Psychonaut

I was somewhat psychotic, but instead of supporting me and maybe just asking some questions she just took me to the psych ward.

She is now my ex girlfriend. She is moving out of my flat tomorrow and I will never see or talk to her again.

Yep. They actually ended up torturing me for 5 days in a closed cell from hell. Literally a room with a stainless steel toilet and a bed that was designed to pull heat from my body. They took everything from me, including my watch so I completely lost track of time, didn't eat anything and barely drank any water. It was quite the experience. To top it off I got a letter from the judge that I have "god complexes" and exhibit "religious compulsions". In my eyes they beat me down to stage BEIGE, but I didn't break and I never was openly aggressive to the staff, so their hands were tied. 2000 people died during 1933-1945 in this facility when the Nazis were doing tests on the patients. Nothing has changed since then, the room is the same... Would not recommend anyone Stage YELLOW or above to go to a psych ward. We are far too kind and nice to these people that don't even understand their own system.

I have noticed that music is ever present for me. Especially in hard times, when I am very happy or very sad, when I am tripping and when I am sharing a moment in time with friends. It might sound cringe, but to me music is a universal language, that can evoke emotions in humans, no matter the culture, language, gender or other factor that can be used to divide up humans. The place that a certain type of music takes me to is similar for me and I believe it takes others in the same direction. The hard part is letting go and letting the music do its thing. Music is one of the few things that I can fully let myself go in and blank out everyone around me. When I let go, my body dances and I let it do its thing and don't care about anyone judging me. It is truly beautiful. I am getting a bit concerned to how dependent I am on music for emotional stability and I feel like I am having trouble letting go of it.

It is interesting how everyone reacts so differently to psychedelics. I personally never felt the urge to masturbate on molly or have sex. I just felt an overwhelming love for myself and didn't need any additional loving. Weed on the other hand can make me horny AF. Acid is nice too.

I have jerked off on 5-MeO-DMT many times. I enjoyed it a lot, but its hard to come and my heart rate got critically high when I did. Maybe it just felt really intense and I just imagined that my heart was about to explode out of my chest.... Sex I think would be too "complicated" and risky. It could go very badly if your partner does something you don't like or is not compliant.

We have a family friend in South Africa who has a 7 year old autistic child called Tristan. If you know anything about South Africa or Africa in general, you will know that these countries are pure survival of the fittest and the weak have no chance. The weak get robbed or killed with no regard for their life and their weakness gets taken advantage of. Being able to not rob a weak person is a luxury that hungry and desperate people living in pure survival mode do not have. I don't want to trash South Africa too much - I love the country - but I am trying to paint a picture for the people that have no idea what living in Africa feels like. It is harsh and I am thankful every day that I was born in Germany. Tristan has caretakers that take care of him at my friends house and he doesn't leave it very often or at all. He is non-verbal, wears diapers, the doctors have given up on behavioral therapy, music therapy and all the therapies that are usually done are not available. A proper multi-modal therapy like in the west is not possible, drugs are given, but effects cannot be monitored by EEG. It takes months to "evaluate" if the drug helped or not - as the doctors are just "randomly" trying stuff. This is a country if you are sick you are dead and I have had two family members that died 10-20 years earlier just because they lived in SA. I don't want another case. I have been raking my brain trying to think of ways to help Tristan get out of this situation and get him the care he requires. So far I have read half of the "A Symphony in the brain" book that is on Leo's booklist and my friend has actually reached out to a Neurofeedback practitioner nearby. The more I think about it, the more I feel like Tristan needs to get out of the country and into a country in Europe. But my friend doesn't have enough money and the currency is so weak that only very rich people can emigrate. The rest is stuck there for their entire life with no hope of anything getting any better.

Never forget the good old days of GPT4 with web access. It was glorious but so short lived.

Probably. I prefer masturbating to porn over having sex with my girlfriend.

@digitalkaine Good stuff! Keep soldiering on :-)

I am sorry if I was not clear. What I meant was the difference between the level of consciousness of an animal and the level of consciousness that a human can reach. That will most likely be the minimum difference between us as humans and aliens. There might as well be thousands, hundreds of thousands or even millions of years of difference in consciousness. I don't even know how much humans can be "upgraded". Some systems can't be upgraded, but need to be built new from scratch.

