ValiantSalvatore

I'll break my silence a month approx earlier. as I am not using my success journal anymore, when I consider that level of depth that I am getting it's not good for me I unconsciously scurry around stuff and to be very percise, I'd often had to say. I miss a connection to god, the invinite, profound surrender, a connection to allah, whatever a supreme idenity etc. These are all different terms, I struggle with my value for self-expression and strategic planning and journaling has been a way to console and digest my mental health a bit more effectively, it was something I yearned for when I was a teenager and a kid, a way to express myself without judgement and feeling rules. I just never knew personal development existed. The success journal is a bit to exhausting and I don't feel I have as much control of my life, as when I can type at a place like this and take care of my needs that way. I currently also have an ambivalent relationship to the stage orange performance and meritocraty drive, and I generally miss more TIER 2 self-reflections, even if these authors call these self-generated power questions, power questions a fundamentally and deep down I know what it takes, so I better maintain my current level of mental health and this is a place where I drew more power from, than I thought. I seriously have to re-consider this and this generally also helps with leadership abillities and pushing myself and challenging myself, especially when I don't want to. After the death and the tedious process of my grandma and generally just embracing stage orange more after learning about SD, I don't even know anymore what is burn-out and burn on, it's often just where can I maintain balance & post my meditation sessions and shadow work sessions, I am a bit tired of doing it alone and not feeling seen, even if that is a feminine&yin drive possibly or just human. I definitely crave positive attention and tbh, even the negative can be fun at times. It feels better than to constantly give others attention from a neutral and value providing place, also the level of depth I get from my meditation sessions and then working here helps me to deal with the good side of my ego, or let's say the good part of my ego. The shadow side is from me is absolute domination in the sense of not giving other choices. I also can reflect my readings that way, and I am generally not as stressed as well as I might be able to post from work and just think about ideas, and give others inspiration. I'll work for 1h my new setup is basically there, I also miss again the connection to America, my father is such a pussy he deleted me from Facebook, my mother told me she thinks he is a weak man, considering his upbringing and how stupid that guy is I don't know what to feel anymore, it's more like I miss the godlike connection to yang energy, as I completely dismissed this fool, yet some impacts are there in behaviour that I just won't notice do to the ueber feminine influence of my family and the bitter nagging energy against men etc. Made it difficult to enjoy divine masculinity. I often also cringe at notions of king & queen, it's a super black marketing segment, I really resonate only with god-like omnipotent energy. My parents generally deny their toxicity, yet help a lot with their doing, my mother changed also a lot in is generally a stable person & fun person to be around, she is just fking lazy about skill improvement due to the level of rigidity and immense level of frustration and contraction and she is prone to anger and denies it. I don't have and had the luxury of this projection benefit, as soon as you have a tiny bit of color on your face, people will smear that into your face. A bit of other stuff, a new friend of mine recommended me to read nietzche which I thought was odd, and something about power, I generally resonate with the energy, yet never with the ideaology of it, he seemed the first one normal to recommend it. Spoilers I will not read it. The engineering stuff & truth are for me an interesting connection currently A lot of girls deleted me and I notice the hinderances of German materalism, they basically all would go for you if you have the potential to provide house & kids or are an absolute murderous degenerate, everything inbetween is boring & average. I'll use the journal to contemplate meditative, psychdelic & other journeys I prefer stuff in real-time and some reflections I ask my self very often This also generally helped me a lot more when I was alone to deal with the toxicity of this and also I'd like to write unfiltered about my unique dating experience, and subtle impressions etc. Clarity, will be a value that I won't share it's a quality I develop my beign, it's also one of my strength to develop sensory clarity, I just notice that many are not very grateful for this quality and I notice I can work on my gratitude journaling, especially in the morning. The more I trip I can also the the level of depth of a human beign, I've never meet anyone as deep online as Shinzen, maybe Sadghuru my last trip also showed me this, even if others went deeper there is no use and my survival concerns and a more balanced enlightenment is simply a better option - starting from Teal upward! About Dating: The last 7 months, I dated approx. 7 girls so many deleted me online as I did not response and sort of relished in the rather weak abundance, I notice through gratitude I have more of it, yet I did not practice that the last couple of months. I am also massively slacking of with work and I sort of have to distract myself otherwise my inner perfectionist will kill me, I notice also the more imperfect I act the more perfection I generate. Girl_7 half black girl from Bumble, she was half Ukranian and I confused am with pm again, as they sort of hone into this expected American vibe and I am very German even if you don't notice, so it does not make sense I think am & pm are stupid terms just call it 12:00 and 24:00 and there is no issue...., anyway she did not show up for the date. It was a coffee date low pressure etc. It made me question my value as a guy as I derived a lot of value from my strength and physicality which has been reduced, yet still is certainly above average. Girl_6 flaked on the date and deleted me liberal black girl from Bumble, overall Bumble has the worst experience so far in terms of actually meeting, Tinder I don't even get matches. Girl_5 I went on a date did not escalate as I did not feel like it super date, super girl high quality beyond the average platitudes, absolutely horrible music taste, yet I did not tell her that and was curious if I could enjoy it seriously, I can I still think music like reggeaton and reggae are absolutely horrible. To rhytmic absolutely no harmony and super superficial. We are friends currently and I am shooting for gathering people to go out and have fun more. About Work: I was a bit lazy and fearful, yet generally speaking everything is good, what is lacking is clarity which I am automatically gaining my asking questions, the value of clarity I notice can also burn me out, it has to come from beauty for me, I enjoy beauty and the beauty energy of girls also a lot. What bothers me about the work place is what they created to become rich, yet I doubt there is any company that is not dirty and they don't really hide it, it's just they make money of the idiocy and luck of others, because they build systems for lottery agencies, yet I am not working on any of this, generally still very art oriented & avant-garde type direction and vibe of the company. I can learn a lot what bothers me again is the level of beign alone, so I am heading to the office, and how green my office is I can't bear it at times, it makes me want to be very vulnerable and that can even be to much for greens I've meet and they regress. The people in A.I till now all seem more second tier, till the orange cravings come out etc. I have to see as I seem "powerful" to others how to deal with that, yet I am already hacked by Wilber, so it does not really work, as there are constant power imbalances minor&larger ones.... The other larger projects are for health insurances and the german criminal police etc. So there is definitely some conscious stuff, yet I notice some patterns difficult to describe due to mastery & consciouness. About Actualized.org: I never really knew what to think of it as a baseline of respect and dignity was often missing and I see that daily almost in different forms. Now it's better and more respectful, and I hope Leo holds his word more often, and if something is not working or an issue clearly explains this, I will not bother in the future anymore with this type of attitude I have an issue with it due to having grown up with mostly women in my family and it was not seen as something big, so I do that differently & I have to see how to be more intentional with my words, I don't energetically follow through as I saw my mother often break etc. At tiny the most tiny fking instances of these promises and word keeping and I don't know, yet how to deal with this shadow wise. These are mostly energetic imprints or "samskaras" I am also to good to get into contact with that, that I often yearn to surrender my entire existence which is a bit to much to get into, I'd have to do this when I am more financially stable "even more". To use the work, what bothers me also is the immense language of Leo & gaslighting terms & seeing the PUA scence bring out the worst type of shadows and resentments in me, it's also an issue abot controlling. These are larger and smaller issues, I generally am quiet positive to Leo's progress etc. Also that here are many people with serious mental issue is at times bothering, yet it is what it is. Also my father barely could keep his words and often made this hopes and intentions, yet he is such a bitch ass I can't believe it at times. I can't respect a guy who smokes cigarettes and drinks alcohol to much. What my mother was hiding from me about him shocked me, I grew up extremely liberal and innocent. It's a serious issue especialy moderntiy can be an issue, yet it's the center of gravity. I also am 100% convinced that Leo is wrong with psychdelics to his abstinence of practice I can't really take what he does seriously anymore it absolutely lacks honesty and integrity from my pov, I knew that health issues could be a problem, yet to not honestly communicate that made me fundamentally loose a lot of trust in him. I often have to openly speak about my health condition, and it for me is an immense sign of weakness to not communicate this, I am sorry I don't like this as it creates issue in my process of awakening etc. I see to others real teachers who done the same and jumped of psychdelics also the issue of him not beign fully healthy distorts the realistic process for others... I don't blame him I lost trust and I am disappointed in him, I expect more honesty from him and he often does not realize how immense his impact is imo. I also feel he lost touch with how reality is like for people who are working and creates this pity-party energy at times, instead of fostering mastery causes a lot of dejective type of vibes.... This is what I notice personally, from beign here since 2016/2017. This insincere attitude and I notice this is similar to the "bitch face of my father" and the subtle toxic conservatism etc. He does not realize what mindviruses these people have at times who work for the goverment or police utter purity & clarity is not possible. Being more realistic with myself and honest I noticed this, yet here I am because I know how better & more chill policing truely is thanks to Germany, and how important even more important cyberintelligence is, also cannabis is soon legal here, so that is progress for the folk etc... on a deep fundamental level also etc. etc. About My LP: Utterly disconnected to much change consistently to much improvement, I'd have to nuture my connection towards god & visualize sparsely and do this unified practice nothing else really works. Also the issue of pride & other constant insight I've gathered through audiobooks and beign here & western social apathy besides at 8pm at night and when alone with a person is also dangerous, anyway dude I forget how much progress I legit made through all of this I just took stream entry on the backburner. As well as by reflecting for example like this for 1h, this is sort of my entrepreneurial journal spirit, and testing billions of options. I applied for coaching now etc. About My Projects: I'll make some different things, yet right now I am just happy when I can follow through on duties & commitment without convulsing internally. I had to start & stop multiple projects. Right now I work with what the company offers me & gain experience this is parents advice that stems from wisdom function. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I'll be meditating now and then I will stream and play the new Baldur's Gate 3 and work tomorrow, even possibly on the weekend, I struggle with stable structures and I frankly hate my mother for her instabillity and greediness to become children etc. I am also very toxic against the slightest type of materalistic type of girls where I feel she'd suck the life out of me, as I did not have a lot and I generally vibe with someone who generally had to practice graittude, yet these are often girls I'd bet who been "victims" of parental gaslighting, as only the ingrateful ones seriously start to gaslight others and take on the similar patterns. I've been ingrateful a bit, yet I generally attracted so many positive scenarios through gratitude the practice of it develops deep depth & love. Also this current dating hype about latin culture is a bit annoying to see the prevalence of 6w7 tendencies & even when I like the vibe I hate the music, so I never know I get bored and I bet I could puke listening to it... seriously.... latin music is by far the most unenjoyable music genere I listened to I could endure schlager more than latin music... that is a big thing to say, it's so cringe and intense it hurts so much. I am still open to it to learn. That is fundamentally it, I sort of have to inspire myself more as I notice not many things do the trick. I'll obviously will put some limits, into my posting generally speaking, yet right now I am done I achieved my first milestone & it's very similar to the current situation & I see the scary backend for me also & the issue of over people who socialize only by rules and expectations and can't seem to let go etc. This set is insane. I'll currently dump the success journal, I don't enjoy a non-organic grind & even if the structure is better to much clarity can feel coercive for me. I'll drink one coffee & then meditate, I'll post about the session and do my gratitude practice etc here and shadow work the level of efficiency here for the work that I am doing is very high and I meet my needs.

