jjer94

this too shall pass. (even though Gandalf thinks otherwise) The honeymoon period is over, and the depression reared its ugly head. Yesterday, I was sobbing in bed. Last night, the suicidal thoughts came back. They carried over into the morning, where I couldn't get out of bed for three hours. After breakfast, I lied down on the wooden porch outside and couldn't get up for an hour and a half. The only reason I got up was to go back inside and migrate to the bedroom. Gotta be comfortable when you're contemplating death. For the rest of the afternoon I was lying there, motionless. My feet felt like lead weights. My body refused to get up. I've never gotten this low before, and let me tell you, it's fucking weird. Now I understand people with depression, when they say that they just can't. How even when given the greatest advice, they won't follow it. Their mind and body doesn't let them. It's like being stuck in a glass coffin. You can see through the glass all the things you need to do to get better, but you can't escape the coffin. All you can really do is just lie there and surrender. I knew physical exercise would help, but my legs wouldn't move. I knew watching a funny video would help, but I had no desire to distract myself. I knew talking would help, but my vocal cords wouldn't move. No motivation to live, no motivation to die, no motivation to do anything. Just lying there. As I've learned through meditation, this too shall pass (even though Gandalf likes to think otherwise). Thoughts and emotions come and go. Nothing is permanent here. And soon enough, I got up and started to stretch and move around. Something in me changed. I was more relaxed. I was not drawn to do anything for a particular outcome. I didn't feel the need to distract myself. I just...did. For the sake of doing. For the joy of it. I haven't felt that way since I was very little. So relaxed and at ease! So present and grateful. Of course, here I am again, back to "normal" neurotic self. Who knows what'll happen in the coming weeks. Fortunately, I have some support. I sometimes wish that life came with an operations manual that could tell me how to fix this broken body with guaranteed results. Fix the throat tension, the sacral tension, the chronic constipation, the jaw clenching, the impotence, the social anxiety, the self-deficient programming, the addictions to thinking and min/maxing. It's a lot harder and a lot more frustrating to fumble in the dark and test out a million different things at once without any clue of whether they will work.

@Ludwig Thank you. Yep! I'm actually in the middle of reading Spiritual Nutrition. He and Brian Clement are the two dudes that I most support in regards to their views on nutrition. While their diet plan is my ultimate goal, I just can't do it right now in my current circumstances. I've been juicing pretty much every day, eating homemade sprouts, blue-green algae, seaweed, raw nuts/seeds, etc. but I've also been craving lots of cooked food. Also sneaking some grass-fed butter here and there, and plan to try local eggs in order to ease back into becoming fat-adapted again. No interest in meat/dairy anymore though.

minception. Okay. I have had ENOUGH. Enough of protecting this "vegan" identity. I didn't go into this diet plan for the ethical reasons. I went into it for the health reasons, and the ethical/environmental/moral reasons are a plus. But what's having some butter every once in a while going to do to me? Or an omelette? I really really crave some fucking eggs right now. More than any other animal products, it's eggs and butter... I had butter today in my millet. and it was SATIATING. I didn't have the urge to eat again one hour later, like I normally do with Starch-Solution-esque meals. I do really well with some fats, not so well with solely starches. I really don't like the low-fat diet...FOR ME. In fact, I loved being in ketosis when doing Paleo. The mental focus and energy was incredible. So what I've come to learn, especially with diet but really with all realms of life: everyone is different. There is no one-diet-fits-all. But generally speaking, "Eat real food. Not too much. Mostly plants." As stated in the book "In Defense of Food" by Michael Pollan. Some other modalities I think are worth trying too: intermittent/long term fasting, mostly raw foods, not combining protein and starch, and eating fruit alone. I'm so sick of restricting myself, policing myself, and policing others. Jesus fucking christ! It's made me so fucking neurotic! I need a piña colata and a nice slap in the face. Oh, and a happy-ending massage would be nice too. All of this stems from my min/maxing addiction. I used to think I was addicted to video games, back when I played them for several hours every day. But I was never addicted to them in the first place. I was addicted to min/maxing, and I still am. Min/maxing is mentioned in Leo's subtle addictions video. It basically means, the urge to constantly improve to perfection, whether it be a video game avatar or yourself. I think a lot of people like me who have turned self-development into a hobby have this addiction. In my own contemplation, I think it stems from a lack of self-acceptance/a feeling of self-deficiency, which in turn likely comes from childhood programming. Kind of funny that I'm using my min/maxing addiction to try to eradicate my min/maxing addiction. Minception...

