jjer94

captain fireheart. Phew! I braved yet another ego shitstorm. Not sure when the next one will hit. The emotional weather forecast predicts sunny tomorrow... But who knows; those damn weathermen are wrong most of the time. Speaking of weather, I think that's been a main contributing factor. The long winter, lack of light, and loneliness is making me stir-crazy. Suicidal thoughts, but no planning. I just collapse on my bed. That's much easier to handle, because the body usually gets up on its own. Over the past couple days, here's what's helped me: familial support, talk therapy, staying in nutritional ketosis, omega-3's, st. john's wort, prayer, and patience. Still, things are very rickety. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. Anyway, I released my EP, Captain Fireheart, tonight. It's a rendering of the five stages of grief, what I felt after my friend committed suicide. It also pays homage to the awakening process. I sprinkled in a few nonduality references here and there, as always with my songwriting. By the way, the album art is one of his drawings. He was going through his own awakening process before I even heard about enlightenment. Back then, he kept telling me about Terrence McKenna and the power of psychedelics, and he kept asking me insistently, "WHAT IS CONSCIOUSNESS? WHAT IS IT?" In my ignorance, I dismissed him. But now, I'm carrying his torch. He's the one who brought me to this path. If only I knew then what I know now... Rest in peace, Captain. May you be blessed. You can check it out here: To access lyrics, click on the individual songs, or go to the bandcamp site: https://bschwartz.bandcamp.com/album/captain-fireheart The EP is meant to be listened in one sitting, since the songs flow into each other, just like emotions. I also plan to publish it on spotify eventually. All in due time. Cheers!

the story of big amrahp. A long time ago, in a Super Mario Galaxy far far away, lived a village of trashcans. They were happy trashcans, trashing about in their natural habitat of banana peels and rotten mushrooms. Some of them drove dump trucks; others were guild masters. Having no predators or pressing issues, they didn't worry about much. Being the happy trashcans that they were, their trashy libido went rampant, and as a result, the trashcan population increased exponentially. After years of horny trashcan debauchery, the village population got too big for its own good. The biggest issue was the smell: like stinky toe cheese mixed with slimy mold. A recipe for disaster. That's when she came into town to save the day... or so some trashcans thought. They nicknamed her Big Amrahp, because she was an enormous trashcan full of mounds of decaying flesh. But she didn't seem to care about her own ungodly smell; instead, she focused on helping eliminate the smell of other trashcans. "The problem is the smell!" Big Amrahp preached at the villagers. "The solution is this perfume!" She pointed at a resident trashcan with her rim. "You! Come hither. Let me fix your smell problem." Resident trashcan sidled to Big Amrahp, and she proceeded to spray him with the super special perfume. Within seconds, the smell dissipated. All of the villagers stared in awe. Resident trashcan bowed his rim to Big Amrahp, trashy tears in his eyes. "Oh my god, I can breathe again! Thank you so much, Big Amrahp! Anything else I should know?" "You are very welcome, my lovely," she replied. "Uhhhhh...yyyyyyeeeeeeaaaah, there are a few side effects you should watch out for. You may find some rusting on the can here and there, and you may feel a little...woozy at times. But not to worry! I have this other perfume to help with that!" Big Amrahp proceeded to spray resident trashcan with the second perfume. "Oh! And one more thing! These perfumes don't last forever. The smell will come back. So all you need to do is fill out this form here and I'll supply you with a life-time of perfume!" Resident trashcan proceeded to fill out the form, taking note of the exorbitant costs, but too enamored with the perfume smell to care. A skeptical trashcan raised his trashy arms in protest. "Hey!!! There's gotta be another solution! My fellow trashcans can't depend on this damn perfume their whole lives! That shit is expensive! Wait a sec...why don't we just be responsible citizens and take out our own tra-----" Big Amrahp quickly interrupted. "That's enough, skeptical trashcan! Your ideas are not supported by my trashy science. My fellow trashcans, take a look at this silly fellow! Here's an example of someone who doesn't know any better. Come on, laugh at him with me!" The entire village, hypnotized by Big Amrahp's charisma and scientific pull, began to point the finger laugh hysterically at skeptical trashcan. "Go back to the jungle with your voodoo shamanic trashcans!" One trashcan shouted. "Come on, man! Why did you have to say that? You know you should trust trashy science!" Another trashcan exclaimed. The skeptical trashcan, rims now hunched in shame, began to slink away towards the outskirts of the village, never to be seen again. Years later, some trashcans rumored that they saw him sitting on a mountain with other trashcans with no trash in their cans. But they knew that was a tall tale, and so they continued to go about their life, spraying perfume for the rest of their days.