I wait sometime, and leave it's better somehow people have a talent to attach themselves to a part of themselves that is their pain body and just vibe with pain. It's not even compassion, and just perpetuation to realize. New friends also speak about me about spirituality and are very non-judgemental. I hopefully can work on some personal quirks for people who are worth it and deserve my goodness. I give my best to make distinctions and read and study some social stuff up, also speak with some people I can esteem as extroverted and good at it to get people. I don't want to learn from introverts to much, I am quiet extroverted for an introvert. Yeah let's see fk any type of "connection/bonding" the people are do, some are so rigid I'd have to review the entire theory of books only to realize, oh shit I was right again, and it did not include memory. It's simply a state, they are denying as it's associated with identity and the conundrum of beign. Anyhow I hope this will work out, from this point out I will really know no one I ever considered close to me in the recent years. I am not in contact with my mother anymore and she is not part of my family anymore, it was a horribly toxic and abusive conversation I only have these patterns with white stubborn girls? Like what with the guy I just wrote to as she is not consciously taking responsibilities for her mistakes, and my tongue can slip, if you don't have compassion it will never work, and sorry I was also in highly creative enviroments at times where the "cordial white dressed -> it's like this brat behaviour in dating, and they could get me off with nasty stuff. It's very typical and to immaturely implemented, and it's the same pattern irregardless of girl or guy, bitchy, moody etc. I am a bit of a brat myself, but yeah quiet frankly. This is why I am deleting journaling, I am very very sensetive it's better to take care of my enviroment, even if it means closing an entire site etc. It's not easy to realize what has influence and what is not. The level of "beauty in human & humaness is missing" my gut was right this place is full of hatred at the beginning and that is harder than bitterness or bitterness is beneath it, it's a odd. It's odd anyhow I don't care. I finally decided and give and ask the most of my social support. I carried my lazy IT guyto the gym for 7 months very consistently even more possibly? We had a winter break, yet schedule was mostly two days ,now he comes the full 3. To appreciate someone like this, who wakes up at 6:00 and goes to the gym with you. That nig*** is your friend, even if he does it once. Or I dunno you wanna code at 6 am and he shows up and you code, it's a different way to relate etc. It's just obvious to me, to realize. If I had a kid like Daniover9000 I would abondent it as long as it does not die There are people that can adjust and are helpful and just also have social problems for example as a girl as the guys are so bad socially besides if you're very very high in tech, as this becomes your social ground, so there is better skill there, then rand512 who barely speaks to anyone I will not be able to speak about some stuff, and I'll look into the subtelties of social attacks, a lot of white people started to act like this, that is why I stay mostly with the cool cats. Power struggle is realer imo for younger and family at purple -> your tribe, than most social stuff, that social stuff is your healing mostly if you never been to nature, but yeah. Fuck this. This was very good, it's just evident I can't speak to some people they trigger a level of pain that most likely goes into their DNA. So yeah. Oh but this is good I can realize I am a white gay femboy, HAHAH This is funny for shadow work HAHAHHA I can't we go back oh lord... I hope some of you get's a pair of black genetics once that you can identify and meet other black people for the depth of shit talk and joy. You don't get this else were, oh man. Hope this will be great, till now it seems way fking better and chill. That is why I am cutting everything I really wanted to dial back, it was really a mismatch between stuff, and these fundamental human patterns don't fully exitnguish or change if I don't become more conscious even if it is 0,01% at activity etc. stage etc. It's improvement. Also not a burn-out schedule. That is absolutely nuts and only for real superhumans, I can't stomach it like this. I would need different needs for strategies and especially the social trauma of engaging with low stages of developemnt. It's also good to have more unbiased friends, even when I know they are wrong etc. All in all I am glad I am happy to meet new friends that I can call friends, and I don't feel backstabbed etc. Friendships have been a core pillar for my well-beign a lot can get lost. But femboy 3000 oh man I can't wait at the stupidity of this, like bro you don#t get how digsuting stage red is it's shocking how naively disgusting this guy is, that is why I would help to yearn to help traumatized warriors and veterans, I would also possibly laugh if he randomly just chocked a lecturing kid. Anyhow this guy is the issue of white dark masculinity if you want even that. Oh man a lot of juice, this will be crazy.

