Timotheus

@The White Belt " During a talk about the "3 Jobs of the Human Condition" (Appreciate, Transcend, Improve) while giving examples of Transcendence in different spiritual traditions, someone asked Shinzen, "What about Tribal?" This is his response. " And of course, suffering also helps.

https://www.elephantjournal.com/2017/08/to-end-suffering-escape-into-discomfort/

@Leo Gura Wtf. Is going to a monastery really an option?

Magic Mushrooms: https://www.actualized.org/forum/topic/13929-my-search-is-over-realized-my-true-nature-a-short-self-reflection-shrooms/#comment-143316 by Franz (34 upvotes) https://www.actualized.org/forum/topic/12665-trip-report-8g-shroom-tea/#comment-131799 by Nahm (26 upvotes) https://www.actualized.org/forum/topic/6062-the-one-profound-insight-i-got-from-trippin-balls-on-shrooms/ by Azrael (22 upvotes) https://www.actualized.org/forum/topic/13232-intense-mushroom-trip-36g/#comment-136793 by MsNobody (22 upvotes) https://www.actualized.org/forum/topic/9707-4-grams-psilocybin-trip-report-well-that-was-intense/#comment-95447 by cle103 (22 upvotes) https://www.actualized.org/forum/topic/8405-shrooms-report/#comment-80561 by RossE (18 upvotes) https://www.actualized.org/forum/topic/14732-there-is-only-me-2g-shroom-tea-trip-report/#comment-150687 by Justin (18 upvotes) https://www.actualized.org/forum/topic/11777-profound-mushroom-trip/ by Dizzy (16 upvotes) https://www.actualized.org/forum/topic/13769-shrooms-trip-report-experiencing-the-explosion-of-yin-yang/#comment-142000 by Azrael (15 upvotes) https://www.actualized.org/forum/topic/9226-my-first-mushroom-trip/ by Nightrider1435 (11 upvotes) https://www.actualized.org/forum/topic/11362-shrooms-trip-report-deep-down-the-epistemological-rabbit-hole/ by Yamazaki (10 upvotes) https://www.actualized.org/forum/topic/11405-shrooms-report-2/#comment-117151 by RossE (10 upvotes) https://www.actualized.org/forum/topic/13138-atlantis-truffle-trip-report/#comment-135947 by Jacobsen (9 upvotes) https://www.actualized.org/forum/topic/15038-i-tried-psychedelics-for-the-first-time-mushrooms/#comment-153187 by Zega (9 upvotes) https://www.actualized.org/forum/topic/13812-3g-lemon-tek-magic-mushroom-trip-report/#comment-142353 by cle103 (8 upvotes) https://www.actualized.org/forum/topic/9000-first-psilocybin-experiences-35g-of-shrooms/ by Franz (8 upvotes) https://www.actualized.org/forum/topic/13016-first-trip-report-golden-teacher-personnal/#comment-134896 by Lynnel (7 upvotes) https://www.actualized.org/forum/topic/12681-my-first-mushroom-trip-5g/#comment-131930 by Ape (6 upvotes) https://www.actualized.org/forum/topic/11002-1st-shroom-trip-report/#comment-112468 by Martin123 (6 upvotes) https://www.actualized.org/forum/topic/13405-shrooms-trip-report-in-israel/#comment-138839 by by hundreth (3 upvotes) https://www.actualized.org/forum/topic/15048-magic-truffles-trip-report/#comment-153388 by egoless (4 upvotes) Shrooms + Syrian Rue https://www.actualized.org/forum/topic/11461-trip-report-5-grams-of-shrooms-5-grams-of-syrian-rue-10-hours-of-enlightenment/#comment-117698 by Franz (12 upvotes) AL-LAD: https://www.actualized.org/forum/topic/9732-al-lad-trip-it-is-just-a-dream/#comment-95767 by Big_D (12 upvotes) https://www.actualized.org/forum/topic/15143-al-lad-trip-report-a-life-in-love-and-service/#comment-154196 by phoenix666 (10 upvotes) https://www.actualized.org/forum/topic/9352-al-lad-trip-report-full-body-orgasms/ by Big_D (10 upvotes) https://www.actualized.org/forum/topic/13642-trip-report-300-mcg-al-lad/#comment-141005 by Timotheus (6 upvotes) https://www.actualized.org/forum/topic/14866-al-lad-trip-report-perfect-introduction/#comment-151751 by Wes Thoughts (5 upvotes) https://www.actualized.org/forum/topic/15176-my-experience-deprivation-float-al-lad/#comment-154436 by Serotoninluv (3 upvotes)

It's been about 13 months of 30 – 120 minutes of daily meditation/concentration, here and there some self inquiry and about 15 trips on LSD, Al-Lad or shrooms. A lot has changed, but it feels like I've been suppressing or disconnecting from my emotions for too long. In most of my trips so much fear, shame and pain comes to the surface that in 2 of them I seriously considered killing myself cause I just couldn't stand it anymore. And now I am aware of constant shame and fear and pain also during meditation or randomly throughout the day. At least now I can feel something, most of the time in my life I was depressed and numb or not even aware of my anxiety. However recently I do experience some moments of peace, quite rarely, but it's getting more. I've been emotionally disconnected from my parents and couldn't connect to friends throughout my life, so that I cannot remember any love in my life. Been playing quite a role of someone who is overly friendly and funny. I've always tried to hide my pain to the point where I was imitating laughing on a regular basis when really I felt nothing or worse. The few sad moments I had where actually one of the best, I finally felt alive. However recently, when I watch a video of Leo, Eckhart, Rupert etc. I can feel an outburst of love (the trips really helped alot with that). At first I actually wasn't sure what this intense feeling in the area of my solar plexus could be, this is how fucked up I am. I've been compensating this before I consciously started on this journey with weed, alcohol, porn, drama, food, self destructive behavior, isolation, disconnection and daydreaming. I believe if I didn't come across Leo, last year while I was vegetating in my dorm room, being stoned from morning till evening, I would have committed suicide or ended up as a heroine junky. Since then I've never touched weed again and almost no alcohol, I've lost over 44 lbs and am now the leanest I've ever been in my life without any effort, I just don't have any desire for unhealthy food or behavior anymore, it's just the opposite. I still have low self esteem and a victim mentality, but now I can really see this during my interactions. I feel quite stuck in life. I just don't know what to do. Been studying an computer science related bachelor programm for over 2 years now, but I'm quite sure that this doesn't fit in with my values. I just cannot develop any passion for coding, nor do I want to become a software consultant or a project manager. I'm also stuck in the middle of the life purpose course due to limiting beliefs and uncertainty about my values. I am a 24 y/o virgin and this journey doesn't seem to help with that, since I quit going to parties or anything similar for the last year and I have no desire to go back. I've cut down some toxic relationships and feel like I can only relate to one friend anymore(he's also into PD and enlightenment). I am getting more and more aware of synchronistic events and also it seems like I can sometimes intuit what other people think by knowing what they're going to say. I'm also much more aware of other people's emotions, it feels like I've been blind my whole life and probably still am. I feel quite neurotic/anxious about posting this, but I don't care. It felt quite releasing to write this down. Thanks for reading.

Thank you.

@NahmThank you!

@Nahm<3

@Socrates I find the movie Collateral(2004) to be quite beautiful. Don't get discouraged by the official trailer though. This movie greatly points out our isolation, anonymity and illusionary divisiveness especially in big cities. It also lets you question what's good and what's evil and in general what's meaning... It really is a beautiful movie. I can also recommend the movie "Tree of Life". Makes you reflect on life..

Make sure to also watch the second part!

From Dhammapada verse 178: Sole dominion over the earth, going to heaven, lordship over all worlds: the fruit of stream-entry excels them.

