jjer94

The best way to find out is to give it a try... I’ve made my own fluoride-free toothpaste since June and have had no dental issues so far.

I've also had the same tendencies for a long, long time. Maybe you could glean something from my own insights. I was a floater in school and wore multiple masks to fit into different groups. Every single girl I've met/been with has rejected me. People thought I was mysterious. I had trouble communicating. I preferred to be alone playing video games (I was badly addicted) or doing something creative. Throughout the years, I was so deeply hurt by people that I decided that I wanted nothing to do with them. I buried my feelings and instead projected them onto everyone else with the following axioms: I hate people. Nobody can understand me. Then, I gravitated to personal development that added the following axioms: Social interaction is stupid, consciousness work is more important. Sexual intimacy is stupid, consciousness work is more important. Everyone around me is a fucking unconscious chimp, so why bother interacting with them. I thought that since I can already spend ridiculous amounts of time alone, I must be spiritually developed. I thought that since I've read hundreds of spiritual books by now, have had awakening experiences, and can mentally masturbate on this stuff for days, I must be on my way to becoming enlightened. But what I haven't realized until recently is that I've been using the higher stuff as a crutch for avoiding the lower stuff. I've been avoiding my fear, anxiety, guilt, and shame, all demons of the lower chakras/Maslow's hierarchy, and obsessing over spirituality and upper chakras/Maslow's upper needs. I don't isolate primarily because I want to become enlightened. I isolate primarily because I'm afraid, socially anxious, guilty for indulging in sex and pleasure, deeply hurt, and ashamed of myself. This is why Leo talks about building a "healthy ego" before transcending it. You have to resolve the lower needs in order to reach the upper needs. Fear, social anxiety, sexual anxiety, toxic shame, low self-esteem... all of these "lower" obstacles are limits to your unlimited being. I don't mean become a sexual extrovert - you are who you are. Just work with the fears, and all of this "desire for loneliness" will become a non-issue. Hopefully you can relate. If so, then I suggest doing what I'm doing right now: become re-acquainted with your body, your feelings, and your personal power. What I've found to be especially helpful is yoga (especially the kind focused on opening the chakras) and breathing exercises. Also, journaling about your fears and limited beliefs, and learning self-acceptance. One book I've found especially helpful in that regard is You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay.

shadow work, part deux. What personality trait do you criticize in others? I tend to criticize in others what Leo would call "chimp behavior" - activities usually deemed low consciousness. This includes eating indulgent junk foods, watching TV, engaging in gossip, having sex, engaging in family antics, or any other short-term pleasures. Who in your life today and from the past embodies this trait? Today: All of my family members. In the past: classmates and friends. How have you tried to negate the discomfort that comes from being around these people? I've tried running away through travel. I've tried not calling them. I've tried pushing them away through angry outbursts. I've tried keeping physical and emotional distance. I've tried isolating myself. I've used justifications such as, "they're all so unconscious, it's not worth spending time with them." I've become an independent worker and thinker. I don't reach out for help, and believe that I can do everything for myself. Based on your avoidance of this personality trait, what have you rejected in yourself? My personal desire for pleasure, i.e. second chakra. Where do you think this rejection came from? The move that happened when I was four months old probably had something to do with it. I probably didn't receive enough touch. Growing up, sexuality was never openly discussed in my family. Teachers preached a heavy work ethic over everything else. My parents limited video game playing to the weekends only, which only made me feel more guilty for (and addicted to) playing them. The field of personal development (especially Leo) often encourages a long-term achievement-oriented mindset and shuns the short-term pleasures, seeing no point to them. How has this manifested in your life? Intense moralizing, especially when it comes to the pursuit of pleasure. I feel guilty for watching too much TV/Youtube. I quit video games. I have little libido and passion. I have some orthorexia (obsession with healthy eating/purifying the body). I obsess over personal development, spirituality, and the pursuit of higher consciousness (excessive sixth and seventh chakras). I feel disconnected from my body and its needs. I often feel "impure". I often feel guilty, and even angry, for my sexual preferences. My lower half is very stiff: cold feet, knees and pelvis locked. I have the urge to sit often in order to maintain this energy structure. I have low energy. I have no close friends and no meaningful relationships. I have a shitty dysfunctional relationship with all of my family members. Well... fuck. Pun intended?

Relax. Breathe. Be gentle. Slow down. Take a bath. And stay in school. Sounds to me like you don't like yourself, based on your strong desire to be great and need to compare yourself to others. How will you be able to build a self-actualized society if you can't accept yourself exactly as you are? Also sounds to me like you're lonely because you are highly critical and condescending of others, and it's these judgments that keep you isolated. How will you be able to build a self-actualized society without first spending time with people? Procrastination with "low consciousness activities" is obviously serving you somehow, otherwise you wouldn't do it. Instead of hating yourself for doing these things and using this as negative motivation for your life purpose, just ask yourself how it serves you. Be gentle. Does it allow you to avoid what you fear? Does it allow you to stay isolated? Does it allow you to stay in mental masturbation land? The answers are within you. Awareness is key. This is a marathon, not a sprint. Before anything else, work with the bare bones. You are young, and you're doing fine.

