Hotdog

@aurum thank goodness I'm average! I think it is pretty common for things to go stale and for attention to be drawn elsewhere. It's probably quite common for girls to have hangups about sex because of religious or societal influence. Thank you for all your advice! I need to step up and makes some moves more! I'm a sexier way than just saying "do you want to have sex?" Haha!

@aurum when I reflect, when I first started seeing my husband he was a "stranger" and the first 3 months or so I was very sexually active and uninhibited with him, when I felt he didn't know the real me I could be this wild sexual being, plus I felt that's what he would want and of course everything's fresher at the beginning. I fell pregnant 7 months in, I subconscious let this happen because I knew he was a good guy even though having a baby was the last thing on my mind. After this things started to go downhill in the bedroom and the more he got to know me the less I felt I could be the "sexual desirable girl". I think having a baby changed things, then living in a house we didn't like because we couldn't afford somewhere better, I completed a full time masters degree, worked a full time job on condensed hours whilst raising a 1 year old and then got a promotion to a very demanding job. I was so stressed and tense trying to please everyone but my family. So when I did get a night out here and there it would be a complete blow out and I'd drink until I had to be scraped up off the floor. naturally my husband didn't like this and I resented him pointing out some painful truths to me that I needed to get a grip, this made me rebel more and see him as an enemy as opposed to someone that had my interest at heart. And I suppose from feeling at war with him, I'd find the attention from guys and flirting a bit of a rush. I felt he was being boring (a non-drinker, introvert) whereas I craved a bit of fun. Sadly I was running from the truth I needed to change and nights out were just a way of escaping. Getting married had the opposite effect on me to most people, I wanted to rebel even more. It feels so complicated! I can't understand myself sometimes!

@Annie you hit the nail on the head there! My skin problems started a month after I cheated and had been taking the pill for about a month. I think the fact that I was hiding all of it and repressing all common sense and feelings of guilt that my skin broke out! I was also very stressed at work and living in a horrible house, struggling with finances. Obviously everything built up. I do believe that nothing goes away until you have learnt from it, hopefully once I have conquered this issue and make lasting changes about how honest I am and my own love/self care my skin issues will subside! ??

@aurum thank you, I am attracted to my husband, I don't find him repulsive or anything like that. But in general I don't feel attracted (turned on) that much to men or possibly don't allow myself to (unless I'm drunk then everyone is attractive!). I don't have a definate "type" if you get me. My husband has become more attractive since we got married though. I am just so frigid a lot of the time that I'm not in a good mindset for letting those feelings flow over me. I watched Leo's video for women about amazing sex and I want to be all those things, I want to be that way with my husband (how I was when I first met him). Thank you for the suggestion re the exercise, I will try it out!

"Ring the bells that still can ring, forget your perfect offering, there is a crack in everything, that's how the light gets in" Leonard Cohen

@Annie Yes I agree with the "side effect issue" and that I need to learn to live and accept myself, fully, wholeheartedly. My husband doesn't know about the cheating, but he knows that I can be a "nightmare" when I'm out drunk. I had therapy for a while because it all got too much, therapist suggested that I did not tell him, I think she could see that the issue was not him but me, and it wouldn't be helpful to tell him and jeopardise the relationship. Initially I was unsure, but with time I have come to agree that this has been the best decision. I have been able to talk openly with him about hurts from the past and other things I had talked about in therapy. We have talked together about sexual fantasies and also our rules and limits when around opposite sex. A year later we are closer than ever, i do feel like progress is happening and that's why I wanted to post here to see if there were any other suggestions. i still have so much work to do but I am determined to keep facing these issues. I do think that the issues are within and I need to take responsibility in talking them! ??

@Annie that's interesting I actually have a full spinal fusion, I'm not even sure my back could be cracked, but possibly with a fusion I could be blocking energy? we have only been married 1 year and half. I cheated after only 3 months of marriage. Although I had big issues before then (been together 4 years at that point) with being sexually inappropriate on nights out, I was really trying to escape life and my feelings of self loathing. I think intimacy frightens the life out of me, in a weird way sex with a stranger feels safer. I think true intimacy means facing yourself and loving yourself. Maybe that's what scares me the most. Thanks ??

@ajasatya wow thank you, I feel as though you have hit the nail on the head with your response. I am only just starting my journey of personal development. I need to plan healing and face issues from the past. I need to look after myself more. I do not eat well (I have several food intollerences that impact on this), I don't exercise, I don't meditate. And I run from things for a long time. I have made attempts to start the process of facing issues but I haven't committed to it with consistency. I also feel that the stranger I do not know is just another part of me that I need to embrace. thank you ??

Thank you, I will watch these and take on board your considerations. ??

Hello, I'm really wanting a breakthrough in my sex life. I'm a 30 year old married female battling what I feel is sexual dysfunction. I have sex with my husband about once every 2-3 months, we will go long spells without sex but often when we do have sex it will be a few days in a row. Having sex makes me want more sex, but apart from that I have a low libido. I watch porn and masterbate to that 1-2 a month and as soon as I orgasm I have to turn it off and feel ashamed. I feel like I've built this pathway through using porn that has transferred to the bedroom so that once I've orgasmed I cant continue or I am hoping my husband will cum quickly so that it's over. It's not uncommon for me to be tearful after sex and feel a very strong deep sense of shame or uncomfortable emotion. I usually hide this from my husband. However there is this other side to me that was/is sometimes insane (when I let it out or when I'm very drunk). It's like there's this crazy sexually repressed animal inside that is desperate to get out when she can! Unfortunately this has led to me being extremely flirtatious/inappropriate towards men/strangers on nights out and I'm ashamed to admit that I have had an affair with someone I met on a night out. I was sober when it happened and completely inhibited and didn't feel ashamed or the strong emotion afterwards (I didn't organs though). So far I have managed to figure out that a religious upbringing that portrayed sex as bad has impacted me, and I find I am more inhibited when with someone I care deeply about. It's as though I am afraid of true intimacy and can't let go. Yet I can be a crazy wild animal with strangers or on one night stands. any suggestions as to how I can take steps to break through here? I love my husband and I know we have only scratched the surface of what we could be experiencing, I feel incredibly frustrated and guilty. Thanks ??

Hi There! I've been dealing with chronic spontaneous urticaria for 16months as well as swelling issues. I do believe that emotions effect your skin, but I also believe that the issue is likely to be a gut issue, as stress/trauma effects immune system which is largely located in the gut. Mine came on after a very stressful period in my life, but I feel it was a bucket effect, e.g lots of things that added up to bring about this problem. Once the buckets full, things overflow and symptoms show up! May I suggest you look into salicylate sensitivy and FAILSAFE eating. I was told about this by my immunologist and I trailed the diet, I have been able to find my riggers and reduce my antihistamines as a result (I was on 4x recommended dose per day). You say you eat healthy which is great but loads of fruit and veg are very high in salicylate so often what we would think of as helpful (e.g eating healthy veg) can actually make urticaria worse. As soon as I eat anything high in salycilate or preservatives my hives become out of control. Thankfully by adjusting my diet I can control it, along with keeping stress low and sleeping well. I also saw a therapist, one because I wanted to explore the emotional/psychological issues that could have contributed to this, but also because it's such a hard condition to live with and impacts your quality of life, so self care and talking this through has helped me a lot. I wish you all the best on your journey.