I feel like aliens would see our level of consciousness like we see the consciousness of animals and be as worried that we will be able to understand their technology as we are about a lion learning to use an AK47. Maybe we can learn something, but imo it would be best to go die and hope to be reborn as an alien, lol.

This is a very interesting video to watch.

I scrolled through the book a bit and it seems like Kriya Yoga gets really complicated after some time. Seems like a classic case of heavy over-engineering that it would require a big time and energy investment. Not sure if maybe something simpler might get the majority of the results or just psychedelics.

Why you need both editions?

I pretty much only enjoy high quality stuff with a really nice setting, beautiful people and an artsy overall feel. Sex and masturbation is like fireworks in the brain. I have found that I can use masturbation / sex as a very powerful motivator. So after a good day of work it can be a very strong reward and empowering. And if I am not done yet, then I have to just continue working hehe. When I feel like I have deserved it, it feels really good. It goes the other way for me too, so when I am depressed I use it as a way to make me feel better and it pulls me down further and further. It feels a little bit like playing with fire.

I was into Kriya Yoga a few years ago and completely forget about it.... So just get "Kriya Secrets Revealed" and start fresh?

One of my biggest fears is that I will embark on an act so deeply regrettable that it results in my complete alienation and exclusion from those I once held dear.

So I am in a real rut right now. There are lots of things going on; most of these just need a little bit of time every day, and eventually, they will be done. However, my outlook on life is not very good and even if I manage to get started I always suffer setbacks and eventually do nothing. I have found that my outlook and my default mode of "negative visualization" is one of the main things bringing me down. I didn't reach this conclusion through mediation but by taking Molly. I have found that about 150mg puts me in a very positive headspace, it makes me think about myself in a much gentler/loving/understanding way and lets me deal with past traumatic events in a way that I can reframe them or think about them in a more constructive way. So to integrate this into my daily routine I have started to devote a majority of my meditation time to positive visualization. Basically just visualizing my successes and the person that I think I can become. I have found that the trips have been generally positive, while on other substances they can go both ways. I have tried a lot of other stuff with only limited success (LSD, shrooms, 5-meo, DPT, DMT, 2-CB). Now I have read though that Molly should be taken with great care and I haven't seen many people use it for self-help. What would be a good procedure to minimize its negative effects and how long should the rest times between trips be (2/3/4 weeks)?

@xxxx I am really enjoying the Midnight Gospel. It gives me the fuzzy feeling of listening to a podcast.

I always felt good after watching Avatar even though it deals with war and stuff like that. A warm fuzzy child like feeling of lightness. Most TV shows make me feel bad, especially the newer ones and most of the shows with real actors. Cartoons seem to be less loaded and lighter. Are there any other "positive" and light TV shows?

I feel a bit disillusioned atm. I have had a girlfriend for almost 2 years now. It is my first girl. Especially during the Covid pandemic and a lot of things being closed I have really asked myself what makes up a good relationship? What is the point actually? When all the bars and restaurants are closed. Swimming pools, billiard and castles and places to go to are closed. What is one supposed to do together? When it is cold outside and all one wants to do is stay inside. What can you do together? Cook, eat, watch movies and then? How can one not get sick off each other? What to do against the bore? What to do about the fact that after some time off knowing the person they become predictable. Everything moves on and new things are invented. Yet people stay the same mostly. Everything else just seems so much more interesting than people. I am creative inventor/tinkerer type of person. With my two 3d printers and CNC mill I constantly create things. What I do in my free time is mostly just a lot more interesting than any person can ever be. If there is a girl, fine. If there is no girl, fine too. It is often just that one can't be honest about not really caring about her. Any girl in fact actually. I don't believe there could be any girl that will prove me wrong on this. However, what is really weird is that I have a dog which lives with my parents atm. What I feel towards him is probably what comes most close to what "true love" is supposed to feel like. I would be devastated if something happened to him. When he wees on the floor I just wipe it up without making a scene about it. I make sure he is happy and pay attention to him, stroke him. I don't know what is keeping me back from feeling that towards a human. Romantic love is a different kind of love for sure. It is possessive, messy and I am not sure I am really interested in it in the first place. I am sick of having to act. It could be any person together with me. Sure it feels nice to cuddle. Sure it feels nice to have sex. Sure it feels nice to have someone care about one. In the end it is just an act. No one person is better than the other. They are just different. I am sick of having to play the "this is my girlfriend and she is a special person and I have to treat her differently/better than the other people" -game.

