waschmaschine

Hello again! Long time no see! It's been great weeks and I'm getting better in achieving the things I want. In detail: Eating: I'm starting a new habit. I start without any breakfast, I only eat a little bit, when I'm hungry, mostly unhealthy stuff (like cornflakes with plantmilk etc.), but that's the kind of energy I need for starting my day (only if I need something!) The first meal is lunch. As I love cooking great meals, it's perfect to start the day with a healthy meal around 1 p.m. I always got hungry around this time even though I ate a smoothie. Now I'm still hungry around that time but because I didn't had any breakfast it feels much better to eat this meal and I do feel a lot better when I eat more than one plate. I also try to eat as often as possible with chopsticks, so that I can focus on mindful eating. It's more fun to look at the bits and pieces you have in your meal and you can focus on every single ingredient more detailed. Around 6-8 p.m. I make a smoothie and eat it as the last meal of the day. This is perfect, because I always need something sweet and filling for the night and this kind of meal works best for me. As smoothies with lots of ingredients make really full, this also prevents me from overeating at nighttimes. Wow! So, the eating thing was very easy. It just feels like turning habits around (sweets in the morning, lunch, smoothie in the evening) and it works so much better. And I start to stop myself to eat in a rush when I recognize, that I'm not eating mindfully. negative points: still need junkfood in between. but it's getting better. being in nature: I decided to be more in the nature and less in supermarkets. And it worked. I will get a lot of the vegetables I need from the SoLaWi. It's a solidary agriculture and therefore I have to drive to the farm in the city I live and collect the vegetables I paid for. It's also possible to help on the field and put the seeds into the ground, to pick the vegetables with others and do other stuff in nature. I'm also more often in the nature with my friends. The friends I make lately do help me a lot to feel much better and be in touch with me and themselves, with nature, with life. I can't put it into words, but it's great. For example I do have a friend who is biologist and shows me the greatest things in nature and I do recognize stuff I wouldn't have seen if I haven't been out with him. And all the other people I'm meeting are so connected to nature and like going out seeing and sensing the beauty of this planet. finding a life-purpose The feeling I'm starting to have more often is a feeling of deep joy and positiveness. I think I found a way to be helpful for this world - I want to make a voluntary program that's happening on a farm in the city I will move to in the next weeks. The work there was so special. I worked with childrengroups, had to take care of the animals on the farm and worked with the members of the farm. Everything felt so organic, I felt included, needed and I felt, that I had the energy and the motivation to do all the things they wanted from me. I got the most positive feedback one could imagine and I would say that the connection to the farmer was at a deep and honest level. That was great. (as farmer sounds a lot like an old man who talks a lot of rubbish, I want to give a deeper insight: It's a man in his mid 30s, who studied geography and is an educational theorist to give classes for the children coming to the farm). And after this, life feels like being back in its ways. And I don't think of something like a life purpose anymore. I think life finds its ways towards happiness. ___ thanks for reading. I hope everyone is doing well.

thanks for all your feedback. It's really helping me and I'm trying to prime myself towards other habits. But it's taking time because all these habits do have deep roots. (e.g. school, familiy, repetition of things over time) I don't know what to say about the stuff I'm trying to deal with today, so I'm just trying to talk about some general learnings I made: I'm not happy doing things alone. I always thought so, I always thought I'm happier doing this and that in a dark corner with my laptop or else, but I don't. I need someone sharing the same passion with me to do the stuff I want to do. I'm happy doing things together. It's great to see, that so many friends of mine are interested in the stuff I'm interested in. I want to make more music, I want to do some research about phenomena, I want to play theatre, I want to cook great meals together and I want to write or talk or shoot a video about things that mean something for me. And I want to talk to more people. I'm not happy not doing any sports. But I could. I have a fully working body and the internet, a room with some space for sports, a fitness-members-card, a swimming-members-card and the whole world. But I'm not doing sports. Sadly. What a pitty to type these words while sitting on my ass and not doing anything. I'm happy being so motivated about sports. Although I do know that I have to fight against my inner lazyness, I do know that the human body is capable of running and swimming and doing all this crazy stuff people are doing with there bodies. And that means I'm capable of this too. I'm not happy in this society. Erich Fromm says, that most people are acting like marketing themselves and not having any deep relationships, wether at work nor at home. The people are only working for their jobs, not for themselves. Acting for their jobs. Praising the moneylord. And they don't care. Look at the votes, we vote for war. I'm happy about the people, who are making so many cool new and friendly stuff. And last but not least: I hate being in this room everyday. I have to go out. I have to work in the university on my stuff to have a learning atmosphere and not this room full of lazyness and stuff.

