tashawoodfall

Well that just happened. We finally had sex last night. He wants to go on a date again tonight and well I need a shot of tequila before this. I'm nervous. Dating scares me and this is escalating quickly.

nervously about to go on a date

The reason I'm posting here is that I'm looking for a higher perspective into my situation...Being on this path and learning so much I feel as though I'm outgrowing many people around me and so talking about any issues I'm having to them is almost pointless. I know Leo has a video about loneliness on the path of Self Actualization and it's helped a bit as I've sat and soaked in that loneliness hole for quite some time which helped, however... The issue I'm having is with my intimate relationship...I currently have a boyfriend and he's great...Kind, romantic, good looking, great in bed, loving, caring, smart, doing well for himself, always positive... but there is something missing...he's not on a path of self-actualization well and he's also religious which is challenging and even though I'm with him, I feel lonely and think maybe we have different levels of awareness. If I threw him back into the ocean so to speak, it would feel as though I'm throwing back a really great catch with no good reason... One of my friend's responses to my issue was "well what is it to a shark?" and I get it it's not that I feel all that needy because I'm pretty good alone if not better...I guess what I'm looking for here is some insight from a higher perspective into this situation

I think it's a great experience, it's a lot of fun. A phase I went through changed me completely for the better. I'm no longer shy and feel more authentic well and it'll challenge your self-image and beliefs.

I think I'm now solid green but like to think I'm green-yellow

Completed the Flyer! Now I need to do some research and take notes on it. This will help with partnerships and content creation because the next big goal will be completing the website.

Side note: I’ve never felt happier and more free in my life.

Thank you Update: Ive completed the syllabus and the paper application form. I’m also going to have an application form online on the website. Next up is the Flyer. I’m going to probably have this completed today. I have a collection of stock photos ready and have even done some research last night and found interesting studies that prove the concept. I can pull some wording from these studies to help with the marketing “pitch”. I have great friends and contacts within PR and they are very supportive of me following my dream and quitting my stressful job. So before I blow this out I need to be prepared for tv radio etc.

What's completed: -Logo -Branding Color Scheme & Fonts -Website Visual Outline, Domain Name Purchased Next: -Program Syllabus I'm on the third page of my non-profit's program's syllabus. This is where the creating is happening. This part of the journey I estimate will take another few days at least. A lot of this work involves visualizing and brainstorming and I'm also facing a little resistance which I recognize and it doesn't bother me because I am very much 100% in.

Me too. Gotta try my best to know! Thank you

With no logical good reason to feel down. I've sat and meditated for hours, felt all the emotions and gave it time to express itself. Yet here I am still unhappy with an emptiness I cannot explain. When is my zest for life coming back? I know I've gone through a lot lately but I feel like l no longer want to dwell on it. I've tried to move past in, sink in it, let it all go... This unexplainable emptiness still haunts me. I'm getting tired of fighting. It's hard to explain. As Leo's depression video says...I guess my psychology sucks. There is this new feeling of...i'm tired of fighting and it's scary in a sense. Will this pass? Is this just a phase..? This isn't like me...

I'm going to start documenting here my life purpose project journey. Life Purpose Project: SS = stands for the nonprofit LX =the main source of funding for the nonprofit FY =an umbrella entity Today I will Organize my list of to-dos for this project from first to the last step. Create deadlines besides each step. Print out and post up on my board. Finalize SS Logo and have it in all the colours I need for different backgrounds on a transparent background. Finalize SS Color Scheme with hex #'s. Ensure it's available on platforms needed Finalize SS Fonts for website/marketing. Find web safe go-tos

Yesterday I had the balls to quit everything. I then wrote up a fake resume, went to an open call for cocktail waitressing, got the job, did all the paperwork and today was my first day lol what a trip. It was an interesting experience. It seems like once I catch on to everything that it'll be pretty chill and easy. It'll pay the bills, won't stress me out so much and will allow me to be able to get off the clock. It's refreshing...for the first time in way too long once work is over...it's over! There isn't a long list of to-dos constantly! what a relief! Now I have the energy and focus to work on my life purpose project Today is Tuesday which means it's my day to go hiking. It's still a bit hot out so maybe I'll go in a few hours. The best part is being alone on the top of the mountain, in silence. It's the perfect meditation spot and it recharges me for the week.

