ValiantSalvatore

@tedens Someone in the comments mentioned they do it because of some EU regulations. Not sure why.

Finally Leo endorses reading this: http://www.cook-greuter.com/Cook-Greuter 9 levels paper new 1.1'14 97p[1].pdf I've been skimming and reading this paper since two years from time to time. I want to finally transcend the ego fully. Also, Germany is just retarded. They released the new law now yesterday about psychedelics rendering the base components illegal. https://www.reddit.com/r/researchchemicals/comments/ceb0yt/new_npsg_released_in_germany/

Exams are over for now. I am thinking about doing a weekend retreat testing my limits regarding meditation and after that on monday to restructure my entire approach to learning I will write how I will do it either today or tomorrow. And also look into 5-MeO or 1P-LSD and go for it. That is it.

@Rilles That would be nice, other larger cities seem to have a problem with pollution too. I'll check it out. For e.g Paris.

@Rilles y this is what I thought, yet is urbanisation not prevelant? I've been to Shanghai for a couple of days, yet mostly as a tourist. I lived in Beijng though for 6 months. AlsoI visited, Xiamen and the venice of China I forgot the name and the trip was quite random. Would love to see a Green China, they actuslly built the largest telescope not sure when to explore life on other planets. Pollution was abnormal in Beijing. I could nor even see the mall across the street sometimes.

@Leo Gura The youth is quite Orange/Green a bit or normal orange. Yet, yes most are blue/orange with some the elderly seeming to be quiet red sometimes. Beijing even has some green elements mostly through foreigners living there.

I liked the new episode, I asked a friend who finished studying political science she explained the same thing to me Leo did with Athens and Greek and how it was back then. For instance most women where slaves and most men between the ages 25-39 where forced to participate in votings and in the political discourse in Greece / Athens. She also explained various sociological aspects, but nothing including consciouness. I gave some examples with Oshos cult how that has been partially done in the past trying to build a "conscious" community, but that was somehow dismissed. @Leo Gura China is amazing! The gap between the rich and poor is ridiculous I never saw so many rolls royces and masaratis but especially rolls royces in Beijing. In our office they called the "water guy" who brought in water bottles giant, yes that was his actual job he brought water bottles for the water cooler. I have no idea how they do it in larger officies, but that just seemed odd. Since he had a weird carriage. I don't know exactly what happend after Mao, yet a pragmatist called Deng Xiao Ping rose to power and gave the people means to do proper agriculture and techniques how to farm, because Mao forced the farmers to melt their tools iron etc. Just to push the economy and help China to become a world leader. After that they had a lot of famine and millions IIRC died because of this. The social structure of China is way to evolved for the westerners, natural compassion and fialial piety etc. + their history with empires and women and men roles etc. Is very different from the individualistic west. People are a lot more naturally more compassionate and care about their neighbours they truly are holding together. Yet, they see the goverment as God that is what my supervisor told me as I asked about their belives about God and such and for instance if people really ask their parents instead of how was I made how do I grow ? Which is more process oriented etc. (Besides the women and men role which is not very evolved yet , but the way people treat each other is more compassionate and the elderly for instance are able to take care of themselves just because there are some small strucutres like parks or workout things for elderly and the culture obviously playing board games etc outside you can find them everywhere and people eating at night on the streets with some tasty street food) I lived still in a very westerner district called DongZhiMen in Beijing, buying breed in the morning was already and adventure , especially going by subway to work. Still, they don't have any social security or health care if you are lucky the company provides you with that, the goverment as far as I know does not do that. Since, historically the kids were your health security, social security and or rent. Also when talking about politics there are think tanks which are research institutes which create biased or only positive evidence for oil companies and for simplisities sake lobbiests. It's not very objective and more focused on profit and the private sector.

