Nathan

So I'm "Getting back on the path?" after running from it during my first bout of ego-disidentification. I want to do sitting meditation without distraction or part of me wants to... But I've begun to stop trying to force things to happen. I'm kinda just watching reality in motion most of the time and the urgency to meditate keeps arising in my mind but I don't act on it. Feels like I'm meditating in spite of distraction. All in all I'm pretty confused about the concept of making decisions. Am I supposed to be acting on these thoughts occasionally rather than just watching everything go by?

Okay. I'm going to start a morning meditation ritual, hopefully some clarity follows... I could do with some

Thank you. So I'm identifying with awareness which doesn't have an indentity and the ego is able to maintain itself indefinitely like that?

It's something we all go through. We're conditioned from birth to chase "success" in whatever format. Society compells us to rise above the rest and achieve a position of supremacy. We feel really bitter if we don't meet the expectations we set for ourselves or embarrassed of we don't meet the expectation others set for us. You're not evil for being jealous, it's totally normal so don't beat yourself up over it. If you want to feel jealous less often, try to desire less and appreciate what you already have. Easier said than done be patient though.

Life is. Whether it's fair or unfair is dependent on what you expect to get out of it. Explore life, see what it has in store :).

Well there's a lot less distraction, which sounds nice. But I'm attached to my distractions so it also sounds like a bit of a drag.

We have a tendency to tell ourselves all kinds of horrific stories in our minds about what might be coming up in the future, imminent and further down the line. It's fruitless speculation like 100% of the time and it terrifies us stiff. I used to have bad anxiety in 2014 to the extent that I didn't really leave the house out of fear. Things worked out for me eventually, my mind doesn't trouble me nearly as much nowdays. Exercise,Meditation and trying to reduce avoidance of triggers helped me a lot. It's rough and everyone has to deal with their own unique life situation, but stay hopeful, be kind to yourself and have patience. Liberation from your woes certainly isn't out of the question. ?

I feel as though I wish I never read any enlightenment excercises ;_;

There is only THE reality though right? Donald trump exists for each of "you" though we are all the same

What is love anyway?

I can't understand how any of you can be happy. It just feels like a downwards spiral.

Blehh ego life seems better though, I feel too young to become old.

I've always struggled with my esteem, at one point my social anxiety was so bad that I couldn't even talk to my family and closest friends without experiencing physical symptoms. Recently I started appreciating myself and what I stand for and all of a sudden I woke up. I could see everyones insecurities, their intentions... It was extremely overwealming and I kinda freaked out. In any case, I drew a load of attention to myself and said a bunch of stuff that people couldn't comprehend and I guess my sanity is under question at the moment. I can no longer see auras at the moment and I don't think I would like to at the moment either. Although I've committed social suicide... my esteem is still quite high and I go through periods of not caring about judgement. However when I'm in my own corner I feel so energetic and act completely differently to the way I was before which only draws more suspicion. It sucks, I've formed such valuable friendships over the span of two years and now nobody really knows how to approach me. Everyone is walking on eggshells around me. I'm so glad I've realised my potential, but I kinda destroyed my place of belonging in the process. Tl;dr: How do you keep your inner child at bay and appear collected outwardly & how do you remain positive when your life begins to crumble around you.

I mean each of you are posting and all have your own lives etc.

There's a world outside of my own reality view though right? Sonder is a thing right? Even though we're all one conscious hivemind

Thank you. 'I' hit enlightenment but it scared me and I tried to forget it to save my ego, I was scared and my heart rate elevated dramatically. But I do want change, thank you for the book recommendation

I guess I just need to try my best, act "normal" the best way I know how and see how it pans out lol. It's all such a clusterfuck tho

A little background...I'm 23, live in England and work for the national health service (tax funded) in blood sciences. We basically run blood tests to help aid doctors with diagnosis and treatment of patients. The government in this country is currently conservative and funding to public healthcare is insufficient. Our lab doesn't have enough staff to meet current work demands and budget is very tight so new staff won't be recruited anytime soon. I'm just an assistant at the moment and I've always undervalued my own capabilities because society always basically told me I was worthless lol. But recently i've started to think for myself and work hard because I refuse to let people die because of this abyssmal staffing situation. I care about the work, i work overtime for free because I'm unable to get it paid due to shitty budget. People look at me like I'm fucking weird doing that, I didn't realise how cynical people truely are.. But it's not their fault. They think I'm trying to prove something to them or I'm just a screw loose... But I'm just sticking to my principles and trying to make as big a difference as I'm able. I care so much about all of the staff in our team, they're all my friends and I care about them dearly. I tried to make them believe in themselves more but I ended up offending a whole host of people. After escaping the box and seeing how fucking dispirited and insecure all my friends were people I care about... People I looked up to even. It just shook me up i don't know. I had a bit of an existential crisis and felt like I wanted to go back to the old perspective I had, it was just a lot to take in... Ignorance is bliss and all that. I went to seek advice from who I thought was the wisest person in the lab and basically self destructed... I said... "You're secure in yourself right? I've gained some confidence for the first time in my life and my perception has been enhanced so dramatically.... The world is so much worse off than I realised before and I feel like I'm loosing my fucking mind but schizophrenics usually don't question their sanity so much right????" A complete rookie mistake spouting this shit so openly, I don't blame them for thinking I'm crazy lol.That's how i'd react to what I said too prior to all this happening. Idk I've been very unfiltered recently since I stopped feeling judgement as viscerally. They have a duty of care and I don't imagine they would let a "psychotic" individual perform work that has a significant impact on patients health if mistakes are made. Anyways I'm trying to maintain motivation and pour my free time into learning the craft but it all seems like wasted effort if they're just going to fire me for insanity anyways. I'm not giving up though, they haven't fired me yet but they're all very wary of me. But yeah the past few days have been a bit of a rollercoaster for my esteem and my esteem is totally affecting my behaviour and it appears to be affecting the way I speak/sound subconsciously. I basically wanna appear normal for a while to avoid getting fired from the job I love but whenever I do feel good about myself people see it as "abnormal behaviour". Also I'm sour about the fact I fucked up and damaged my relationship with all of my colleagues/friends. Does esteem affect your behaviour dramatically or is this just my own complex. I suppose most of you are a bit more grounded than me, but I'm quite new to all this and I still undervalue myself and berate myself in my head a lot lol. I've blamed a lot of my behaviour on chronic sleep deprivation lol. Anyways I appreciate the response, sorry about the word salad.