jjer94

@Natasha I've tried a blog before, but it went sour pretty quickly. Probably because I was spiraling downwards, and it was only writing. Maybe it could be different this time around... Thank you for the compliment and suggestions Natasha...

putting the cart before the horse. I still feel confused and angry at myself. Every time I try to get back into music, I sabotage myself with the "you suck, why even bother" thoughts. Deep down, I still have low self-esteem. I don't believe I'm capable of doing any of the music stuff. I don't believe I deserve popularity or praise or success. I don't know what I want because I believe that I don't deserve to want. I feel a lot better than I did in August, but these beliefs are still camping out in the noggin. In the grand scheme of things, I just don't know where I fit. I don't know what I really want besides Truth. My skill-sets are so scattered that I have no idea how to actualize them. I have a natural aptitude for music and self-mastery. But I don't know what I want to master in music; I don't know what to practice next. And now that I've alienated myself from music, I feel like half of a person. I have intense resistance to doing all the basic shit in life: getting a job, socializing, relationships, networking, etc. This seems to be the theme of my life for the past few years: putting the cart before the horse. I'm an idealist. I keep striving for self-actualization while forgetting about all of my unresolved shadow aspects in the lower rungs of the pyramid. And thus, I keep sabotaging myself. Maybe my Dad is right. Maybe I ought to get the "lower" needs in place. Forget about life purpose and enlightenment for awhile. Take a break from this journal. Just relax, continue with yoga and meditation, and learn how to operate in the world again. Urrgghghhhhghhhh....I can feel my mind stewing resistance. "But isn't that a waste of time if you don't know what you want? You're not being a strategic motherfucker! How will plowing snow or washing dishes serve your life purpose? You don't even know your life purpose! How can you go out into the world without first knowing what you want?" Well, mind. First off, fuck you too (I still love you though). Second off, how can I know what I really want without first going out into the world? Woohoo!!! Life!!! (I have no fucking idea what I'm doing!!!)

daily hatha yoga: a two-month review. I'll say it now: starting a yoga practice has been the greatest decision I've made this whole year. For anyone who's on the path but feels disconnected from their body (i.e. most people on this forum), I highly suggest supplementing with yoga or any other forms of body work. These are the programs I use at the moment: https://www.udemy.com/seane-corn/learn/v4/content https://www.udemy.com/mystic-flow-by-seane-corn/learn/v4/content The call for yoga came from my first LSD trip, but it took a couple more people to convince me of its power. Before I started, I drew myself as I experienced myself (first picture). I notice that my body completely acclimated to my own internal belief systems over the years. Here are some examples: "I'm not safe" ----> "The ground is unsafe" ----> cut off circulation to the legs ----> cold feet, lack of desire to stand up "I should feel guilty about my sexuality" ----> "I don't deserve pleasure" ----> lower back overextended and in pain, cutting off circulation to the man parts, decreasing libido; tendency to cross legs "I should feel ashamed of myself" ----> "I am unworthy/not good enough/deficient" ----> solar plexus collapsed, hunchback, extreme anxious tension in the navel area "Love has hurt me in the past so I refuse to love again" ----> can barely feel my chest "I can't speak my truth, or else I'll be ostracized and abandoned" ----> lump in the throat feeling since high school, tension in the neck and shoulders, feeling that I'm judged for what I say "I can see what others can't see" ----> 20/20 vision, eye floaters, intuition run amok, indecisive "I'm smart/I'm special/I can understand things that others don't understand" ----> living in the head, mind races, mental masturbation, extreme yearning for Truth/understanding, yearning to proselytize in order to prove self-worth All of these traits have reduced significantly since I started daily hatha yoga two months ago. I drew an "after" picture (the second picture) for comparison. Here's also what I notice: Body happiness. My body is buzzing with what I call "happy energy" (ch'i, prana). I've become aware of the subtle realms of energy. My normal everyday experience is beginning to feel like a mild perpetual LSD trip. Less reactivity. OMG, this is HUGE. Instead of emotionally reacting like a pinball, I've chilled out. Others' reactivity doesn't scare me as much as it used to, either. Less anxiety. That mass in my solar plexus shrunk in size. I feel more centered. My self-esteem feels higher. Less depression. Besides the nihilism, it's almost completely gone. I'm feeling happy for no reason. Groundedness. I CAN FEEL MY LEGS!!!! My hands and feet are not cold all the time either. Love. I already mentioned this one, but almost out of nowhere, I feel it again in the chest. It's swelling as I write this <3 (Pfft...) Layers. Lots of layers of old emotional baggage coming to the surface. Not fun, but necessary to integrate. Posture. The way I hold myself is more like a healthy human being and less like a slimy weasel. Emotional intelligence. This one's weird. I'm starting to intuit emotions - clairsentience perhaps? I'm beginning to sense the underlying moods of the person I'm talking to - what's being said beyond the surface context. Lower voice. Maybe it's also from the screaming, but my voice is lower, more resonant, and less annoying-sounding.