the kiss of sisyphus. Lately, I've been noticing something going on in my head. It's this creeping thought that's asking, "What the hell are you going to do with your life?" I guess I've been bothered lately. Since two and a half months ago, I feel sososo much better. I'm actually getting up and doing stuff. Still, there's this underlying emptiness that I wake up to in the morning. This frustration, that I have no real directed sense of purpose. And no matter how much mental masturbation or running around I do, I can't just will myself to have one. So this voice of the past is nagging me. Following me around and kind of freaking me out. "What the hell are you going to do with your life?" Teachers, my brother, my dad, TV characters, Leo - they've all said it to me in one form or another. It's giving me a lot of self-doubt. Part of me wants to believe the voice, that I can somehow will myself into action and just start doing something with purpose. In fact, for the past three years, I did listen to that voice. I worked my ass off with the music. But it felt like a Sisyphean struggle. I wasn't internally grounded; I wasn't psychologically ready. It felt like no matter how hard I worked, I had this underlying sense of futility. And then I burned out. Now, I'm up here like Henry David Thoreau. Walking, farming, exercising, learning, contemplating. I feel like I shouldn't have to force myself to do anything. That life shouldn't have to feel Sisyphean. That there may be some brute forcing here and there, but most of the day can feel like a flow. That everything I do can be aligned with some intrinsic purpose. Maybe I'm being naïve according to my culture and my family, but that's how I feel. That's what I believe. After my first LSD trip, I instinctively gravitated towards yoga, bodywork, body awareness, and shadow work, because I see just how blocked my first three chakras are, which all relate to survival and action (more on that in future entries). When I was tripping, those chakras opened up, and I started taking action without any struggle. Minus the hallucinations, that's my goal.

shadow work, part un. What personality trait do you criticize? I really don't like dominating, controlling people. People who almost appear to be bullies. People who tell me what to do. Who in your life today and from the past embodies this personality trait? Today: my dad and brother. Before: countless bullies, girls, friends, therapists, classmates. How have you tried to negate the discomfort that comes from being around these people? I've tried running away through travel. I've tried not calling them. I've tried pushing them away through angry outbursts. I've tried keeping physical and emotional distance. I've tried isolating myself. I've used justifications such as, "they don't know what's best for me." I've become an independent worker and thinker. I've tried weightlifting to feel stronger and more protected against these people. I don't reach out for help. Based on your avoidance of this personality trait, what have you rejected in yourself? My personal willpower/responsibility. Where do you think this rejection came from? Partly from being bullied as a kid. My dad and brother picked on me, classmates picked on me. I'd say "stop" and they wouldn't stop. I think it also comes from our victim-mentality culture. Western culture encourages "getting real" over following your dreams. That there's no money in _____ . That you need talent. That your genes dictate your life circumstances. That you should trust authorities and not yourself. That you shouldn't rock the boat. How has this manifested in your life? I let people walk over me. I let them tell me how small or incapable or subordinate I am, and I believe it. I am unsure about what I really want. I take easier part-time work because I don't think I'm capable of more responsibility. My body has developed in such a way to take up the least amount of space - short, underweight, hunched shoulders. My voice is weak. I don't think more than two days ahead, and I don't ever think about the past. I gravitated towards spiritual teachings that say "there is no you" or "there is no free will" to justify my lack of responsibility and tendency to "chop wood, carry water," instead of having higher aspirations. I bought Leo's Life Purpose Course and didn't finish it because it was too daunting for me. I returned home because it instinctually meant less responsibility. Well, shit.

Perfectly-shaped gluten-free stevia-enhanced chocolate chip cookies, directly out of the oven. You have to eat them before the fat congeals and the cookie hardens, though. So you take a fork and stick it into one of the gooey delicacies. Chocolate drips from the tine like melting icicles as you let your tongue taste one of the little droplets. It feels as though life itself is trying to communicate to you through the warm chocolatey texture that just coated your tongue. You dip the rest of the still-warm cookie bit into some milk of your choice. Today, it's almond milk. The cookie absorbs the milk like a fresh (environmentally friendly, of course) sponge. And finally, you bring the entirety of that wet gooey mess into your mouth. A warzone of flavors explodes on your palette. Sweet, savory, chocolatey, goodness gracious. The deceased spirits of World War II are looking down on you in anguish, wondering why you would want to start such a battle in your mouth. But they don't know what they're missing, and you have nothing to say. Six cookies and one glass of almond milk later, you lick your lips in satisfaction. Brain fog and bloat city galore, but well worth it for the authentic experience of your favorite food.

dissociation in a nutshell. Once upon a time, body/mind was born. Body didn't feel safe in the first few months of its birth. Perhaps it didn't receive enough breast milk, or enough love from the bigger body/mind parental units. Perhaps it was abused. Whatever the case, it adopted the visceral belief that no matter what it does, it doesn't deserve enough. And thus, the world is scarce and unsafe. This belief manifests in physical form as body/mind grows up. Body/mind is underweight no matter how much it eats. Body/mind has health issues, especially with the large intestine. Body/mind feels fear, depression, and anxiety nearly every waking hour. Body/mind is restless and disorganized. Body/mind has a hard time focusing on long-term tasks. Body/mind doesn't like to be touched. Body/mind is conservative and not open to new experiences or meeting new people. Body/mind has a hard time making money. Body/mind feels generally ungrounded. Mind didn't sign up for this shit. It doesn't want to feel this painful burden that body bears. So what does it do? It splits, or dissociates. Mind tries every way to dominate body in order not to feel the pain and the visceral feelings of danger. Mind tunes out the feelings by doing drugs or alcohol. Mind tries to stay occupied through television, video games, monotonous heady work, mental masturbation, or even real masturbation. Mind tries to solve its problems on the level of mind, thinking that as long as it strengthens itself, it won't have to deal with body. It adopts the belief that the body is a filthy prison that can be transcended. It spends years in meditation. It spends years in talk therapy. It spends years ruminating about philosophical topics. But nothing is working. Body is still screaming fear. At this point, mind has reached the tipping point. It feels tempted to destroy the body in an act called "suicide," because it feels trapped. It feels like all hope is lost. It feels like it's tried everything. Mind feels like it's in a burning office building, where the building is the body. Mind devised an ultimatum. It's either jump out the window, or walk into the fire.

