710thz

@Principium Nexus I don't know! Maybe that is what I need to accept! That it is possible that it is this way. But to accept what I felt is like accepting being buried alive almost! lol. Pretty rough @PureExp Yes! That was about the only thing I attached meaning too. "Too not be alone". That would be an awesome opportunity for inquiry, but it was a bit too much for me at the time. Terrifying!! Maybe I will go back to that place and try to be with it. I will for sure die at the moment it is accepted. Can't see that it would work any other way!

@Lha Bho Wow Great talk!! Thanks for sharing this! In the end for sure mind induced mind fuck! Lol!

I sometimes sit on my balcony, meditate for an hour or so until I feel totally relaxed, smoke weed and then sit completely still. Just watching the clouds, birds, trees, people etc. After about 1-2 hours I start to hallucinate pretty deeply, the colors get extremely intense, the clouds start to form different shapes and animals, I feel a lot of fear and if i am able to let that fear go then suddenly everything feels divine. I feel connected with everything and it is perfect beauty. But this one time when I got to this point, I felt a lot more than I usually do. I felt there was only one consciousness, one mind. Everything was a 100% meaningless. Meaning was created by my mind. Everything that was not in my direct experience did not exist. My phone beeped and it was my girlfriend who wrote a message to me, and I felt that there was no person behind that message. It was only text on a screen popping up lol. She did not exist at that moment and she was just a thought in my mind, not the real her. Everything that ever existed was just this present moment and people, objects, sounds only existed if they were in it. I watched people walk by my apartment and there were no person behind it. I realized that the "person" behind the body was only projected onto it by my mind. I could drop all my judgements about them and the situation. I they were tall, ugly, beautiful, old, nice etc. But not only that, I could also drop the "personality" i projected unto them. And what I thought they were thinking about me lol. I've had a bit of social anxiety for most of my adult life, and so I saw through that. This was liberating but very scary as I was beginning to feel more and more lonely. This "feeling" got deeper and deeper, and so did the loneliness. To the point where my life was the only story ever played out, everything that existed was everything played out in "my" present moment, from only my perspective. Any other persons perspective never existed, they only existed as a story when they told me about it or when I heard someone tell me about their story. But their stories was never experienced. Just told to me with sound, in my awareness and imagined by my mind. People i saw in movies, tv would only exist if they were in front of me. Until then they were only colors on a flat screen. My whole life was just a movie (experience). But not only that, it was the ONLY movie ever played out. Nothing existed unless I experienced it. I still identified with my self image somehow even though I did not project thoughts unto other people. Soon this was hell, and I just wanted it to end. I was praying that this was not the truth and that I would return to my normal "state" where people existed and where we had separate experiences. That all humans and the rest of reality exists. Not only me and my awareness. After a few hours I got back to "normal". How come I felt so completely 100% alone? If someone has some concept, experience or something that could explain this to me I would be truly grateful. This left me really confused and scared...