I stopped pretending. I stopped pretending to be an enlightened person. I stopped pretending to be the fool on the hill, looking down at the "unenlightened peasants" with their petty human ways. In reality, I am the unenlightened peasant. I stopped pretending that I know everything and everyone else is clueless. In reality, I'm the clueless twenty-something. I get most of my information from books and furiously masturbate my mind. I can't even turn off the monkey mind after a year of meditating 35 minutes per day. I think that I can somehow live on this hermit tower and get paid for parroting information instead of getting real-world experience among the "clueless chimps." I stopped pretending to dislike humanity. In reality, I dislike myself. I'm not particularly dislikable, but my programming can't help it. In reality, I'm afraid of people because of what they've done to me in the past. I don't want to be hurt for the thousandth time, so naturally, I avoid them like the plague and prefer to die slowly from lack of connection. The Internet is my Wilson. I stopped pretending that enlightenment should be my top priority right now. In reality, it's just a cop out to avoid my more pressing problems. I stopped pretending that I don't have problems because "problems are just thoughts." In reality, I'm lonely, lost, impotent, and a little depressed. I'm starved for connection, haven't picked up my guitar since Ireland, and have been struggling to getting out of bed. I've forgotten how to make friends and what it means to be a friend. I'm scared because I have no sex drive, not even to masturbate. I have no idea where I'm going or what the hell I'm doing once the lease runs out at the end of August. I beat myself up for not finding my "Life Purpose." God forbid I never do, then my life won't be extraordinary as Leo says it will be. Another reason to beat myself up. I stopped pretending that I'm being productive by endlessly watching educational Youtube videos. I'm just being busy. I'm filling my days with the illusion of getting somewhere to avoid the fact that I'm sitting on my ass getting nowhere. I'm barely surviving on the limited social nutrition of the Internet, instead of living on the sustenance of real human connection. I stopped pretending that I'm content. I'm not. I hate this dinky studio apartment. I hate the noise pollution. The train that honks its horn at 2 in the morning right outside my window every night. The fucking fridge that turns on its roaring cooler every 20 minutes. The lack of light, the toxic carpet, the toxic yellow water, the crippling desolation and dissatisfaction in knowing that I could respect myself enough to make friends and actually do something, but instead I choose this because I don't respect myself enough. My thoughts reflect my circumstances. But no matter what, there's this innate kernel of faith in me. I see it in others too. The amazing, utterly human faith that everything will work out the way it's supposed to. That even in the darkest of nights, we know the dawn is coming. I stopped pretending that I'm an adult. In reality, I'm just a kid with some growing up to do.

Howdy, As more and more of the self-structure is sloughed away like some salami on the chopping block, personal insights and anecdotes keep coming up. For the past year and a half, I've been writing all of them for myself. Now I feel the urge to express it to other bodies. Above all, these are insights. Insight = a realization gained from direct experience. I encourage you to take everything that is written here with a grain of salt. Don't just blindly believe what I say. It is very easy to stay stuck in thought-story-land with this forum platform. Please, please, please see if you can connect the words to your direct experience. Inward is the only avenue for growth on the pathless path to enlightenment. Along with some words, I'll be posting some music that I like whose lyrics are related to enlightenment. And, of course, there will be some chicken poop as well. Watch your step! Bok bok! Cheers, JJ

https://www.amazon.com/Tao-Health-Sex-Longevity-Practical/dp/067164811X https://www.amazon.com/Detox-Miracle-Sourcebook-Complete-Regeneration/dp/1935826190/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1499545648&sr=1-1&keywords=detox+miracle+sourcebook