I definitely noticed I can't programm very well, comparing myself to someone who started at a very young age and generally uses phython it's insane how fast he can come up with solutions, this and my whole self-identified story dragged me down yesterday. I don't know why, yet living here in my hometown is depressing for me. If I go out with a bike etc. I can enjoy living here, but having demands on me and thinking about how I worked here in the past etc. I want to do some exercises that help me to get out of victim mentality, also to focus on positive motivation, instead of avoidance. I feel so sleepy like I have not felt in a long time, all I want to do is sleep and I somehow feel depressed. I can't even tell if it is something subtle even like energy in the house or smth. like this. I just don't feel good because I realized that I can't programm very well yet and that my degree did not help me a lot in learning this skill, the script from the professor is the worst kind of shit I've seen in a while and I never had a lecture that was so depressing, all to his benefit. He has more time for other things etc. I also don't like this region I can't stand it anymore. This collective thinking here is driving me sucidial, I am not sure why or how this happens. I just don't want to be near these people. Or hear them speak.

The timer is again active and the site will close in about two minutes. I fixed the problem and impelmented one thing the professor was bickering about, reading again about politics and such wants me to read books. I am very desperate at the moment to get to wednesday and then have two weeks off, where I can restructure and plan everything. I worked out 4 times last week, this is good for not having access to a gym, the food my mom buys is not very good. And this region makes me feel depresive the same for the old house and the situation at home with my grandma, makes me feel uncomfrotable to often.

I don't sometimes get why american politics needs to be such a show, like a talk show or even reality tv. It's nice that the USA scores higher in self-expression values and you can see that reflected in their programms or the variety of people you would meet in new york and such. 10 people in a political debate is a zoo or a circus partially. I mean it's very interesting because it feels so gossipy and there seems to be hype etc. Still compare that with Japan or Germany with high secular values. Or sweden / denkmark who score both high in secular and self-expressive values. For e.g this is the largest german debate I could find it's very calm and everyone is sitting. I don't know if this is history based and knights sitting around a round table. And americans doing a stand off or duel. I like american politics in the sense that it is an event where every one can participate. Yet, it's very odd seeing it from a far I could even vote potentially for americas presidential election in 2020. So, this does partially concerns me, yet it's very different seeing it from a far. I could not for instance imagine trump sitting in such round with for e.g obama, joe bidden, bush and hilary clinton. Not sure what would happen but watching american politics just seems odd, that it is such an "event".

I could not fix the problem till now, I tired different approaches but I can't implement the behaviour that I want to. I want to take the whole thing apart now and see what I can do tomorrow morning. I will go to bed, I am not very happy to be here and I can see how this effects my mood. I am not the kind of person who easily hides his emotions, I mean I don't let you notice it but I can't really fake my mood. I definitely want to go to bed now, I don't know why I started thinking so bad about white color or people in the last two years, because I read into all of the historical and cultural background of slavery and stuff like this. Not sure how it was before, but after almost watching the new video entirely I notice and this is what I complain is not here in Germany, but in France as far as I perceive things. There is not collective, of foreigners it's a different with the newer generation, especially thanks to sports. The younger the better in that sense most of the time even a couple of years somehow seem to make a difference. Yet, the culture is not the same and even when I grew up in a german household, meaning at home with my family in Germany. I feel I am often able to read both cultures, including the american culture sure not as deep as an american or potentially full blown German. Yet, it forces me in the position of an individual without a collective. I can act as I am part of the collective which can happen, yet the collective also need to allow that. Some are more individualistic and a lot of bla. Yet, it's sort of unfortunate. I just want to travel again and be part of the global tribe. Even if that can also be stage blue. Yet, seeing something else besides this region even if traveling is not the ultimate fulfillment is nice.