So I started to write journals on several days over the last weeks. But I didn't finished them. As this websites saves all the drafts, here's what I wrote in all of it's incomplete glory. February 12th: Last time I posted something was a week ago. It's been a long and intense week. Looking back at all the stuff that happens suddenly makes fun again. It's so much easier to remember stuff when you're writing these journals - even if you're doing it in a loose way like I do nowadays. And it helps to structuring the further journey. So if you never tried doing a journal or think it's bullshit because you won't be able to do it daily - just give it a try and maybe you gain anything new for yourself. As I "broke" my concept of writing each day in retrospection and setting goals for the next day didn't work out too, I'm describing what was happening in topics I'm trying to focus on. mindful eating I'm not sure when I ate which meal and why and if it made sense to eat this and that, but what I recognise is that I'm having the least issues with my breakfast. I'm starting my day mostly with a smoothie with lots of fruits, soja-joghurt and different nuts or seeds. I'm drinking a pot of tea and then my day starts. It's a really good habit because I always feel very good afterwards, do not overeat and even put the rest of the smoothie aside for the next day, if I recognise that I can't eat it anymore. I like the different tastes of all the different things in there and it's cool to make smoothies in all kinds of colours. So I do have variation, I do feel good, but I'm not eating it mindfully. I don't know how to eat something so fluidly with lots of consciousnes. Maybe have to try that the other day. After breakfast the problems begin: I don't know when to eat the next meal, I don't know how much I should eat and I do not have a good feeling for my gut. This is the part where I have to find solutions for. Best eating experiences: Ate a pomelo and put it into it's tiniest parts. Citrus fruits are so fucking beauty! _______________________________ February 19th So, I think I wrote this stuff above days ago. Maybe on friday the tenth. I'm still feeling unsecure if this is the right date. I have to look it up, to say the correct answer. It was sunday the twelth, because back then I wrote a message here. The feeling of uncertainty in the things I say is an overall feeling. I want to be 100% sure in talking about stuff, that's why I hate talking about things. I don't know most of things. _________________ February 20th _____________ February 24th Mornings are my friends. I feel a lot of energy after waking. I broke nofap today, so I'm not as strong and focus as I could've been. If I have a plan for the day, if I have a task, then I will feel fulfilled. Things I wanna do today: Finish my applications for a new job. Do some other PC-related stuff for work. Things I hate about doing stuff for work, applications and other stuff: You always sit on the computer. That's a thing I never wanted. Other stuff I noticed: A friend of mine told me, she's always checking, if she or the situation feels good or bad for her. I think that's something I'm constantly doing since having a bad trip. And she does it in every moment since a few weeks because of her anxiety disorder. Crazy. That's a learning that's very important for me: Just let things happen. I have to stop wanting progress so deeply while doin nothing.

Day 2 woke up early fapped didn't went swimming had a good breakfast went to the doctor because of my shoulderpain! again, I did not eat mindful. long walk in nature, but didn't focus that much on nature because my sis talked so much ate some meals at 6p.m. and 7 p.m. unmindfully and overeat. accidentially slept from 8 p.m. to 11:30 p.m. Goals reached: 0/3 Goals for the next day: letter of motivation (oh I have to stop pushing things to the next day over and over again. Makes no sense and hurts myself) do an hour of meditation read Erich Fromm Things I recognised: I value everything I'm doing on the amount of "intellegent" stuff I've done over the day. Mostly gives me a bad feeling. But I don't need to feel bad, I have to accept the situation and try to focus on the stuff that matters to me.

