ValiantSalvatore

Meditation: Today my meditation was very bad, it was quite odd again I am using a guided meditation for now to see if I can push 1h and 15 minutes, but I feel like I am loosing my mind, I cried two or three times and lied down on my bed to continue to meditate. Thoughts of self-pity which I feel has been bestowed upon myself from others, because of their false perception of me, because I am an intuitive introvert, and all they see is the outside of things and the emotional sides, what is being invented or constructed in my mind or others is completely forgotten, they don't see their own dogma or ideaology or make up in order and overlook the obvious, not everything is as real as it seems, as well as not everything is at it is. I had weird thoughs about my father which I normally don't have and felt extremely vulnerable, I want to regard this as good and not to demonize and hide it like other men, to seem though or manliy, at the same time vulnerability costs me sanity, it sometimes hurts so much I don't know how to take it besides crying or screaming, I know now this can be part of kriyas if it were only emotionally it would be fine, but my cerbellum runs rampant or another part of my brain, there is so much stirring and movement of "impermanence" I do enjoy it, but sometimes it is just to much. Today I really felt like a looser a good for nothing, without any external achievements, extremely feminim, and depressive this flavour in my solar plexus again, even if I had the kriya experience there, made me feel depressive which I had a couple of years and months ago, so I was never sure this was the cause, I do prevent depressive symptons through sports, vitamin d, c, and meditation. I lack social interactions, especially as a programmer when I sit in front of the computer for hours and talking to others is a distraction, I feel the value of a family comes back, since there is no transaction involved in needing or having to give something in order to maintain a friendship. Of course not everything needs to be taken for granted, effort is important. Yet, sometimes I question all of my meditation progress my approach, my motivation, etc and old thoughts and doubts come back and hit me very hard, where I think I want to die, I just want to feel happy and good, I know this is not possible for ever, yet I barely have positive memories of things. I was also not a gloomy child or anything like that, tbh I was the complete opposite, denying that enviroment has no influence is complete bollox, this is how hitler won the elections in the first place. I am quite sensitive to my enviroment espeically when I feel vulnerable, I somehow transmuted this in the past to me openness and pain tolerance, but now I feel again very sensitive, the guided meditation is about metta, I never felt any loving feelings towards my mother or my family, I do to my father but I did not see him in over 10+ years, which makes me feel like I could cry again. I don't like modernism, all of this trash caused the disruption of families, but actually not it was post-modern freedom. Anyway, there is much hatred and resentment inside of me, I did not even know that there seems to be so much more. All of this stemming from my life style choices, choices in the past and potentially chemicals and what ever. Now, that things are working out well again, I feel depressive I don't know why, this happens so often. I can't seem to find a pattern besides that old wounds keep combing back in periods of silence and where things are going well. I slept today for 10h for no particular reason, I don't know if this is because I barely have social contacts, I don't know what to do about this anymore and it makes me feel very vulnerable, from time to time. Same thing is when I hang out with people to much I become depressive, I feel I am really built to have an introverted partner, so we can leave each other alone enough and have hobbies and such. I like to socialize even more than most introverts, but I like it in small segments socializing to long and to often, is taxing. But also sometimes good because I can retreat for weeks than without having social interactions. But tbh I wrote 8 volumes of journals about all kinds of shit, not including this one as well as my digital journal. I am a bit tired of self-knowledge and I don't know very well how to deal with pain, or what exercise could improve my life. I can't stand living a life where not every stage of maslows is fullfilled I can't stand this region, I don't particularly like humans in general. Even though I also love them, but all of this is dualistic, I really can't tell I've meet one person so far that understood me, or where I felt understood and as soon as we things where getting complicated, she stopped doing it in an heart felt way, I don't like to be stuck to one place, I want to cry and move on and see different places and such. I don't like conservative people even if I don't have anything against them, heck I even meet a nazi and "befriended" him with him calling me the n-word because I knew that he was less racist than the average white guy, partially, of course he was extrem, but it was all conditioning nothing really stemmed from real hatred, anger, or racial ideas, It was just conditioning because of his parents, they were racist he was just a normal guy. Anyway, I will write down my structure now and follow it for the week to come.

