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TGIF. I am really glad the weekend is approaching for the sake of some additional free time. My head has been full of chatter. It's a steady stream of thoughts about enlightenment, work, my relationship, and the future. I come in here, write in this journal and go against the wisdom written by Tolle and many others. Having my mind race about past situations / pain and worry about what the future holds is going to do me no favors. I think meditation can be the answer. A swirling thought is the idea of how the universe unfolds in a way to test me. This immediately makes me think of my relationship, and if it is solely on this path to test whether I choose the route of the ego or Truth. I do have a desire for Truth. I have been diagnosed and medicated for OCD (I think it's mild/moderate), which I am hoping isn't the force driving these thoughts. I want to be on this spiritual journey while not have that causing any compulsive actions. I have made plans to have another actualized.org night with my friends this weekend. I think I will probably finish "The Power of Now," too. I need to set up a consistent meditation zone as well. Mixed in with those daily activities will be my weight training and cardio. Gratitude: I am thankful my back pain improved. I am thankful for my gym. I am thankful for Explosions in the Sky.

I seem to have regressed, meditation-wise. It has been a struggle to empty my mind, let alone sit down for a session. Last night I used my app to try and assist me and that was not bad. This morning I did the same thing and my mind wondered throughout. Maybe this could be because I allowed a few days to pass without meditation on the weekend. I have also noticed more anxiety creeping in when thinking about work situations, and my mood has been lowered since the weekend. I don't doubt that all of the above is tied together. If it spawns from meditation then all I can do is get back on track. If it spawns from work then I have allocated time to complete the life purpose course. At the core of this mediocre-feeling patch is the fact that I am focusing on past and future, instead of the now. This wave of emotions will pass. Last night I attended the discussion group and the topic was fear. My main takeaway from the night was a refresher insight to continue to exit my comfort zone. I haven't done that in a couple weeks. I wouldn't say hockey is outside of my comfort zone any more. What will be next? If I write any more on here it would be solely to lengthen this post, which is unnecessary! Gratitude: I am thankful for everything in my lunch. I am thankful to have a personalized role at my work. I am thankful I have clean clothes to wear.

Back to the daily grind today; the long weekend has come and gone. I can't complain though, I get off work early today which means I get some much needed relaxation time before the gym. Because of an ankle issue (from hockey) and over worked shoulders (from lifting), the gym hasn't been as intense as it could be. That being said, I will be going later to train my arms and do some cardio. I am seeing progression with the cardio; yesterday I rowed without a break for 12 minutes (with decent intensity). On the elliptical I have been doing 30 minute sessions. Over the weekend I tried my hand at painting. I honestly can't remember the last time that I tried to paint. It certainly proved to me that I need to learn more about the craft. I will need to be very decisive and confident with my brush strokes as well. My weekend was not weed free, but I did not consume more than one hit on each night it was present. I have had the odd pop here and there, depending on where I am, but it's still down from 1+ per day. The only minor indulgence was Easter chocolate! Overall my mood was good all weekend. I try to remember things that Leo & Eckhart say throughout every day. Oh, I also incorporated concentration training into cardio. Instead of watching the time I focused solely on the rowing machine chain and counted each pull. It made the session seem quicker (even without having music in my ears). Gratitude: I am thankful for April weather. I am thankful my girlfriend's Easter went well. I am thankful for electric clippers.

I've been loving this weekend so far. Been busy, but not complaining. Last night my two former smoking partners & I had our first discussion group, without any weed of course. I brought my laptop over and we all watched some Leo videos and talked about the subjects we picked. We plan to do this instead of getting high, probably once a week or so. Also, I am excited to have to people in my close circle that I can discuss these different topics with. I have been listening to Leo for so long, and have had things I've wanted to discuss with others, but to most people who are unfamiliar with these topics it is just too difficult at times. My meditation has slacked in the last day or two, but I feel I have been more conscious throughout each day to try and meditate while doing different activities. I have been deep in "The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle (mentioned in many other posts by me) and trying to soak it all in. I will definitely read it a second time. Just from one reading session alone, I jotted down these notes (not claiming as my own words or insights, they are Eckhart's): Eternal source > presence > we return there every night, and throughout the day while meditating > part way along is lucid dreaming. Form is emptiness; emptiness is form. Mind makes nothing into something. Nothing is all there is. Every life, or form, dissolves. If there is no illusion, there would be no enlightenment. One last chance to meet the unmanifested before death. Amazing stuff. Every sentence in the book is profound. I am new to his books, and books of this nature in general if you can't tell! Gratitude: I am thankful for good meals. I am thankful for visits from my mom. I am thankful I never go to bed hungry.