I'd be happy. Then I wouldn't have to think about all the other people that will be inside of her after me. I might be sad at the same time. Just how I am sad about every memory that has passed and every song that I have previously listened to when that memory happened. On top of all of this she is still using Tinder. Pretty actively actually. She opens it multiple times a week. I just feel like I am in a movie and the person I see is not the actual person. This whole thing is a lie that has been dragged out far too long. It is just because it feels nice to have someone around and it doesn't matter who. It could be a dog. Someone is better than no one and I am just far too lazy and don't give a crap to actually go out and meet someone new. Just like everyone in every flipping relationship I have ever observed. A huge lie. To me it feels like I am the Joker in the Joker movie, or Trump after the election. I have a completely different view and then there is a moment in which my entire world crashes. It is revealed as completely fabricated by me. I made it and formed it in a way that suits me. It feels like I am dying. Because when I die my unique worldview is gone forever. Only I see the world through my eyes in the unique way that I see it. When a part of my worldview is revealed as false, a part of me dies. What I believe to be true is completely arbitrary. I could live in a world that has nothing to do with anyone else's world. Anyone and everyone that challenges it will be disproven. This is a lonely place and a powerful place. I am independent. Yet I am back at the same location. I am just sitting here, floating in space, observing. I loose myself in a body, loose myself in a project, attach myself to outcomes and goals. Just so that I can die a little every time something doesn't work. Or I live and survive. I beat the odds and spread my wings to sail across the chasm. Who knows. Gotta stay alive long enough to see what happens.

I can feel it. It is coming closer. I have seen it in my own eyes. Nothing is starring back. Empty eyes. The frequency is increasing. Once every blue moon, became once every two weeks and has become every week. I try to express my pain, I try to let it out. People don't take it serious. I tell them I have seen red. I have starred at my arms and have already felt the blood gushing out. The great relief of being let go in peace. I sabotage myself. I stab myself psychologically. I create false realities in which I am unloved just to torture myself. I get pleasure from inflicting pain, even though it is hard to see. It is not by accident. It is on purpose. This whole text is just a fiction of my own making. Just to get attention. I know it is not real. I have been at the point were I could have let go of my body. I never have because I am being kept here. I just want to leave this place. It bores me deeply down inside of me. Why can't I leave and be free? Please let me go. On the one hand my life is too good to be true. I am happy most of the time. As soon as something opposes my reality it crashes. The whole thing falls apart. It is so fragile it can fall like a house of cards. On the other hand I am extremely calm. I stare down a hole with no end. A never ending fall. I am in terror I might land on the bottom of a pit. However I will fall forever. I will let go. I as in my highest energy will always love myself. I will not give up on myself even though I fight myself. What if the next time I go through this I stop at the 2nd paragraph?

I feel really bad. I have been feeling really bad for a while now. I wrote the following text yesterday. I just read it and I don't know. The problem is that I believe it. At least partially. If I break up with my girlfriend I will most likely fully believe it. I have been together with my girl for about 1.5 years now. Then I went back in my diary and I found this writing which I wrote about a year ago. My girlfriend found it, but I told her that was not the way I felt about her. And then there is this from February this year. I just feel like its one common thread throughout these writings. I can't believe I am that person, but it keeps coming back in my writing over and over again. I honestly also don't feel like people understand what I feel even though it is written here in plain text. All these texts felt real to me in the moment I wrote them. I can't read any of them without crying. They are specifically written in a way that they hurt myself, because they 'could' be true.