@Fuse Do you not see the pattern here? And this is why I say to forget about trying to fix the emotional and spiritual aspects of depression right now. You won't listen to me or anyone else. Any "ooo-ra-ra" positive or "you can do it" advice will only perpetuate these stories in your head that keep you where you are. Words are futile at this point. Don't even consider walking as "positive" or "taking action." Just walk. Acknowledge your self-hatred, self-criticism, and hopelessness, and just go move your legs anyway. Go outside, right now, and walk for thirty minutes or more. Listen to music, a podcast, or even your self-critical thoughts if you need to. Just see what happens. If you don't want to do it for yourself, do it for me

Hi. I can relate to your situation. Two and a half months ago, I was basically where you're at. From one of my own addictions, I was down to a sickly 108 lbs. I could barely get out of bed. On a couple occasions I lied down and "gave up" until the body started to reanimate itself. Suicidal thoughts, rage issues, lack of self-acceptance, no desire to exercise, the list goes on. Fast forward to today. I've gained back 25 pounds. I have intrinsic motivations, especially for exercise. I'm connecting with others and forgiving my parents and most importantly, myself. Slowly but surely I'm rising out of rock bottom. What I learned from this ordeal is that depression has many facets. There is the physical aspect: low energy, low motivation, weakness. There is the mental/emotional aspect: stuck in the past, limiting beliefs, feeling sad, guilty, lack of self-acceptance, etc. And there is the spiritual aspect: life has no meaning, I have no purpose here, I can't connect with anyone or anything. When you're truly depressed in one or all of these facets, it all seems so daunting. Your emotional state blows things out of proportion and makes claims using the worlds "always" and "never". You refuse to listen to anyone around you because they "don't understand" the situation you're in. You push them away because you're too much of a "burden" or "fuck-up", which allows you to continue being depressed feeling sorry for yourself, even though you don't really mean for that to happen. The point is, we can only say so much. Most of what will be said here will only be absorbed by 5% of your psyche, and the rest will be rejected in order to defend your depression. Two and a half months ago, there was nothing anyone could say to make me feel better. That means, the emotional and spiritual facets of depression are off the table. You can't deal with those right now. What you can do, though, is deal with the physical aspect. You said it yourself: you live in your "crumbling mind." You live "up there." Your head is in the clouds. You feel like a stranger in your body because you've forgotten what it means to be in one. Have you ever just walked with no direction? Climbed a tree? Jumped in a cold lake? Danced around? Anything you can do to change your physical state will affect your emotional and spiritual state. I myself adopted a walking routine. Then I started doing cold exposure. Then I adopted a ketogenic diet. All of these things gave me enough push to get out of bed and work on one more thing. Then another. Then another... As for the addictions, I can also relate, as a former video game addict for over a decade. Now they're a non-issue, in fact it pains me to think about playing them again. It's because I've managed to re-convene with my body to such a degree that I realized that I was using my addiction as a way to numb the uncomfortable tensions in my body. Most of my life before these two months was basically a re-arrangement of my life circumstances so I wouldn't have to feel that unpleasant emotional tension. Hence why I felt so dissociated from my body, hence why you may feel the same way. Don't worry about the addictions, they'll fall away in due time. And for fuck's sake, don't beat yourself up for having them. They've helped keep you alive for this long. My advice? Start with the physical. Remember what it feels like to be in a body. Obviously, start small. Walking, yoga, psychedelics, cold showers, acupuncture, massage, clean diet, anything to make you remember the magic of being in this meat suit. Second, if you can, surround yourself with family, or people who can support you in this process. You probably don't want to be dealing with studying or paying the bills right now if you're really down in the dumps. I wish you all the best. Read my journal if you need inspiration. JJ

an obedient boy. I don't just take my body for granted. I take life itself so much for granted. I'm not just talking about the circumstances and the events. I'm talking about life itself. This place is such a mystery. But I've forgotten what it means to actually LOOK at something without any preconceived notions. To be genuinely curious. To be like a kid. All of that curiosity was sapped out of me. Where did it go? I think part of it was replaced by the need to get good grades when I was in school. Instead of actually grokking something, I chose instead to memorize information and regurgitate it on an exam so I could get a good grade and feel good about myself and be a good boy. An obedient boy. Thirteen years of that ego-gratification shit. Well fuck that! Fuck what I know! I'm willing to wipe the slate clean. I'm willing to learn things by direct experience instead of hearsay. I'm willing to be curious again. I'm willing to humble myself. I don't know if I can, but I am willing. In the end, I'll still know jack shit about this place, but at least I'll be able to navigate it better.