It's good Friday indeed. Forgot to drop in here yesterday, oh well I am here now. Last night I had the house to myself and it was a peaceful night. I sat outside for my meditation session, and sound seemed to be the focal point. Well I don't know if I would say I was focusing on sound, just allowing every different sound to happen while not labelling what is was in the visual field. This took care of the monkey mind for the most part. Near the end I opened my eyes while trying to keep the same meditation flow going, like I learned in a walking meditation course. In past years, a night home alone like this would have had me itching to smoke weed. My thought would have been, "it's the long weekend, and you aren't going to celebrate it?" The celebration usually meant getting stoned. I did incorporate some lower conscious activities into the night, but no smoking. Before I went to bed I watched some more Sadhguru videos on YouTube. I enjoy listening to him. This morning I woke up and read more of my Tolle book. Every time I start the day with it I feel I gain new practical knowledge I can use throughout the day. What I will try to do today is feel my inner body while engaged in everyday activities. The rest of the day will probably be made up of weight training, cardio, maybe some sport and then later meeting with friends to start up our own discussion group / workshop. My girlfriend is going to start playing on a soccer team so I may suggest we go out to practice, since there is so much fun and we have the day off. Gratitude: I am thankful for all the access to information I have. I am thankful for natural light in my living room. I am thankful for silence in the house.

Many thanks @Loreena !

I'm interested to hear insights regarding this as well, closing an eye etc. Also, how about when you focus on an object and somehow (I don't know what the eyes are actually doing) you distort the vision and see two or three of them?

It was a pretty standard day today, with more improvement in my mood in comparison to Monday. The work day went by quickly and then it was gym, cold shower, and a hangout with my sister. Another thing I did today was read some of the best of threads that are on this forum. I came across a post talking about a meditation app, insight timer, so I thought I'd look into it. It seems pretty cool to do every now and then. I listened to a guided meditation by Mooji. I am just eager to get into my bed at the moment. Maybe I'll reflect more tomorrow. Gratitude: I am thankful my plans worked out. I am thankful to have friends interested in personal development. I am thankful for my protein shake earlier.

My mood has improved since yesterday. I am sure I wasn't as pleasant to be around as normal when I got home, and my girlfriend could sense it. I mentioned that I was frustrated, but did not go into great detail. Part of me felt I needed to speak my mind unfiltered (sometimes my straight to the point doesn't go well with her), while part of me felt I should use the situation to self reflect instead. I was dwelling on past days, while catastrophizing the future in my thoughts, all over sex. If a situation arises again and I need to speak my opinion regarding this matter, I definitely will, but as of right now I am content with paying no more attention to it. I am glad I went to hockey last night. That rut I was in was making me not want to, but then I did and felt a lot better after. It was nice to skate hard and then cold shower, before going to bed. It also improved our situation since she likes to come watch as well. Each week has gotten better for me in regards to my skill level. Meditation went better than yesterday, but still not quite a success. I think I may be in too much of a trance immediately out of bed. I literally get out of bed and go to my meditation spot and start. Maybe brushing teeth before or something will help me transition. This may be my only "official" time of sitting I set aside for myself, but I do think during the day I get bits of meditation in here and there. Earlier today I wrote another poem; it's content sprouts from time with my nephew and goddaughter, and topics I read. Young children living their lives so raw and free, Exploring their imagination each day. Should they sing and dance or maybe climb a tree? A fearless intuition will guide the way. Minds free of pollution allow them to see Our world before ego causes mass melee. If only children could stay in this pure state, Peace in the world would blossom at a quick rate. Not completely sold on how it flows but all of the lines work with the same syllable count, and I think where I wanted to go with it panned out. Gratitude: I am thankful I am disease-less. I am thankful for a new friend. I am thankful to have means to buy hockey gear.

