Mondsee

Day 13 Days in a row: 2 Start time: 7:00 p.m. Finish time: 7:22 p.m. Location: Room at my father's appartment Technique: Do nothing Eyes: open at first, half-closed at the end Highlights: After a 40 min. session of yoga nidra, I sat in half lotus, hands in dharmadhatu-mudra, and felt extremely well alienated. As I set my timer on my cell phone, as I always do, I forgot to turn on the non disturbing mode. A couple of minutes into the meditation, my father started calling to my phone. In total he called 7 times, 5 at first, and 2 more near the end. The vibration of my phone next to me was distracting, but I did not answer and this time I could notice the strain of thoughts and feelings as something uncontrollable and external hitting into me. That was really interesting.

Day 12 Days in a row: 1 Start time: 6:45 p.m. (aprox.) Finish time: 7:10 p.m. (aprox.) Location: Room at my father's appartment Technique: Do nothing Eyes: closed Highlights: I sat in half lotus and hands in dharmadhatu-mudra. At first I couldn't fully relax my body, partly because I was sensing that my father would call me for something at any moment. After about 4 minutes, he did. I answered and after that I felt almost relieved. I started again doing some breathings and relaxing my body, then I let my mind free. First I could almost see how it was telling itself what to do "just observe" and similar things, but then after the idea of just letting go really sinked in, my first thoughts were about sex. After a short time my mind started wandering about many other things including about people I've met recently and how I don't find anyone attractive.

I have decided to make also an entry if I skip my meditation, so that I have a record and I am aware that I'm doing it, otherwise suddenly it's been more than a week, and I don't even notice. If someone is reading this, please give me a hard time about my lack of commitment. I'm not getting anywhere with this on and off.

Day 12 Days in a row: 1 Start time: 8:00 a.m. (aprox.) Finish time: 8:30 a.m. (aprox.) Location: Bus on the way to the university Technique: Mindfulness meditation Eyes: closed Highlights: After days of finding amazing excuses for skipping meditation, I decided to try to meditate on the bus that I take to the university. I did sit cross-legged, I closed my eyes, and in order to push myself to focus, I tried to do a mindfulness meditation. First I focused on my breath, then on the bus movements and finally on a very repetitive song. It was very hard not to daydream, as I am used to sleep in the bus and having the eyes closed, it was easy to be on the edge between falling asleep and not. It didn't feel like a serious meditation session and I was interrupted once, as one guy came and sat next to me.

Every time in my life that someone I don't like has shown interest in me, I've had a really bad time figuring out how I'm going to let them know I don't like them. Sometimes I've struggled so much, that I didn't say anything and I let things get to a level that I didn't want to... really not cool. Now on Friday I went to a party, met a bunch of new people, didn't spend the night with anyone in particular, and yet, the guy I was hanging out with before I left asked me for my number. I gave it to him (because I don't know how to reject people), and today he texted me. He is a really nice guy, but I know I'm not attracted to him at all, and that is not the case for him, so before this grows bigger, I'd like to kill it. How am I supposed to do that?!?! Not answering would be rather coward and lame, imo... but if I start a conversation, I'm opening a door... and if I just say "hey, I'm not interested in you", that'd be super weird!! What do I do now? Now that I think about it, this has really been an issue for me for my entire life. Some good strategies would help me a lot!