the root chakra's blocked ya. I take my body for granted. Throughout most of my life, I thought I was some little puppeteer inside my head, controlling the arms and legs of this shameful disgusting puppet called the "body." Or so I thought. A couple years ago, when I realized there was no puppeteer and awoke on the level of mind, shit got unsettling. For a day I felt like a puppet without a puppeteer. Then the puppeteer returned in phantom form and has been living in the headspace ever since. In other words, I've dissociated myself from my body, and the initial awakening helped me realize this. I spend most of my time in the mind and forget that I'm in a body. I also forgot that the body is intimately connected with the mind. After doing more research into the chakras, I realize that my root chakra is extremely blocked. Also known as the Muladhara chakra, its associated color is red and it governs your survival (fight or flight) instincts. It stores early childhood trauma and its associated emotion is anger. Signs that the chakra is blocked: Lost sense of time ("head in the clouds") Addicted to control, fear of feeling free Conflict averse Lack of libido Fear, anxiety, depression, feeling of insecurity Constipation Cold extremities (hands and feet) Eating disorders Restlessness Numbing ourselves to the present moment, dissociating from our body Lack of purpose or work ethic I have all of these symptoms, to some degree. Here's what I've been doing to open it up and reconnect with the body again: Brisk walking every day Hitting the gym twice per week, focusing on squats Doing hands-on stuff (playing guitar, woodworking, etc.) Earthing (walking barefoot and being out in the sun) Eating meat (the vegan diet didn't work for me probably because my root chakra is so blocked, and dense protein helps unblock the root chakra) Visualization exercises involving the color red Acupuncture and acupressure Massage work Breathing exercises Cold shower (last 30 seconds) Essential oil diffuser Vinyasa flow yoga (a recent venture, and probably the most effective one) Spending less time on the screens Contemplations on trauma (journaling, exercises from You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay, etc.) Of course, I've slowly implemented all of these things over the past several months. The results have been slow but noticeable. More and more, my sober experience is beginning to feel psychedelic. Speaking of which, all of this research into the chakras was inspired by my first LSD trip, which gave me a preview of what it felt to have an open root chakra. It was incredible. The anxious band of tension at my navel area totally disappeared. I remember writing on a sticky note in my apartment at the time: "Get naked. RUN. Do something primal. Yoga. Bathe in ice. Have sex. It's so nice to be back in my body!!!" I also remember actually wanting to connect with others instead of doing my usual isolation routine. After the first awakening, I actually thought I was in touch with the body. Oh boy, I had no idea... In the back of the beyond From one eye of a storm to another A cavernous unknown For the seeds of survival we search I muscle and man up 'Cause every bone in my body's got nowhere left And when the strength bleeds out It's the hopes and the dreams that hold on...

perfectionism. I was chatting with a friend earlier about perfectionism, which reminded me of an insight I had a while back: Perfectionism is one of my subtle addictions. This realization was almost like finding a trapdoor under the stage, where gears and levers control the actors. The actors were distracting me from what was going on underneath. Perfectionism has snuck its slimy tentacles into nearly every aspect of my life. When one area feels "cured" of it, it shows up elsewhere: School grades - Back when I was in school, for as long as I can remember, I was obsessed with getting straight A's. Staying organized - My dad deemed me "president of the organized club" because everything on my bedroom shelves had to be in their perfect positions. Video games - I've already talked about this one. Min/maxing addiction is analogous to perfectionism addiction. Morning/bedtime routines - Sometimes I can get neurotic about keeping routines, and I get agitated when they're disrupted. Judging others/putting self on pedestal - This was a much bigger problem in the past when I was in "spiritual ego" stage. I tend to judge people based on their level of consciousness, like my parents. I look up to "higher consciousness" people and look down on "lower consciousness" people, which can give me condescending tendencies. In other words, I expect people to be perfect. Cringing with perfect pitch - This is a random one. Back when I was developing perfect pitch, I would cringe in choir at anyone who sang too flat or too sharp. I expected everyone to be on pitch, and would sometimes even call people out on it. Guitar - When I'm learning something new on guitar, I expect to have it down perfectly after only one or two practice sessions. I criticize myself if I don't. Making music - When I'm recording my stuff, I try to make everything perfect. Ironically, this makes me mess up and do more takes. It also dissuades me from recording more music, because of the high amount of micromanaging required. Personal development - Seeing the self as impure and in need of purification. Orthorexia (first paleo, then vegan, then raw vegan, then fruitarian, then keto, now bulletproof) - Seeing the body as impure and in need of purification. Minimalism - Seeing my belongings as cluttered and in need of sorting. So what's the cure? As with everything else, awareness. Half of these items on the list don't affect me much anymore, such as video games and staying organized, just because I've become aware of the triggers. But here are a few other notes worth mentioning: Practicing self-acceptance - Seeing things as imperfect means that I see myself as imperfect. Acceptance of the inner world brings acceptance to the outer world. Adopt a satisficer mindset - If the perfectionist is a maximizer, the opposite is a satisficer. A satisficer is someone who is okay with "good enough" rather than "perfect." (These terms come from Barry Schwartz's Paradox of Choice) Meditate, especially Strong Determination Sitting - This practice forces me to be okay with imperfections: pained back, feet falling asleep, butt sliding off the cushion, monkey mind that won't shut up, etc. Realize lack of free will (through meditation or contemplation) - When I try to control everything and then realized that control is just an illusion, I'm learning to relax a bit and let the universe take over. Realize that everything is perfect as it is - Same as the above point. This'll probably take a while. I love you, I love you I mean it, I want feel it God help me feel it...