Today feels kind of like an off day. It seems like there are emotions stirring inside of me, for a few reasons. I have been reading Tolle's "The Power of Now" and have been trying to keep his words in my head. I felt I was successful at doing so while I was outside working, but while driving and sitting in the office I am not feeling enough peace. While I know my uneasiness is caused by ego-related problems, it is hard to shake. Some of it arises from a sexual issue with my girlfriend. The rest I think is from my current work situation. Either way, it is all past and future related. I just need to keep learning how to stay more and more present. I started the day with my meditation, but it was not a good session (same issues impacting it). My monkey mind was in full swing. I have made plans to substitute smoking weed with watching LPC videos with my two former stoner friends. We were so consistent with our weekend hangouts to smoke, so I am hoping we can keep those going and turn them into our own small workshops. There is definitely enough content to keep us occupied. I do really want to get my top values in life straightened out. Gratitude: I am thankful for chapstick. I am thankful for a short work week. I am thankful I saw a fox earlier.

Ah, the weekend has come and gone once again. Today was another great day; I was able to visit my nephew, train weights, meditate, read and get some everyday tasks complete. I kept Sadhguru's advice in mind while meditating, saying "hey monkey mind, let's focus on the breath please?" It ended up feeling like a good session. Also prevalent in my mind today was some of Eckhart Tolle's advice. It seems like every sentence in his book has so much value. I have smoked weed this weekend (not very much), but I am not beating myself up over it. I know I am on the right path and have made much progression from where I was. Other bad habits: pop is drastically reduced (with no major cravings), and energy drinks still happen on some days but I have had smaller ones or none on many days too. Gratitude: I am thankful for warm weather today. I am thankful my loved ones are safe. I am thankful for so much of my own time.

So it was definitely a good idea to practice my concentration before meditation like I was doing in past weeks, since I feel like my meditation I just had was solid. I have been sticking with counting numbers in my head to concentrate. The meditation ended when my cat "bugs" decided to go hard on the door to reach me. Right before I went in the room my two cats and I played hard! I was glad to be able to get back into my Eckhart Tolle book today too. I read it early morning and even the small portion I took in has lingered in my awareness throughout the day. Once again trying to be more conscious of times when the past and the future are prevalent in my thoughts (almost constantly). A good time to think about this was while I was doing cardio. I have started a couple art pieces using a program I have for work. Not the most useful tool to do art but I have been using the program for years and thought I could capture my visions with it. Just thinking about how I am going to illustrate my thought is the fun part. Earlier there was a fundraiser hockey tournament and free skate (for cancer) that I was invited to. While there I tried to practice my stopping on skates, to better my performance when I go out to play on weeknights. Afterwards it was gym time for weights and 30 minutes of cardio. Safe to say I am pooched. Gratitude: I am thankful for all of my day. I am thankful to be present. I am thankful I do not go hungry.

It feels like this is the first time I have actually stopped and rested for a few minutes today. Even though I enjoyed everything I did, I do not enjoy when a day is so packed that there is no free space within. It is my own doing though, and doing some renouncing could be beneficial. This weekend should have plenty of rest time to pump the brakes a little. Another morning meditation today. It went better than yesterday but still some how had enough monkey mind involved. No noteworthy insights to record. I haven't done my concentration practice before the last two meditation sessions so that could be somewhere to start. I had another memorable dream last night which involved me trying to run but not reaching the speed I knew I was capable of. Maddening. I stayed on a roll at the gym, doing a leg workout and progressing on the row machine. I had a cold shower following, which always leaves me feeling good afterwards. Gratitude: I am thankful for my sub today. I am thankful my ankle is not hurt too badly. I am thankful for shelter.