I am partially done with the project, having a couple of other projects and not using hitlers script. Works out for now, I found a mistake in my friends code and now I am trying to fix that. The project is due on Wednesday. I hope I'll get it done, the professor said he is going to accept the application and I definitely want to work around this whole victim mentality thing again, and also read the book from breene brown again which is quiet short. I am happy when I am done on wednesday, I also convinced my friend to do some workouts he started but went overboard now he is dead ... Not sure why he goes ham. But, fine. I did not watch Leos video entirely. I still have to laugh about the word platypus and also the animal. It's cute and funny. Otherwise using my phsyical journal back home is great. So, I'll rely more on that I did this a lot here and in China + London. I actually have 8 volumes full of this type of greatness. Sarcasm applied. Also a lot of shadow work. I hope I don't loose gains here, my mom buys a lot of junk food which she never does when alone. I scolded her for doing it. I don't like this, yet I don't know why she still does it. She does not do me a favour and I struggle with not eating it, since I eat for energy ... and I don't really care what it is. I don't like food and can go for long times studying complaining that I have to eat. Eating can be annoying. I also don't like it when people force their food on me and I am not sure if I want to eat it or not. Instead of just talking about it and offering it they immediately use ego and guilt if I not eat food. The great ego. I am happy when wednesday is over. I want to re-apply for shinzen youngs lpp and ask him questions about behaviour change and no-self. I meditated on my regular 1h schedule again, although the time was off. I notice my identification with myself moved from the body into the brain, head solely now. The body is not fully seperated anymore, but still evokes emotions. Also I looked into some cs topics. I actually did parts of them, I am still not sure if I want to go to a TU or to a uni. I will decided based on courses, interest and if I can do it even. I just don't want to ever see web programming again or internet programming, cloud computing etc. Fine, but not internet programming. AND PHP!!!!!!! I want to re-arrange my projects and I am never ever taking again so many projects when I am still struggle with following through. This was just uneccessary, I want to re-read this journal starting on wednesday !

Also the point about the prefrontal cortex is elaborated.

I definitely slacked off the last couple of days. This is to be expected, I am still not used to working pain free and it's more behaviour driven and induces less guilt and shame around not understanding or knowing something. I am not sure what to reflect about, so I make a small list. 5-MeO Meditation Workout Studying Productivity Sleep Routine University I'll take productivity for now, it's a bit odd that I notice know how important my enviroment is to keep it clean or either to be in a deeper routine where I can focus alone on working etc. When I go back home there are all of these old triggers, I hope so often that it is going to be different and it can be different, the point is I need some time to adjust. I can't expect that things will turn out different so fast, even if I did study at home for some period of time, because I was injured and it worked great. I want to make myself conscious that I can be conscious now while studying and not treat it as a means to an end, as something I have to do, as something I must do, but as something I enjoy CONSCIOUSLY. Not unconciously, long study session feel like meditation and I can implement techniques while reading/coding/breathing etc. I can study CONSCIOUSLY. This is the important for me to realize. I don't like the concept of hard work personally because it as the "social connotation" that it's the hard working lower social classes who value this. I don't like this idea, I don't like this believe. I do like to work. So, I see it more as performance, I'll try the frame of mind of performance solely. Since a circus can be found at an social mileau. Otherwise I will try to change my old room tonight, so I am not forced into unconscious stuff. Also, working up suddenly even 1h earlier when I wake up at 06:00 am normally does not work. 5:45 works. I can try 5:30, but I will go with 5:45 for now. Anything else ? Yes University. I really can't tell sometimes where I want to go and if I even made the exams. One thing I notice about my productivity even if this sounds a bit arrogant is that, if the subject is not complex even if I like it I become bored and perform worse. If the subject is to complex and I am interested then I will feel lost and I can adjust by working more and asking questions. I can hardly tell if I overestimate or underestimate myself, growing up without a father did not let me test my limits, since as I said before my mother reacts badly when challenged and this is what young kids do. She does not understand, she does not read, she maybe reads some thriller etc. Now, I am stuck in this weird position where I am often left on my own with some room to test if I can do it or not. Without any internal back up. When I sit down and study I understand complex topics, sometimes I question am I smart enough etc. I also don't like how people patronize me sometimes because of skin color in a "compassionate" way, hearing the ton of this voice, sounds like someone is talking to an animal. Seriously, this triggers me and makes me feel guilty without any reason, besides that it's some scapegoating or w/e. Meditation: I only meditated for 30 mins the last two days for whatever reason, I am not very motivated when I am back home, it's nice from time to time, but I hate this city. I don't like it, I don't like the region, I don't like their collective unconsciouness, I don't like how they speak, I don't like how they act sometimes. What I like about this area that it is in general quiet and the nature is beautiful. I don't know if I will ever be able to stop talking bad about this region, sure there are some awesome people which make me think the region is great. But, there are only a few. After a meditation session I am reminded why I do it, but 1h sessions feel so, normal now. That I can't tell if anything changes. From watching the last video from Leo while I cooked called "How to be a results maker" or smth similar. He pointed out that patience is key... I keep asking subconsciously where is the outcome. I also want to do retreats again ideally to one in August from Shizen over a weekend to add another 3 days. So, I would have 5 days left this year to meet the minimum. My stretching definitely does not work. I listend to a new audiobook about attraction and I definitely want to change my porn consumption. I don't watch much ? Depending on how busy I am or how much willpower I bring up to focus on different things. I go between 1-2 weeks without mastrubating naturally. Through nofap. Or once a week. (What the book recommends without porn). When I am very ambitious and want to get things done or push my meditation. I go longer ranging mostly from 24-60days. Longest I time I abstained was 90 days. I never went longer I thought it's okay and accept my compassion exercises and get over it. I also meditate afterwards sometimes just to feel how my body feel it feels like my body is taking a toll and produces a lot of heat and small uncomfortable sensations that I would ascribe to exhaustion, yet very sublte. A workout feels similar but more pleasureable afterwards. I also don't feel very conscious afterwards depending on before often yes, but afterwards no. There are some exercises David Deida recommends I tried it not often enough to say that it works. But, that would be conscious masturbation. Potentially I can get to this point.