@Gabriel Antonio Yeah...the deeper I go down this rabbit-hole, the more of a mindfuck it becomes. I dig it. I also dig the tunes, thanks for sharing! @Natasha

@Gabriel Antonio Funny you mention Ayahuasca...I was planning on doing it a year ago, but my parents won't let me (even though I'm an adult). Now in the past two months I've had three separate dreams in which I imbibed the medicine and had insights. In general, my parents don't support travel. They're very conservative and believe that the world is out to get them, that society is falling apart and that there's nothing to gain through travel other than risk. It's very dissuading, especially when I don't really have any friends to travel with, and the parents would really only let me travel if I had a friend to go with. Remember what you said about micromanaging parents, @Natasha ? Yes, I definitely sympathize with your opinion of psychedelics. My first LSD trip was like 1000 talk therapy sessions in ten hours, and the psilocybin has been just as powerful. I see the light more and more, but with that comes supreme resistance from within and without. Thank you for sharing!

@Natasha Oh my God... thank you so much for pointing this out to me, because I'm starting to realize this myself and I feel guilty for having the urge to cut ties. As I learn to accept my parents and forgive them for their shortcomings, I'm learning to accept myself and forgive my own shortcomings. And as I begin to do that, I'm beginning to think that the next step to accepting my parents and myself is to keep my distance. The truth is, I don't want anything to do with them. Talking to them kind of feels like a chore, because whenever I do speak openly, they don't get me. And in fact, most of the time they scorn me. There's no point in trying to make it work with them. It's more selfish to continue being close and secure with all of them just to avoid confronting my limiting beliefs (especially with money and career), than it is to be honest and risk being ostracized. I'm really doing them a disservice. Until I decide to be true to myself, I will continue to be a parasite. Thanks again for the wisdom. My mind is racing.

golden teacher. Last leg? Pffft. Nice try, survival machine. Truth is, I have matured over these past three years. A lot. I just have a hard time remembering. And emotions have been raw lately, no doubt. A lot of old baggage is coming up to be released. In particular, the anger, especially towards my family. No wonder why the universe brought me back to them. I've spent the past two years traveling and road trippin' and farming and exploring, all to realize that I've been running away from them. I've also been running away from myself, but that's a given. Referring back to Ralston's Book of Not Knowing has been helpful. Here's what he says about anger, which is confirmed in my direct experience: I felt a sense of neglect very early on. My mom weaned me only when I was a month old because she was too stressed out to make any more milk. We moved to the suburbs when I was only four months old, so my parents were heavily focused on the move. I have an older brother with low-functioning autism, so growing up with him has made me feel like a third-priority child. From my perspective, it seemed as though everything was about him and my louder middle brother. Always talk of getting more help, finding a new program for him, etc etc. I'm small in stature. My older brother and my dad ganged up on me and often used me as a punching bag. "Come on jj, quit being a little girl!" I used to be addicted to video games because it was my only way to escape the reality in which I felt so shitty about myself. At least in the video game world, I could be as powerful as I wanted. But my dad would only allow me to play on the weekends, and he insisted that I call "friends." (one of those "friend" groups ended up ditching me in middle school.) Having my coping mechanism micro-managed like this just made me want to play more. On a visceral level, I can feel my body in this constant state of tension. Hurt. Depression of the past, anxiety of the future. Constantly searching for the love I felt I didn't have in my earlier years. Feeling like a third-priority child made me feel inferior as a human being, as though something were wrong with me. Again, being a punching bag breeds the inferiority complex. I felt like my dad never understood me or my condition, and he still doesn't. This sense of inferiority breeds a sense of incapacity. The core beliefs: "I'm not good enough." "I don't deserve love, even though I need it." "I am subordinate." Dad is my target. I can read him like a book. His chimpery and utter hypocrisy is laughable. I want to push all of his buttons and destroy his fortress of ego to make myself feel capable, to get revenge, and to get attention. I figure that by proselytizing him, I can get him to understand where I'm coming from and maybe receive some love and appreciation for it. But the truth is, he is who he is. He's not going to change, and there's nothing I can do about it. A few days ago, I had an enormous release while tripping on 2g of golden teacher. I put myself in my parents' shoes and realized that they're just as clueless as I am. I imagined living in the early 90s, and receiving the news that my son was not normal. I experienced the utter heartbreak, hopelessness, and doubt. How could I afford taking care of him? Could I cure him? What about the other kids I want to have? Will they be autistic too? I see why my parents are the way they are. I see why my dad is a perfectionist control freak. Why he's so conservative. Why he's so protective and pragmatic and misanthropic. Why he's so afraid. He had to be, in order to be the father of an autistic child. I also see why my mom is so submissive. Why she's so coddling. Why she's also so protective. Why she's so afraid. She had to be, in order to be the mother of an autistic child and the wife of a control freak. And there I was, caught in the middle of it all, oblivious to what they were really going through. With this new understanding, I'm a lot less angry at my dad. The triggers feel like they're lessening day by day through the light of awareness. In fact, I feel a sort of tenderness for them and their current issues. These psychedelics, when used in the right way, have been 100x more effective than the 15+ years of talk therapy and 4+ years of antidepressants I've used. It's a shame that they're commonly stigmatized.