(Note: I haven't watched Leo's 2c-b video, nor have I ever tried any type of psychdelics, but I got really interested in what Leo is suggesting here.) Ok, so my main question is, if while we're alive (what we normally understand for being alive, that is) we don't manage to get enlightened, then when we die, we (our mortal sense of "we") will simply dissapear forever, and if we do manage to get enlightened our bodies will phisically die, but consciousness will be conscious that it is still there, that actually nothing changed. It's like, if I die today (definitely unenlightened), then... my ego completely shuts off and it doesn't have the opportunity any longer for noticing that it was a total lie. It died believeng it existed! So in my case consciousness won't be conscious that it is still there... right? Or is enlightenment just a cool thing to notice whle you're alive, but after we die, ist's the same if you were enlightened or not, because everyone becomes nothingness anyways? This is what really got me thinking. Do you mean by this, if you must kill yourself, then choose the method of becoming enlightened so that you can appreciate (while you're still alive) the fully glory after-death?? "get enlightened before you die", as some wise master once said???? Finally, in this example that old man starting to have an orgasm on his deathbed at least in his last moments he started appreciating that something cool as an orgasm existed, but... what are the odds of that happening? Like if you don't start working hard on achieving enlightenment soon enough, it's very unlikely to happen magically on your deathbed just like that, don't you think? That old man is much more likely to die not knowing of orgasms, or in other words, he is much more likely to die thinking he is actually dying forever. Bam! gone, and he really is gone, because all there was, was an unconscious ego who is dissapearing. I think about this because my grandfather recently died (91 y/o just in case you were interested) and as he was lying on his death bed, I would sit next to him and think... how the fuck do I let him understand that he is not going to die! he isn't going anywhere because he doesn't exist!!! And as weak as he was, just lying there, suffering, I also thought how sad it was that it was impossible to get him enlightened at that point. Some day I really thought of telling him, but then I just thought silence would make more sense for him at that point. Ok that was a very long and confusing post, I hope you can make some sense out of it.

So, last week I saw the movie and I loved it, but it got me thinking... She doesn't really follow "The Hero's Journey", does she? Like she seems to be super excited to go and fight, and you sense no feeling of reluctancy and doubt... What do you think?

To those who gave me suggestions, here are my thoughts: To those who are curious, find the update on what I did below. @Shin It just seems very weird to me that if I've spent the night with new people chatting and so, and you exchange numbers just to make some friends, I will deny my number to one guy just because I feel he was hitting on me. It's like to everyone I'm saying "yeah, sure, here have my number" and when it comes to that one guy "... oh, I'm sorry, but not for you"... that's so weird. Also, this time it was too late anyways because he already has my number. @Toby Yeah, actually what I have done in some cases. It works but it has also felt weird and kind of coward to me. Also, when I do that I hope I'll never meet them again because if I do, they'll ask why I disappeared. In this case for example, his best friend takes several classes together with me, and it is likely that we'll meet again. @Fushigi At this point I feel like I'm only finding excuses (probably because it is exactly what I'm doing), but I did that once. The guy never got the point, and always asked if I was finally going to have time for him. When he got tired of that, he made sure to work together with me on a project. At some point I felt really guilty for being lying about my busy schedule to him, so I finally accepted one of his invitations, he got really excited, and long story short, I did have to end up telling him "hey, I'm just not into you" and he got devastated and I felt guilty for breaking his heart. So it may work, but sometimes they don't get the point, or at least they don't want to get it. @Lynnel Yeah, maybe it's egoism... maybe. What I feel tough is that I often like the people that I meet, I don't want to date them, but I genuinely like them, and can imagine a friendship with them, so I can't behave cold to them or reject them as easily, because I don't dislike them. @barry It doesn't seem difficult for me to reject people I don't like at all, but when I like them, not in a romantic falling-in-love sense, but just liking them as persons, it gets much harder. Also, for the record, I don't drink, I don't smoke, I don't use Facebook, this year I have gone to the cinema once (last week), I don't watch series, I usually don't eat junk food... so I think I have the addictions rather handled in my life. @Markus Yeah, you're right, the longer you wait, the worst it gets. I just felt unnecessary telling him the "I don't know how to reject people" part... why would he care? @Emerald Definitely food for thought, thank you! @electroBeam haha The Art Of War? By Sun Tzu? how funny! I just got it as a present last month, I'll read it until this lens. Soooooooo here's what I did: He asked me when I had time to go for a coffee with him, I answered on Friday I had time, but that I didn't actually have in mind dating him, so if it was an invitation to do something together with friends (we do have common friends), I would be happy to go, but if not, not really. He laughed, and said he was "of course" thinking about doing something with friends. I said then we could plan something, and then he never answered again. I did feel bad, mostly because he first said like "nooo how crazy of you thinking that I wanted to date you" but then he never texted me back... I found out what I really don't like is putting other people under a situation they can feel embarrassed, maybe because I hated feeling that way as a kid. For sure a valuable piece of information to know about myself. Thank you for your support!