pond jumping, part whoops; OR, the fast track. I thought I would need a part 2 to talk about Peru, but now I don't feel like talking about Peru. It was fun, challenging, and frustrating just like Ireland. The Inca Trail was the best part: 27 miles of hiking in 14000ft elevation for 4 days straight. Woohoo! What I feel like writing about is this past week. It was a doozy. A big, frothy, emotional doozy served with a side of fifteen pounds of shit. Literally. This forum, and Actualized.org in general, is heavily focused on psychological and spiritual development. It's easy to overlook the physical. But there's something I've learned over this week: Your body, psyche, spirit, and emotions are intimately connected. They all must detox together. Trying to spiritually develop yourself without cleaning up your diet is like trying to get clean in a sewer. Not likely. Along with the transition to raw veganism, which has been incredible, I've been experimenting with fasting. If you don't know anything about fasting, I suggest doing some research on it. Fasting has been used for thousands of years as a method of physical and spiritual purification. Last week, I did a special juice fast. A super secret one. One that flies in the face of convention. Now that I've survived nine days, I figure now I feel confident enough to advertise it. It's called the master fast. They also have a facebook group. A warning though: If you want to do it, make sure you follow every step. Yes, that means getting their herbal tinctures. They're expensive, but they last 60-90 days, and they're super potent. Overall, the expenses for the fast match food expenses. If your body is a theatre, digestion is the stage performance, and fasting is the janitorial staff. For most people, the show is always happening. The problem is that the stage gets pretty messy after awhile. When you fast, the show stops, and janitors start cleaning up the stage. When this happens, you experience a bunch of physical cleansing reactions all classified as "detoxification." Not only do old physical ailments reveal themselves again, but old emotions as well. Like I mentioned before, physical and emotional are intimately connected. Prolonged fasting has a psychedelic effect, as it is a "fast track" to your deepest darkest inner demons. Demons you thought you got rid of a long time ago. Demons that claw and gnaw at you. If you eat cooked food, you can guarantee that you have a food addiction. Don't believe me? Try fasting for yourself. The first couple days were brutal for me. Cravings galore! I wanted cheeseburgers, pizza, and mac and cheese. A barbeque smell outside reminded me of the days when I'd fry hotdogs over the fire with my grandfather in our house's backyard, and I started to cry. That's when I realized how most of the foods we eat cover up the memories and identities that we cling to. I realized that gnawing feeling in the lower navel area that we call "hunger" is really a withdrawal effect from not eating cooked food. Real hunger is a salivation of the throat/mouth. After day 2, the gnawing feeling diminished greatly, and I experienced a comfortable emptiness. Enemas and colonics are a part of the protocol. I could not BELIEVE what came out of my bum. Pounds and pounds and pounds of this dark rubbery stuff they call "mucoid plaque." Stuff that cakes to the intestines due to years and years of eating acidic, mucus-forming foods. Which is pretty much everything besides fruits, vegetables, nuts, and seeds. Overall, I lost 15 pounds of colon weight, and that's only the beginning. I suspect there's at least 20 more pounds of that stuff to go. Which is scary, considering how thin I already am. But man oh man. After this week, I feel so much more at ease. Meditation is easier, journaling is easier, life is more colorful. The suicidal thoughts are not as heavy as they used to be. I don't look like I have a pregnant belly anymore. Everything feels a little less like Sisyphus and that fucking boulder.

@eskwire Yes! Thanks for reminding me. My friend's farm also has a ton of strawberries ripe for the picking @Peace and Love Whoa! Thank you for the very detailed response. You reminded me of something I learned recently: buy in bulk! I plan to ask my local co-op if I can do that...once I finish this juice fast...but that's another story for another day... Amazing what a diet change can do to your health, right? Fasting too! Fasting feels almost as effective as psychedelics when it comes to emotional healing.

Hey there raw vegans, I recently joined the raw bandwagon a couple weeks ago and LOVE the results I'm getting. More energy, detox, skin clearing, more focus, more BM's, etc. However, I've got a problem. Where I live, the organic fruits and vegetables are ridiculously expensive. Like, $8 for a pint of blueberries expensive. As a result, I've been rationing and losing too much weight as a result. Here are some of the ways I've saved money so far on this diet: Discount produce bins. At my co-op, there are sometimes bags of slightly damaged produce for half the price. I pounce on those. Sales. I only buy whatever fruit/vegetables are on sale. Buy the necessities. Avoid buying out of desire. Bananas. Lots and lots of f*cking bananas. Sprouting. So far, I've done lentils. Easy and cheap. Even using all these tactics, I'm spending more than $100 per week on food. And this is coming from an ultra-minimalist with a spartan lifestyle. I only have two monthly expenses at the moment: rent and food. My question is this: What are some other ways to cut your spending on this diet? And another question for kicks: Is Raw Till 4 a viable option for someone like me who's having a hard time breaking even every month? Cheers, JJ

