Aakash Vijayan

@Shane Hanlon Thank you for your love and empathy. I'm touched by your reply.

@Blackhawk coz she's away for a course for 2 months at another place from my hometown

Thank you all for your replies. I spoke with another avoidant I mentioned with similiar dynics and I asked what her specific dynamics were and I realised they were real similiar. I just want to be with this person till a natural demise. Not looking for something long term. But all the advice all of you all gavee sounds very sound. But please I really do need multiple perspectives on this. So please do continue to post. Thank you soich for taking the time out to post your suggestions. I consider all of these with seriousness

I am a 29 year old male currently in a relationship with an avoidant gf of 27 years of age. For the first five months of my relationship it was good we regularly-ish had dates and are in the honeymoon phase so things felt good. She now left my hometown for a duration of 2 months for a course and ever since she moved there she has met new friends and has a lot of fun with them. I have no friends and I get extremely jealous when she has fun. I start comparing the time she has with me with the time she has with her friends. She stays up late drinking with them and hanging with friends and having home parties and different guy friends' apartments. I feel left out. On a day where she said she was gonna go have drinks and hang out with her friends (both male and female) at her male friend's apartments I got triggered and I thought I should go out drinking alone. It didn't help and in a non conformational way I tried to call her and she said she's having fun so she'll call me later. So she did and I told her all of this and she didn't acknowledge and said she needed friends and what she has with me for her mental health and that she is happy. I mentioned about my attachment and abandonment wounds and she didn't acknowledge or understand them. I wanted to know if I am a priority to her and whether she has fun with me. Coz I feel in our time alone even if she has drinks with me she gets tired fast and wants to fall asleep. But with her friends she stays up all night long and even dances and stuff and I go into a spiral thinking how come I don't get her that excited that she wants to be that exuberant with me. She says she is emotionally attached to me butshe isn't vulnerable withe and ainfeel I can share emotional deep stuff with her. I feel out of touch with my masculinity as well. When I mentioned all this she said do I have problem with her hanging with male friends and I didn't know to answer. She said if it triggers me this she said said I should know that she doesn't see friends as male and femal and that sometimes if they get dunk a male friend can sometimes hug her or kiss her on the cheek in a platonic way and that they all pass out on the same bed with their bodies intertwined not knowing who is male and female and that she doesn't see anything. She says if someone touches her with a romantic intention she would know that. She says she knows her boundaries mentally so she is loyal to me. I asked her if she has lost attraction to me. And she answered no. But she said If ai keep bringing this up then she might. I am not able to focus on work or focus on my "passions". I work a base line job of being a casualty doctor which aindomt like and I make music on the side. But despite it being a passion I dont put the regular work. I can't find friends of the same wavelength here. There are no random events or group activities that happen here for me to join. I feel like I need friends to get my emotional needs met which ai don't get to meet with her.I also feel I need this intense and physically intimate friendships just to one up her and thoughts like that. I have co dependent tendencies and want to stay in this relationship because of a sexual scarcity and finally having sex after a long dry spell. How do I stop getting jealous of my girlfriend hanging out with her friends and getting non sexually physically intimate with her male and female friends. It completely consumes me. How do I stop this constant comparing of whether she has more fun with friends and becoming more exuberant with her friends than she's with me. I feel really lonely. And I have started therapy. I'm finally beginning some mindfulness and guided meditation practices but all of this is a process that's going to take time. I need perspectives on this and some reassurance. Please help me

She says that she clearly know her boundaries. She knows when someone touches her intimately or if someone is being friendly/ sibling like. If she feels the intention is pure then she has no issue

I come from a small town and from a place of emotional and sexual scarcity

I had a conversation with this about her and I haven't asked her to change. But sheentioned something that triggered me. She said she was out with her female and male friends and they hug and kiss each other on the cheeks and even sleep on the same bed. But to her loyalty is mental and that she is loyal to me. Part of me is triggered and part of me feels I should be okay with that. She says she's happy with the way things are going in this semi committed way and so far she hasn't lost her attraction for me. But if I keep asking her for reassurances then she will surely leave me. She says I'm a priority for her after her parents and a couple of her best friends but with my anxious attachment style it feels like she's my priority. I can't focus on my passions and work because of this and I feel I can keep her around by not telling her all this and seeing if I can work on myself individually. Any advice would be helpful guys

@Ulax You're right about the excercise. I've owned a copy and read it multiple times and never did the excercise. I do have an unhealthy habit of hoarding theory but not putting it into practice. What I meant by avoidant is getting triggered into the avoidant side of the fearful avoidant style.