my misanthropic personality. I had a reiki session for the first time yesterday, and old layers are coming to the surface today. One of the major insights that solidified was this: my body fundamentally distrusts the world. I say "my body" because it's a visceral, non-rational, almost involuntary thing. It doesn't feel safe anywhere. I show it the supportive family, the skill-set, the stable financial situation... but the body refuses to believe that it's fundamentally safe. If anyone's read "It's Not About The Money," it's basically the Saver archetype run amok. I feel uber-protective about everything, not just money. I don't really hoard stuff anymore, but I'm unwilling to give away, unwilling to let go at the most fundamental level. It reflects in my resistance to reaching out to others: my misanthropic personality. I did some research when I got here. My mom told me that when I was still in utero, she was almost hit by a car. On top of that, she had to wean me a month after I was born because she was too anxious to produce any more milk. Stack that on top of having an autistic brother, having a father who exhibited the same fundamental misanthropic personality, and being rejected throughout the school years. It's no wonder that I live so much in my head - nowhere else felt safe.

a glimpse of something more. I took a trip to the city. It was nice to be around people again, to interact with someone other than my parents or neighbors. But I need to share something that happened. I had another breakthrough. A glimpse of something more... The yoga has supercharged my meditation. I've had more growth in the past month or so than I've had over the past several. What's happened as a result, is that I'm really starting to pierce through "context." What is context? It's the stories you weave about your situation, about the roles you and others play, about the judgments you make towards others. I'm really beginning to grasp how my thoughts create all the context. Behind the context is the phenomenal essence of perception - what some call Atman, some call awareness, others call soul... doesn't matter. What happened, is that I walked into the hotel, began to check in to the front desk, and saw through all context. I saw through "hotel receptionist." I saw through "woman." I saw through "ugly." I saw through "human being." And I saw her essence, which was me. We were one and the same. Then I saw it with the valet parking dude. Then a guest who walked by me in her expensive coat. All the same. ALL THE SAME! The same expression of that One movement. No matter who it was, how ugly or pretty or rich they looked - all the same essence. The best way I can describe it is by relating it to the movie Anomalisa, where the main character navigates a world where everyone has the same face and voice. While the movie gives this a negative connotation, I think the direct experience that everyone's essentiallly the same is more positive. Yes, it is a little eerie, because it comes with a deep feeling of existential aloneness. At the same time, it's life-affirming, because it urges me to treat everyone with equal respect. It shows me that there's nothing anyone can give me that I can't give myself (especially love and approval). It also shows me that rejection and any negative emotions directed towards me are all a part of context, which is all existentially untrue. Which means, there's fundamentally no reason to be afraid of social interaction, unless being socially anxious serves me in some unconscious way (it does). These are all non-abiding insights. I'm excited and kind of scared to see where this will take me.

Your laughing is priceless. Thank you for sharing!

@Liam Johnson I love your brutal honesty in these entries. Keep it up! Follow the joy...

@Natasha Someone who knows about the other stages is not automatically stage Yellow, in my experience. I thought I was yellow when I first heard about Spiral Dynamics. But I was still resistant and close-minded to the Greenies, which made me mostly Orange. Now, I think I have some yellow, but not much

Omg, I just had this realization about a month ago and couldn't put it into words. Thank you for spelling it out!

baby don't hurt me. OMG, I feel it. I feel it I feel it I feel it I feel it. Love. LOVE! I thought it was gone for good. I thought I'd never feel it again. But here I am, feeling it towards myself and my family members again. I was tearing up again this morning because of how grateful I am to feel it. I know I know, I'm a crybaby. More specifically, it's compassion. My dad's had health issues lately and he's being more reactive than ever. Normally, I'd be lashing out at him, but I haven't. I feel this deep desire for him to be happy, to be well. Same with my mom, and same with my brother. Not even a month ago I was spiteful. I wanted them to bow down to me. I wanted to proselytize them. Now, I see the ego behind those intentions. Now, I see that their journey takes place in GOD'S TIME, not mine. And all I can really do, is develop my own capacity to love. I like this definition of love: The sincere wish for ourselves and others to be happy. Stage Green, here I come!