Please become a christian!! That would be to funny.

Please delete my account @Leo Gura See also my PM I am very serious please delete it !!!!! This forum is extremely immature, just please make a delete button for older accounts, I barely get any quality. No. That is only a partial truth, not going to engage with you and I will tell you frankly you're on my blocked list for a long time now. I would appreciate not having the opportunity to engage with you at all. Also that would heavily move you into manosphere toxicity, I bought an audiobook and stopped listening to it that had a similar ideaology, of what you type. Hard Times Create Strong Men: Why the World Craves Leadership and How You Can Step Up to Fill the Need. It's quiet stage 1 masculinity framed, if Arnold does not speak about god and the spirit, the guy is for my standards an utter joke, and just another human I also think he is weak as an old man to chase strength that much and survival that much. It's such a linear defintion of strength let alone it's stupid it would be stupid to not make proper gradations, and basically the guy is selling his book mate. LIKE PLEASE LEO DELETE MY ACCOUNJT!!! MAN JUNGE MACH BITTE ENDLICH DEN ACCOUNT WEG!

The lecture today was good, I could healthily journal about this, if Leo does not respond to my message I hope I can ban this entire website from using it, as I will have access to other stuff, and it's easier to have my account deleted, as to install a "ban app" on every device that I use. It's good and I will do the most that I can to engage in this tilll now, I am very very sensetive, it's also because I did smoke 5g of cannabis in a week and I am in this latent anxiety mode, that is usually totally processed by the cannabis or makes it self present. It's more the pain body and potentially real damages I did due to having smoked cigarettes for a part of my life. Mostly pain of any sort goes away, yet I never really noticed that I did this, and I did not find good tools etc. Most of these things I would prefer not typing and sharing anymore and get completely of tha habit of journaling, and only journal meditation sessions and gratitude, maybe the occasional fun stuff. For me to put these things into my own words etc. I prefer speaking also as you can get insights faster than by typing. So yeah. I hope he deletes my account I would be utterly grateful, I enjoy his content and even persona, yet the emotional thing for me it's 10x, and it sucks to see someone when you're very young to act so irrational verbally online, I've done it in video games and even here, I usually mute everyone, as it get's so toxic when everyone is anonymous and can't be held threatened by danger etc. It's also more Green pain than the more "high yellow" pain that utterly diminishes when you're skilled imo, anyhow that is my first thing. It's an introductiory session where I hope I can write my masters, I won't have the impact in the more "typical man" associated fields entirely, due to my sensetivity and issue that causes with thinking my IQ goes below roomtemperature when I am angry, and I am angry a lot of the time. It took me tremendous amount of dedication and skill to get the mind more quiet etc. I also constantly feel pain even the "pain-emapthy" .... when things become sensetive which can be exhausting. It's very good when someone can emotionally dominate an entire room with good vibes frequently, so that vulnerabillity is snoozed. I know Leo does not mean some stuff when I see him post the tarentula and the blog here is very inspirational. I would give ectasy that exact name, I just hope deep down in a deep dark masculine moment where you gaze the light for a second, as Leo also said this I hope this guy does not kill himself doing good in the world and standing up for it is one of the hardest things I personally faced, that is why it's not easy I personally feel and I was partially included in this mob, although I am personally expressed by utterly deep frustrations, yet I never trolled the guy in a way or messed in a manipulative way that was truely heinous. A part of me really loves Leo & is greatful, yet this academia rationality thing and not the love sort of science is most likely what crumbles me personally and him also partially. Passion & Love are generally intense I've never seen "conscious love & passion" I would most likely make a distinction of flow passion & flow love or capital Passion and capital Love. where the illusion of self is extremely attenuated. I also vibe with 90% of the philosophers he posts I presume. I dunno I really enjoy his work and look forward to the new stuff. PLEASE DELETE MY ACCOUNT I DON'T WANT TO PARTICIPATE IN THE FORUM ANYMORE!