I need a habit in writing these journals. Here's how I wanna try this: So I try to write these journals twice a day. Midday and midnight, to stay on task. Middays I want to write down everything good or bad that happened so far, to use the energy I gained or reflect about why I didn't have had energy. Midnights I want to set 3 goals for the next day and reflect over the past hours. I will send one post per day, by finishing these lines midnights and sending them out. Day 1 woke up early this morning. Was fit. Had a lot of energy, but got back to sleep. I try to sleep on my back now, very straight, maybe this will strenghten my back and avoid pain. went swimming did a short meditation with my balkony door open. I like the sounds from the outside, the wind coming into my room, the birds chattering, all the stuff happening. Need to find a comfortable position. had a good breakfast with a smoothie, but now my stomache is full. I think I don't know how it feels to have an empty stomach. Eating twice a day, maybe that's it. (Thanks @Vicki. Even when I eat three meals, I forget to eat mindfully. Have to focus on that.) Rest of the day was cloudy and uncool. Ate a lot, slept a lot. This is the general feeling of the day. Laziness. Went to the foodsharing-meeting. Was horrible, because of the energy in the room. Lots of stress and anger. Afterwards talked to my flatmate(s). Very nice talk. I like the girl in our flat. She listens to me. Now I'm wirting stuff. Thinking about myself. I like it, when I use my energy. Now trying to finish motivation letter. Next days goals: Swimming in the morning (oh gosh! maybe I won't do it...) finishing motivation-letter looking for jobs / or reading Erich Fromm

I'm feeling bad for not keeping track of what I think, what I do, what I have to do, what I've done and so on. This is not a journal. This is still the same day I started this journal. This is still the same moment. Andit feels like I'm using all my power to put this moment on halt. I meditated for only few minutes. I think I have to put all these thoughts into this, before I can go back to meditation. I have thoughts coming back daily. I daily think about my pain in the right side of my body. I put so much concentration into this pain and I think these pain occured because I sat in very stupid positions on the computer during my childhood. But I don't do anything to make that feeling and these structural issues of my body go away and I'm afraid of doctors. I daily think about my relationship to my boyfriend. But I also don't feel like being a person ready for a relationship. It forces me to overact all my issues I generally have in interaction with other people. But instead of growing on this, I adopt parts of his lifestyle instead of following my own ideas. I daily think about the pain in my stomach. But I don't think that there really is a problem, because when I'm happy and busy doing good stuff and do long walks and be in nature (as I did on the last festival f.e.) and don't overeat, I'm feeling fine. I daily think about leaving my appartement, but I don't go out. I daily think about meditation, but I don't do it. I daily think about reading the book laying next to my bed, but I don't do it. I daily think about all the stuff I need to do, but there still is tomorrow, so I DON'T DO IT! I daily think about stopping to chew fingernails, fapping, etc. I daily think about smoking weed, but curiously I'm not doing it. I think I'm stuck somewhere. I feel like our society stopped evolving at some point and now we are all stucking in habits we have to stop with. Why are we that lazy? Why are we doing stuff that make no sense? Why do I have to listen to all the shit talk over and over again? Why do we still listen to music from the 90s at EVERY FUCKING PARTY? What happens in our western culture? Why is every fucking day the same day as yesterday and tomorrow? Why can't I evolve, why do I do all these things even being aware that I'm responsible for the stuff I am doing. It's so obvious that our world will fail, that human beings will stop exist, that our species is in danger when so many people act the same way I do. My headache is wore no. I'm freezing. My stomache hurts. Since a few weeks I often have the feeling that I want to vomit. I feel like there's something bad in me. I think were losing track of the whole picture because we're so specialized in so many different things and it getsmore and more and we're getting more and more disconnected although we have this great tool called the internet. And I feel like I have to do something to stop this, but I don't know what. I'm afraid of my thoughts. The lines down below still were there as I started to write this today. Don't know when I wrote this: My head is exploding. Whom can I believe? Me? The voice in my head? My feelings? These words, letters, structures? Where am I going? Who is me? Who is the voice in my head? How do I differentiate between ego and my real purpose, goal, wants and needs? This whole world is so fucked up. I don't get it. Everything feels so disconnected.

sorry, so much blabla in the last long post. Today didn't start well. didn't go to swim broke nofap breakfast was unhealthy I am awake since 2 hours and still in bed. I need a goal. A life purpose. Things I want to focus on: do sports regularly (e.g. swimming) try to make music with the keyboard and electronic stuff eat healthy, slow, mindful. Maybe I will try to eat only once a day, so that I don't focus that much on eating over the day. finding a job. I do have a Bachelor of Arts but ... I can't do anything I want with this. And I'm nearly 25. Things that need to stop: procrastination Doing meditation now. Bye!

