me - not the other way around. My purpose is what's unfolding when I've exhausted all other options and distractions. It's what life is asking of me - not what I can gain from life. And the top ten values are things that I'm naturally beginning to exude effortlessly without having to tape them on a mirror or recite them like a military sergeant. In the meantime...this place is a training ground. A training ground...for death. DUN DUN DUN...

giving is receiving. It's Thursday evening. After a long day of errands around town, I sit in a wifi zone outside of a grocery store and work on a book assignment. Thirty minutes into my work, a haggard-looking man approaches me. He's wearing a thick construction jacket, an R2D2 beanie, and torn blue jeans. His face looks like it's witnessed three wars in succession. Every wrinkle has its place; every red eye vein has its story. The man says hi and asks how I am, but I can tell he's not interested in hearing about my problems. He's interested in divulging his own. He sits on a sofa to my right and proceeds to vent his problems. He tells me about his drug and alcohol issues, how his girlfriend left him, how he wants to kill himself, and how worthless he is. Now I see the Universe is testing me with a spiritual flash card. This couldn't be any more coincidental. Game on, I think. Immediately, I empath the man's energy and feel intense heaviness in my heart. Nonetheless, I hold loving eye contact. I tell him it's okay to feel that way. I tell him, may you be blessed with happiness. I ask how may I serve him, and offer bananas and dates in my bag. He doesn't take any of the bait and continues to release his emotional baggage. He stands up, sits across from me at the table, and drinks the shooter in his left hand. I learn the man's name and discover that he has a son who's in his ex-wife's custody, who's probably one of the reasons he's stayed alive. The recent girlfriend who broke the relationship betrayed his trust by dating someone else behind his back. He says that he wants to kill her other boyfriend, not with a gun but with a one-inch knife so that it's more intimate. The man is jobless and homeless, getting help from friends and salvation army. The man is shedding tears, and I am holding back mine as best I can. But through all of his emotional turmoil, I hold my ground and listen with as much compassion as I can muster. Due to his emotional state, the man has an extremely short attention span, but the few things that I say about my life he can relate. I tell him briefly about the few times where I was in his place of suicidal despair, and I remind him that it's okay to feel that way. He pulls out his phone and plays a bunch of music from assorted artists like Kurt Cobain and Kid Rock whose lyrics relate to his situation, and he sings along to the tunes. The conversation lightens as we talk about music and his R2D2 hat. I finally get a closer look at the man. He says he's 36, but he looks at least fifteen years older. I thank him several times for gracing me with his presence, and I really mean it. He can't accept it due to his toxic shame, and instead tries to trigger me to reflect back the story that he wants to hear by saying "fuck you" and calling me a dick. I hold my ground and keep thanking him, and finally he gives in to my affection. I sense a lifting within him, as though he just lost ten pounds. He asks me to drive him to a hotel nearby and shows me the voucher from salvation army. Half a year ago, I would have refused and felt threatened by the man. But on this Thursday, my intuition tells me to drive him, so I do. We pack our things and walk into the frigid night. He's mumbling nonsense and can barely walk. He must have drank a lot before our conversation. I direct him into the passenger seat, start the car, and carefully make my way to the hotel. I joke with the man on the drive, and he calls me funny. I sense impatience in his demeanor. Fortunately, the hotel is only five minutes away. We pull into the lot, walk inside, and the front desk man is expecting his arrival. We say our goodbyes. He asks if we can hang out some more, but I tell him that I have a long drive ahead of me and I need some rest. As a disclaimer, he says he's not gay but he thinks I'm a great guy. He proceeds to hug me and tell me, I love you. I reflect back his words. We hold sacred eye contact, as if for a second our roles are discarded and we see each other completely for what we are. I shake his hand, leave the building, and sit in my car. I can't hold it in anymore. I cry one of the most meaningful cries for one of the most meaningful nights of my life. No, it's not a cry; it's a wail. I can still smell the man's stench in the car; I can still feel his grief. I cry for him. I cry to clear. I cry for all of the people like him in unimaginable pain and anguish, with no access to the resources that I have. I cry of blessings towards these people. I cry of gratitude. I cry because I don't remember ever connecting so deeply to someone, even though he hardly listened to me. I cry of fullness. I cry of laughter. I cry because I potentially saved his life. I cry of the realization that service is the highest, most fulfilling human path. I cry because I finally, viscerally understand what people mean when they say giving is receiving.