I made a plan for today and while I am sittig at a friends house I will code, I am not very productive when I get back home this is horrible. I'll hope I'll get the project finish in time. Not sure what to post else. Hot topic seems to be porn or collective consciouness. Leos new video ... gives more clues about the great filter But, I need 5-MeO enough.

I am back home. I visted my friend and he finished the programming part the basics of it in 3h. I still don't quiet figure how he did it he codes since he was in his teens. I was a bit suprised and now I can focus on the project and implement what I understand, he explained a few concepts I hope. I'll get the project done, otherwise I don't feel like writing much or been on track with accountability, I'll use instagram workout posts again. And see how well this goes, worked for a pretty long time.

I notice I spend again a lot of time on the forum, I am happy that I can relax and take a day off from studying start tomorrow again strong and help my friend with the company. I can open up the application process for my internship which I will do, the prof already sent me the topic. I can't tell how much I love this guy, I swear to god I am going to cry again out of happiness and thankfulness. Next: I gained some shoulders for some weird reason, I thought I'd gain more muscels i eat approx. 20 - 40 g protein after I worked out I sweat a lot during the exercises they are cardio based/strength/explosive based contrast workout the method is called. I look like a gay wuss, but that is okay with me. The more authentic people appreciate it, so they don't look all to ridiculous some just want to work it that's it. Also, I sometimes I can't tell if you can trust my vibes or not, and some people are just dumb. Like bro, i am not stealing your headphones because I am working out next to them. I will go back by train and pack some stuff with me, and read while I am in the train i can't read wilbers book it's to big and reading some cracky Martin Ball ( Ti User) book with mandelbrot number fractels is a bit to freaky. I'll continue reading the book about the red queen theory. I am sort of bored, but I am just happy to write something and sleep in my cushy bed today, instead of some old stinky matress from the dorm. I like the dorm room though, I can work a lot better here. One thing about consertives I like, they are quiet. Thank you for that.