I love it thank you

As she wakes up she realizes many deadlines are coming near. There is a haunting feeling of stress throughout her body, her chest, her forehead, it’s become normal. She tells herself it’s okay that she is skipping her morning routine. She looks at her whiteboard to get her mind set to hit the numbers and goals laid out. She jumps on her computer answers emails and gets to work building other people’s dreams. The day turns to night. She’s mentally, emotionally and spiritually drained. She convinces herself that she is needed, that she is appreciated and that she is doing good for herself and her family. Every now and then people notice her work ethic, her drive, her success and she gets a “good job” or “how is business coming along”. As she lays down to go to bed, thoughts come rushing in. Thoughts of stress, of what needs to be done and when, of what the plan is for this and that and how she can be creative with this and that. She has a glass of wine to relax. She finally is able to clear her mind and fall asleep. The alarm clock rings too early. This time however - as the alarm clock rings, she wakes up with an unexplainable feeling, she’s numb, she stares at the ceiling. Her motivation is gone. She starts questioning the meaning of life. What is the point? Is this what life is? Her daughter’s face pops into her mind. Then she sees the truth she’s been working hard to ignore. The babysitter spends more time with her, her daughter’s longing face for attention strikes her core. Guilt kicks in. Slowly but surely, she falls into a deep depression. Everyone wonders what is going on with her, why she has isolated herself. Why she no longer wants to leave her house, why she is different. Her boyfriend leaves her, her friends take a few steps back. The days turn to nights and the weeks turn to months. She finds herself crying in the shower, praying for her motivation for life back, questioning herself. Feeling like she has sold her soul. The extreme pain of truth hits her core. She finally wipes her tears and goes into her closet. There she has a binder with her dreams, the purposeful goals in her life that she has abandoned. She falls asleep crying and holding on to those dreams. When she wakes up, all the deadlines are pulling her at her feet. The calls are coming in, the companies she works for are wondering why she has slowed down. She drops the phone and goes to workout, to try to shake the stress off. She does kenpo to feel better. While showering she can’t pretend anymore, she breaks through to the truth again and it brings her to tears. Then, something unexplainable strikes her. A wondrous feeling of relief, of hope. A light subtle wind, a whisper of love. In that moment she decides that she is letting it all go, everything, all that she has worked for. Her body feels different, the chains have been taken off, she feels free. She wipes her white board clean, quits everything, put’s her dream board back up and takes a deep breath. She faces the uncertainty, the new struggle, the fear, the radical adversity she may encounter and the possibility. After thanking her experience for the wisdom she’s learned, she embarks on a completely new journey.

I took the red pill but part of me wants to go back. Ignorance was bliss. I feel like I woke up today haunted by the fact that almost everyone is zombie-like...living in this stupid society chasing stimulation. I feel empty not being able to "connect" with people on a deeper level anymore. To the point of my chest hurting...I feel alone. The "good" in others...how I used to see people in the world..it's shattered..I see zombies and it makes me emotional on a deep level. I'm having a hard time finding meaning in "normal" things. I feel like an outsider. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel lost. This is painful. I have a hard time working when I know how meaningless the work I'm doing is. I have to do it to pay for my bills but I feel like a prisoner. Spiritual guidance tells me to let go..follow my heart and everything will work out. For a second I believe it and then I see how it'll lead me to homelessness and give me more problems. I can't just go live in a cabin for a few years..and survive... The life purpose I came up with. It was exciting at first and now is not. I have to work hard to inspire myself with it and I have not. I have to try to enjoy this journey. What else is there to do?

yeah great way to put it in your point of view. Look this "I'm sure you'll be okay" "sorry" thing isn't useful. It's not about "too much too quickly" it's already done. The only thing to focus on is now and what's next. What is your plan to overcome this?

for example. this is just confusing and making this person think they are in the same category of some stupid study. Disregard.

I feel like people who have never experienced this should stop trying to give advice. Most of it is misleading and won't help if not make it worse. You don't see that because you don't know...

@Gryner If you could recognize those thoughts that lead you to a path of instability and insanity, another world.. that'll help. If you know them then you can become mindful of them and stop it before it goes further.