@cetus56 Sorry! , the comment was so short my mind and body immediately felt malicous intent. I saw the change now. I did not know that! That is quite cool.

@cetus56 Are you serious or rather annoyed by my post ?

I've watched mantak chia on this topic he explains that melationin will change into dmt if you sit for to long in the dark you can start to see visions of things. (IIRC 7 days should have been the mark or so for the dmt release) I don't know how intense it is someone wrote me he left after 4 days, because the sounds scared him. He tried LSD and such. I've never done them, but looked into them. Mostly because of financial reasons.

As a side note annica or impermanence helps to move from stage 7 to 8. This is also explained in the mind illuminated.

Alright tomorrow will be my first weekend back at the dorm, I went to the gym and did my workout. today was a longer workout it takes sometime to change the position of the pole, so I am not yet there with a good workout routine I am just following a guide. I am in week 7 of the coach and genereally feel very healthy afterwards and meditative even. Meditating after a workout actives the flavour of impermanence more intensely, yet I am not aware of expansion of contraction, if you are aware of expansion and contraction that is riding the ox backwards. Somehwhere around the casual / non-dual stage. I assume in state-stages as an vantage point. Now, the internship is quite cool the prof, responds quickly and I can ask him, he does not hesitate to skype and to explain details which are important as well as he is open for the internship and takes the whole project back to the university. I do hope I can also gain some contacts to Berlin since this is one place where I want to live, I love big cities and people and enjoy the heros journey when I get older I can go back, yet retirement plans etc. Are all necessary at one point, yet I will worry about stuff like this after my studies. Now, what else do I want to write about ? Meditation Books Structure Reflection of internal talk Freedom Plans Leo's teachings Politics THE CAT OUTSIDE !!! ( JP even has a principle to pat a cat when you see one) Let's take structure since this is the most important thing, I keep getting tired in the morning I tracked my sleep for a couple of months and yes I wanted to look for a ring, I'll plan the gym and workout, food research on sunday, and will start planning my week tomorrow morning, next weekend will be the retreat so, I'll schedule something cool or relaxing in between, or go for a walk and meditate I still struggle to meditate longer than 6h it's feasable actually shinzens reatreats are 8h segments 4h each on sunday and saturday and 4 on friday. But with an one hour break between each segment. Now, what I will do is sleep without an alarm and find my magic number of sleep, tracking my sleep was okay, but I wanted to try polyphasic sleep or biphasic sleep which did not workout, I am not trained in it or can dive into sleepiness and penetrate it with consciousness. So, I can adjust my plan a bit more I am so tired in the morning even with vitamin c, vitamin d, supplements, yet I also turned off the bluefitler on my laptop I will active it, the app bugs out sometimes, therefore it's a bit tedious to use it. I just forget that it's not on and than I complain. Otherwise I will implement the structure contemplate and ideally read the book about productivity I bought, I don't want to work myself to death, mastery, discipline and a very good structure that is stable is important. I do regard Leo's advice he gave to me as valid I want consciouness, peace, joy and health. Especially, health since I lived quite unhealthy and consciouness since I was not very conscious, but always somehow on a path higher than others. If you want to believe it or not. So, that is it. I still want to do proper hatha-yoga, but stretching feels like the devil. I like the word devil now, actually I hated it since I am from the south from both countries lol.

@Leo Gura I know this, yet I don't want to dismiss the advice of how a 10 min quality sit in addition to 1h can increase the quality of the sit itself. That is why I am curious for e.g Shinzen gives the advice 10 minutes, Culadasa gives the advice a minimum of 45minutes or one hour more, similar to what you adviced or was somehow implicit. I am not projecting. I do understand that quality concentration, equanimity or sensory clarity plays a role. Or the quality of annica / impermanence. Jhanas etc. or samadhi experiences. I was just curious about "loose averages" so I could adjust myself to the amount of meditation where people receive results which seems to be 90 minutes. I notice when I pratice in daily life that it becomes mechnical, a good trip could give me some insights, but the doors are closed for now. The meditation itself is not that mechnical even if they techniques are. The modality of the technique works fine, it is not to mechnical for me besides daily life, but I figure this is part of the process. What do you think is a good amount of time to meditate when you say 1h is usually not enough ? I feel 90 min sits and ocassionally longer on the weekend with retreats could work out. For e.g 2-3h sits on sunday and a minimum of 14 days a year of retreats, ideally some trips if feasible.