@Pilgrim A friend of mine recently went to Las Vegas to fullfill his dream of becoming an actor. He already went there in 2015 and even if he received a couple of jobs and worked as a background actor. He told me there are a lot of opporunity I've never been to Vegas he was in one show and he showed me that I loved it obviously ! But ! He did not have a secure job or a certificat or a degree in something he was just relying on his skills and talents which he has. But he has no financial means to fullfill his dream or a degree for instance to simply have the connections to other in this creative field. So, he did not succeed. 6 months is a small period of time considering that humans live quiet long and have a life time ahead of you assuming your are not 60 or so! The best bet imo you can make is to be strategic about it. Learning a lot of stage orange techniques, ideas or concepts about time management, success, planning or project mangament systems etc. Yet, when you feel or intuit that the work you are currently doing is not it. And you want to find your why or already found it this is also great ! You can take the time and search for your why incase I understand correctly and for instance journal or write about why you want to pursue an endeavour and keep creating this meaning for you by taking action ! This is the most important part, you could do. Also, if you like CMS and you can do something creative with it that is also a fantastic way for some creative project. The point is you can only know what is right for you or not, taking some time off and going to a park or cycling, meditating, anything that could create some creative space for solitary thinking is a great way to find some true reasons, meaning, intention or motivation. Especially as an introverted person. For e.g I like and love to observe and just watch non-judgementally, so I love bike rides going out into nature and moving towards a destination, eating an ice there and go back home while I enjoy the small tour and the ice cream there. Other people also invoce incentives for thinking about what I want etc. Sometimes I like to go outside with my bike and read a book by some small creek or river. ( I rarely can do this atm) Also speaking from my personal example the more disciplined I become the more freedom I have if I pursue what I want to do. So, I generate a lot of meaning and a feeling of accomplishment and moving forward, also freedom for myself. This is also awesome if you can share this with others who are open. The best thing is that you know your why ! Many people don't know this and just end in the meaninglessly chopping away at some menial job, and they could actually achieve more regardless which endeavour. (I am still somewhere in the midst of that). The be strategic and judicious about it is a safe risk you can take without causing to many setbacks. I personally don't think quitting is good in this situation. The certificat could open also new doors potentially, or be a security measure for preventing for e.g financial setbacks (even part-time) which would prevent you from following your creative pursuits. Going all-in in a creative endeavour without any security or degree is risky. I like your approach but, I figure who am I to talk about such things. Hope this is somehow helpful.

Note to me: Don't forget the new coach.I don't think I can find better information abot PD than from him in a very pratical sense. He reads wilber and meditates since he is very young is a coach for decades etc. I think this is true tourquise approach guessing someones spiritual progress is a bit more difficult I hope this well be easier when I can reach no-self.

Okay, the exam was fine. I did very well in some sense, that exam was very easy compared to other exams. I took the time to correct my handwritting since it is not very readable. I forgot one thing and potentially have one aspect wrong that I attributed to the thing I forgot. The examples at the end I hope they are fine. Also the explainations about two things where I only used common sense, because I did not write that down during the last class, But I described what it does partially correct, I did not name one main point that I knew but is asked in the definition of the script. I hope my prudent answer is enough. No sarcasm intended. Anyway it's a pass an a good mark I assume at least. Otherwise I am happy for now, but I still have the programming project due till next week, I hope I can get it done if yes. I have 8 months of coding ahead of me in one single topic!! And a new found proclivity to working hard after the kriya experience, I don't feel as much pain anymore and my body feels a bit surreal. But that is a different discussion. I hope I passed the other test, so I don't see web-based programming anymore. I dislike it a lot, I don't know why, some aspects are interesting but most of it is. Design and I often don't like to be put into sterotypes not at all. Since, https://quiz.gretchenrubin.com/ It's a pop quizz but I like stuff like this. I can't find the test which as scientifically validated and based on color... https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/how-accurate-are-personality-tests/ https://www.nytimes.com/2009/02/06/health/06iht-color.1.19983382.html (Performance and colors)

I am a bit nervous before the exam I am just cooking tea and I am up since 6. After this exam I will meditate and then workout and go back to my home town, do the laundry anddd tea. In the inner engeneering course sadghuru said to not drink tea that is made out of tea leaves beacuse it is a stimulant for the nervous system. I definitely drink a lot I already drank 1.5 liter and now another 1.5 liter, more than 10 cups is bad, because of the caffeine amount contained. Or rather the flavonid catechin. Otherwise I notice I am so freaking calm, this and binaural beats while studying + meditation is a true wood chooper method to continue chopping / chipping away at a problem etc. Now, before I write to much. There are some things that I have to take care of otherwise the internship will not work, besides that everything is set in stone. Don't fking tell me why I know all of these idioms although I did not speak english besides 4 words till I was 10 or so and started learning english in the 5 grade. This has been a huge trigger point and partially still is, I see now how different my english is and how my subconscious work, just because I was exposed and exposed myself a lot to the english language. Anyway, before I text more. I am done.

