Annoynymous

@winterknight when i had my last mystical experience as i mentioned you before, i felt like i was in a state pf bliss and i dont want it to leave me at any cost. Nonetheless, that feeling was gone and slowly i was back in my previous state. Since then, i have noticed that i am secretly craving for that state of bliss again, but i dont know how to attain it again. What to do? And why does it leave us?

@winterknight what do you think about success? Human being are prone to chase success, is it right way to live?

@Joseph Maynor Thank you

@winterknight why quiet mind is important in spiritual practice?

@Leo Gura how to take decisions in life then? If i want to go to point A and in this pursuit i end up being in point B, this can create massacre in my life.

@winterknight what are the benefits of meditation?

I also want to know your perspective on this @Serotoninluv

@zambize It seems like a complex thing. If it is so complex, how can we even predict things correctly? Moreover, if we think in terms of one's goal, how can one even work to achieve any goal? Because every effort we are going to put can have counter intuitive result, suppose we work of getting something and may end up having something that we dont want! @Leo Gura

But jp is an asshole just kidding

i am in suffering mode now a days. My goal is to end my suffering but feels like a hell like an effort. She was my best friend. She was in a relation at the time i decided to approch her. Not in a direct way. But i wanted to seduce her. Question is why did i want to do that? 1. Her bf was my senior at university. He treated me as his younger brother from the day i have entered univsrsity. It felt good. Because ragging is so common at our uni and i felt relieved. I thought of him as a support. He was assuring me about those stuff and it felt like it was a promise from him to protect me. I felt good and secured. I was afraid. An afraid person usually needs support. But why was i afraid? What was the fear? Why fear occurs at all? Maybe i felt that i will be rediculed in front of a lot of people in the name of ragging. I don't like when people try to disgust me. Try to make fun of me. He was kind of dominating guy. He seemed calm at first. He was listening. I felt from his part that he is quite grounded. I could feel strength in him. That was somehow frightening. But whenever he gave away some good word to me it felt valuable. Was i seeking validation? Maybe yes. He invited me to meet me. We met outside of a mall. He seemed like a mysterious guy. Talking about uni corruption and how teachers can make money through it in illegal way. He was talking about dark things. I felt the greed inside of me but i also felt horrible inside of me. Dont really know why. He said things to me like he is attracted to those "dark" things. I felt he was also manupulating me to grow interest in those. After some days i felt i was getting in his "zone". He used to cl me at the time the cls was going on. He use to cl me after the cls and usually said to go to him. I use to spend tym after the clz with him. It was like he he and he and i was feeling domination slowly. He also use to give my restaurant bills, never really allowed me to pay anything. I was comfortable at first because it was our campus tradition that seniors will pay juniors bill at least at the first 3 months of coming to fhe campus. But he was giving excessinvely. It was not liked by me.i began to grow dislike. But he can influence anyone. Its a very interesting thing and honestly, quite attractive. He can prove his point in a strong manner. Later on i thought that he had a very big ego. He was showing power. How teachers were close to him, how he managed to get a zero for his clsmate illegally, how he was connected to politics etc. Felt like he was showing power, not in a show, but in a shadow oriented way. Like he was talking about it but not all the things get showed. Time to time he seemed like he understand my emotions. He tried many times to console me. I used to get consoled. To me, at that point he was a confuing character. It looked like he was playing game to me, push pull type. Sometimes i felt he was so helpful, other time i felt that he is not that good. Confusing time was going on.. It will continue

I will here talk about journey/struggle of my getting out of struggle.

@winterknight i am trying to do many things to emotionally venting myself but it is taking time. Still i am not out of suffering fully as i had to see that girl as we attend same cls and i can not skip my graduation. I don't know how much time it will take to fully recover.

@winterknight and this is part 2. After the mystical experience, i felt calmness in my mind. I don't know when was the last time i experienced that much calmness in my mind. I felt awesome and could do complex thinking. I lost the concept of time. I was looking at my feeling. I felt extreme clarity and could connect with people more well. I thought abougt some social matters and came up with some radical thoughts that blowed even myself. I thought marriagr is a flawed thing, anyone can be connected with anyone, without any convention, even sexually. Basically i was not seeing any boundary. Social boundaries and convention meant nothing to me. I was feeling energy. I thought everything was energy. Various kinds of energy. I was focusing on creating positive energy. I think after a certain point, i was getting over confident. I tried somwthing new this time and with another person. I wanted to bring her out of something that i felt was wrong and i thought it will be nice i pull her out of it. In that work i was comperatively successful to some extend. After that i began to experience fog in my mind and i felt i am becoming neurotic and anxious and that profound mystical feeling left me. I was in blunder. And my work with that girl began to fail. After some months i discovered myself in failure. I couldn't do what i wanted to do. I felt miserable, more than i was before. I couldnt take the blow and fell right on the ground. I became frustrated anxious depressed lonely fearful. I was deeply seeking that mystical experience but couldnt access it. I believed if i could have that experience again, i will feel good again. I also felt that experience proved not to be enough. Right now i feel guilty. I thought i could uplift someone else's consciousness but it turned out that i myself was not even conscious enough. What do you have got to say? N.B- i deliberately left out my personal story untold. I don't feel comfortable telling here. If you have time and patience to hear, i can PM you.