@Leo Gura How long do you recommend to meditate each day? I notice that 1h is great, yet somehow not enough. Culadasa and Shinzen give similar advice at least 14 days a year and a minimum of 1h, and ideally to sit beyond 1h. I want to go for 90mins sessions, to reach no self, some seem to be getting results here on the forum as well as others who train with shinzen.

Alright I am at the internship and will try to do two posts a day again since this keeps my accountable. Today I will test the product a bit more and see if I can do anything with it for now because the app the professor recommended does not work, I can't use it fully and connect the scale their, also the scale as a rating that is not very good. I am not that interested in material but I want to learn to love material stuff, more which I notice when I work towards something and earn it I enjoy it and can easily let go, since this has not been a very active theme in my life. Now my meditation today was 1h I tried 1h and 15 mins but I am so tired the tiredness becomes pleasant, and I still struggle with posture because of my self-acceptance habits, I could not even sit for 2 minutes at the beginning, now I can usually sit 45min without moving but I sit an hour. I also sat longer but, I somehow struggle here, sometimes the tiredness turns into jhanas or something so deep I can't hold it I just loose consciousness and my body swings backwards like I receive a knock and fall. I have this often when I do the do-nothing technique but I want to do a guided meditation by shinzen for 1 week before I attend his retreat the next weekend. I don't know I currently feel that I don't enjoy live I want to move from this region it is not inspiring, it's not hectic, it's not exciting it does not feel like an adventure it's just some plain old place to get old. Being young this is not the place to be and experience live, you can get a decent job and get married and such. But, 99% of these people are unconscious same thing Culadasa says or some other teacher.

First day internship. I am on my phone I am quiet tired and will go to bed soon and read a bit, what I've been doing today is: "internship, meditate, wash dishes". The internship is and is not what I expected I am left on my own can come when I want and receive minor support. There currently is no other programmer whom I could ask things from time to time. I knoe what my task is, still the product the prof bought and I tested most time of the day is not good. He gave me some code to github and I will work around this, I am still clueless, the most important thing I learned is from the last project. Start and don't understand! I have a bad proclivitiy to wanting to understand stuff first to much. I want to do fail and learn, q and a. Otherwise the German state released my nootropics, stating I can have them. Mr Cum i thank you that was the guys shirt who worked at the "customs office". A true hero, the one and only Mr Cum. 1984 lässt grüßen. Things are moving in a positive direction besides the financial aspect, yet I am a student. So, no worries. My meditation session today swung me right into jhanas or pleasure jhana of illuminous jhana or so it's called. I do assume that I am on stage 7 low to mid from Culadadas scale. This just showed me jhanas and samadhis are different I want to look that up. But first implement the structure tomorrow, I will write down the plan physical tomorrow night today I was tired and this is good for getting back to my sleeping routine.

@RendHeaven According to the books people are moving into that direction, because of mass immigration problems, the dircet democracy in Switzerland is a system which is ruled by the collective as well as by the individual. Not sure how the system looks like in nordic countries. It goes way deeper than what you say. The collective adjust to the highest SD lvl. There is a tipping point at 10%. IIRC. It is possible even if people don't know their stage, they could be quite high without knowing it because a healthy collective would enforce that. Some collective are just more healthy than others look at a Green city or university.

@Chi_ That is awesome ! I love the vibe Berlin apparently has but never been there. Yes, I saw the same problem while I did a retreat and everyone spoke either french,german or english, one of these, a mixture or all of them. I "mapped" someone blue who was strong green and had an engineering degree because his english was just not good or not present at all. From answering the questions here I would advocate for every Ken Wilber audiobook which is spoken by him, this clears up a lot of confusion. Someone asked me where to study in Germany, and I adviced him not to go to my region neccesarily, there are other options which could be way more prolific, checking, planning to live in another city even just hypothetically is a good idea. Cheking wikis, appartments, blogs, youtubers, job markets etc. Depending on the situation..