Not sure what to write about: I usually wrote two post as a new accountability structure using the mobile phone for working out is great as an accountability partner. I used instagram first as a tool for accountability, nowadays I can depend more on technology than people and their promises and efforts. It's very weird I feel I can especially be deceited by americans I don't know why, but it's something that confuses me but at the same time. They are often just shit talkers. So, that is what people say here with a strong american population for a German city. Anyway, I took a picture of my accountability board and I did deep work sessions meaning for me 2 consecutive study sessions in total 2h. As a habit. These sessions work great, it similar to a retreat from the duration a bit longer. But, thanks to meditation I am getting used to this. I definitely want to talk to shinzen again and ask him a few things more related to live in general as to practice. I find Shinzen way to inspiring the new video from him is fantastic, his neuroanatomy is on point . The laughter in the crowd was just genius. Anyway, I am quite tired from studying again the whole day, but I was already so tired for no real reason I had 7h30 of sleep and I meditated today for 1h and 40 min. After the exam I wanted to meditate and to be calm again, to tackle the new study session. I still have some dark thoughts but they are mostly around the type of stuff that I type. It's been worse, my internal chatter has dramatically been reduced. But, I guess american don't really get secular values that much. Same as for Germans with self-expressiveness. Nations etc. I do feel Green is on the rise by seeing more international students and students of color, it will be a bit more difficult to deny this topic. But, what do I know ? I've read a bunch of stuff and read the biography of mk and malcolm x sometime ago. I am though happy that I study, I am not interested to deal with lowbrow, unconsciouness in people just because they are more of them at the bottom. I keep thinking about my GPA it's still in the range of doing a masters at a very good uni, but at the sametime. They just apparently rated this on in the top 10, if someone can explain this to me, this would be great. Some professors are more than excellent, but ... there are just two fking assholes hiding inside their dumb bunker. Anyway, I am happy I don't use much social media. I pretty much only use this and youtube and I started using IG this year. Besides that whatsapp and I passed one project which does not give me a grade though and was rather easy, so that is the good thing about today. My nootropics have been taken into "custody" I am to tired at the moment to google words and I have to pick them up, at the customs house and pay. I don't think I'll order again out of america and order from the british seller there is one in spain but, they have not the products that I am searching for atm. Anything else ? Yes, I want to do my fking masters and get this other project done, so I can work on things I enjoy more and fking chop wood and carry water, and meditate and study and that is it. I don't care much about anything besides studying, meditation and working out and friendships I don't want to make a list. I definitely have some more time, so I can tackle the project that I finished with speed reading and pick that up again and do a one week speed reading exercises and finally get to my restructuring. Planning weeks and reading the book I bought on productivity will be ideal, also creating a reading plan, both for bed and on sundays. I just hope I passed the dumb exam and can move on I've talked about it with my mom today and in retreospect she said it did not sound all to bad. I said the same in my post, but I can't tell. It can be hit or miss. Fking english

@kieranperez I see a principle as a guideline or a prime directive/credo. That has a function. For e.g pareto principle of the 80/20 rule. Or 7 principles of success(habit) for e.g seek first to understand then to be understood. A value is something that is internally meaningful to me for e.g curiosity therefore acting out without knowing that I do it I feel happy. When I know I feel pleasent and in "aligment". (for Green/purple talk) A principle is something more abstract that has no meaning to me or value but could generate both. A value is something I internally cherish and want to abide by, the same with a principle but, a principle is more abstract for me and has it's function. It's a credo or prime directive in which I can achieve what I want since for e.g it has been tested or is common wisdom. Which can become common pratice. The point with a nihilsitc perspective is that, it does not matter. Since I create or abide by principles anyway and therefore I can also just create it to fullfill the need of meaning. With a reference to Maslow. Checking Sussan Cook Greuters Work (Recommended by Ken also) is a great tool to see the self and his or her inherent intrapersonal relationship with it self. For e.g a high level acts on meaning creation rather than nihilism. With paradoxes and contradictions skimming the paper is a good tool imo.