@Leo Gura I'm surprised you still live in Vegas. Have you considered moving to a higher consciousness city?

When my body won't hold me anymore And it finally lets me free Will I be ready? When my feet won't walk another mile And my lips give their last kiss goodbye Will my hands be steady? When I lay down my fears My hopes and my doubts The rings on my fingers And the keys to my house With no hard feelings When the sun hangs low in the west And the light in my chest Won't be kept held at bay any longer When the jealousy fades away And it's ash and dust for cash and lust And it's just hallelujah And love in thoughts and love in the words Love in the songs they sing in the church And no hard feelings Lord knows they haven't done Much good for anyone Kept me afraid and cold With so much to have and hold When my body won't hold me anymore And it finally lets me free Where will I go? Will the trade winds take me south Through Georgia grain or tropical rain Or snow from the heavens? Will I join with the ocean blue Or run into the savior true And shake hands laughing And walk through the night Straight to the light Holding the love I've known in my life And no hard feelings Lord knows they haven't done Much good for anyone Kept me afraid and cold With so much to have and hold Under the curving sky I'm finally learning why It matters for me and you To say it and mean it to For life and its loveliness And all of its ugliness Good as its been to me I have no enemies...

getting somewhere? Looks like I've still got some victim mentality in me... Interesting. Good catch, dawg. Okay, onto the next belief: "I should get somewhere." That seems to be the gist of it. Is this true? Well, yeah! YOLO (in this body, at least). I've got a fire in my ass to self-actualize, to know myself, to acquire the deepest possible understanding of life. I'm lacking that right now. What the hell else am I going to do? Ride on those damn camels some more? I've got to hurry, because the clock is ticking, and I could die at any moment. Hurry hurry hurry! Is this absolutely true? It's true to me. But in the absolute sense, I guess not. In the grand scheme of things, I'll go to the grave carrying nothing with me. Life is a motel with extended stay. Nothing's really lacking in this moment, I get that. Meditation has helped me realize this. But during the day, it feels like something is lacking. Like I really need to get somewhere, to make something of my life! Or else... I'm a failure. Or else... I lose my chance to fully grasp what this place is all about. Or else... I don't beat the game. Or else... I miss out. FOMO to the utmost degree here. How do you react when you believe this thought? Extreme anxiety in the pit of my belly. I literally found a mass there, so I got an ultrasound and they said everything was normal. My guess is that it's anxious muscular tension. This anxiety that I will miss out on self-mastery if I don't devote 100% of my time and effort into it. My mind is constantly thinking about the future, avoiding the present, and disregarding the past. My body's completely arrested by FOMO. Who would you be without that thought? I'd be relaxed for a change. I'd find more time to just...well, enjoy life! To look around and appreciate everything without all the tension of needing to get somewhere, just how it felt on my first LSD trip. That would come at a price though. I would have to let go of the "me" that expects to get somewhere: The Perfectionist Maximizer. I would have to let go of my MO that has been successful for years but that has also made me fucking miserable. And while that sounds easy to let go of, it's not. It's me. What if you shouldn't get somewhere? What if you shouldn't work on self-mastery? Can you think of times when that would be true? Yeah. Eating dinner with the family. Snowshoeing in the trail outside. Oh God...this is ridiculous. When I start thinking about these scenarios, I still believe that I should approach them with the intention of self-mastery. I find myself contemplating/doing mindfulness at dinner. Contemplating/doing mindfulness on the snowshoe trail. Hell, even contemplating/doing mindfulness in the bathroom! All with this burning desire to get to the bottom of things and improve myself. Oh lordy lord. Isn't that what I'm doing right now? Fuck! I'm going to need more work on this belief. Wait a sec... Hahahaha...see what you're doing there!? The song I want to share deserves its own post...