pond jumping, part 1. I'm finally back to some semblance of sanity after three weeks of insanity. Ten days in Ireland, ten days in Peru. Seriously, I was beginning to go insane. It wasn't because I was away from home, nor was it because of the layovers and long travel times. It was due mainly to lack of alone time and dietary options. No offense to the Irish, but your food totally sucks, especially for vegetarians/vegans. Hardly any fresh produce; all deep fried processed potato-ey constipating foods. The group that I was with also provided too much food. My constipation was so bad that I looked pregnant; I'm surprised nobody asked me if I was. Being incredibly constipated reminded me of my hellishly miserable school years. I have no doubts now: an unhappy body is an unhappy psyche. Then there was the group I was with. The three other millenials I roomed with were so shallow that even the Irish puddles were saying, "Dayum son!" Is this really what it's come to? Snapchatting every single fucking moment of your life? Filling every waking moment with noise? Gossiping about the Kardashians and the people sitting next to you? I know I sound condescending. But my God, I'm concerned. More and more, I feel like a stranger in a strange land, and Leo's recent episode on loneliness really resonates. I also think of this scene from Wall-E. I went to Ireland for a songwriting workshop, hoping that it could give me some clarity on my relationship with music. It did, but not in the way I hoped. The workshop felt like a break-up. I've spent the past three years seriously building my music and songwriting skills, but now I realize that it's not what I want to do full-time. I hate traditional songwriting. I feel like a charlatan whenever I do it. This workshop reminded me of my social studies classes in primary school, which I always hated. I was a math/science guy in school. The insight I gleaned is this: I'm primarily a musician, not a songwriter. I'm an emotional engineer, not a storyteller. I listen to music less for the lyrics and more for the musicality. For the past three years, the universe has been beating me down, telling me not to be a performing artist. I don't feel built for it. I'm extremely introverted, don't resonate with most people, and most people don't resonate with me. I went into music for music's sake, not for a sense of impact on others. Now I'm craving that sense of impact, and music's not giving it to me. The next insight: music probably won't be my full-time job. I can see myself having an online following and doing busking/local gigs, but no more than that. The blog's also been an interesting experiment, but I feel it burning out as well. I figure I'll keep writing here and ditch the blog. Along with "Follow your bliss," I received some solid advice from one of the songwriters who led the group. "If it ain't 'Hell yeah!' then it's 'No'", she said. Well, songwriting and the blog are not a "hell yeah" anymore, and no amount of listening to music/reading has reignited the fire. I purposely paused on the Life Purpose Course because of how volatile I've been lately. To be expected as a clueless twenty-something...

Phew! What a relief. Meditation, healthy eating, exercise, contemplation, self-enquiry, and all that PD bullshit is too difficult anyways. Welp, back to watching netflix while eating a bag of cheetos in one hand and doing... something else... with the other. I mean, it's all just pointless anyways, right?

@Annetta If you're using a b12 supplement, make sure it's methyl b12, not cyanocobalamin. The latter is not readily absorbed in the body. Also, nutritional yeast ("vegan cheese flavor") provides some b12, if you like that stuff. Cheers!

Sounds to me like you're trying to excuse yourself from social interaction. I'm sure you've read all there is to know about social games, but the map is not the territory. Practice begins in socializing itself, not in reading books. So just keep doing it, and you'll get better.

This is your problem, not the other points. I suggest avoiding bars. Based on what I've read from you, you're probably going to relate to very few people. Cold approaches are a great way to build confidence. But don't expect to make any lasting friendships or deep meaningful conversation. Instead, I suggest joining a group or meetup that shares the same interests. By meeting people with a common interest, They will be interested in what you have to say. You won't struggle to find something interesting to say, because you have a built-in topic of conversation. They will trust you right away. As opposed to you being a stranger that randomly approaches. You will feel connected right away because you're all doing the same activity together. Websites like meetup.com are good for finding groups. Also, for people like you, improv comedy is a fantastic way to connect with others and get out of your comfort zone, minus the awkwardness of cold approach. If you're still in college, tons of student organizations are available to join. As for your being afraid of what to say, contemplate this: What do you want from these people? Obviously, you want something from them, otherwise you wouldn't be afraid of saying anything. Cheers.