david and goliath. I'm not sure if I'll be able to rise up out of my own bullshit. I think I've reached my last leg. I'm tired and lonely as fuck. I feel like nothing's changed. I've meditated, stretched, breathed, read hundreds of books, tried pursuing a higher purpose with music for three years. I even went out and busked in front of hundreds of people on a busy street on several occasions. But nothing will remove the guilt of my friend's suicide. Nothing will remove the endless rage I have for my father and my brother. Nothing will remove the anguish I feel when I contemplate life's utter lack of meaning. Nothing will remove the sense of deficiency I feel constantly. Nothing will remove the inner critic that tells me that I suck at making music and that I should quit like I did a decade ago. From what I (barely) remember (seriously, I can hardly remember my past), I used to feel joy as a kid. I also used to cry a lot, but I used to feel genuine joy. Now, I can barely feel my feet. They're cold and sometimes numb. There's a tension deep in my navel that's been around since the suicide, and I haven't been able to go to the bathroom without assistance from an enema. Talking to my parents is like talking to fucking automatons. Especially my Dad. All he does is hoard, protect, hoard, protect, perpetuate his identity, rinse, repeat. All is logic to him, and little does he realize that his emotions are telling him that. Do you know how frustrating it is to try to communicate with someone like that? It's like trying to talk to a broken record. Like someone from another dimension. And I hold my tongue as much as I can, because money. The slimy, manipulative fuck that I am. And now, here I go again. As I'm drowning and sinking back down into the depths, I come back to this forum platform. For what? Do I really expect someone to throw a line out for me? To give me some magical bullshit word-formula that I've already heard in the 100+ books I've read? What the hell do I want? Nothing? Then what the fuck am I doing? What's the point of living if I don't even want anything? What's the point of trying to drive a car that doesn't want to start? I have a doc appointment in ten days, but I don't really expect too much, since it's a western doctor. He'll probably say it's depersonalization or DTD and give me some tranquilizers with questionable side effects so I can continue to plod along and chew my cud like all the other somnambulistic zombies (i.e. my family) out there. Treating symptoms not causes, as per usual. It's so sad. This physical, social, emotional and spiritual disconnection. Part of me wants to give life and everything a great big hug. But then there's the other part that doesn't want to be hurt again, doesn't want to be rejected again for the 10487th time and reminded once again that he's a defective piece of shit. But it's already too late, since he believes he's a defective piece of shit and it seems that no amount of mirror affirmations or inner child work will fix that. The fears are endless, and the walls are high. I've got no other enemy but myself. David and Goliath. At least I have this beaut of a song.

@Mad Max That quantum stuff gives you nasty glowing pee though...I prefer Sunset Sarsaparilla.

@Joseph Maynor Dude. Take it easy on the psychedelics! No more than one trip every two weeks, ideally one trip per month. The most important part of the trip is what you can take away from it - the integration phase after the trip. Integration can take several days or even weeks. But if you're tripping, like, every other day, which is what it seems like you're doing, you won't be able to glean any juicy insights from them. Instead, psychedelics will just become another addiction, done for the sake of the high rather than the sake of truth. Also, it's simply not good for the psyche to trip with such frequency. You run the risk of some serious neurological damage down the road. I say all of this not with an aire of superiority, but as a fellow psychonaut. All the best.

It's funny. I would have said a couple months ago that there are basically no cons to cutting out meat from the diet. All those vegan-propaganda documentaries like Forks Over Knives and What the Health bash animal products and really convinced me that they're all bad. Then, going even further, all the raw vegans/fruitarians say that even cooked food is harmful to the body. They talk about these fuzzy concepts like acid/alkaline balance, mucus/immune response to cooked food, detoxification, and species-specific diets - from sources dating back almost 100 years (I'm looking at you, Arnold Ehret). Then they top it off with the spiritual reasons for doing it, how it helps to raise the kundalini and all that. There's no convincing them that their way may not be the only way. I was one of them. I wouldn't listen to my family and friends, even when my hair was falling out, my muscles were wasting (lost 20 lbs total from already being a skinny 130lbs), I was endlessly tired, had no libido, and was breaking out like crazy. Noo, but it's detox, they say. So I kept going. Five months later... I lost my motivation to do anything besides prepare meals and think about the next ones. I isolated myself because all those other people out there were "impure" and didn't resonate with my agenda of purity. But then I snapped one day and had to go home because I probably would have died if I didn't. I reached the point where I had a hard time forming coherent sentences. That's when I knew it was time to try animal products again. So I started eating local pastured eggs. Instantly my energy came back. My hair's strength returned. My libido returned. Then I ate local grass-fed beef, and that's when the rest returned to me. I hopped aboard the ketogenic/Bulletproof diet and have been at it ever since. It's working pretty dang well for me. I gained back those twenty pounds in a matter of weeks, and actually have the motivation to exercise and lift weights again. Okay, ramblings aside. The point is, you just have to test drive these diets for yourself. It's very useful to educate yourself on the subject of diet, but you're going to find conflicting information all over the place. That's the nature of the beast. We're frugivores, we're carnivores. We should cook our food to avoid lectins, we shouldn't cook our food to obtain the maximum amount of biophotons. Don't just take anyone's word that you should eat X and avoid Y. Try them. Do you feel good after eating X? How about Y? Brain fog and bloating? Or clarity and energy? I happen to think that everyone's digestive tract is a little different. Some do really well with a little meat in the diet (I'm one of them), and some do better with lighter proteins like legumes. Some people thrive on a vegetarian, vegan, or even raw vegan diet. At least right now, I'm not one of them, though I wish I could. Another benefit of this approach is that you can take what works from one diet and combine it with another. I'm glad I went through the vegan phase, because now I have a much larger appreciation for eating quality vegetables. In fact, they're a main staple of my diet, moreso than the animal products at the moment. I also realized that gluten and pretty much all grains give me deadly gas and mood swings, so I tend to stay away. Oh, and most dairy makes me break out. So as the gurus say. Don't take my word for it. Use your direct experience. A good lesson for all domains of life. On a final note, don't take diet too seriously. It's not the end-all-be-all to health. Cheers, friend.