"Stop with bullshit theories, and start debating." Uhhhhh....... That's kind of like saying, stop eating fruit, and start eating bananas.

i'm a muggled muddle. I looked further into my confusion, and in it is an anxiety that I have to make some grand accomplishment in order to feel "complete" in this lifetime, as well as a deep depression that there's no point in trying to engage with the outer world because every time I try, I fail. Damn, those two beliefs are like peas and carrots. Let's deal with the second one, since you're feeling it right now: "I shouldn't bother trying, because I fail every time." Is this true? Sure as hell feels like it. Why did I end up here, back at the parents' house, of all places? The only 23-year-old in this god-forsaken town? Disconnected from everyone and everything except for nature, with parents that have no clue what I'm really going through because they have yet to go through it themselves? With little idea of what to do next? Because I've failed as a human being. All the human shit that most humans do - socializing, dating, professionalizing themselves - I can't seem to do. For the past three years I tried. But I was thrown in the dirt. Just like I've been in the past, with the countless rejections and bullies. So now, I retreat to the inner world, because the outer world sucks balls. Can you absolutely know this is true? Of course not. How do you react when you believe that thought? I react the same way I did when I got here: collapse. Head sinks down. Lack of desire to do anything but mental masturbation and inner work. Also, a plunge in self-esteem. I feel less efficacious. Oh! And anger. Who would you be without that thought? I'd probably be a bit more engaging. I'd have higher self-esteem. I'd probably have a "let's see what happens" mentality more than a "you should do this and do it perfectly" mentality. God, the fucking perfectionism... What if you should bother trying, because you don't fail every time? I mean, what the fuck else am I going to do? Twiddle my thumbs? Ride on those doped-out camels all day contemplating what it all means? I see very clearly that relationship is a wound that needs healing. I see that I'm eventually going to have to double back and deal with it. The depression was debilitating before, but now I think I've got a good handle on it. Good. Another thing to keep in mind: No need to go from zero to one hundred. Small steps, my friend. Thanks me....

diet change. The more yoga I do, the more connected to my body I feel. The more connected to my body I feel, the more grounded I am. The more grounded I am, the less desire I have to eat meat. I gravitated to the ketogenic diet in August because I was so ungrounded, depressed, and disconnected from reality. Not to mention I had an eating disorder. It was an amazing tool for me. The diet kept me satiated and kept my mind off of food. It established fat-burning metabolic machinery within me. Meat is a very dense, energetically grounding food, which is precisely what I needed at the time. Now that those problems are beginning to dissolve, I'm following my body's intuition and gravitating back towards a mostly plant-based diet. Except this time, there will be no moralizing. Only following the body's cues. I couldn't find any pictures of Ziggy on my computer, so here are some doped-out Israeli camels.

keep on keeping on. Another epic cry, triggered by singing and playing guitar. More like a wail. I lost my voice, but I can still write. I'm sad because I'm lost. I feel like I'm being pulled in a million different directions at once. Life is so goddamn confusing sometimes. I'm sad because I may have to stop songwriting and try something else. I don't have any desire to improve in it, nor any creative drive to write songs. I can't seem to get myself on track with it anymore. I used to practice every day; now it's close to once a week. I can't get past "The Dip," as Seth Godin calls it, nor am I really driven to do so. At the same time, it feels like a part of me will die if I quit. So I mourn the loss of that part of me. I'm sad because I forgot how to live life. I take it so goddamn seriously, especially self-actualization. Self-mastery is a "Dip" I'm willing to confront. But it's as though I'm expecting to actually "get somewhere," you know that feeling? This anxiety that maybe once you _____, you can finally relax? That you won't accomplish all that you feel you need to accomplish before you die? My body clenches at the navel area every chance it gets. "whatifwhatifbutyougottawhatifhurryupobligation," it says in its language-less language. I remember a time back at my old house when I was actually "there." I was having a slumber party in the playroom with my brother, listening for Santa Clause on the roof. I was so excited. I actually felt joy. I actually felt deep love for my family members. Now I cry of gratitude, because I can begin to feel it again. I see how depressed and unfulfilled my family members are at their current level of consciousness. I can feel it. It doesn't feel like a projection anymore. I'm so sad for them, and I wish them all the healing in the world. A couple months ago, I wanted to punch my dad in the face. All I want to do now is reassure him, tell him that life doesn't have to be so empty, that you can drop your rationality and feel without any harm. But he wouldn't understand me. He just wouldn't understand. Maybe he'd understand a big hug. And most of all, I have this giant pain-body for everyone around me. I just want to give everyone in the world a huge hug. Whoever's reading this: you deserve it. Keep on keeping on. It gets better.