Back on track today. I started integrating my meditation habit into the morning, doing it as soon as I get up before leaving for work. I feel this will be the most consistent approach. The rest of my day was spent working and attending the weekly discussion group which was focused on self-sabotage. The other day I read a thread on this site about the correlation between meditation and dreaming. I also researched about links with cutting out weed and dreaming too. I have had a few vivid, violent dreams over the past few weeks. Dreams that have obviously stayed with me and haven't been forgotten immediately like usual. I have also had dreams that put me in a past situation and reminded me of negative feelings I had, that I may have forgotten over the years if I was ever to second guess anything. Briefly touching on some other areas of my vision board: cardio has been great still, the next trip is booked for the end of May, been having mostly cold and luke warm showers, and I am still eager to read when I get the chance. Mindfulness and compassion have been ongoing work in progresses, popping up in my head more and more. I feel good because they are gaining better traction. I have not been writing any poetry but I started my first art piece on the computer, inspired by some psychedelic art I was looking at. Gratitude: I am thankful for help from my girlfriend. I am thankful I had a pair of rubber boots for work. I am thankful for many great people in my life.

Well yesterday was a step or two backwards. I never ended up doing my concentration exercise, and fell asleep while attempting to meditate after work. I also stayed asleep long enough to forfeit my workout plans. I look forward to working out tonight! My body was pretty sore and I was obviously overly tired so I guess it happens. One insight I had that I felt compelled enough to note was to just flip through my thoughts as if they were part of a catalogue, or like different slides on a projector. They can be gone as quickly as they arise. I did not end up making it out of the weekend weed-free. I don't feel bad about it or anything because I feel my perspective has shifted a reasonable amount. My girlfriend was interested in having a smoking session and I participated by taking one hit. We don't have any weed in the house now though so it won't be able to ripple its way through a bunch of the week. I feel great that I had such a fantastic weekend without weed, the end is in sight for this bad habit. Hopefully later today I will have more to note after my meditation session. Gratitude: I am thankful I am not outside in the rain. I am thankful for a good sleep. I am thankful for clean clothes to wear to work.

Concentration - 5:00, Meditation - 20:00+ What a great session I just had this morning. I used the same "count to 100" strategy to concentrate, while just imagining an old digital clock with flipping numbers for each second. After that I started my meditation session and it felt like one of the strongest yet. A couple of very random insights I want to note for myself from it were: a lava lamp of nothingness, a blanket/pocket of nothing to reside in from my thoughts, an elevated view of an everlasting canopy of nothing, and familiar waves of feeling in my feet. When my 20:00 timer went off I silenced and carried on, like I wasn't ready for the session to be done. Only when my girlfriend opened the door was I finished. This has been the first Friday + Saturday without at least a hit of weed in a long time. Honestly, it hasn't been weighing on me too much. I have been keeping busy though, but some of the things I have been doing I used to smoke and do so there is definite progress here. It has been a real busy weekend but I was able to still get in some weight training, cardio and cold showers. I have never had such an urge to do cardio. I have also had some time to just sit, looking out my front window with no sources of stimulation. Gratitude: I am thankful for the sun this morning. I am thankful for safe travels all weekend. I am thankful for all the wildlife living around my yard.

Concentration - 5:00, Meditation - 15:00 .. these were for yesterday. For my concentration exercise I followed counting to 100 and reversing back down once I got there. Thank you for all of those strategies you posted. I felt it was a successful. Sadly, I had another so-so meditation session. I didn't make time first thing in the morning, so it was right before bed and my drowsiness was too high. Some things I have been feeling good about is the direction that me and my girlfriend have been heading. We have been exercising together, making wiser food choices and reading about similar topics. She has also started to adopt the same mentality regarding weed, which will really make things easier for me to quit. Yesterday I came home to her working at a newly constructed creative / art station, which excites me because I may join her instead of doing my art on a computer. We will be spending this weekend together, doing some lower conscious activities but I think we will mix in enough healthier hobbies too. There will be shopping involved, which will include good situations to practice mindfulness and restraint when it comes to needless material purchases I used to seek. Speaking of seeking, I read about the zen ox herding pictures yesterday. Part of the explanation I have been replaying in my head and trying to understand is when he stopped running, that's when the tracks become clear. If we don't stop we can't proceed. I feel I read things people say on this forum that relate to that. I have an idea of what is being said but I don't completely understand. Something in me is so fascinated by these pictures. Gratitude: I am thankful I have a document explaining the ox herding. I am thankful I arrived safely at work. I am thankful for orange juice.