I think the guy is wrong and misses so many points of human interaction which he himself was part of. Still, yes I find men weaker especially not women. I don't think this guy gets the nuances of our generation properly, the pain is very different from just go gym & work hard. Times change so drastically and differently due to technology. The guy was also 100% at workaholic levels of work. What is even strength if we all get weaker? How about a different definition that empowers instead of this bickering and lamenting. I dunno I hope baby-boomer generation dies off. It's crazy for me personally, to see Arnold more fake. He also is part of the creation of the toxicity of body culture, and I bet the guy did this out of weakness when he saw the mirror iirc he felt weak and wanted to get strong. I dunno hope for the best.... Please Leo also read my message or mods. I want my account to be deleted. I don't want to engage anymore with this website. ( This is independent of my post, yet quiet severe due to mental/physical well-being) Thank you!!!!!!!!

Right now I just wish I could help myself more and get proper help, yet I am very exhausted and I would need a paid vacation that is an actual vacation last vacation I did was 6 years ago for work. Otherwise I only had time off. Most advice is also very very very very basic l, yet reassuring the more advanced stuff happens more automatically, yet it's the very simple things that get me in life. I don't do well with overcomplicated teachings....

I am glad after today I will talk with friends it's not enjoyable to me, I don't enjoy life anymore practically also. It feels only like stage blue I only crave catharsis here... If someone could describe death in a color today for me it's blue. Even seeing the ocean would make me sick. I also don't have as much balls anymore, but I care less.

Many can't simply help with the integral/post modern and even just modern issues. Most of my issue lie there, especially socially. Anything below green in any sense is not possible for me. It's to ridden by societal stuff. I don't really come to good terms with survival. I don't enjoy mine. It was better with exercisingly intensely. Now this can cause depression. So what now? I don't know it's so much pain and I don't care to care about others and a country so much. It's not good I am done now speaking/typing. I don't enjoy the integrity issues in myself and family as well as the lack of transparency and honesty in being transparent asap. Sorry if I offended anyone and s1 got triggered. This is a part of me and I can't seem to resolve this and I don't enjoy my Instagram and TikTok generation of who fucks who and who fucked whom to get whomsens? (Children) all to our scientific oh so loving paradigm oh yes.... That cool aid that never works. 1-100 do it authentically and I want to be in the place even if they post nothing. Idk it's not so cool currently dealing with this win&looser paradigm and stage orange/deserved/undeserved orange/blue. It's quiet painful very very painful.... every soul knows the answer, yet our body is so limited and fragile and our power so limited. It's not possible to resolve all conflicts. I hope I can make progress I don't enjoy it today was shit. Very shit and it should've been okay, I seriously lack a professional I don't feel well it's a lot of stress and even the professional can be to dumb or just unfitting many who seem fitting are internet gurus with found their fortune. I dunno I stopped crying about creating conscious work due to how Leo behaved it was to juvenile at the wrong time for me where I needed a very very very mature and loving person. I found it only to some level in Shinzen retreats and audiobooks/Eckhart tolle. Loving cut and sharp compassion and love... & clarity over simple and mundane stuff + European consciousness aware.... But sure he benefits like Trump? For his behaviour and personality. I never expected this also from someone "adult/mature" this made a huge juvenile backdrop on this forum. I could've fördern it our generation takes way more care about image, beauty and shine. That an extrem almost untameable juvenile animal idiotery could happen. Yet I trusted him. I don't feel well even with warnings etc. That just wants a proper resolution to everything it's all mostly consciousness... I can't be long in this place ai would benefit more from a short brief talk... Or a very extensive talk ....

I would really appreciate a restart, I don't engage well with people that trigger ego and not God. Ever teacher that does not triggers this for me is a fool. Also the issue of deserving & undeserving has been bothering me immensely. As I don't find anyone besides the tech guys to speak about this anxiety as normal and normies don't get it. And a lot of shit is overblown imo. All I care about is proper respect when treating me or I might seriously hurt someone I don't know if I will ever be that conscious. Yet ai will use physical violence if someone threatens me disrespectfuly physical or not violence, yet physical boundary creation? Like Fuck off. It scares me having to feel like this around my mother and most men are such weak dipshits for their pussy lives. I don't know what type of white hypocritical shit face you have to be, but I tell you what you did is beyond anything. Just shut up. Don't even talk.

It's an issue not speaking English and typing at times. I never cared about eradicating pain completely it's just dumb to engage with it as it's very dangerous and potentially damaging when you do to much. Lessening it helps me with the underlying negativity. Only meditation and conscious conversations helped to get into some healing space and nature I also don't know why old friends like to enjoy the "old me" I've often embraced the change of others. Just not the unconscious damaging b.s. I lost most joy out of my life and even when I am content, I am not as joyous anymore. I don't enjoy it that others have fun that much anymore due to my working reality and barely having anyone to speak to for enjoyment to.