@Monkey-man Jed's writing is dramatic at times, but as Leo points out, they are indeed a work of love. I've talked with him personally, and he does have a compassionate air about him. I'm so glad I read his books before any other nonduality books, because they really cut the crap and get to the chase. However, don't take the drama too seriously, or else you risk zen devilry, which was the trap I fell into afterwards. I gave up meditation for awhile after reading his books, a mistake on my part. I became dogmatically anti-dogmatic, closing my mind down to all "New Age BS," which is precisely what I needed at the time. So, do take his work seriously, but maintain a holistic open mind. Enlightenment is a mastery process, not a neo-advaitan "there's nothing to do" farce.

Sorry to hear all of that. Here's what I think; take it or leave it. First thing's first: you're in a heavily toxic environment. Get yourself out of there as soon as you can. Stay with friends, extended family, or go back into retail if need be in order to build funds for your escape. You won't be able to resolve your issues when you're being barraged on all sides. I know how it feels to be around someone you can't win an argument with. It's incredibly frustrating. Best to keep your distance and be respectful about it. If he tries to guilt you for your actions, realize that you're an adult and he can't stop you. You can deal with all of the conflicting emotions later when you're in a quieter environment. It doesn't work that way. The fact that you're "trying" to build motivation says that you don't want to do it. You don't want to do any of the shit that your dad does. In fact, you probably want nothing to do with him. You just don't want to admit it. Because on one end, he's family. On the other end, he's being an asshole. You resent him and love him at the same time, and you feel ashasmed for your resentment. Which leads to: Once you're out of there, resolve your victim/shame mentality, otherwise you will conjure up the same environment that you escaped from. That requires lots of inner work and self-acceptance. When I was in your position, what helped me personally was Louise Hay's You Can Heal Your Life. However, it'll be difficult to follow through on all the exercises in your current environment. So again, just leave respectfully. Best wishes to you.

opening the heart. I just had an epic cry, triggered by an exercise in a book: "Remember a moment when you deeply loved someone, maybe a newborn baby, a pet or a child." I immediately thought about Ziggy, one of the six guinea pigs I owned back in the day. My chest swelled for that little thing. He was a rare little piggy, in that he never bit my fingers, only licked them. We would have a routine: I would take him out of his cage, put him on the sofa, lie down next to him and outstretch my arm, and he would burrow into my armpit. We found out while traveling that he had a tumor in his abdomen. Dad said there were two options: surgery or euthanasia. I decided on the latter, but by the time we got back, nature already did it for us. I never had a chance to say goodbye. I wasn't crying today because I miss him. I was crying for the loss of myself, the part of me that loved unconditionally. I was crying for all the people around me who also have wounded hearts and dysfunctional relationships. What happened? Where did all the love go? I also find it kind of sad that I could only really love my pets unconditionally. I closed my heart at a very early age, and pets were my way of feeding it. Now, with all the chakra work, yoga, and bioenergetic stuff I'm doing, it's becoming harder and harder to live without this deep love. It's becoming harder to witness how manipulative I am, and how manipulative I've been, in my relationships. And sadly, it's becoming harder to be around people who are also manipulative, who have also closed their hearts to ego. I'm referring mostly to my parents. I feel a sort of tenderness and compassion towards them, but also immense sadness. They may never see the light of day, and I have to accept that. I also think about the collective unconscious, all of the ethnic, cultural, and gender groups that have been wronged in the past and act in accordance with those hurts. There's so much suffering there, I can feel it. So much sadness. And what can I do, except open my own heart? It's funny. A year ago, I would have read what I just wrote and been like, "WTF? How much more woo can you get?" But as I move into post-rationalism, words matter less and feeling matters more.

i'm a muddled muggle. I'm confused about where I'm headed. Explain? On the one hand, I'm interested in music. I have an innate talent for it. On the other hand, I'm interested in self-mastery. I see the supreme importance of waking up. What do you spend most of your time doing? Learning, reading, contemplating, yoga, journaling, meditating, doing the inner work. I have ZERO desire to get better at guitar, little desire to get better at singing, and some desire to get better at production. I usually have a lot of resistance to do music-related stuff, but I can spend literally all day doing self-mastery work if I had to. Then what's the issue? Forget about talent; mastery and discipline should be the focus. Do the things you can stay consistent with, the things you feel intrinsically motivated to do. For you, it's self-mastery, not music. But I feel an obligation to pursue music. All of the things I'm afraid of will have to be faced if I pursue music: my inner critic, being judged by others, humiliation, socializing, marketing, business, being flexible, the list goes on. In a sense, pursuing music would be pursuing self-mastery, since the obstacle is the way, is it not? And perhaps my current interest in "inner work" is just a ploy to run away from my true fears. Before my retreat up here, I spent the past three years trying to pursue music with supreme frustration because I had newbie levels of self-mastery. Don't these things dovetail with each other? Why can't you do both? Sage by day, musician by night? I just can't seem to shake off this black-and-white thinking: that I need to focus on ONE field, and put all my time and effort into that and nothing else. That hobbies (and pretty much everything besides self-mastery) are pointless distractions. So I feel split down the middle, and my feelings are all muddled. You stated two beliefs that seem to clash with your inner compass. Where did you acquire them? Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey. Who do you think? Time to get to work on these ones.