@JustinS I get that...Nisargadatta's "follow the I Am" pointer. However, when the tantrums hit, awareness goes out the window, and it becomes near impossible to reclaim it. So I just collapse and wait for the ego shitstorm to blow over. I'll see if I can remember your advice in those moments. @Marc Schinkel Yeah, the Adya video... That's me. Thanks for the support, guys.

dead tired. Meditation, yoga. Visualizations. Breathing exercises. Yoga nidra. Acupressure, acupuncture. Bioenergetic exercises. Cold showers. Warm baths. Massage therapy, myofascial release. Massage balls. Clean whole food eating. Intermittent fasting. Journaling. Online courses. Seminars and workshops. Pursuit of creativity. Familial support. Financial support. Hmm...what else...100+ nonfiction books I've read over the past two years. Psychedelic therapy. Talk therapy. Goal setting. Strategizing. The Work. The Sedona Method. And many others. All of this, and I still have these persistent bouts of depression. I still have low self-esteem. I still don't feel good in my body. I still have these nagging health issues. I can't focus, I can't commit to anything, I can't fit in, I can't I can't I can't. I made a vow that if things don't get any better by the end of next year, I'm pulling the plug. This shit is too painful. I don't get it. I don't get how to be human. I don't get how to be happy and functional. The Buddhists say happiness is your natural state - well I call bullshit. I find myself in constant low-grade melancholy most of the time. The subconscious wants me dead, even though the conscious knows that none of these narratives are true. I've been fighting it for so long, and I'm tired. I may have to go on psychiatric meds for a bit - ya know, spraypaint some rust. Surely that'll solve the issue....#sarcasm What I haven't tried are the heavier psychedelics such as Ayahuasca. Over the past year, I've had four dreams in which I've imbibed the substance. Perhaps she's calling to me.

coping is not sustainable. I feel so sad. Seriously sad. A third of a year into daily yoga, and while I'm much less reactive, my body tensions refuse let up. My gut is not cooperating with me. I can make my back crack five times every two minutes. I just don't feel good in my body! I feel like an old soul trapped in an old man's decrepit body that happens to look young. I feel like Christopher McCandless, diving deeper and deeper into the wild of my psyche, only to realize that life is about duality. Another word for duality - relationship. And I happen to be missing a key component of being human: fulfilling human relationship. The loneliness torments me. It's tormented me all these years. Trying to fit into friend groups, being rejected over and over. Getting continually frustrated, anxious, and then socially avoidant because my body shuts down when it's overwhelmed. Carrying low self-esteem, perfectionism, and fears of dependency into personal development and spirituality, where I try to make myself feel worthy to others when I don't fully value myself yet. Putting the cart before the horse. Leaving my tension-filled body to enter the headspace. Losing all touch with sensate reality; only stories of how limited I am, how I will not be able to support myself financially, how I will always feel this lonely even in a crowd, how I'm damaged goods and nature ought to cull me. Only the void. An empty life, with empty human relationships. Too self-centered, distracted, and disembodied to think about others. Not a spiritually enlightened psyche; a fragmented psyche that pretends to be spiritually enlightened. But it's getting better. I feel okay to feel this way (Thank you, Matt Kahn). Before, I would push these feelings away. Now, it's time to get real. This psyche, this body, this whatever, has needs. I've coped without most of them for awhile now. But coping is not sustainable. Life is passing me by, and I can either spend the rest of it wasting away in denial, or I can dust myself off for the thousandth time and try again. I'm working up to Thomas Edison numbers, dag 'nabbit. What the hell else is there to do. This is real spirituality: it's expand beyond fear and be humbled, or die. And I mean, real expansion. Like, actually reclaiming my psyche and my body instead of participating in the spiritual olympics. For starters, here's the truth that's hard for me to admit: Human relationship is more important than I originally thought.