I don't enjoy reality it's such an arbitrary illusions it's stupid. Only that illusion is fun. But only pain. Just no. I worked to diminish suffering and not to get rid of it entirely, pain and intense emotional negativity have been the biggest issue in my growth. Be it physical or emotional, mentally it's okay, yet emotionally is the biggest balancing obstacle. I don't want to speak to my mother anymore.... I just get "headlights" with negative stuff... I don't enjoy her character. Her shared suffering causes more suffering due to difference. Etc. Like for me to even date a girl who enjoys family and sees it as her core value being such an oddly good fit. Is shocking to me. I Just don't know and care about. I hope truth somewhere did guide me. I don't know what else to dive into. As I will type for hours away... as these things are emotionally painful riddles almost and knots in my body or not even knots just lingering pain..... I don't know what to do with the racism stuff and the psychologist also did not help here... I would really love to meet more teal people... I don't know if I end it before this... but I hope I can find more teal. I can barely speak with anyone fully and I don't know anymore what I enjoy... if you enjoy personal development. I just dunno, I was always one if the few in the tank of does a lot of practice and reads a lot of theory. I never lean to strong in one direction it's not possible for some time sure, yet never very very long. It's a huge issue imo that I dealt with the emotional out lashes of my mother as she is a tryrannie herself. That took me again 2-4h of talking and writing.... As I forgot I was scared of her emotional out lashes smith. like a pain-body does not exist or awareness there is just reactivity. Nobody would end up with my mother like this, yet with her I am to deep and innocent and have been wounded I feel by dark feminr materalistic cravings of fuck it all let's fuck all stage red, yet feminine nature. Which destroyed the more healthy innocent relationship to men to some level energtically not consciously... I don't like it. I have idea how to resolve this. Enough subtle hatred/anger... Lack of love = suicidal ideation Lack of opportunities = suicidal ideation Lack of good friendships = suicidal ideation Discrimination by white women = suicidal ideation Discrimination of any kind that I can't handle = suicidal ideation Stage orange = suicidal experience at times just not good Stage Green = suicidal apathy Stage Yellow = Suicidal optimization frenzy & being the whole pack Stage Turquoise = Suicidal due to the inevitably to create meaning, even when doing so. You create meaning and it fails consciously so you ideate with death... Etc. I had a more wise perspective of dying before you die, this is missing as a context here. It's to many absolutist. I need more help having friends and a conscious life than to experience God. It's such a privilege I would deny people it as a Tyrann this priviledge. But never out of joy. Just because of the idea of Schadenfreude and I hope God can laugh to about this... Anyhow I don't find answers and many here are from some academic white priviledge upbringing and there never has been a person I found similar to me on the forum in an earnest manner to interact solidly with. I found similar spirits, yet also to late. Forum was way to toxic. Now it's better.... I just wish someone could connect to my emotionality without being very white.... It's painfully obvious, your organism can tell... true innocence from the bias and layers of innocence. I don't know what to do with hatred. I dunno and should just not interact with someone who pushed my buttons because the person has power and influence over me. Or suggest it. It's my own foolishness and generally there is a deep bitterness and frustration in Academia in me and problem solving. I just don't enjoy being human and I know why ... at times I feel so painful that I can't help and inspire others anymore with my purpose and drive. I loose all meaning.... Envigoring others to act from higher consciousness was beautiful to me... I lost this edge tremendously as I don't feel as unstoppable anymore and the skeptical, cynical route did not help me here. Quite frankly, I feel so much resistance mostly from the positive thing, yet if you realized how much impact a single negativ thing you said might had on another person, you'd cry in emapthy anything less is not worthy to talk about or you can experience with higher emotions. All in all I don't like to socialize with social courtship White judeo Christian culture and "humaneness" of Rituals type of idea. If you see it as a fun illusion idc, yet it's not reality for me. To be "white evangelic Christian". I hope a new culture can emerge with technology... new hopes implemented into stone.. I don't have much joy or Hope for the next 200-300 years ... Anyhow idc.

It's also emotionally exhaustive to engage with so many people so a strong family helps, yet this is just yeah it's survival mostly. Not as much fun....

It's definitely good if I can take a holiday/vacation for 2-5 years in another country. I don't know how I can entertain myself and find answers to solutions. I don't have as much of enjoyment the conversation after cannabis derails so badly. I can only blame this as I come to terms with a potential reality, that does not play itself out. When I don't engage in it so "consistently". It's only when I stopped and don't have anything something is very unconscious and pissed. I can also not put it to spiritual use I feel still like shit after all the hopes and promises I had in actualized.org and ambitions and I don't deal well with the practical nature anymore at times it's to hard. All in all I am extremely unhappy with my existence, yet I am generally content... I don't know how to engage my dark side properly without as much exercise. It's still good I did so much prep work... it's not easy to speak about my past as I was often the in-between kid. Yet I still connected all of them.... that was so beautiful about my own journey... it all suddenly made sense now that I am here... more like destiny... This has been fking with me. I miss connecting more people as you need money and entertainment or create a family. It's not possible otherwise at the level of depth I crave, if I find that that is rare. I found 1-4.... Should be possible to find at least s1. Ego&Pride and the lower stages and some of the higher stages is triggering me. It's odd not speaking to s1 in my family and being me around them and feeling innocent.... I dunno I don't know what to do when I deal with a person that emotionally just freezes.... Then comes back way to strong. I process a lot, yet I dunno if there is trauma there. I had other signs/stories that were more fitting. Anyhow I watch it... I still crave I can have a fantastic relationship for my mother, yet I lack to strength to give her the enjoyment to get rid of her karma more... especially the more healthy side of our relationship with nature... It's painful to me to realize how disturbing growing up for me was, as I was tuned out of "naturalness" and created with other more half/half kids a new social reality, how alienating that separation experience is when it's forced onto you. Even when people are friendly/good-willed. Right now I just am massively disappointed at so many things I completely neglected my vision as it does not inspire me anymore. I believe I fooled myself buying the course from Leo. Just the episode is good. Values is smith..... that I am to open.... I could name plenty. It's more about conscious life experience for me. I don't know anything about meta-physics and the academical crap, yet it's societies notion of meta-physics. So what now? I could sleep more well most of the practical things I either need more money or a better place. As they all entail outside paid help for emotional stuff. My injury just fucks stuff up and I only found 2 ppl not affected by it at all... so they want to do stuff with me outside of sports... Where I practiced being consciousness to begin with, everything else made not as much sense besides the classic skill considerations. Why even do sports when you can even enjoy occasionally a god-likr feeling? That can even only be running solo without the idea of "competition". Competition also matters and has been a core motivator as it's for many. The creator shift for me was huge and painful after Leo's course I did though surprisingly well adopt the mindset in action and creation of any sort... It's like the fine distinction if stage red Power& Control drive... Solution = creation..... Creating peace...war ... Love.... Restaurants etc. I dunno if it's all about accomplishments and not performance I don't get joy out of my accomplishments... . Generally the negativity even the most subteles remark still lingers in my head like. Oh you did not achieve that much yet Such things bother me severely as I also feel like shit. Nobody taught me what I could impact and create. I could be any "role"/occupation, yet the personal impact and creation drive I had in my teens. Especially, the very healthy drive. That is gone. Excellent health. Etc. All this energy etc. Gone... I feel so soulless with so many para socials and making new friends partially. I know th for a year and know nothing about them... I dunno I just don't enjoy feeling and thinking suicidal things. Due to my scar or academia mostly and my injury. Mostly this "hidden terror". It's not very enjoyable to feel my scar and feel the same feeling as deep painful depression subtrly... So the thought just evokes when I am negative... As I feel extra pain... I am thankful for my mother, yet I wish I had a social space and family space where ai can feel whole... I hope the new girl is open for this I know I yearned for s1 better looking, yet it's such a good fit without the emotional laden drama. It's simply erotic polarity. Also more authentic more loving & compassionate girl. It's odd, I hope it will be good and something can grow. I really lacked and craved a true cheerleader now I have more of a softer version of an emotional nurse/witch? Without the angel crap. I am just glad to talk to anyone but my mother.... I wish she would constantly speak high German... Yet it's a huge issue for me personally as we get into cyneccism till it's self-sabotage again pathing & I don't enjoy this. Speak truthfully and be honest, even if you're not perfect. I don't enjoy cyneccism anymore I've grown out of it. Some stuff is fine due to pain creating the emotional reality. You should make better distinctions between Schadenfreude and invent the word Schmerzensfreude as you clearly say it's psycho stupid & would fit most members admittingly and or unadmittingly in this camp. Anyhow I hope I can speak with new friends about this stuff. I am not very happy. I feel I barely got the chance at a social life in a healthy normal way. It's odd how much has to be an alternative route.

