Psychonaut

What da fuck

Im in my early twenties and never had a girlfriend or sex with one. There was an urge to get a gf but it never really was a priority. After all I could always watch porn and masturbate. Then I realised how damaging masturbation is and quit it almost 7 weeks ago. I was hoping that would make me go out and get a girlfriend. Well my sexual desire is going down even more. Quitting masturbation made it a lot easier to meditate and pursue enlightenment. I really don't feel like I need someone else to make me happier. I'm extremely happy as it is. I just feel that the further I progress towards liberation the harder it is going to be to find someone. It is already getting difficult to talk to girls, because some of them are so attached to their ego it hurts me. I would like to help them, but I know there is nothing I can do. I also don't really feel like brushing up their hurt ego every day. Sometimes I have to suppress laughing because the things they say are so mindbogingly stupid. Its no wonder they are unhappy and need a man to somehow fill all the gaping holes in their ego. This all sounds like I don't give a shit about girls and in fact I don't. I don't care for all the stories in their minds, all the things they believe themselves to be. Just as I don't really care about all the stories my mind makes up all the time. I do care about the underlying person, not the illusion of the ego. I went on this journey to improve myself and make myself happier. I'm making some progress and there are girls interested just because I'm happy and a mystery to them. It's just funny how now I'm like "meh whatever I don't really need this". Maybe my mind is just making up another story. That would be funny. I don't know, I really don't.

The reason for my post was actually a girl that I really liked and that was really interested in me. She wasn't that hot but I still was attracted to her because she was different. Initially I was just being nice to her, a few days in we started kissing and making out. A week later we ended up having sex. I was disappointed. This was the first time I had sex. I kinda thought sex is gonna be better. I didn't want to have sex with her again. She wasn't really confident in her sexuality at all. I knew she could most likely never satisfy me sexually. I still talk to her almost every day. But she can't handle me. I was afraid that I was going to hurt her. I know it is not me that is hurting her. It is her own mind hurting herself. Yesterday she asked me what is wrong with me. Why I changed completely. She got really upset at me today. Was almost crying. She asked me if I had any feelings at all. If I was just supressing them. If I was too afraid of showing my feelings. She is getting really annoyed at me being what she calls "zenlike". What initially attracted her is pissing her of more and more. I also made the mistake of telling her what I think about and self actualization stuff. Initially she though it is entertaining and interesting. I'm beginning to realize that she only understood a fraction of what I told her. Now she thinks about things even more and it gets in her head even more. There were lots of oppurtunities to maintain the character I was initially playing or change to another one and maintaining that. I knew this girl is really emotional and in someway in need for emotional comfort/stability. I could have continued playing a character satisfying those needs. But I didn't feel like it. For who would I do that? Definitely not for me and in the long run it wouldn't serve her either. I still gained a lot of insight from this endevaour and don't regret it in any way.

Quick question: Why do you believe that you need this? This seems like a ton of additional stuff which is probably not cheap either.

I feel like I have gained so much from psychedelics. Especially Acid. Had egoloss experiences on it. Made the biggest life changing decisions on acid. Like going vegetarian, starting to meditate and stop masturbating. All changes that persisted long after the trip. I feel like I still could grow from using psychedelics. Gives me time to contemplate and reflect on what I'm doing with a clear mindset. But on my last trip I actually got the feeling that I should stop using any kinds of drugs. It was after an ego loss experience when my mind was starting to torture me. Almost unbearable emotional pain. I then got the feeling that I should just drop it. But it's hard. Out of all activities I could do I see psychedelics as the one with the highest potential for growth.

I'm trying to not beat myself up for needing external substances to progress. But oh well. Whatever bahahahaha. Better to progress somehow then to stagnate. Tried microsdosing today. What am I supposed to say. I had difficulty meditating. I guess. Ended up just laughing all afternoon long. It brought up something that I had been suppressing for a very long time. I didn't even know that it was still lingering around. I thought I had gotten over it. But there it was again. After closer examination and initially being really scared I proceeded to do the only sensibly thing. Forgive myself and laughing. It is starting to really hurt from all the laughter. But oh well. Whatever. Still laughing.

@ChimpBrain I'll experiment with microdosing a bit. Last times I tried really low doses I felt like it was not worthwhile. But I also didn't try to meditate. The one unpleasant experience was on 600ug and was really tired and couldn't sleep... @ArabiaNytes Define risk. Risk can be to health, being found out or risk of things going wrong etc.

No, I don't really want to use acid as a booster during the week. @ArabiaNytes Only had shrooms once, got stomach pain, feels like it's too harsh on the body and more expensive than acid.

From looking at some 4s camera test videos on YouTube the quality seems pretty good. Just make sure to give the camera as much light as possible, or just go outside somewhere. Remember to have fun ?

Most phones nowadays shoot pretty good videos. Just need to mount it somehow. Can even go full ghetto and ducttape the phone to something lol.

Go to a psychotherapist.

I have been meditating since January. Started with 10-15 minutes and quickly ramped it up to an hour. I had the time and still have. But to me it feels like I waste too much time while meditating in which I'm actually not meditating. Because I know that I have so much time I sometimes spend half of it just sitting there and thinking about stuff. I'm sitting there eyes closed, but I'm not meditating. I'm not sure if it may be better to reduce the time and try to meditate for the full duration. Once that has become easy ramp it up slowly so that I can meditate for the full duration.