Day 11 Days in a row: 2 Start time: 11:50 a.m. (aprox) Finish time: 12:15 p.m. (aprox.) Location: Room at my father's apartment Technique: Do nothing Eyes: closed Highlights: This meditation felt unending, I asked myself for a long time when it was coming to an end, and I had to resist the urge multiple times to see ir I really had set the alarm on my phone. I felt really tired, maybe because I had previously just meditated + done some yoga, but I did not fell asleep. I moved much more than on an average session, readjusting my hands, my legs and my neck.

Ok, so there is eternal consciousness, it has, and always will be there... but what is life? Specifically, what is human life? It's really a weird thing... it is as if a portion of consciousness decided to go blind for a period of ca. 80 years, just because! (Unless the human gets enlightened, of course). Any thoughts? Edit: in other words, why did consciousness adopted the form of life?

Does it really? Put in these terms, if life is eternal it means that, if you get conscious while "existing", thus starting to "live", you will still be conscious after death? Is Osho saying life is an opportunity for consciousness to become aware of itself?? This is confusing. Thanks for sharing @Prabhaker

Day 11 Days in a row: 1 Start time: 12:30 p.m. Finish time: 12:55 p.m. Location: Room at my father's apartment Technique: Do nothing Eyes: closed Highlights: I sat in half lotus, and had no discomfort from the beginning till the end. Hands were in dharmadhatu-mudra and my thumbs kept separating constantly. I feel like I just wasted my time with this meditation, I could hear soft rock coming from the living room the entire time, the type of songs everyone knows the lyrics from, and you sing at a campfire. That was really distracting, I tried not to resist it, and rather be mindful about it, but it's just a bad type of music to do that. Mind was all over the place, and I had stomachache. Also my father called me at some point, and I just didn't answer. I had thoughts about a series I'm watching, about sex, about the film I watched yesterday and many other things. All in all, definitely a low quality meditation session. P.S. I have been skipping meditation for the entire week. I haven't really found time in my new schedule, but I might try start meditating on the way to the university on the bus. I also feel that the lack of practice is what led me to this level of meditation of today.

I don't know exactly under which category to post this, but I'll try here. Today I woke up, I was absolutely aware of what was going on around me, could hear everything, feel everything, but I could not move at all. I remember trying to open my eyes, trying to say something, and also to move my arms very very consciously, I was even thinking, "WTF, why can't I move!? eyes, open, open!" But nothing happened. After what felt like a minute, I could finally open my eyes. Apparently, this phenomenon is called sleep paralysis. I wanted to know if this has happened to anyone here, and if there is some practice to take advantage of it in case it happens again (thinking about lucid dreaming, astral projection and all that stuff I don't know much about). Interested in your experiences, opinions, ideas and knowledge!

@phoenix666 cool! it's nice to hear that!!

@spiral yeah, too late @dude the problem is that it was a party to meet new people from the university, and we were all chatting and we were all dancing, and we were also all exchanging numbers because, you know... you're knowing people, it wasn't like we were flirting for hours or as if he came with that intention from the beginning @SFRL haha it sure works!

@SLICKHAWK OMG I can find so many reasons not to say any of that! I'm so bad at this... But thank you anyways!!

@SLICKHAWK yes, ok... but how?? In very practical terms, how do I do it? I mean, to tell him, I'd need to start a conversation with him, and if I do, how long should I wait to let him know? Because I suppose if I just start chatting with him, he'll automatically assume I'm into him too, and how am I supposed to bring up that I'm not?