It's so dumb she had me when she was 31 with less success. I don't like speaking to her... she is uneducated imo and to practical oriented. If she would be educated more it would not be as bad... I just crave someone I can cry and talk to ... I am a very very emotional person. Not in terms of negative & positive just the allness of it. It's odd. I dunno what to do I feel like everyone is a stranger or npc, if I am not "more" conscious... Which is not even true it's just consciousness..... That has nothing to do with information... it's a baseline state... Not seeing s1 face is bad, when you speak to them.

I just have a serious issue with German girls and girls who act like "typical German girl" and how close that comes to a global whiteness at times and not just being a global citizen in a sense. The nuance in seeing these distinctions is an issue even in-between themselves.... So I dunno if I get "German vibe" of girl I am off. Me only prefer good Nazi that means I can say Nazi and you're not offended or can speak about this. As well as this racial crap does not make sense etc. & I can talk to you about it. A more social talker would also be better, it is a reality. It's odd but okay. I just don't really like it when I am being extremely verbal, it's also a habit I have from Leo I don't know who else acted like this, yet I had 0 friends anymore and he was so positive about stick with me and do the work. Yet so much work goes into waste when the other does not even respond to it. I dunno my mother is a good human.... I just can't deal with these dark notions and feminity at time. It's like dealing with a weird and angry cat that suddenly attacks you, when you thought it was a cute kitty. It's also not the stuff that would grow a man, it's delusional stuff that puts me into a stage 1 dynamic. I really really crave a stage 3 type of relationship. Just now I dunno doing & doing socially and meditating I just don't know how seriously I am also traumatized from living in this introverted psychopathic emotional emptiness here in Germany. I'd have to express exactly that to speak with other Germans. It's not good and not socially loose enough. German is a very very cringe language, I don't know how to describe, yet you could name it the language of angry scientific virgins. I would agree... This will not get out of my head. That is the dark masculine in me mostly saying this... I don't care as much. I like and love the language generally. I just don't like it's history. Yeah I dunno right now I am just overwhelmed with the amount of maturity I crave, need to enact and have. It's so odd speaking to my mother. Next year being 30 and admitting actualized org failed miserably for me in my twenties all due to death and injury? That is what I mean I lack people to speak to about my issues and resolving stuff. I don't do well working only on one thing, so sure some stuff is resolved, yet the toxicity of feminity when you don't have status, money or fame can be staggering in older women. Especially. It's subtel. It's not even who I am or what I do, just proprietary I hope this is the correct term. I just don't enjoy if a girl likes me for this and my mother is super turned by this biologically, so I don't like her it's not even social. It's more biological. She is not as bad, yet my age has been bothering me for 5-4 years now in my mid twenties. Now I am 30 next year and my mother came with societal expectations. Instead of giving the correct logical answer, but we had tantrum etc. It's just so stupid how you can appeal so much to the bad side of me and not the good energy. Like my grandma did more of... I miss her a lot ... I could speak to her at least a bit... I miss having a family and just feeling secure without electronic device in people... which is no biggy. It's been a weird journey .... I don't like most modern girls also they get the modern luxury with close to none historical events which for dating is not always so cool. Generally it's good, yet the benefits can be staggering. I hope I can reconnect to black culture and people. It's been a very longtime where I felt like part of a community last time was yoga...

I am not happy being in this in-between of adulting and the attitude of many seeing non-financially independent people as children, my mother never did well seeing me as a child as I found her to be childish as I was younger etc. Is seeing others as children and protecting them. I am also independent it's just a weird thing due to work & study & not being fully there and in-between thing. It just something I do care at one part less about I am most likely a bit more relationship oriented as postmodern+ men generally are more feminine. It's crazy for me how you can lack so much wisdom. Especially the wisdom of clearly preventing mistakes. Anyhow I just am finding clarity admist this b.s I just can't talk to my mother anymore for emotional stuff. It goes sour she knows the most, yet can't connect and relate. That has been the biggest issue I keep listening to the power of now. It's better wisdom for me than currently. I dunno and I should be careful still about her. It's odd I don't find things to do & keep etc. To get myself out of a rut etc. I briefly skim the Leo video about this, yet quiete frankly the "power pragmatism" and not the "Controller pragmatism" is smith. which has been bothering me and I am resisting just stuff. Especially the pain of important decisions etc. with leadership etc. I feel extremely devastated when I care etc. It's many many subtelties. Root solution is be conscious of negativity it'll dissolve worst comes worst do smth. else that helps... Anyhow I am just happy sharing the power of now (only in German) helps me tremendously to digest the unconscious pain in me.

Innocence as a value .... I dunno just innocence feels good here, still it's crazy how much energy this lack of transparency in a stage 2 type relationship occured. Like I dunno. It's not good if people protect you from fear. Facing fear etc. Is better. I never thought about this etc. Again it's such nuanced b.s my memory does only recall such things vaguely. As I trust the other even more then me as I forget what I say at times. But yeah it's not cool to be verbally abusive to emotionally abusive people. Yet it's a cycle. I just hope this will not happen in intimiate relationships, yet this b.s only seems to happen with my mother. I just would love to dial back properly, I watched some stuff about trauma, and it's good that I don't interact with the traumatized... etc. Still.... Consciousness is just automatic... Why I love/loved a.i .... enjoyment of autonomey, clarity, fun, relationships, connections, consciousness... me with 16-17...

I can't interact with her at one point my heart will die... All is okay, yet ffs you can't speak to s1 as stupid as this it's such a dumb naivety. This is the nr.1 reason I will die dumb naivety.

Anyhow I am gone, it's an issue for me emotionally as I can't go back to the stability I had and how negative and bitter these people are on a career and financial level to have these hedonic drives at that age. I wanna go and be left alone, by bitter I don't care to create anything concrete type of shit. This is so much karma to work through as she constructed 0% and has 0% data even controversial stuff about gender and I am highly moderate left-leaning and she is a centrist with same opinion, but stupid and war. I dunno it's not easy to speak with her about these things. I don't want to engage with her further anymore. This bitch only cares about order and work tbh. I have never called any girl specifically bitch etc. As with her it's a very very stupid dynamic. She will frame it on Man. Toxic, non-toxic etc. She is basically a hardcore manipulator at one point she is not authentic I get any guy leaving her. She does not deserve cheating etc. But yeah she is stupid. I don't care it's an issue of how this can impact my relationships. I don't like her I wish often she'd be dead not providing the same opportunity others have here etc She has no love to give and it's all coming from me, when it's enacted by her? Why care about a whore of a mother who only cares about sucking her boyfriends dick? Like seriously fuck her she does not realize how this shapes an against me identity of her against me. Incredible how she would snap at her boyfriend, yet not her child. You call that unloving whore mother. Heartless white Judeo-Christian culture fucking trash. To dumb to contemplate her own country & culture no empathy to relate. Sieg Hail Familiarity! Danke scheiß Fotze! You hear this once and I only curse my mother for this b.s. I don't like her rightous Nazi nig*** fking attitude. Can't blame herself, can't lead, never at fault. Then claims the opposite with others and my generation. I dunno just fuck her for her childish immature dumb fuckery. You can't speak with stage red maybe I overestimated her and my family is just stage red on average as "fub mode" what a shame brutal asses.

On my phone finally I don't think I can engage with my mother for anything old I can only speak with new people they are all trying to figure out reality with their mind and truth. I dunno, I notice she does not care for me as a human I don't also want to meet her boyfriend, also her perception of stuff is not really accurate. If I imagine them, yet it's just an issue who to talk about with my emotions and insights about this. I never realized how materalistic sensationalist driven my mother is and how it sucks to be an intuitive introvert near such dipshits. I can't interact with her well, if it's not pain. It's odd to describe this, yet sure I am at fault & I did not suffer the most and had the hardest circumstances etc. It was a very weird development step sort of mid-late twenties with person dying at home while being at college without cash. Now similar with injury, the pragmatism without love and hope is not helpful. That is why fuck her! I don't care I don't need to be your good boy you cuckold creationist whore. You'd even want slaves as your a lazy white Nazi fuck her seriously. You can feel it by energy. Most stuff I talk about she has 0 empathic energy to listen to fuck Kerstin, yes fuck this stupid girl!!! She is to fucking stupid to deal with me, I just leave her alone, yet she will see little of me. I give it a go and call friends instead. Fuck her, and fuck her guy and her family. Just fuck her materalistic unloving nature.

I hope nobody has my account I went on a test forum!!! With a real id & password...!!!...