thermodynamics, my ass. I know it served me well in organic chemistry, but fuck the first law of thermodynamics. Energy can be created or destroyed out of thin air. At least that's my own experience. Energy is relative and holistic. Meaning, it doesn't just come from what you put into your body. It also comes from emotions. Hence the name, e-motion, energy in motion. When you repress emotions, you block the flow of your energy body, and you end up feeling exhausted all the time. There's someone I know who's a perfect example of this. She complains all the time about how exhausted she is, all while she's in a marriage she doesn't want to be in, does shit she doesn't want to do, moralizes herself to death, and denies these things. She's also scatter-brained, ungrounded, and complains of being cold often. It requires a lot of energy to live a lie. So here's my personal law of thermodynamics: When you do shit you don't want to do (extrinsic motivation), you lose energy, since most of it is directed towards repression. When you do shit you actually want to do (intrinsic motivation), you gain god-given boundless energy. Of course, in order to get to the latter, you have to feel through and express all of the emotions you've been denying. It's like breaking a dam. The water may slap you in the face at first, but when the river starts flowing again, you begin to realize how much more worthwhile it is to be true to yourself.

unconsciousness sucks? How does vindictiveness serve your self-agenda? It creates a divide between "oppressor" and "oppressed." By one-upping the oppressor, I can rise above them and feel superior, separate, and no longer oppressed. What happens when you finally get your revenge? Imagine it right now. I'd feel a personal victory that would wear off after a couple days. Then I could see myself craving more and more of it. Because really, all the scrambling around for revenge and feeling superior would be an effort to avoid suffering, not to attain happiness. Like running on a perpetual treadmill. Stop running, and fall into... Despair. Yes. That deep, dark despair. I don't actually want revenge. I just don't want to feel worthless. I don't want to feel like my life is going down the drain. I want to put the blame on others so I don't have to take responsibility for my own life and my own situation, so I can wait for someone or something to live my life for me. I admit it. I'm being an emotional weasel. I'm out of touch with what I want because I've spent my whole life avoiding what I don't want. And now, the process of accepting the unacceptable. Yes. The obstacle is the way. Forgiving others for their unconsciousness. Forgiving anyone who has wronged me. And most importantly, forgiving myself for my own unconsciousness. I shall continue to dive into the truth of my low self-esteem, cry my guts out, and fucking own it. I will change only through acceptance and surrender.

unconsciousness still sucks. Happy thanksgiving, unconscious bitch. I see you're still bothered by unconsciousness. Of course I am. I mean, I see what @zenjen is pointing to. I see how this is all my own projection, that reality is what it is. But there's still so much resentment in me. Is it resentment? Feel into it. Go deeper. Hurt. It's hurt. I feel undermined. Like I'm not heard. Good. Anything deeper than that? VINDICTIVENESS! FUCK! I've been bullied all my life by those unconscious fucks and I want to show them who's boss! I'm going to be the most enlightened motherfucker they've ever come to know! And when their life goes down the drain because of their own unconsciousness, they'll come back to me, and I'll get the supreme satisfaction in saying, "I told you so." I'm going to work my ass off to be the most perfect example of a human being, just to rub it in their faces. Interesting. Anything even deeper than that? A sense of not being good enough. It's fairly obvious. The only reason I'd be vindictive is because I feel deficient inside and I want to one-up in order to rise above. But this game will get me nowhere. I can get all the revenge I want, but I will never fix the gaping psychological hole that I'm not good enough. The whole idea of personal worth needs to be transcended completely. Wow. Look at you! Yeah... a prison of my own making... Now it's just a matter of feeling through all of this.

As a contrast to this video: