Psychonaut

Sex is not an object that becomes more valuable the scarcer it is.

Mastering sexual energy is one of the most challenging energies. Don't be afraid of it. It is unpredictable and it tends to feel like you are being fucked by it instead of you doing the fucking. It makes me do random things, but these random bursts of energy get me laid. Sex is one of those areas that can be explored to whatever depth you desire. It is similar to food in a way. Both are an experience and your level of awareness during the experience determines how much you get from it. You can eat a fastfood microwaved pizza or go for a three course meal with matching wine. Also the amount of flavor and taste you get from food depends on how much you open up to the sensations. Sex is similar in a way that it is an exercise in being fully there and fully feeling the girl. Feeling the entire experience and how everything makes a difference for her. The way she can feel your presence by overwhelming you with the feeling of her welcome and opening up to you. By training yourself through non ejaculatory masturbation you will actually feel more of the sensations. The reason for this is that there is no orgasm. It doesn't exist. You will not orgasm. She can do whatever she wants. She can deep throat you while begging you to cum in her mouth. You will only cum if you want to. If there is no orgasm, there is nothing to look forward to and all you have are the sensations of what you are feeling now. By feeling fully you receive one of the greatest gifts the feminine can give you. It can pull you into the present moment like no other wrecking ball. Having so much control over the orgasm is an intense power. It is Godlike control and that is what she wants too. On a godly level you want her to open up and have her surrender fully so that you can fill her entirely. At the same time you don't loose yourself in her. She trusts that you will be there while she is fully bare spiritually. From time to time you have to let go of some of the energy. There was a month in which I didn't ejaculate but had sex three times. It got the point where I was aware in a dream that I would cum in real life and I stopped the dream. After 3 weeks I had so much energy that my lower back was starting to hurt badly and my penis too. I wanted to release but I didn't trust the girl. I was battling with myself. I thought she was too fat and "undeserving" of me. I realized that she was fully open already and willing to receive. My last girl "rejected" me by not letting me fully penetrate her. She only wanted skin deep sex. In a way it must be scary for the girl, just like a an acid trip. She has to trust me like she has to trust acid when she takes it. My last girl bailed every time I was about to take her over the edge. My new girl is open though. It is beautiful to see. She is beautiful. I can see her and feel her. Having a girl trust you fully is a true gift. The feeling of acceptance and love is indescribable. You are finally free by being pure consciousness and fully present and in control. You are an unshakable rock, she is the ocean bashing against the rock. She is the other side that feels everything and dissolves in the feeling. She is in a state of surrender to feeling while you are just there and aware. Hmmmm, ^^ hope this helps a bit or gives a vision or motivation. If it is not clear I'll welcome questions. I am very interested in sex and trying to go as deep as possible by reading everything I can find.

Let me give me my 2 cents on this. Right from the start I will tell you I have a lot of sexual energy. I used to masturbate like 5 times a day kind of bad. I have tried no-fap, regular sex and non-ejaculatory masturbation. No-fap is easier than balancing sexual energy. For me I gain more from being able to sustain higher amounts of sexual energy without needing to expell it. Releasing becomes a matter of choice. No-fap "extinguished" sexual pleasure after a while for me and then it is lost as an energy to use for growth. Its easier to eat no cookies, than to eat one cookie and then resist eating the second. To me there is value in masturbating even when there is the possibility of sex. At least for me I actually only have and want to have sex once every week or two. So when I masturbate I think of new ways to have sex with my girl and imagine it. It keeps the sexual energy alive and makes me look forward to actually having sex. I also just enjoy the edginess of being horny.

Sex is easier than ever to get and neither a commodity or something for what you have to give up anything.

You guys made me lough.

Okay I'm in on one path. The only one.

But does he offer solutions or just watch as everything unfolds?

Foreplay is all good and shit, but at some point you gotta do something or it will explode and make a mess. You can try the full dose. But it is not really about the dosage. I have micro dosed acid for a few months now. There are instances were a low micro dosed acid trip gave me a very valuable insight that I might have missed on a full trip with all the bells and whistles. A higher dosed micro dose, combined with yoga and some meditation can also be a valuable experience. Acid never took me the full way, so for me personally as long as I gain something that I can change/apply to my life to improve it I am happy.

@AlphaAbundance From my limited experience the feelings of dread, wasting your life are the points that define the existential terror/fear. Sit with it, don't distract yourself, treat it as you would a crying baby.

@Ellenier Thanks for the info. I have been trying to get my hands on some 5-MeO as of lately. Most of it is freebase and I ain't smoking it. So this will come in handy.... Funny how the man's butthole opens up all new worlds. *Hide* *ouuuuuuush* *weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeh*

What I like about the liquid acid is that the whole solution is at the same dosage, so it is predictable. I do the 1 day acid, 2 days off as recommended.

I'm opening this topic because like everywhere in the world I see that people are judging other perspectives. There is always some word or some definition of value that people use to make other perspectives worse. Just stop doing that. On here it is consciousness. "Higher and lower consciousness". As if you had a scale for that. There is not a single perspective that can explain everything. Don't judge other perspectives. Science is a perspective. It can't explain everything. Philosophy is a perspective. Religion is a perspective. Self actualization is also just another perspective. Almost every perspective is here to explain something and I haven't found a single perspective that is perfect. The all have flaws, because they are made up by humans. Humans are flawed that is why all the perspectives are flawed as well. When you get obsessed with one single perspective, you will see that it creates conflict. Most conflicts are just because of differing perspectives. Drop the perspectives and try to enjoy everything. Even if it is a "lower consciousness" activity with your friends.

@Leo Gura It is very interesting to me how different drugs affect different people. I have taken Modafinil basically every day for about 2-3 months and never experienced the strong effects others report. Maybe my dopamine is already so high that Modafinil doesn't work for me. It is also possible that me supplementing Acetyl-L-Tyrosine, CDP-Choline and Acetyl-L-Carnitine somehow interferes with the metabolic pathway or mode of action of Modafinil. However I took Modafinil once without those supplements and got a headache. The headache went away after supplementing. I always thought it was just my pills, but I have given one to a friend and he said that he wrote 6 pages on Modafinil instead of the usual 1.5 pages he was able to write the previous days. He had already planned 2 days for the workload and was super happy complete it in one day and take the next day off. To confirm that it was not the long time usage of Modafinil was the cause of it not working for me I actually took a full 200mg pill today after a few weeks of not using it. I also did not supplement anything, besides drinking a coffee. I felt something in my brain, a pressure, but no additional motivation. I can confirm that it unfortunately does not work for me. I wanted it to work so badly. For me 10ug of micro'd acid has the effect that you describe you get from Modafinil. The first trip on 10ug might be a bit distracting, as the first trip on 20ug will be. But one gets used to it. There is maybe 1-2 hours at the beginning where you might be distracted. So to combat that you just try to do other things like cooking/eating during that time. It works for me, because I usually meditate, cook, eat, shower in the morning. It actually takes me about 2 hours after getting up, before I do real work. I take my liquid acid quite soon after getting up and once the effects wear of a bit I am ready to do my work. For me micro'd acid has profound effects. I cannot express how grateful I am to have found this tool, which isn't just very powerful, but also affordable. Gratefulness Creativity Doing what I am supposed to do, following the plan Being more present when people are around Better mood Compared to regular acid, which I usually take in the 200-600ug range, microdosing may still bring up issues and insights that should be looked at. However it is not as overwhelming as a full trip and for me at least it is usually only one topic. This allows me to actually process it without overloading myself with baggage. I feel micro dosing acid keeps me on track and helps me to continuously improve. Dosages 10ug: This is my standard dosage, on which I am in a better mood and people react positively to me 20ug: This my dosage at the moment for days on which I could do work, but there are no deadlines the next day. On the first 2 hours it is a bit hard to be around people, as there are effects. This dosage is like a mini trip and very different from 10ug. 30ug: I have only done this once and will probably not do it often. This is an actual trip. It is really challenging to be around people. There are mind altering effects. This really feels like a trip, just that it is not that long. I hope this helps you.

When I take handwritten notes they feel more personal. I have found that I am more likely to actually revisit them compared to written notes. My handwritten notes are more of a drawing/sketch than notes. F.e. When Leo talks about balancing two things I will draw a seesaw with the two items.

@dimitri Good work brother from another mother. Keep on chopping down the trees in the forest. Eventually we'll get there.

Spiritual vomit. Like usual on this forum. The body is a powerful tool, better use it.

28 is not old. I wouldn't worry about it. My aunt got married at the age of 35. Once other things have lost their meaning, you might see the value in having children. If not then that is also fine.

Peeerrrrrfect. Now see what happens when you drop the center of the universe from the map.

I'll give you a little history about me to try to lay out my confusion. I used to be a nerd and play computer games all the time when I was in school. I didn't socialize and didn't need to. I had 1 or 2 good friends at the same time and that was enough. I masturbated more and more with porn becoming extremer every year. Eventually I masturbated to the most extreme porn while being high. In a sense I overdid it really hard. It has taken years to reduce the frequency and turn the porn and drug usage down. Recently I have actually gotten the point that I don't watch porn anymore. If I masturbate, I do it without any visual stimulation. It was actually a flatmate that motivated me to quit porn all together. I wanted to be as horny as possible when having sex with her. After a few times of having sex my brain seemed to have switched to sex mode and porn makes no sense anymore. It is as if the possibility of masturbating to it is gone. It is just not an option anymore. I have changed a lot since I have been a part of actualized.org. I do sport, I am well built and lean. I am more charismatic and playful. When I go into a club I dance to loose myself completely. I go full out and don't care about anyone or anything. I try to let the music completely fill me. This also has the side effect that I don't care about women. In fact my style of dancing doesn't allow for another person to be in it. It is almost as if I am enjoying being alone too much. It is easier, much much easier if I don't care. In a way I prefer how music makes me feel to how a woman makes me feel. I don't drink much in the club, so I notice when girls look at me and smile. I also notice when they come closer to dance with me. I know that they wanted to dance when they leave disappointed and try to get away from me because I ignore them. I get the impression that it feels like a rejection to a girl if she feels that I look at her with interest, but don't engage. I never had to do anything to get the girls I had sex with. Never had to approach. I never cared enough to do so. On the other hand I wonder if my attitude would change once I started to approach. Once I get a positive experience my mind might switch to approach mode more often. Just like it switched from masturbation/porn mode to sex mode. I was in the club yesterday and this girl looks at me multiple times and comes closer. I say hi and eventually get her name. She was good looking, but I still left. I didn't really want to engage. I don't know and its probably difficult to tell from what I have written. I am not sure if I am doing the right thing or if I am bullshitting myself. I am the type of person that waits and waits and waits. When I do martial arts I seldomly attack. I react to the opponent and when he hits me too hard I start moving and attacking. If I don't have to do something, I wait until I have to or the pain of resisting has become unbearable. It is a similar situation with girls. I notice that there is interest and all I need to do is open my mouth or turn towards her when dancing. I don't. In a sense I am a bit confused in which direction I want to go. I have read many books on sexuality and now I don't know anymore: If I follow Alan Roger Currie, I would approach more girls I am attracted in order to have more casual sex with girls. Then there is Rollo Tomassi and the "rational male". Have sex with many women and don't engage in exclusive relationships. There is no special girl. -> I am not sure what to make of this tbh. If I listen to David Deida I would go for a long term relationship. I could potentially attend more yoga/spiritual events to meet more girls that are more open. On the other end there is "Cupid's Poisoned Arrow", which advocates gentle sex without orgasm. I would love to have a girl to try that with, as I enjoy being intimate, the buildup, foreplay and cuddling more than the orgasm. So the current state of my attitude towards sex is: I don't care about the orgasm. I enjoy the intimate connection, touching and so forth. I only want to orgasm with a girl I care about. For me random girls would be a waste of energy. A few months ago I made a "soulmate wishlist". It includes traits like being open, curious, strong feminine core, being interested in me, interested in music, keeping me on edge and creativity. A club might not be the best location to find such a girl. I hope that someone can at least give me some ideas/advice to help me decide in which direction I should invest my energy

I don't know what it is. I am in a club right now, again,.... I believe that women are trash. I continue to reject girls. It's extremely obvious. It is so extreme that I will turn my back towards them until they leave on the dancefloor. It is like something sick inside me is saying "not good enough". A girl has to basically beg me for sex. I want her to beg me, it turns me on more than she does. Most girls don't turn me on visually. I'm not gay either. I would never let a guy dominate me. I don't know what the issue is. I know I don't trust girls because they have no backbone or integrity. I prefer trustable sources of feminine energy, like music or food. Stuff that doesn't abandon me like a dog. A dog will always love me, a women not. I don't want her. The other thing is that I might have an extremely inflated ego, to the point of being narcissistic. I am very good at many things. I can dance, I can cook, I own my shadow, I am comfortable in hell and heaven, im fit to the point that I feel I look better than most girls naked, I know a lot about topics that interest me, I am open minded, it's almost impossible to upset me or control my emotions. I basically feel like I am better at everything than any girl. Maybe I should go get some help. I just don't know what the issue is. It is so easy to replace female energy, that the motivation to invest into girls is really nonexistent.

"Vaping has been scientifically proven to make you gay."

Brain Daggers What is it, what is real and true, When all I feel and am is you. Or more, it is the lack of you. An unreal split back into two. It is not real, I know it deep down, But it feels so real, I lie facedown. In the hole I have dug, I will drown. My soul weeps, I finally break down. It keeps repeating over and over. My heart is hit and bleeds from exposure. I wanted to show her how to go there, Now its fleeting away going nowhere. 31.1.2019, Version 2

I like that you rhymed a bit. Those lines are my favorite. They have a bit of imagery.

Yeah having sex when the girl doesn't really want it in my experience was never great. How often do you have Sex? Maybe you just have it too often and aren't really horny? I have found that I only "really" want sex about once every one to two weeks.

I think the difference between me and you is that I mainly go to the club to have fun and dance. I don't dance to get in a good mood to approach girls. I dance because it's very enjoyable and I can let go. I am getting more into the habit of talking to random people and most of the time I have positive reactions and interesting conversations. I only do it when I feel like I want to say/ask something. But that is better than nothing. At least I don't have to deal with the pain of "what if" that much anymore. My previous relationships were explosive and short lived. They were initiated by the girl and not me.After a while they realized that I truly didn't care about them or anything else. That was usually the end and the start of playing games on their part, which has no real effect on me. Eventually I ignored them. It's sad to what measures they sometimes go to get a reaction, even if they hurt themselves. I am not 100% sure what I want yet. I have made a list of qualities I am looking for in a girl. The previous ones didn't fit any of the items on the list. I should stop looking past those flaws, instead of being blinded by the "someone likes me feeling".