Talked to my mother for a couple of hours horrible conversation = I kill myself conversation. I don't know who to talk to about this deeper and darker stuff.... My mother is one egotistical whore. It's like a waste of insight almost I have when I contemplate the depth of what she did etc. When I truely feel like shit and talk to her, she is one of the biggest & dumbest peeople to help, yet my core craves a mother a loving mother.... to give that to yourself etc... Its very painful, I dunno it makes me care less about my life, as well as that of my mother, she is only and only concerned what I say to her, yet her behaviour and in speach and body language, especially also beign a women etc. Not having awareness of shadow. I can only make materalistic cynnical fun of her to endure this piece of shit, I don't anymore I will not call her as often anymore by mother if I need to speak to her, if she has so little respect for my emotional life, and only cares about pragmatic survival. She is so stupid, it's not funny anymore. I've never meet a dumber person than my mother, and I don't like saying this. I just have a dumb mother and a dumber father at one part etc. etc. I just don't care I can reframe everything quite well, it's more about getting my emotional support currently from people where I can really tell the dark stuff etc. As it's bothering me immensely and just to type away at it, is also not the thing, even the condensed version is to much. My mother is also such a low life disgusting whore, with her stage red attitude, in a none fun mode. The "real red" type of conversation where it's just about power & control, and she simply does not see it. I generally do not well with people who have an unhealtyh power instead of control drive & non-healthy stage red I worked a lot on this etc. All I can say is my mother is a whore, and I can't talk to her. She is to stupid for me to communicate in any level, that does not seem personal and take extra care for a person I fundamentally don't care as much, as the relationship is so starved of any true connection. Due to differences in perception and inabillity to reconcile it. This power drive can't simply comprehend if they are not schooled, that they are different and not interested that much in control for controls sake, yet for power for example etc. etc. It's odd I craved family a lot, and my mother is the type of asshole girl, I would never like or touch, even if she is normal. As it's a survival driven maniac, even on the most normal levels, it's so nasty and lacks diversity and variety.... it's unenjoyable to feel so bound by survival. I've never meet a person also from my old region that has the capacity to understand this. She frames so much unconsciously purely on merit and exterirors, yet then culturally and personally (she is a boomer legit a baby boomer and I am not even 30), is so dull about current nuances, triggers and generally frames everything on men, while I have my own problems and give my best to speak about this, yet she does not understand and just uses humour. Like a dumb irresponsible troll. Only to be left alone, congratulations asshole, you can call your self Mother now. You achieved the status of Asshole Mother. She does not comprehend anything coming from TIER 2, she only sees red, orange, and green. At times yellow due to "German beign" we're all a System!! *hmpf*. So she has access to some of it, yet she does not recognize how simple her dumb life is, it's so simple, you can only be "happy" in the conventional sense. Yet she generally does not seem to get the connection about my nature itself so many things. She thinks I am comparing, when I am contrasting and switching viewpoints, she thinks I am serious when I am not serious and vice-versa when I am comparing I am contrasting for her as it means => merit => competition => win => fuck all!! Yeah Yeah!! Then she has the same type of idiot as a boy friend who likes sports and soccer with the same fking union, yet a different sport. Ugh... if somebody can relate please kill me and forbig this nasty thing get's kids without siblings. Insane how you can be so low development, yet also insane how "low" old green seems. They have issues with red it's immense. I dunno I just can't call my mother anymore, and I apparently must've said something to her, that triggered some fear, and she creates a self-suffilling prohpecy by her behaviour, so yeah fuck her and the dude. I don't have the capacity to think about the guy, and be in a "happy family" how she liked this stuff, as I would've liked of it some authentically, yet she does not really comprehend holism. It's all about success and contentment for them it's a huge orange person at times. Where I notice, I might kill myself as this system is an utter failure, and I don't care, and most likely am to good hearted, or believe in karma to not kill myself etc. Just end contact at one point or even do it. I don't have space for her in my family, as she is not really the type of person that would fit, and would kill some stuff due to heavy materalistic cravings. I don't like it, she had good faith, but bad execution. Also limited severely.... I just don't know how to deal with the conondrum of others beign non-spiritual seeing the "you" as your "real identity" like the last psychologist, I feel so guilt tripped, like this pain and fear is all there is or what? They don't think they are negative, yet interacting with them creates negativity at times, as they are negative as their negative = normal = unnormal and unhealthy for me = not caring. Well? What can I say, my mother is the most heartless money riden and status ridden whore not expressing it on the planet, which creates shadow, yet she is a piece of shit I can't stand at times with her attitude, as she only things about intentions and her potential games, and her honesty is downright racist and should be punished severly by karma or something serious. If she thinks she is so funny and it's all so funny what she did I hope she suffers from some illness next live to see how incapeable it feels to not receive a lot of love etc. How crippling socially etc. Right now I am calling a bot to keep myself alive? That is how it feels. I don't really know who to socialize and talk to. It's to much people just want the good stuff never the bad, and I can't sort out all of my stuff alone. She is also weak not beign able to deal with anything like this, I tbh found all the girls weak in my family, my father is also not a "strong man", yet he had a deep strength in core masculinity, while my mother is a vanity whore for feminity she has 0% of it. I never meet a german feminine girl, also this is also a huge issue with academia and the neutralization of relationships due to rationality etc. & stage green giving the flip. It's such a paradoxical stage.... I don't know if you see teal ppl.... I legit get help.., yet my mother would rather make fun of myself and call me looser for killing myself. For talking shit? She is such a low creature, it's not worth it to engage with someone who can't take care of myself emotionally. Who has negative expectations and can't properly express anything maybe a hunch. It's such a social clutz, that is what I never liked about her, it's very subtle also in terms of shame and guilt also, she is a clutz in that area.... That is what I mean she is an asshole and a whore. I can't even relate to this anymore. Nobody seems to understand what I speak while I find some people who can help, yet they are all mostly INFJ's, and I don't get along with people who call others out on beign personal and do it themselves. She is absolutely triggered by this, where I feel nothing etc. I also exaggerate to not attack and speak directly at the issue, yet it's an issue to express etc. and find the right words etc. I am quiet good at it, she is horribly bad. I just don't know who to speak to when I feel like shit I could try the new friends, yet it's such a different history I don't know who I can speak properly to or who is trained etc. Anyhow I don't want to deal with normies etc. As well as actualized.org Leo is quiet similar, yet has many more good-sides, yet this dip-shit pragmatic cold-.hearted sociopathy ala Donald Trump stage red, is what bothers me the most. I also don't think these people deserve what they have in life, and I don't like their Schadenfreude childish Donald Trump nature. They are like him I hope this baby-boomer generation Erdogan, Putin, Trump dies finally. Anyhow she is the epitome of "normal good-looking lazy girl" toxicity, nothing applies she is never at fault. I don't know how to express this, yet I don't like it how she subtely so toxic on purpose and just cares about oh... we speak 30 minutes bye!! Go fuck yourself. I don't care about you if you only want to speak to me for 30 minutes of my time. She listens for hours then says she only wants to listen for 30 minutes, beign with a stage orange/green shit nazi who wonders about her own culture, as she lives in redneck state, is horrible. Fuck Germany, fking redneck planet also.

Been a while... no idea what is happening, I don't feel well and told my friend I will not smoke cannabis with him again. It's just not good for my work ethic and ambitions, especially injured there is a lot of drive already lost. Anyhow I don't have much to say I am not very happy, yet satisfied. It's odd. Without meditation and healthy living nothing significant changes. I hope I will post less and less stuff here. It seems to be better for all, I wonder currently what is good for me and I know the simplest answert would be to exercise and meditate. I hope I will not post here anymore regardless of everything. I don't feel well treated here genereally speaking there are not many ups to beign here besides lurking and the content. I never found someone alike also here... I have more luck doing my journey and fortune usually comes I feel as though there should be different ways how I interact with the world currently.

1h: Meditation: Through listening to the power of now which I enjoyed for years when I felt I had severe life problems, I realized that this feeling I feel at the center of my heart is just resistance and I am purifying it piece by piece slowly and gently and in a very controlled manner. I used to have such extrem feelings of flow and positivity when I did my practice due to this, I did not know where to put that energy in, as it's more of an executive energy, and not learning type of energy. etc. I am not getting into this, yet the freedom of a breakthrough is not experienced in that way, yet it's similar in essence. I might smoke cannabis today as I go out, for the first time since last year, and the tiny megy tiny ultra tiny bit I smoked at my birthday 4 months ago approx.... I am grateful for every positive opportunity I am thankful that I am speaking up for myself when I feel mistreated or someone treats me in a negliable manner I am grateful for feeling through resistance in meditation and feeling breakthroughs I am grateful for beign less triggered by scientific rational people and seeing their good side, that they take time and help often with their time I am grateful eckhart tolle and the power of now in terms of helping s1 at stage green & turqouise without the issues of stage yellow workholism and super edgy meta-systematic perfection striving. I thought I could cherish the discipline of stage blue more again, yet act more yellow that seemed to help with stuff, anyhow. I am going there is stuff to do & I will go out today.