Concentration - 0:00, Meditation - 15:00 Today was non-stop. I wanted to be sure to make time to meditate, but I only managed to do a small session. It's seeming more and more like this habit is one to do in the morning. My mind has been going every which way when I have done it in late afternoon or before bed. Earlier at the gym things kept rolling and I had a fantastic chest workout. My training partner and I work out well together and push one another. On the topic of friends pushing one another, my buddy who smokes weed has gone 10 days without. He was an every day smoker, so this has me feeling inspired. I feel good knowing this will contribute positively toward me shedding this habit. This may be the first weed-free weekend I have had in a little while! Oh and also on the habit topic, I have pretty much cut out pop. It wasn't really all that difficult surprisingly. Gratitude: I am thankful I saw two blue jays today. I am thankful for my lunches. I am thankful for a bed to sleep in.

Concentration (Day 4 - 5:00), Meditation (Day 4 - N/A) .. these were for yesterday. Well, apparently a counter isn't the strongest method to get day in and day out consistency from me. Yesterday was filled with a lot of activities, many centering around my girlfriend's birthday, but those aren't excuses because I could have found 20 minutes for meditation. I did sit down and do my concentration session before leaving for work in the morning. From now on I'll probably just scrap the counter on my sessions and report the times completed for my own reference. I question myself, "is the counter only there to run up and try to get praise / respect from people who look at your journal?" I am looking forward to getting back into my new book. I view this reading as a way of looking after the spiritual component of my vision board for the time being. It has also sparked a couple instances where I came to realization of how I was thinking about past / future situations and causing myself unnecessary emotional grief. Gratitude: I am thankful for my location. I am thankful I have no health issues. I am thankful for this journal outlet.

Just checking in with a few insights that I feel I want to write so they don't disappear. I am wondering about things that I do right now that seem healthy on the surface, but I am curious how tarnished they actually are. The first is my gym habit. On the outside it is definitely a positive habit, but I don't know what the main driver of this habit is. Reflecting back probably about 9 years, I was very small and had low self-esteem. I got a gym membership at my current gym and have barely taken time off since. A week here and there, or time off for sickness. This is obviously one of my comfort zones, and possibly an addiction? Leo quoted, if you can't go a week without thinking about it, you're probably addicted. I can't go two days. I don't think it is something I should give up.. been getting my cardio in, some weights and there are people there that I like to talk to. I think the problem might still be with my self-esteem. Why am I so scared of not looking like I go to the gym? I know a driving factor was probably situations in high school, with both girls and guys. Obviously a lot of ego is in play here too. If anyone reads this and has any input I am definitely welcoming to a different perspective. The second is how I act at work. Right now it is very quiet (in construction) but they keep me busy during these times. I do a mix of office and in the field work. My boss has given me a few raises throughout the years, and I take pride in my work. Currently though, I come into work and just look busy and get paid. The emotion guilt arises in me when I think of this, as I am getting a pay check which is not really deserved. Living honestly is crucial and I don't feel this aligns with that. Also, I am aware of the thought fueling emotions process going on but I am not always conscious of that. I just guess I don't have all this pinned down yet of what is truly going on.