yin and yang. Nonduality: There is absolutely nothing I need, ever. The Dream: As a video game character in a simulation-less simulation, I have many needs. A good idea is to fulfill them. Gives me something fun to do while I'm waiting to die. Nonduality: There is absolutely nothing to seek. I am that I am. Tat tvam asi. The Dream: I can spend my entire life seeking and still not find everything. How cool is that? Nonduality: I am Nothingness/God/Brahman/Consciousness/Awareness/Einsof/Abyss/Allah/White Whale/Flying Spaghetti Monster, and I just sit there, being myself. The Dream: I am a unique video game avatar, with quirks, strengths, weaknesses, and apparent free will. I can spend my entire life in the dream discovering myself. That involves lots of suffering, but also lots of peaks. The cool part: I can learn to make suffering just as meaningful as the peaks. As mah neighbah Nietzsche once said, "He who has a why to live for can bear with almost any how." Nonduality: In order to discover myself, I have to die. The Dream: In order to discover myself, I have to live.

You have no idea... Thank you for the encouragement Shin <3

actually not a camel. Ahh, finally back in the den. Much to talk about, but I don't know where to start... I just spent the past week in a professional music studio, where I recorded my own EP. I'll share it when it's ready! Surely you've been wondering whether this random forum member is actually not a camel...? The process was intensely satisfying. My creative juices were funneled into the project, leaving me little inkling to write here. I am a bit conflicted, however. Is this still a hobby, or is this something worth pursuing deeper? I know I'm nowhere near as dedicated as some of the other admirable musicians on this forum. I don't practice much, at all. I don't care much for technique or mastery of any particular instrument. Instead, I work with music intuitively. I like how different combinations of sounds work together. I like the feel. I like how the absence of sound or instrumentation can be just as powerful. Also, as an INFJ, what I care about is the meaning. The messages oozing from the music. How the music works holistically to deliver those messages. How music connects people. How it can create cultural revolutions. How it connects dots. Still, parts of my life feel missing, and I don't think music will be able to fill every hole. Life-purpose-wise, it's up in the air.

@Natasha Loooooooove avocadoes and walnuts I hope you're doing well! <3

@Slade I watched this last night. You may be interested: A.V. was afraid of eating raw meat for over a decade, even though it healed his body. And even if it is bullshit, his story is entertaining nonetheless. The thing is, most people on this forum are vegetarian/vegan. Don't expect encouragement on this topic. The best way to find out if the diet works is to test it out yourself. You can start by going keto. I've had tons of success with a cyclical ketogenic diet. Mental clarity, satiation, alleviated depression, sustained energy, easy to fast.

i don't know what to eat anymore. Face bloat, acne, brain fog, irritability, inability to focus, loss of muscle mass, back pain, anxiety, and the grand winner...depression. Within a month of being a grain-based vegetarian, I have all of these symptoms. I wanted to be vegetarian so badly. I thought it would be the perfect balanced diet for me. I still think it's the most ethically sound, longevity-enhancing, and most sustainable way of eating. After watching all the documentaries and reading all the books, I understand that there's not enough non-factory-farmed animals to feed every human. I understand that we're overfishing and may run some species extinct in another fifty years. I understand that with meat comes the lack of fiber, the hormones, etc. But I can't deny how I feel. I'm currently out of town. For dinner last night, I ate a can of sardines. You know that terrible "knee-jerk demon spawn" depression I was writing about before? GONE. WITHIN MINUTES of eating the fish. I'm not exaggerating. WTF!? I woke up this morning with a spring in my step, and my mind is racing with creativity. I wish it were placebo, but this is night and day. Of course, not all symptoms are due to diet; I take an integral approach to PD and know that other things like yoga, journaling, talk therapy, etc work synergistically. But seriously, WTF. I feel like a different person. I don't hate myself! At the same time, I feel so damn conflicted. I don't know what to eat anymore! Everything is bad, everything causes cancer and heart disease. Every food has tradeoffs - except for vegetables. What I do know, is that my body knows better than any of the mind's moralizations. So I'm going to follow the body. Sorry, vegetarians and vegans; I've failed you. (Also, sorry Mom. I love you!)

welcome back! Welp, here he comes again. Hey there, Depression! I had a feeling you'd be back. Come, sit, have a cup of tea with me. Let me give you the mic. D: I'M SUCH A FUCKUP! Depression, anxiety, sensitivity, neuroticism, chronic health issues, victim mentality - all inherited from my mom's side. The same karmic cycles repeated through three generations: my grandma to my mom, and my mom to me. And worst of all, I'M A MAN! At least I'd be more socially accepted as a female. FUCK! Birth trauma, being smothered as a kid, having decisions made for me, being called a wimp and a crybaby, being encouraged to "man up". Expected to stay at the same job for forty years, get married, have kids, lead a "keep up with the Joneses" kind of life, just like my dad and brother, who are polar opposites to me. CONGRATULATIONS, MOM! YOU CREATED FRANKENSTEIN'S MONSTER! Wow-wee. Where do we start? Hmm... So why does Mom infuriate you? D: Because she fucking made me. Now I have to go through years of therapy to just be at the same psychological stability as your average joe. How many years wasted, chasing my tail. Who knows... thanks, Mom! You believe Mom shouldn't have made you. Is that true? D: Yes. I just want to be normal. I just want to fit in for once in my stupid fucking life. I have no more anesthesia, and it's driving me nuts. I'm so lonely, none of my family understands what I'm going through, and even if I started being honest like this, they'd lash back out at me because they themselves are so psychologically underdeveloped. My birth wasn't a mistake, but I am a mistake. Dayum, a lot more assumptions there. But what's the reality of the situation? D: The reality is: she made me, I am the way I am, and I'm doing all that I can to cope. How do you react when you believe these thoughts? D: How do you think? I get fucking depressed! I get hopeless! I get INFURIATED at everyone and everything! I fucking HATE myself! I hate how emotionally unstable I am! I hate how life just LAID all this shit on me, and now I'm expected to deal with it, while everyone else my age is moving on with their lives like it's a fucking cake walk. I feel like I shouldn't have been born! Who would you be without these thoughts? D: I'd be...present. I'd be able to meditate without going crazy. I'd savor the moment. I'd stay devoted to the pathless path, über disciplined, with the hope that it will transform me over the years. I'd accept myself, warts and all. I'd accept that I'm different from most guys my age, and there's nothing fundamentally wrong about that - it is what it is. I'd learn to cultivate my strengths to the utmost degree. I'd be willing to laugh at myself. I'd see my shortcomings as my strengths. I'd be willing to show my face to others without shame, and maybe have a chance at making friends again. Ahh, there. We have much more to discuss, Señor Depression.

mind, inc. I'm still glowing from that on-the-fly zazenkai. I feel happy for a change! Genuinely happy. My depression is gone, my anxiety much less. Though I suspect these things will come back in waves as ego continues to buck like a bronco. I learned, on a visceral level, that what we call "reality" is all in the mind. Society, humanity, the future, work, pay, self survival. It's all thoughts. My depression only appears when I blow these stories out of proportion. Here's another way to put it: Right now, I'm in my bedroom, typing these words. I have food, water, shelter, and a place to sleep. No immediate threats. No one else in the room. For all I know, I could be the only person in existence right now. But then the mind goes, "But what about my safety in the future? All of the jobs I've done in the past have been royally unfulfilling, and I can't do 9-to-5. That restricts most of my job options. So what now? How will I make ends meet? How will I be able to carry out a purpose? How do I even know what purpose is right for me? It's gotta help others in some way. Fuck. I shouldn't even bother trying, because I've failed so much in the past. I'm done. No way I'll be able to support myself. Society's fucked. It's not made for people like me. There's no hope. May as well kill myself now." That's how insane the mind is. It can manufacture its own world "out there": job, society, others, purpose, et cetera. It can use any evidence to rationalize anything it wants. Then it believes itself, and the body reacts as if its life is being threatened. Hence, anxiety and depression. (Side note: In the context of MBTI, this is expected. The INFJ's inferior cognitive function is extraverted sensing, i.e. being in the here and now.) Yet, all that's happening right now is me typing these words. Some planning is important, but for people like me who live a year into the future and imagine a thousand possibilities every waking moment, meditation and yoga are crucial. There's no stopping me on this journey to nowhere. It's my lifeblood! I've committed to it like a marriage. And a bonus video:

Another side note. I went vegan/raw vegan for half a year and had major issues as well, so I switched back to keto/paleo. In the meantime, I began working on the subtle body through daily yoga and psychedelic therapy, releasing tons of emotions and bodily tensions. Now, after cultivating more body awareness, I'm gravitating back to a plant-based diet. The point is, your issues may not all stem from diet. There are many other factors to consider: psychosomatic tensions, lack of body awareness, daily exercise, PD or spiritual practices, supplements, heredity, anxiety, depression, the list goes on.

Have you ever tried a pressure cooker like the Instant Pot? It cooks grains and legumes much better than stovetop. Also, try these.

By far the best one.

on-the-fly zazenkai. @Danielle's recent post inspired me to do my own little retreat! Due to my current living situation, however, I could only do it for a half day. Even so, I learned SO MUCH more than I thought I would. I shall name this type of retreat...the On-the-fly Zazenkai! The Stats: Began at 7:30 AM, ended at 5:00 PM (or 17:00 for you more sensible folk) 3 hrs meditation Contemplation in between activities 45 minutes contemplative snowshoeing 1 hr yoga 30 min yoga nidra 1 totally heinous trip to the grocery store 5 involuntary yodels Only 1 cry 6 verbal "Fuck!"s 53 green stars collected 2 dragons slain The Equipment: My trusty zafu (that has a hole in it and spills beads everywhere) Insight timer Acupressure mat Snowshoes My dignity The Insights: Distraction = "Since sitting in silence literally equates to my death...hey! Look at this!" Anger = "X wronged me in the past, so I need to reinforce my sense of separateness by breaking shit!" My mind effectively distracted me from meditation by generating these insights to share. I am addicted to the half-baked social sustenance from this forum. I use it to distract myself from face-to-face interaction. I have a mother-and-child relationship with myself. The human psyche is literally insane. It has to be, in order to create something from nothing. The tension deep in my navel: "I'm not safe. I am dependent. Resources are scarce. I need to armor myself against rejection in order to prevent abandonment." The mind wants to do anything BUT look inward. I'm not mindful enough during the day. Most of the time, I'm a scheming bastard. I felt remorseful for the way I treated my mom this morning (which wasn't even that bad). Then I realized that my need to apologize was a knee-jerk reaction stemming from the fear of abandonment. And here I thought that saying sorry was just being courteous...nope. Another ego defense mechanism. We create time in order to avoid being God. Suffering and the need to control are fraternal twins. Upon disintegrating: "YOU'RE TEARING ME APART, LISAAAA!!!!" I am nowhere near ready for a 10-day vipassana retreat. My back is nearly destroyed after three hours of meditation. Physical pain is inherently painless. I officially have a crush on everything. Holyshitholyshitholyshit...nothing to do. This insight goes deeper and deeper. I could die right now and it wouldn't even matter. In a sense, I'm half-dead already. That's...amazing! Life is like icing on the formless cake! I discovered a huge reason why I feel so depressed all the time. More on that in a future post. I can see myself doing something like this every week, or at least an Internet sabbath. I feel amazing, happy, grateful, and in awe. At the same time, I feel terrified about where this will lead. That's all, folks. Tune in next week for another episode of "JJ Goes Crazy," where you can witness my unraveling first-hand!

Just a theory: Artists are usually not grounded in a spiritual practice, making them psychologically volatile. They have no tools to cope with negative thinking, so it tends to snowball until they have to numb it with recreational drugs or alcohol. Spiritual people, on the other hand, are grounded in a spiritual practice, which transforms their psyche and prevents mental instability. Another observation: Artists tend to feel more deeply than most people. On an MBTI, most artists comprise the _NF_ category. Hence the psychological volatility. Source: An artist that would have killed himself a while back if not for daily spiritual practice.