international shenanigans. I'm leaving in two days for a trip to Ireland, and then ten days later, a family trip to Peru. I look forward to seeing what new perspectives will come from travel. I'm not looking forward to the eight-hour time difference and 14,000-feet elevation difference between Ireland and Peru. Jet lag AND altitude sickness? Oh boy... I'm starting to implement breathing exercises alongside meditation, based on the information in this book, which I highly recommend for anyone interested in self-actualization. So many gold nuggets in that book. Upon returning from this trip, I'm going to start a super secret detox program...

@electroBeam What's your diet?

You're quick to change your mind... Hearsay can only take you so far. Try out fasting for yourself, and see what happens. Here's a resource for ya. And another.

fake change versus real change. Fake change is spraying a stuffed garbage can with perfume. You temporarily solve the stink problem. But eventually, the perfume wears off, and the smell gets worse. You don't consider taking out the trash, because that's too unpleasant and labor-intensive. So you buy more perfume and continue spraying... until you run out again. The cycle continues until you can no longer afford any more perfume. Real change is when you take out the trash. It's unpleasant; it's labor intensive; it's what you've been avoiding. But once it's done, it's done. The smell is gone for good. You don't need to waste time and money buying any more perfume. Real change occurs when the pain of settling for less than what you're capable exceeds the pain of taking action. You may spray perfume for a long time before reaching this point. You may not even realize that you're spraying. But one day, you'll run out of perfume, and the following ultimatum remains: take out the trash or suffocate.

@Huz It does seem radical to those who are not familiar with the raw movement. Only a couple months ago I was eating strictly Paleo! If you've been eating close to the Standard American Diet, it may be a good idea to transition into this. Jumping right into it can cause a relapse. Start by going vegetarian for a couple weeks, then eliminate all animal products after a month, then eliminate cooked breakfasts and lunches, etc. As for exercise, yes. My day job involves several hours of low-intensity walking, and yesterday I did a high-intensity weightlifting workout. If you'd like to learn more about veganism and raw foods, I wrote a post on the previous page listing a bunch of resources. Cheers!

@Huz For the past couple weeks, I was eating strictly raw fruits and vegetables as an experiment. After losing ten pounds, I figure it may be a good idea to start incorporating some other staples Here's what my diet consists of at the moment: Breakfast: A shitton of fruit (For instance, this morning it was a pint of blackberries, blueberries, and five pears) + a green smoothie (right now it's kale, parsley, rhubarb, ginger, lemon juice and almond butter. Probably going to add some flaxseed in the future) Lunch: A shitton of bananas (I can only eat 6 in one sitting right now, but I'm working up to 10) Dinner: A massive salad with raw nut yogurt dressing + starchy stuff (sprouted lentils, sprouted quinoa, cooked rice and beans, potatoes, yams) So the diet's "raw till 4"-ish. I also do time-restricted eating, a minimum 12-hour fast. All of this may change as I continue to experiment.

Reconciling spirituality and social interaction. How do I know that my prioritizing being alone meditating/self-educating/contemplating/self-inquiring is not just an excuse to run away from social anxiety? Reconciling spirituality and life purpose. How do I balance or merge the two of them? Whenever I focus mostly on spirituality I get hermity and forget about LP, and whenever I focus mostly on LP I get neurotic and forget about spirituality.

I changed my mind recently on diet. Before, I said "If it feels right to be vegan, you'll be vegan. If it feels right to keep eating meat, you keep eating meat." Now I say, if you want to align with your innate human happiness, don't eat meat. I actually agree with you on the "we are not designed to consume meat" premise. Meat is food for carnivores. Humans are not carnivores. We're frugivores. Meat, when you eat it alone, is actually not tasty at all. What makes it tasty is the stuff you add to it. And I doubt anyone would be willing to eat meat in its raw form, let alone rip open a rabbit with your bare...fingernails? But fruit. We're tall enough to reach it, we have opposable thumbs to pluck it, we have fingernails to peel it, and we have the perfect teeth to eat it. In its raw form, it's absolutely delicious. It has all the nutrition we need, including water. When you eat it, you feel more energized, not bloated and lethargic. This is not a matter of good and evil. This is a matter of alignment. It's not bad per se to eat meat; you're just not aligned with your body's design. And when you're not in alignment, you become unhealthy. Physical unhealthiness leads to psychological unhappiness. We say it's "not right" to harm other conscious beings because we have innate empathy. Empathy is basically projecting our sense of self onto other animals. Again, it goes back to alignment. It's not bad per se to harm other conscious beings, but it is out of alignment.