shattered windshield, shattered perspective. Two Thursdays ago, I was walking back into the community driveway when I witnessed a tree branch snap from the weight of snow and completely shatter my car's back windshield. In a fit of rage, I kicked the ash buckets I was carrying and screamed like a lunatic as I dropped to my knees. The car was the instigator, not the reason, for my frustration. I was bottling triggers like crazy at the community; the car was just the fuse for my emotional powder keg. At that point, I said to myself: I'm done. I need a break from here. Not only do I need a break from this forum, but I need one from my life circumstances. It's funny how the Universe works. Even the misfortunes help you in the end. The car repair is finally finished, but due to the snow, I'm stranded at my parents' place until the roads are plowed. This gave me the perfect amount of time to recover and recenter from the shitstorm of this past month. I realized in my rest time that I haven't been very nice to myself, and it reflects in how stressed and contorted my body can be. My body feels stressed not because I'm unenlightened, but because I expect that some higher spiritual attainment will make me feel better about myself. It's not because my parents are demons, but because I expect them to give me the respect that I haven't given myself. It's not even because the world has inconvenienced me and my circumstances; it's because I don't see that all inconveniences are opportunities to expand. The more I immerse myself in heart-centered teachings, the more I understand my motives for following Actualized.org and watching Leo's videos. At the points where I felt the most depressed, I binge-watched Leo's videos in the hope that maybe through personal development or enlightenment, I could finally love myself. Maybe if I diligently checked the boxes in my spiritual checklist, maybe if I meditated for an hour every day, maybe if I do semen retention, maybe if I do this Kriya Yoga routine that I don't necessarily resonate with but feel obligated to do because the authority I look up to says to do it...maybe then I'd be worthy of love. The mindset was, Life is getting in the way of my awakening. I'll isolate myself, remove myself from all unconscious media and people, silence my mind, "kill" my ego, take some 5-MeO DMT, do some clearing, some more clearing, some more clearing... But when does it stop? When will it stop feeling like work? When will the fruits of my labor actualize in my life? Come on, kundalini! Show yourself! I had it bass-ackwards. Life is not getting in the way of my awakening; life is the awakening process. And the more I try to exhaust myself through min/maxing spiritual practice in order to eagerly reach higher consciousness before life has a chance to catch up...the more I stagnate on my journey. I'm falling in love with my life and my journey. I don't have the eagerness anymore to activate kundalini, or heal the body, or have an ultimate awakening experience. All of it will happen in its own time. And if it doesn't, who the fuck cares. Even when I don't feel okay, deep down I feel okay. As empty as life is right now, I feel okay. Even when my life could become emptier, I feel okay. I stopped looking for advice and decided to follow my inner guidance. I gravitate towards what energetically resonates with me, and I'm repelled from what doesn't energetically resonate with me. Sometimes, what energetically resonates is bold and uncomfortable, and that's okay. I still don't know what the hell I'm doing or how this works, but that's okay, too. Leo is an intellectual master-mind, and I respect his talents and contributions (especially this forum), but I don't resonate with his videos or teachings as much as I used to. Whatever I received from his videos, I'm receiving from life. I feel like Indiana Jones, communal living, the snowstorm, the shattered windshield, the songwriting, the gigs, and navigating others' emotional triggers has allowed me to cultivate more love and compassion than what I perceive to be obsessive completionist inner work. And once again, that's okay. Tomorrow, I return to the place that triggered me, like adult Link returning to Lost Woods after he acquires the hookshot. 'Ho boy.

@Zigzag Idiot Thank you for the kind words <3 Cheers.