I think I have to bet on myself right now. I forgot to say how curative weed is for me often, because it helps me to start to do stuff and get interested in life itself and myself.

So it took me a while since friday to post again to this thread even though I also wanted to recap thursday and friday to describe a day where I feel as fuck (thursday) and where I feel like being in a whole new understanding of me (friday). But since there was a big party with lots of alcohol, weed, hashbrownies, good situations and bad situations the days before feel like a fuzzy picture which i cannot capture completely anymore. But I will try to do that now. But first of all I had to click on stupid websites for the last 20 minutes after this paragraph. Don#t know what I really did there. Some stalking, some recognizing of faces I used to know... The internet feels like a bubble which strongens my ego. The internet loves memories, only shows me what I really like and tells me, that I'm right with my opinion. Anyway! Thursday - a bad day as fuck I don't remember how the day started. But I looked into chathistory with some friends and remember some things again. Day started good, I had a smoothie with lots of healthy stuff. But then I didn't know what to do. They whole day was full of options. I could have saved the world, could have worked somewhere or helped anybody, but instead I sat at home, staring at my screen and waited for something to happen. There are many things on my virtual to-do-list in my head, but instead I got frustrated because of the only in my head existing workload and went to the kitchen to eat the chocolate I still had in my fridge. And that's it literally. I cooked something for dinner, I ate the stuff I made for dinner in the evening and then ordered pizza, even though I was full. At the end of the day my stomach hurt that much, I couldn't lean forward... What a pity life, waiting for days passing by. No wonder our world is outta control, when we or I can't even cope with eating or doing something. Friday - a good day as fuck Hahaha just took a glimpse back at my journal from friday (the text above Vickis comment [thanks for this comment. Don't know why I have to mention this here, but it gave me a positive feeling]) and I just saw, that I didn't even complete the text. It fits to the way I do stuff at the moment and the way too high standards I'm setting myself. Always wanting to write the perfect text (which isn't even possible), but too distracted and lazy to finish all my thoughts. But I wanted to describe friday: It was a day full of love. When I had to find a word for thursday, which describes my feeling over the day, it would be "disconnected". Friday was the opposite. Did some phonecalls with friends far away. And I don't get it. I do sit a lot at home, wondering how boring I arrange "my life" while I do have this good connection to so many people around me. To so many people for so long. I'm 24 and I do know my oldest friends for more then 20 years... So yeah, friday was good. Friday was also the day I started this journal. And I didn't drink alcohol, didn't eat chocolate and so on! Saturday. The day after starting this journal. I waked at 7:30 a.m. and started with meditation. First time ever I started my day like this, although I wanted to do this for the last couple of months. Afterwards I went swimming with a friend. That was great. I like to swim, I like the feeling of water around me, I like feeling free in the water, I like how every human looks so real when they are just in their swimming trunks. No suits, no clothings distracting from the body underneath. Don't know why this is so catchy for me. Today I will buy swimming goggles so that I get a feeling for the depth of the water while diving in the public swimming pool. _____ Bought the goggles! I'm so slow, it's late evening now and I started to write this around 10 a.m. But, back to topic. I meditated even during swimming. We searched a place in the bath, sat down and closed our eyes. Was great, all the different kinds of sounds. Afterwards I walked with friends in the nature. A little streamlet around was frozen, very nice. Had a lot of fun. Saw a lot of nature. Looked and stared at the ice for a long time. In the evening we had a party. Didn't felt like partying. Had fun anyways until some guy forced me to dance. Didn't wanted to dance. He sat himself on my belly. Tried to get him off of me. He started to dislike me, he gave me negative vibes. He said weird stuff. Apologized for his behavior. Said he couldn't promise it won't happen again. I can't cope with situations like this. I always picture bad stuff will happen, because he also said he has agression inside of him. My heart beat so fast because I was afraid. I get paranoid in such situations. I could have been more understanding, but I couldn't. I hope I will learn from this situation. At this time the party was over for me. Sunday. Night and day. After partying at 5 a.m. I went to bed. Had some friends there, they slept on the couch. My boyfriend and me slept in my bed. We touched each other. It was intense. I like soft intense touches, like soft intense music. e.g. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Htp4JtKLneM Sunday was a day in nature again, with friends. Was great, I felt the connection to friends, nature and life. Did some work for an organization too. I don't put much effort in it, but these people are so loving and caring even though I would have so much more energy in doing this stuff, but I'm not doing more. Monday. I don't know what kind of day this was. It was confusing. But I drank alcohol and smoked weed saturday and sunday. Maybe I needed a day of. Did nothing today I wanted to do. I ate partly good stuff (breakfast was healthy, dinner and lunch were healthy too. But all the stuff in between was bad. Lots of sugar. Lots of unmindful eating. I need to chew my meals more intense. I need to take time to look at the stuff I eat and prep. slept middays after eating. Why am I doing this? It makes no sense. watched porn. jerked off. Didn't made any fun, just did it to have done it. wasn't motivated to write something for the organization I work for. Pity. Need to write shorter journals and less detailed. It takes soakes in all of my time and thought. Don't n´know if this is the way to go.