I don't know any popular/famous women who is at stage yellow but in this forum i follow one woman's writing and i think she has got pretty well yellow features and she is @Emerald her writing has complexity and i found them very insightful usually.

@winterknight i have communicated with you several times in this thread, mostly with asking questions. Now i feel like i want to share some of my backgrounds with you. I had my last profound experience in 2016 december/ 2017 january. I havent had that much meditation experience before, i wasn't even familiar with the word self inquiry. Before that, i was suffering greatly for several months. It felt like i am finished, i have no reason to live in this world, i felt i should suicide and there is no way out from this misery. I was like a complete hell. I didn't know where i was going in my journey of life. Until something happened.... One day, something inside of me said to me to STOP. And suddenly i stopped. I noficed my thought is happening, and i am just beginning to watch it like a observer. It was like a movie. I realized my thoughts were not me. I felt like something very big fell upon me. It was shocking. Then i felt something inside me guiding me to take a tour with him/her/entity. I gone along with it, and it showed me really very profound things, things that i couldn't even believe! One might ask what was those, but really, i felt like i can not describe those in words, they are so profound and complex. I saw my suffering and that entity showed me those were not even existed in the first place! Then it showed me how i created those sufferings! Watching that, i became really very sad, depressed. It showed me that i am a creator and how i create, things! This period went for several days and those were so profound that i even regreted that why would i have to take food and bath because it felt like waste of time. I was eager to see those things. It finally showed me that i do not exist. It showed me happiness, sadness, depression, sexuality, guilt, shame, sweetness and many things. I felt like its just a layer and there is more to see more to dive deeper. After some days it went away. But i wasnt the same me i was before. I felt that i died. Literally died. After some days of sadness, i became surprisingly happy. I felt joy in my heart. I felt fresh, even the joy was so great that one night i literally was jumping in a street with no reason. And it was giving me tremendous happiness. I thought this feeling will be always there for me. But i was wrong. Now i want to hear from you. What do you think? What was that? What happened to me? Was it some sort of enlightenment? N.B - at that time as i remember now is that i didnt even know the word enlightenment and what it is.

Does self survival leads to a good life? If it is not, how to lead a good life?

@Leo Gura can spiral dynamics be used to understand personal phenomena also?

@Emerald was your suggestion only for female or does that include males also?

@Mu_ Confusing map for the territory is a problem that human beings suffered for centuries and still suffering. SD is a great map. But it never claimed itself as the territory. Ego can turn everything into dogma and ideology.

I am also INFP-T. Turbulence is 67 percent. I have experienced emotional truma recently and it was overwhelming. I felt like i have to withdraw from the outside world and live with myself. At that time, i was smoking heavily, troubled with sleeping and thinking excessively. I had very difficult times. Still the person who caused trauma hangs out in front of me (we live in same university). It slowly starts to drain my energy and lead me to anxiety and depression.

@Leo Gura seems like an extreme hard process.

@Leo Gura Do you think our point of views dictate our lives? From our POV, do we judge, become emotional and moralistic? To what extent our POV controls our lives?

@winterknight i dont believe my country's phychologist that much. I live in Bangladesh and its a third world country. They usually dont go very deep and heavily reliant on medication. I am sorry. Actually i couldn't really grasp the thing self inquiry. When ever i try to ask 'who am i' answers come from my mind like what a disgusting question it is and starts judging it negetively. I can't progress any further. And from now on i will try more to contemplate your answer deeply. My apology.

I am sorry. Actually i couldn't really grasp the thing self inquiry. When ever i try to ask 'who am i' answers come from my mind like what a disgusting question it is and starts judging it negetively. I can't progress any further. And from now on i will try more to contemplate your answer deeply. My apology.

@winterknight what is self inquiry? How does it work?