a farewell, for now. At least for now, I don't feel the need to write here anymore. My personal journal will suffice. Most of what I read and write here is just circle-jerking, and it's all a big fat distraction from the things I need to do right now. The whole field of personal development has left a bitter taste in my mouth lately. I feel like most of it is just another huge ego trip, a shuffling around of concepts and ideas in our mental prisons. We build all these habits and routines, say this affirmation, do this exercise, but for what? Because we actually want to do it, or because we feel that we need to fix ourselves? Because we like the activity, or because we need to find a new way to police ourselves because school is done? I see so many young people on this forum going through what I went through, the "I-want-Leo's-life-purpose" phase, where they get so obsessed and gung-ho about spirituality and PD that they completely forget about all the other aspects of their life until life itself becomes this bland, lonely mess, and they're sitting on top of their self-righteous mountain looking down at the "unconscious" people believing they have it all figured out but wondering in the back of their minds why they're still not happy. Hopefully, it's a phase. As Jed McKenna said, we are self-fertilizing animals. We rise up out of our bullshit, or we don't. My focus right now is on healing my body's energetics, as well as cultivating the innate bodily joy that I felt while tripping on LSD. I want my life to feel internally grounded. I don't like to force things. I want to do things out of an innate desire to do it, not because it's a chore. And this writing's beginning to feel a bit like a chore. Finding a mentor would be pretty dope too, but I have no idea how to do that. Anyway. I wish y'all the best on your journey to nowhere. And feel free to PM. I'll be around. JJ.

agape moments. Around an hour ago, I had one of those agape moments. You know, one of those moments where you feel so grateful to be alive that the crying, screaming, and tears become so uncontrollable and they begin to climax in this totally epic waking-up blissful explosion. I haven't had an agape moment for over six months. What triggered this one was my car ride home from the dentist. I was listening to music, and for the first time in a long time, I passionately sang along to it. I was utterly flabbergasted, considering for the past four months or so I have had ZERO motivation to do anything except mope around, be a hermit, and watch youtube videos so I could be militant towards other people's beliefs and hate humanity. I was so surprised that I began crying of joy. I was worried that my passion was gone for good. But it's slowly but surely coming back. And it's not the "I want to like this again so that other people will praise me" kind of passion. It's the "I want to make love to life for no reason" kind of passion. To what do I owe this surge of passion? Well, the only thing I've changed in the past couple weeks is my diet. Seems very likely that nutritional deficiency was the culprit of my muscular, psychological, motivational, physical, and spiritual degeneration. I think the vegan diet is very noble. Some people maybe thrive on it. But in my experience, it's definitely not the right one for my circumstances right now. You have to be very careful and make sure to supplement, because there are a few nutrients that you literally cannot get from plants. And just because the nutrition facts say it contains a particular nutrient doesn't mean it will all be absorbed, which is especially the case with plant foods due to anti-nutrients. There's a stereotype that goes around about how militant vegans are, how they love animals but hate their fellow humans. Based on my experience with the diet, I think a lot of those irritable vegans have nutritional deficiencies. Less than a month ago, I was on the porch, unable to get up because my legs felt like lead weights, unable to communicate, depressed and suicidal and angry at everyone. Now, after only two weeks of reintroducing meat and going keto, I actually WANT to work out and do stuff, to be outside, to breathe in the fresh air. I respect my family more and feel the urge to actually communicate. I'm not so irritable. I had the agape moment. A few other symptoms: No cravings. This is the most bizarre symptom. On the vegan diet, I never felt satisfied or satiated, and craved nothing but sugar and wheat products. On this diet, I have no cravings at all. I can go hours without thinking about food. And when hunger hits, it's not a violent gnawing as much as it is a call to eat. No bloating. All the starches and grains made me bloat like a mofo. On this diet, no bloating. I'm beginning to see the six-pack emerge once again. No brain fog. No post-meal comas. Less trouble communicating. Libido. It's back. That was my biggest concern on the vegan diet: I had absolutely no sex drive. Now I can actually feel my dick again. My extremities also aren't as cold. I'm excited to see what happens over the next few weeks.