"Dream no small dreams for they have no power to move the hearts of men." - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Time To Say Good-Bye Andrea Bocelli ( Featuring Sarah Brightman ) Time to .. just let go

@Psyche_92 I've been there too. Have a bit of faith in this whole journey, be as conscious as possible as you meet those people or remember shit of the past. Soon it won't affect you anymore and you will even love these people for what they truly are. And remember they probably also went through some traumatic events which motivated them for these actions. This too shall pass. Love.

@Azrael nice! thanks!

Eckhart Tolle. I've watched and listened to almost 100 hours of content. Just hearing his voice makes calm and peaceful. His level of empathy and compassion is enormous. I love his humour. Rupert Spira, as already mentioned. Such eloquence!

Trip report - 300 mcg AL-LAD – Everything is made out of sexual energy This was the first trip, in which I didn't suffer. I have tripped about 10-12 times before, mostly on shrooms and LSD. Every time in those trips I sensed this intense feeling of fear and terror(sometimes deep sadness) in the first half of it, which by times made me roll on the floor shivering and sweating. The second half however was very peaceful. This kept me going. I've never experienced ego-death, probably because of this shit preventing me from going deeper. So, I already expected some shit coming up, but I was quite fed up and thought:"Okay, I don't care, even if I'm gonna die tonight, there's nothing to lose." I was lying on my couch waiting, being mindful. One hour after dropping it still no effect. "Did I eat too much and too recently? Did I buy some low quality shit? Bla bla bla.." But then..., well then there were some kind of visuals. A fractal structure. No typical geometrical fractal, more organic, alive, elegant and beautiful and so so VAST. "Is this the absolute? I mean look at this these are entire worlds! Are they? But it's not yet clear enough... What is this shit!?". I got interrupted by some intense acoustics. Sexual acoustics, and also this intense feeling( of love?) in my chest and belly. Although I didn't orgasm, this was quite nice. Then I got back again to this fractal structure. "Wait. All of this is made out of this intense feeling. This energy. Sexual energy! How epic is that!? I AM MADE OUT OF THIS. EVERYTHING IS" I watched myself laughing. It felt like hours."How could I be so stupid by taking life so goddamn serious? It's all fine. Even better, it's all epic and with every step on this journey it's getting even better!!" "Wait.. I watched myself laughing.. who was watching?" - I embraced not knowing. A thought came up. I remembered this strange intuition of: "How do I know my thoughts are as private as I think? How do I know these are MY thoughts?" Then it felt like I could listen to some of you guys' thoughts. Some questions came up, which have been actually posted shortly after this event on the forum.. Am I just deluded? Who knows. "I" thought about a coach I follow since years. Thought about his history, how he achieved what he achieved, his impact. The next day he posted an article describing exactly that.. Some time after, no more visuals, acoustics or "thoughts" as mentioned above. I went to my meditation cushion to do some concentration practice. It got SO FUCKING INTENSE, that this intense feeling of sexual energy returned( I actually got sexually aroused on my cushion, but nothing can distract me! ), but like 10x. I realized that I and everyone else can just fucking create energy out of NOTHING. Low self esteem? How stupid, your are already godlike! I remembered @Nahm mentioning how beautiful Leo is and him saying he's just as beautiful as everyone else. I glimpsed what he meant.. . Everyone of us is an entire universe of itself. Look at you. BILLIONS OF CELLS you know nothing about! Later I listened to some music. Every piece of it made me shiver. Never experienced such beauty before! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yRfGG9XxJ3Y Life is meant to be enjoyed. Accept every moment of it as it is. Enjoy it! Life is such a special oppurtunity, live it! Don't let your fears drain the life out of you! Thank you to all of you guys for existing!

@Leo GuraAre you referring only to the insights or also to one's level of awareness and/or lack of ego?

@ArkandeusThanks!