Once upon a time about 4 years ago I went bananas. I had psychosis due to severe depression and abuse from a man I was with. It's as if your soul/mind decides to check out of reality because it is too painful to be in reality and it needs some relief. Bottom line - it is ok and it is more common then you think. For me, it was important not to put a label on it. I was diagnosed with psychosis and then bipolar disorder and then finally PTSD and now I am not able to get a mental diagnosis or medication for it. It went away. How? I worked on my psychology a lot. I'm hoping to bring you hope that this is just a part of your journey, don't play the pointless blame game, accept, cry if you must, heal and move forward with a game plan. You can do this. Those dark periods where you are in the mental hospital being forced to take medication that makes you feel half dead.... I've had times where I'd scream to get out of the hospital and they would poke me with a needle in my ass and I'd wake up locked in a room. It's hard but now when I look back, I look back fondly. It was a beautiful disaster. There is beauty in the bleeding. It is ok, it is now a part of your journey. You can overcome it. My story is linked in case it brings inspiration. I love watching it sometimes because I see how far I've come and it blows other people's minds now https://drive.google.com/file/d/1DW-MT6qIvmJTiyaqZARi0bbie4Mx3wsD/view?usp=sharing

@Speedscarlet wish you well...I'd appreciate it if you'd troll somewhere else. I don't see a block button so...

Layed in bed for two whole days. Couldn't eat. See I've woke up in the hospital. The bartender told my ex-boyfriend who was calling me at the time (which never happens and was coincidentally the first time since we've been separated -about a month) I was at the bar (and I guess someone picked up my phone to tell him to come to get me) the bartender told him he thinks my drink was spiked. The nurses at the hospital didn't tell me that and I was too eager to get home and recover so I didn't think to ask. See I was celebrating the fact that I quit my job working for politicians. Signing the NDA's and having that gross feeling -going against one of my top values as a human -honesty. I just couldn't do it anymore. Like I've said -I've layed in bed for two entire days recovering, guilt-tripping myself, dealing with all the negative emotions, the crippling stress, pissed off my ex had the audacity to tell me he's much happier without me when I'm the one who dumped his sorry cheating and lying ass. At least the heartbreak is turning to anger as it's a more useful emotion. The stress has been getting to me. I now consider myself self-employed. I work for companies and at the time politicians for marketing work. My job is basically to put on an image and can sometimes feel like manipulating people but I try not to see it that way. Yes, key word is try. I work way too much. On facebook there's this thing where it shows you a post you wrote a year ago. I wrote a year ago that working for money has an empty feeling. At that time I told myself I'd be done doing it - yet here the fuck I still am. You know it's not easy to transition to working for your passion. It takes time and at least I've started the process. I've found my life purpose -it involves creating a beauty program for Foster Teenage girls but I've been coming against a lot of resistance and distraction and I do understand it is my responsibility. My daughter stresses me out. I'm a single mother and have her for 3.5 days a week. Every time she has a cold I'm on high alert ready to take her to the hospital if need be. The trauma I've had holding her while she's unconscious while I'm rocking back and forth on a 911 call asking them to fucking hurry still haunts me. I don't think I'd be able to live through the pain of losing her. The health issues she has and the responsibility I have financially stresses me out -adds to the many other things. The good news is my car will finally be ready to pick up on Tuesday. It's been hell without it. My old job still owes me 2grand and is 2 months late with paying it which is annoying af because I worked extra hard when I didn't need to and those bitches laid me off without notice. It's been stressful as I have a lot of bills and had to really fight to get jobs when I should never be that stressed. My resume is too good but my attitude was not. I read today that the purpose of life is happiness and it struck me. See what am I doing? There's a new guy chasing me pretty hard. On the surface he seems a little too good: good looking, very successful, 37 years old (which means he's more likely to be serious), calls me every day and says the right things -the only thing is he needs to back off a bit I haven't been single long enough but then again it's nice to know what I attract. I haven't had sex in over a month (last time was with my ex) and strangely I have no desire yet. I'm at a point where I just want to be god damn happy. I want my job to excite me -I want passion when I wake up. I want to feel sexy af looking in the mirror-healthy and get my damn hot body back. I've put on about 10 lbs and feel like shit about it. The good news is I have a meeting with a personal trainer guy on Tuesday, it's to do social media and marketing work and it comes with free personal training so we'll see what happens there. This past 5 months has been very very tough in several ways. I'm hoping winter is over now. I've had enough.

@astrokeen

@astrokeen It comes from a Movie "The Matrix"...