radical leftist shadow-boxing. This interview is legendary: In particular, I'm fascinated with the underlying psychological dynamics. I can sympathize with radical leftists like Cathy. I myself have felt like a victim most of my life. Unresolved victim mentality naturally results in projection - "The other person is evil and should change for me." You can wait forever before they change, or you can adopt a narrative that validates said victim mentality. Enter radical leftism, a group of people who have not taken responsibility for their inner space. It's shadow-boxing on the macrocosmic level. In order to hide the underlying egoic hatred for the oppressor and to make themselves feel good, radical leftists present their arguments under the guise of compassion and inclusivity. But they are far from it: "Your right to free speech should not be above your right to offend ____." They want to design a world where they can avoid all of their own triggers. They want to design a world where they can avoid looking inward. Ken Wilber calls this phenomenon "Boomeritis." Boomeritis is stage green infected with stage red in Spiral Dynamics. An outward hippy, but inward mob boss. I don't deny the patriarchy. I don't deny that feminism and the left's consideration of oppressed groups throughout history has been crucial for the world's psychological advancement. But I think it ought to come from a place of love, not of vindication. That's real liberalism. Coming from a place of love requires lots of inner work though, which is why I think people like Leo are so crucial for the future. Fascinating how our psychological development (or lack thereof) can dictate our political views.

whoa. Whoa. Where did it go? For the past couple days, my social anxiety's been running at 50% capacity. The body is finally starting to give in! It knows that human connection is a crucial aspect to living, and it knows that it can only enjoy others' company when it's relaxed. Benjamin Smythe makes an excellent point on social anxiety: We can only be anxious when we want something from the other person. If we're relaxed in the body and feel complete, we can treat social interaction like a dance rather than a business contract. Though I think it's impossible to not want something out of our relationships, this idea is still useful to keep in mind. I used to compare myself to the average person my age and think how much of a failure I am. But that's like comparing apples to oranges. We're all so different. We all have our unique struggles, our unique upbringing, our unique brain chemistry, our strengths and our weaknesses. We're all at a different place on the journey to nowhere. In the grand scheme of things, age is a poor marker for psychological growth. But compare past JJ to present JJ, and I see considerable growth. (Especially since I started that daily yoga practice, holy shit.) That's good enough for me. I don't need to be a superstar; I just need to know that I'm stretching myself. Sure, I've been more emotionally turbulent, but that's because I'm running out of ways to anesthetize myself. My eyes hurt because I've never used them before.

@phoenix666 We must be long-lost siblings! Parents are your greatest teachers. They are quick to forgive, which allows you to observe your emotional reactions more easily.

the tragic miracle of meaning. The tragedy and miracle of the human condition: we can create meaning where there is none. It's perfect. I don't think meaning is a bug, but a feature. As Jed McKenna said in one of his books, if life had meaning, it wouldn't mean a thing. The tragedy is that we desperately try to find grounding in a groundless universe. We want things to last. We want security, solidity, and familiarity. But no matter how hard we try, eventually our sand castles merge with the beach. The miracle is that meaning is an emergent property, and it's so dang meaningful. We can indulge in meaning for meaning's sake. We can tap into the higher virtues like beauty, purpose, wonder, agape - without even needing a ground for them. At the intersection of the tragedy and the miracle is suffering. But the suffering can mean something, and that makes the world a difference. The movie Blade Runner 2049 exemplifies this dynamic. The protagonist, K, turns out to be the most ordinary replicant with no affiliation with the more "important" characters. And yet, even knowing this fact, he still creates his own purpose. He saves Deckard from another replicant and reunites him with his real daughter. He doesn't care that his life is insignificant in the grand scheme of things. His suffering meant something to him. He found purpose in an otherwise purposeless existence. If that's not a miracle, I don't know what is. P.S. Blade Runner 2049 is an incredibly underrated movie with gorgeous cinematography. Thinking about it and its predecessor makes my heart swell. <3

@Natasha I don't blame you; I don't follow politics either. Trump being a conservative, the focus was on economic growth, domestic security (i.e. immigration reform, tighter borders, the wall), nationalism, heroism, and building a nuclear arsenal. Basically: It is what it is.