This is, what distracted me from doing this earlier and be fully aware of everything: I think I spend more time in supermarkets than in nature. I eat a lot of food because I push my problems away and reject to do the work I would have to do I am afraid of doing something. I'm afraid of typing words and get a reaction to these words. I'm lazy I'm unfocused. While I'm writing this, I always have to scratch myself. I'm avoiding progress. I don't know why, but I really like to stick at the same habits, although I know how silly this is and even though I do criticise this in other people. I feel like I'm waiting for something. I'm waiting for something to happen. My head is full of bad news and circling around climate change, terrorism, poorness and richness of people etc. My head is full of stuff I want to do, but because of this overwhelming amount of things I do nothing instead. and a lot more which will surely be a topic later on in this thread Today I'm in the mood of writing this text. The last couple of month were full of emptiness, not in my mind, but in the moments I lived and what is generally called "life". If I would live for my CV, I had to kill myself now, because I didn't do anything. I'm a student, I get my money for (not) studying and so I feel like having a big advantage and luxury in favor of other people in this world. While I'm writing this I'm trying to avoid this situation and my mind and body start to want food, want to walk towards the kitchen or something else. I'm distracting myself the whole time. Sometime last year I started to search for information about enlightenment and all this bullshit and I started to wonder, what my real purpose on this earth is. I always wanted to be a journalist and I always wanted to explore new stuff and to get to now many different perspectives on life, people, habits, etc. But since media is fucked up and since I don't put any effort in finding something in which I really can do this stuff, I So I did notice, that I do too many things which are distracted me from what I really want to be. These things are: games, because I played a lot of videogames when I was young and still played games, but I only liked them when they were new and suddenly stopped playing them. And then bought a new game. series, because I really get addicted and bingewatch the whole time, when I find a new series. It was kinda my salvation to watch things I started to like, to get to know these fake characters and to talk about these things. food, because I always cook super special vegan shit in large amounts and I eat it alone while watching series, etc. Sometimes I woke up in the morning, ate breakfast, watched some stupid things on the internet, was happy to have 1p.m. so that I can prep the next meal, ate that shit, watched something else, got lazy, fell asleep, was happy that it was evening and could do more silly stuff, because in the evenigs it felt "o.k." to do this stuff. And then I ate again, but in the evenings I always ate chocolate and stuff like this. And I drank beer. And I smoked weed. communication, because all the stuff people are talking about is so meaningless and I'm not able to get to know the human beings sourrounding me, because they/we (or maybe I) am (are) not talking about the stuff that really matters. I don't want to talk about video games, series, work, food or else. I wanna know how people feel at specific moments, how they are dealing with themselves. ego, because I don't want to be a "fixed" person. I don't know if this is the correct word, as english is not my native language, but habits make us having a "personality" and because of e.g. being a person who loves meat, we don't wanne change a habit, even though most of us haven't tried. I want to be open to every situation and want to be aware of the things I'm causing because of my behavior. Lately I felt that I got more and more aware of the moment and want to overthink my habits. I want to accomplish the following things: I wanna eat the amounts of food with the nutritions I need and stop overeating, eating junk food etc. I want to feel energetic and stop being lazy nofap, as it's currently a morning ritual and a ritual to distract me over the day from things I want to do. make meditation a habit make doing stuff a habit search for a way to put my energy into a job that has sense. I think this is a good start for me, as I'm happy that I finally did something I wanted to accomplish in a few days. I wanted to write this for only 3 days now - and here I am! That's good. Stop the procrastination, boys and girls.