Day 11 Days in a row: 1 Start time: 10:55 a.m. Finish time: 11:17 a.m. Location: Room at my father's apartment Technique: Do nothing Eyes: open Highlights: I tried for the first time sitting in half lotus (hanka-fuza) with the right ankle on top of my left thigh. I thought it was going to get very uncomfortable, but during the last minutes of my meditation I literally thought "I hope this could last forever". I also tried the dharmadhatu-mudra for the hands. I don't remember which had I had on top, and I did feel frustrated as I was first trying to find balance between my thumbs. I thought it was a very unstable gesture and that I'd have to almost use force to keep my thumbs in that position, but with time it proved to be a great help to focus, in the moments when I started daydreaming the most (above all thinking about memories), my thumbs started to fall apart, and putting them together again has a way to regain focus. Since nothing in my view-field was changing, my mind was dedicating to perceive how different noises entered the present, making this permanent thing ("the now") constantly change. Other random thoughts and memories also came in. I want to thank @Azrael for sharing the information about the posture of zazen with us.

Having someone in this forum saying, I've done the work and gotten the promised results is truly inspiring. Leo always says "don't believe any of what I'm telling you" and "be skeptical" and all that, so I do the work, but I've never forgotten that I might as well be doing all this for nothing because it's a scam until I prove it to myself. But having you telling us you proved it to yourself is a great motivation, so thank you. I also have a question for you: I understand you're a student. Has your relationship to your studies changed, or has your performance suffered any modification to how it was before? Thanks in advance!

Day 10 Days in a row: 1 Start time: 4:55 p.m. Finish time: 5:17 p.m. Location: Room at my father's apartment Technique: Do nothing Eyes: closed Highlights: Random thoughts. At some point half way through, my father called me complaining I abandoned clothes at the washing machine. I answered I didn't abandone them and continued with the meditation.

Day 10 (Report from yesterday) Days in a row: 2 Start time: 6:30 p.m. (aprox.) Finish time: 6:50 p.m (aprox.) Location: Airplane Technique: Do nothing Eyes: open Highlights: I experimented on using my time during a flight to meditate. I decided to do it with my eyes open, looking out the window. Although I didn't move, I didn't reach a meditative state, maybe because I didn't have a steady point to focus on. I got distracted on a couple occasions because of what was happening around me. At the end, although I kept the eyes open, I felt very sleepy and was fighting not to fall asleep.

This year I started with a pretty healthy and solid morning routine. It includes about half an hour of yoga and around 25 minutes of meditation. Next week I start with some courses that begin early in the morning and end late at night, I've done the math, and if I want to keep sleeping 8 hours, there's no time left for yoga & meditation. I feel very sleepy when I sleep less than 8 hours, but on the other hand, I simply can't imagine now my day without yoga and meditation, plus, I also feel unfit and lacking energy when I don't do that. Do you think I should sacrifice some sleep to continue with my practice? In total I'd be sleeping around 6 and a half hours, I don't know if in the long run I'll be able to keep up with this pace...

Day 9 Days in a row: 1 Start time: 11:50 a.m. Finish time: 12:12 p.m. Location: My room at my parent's house Technique: Do nothing Eyes: open Highlights: I felt at the beginning excitement rising up in my body and extending through my arms into my hands. It was very interesting following that process. After that I had some random thoughts, again some narrative discourse on how I was going to write this report, and in the latter quarter of the time (approximately), my left leg got numb, so I was hoping for the alarm to ring soon.

This is what Leo told me once on a similar doubt I had: It may help you!

Day 8 Days in a row: 8 Start time: 8:20 p.m. Finish time: 8:45 p.m. Location: Balcony at my grandma's house Technique: Do nothing Eyes: closed Highlights: Today my grandma joined me sitting next to me on a chair. At the beginning I had some sad thoughts because I knew this was going to be the last time I meditated with her (she joins me every now and then), because I leave her house tomorrow. I felt a little as a mother who doesn't dare to leave her little daughter alone, because I have been looking after her for the last month. After that I had some random thoughts I can't remember very well, but I know for some time I listened to a French song repeating on my mind and enjoyed a lot the wind blowing. During the second half I thought about an application I'm planning to do to a job, and at the end I hoped for the alarm to ring because my grandma was moving in her chair and my left leg was numb. I was about to check how much time was left, but I resisted the temptation and the alarm rang just a little after.