shadow boxing, part 42. I'm so goddamn depressed and suicidal and angry right now. At everything. At the world. At Dad. People should be waking up, not falling for this State of the Union bullshit! GAH! Is this true? Fuck yes! Spiral dynamics? The evolution of the psyche? This is the 21st century, and there's still racism! You've gotta be fucking kidding me! Why can't people be more like me? Is this really really true? Yes. Raising consciousness is the prime directive of life, and most people are asleep to it. How do you feel and act when you believe that thought? Furious. Especially at Dad, with his petty little unconscious ego defense mechanisms. My God, wake the fuck up so I can have a decent conversation with you! You're so damn rigid! It's like I'm stepping on eggshells when I talk to you! I have to purposely close myself down and be quiet and agreeable just to please you so I can stay in your house and be a good boy so that I don't have to live out on the streets because I'm too neurotic to support myself otherwise. In other words, Dad, why don't you change your ways and get into PD so I can connect with you instead of having to go out there into the cold dark world myself in order to find my tribe and risk failure and rejection in the process? (Wow, that one's an egoic mouthful.) Sad. This world is going down the shitter. Our ways are not sustainable. We're all going to die prematurely. Nihilistic. Why even bother in a world like this? What's the point? This is a fucking zoo that I don't want to be a part of. We all spiral in and out of nothingness, with a few peak experiences but mostly suffering in between. As human beings with a separate sense of self hard-wired into the brain, we are hard-wired to suffer. We huddle in tribes to avoid the black hole in the center of our existence, adopt beliefs that limit reality and create the illusion of security, and grow like a cancer. What's one stress-free reason to keep these thoughts? I don't have to participate in any of it. I can just kill myself instead. I said stress-free. The act of suicide is very stress-inducing. None. Who would you be without these thoughts? Just someone who does my own business with no concern for those who are asleep. They'll wake up when they wake up. I'd be at peace with it. I'd go elsewhere and find people I can connect with on a deeper level. Maybe I'd admit myself to some facility so I can at least learn how to talk with people without debilitating anxiety. I'd love mom and dad and let them do their thing, while I do my thing. You secretly believe you should be waking up. Yes... I've been distracting myself a lot lately. Not being present. Cutting meditation short. Not doing the work. You secretly believe people shouldn't be more like you. No, they shouldn't. I'm a neurotic mess. I don't accept myself as I am. You secretly believe you're not sustainable. No, I'm not. I would be terrible as a father. At the rate I'm unraveling, I will die prematurely, psychologically and perhaps literally. You secretly believe people who aren't ready shouldn't be waking up. No, they shouldn't. It's a long, arduous process that takes lots of emotional labor. Not everyone is ready for it in this lifetime. You secretly believe you're a fucking zoo that you don't want to be a part of. True dat. I feel out of control, my body feels like a prison, nothing seems to work for me or with me, and I want out. You secretly believe you should wake the fuck up so you can have a decent conversation with your Dad. Yes. I'm too enamored with my own projected bullshit to actually see the soul that is my Dad. Maybe if I let go of all my anger, we could joke around like we used to. You are rigid. Yes. I'm militant about PD and spirituality. Anyone I see who supports tradition and stagnation bothers me. And yet, by holding onto my militant views about PD and spirituality and expecting people to change, I myself am being rigid. Are you willing to let people stay asleep? Are you willing to let them fall for the "State of the Union bullshit," as you call it? Yes and yes. It's too painful to stay angry. If you get triggered in the future, you'll know your work isn't done. Understood. Can you let all of this go now? Yes. I'm sorry for all the bullshit. It's all okay, love. Will you let it go? Yes.

the self-unraveling circus. (In the voice of your friendly neighborhood Donald J Trump) This is the event of the century, folks! Step right up to see JJ's self-unraveling circus! BEHOLD! The bearded victim! A giraffe-necked nihilist! The tallest, mopiest, most anxious superego in the world! An existentialist elephant that prefers cashews over peanuts! Trapeze swingers that contemplate existence in mid-air! WOW-WEE! Punch 'em right in the pu------rpose! You don't want to miss this one, folks! It's going to be TREMENDOUS. (Just like China.) Tickets are sold at the entrance. The price? Your ego! (I'll take that, thank you very much.) Twenty percent of the proceeds go to the Center for Unconscious Individuals. It's a new thing I'm starting up. I like it. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a State of the Union Address to make, where I'm going to talk about JOBS, JOBS, JOBS! Stay strong, my friends!