I don't know if I passed the test or not I can't tell sometimes I found math classes and statistics, java and even c++ easier then. PHP and JDBC, JSP and Java, Javascript /HTML /JSTL I tend to struggle with these especially PHP since high school. I don't know why. I don't feel much because green tea as a stimulant just gives me a light buzz, so I don't become as stressed as usual. One thing I said approx a billion times is that I am going to kill myself when I don't have a bachelors at least. I still don't like the game of playing with humanity when I don't succeed... I don't know if I am going to do smth. like this or not. But I don't want to live with an income that does not let me do what I want. Tomorrow will be the easier test. I don't feel to bad about this exam but also not very good at all. I hope I pass and can do things that interest me more. The Professor is very nice and the test was fair. Yet, I never really studied I feel that I am doing everything wrong and this major is not all to difficult but also not as easy as others. I don't know to much ambiguity is horrible. Conflating everything in one major is dumb. One for all solutions are shit. I can't tell I just hope I passed and I never see this type of programming again in this context. I don't like PHP I study for it but it never turned out well everything else is good. But PHP is just bad. I wanted to re-strategize even reading the books about happiness gave me insights, but with the opportunities I can take and all of that. It's my fault for not doing the exercise I found them to difficult, there is no partner because 3 ppl where in my exercise class and they also did nothing. Enviroment surely does jave an impact I did exercises 1-3, and 5 and 6 that is it out of 12. I tend to get down on myself blame my intelligence etc. And a lot of shit happend. They did not let me take the course that I wanted I wasted 1 month studying for a class that I was not able to take. I took a voluntary project which costed me 3-5 weekends and also another course I studied for but was not allowed to take. I hate bureocratic people, cold hearted hitlers with a sense of duty. At least they can keep their status quo. That is all they care about, no compassion only politeness. The compassionate people depend to much on others and the more balanced ones either have a group or are all alone and overwhelemd. I really don't feel to bad. But I don't get my lazyness hearing this word sometimes triggers me because it is full of prejudice and racially laden, thanks to some german Auswanderer and others. Sometimes I still don't feel that I am an adult and I waste my life as a man-child. Even though I am working on this. I changed a lot but not enough. I still dislike my upbringing and want a baseball bat for white privileged fk kids. I took the wrong approach to studying again. It's somehow has been like this 2 years good in school 2 years bad and the same pattern again. I had troubles with my arrogance since nobody respected my superiority in a classical sense, literally iq, strength, height, speed, all of this ape shit. Which is important for apes I felt denigrated from my family never recognizing anything because they are not as smart as I am. I was bored to death with them, my mom is one of the most uninteresting persons to talk to. I can speak about 45min or more about something I like and she is not possible to be captivated because she is stubborn as fk. Working etc. I can't tell I am slightly annoyed again by they way live has unfolded for me and I overburdend myself and never where allowed to test my limits. Read about psychology first if anyone wants to leave a comment. Because I grew up without a father, which most men report having the most significant experiences with. Also, look up the statistics if you have two parents in a first world country u are basically priviliged for me. I never know my limits women react offensive to tests small male kids give them. I also think courts etc are way to biased. I talked with the political science major about this subject. I don't neccesarily think single moms should raise single male kids. It does not really work. Changes take longer because of all of these reasons above some guy form haiti with two parents could have less conditioned struggle and grow a lot faster. But now I am making assumptions enough for now.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q3o-l1LVNgw Same on pc.