Yes, this is also very good and a great idea! , I looked into each state here in Germany to try to determine which state is the most progressive or rather who votes for who or whom. And I could see which state has allocated a certain amount of seats out of a pool of seats for each party. So, 100 seats, 10 parties for e.g 10 seats for each party etc. Generally the south of Germany is quite Green the rest is mixed, the state next to mine is the most Green by far, and everyone knows this, it's not a secret. The same goes for Berlin+. Yet, I checking upon a city with the knowledge about spiral dynamics should suffice to determine which stage a city is at. No one is at one stage, it's a spiral it goes upwards and downwards, also 33% you operate from the stage you are at 33% below and 33% above. As classic side note. Checking wiki and seeing for e.g if possible which political party they vote for, if the city has some historical aspects which are highlighted that are extra extra ordinary and scream progressivness, that is a good sign. As well as political party votes etc. My state for instance is quite conservative which is clearly evident, besides one or two cities. It's not Germany, I'll say that gladly.

Don Beck mentioned almost 20 years ago that it is be a growing center of yellow people (Berlin and Paris), I've found some niche friends who are quite yellow. So, yes Berlin could be quite Green, yet I am not sure how much cultural barriers play a role because of language differenes, so a lot of people could be yellow, and don't know it, since they do not have the framework, yet also the city has the repute of being very progressive. I have not been there, yet I prefer living at a destination for sometime, not to travel. I love travelling though. Some friends of mine who are Green/yellow live their and are quite independent, that is why I am curious, I'll definitely put my hand in the fire even if I've never been to Berlin. Not for pure consciouness or spirial dynamic aspects, but for the progressiveness and history of the city alone. (Besides their airport)

@Leo Gura Thanks for the reply and in-depth answer, I'll definitely tinker around and combine it with yoga. I did not experience anything which I could say is the Truth with a capital T, so I can't quite grasp why, but that is okay. I'll definitely observe Truth and Shinzen when I do more, and also other psychdelics, yet ... that could take some time for now. I am very interested on what shinzen would say about power releams and machine elves stuff like this, because he was trained in the esoteric tradition of japanese vajrayana, anyway his descriptions of it sound quite "culty", but I somehow intuit that he would not necessarily reveal what it could mean, because of his training or potentially for some other reason. I could also be wrong. Or I am wrong. But that is very good to know if things are partially that unclear I can just practice what works.... if most things work anyway... Thank you again for the answer.