day 12: what goes down, must come up. So it's been almost two weeks since I started my all-raw experiment. I broke it on day 7, 8, and 12 (today). Here's what I've seen so far: No bloating. Ugh! Finally! Meals that actually sit well! Skin clearing. My skin's got a nice glow even only after two weeks of doing this. Energy. Lots and lots of it. Still sleeping 8+ hours per night, but feeling ready to tackle the day's activities. Focus. Concentration abilities, especially through meditation, have improved. Pooping. At least twice per day. I don't know where it's all coming from. Such a nice change from the constipation. Emotional turmoil. As mentioned in my previous post. Hair loss. A lot in the beginning, not as much now. Allergies gone. Just like that. It's incredible. After years and years and years of itchy eyes and clogged sinuses in the spring, there's none of that on this diet. Also, I was previously allergic to avocados. I ate one the other day. No reactions! Compassion/empathy. This is the weirdest one. It almost feels like I'm in the transition from stage orange to green, if we're talking spiral dynamics. I have this untapped empathy within me, this urge to give and ask for nothing in return. I feel so good on this diet that I think I'm going to stick with it, incorporating more sprouted nuts and seeds as I go. Speaking of, I sprouted some lentils the other day for the first time. Amazing!!!! And as for the emotional turmoil...what goes down, must come up. I gave a girl my phone number the other week. She finally called me back. We're going to some free-form dance thing on Sunday. Law of attraction much? Here I was, praying to find a tribe, learning to accept myself, and along comes this opportunity. I'm looking forward to seeing what unfolds.

day 8: emotional turmoil. Yesterday, my dad came down to see me perform in an improv show. We didn't have much time to eat, and I was famished...so we went to a korean restaurant and I broke veganism for a night. Bloated, dehydrated, bad breath, constipated, body's in tension...yeah, I think I'm sticking with veganism. I've lost a lot of water and colon weight over the past week on this raw fast. My skin's cleared up a lot, and my energy feels wonderful. But there's one new side effect that's surfaced: emotional turmoil. Anger, depression, loneliness, sadness, feelings of helplessness...all of these dark feelings are surfacing. All demons from the past. All the things I've been running from. I grew up as the youngest of three. My oldest brother has autism, so my parents had to pay more attention to him. My middle brother was a talkative extrovert who wanted me to be like him. Feelings of unworthiness were inevitable, which is why I went to video games to feel worthy. My parents forced me to make "playdates" with people I didn't want to hang out with, which only made things worse. This "something is wrong with me" programming set me up for social failure. In eighth grade, my good friend and his friend group ditched me. Freshman year, a new group of friends ditched me. Sophomore year, another group. Junior year, three girls friend-zoned and lost interest in me. Senior year, I had my chance but blew it again. Freshman year of college, friend-zoned again by a girl. Sophomore year, two girls. Junior year, my friend at the time assaulted me and killed himself after skipping the court date that I got him into. Last year, I was people-pleasing two alcoholics on a homestead. It's no wonder that I made this vow to myself: fuck people. I want nothing to do with them. They're just going to abandon me. I can do everything myself. Leo says that I don't need friends. All the more reason to be a hermit. Now it's come to bite me in the ass. I yearn for connection. Face-to-face connection. There's no denying it anymore. Now I see, there's nothing wrong with people. What's wrong is how I view myself: unlovable, undeserving of people's time, a dishonest people-pleaser that needs to have everyone like him. This wound goes so deep, the karmic cycle has been repeating itself for years, and I have no idea how to break it. I'm lost, lonely, and broken. I feel like I can't accomplish anything if I'm still operating from this programming, especially if I want to pursue music. I need to heal. Healing the body seems to be a step in the right direction. So I'm going to continue with this fruit fast.