(in the voice of Arnold) i'm back. I've been reluctant to write lately. Not just because of the video games, or because I don't feel like it. It's mostly because I've made a few drastic changes and I don't like to be judged. Now, I say screw it. I shall display my mistakes openly. I shall be who I am at this moment and feel the lightness of praise and the sting of criticism. I shall be poetic as possible by using as many "shall"s as I shall. I went a total 180 on diet to the "dark side." I'm eating a la Dave Asprey's Bulletproof Diet. Someone suggested it to me in my other journal, so I looked into it. Thanks @West ! My body was telling me to eat meat, so I decided to slowly chew on a grass-fed burger patty from our half-cow. The next day, I felt like a million bucks. I make my own version of bulletproof coffee in the morning: chaga tea, vanilla, cinnamon, kerrygold butter, and mct oil. Sooo good. It keeps me going until the afternoon. Tonight, I ate a smaller portion of new york strip steak from our cow. Again, feel amazing. Two nights ago, I had a sweet potato meal. Felt like a bloated balloon, couldn't think straight. Then, for my mom's birthday last night we had Italian. Wheat and pasta galore. Not only was I bloated, brain-fogged and craving sugar like crazy, this morning I was depressed and having a temper tantrum. I don't seem to do well with grains in general. My desire to have purpose is back. My skin is clearing up. No sugar cravings. No hunger every two hours. Energy and focus are skyrocketing due to dipping in and out of ketosis. I actually WANT to do sprints and go to the gym. And the most amazing thing is, my libido is back. On the vegan/raw vegan diet, I had zero libido, which was kind of scary. Now that I'm eating meat again, I feel like a sex-starved chimp. Based on what I'm learning about chakras, this all makes sense. The muladhara (base) chakra's associated nutrient is PROTEIN. Now that I'm flooding my body with dense animal protein, I feel more grounded. Of course, I had to battle with my ethics to eat meat again. I also had to let go of all the things I've learned from Dr. Morse, John Rose, Gabriel Cousens, Brian Clement, Dr. Greger, the vegan documentaries, et cetera. Well, not necessarily. I still think a lot of what they teach is valid. But I had to listen to my body. Direct experience trumps hearsay. Learning = behavior change. I still will not support factory farming. I will buy only pastured grass-fed meats and eggs. I'm still sprouting, eating seaweed and sauerkraut, and doing my chlorella/spirulina too. Ya know, all that healthy vegan stuff. But I'm supplementing it with high-quality animal protein. I'm also not cooking it to death, as to preserve the nutrition. As I grow older, I'm learning not to say "I will always_______" or "I will never __________". The only thing constant in the universe is change. And you either go with or against it.

the bethesda games. I just had a major insight while writing in my personal journal and felt the need to write it here, in order to flush it out. The reason I haven't been writing much here is due to a relapse of video game addiction. To be expected, since this place is too damn comfortable and I'm too damn unsatisfied with myself and my life circumstances. I began yearning for all the old games I used to play: Age of Empires II, Rollercoaster Tycoon, Ocarina of Time, Majora's Mask, Final Fantasy X, Banjo Tooie, etc. I even booted up a couple of them using Steam and project 64. But the moment I started playing them, I'd become unsatisfied and quit within minutes... Except for Skyrim. Fucking Skyrim. The single-player Bethesda games (in particular the Fallout and Elder Scrolls series) are drug-like in nature. They give you an addicting reward system, but don't give you much else. You expect their next game to have more depth, only to discover the opposite: stream-lined choices, poor voice acting and writing, broken game mechanics, terrible bugs... But that doesn't stop you from exploring their vast open worlds and fighting endless hordes of the same enemies. Because there's always the chance that that one chest will give you that daedric helmet you've been searching for... When you add mods into the mix, it's a perfect recipe for addiction. So you're not just addicted to the game itself, but you're also addicted to finding the best mods for your playthrough. A couple days ago, I found myself quitting several times within minutes of playing, only to add this mod, remove that mod, tweak the load order, etc... My brain was buzzing a couple days ago. It wouldn't shut up. I played 'till 3 in the morning. Meditation the next morning was a doozy, but I'm so glad I stuck with it because it snapped me out of the haze. Fortunately, awareness has had a cumulative effect over the years. The more I try to return to my old ways, the more painful and depressed I become, and the more I realize I can't. Earlier tonight, I was researching video game's effects on brain chemistry, and it occurred to me just how much the Bethesda games have had an impact on the way I approach life: Exploration. Bethesda's open-world games are heavy on exploration, but they are also known for being "as wide as an ocean, as deep as a puddle." In other words, conducive to the dabbler mindset, as described in George Leonard's Mastery. I've had lots of dabbling issues through the years. Music and self-actualization have been two of the only things I've really stuck with. Min-maxing. I've talked about this before. Bethesda games are a gold mine for the min-maxing gamers. This tendency to try to create the perfect character has fizzled over into my everyday life, hence my perfectionism, feelings of self-deficiency, and obsession with personal development and trying to acquire a complete understanding of life, as Leo puts it. Reward. The dopamine-fueled reward systems in these games (new level, new quest rewards, new location discovered, new perks) wire you to chase after the newest, easiest "high." In other words, the hedonic treadmill. I think everyone's been on it before at some point in their lives. People. This one's a biggie. Especially true in Bethesda games, video game characters can feel hollow at times. There usually aren't many dialogue options besides questions, and the characters' passive dialogue can get pretty repetitive. The lack of dialogue options makes you more passive in the conversation and less interested in the character's backstory. Oh my lord, this resonates so much with my life and how I deal with people. I usually don't have much to say in conversations, because I have a hard time thinking of things to say. I tend to ask questions and prefer to listen. I see myself and most people as two-dimensional hollow characters like in the video games...which is further exacerbated by learning more about enlightenment. The list goes on. Familiarity. Playing through these games multiple times gives you a sense of comfort and familiarity. Playing some of these games feels more "home-like" than actually living at home. Which goes to show that home is not a place, but rather a state of mind. And it seems the goal of personal development is to become so comfortable with being uncomfortable that everywhere and everything begins to feel like home. I feel like these points are just the tip of the iceberg. Writing about them has brought some clarity. It'll be much harder now to hypnotize myself back into the darkness of addiction.