Concentration (Day 3 - N/A), Meditation (Day 3 - N/A) My concentration and meditation sessions will be done shortly before I go to bed. Today throughout the day I tried to practice quieting my mind during different situations. Tried catching myself focusing on the past and future, which seems to happen constantly. I got a chance to play hockey earlier and had a good time. It was with a group of guys I don't know well but they have treated me great when I've gone. This event acted as my cardio and my way of exiting my comfort zone. Earlier I also had a chat with my doctor about the process of getting off of my SSRI. When I got on it I was in a much worse situation while also being uneducated about pretty much all of the topics Leo discusses. I had just found out about him, and I was in a long term toxic relationship. Regardless, it was my OCD that was causing a lot of the anxiety too resulting in some states of depression. I am just concerned about the OCD part. I feel healthier nowadays and aware of a lot of other things that would have been contributing to that poor state. When the nicer weather hits in May I will lower the dosage and work towards being drug free. Gratitude: I am thankful for the new skates I borrowed. I am thankful for extended sleep tonight. I am thankful I am not hurt too bad after falling hard earlier.

(Ballade) Truths of life seem like mystery But I am getting wiser day by day. Plenty throughout history Have been able to carve their way. From nowhere thoughts arise and say, This will surely take devotion. I must not wait another day And put my life in motion. A path with adventure and inquiry, Is what I ponder as I lay. Things will arise that’ll get to me But that is part of the way. Undesired emotions are the price to pay; This is certainly the notion. I must not cause another delay And put my life in motion. One thing is still unknown to me, And that’s the direction to take today. Which path will end in ecstasy? And which will lead me astray? Whichever I take is surely okay; My vision will protect me like lotion. I must put an end to the games I play, And put my life in motion. Life will become the prey And I’ll be a shark in the ocean. Debts to myself I must repay, And put my life in motion.

There is some beautiful work in this thread. No visuals but I have been trying to write some poetry lately, experimenting with different formats: (Ottava Rima) A handmade piece, designed so exquisitely Engravings all throughout but etched not too deep Bell metal was used, like ancient history Once tapped, throughout the air sacred sound will seap Focusing on that, your mind in harmony No thought can last, no emotion is too steap All this? From a mallet producing a ding? Heightened consciousness, from the bowl that can sing.

Concentration (Day 2 - 5:00), Meditation (Day 2 - 16:00) So far the day has consisted of some training, reading, alone time and family time. It's been a pretty relaxed Sunday. I kept my string of good workouts going, training legs today, and experimented with a new machine. I went hard but eased up on hamstring specific exercises in case I decide to play hockey with that new group of guys tomorrow night. After the workout I got my cold shower done again too. I have been reading "The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle on and off today. Enjoying it thoroughly! I feel like I could really use a nap and I think that affected my concentration and meditation. I was going into the trance where tracking time is lost, but it was in more of a dozy manner probably. Last night I decided to meditate to a YouTube video before bed and felt like it was a session like no other. I was hoping that would enhance today's session, but it did not. So I neglected to exit my comfort zone in any way this weekend, but if I play hockey tomorrow night I think that will qualify. The only guy I know will not be there, so I will be playing this new sport with the unfamiliar group. Gratitude: I am thankful Beau is getting to know me. I am thankful for clear breathing. I am thankful for all the peace and quiet today.

I feel like I just had a spiritual experience. Earlier tonight I hit a little weed just so that is clear; however, this was hours later. I put on a 432Hz beat just to see what it was like, and felt like trying to meditate. It feels like things got much deeper. It was like all I had to do was surrender to this higher conscious, and let thoughts run blank. During, I just felt like laughing and smiling at one moment. The odd thing is it’s 11:30 ish and I am not “doing” anything. Maybe I was just being. I had one insight just as I was grounding out of the meditation. When I was about to open my eyes, I took a large breath and it felt like the first one of the whole session. I was paying no mind to it. I told myself I would try and write about that and other moments right after the meditation. As I am writing this I reflected, “is there anything else to document?” Then I took a large breath and remembered the above. I am new to meditation. I have meditated on occasion (trying to make it daily) and read “You Can Master Meditation” by David Fontana. I just wanted to record my experience and thought to put it out there for more reflection. I feel like some of the things Leo has said in podcasts resonate stronger now.