@Tyler Robinson I will try to. But the fearful Avoidant types well sometimes avoid deep emotional stuff coz they have the fear of being trapped and a sense of loss of freedom. Am I less of a man for communicating the way I have?

@Ulax Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. Yes avoidant types like my girlfriend are very averse to therapy. They believe they're psychologically independent af. To be frank I'm very jealous of that and I wish I possessed that quality too. I regret not handling my life well and working on poor self esteem and neediness and on my passions and social life. So I'm definitely coming from a place of lack and I know the repercussions of that. So I'm working on myself hard. But now with this anxiety in the picture it consumes me and I cant place my mind on any other aspect of my life. I'm also working a slightly minimum wage job and don't have much going on. I feel like she'll get attracted to someone who's more grounded and provide her with the kind of novelty that she's like. How do I get over this feeling? The anxiety sometimes takes over me. I feel not masculine at all and I want to fix it

Hey so I have a Fearful Avoidant Girlfriend and have been in a relationship with her for 7 months. Despite having this attachment style I've tried my level best to not act out in the typical way of my attachment style and always respected her space and freedom. But lately my anxiety has been on hyperdrive and been feeling like I'm not loved or wanted or not a priority to this person. Currently she's away in another city pursuing a 2 month course and I feel extremely jealous when she has fun with male and female friends. I end up feeling like I can't provide that kind of stimulation for her myself etc. I have no friends and have been actively trying to "get a life" and start trying to have a social life. I have started therapy. On to my question. So in a non confrontational manner I mentioned to her what's been bothering me and and I wanted some emotional closeness etc. She listened to it patiently. But then I asked her if she thought I was emotionally weak or if she has lost respect for me just because I brought this up and communicated to her and she said no. But I can't help feeling that she has lost attraction for me and that I am not a masculine man because I am of this energy. Masculine people are usually stoic and emotionally grounded and I currently am not this things. Am I not masculine for bringing this conversation up and mentioning my needs and struggles? Eager for a male perspective here. You can be blunt yet compassionate. Thank you

Hello people! What if one is poor and sexually inexperienced and hence really really needy, from a third world country stuck in a menial job in his 30s and is exposed to information like this ? A 3rd world country where there are different societal values and practicing game or approaching can get you beat up or can get you ostracized. I realise the video(s) does say move to a new city or country but being in the 30s and being needy as hell with real bad finances is all this possible? Or should one do something that's more realistic to that particular demographic? Would be happy to hear from you guys! Also @Leo Gura says that neediness is solved by results but isn't non neediness needed in the first place to attract women for even the first results? How does one come to terms with this paradox? Also its a common theme in some dating advice where it's suggested that your purpose is going to reduce neediness but then how do you address sexual cravings while you're working hard on your purpose?

Is it possible to transcend approval seeking without having to seek more approval, through meditation, contemplation or something the letting go technique when you feel like you need it in a neurotic way, especially sexual approval or approval in terms of fame from personal talent etc.?

How does one cope or, if possible, develop a healthy mindset while going from well off/ upper middle class to poor? Im a recent 28 year old MBBS graduate left with no passion for medicine anymore and frankly not picking up any basic medical skills, just passing exams to get the degree, never having worked in my life going from a well off situation provided by my father and his business to becoming poor after his demise, stuck in comfort for a long time, fat, and having massive anxiety for the smallest shifts from comfort zone and carrying the pressure for having to support my diabetic mother and sister. Potentially the jobs i may get will pay Rs 20000 ( $270). Any words of advice would be great. I have no passion to pursue Medicine further nor do I have the funds should I want to as well

@Leo Gura Hello Leo, In some of the videos and blog posts you have briefly mentioned about personality type tests such as MBTI and how such that can provide personal insight and at the same time in some videos regarding the authentic self you opine about how people can view personality types as a potential limiting belief about whats possible or not possible for themselves. I know that I tend to get confused when it comes to maybe even thinking of forming a strategy to address strengths/ weaknesses. I have some what a strong victim mindset and easily get lost in confusion and backsliding when it comes to implementing the theory. In fact I havent. But I feel this topic for newbie or intermediate stage level people would of significant value