@Isle of View thanks so much for that book recommendation ?. Still having quite some trouble cultivating mindfulness during the day. I get lost so often. Starring at my cup while the milk is mixing with the tea. Stopping to observe a bird and marveling at how beautiful and magnificent it is. It just being there doing whatever a bird has to do. Just randomly dancing to music at the cafeteria at work. Haha haha Most people think I'm kind of "odd". It's getting to a point where I feel like I completely lost it. It's just gone. Today I was talking to 2 girls at work. The one was talking about how her mother says she is fat and how afraid she is that others judge her. How she thinks she is boring and non deserving of a random guy from a tv show. "He won't even look at me". When in fact she is really funny, interesting and cute and absolutely not fat whatsoever. 10 minutes later after thinking about what she had said I could hardly resist laughing. I realised how outrageous it was. Its just that people hold on so hard on to this picture of themselves. The picture is so unbelievably distorted that I can't do anything else but laugh. The whole day I was cracking up at random things and not able to do any meaningful work whatsoever. I avoided my supervisor and any meaningful people as not to offend them by randomly laughing. It's not just that I laugh at others, I also laugh about myself a lot. One day I got really upset about something someone said and spent a few hours being a bit sad. The next day after thinking about the previous day I just started laughing at how dumb it was to get upset over nothing. Most of the time I'm happy, sometimes it feels like I'm on some kind of drugs flying up in the sky somewhere. Quite a few people are starting to ask questions. Why are you so happy all the time? What is your secret? I should cut off a slice from you. What drugs do you take? I just don't know what to say. It's not like I can tell them the truth. I also feel like I have to be really careful when talking to other people as not to offend them. The truth is just to harsh. No one with a "normal" mindset will be able to handle it. I know this is just a passing phase, but it's pretty enjoyable. In fact I'm happier then I have been on any kind of drug before. The high is just so magnificently clean. It is unbelievable that just being can be so much fun.

It's not enlightenment if both the ego and the consciousness die at the same time. The consciousness has to persist while the ego dies.

Everything depends on how you do it and what it serves you. If you are mindful you can observe when the urge to masturbate arises and what caused it. After this investigation you can decide if you still want to do it. If you are mindful you will get the answer at some stage, so don't worry. I used it as a tool to release tension and stress accumulated during the day. So I let go of it.

@Falk Things I did wrong on my first float (don't repeat) Forgot to switch of mobile (had to get out of the tank and switch it off after 30 min) Didn't eat. Was hungry in the tank... Listened to music on the way there.. the music was still playing in my head for the duration of the float My second float was amazing, very cleansing and relaxing.

There will always be resistance. Don't be surprised it is always present when you change. If the resistance is not felt inside of you then some external resistance will be there. Don't be surprised if there is resistance rather expect it as a byproduct of change. If no resistance is felt then you might not be changing enough.

@Isle of View I try not to think, eg. clear/cleanse my mind. Haven't thought about the difference of thinking about nothing and trying not to think... Sometimes I also breath in slow and deeply and concentrate on that. But I have really not spend that much time thinking about techniques. In the end I wanted to try to think less, didn't I? That book looks promising. I'll check it out.

Thanks @Henri I'll probably do 20 min in the morning and during lunch break. A friend of mine does 20 minutes 2 times a day and I meditated 20 minutes with him yesterday. Was no problem. As to technique. I close my eyes, try to sit upright on a chair, not move and think about nothing.

That's not a bad idea. We could have like a google hangout and just talk with other people. That might be a fun weekly thing.

Men need time to think about issues. Think it through completely. In this time it's best to leave them alone. When they are done they will let you know. Most men don't want to talk about it at this stage. Men solve issues by thinking about it, women by talking about it.

I literally listen to music 24/7. I listen to it when I study, when I read a book and when I do work. Basically during every activity. I used to also listen to music on headphones when I was outside. But I stopped because I noticed that it detaches me from reality. When I turn of the music at home I instantly have a feeling that something is missing. I can get feelings of loneliness, because it is literally just me sitting at my desk doing whatever. Music gives me the impression that there is another presence, not a person, but maybe that I'm not alone in my room. I switched of my music just now and I have to fight the urge to switch it back on.

About a month ago I discovered I really like dancing. It's kind of funny to just randomly start dancing on the street or at work. It's really weird. Music kind of just kicks me into a happy mode and after a while it kicks into don't care. If I let go and just let my body move to the music I dance. I don't have to do anything it kind of just flows. I really don't know why music has such an enormous impact on my mood. Whenever I hear music somewhere out on the street I can't resist to at least start nodding my head while others are completely unaffected.

Nothing Nothing Nothing Nothing Finally nothing

I have stopped for almost a month now. I'll continue to abstain from it. For me it has become easy, I hardly think about Sex at all. It is less on my mind than when I was masturbating frequently. I also don't day phantasize about Sex anymore. Previously I would imagine how a girl would look when she is naked and I could undress them in my mind with no effort. All this has stopped and I have lots more free time. I used to spend lots of time searching for porn and masturbating every day. Seeing how this didn't help me whatsoever and was actually damaging I am very thankful and glad I stopped.