I am back now at the dorm and will start to implement the structure tomorrow morning, yet first tomorrow will just be an ordinary day, I want to clean up my room entierly here and just workout tomorrow and schedule a week, so the structure is written down on paper and I can follow through. I will see what the internship tomorrows entails, exactly since I did not reach out for the professor out of laziness, my hometown is not benefitting me, the longer I stay there the worse it get's living with my parents is also not inspiring boring, not adventerous and takes the fun out of growth. The times I grew the most was when I lived on my own, other things I wanted to reflect about. Leo's conscious politics episodes, I can't recall anymore what Leo said and what the last episode was about, what I generally thought so far is that I want to be part of an organisation and that I "basically" have to infiltrate the organization and evoke change if I want to cause change, I definitely want to work on reading first. My workout habit is stable. So, I gain more knowledge it is very important for me to know things it is essentially the essence of yellow survival. It is like sadghuru says, you've read a book and now you are ahead of me. That is especially what I want to do with coding and the coding pratice, I've found some excellent YouTube channels which teach the processes of getting hired for google etc. Yet, I always liked business and I want to see what I can code, which I could potentially sell, in the next couple of years. And learn as much as I can about the industry and finance, finance will be a topic 2020, I've listend to the audiobook rich dad poor dad, and had advanced courses in economics, so I am no stranger, but it certainly missed the pratical side of things and the inner game. Now, what I meant with conscious politics is if things are corrupt, and I can change corruption, yet I also want to change things which are corrupt inside myself first, reading the 48 laws of power is a good start. The same goes for shadow work and meditation, yet what I want to spefically work on is self-esteem, since I can be arrogant sometimes, and I learned to enjoy it not deny it which is quite counter-intuitive, sometimes it's not even arrogance but reason.. Which can be arrogant. Also, if everything works out perfectly I could even participate in some political group and gain first hand insights, the point is I have to adjust to their ideas, and I can become swayed by emotions. Also, I want to stop seeing things as corropt things are the way they are and I can work on changing them, knowledge is required people are required, yet sometimes I think am I just fooling myself ? Why do I even enjoy politics ? I am just fascinated by people and value structures and sociology, psychology and such. The lecture the user Elizabeth posted was great, yet somehow my intuition tells me you don't need to read this or watch this, not sure. Tomorrow the restructuring will begin and I am happy that I am as productive as never before since my kriya experience Paul Check is a fking awesome coach he even validated what I researched in his new video about chakras. I bought the home pratice programm retreat for next weekend and applied for the scholoar ship, I am definitely back here and will get start slowly but fairly quickly back into working mode, this time more structured and more driven. Lesson that I seem to have to learn Control and Self-Control I want to watch Leo's video on that. For now implement the strucutre and think about your time usage.

@Hampus Audible a quick google search should suffice for the books. The Audiobook and the books are from the same author.

Yes, I mentioned yellow cities I don't know if tourquise cities exist yet. Some larger ashrams or movments potentially. And countries moving to yellow. No country is solidly yellow yet, yet I would place my bets on switzerland because of their political system.

Berlin, Paris and Switzerland potentially some nordic countries are mentioned. In the audiobook as well as the books themselves IIRC. But Berlin and Paris definitely. I've been to Paris a couple of times, but I don't speak french.

@Aeris That what I did with psychdelics. Which lead to the deepest experience. I just ate fruit and walked around in my home, listening to audiobooks, meditating and listening to music. The meditation part for a couple of hours similar to a retreat structure was insane, I had so many insights and wanted to sit for hours, no technique worked. But it was still just some beginning. Having a proper structure and setting works wonders, meditation also especially if you are sensetive to sound, which I am very attuned to, so binaural beats and deep, shamanic meditative music can drive meditation sessions under the influence of psychdelics very deep, if one just sits.

@Aeris It's fine I am used to projections they are mostly false and lead the the collective unconscious, I am sarcastically grateful for that. I've tried various psychdelics or derivates of them over the span of a year. With different insights which make (for e.g time and space cloapses etc.) sense now, when reading upon jhanas etc. I enjoy and love the path of mastery I've read the books around it and listened also to audiobooks, talks etc. I notice I want to meditate the as long as I can under the influence of LSD, darkness and such is fine, music, pen and paper, a journal etc. I did most of this, yet LSD is also limited ? Accessing a third tier is different from second tier. Mastery and hard work, discipline and diligence are even stage blue aspects. I've listned to this stuff before Leo introduced it that is why I was so hyped, same for the politics section. I can't get more synchronicities or I seriously turn into a lunatic. I am a bit critical with advice I've read so much about "life" and life adivces etc. I've learned to discern what I can apply and what fits in the current situation. Structure is more important than content, if I can't structure my day to sit down properly and meditate a MINIMUM of 1h a day, then how can I gain results. That is like studying for 1h instead of 3. At one point motivation and effort does matter. That is why a structured days is important, pure chaos can be a devil, at one point all the advice comes back, like a boomerang and you'll be able to catch it. I am still a newb with psychdelics, and not as advanced as Leo or Martin Ball or other members on the forum. My enviroment certainly does not give me access, this literally is the dark ages here.

@Aeris I tried LSD 20+ times, I've seen beyond. But not enough I only licked the tail of the ox, and enlightenment is a many facetted jewel. The stuff Leo and other memebers talk about is far away, I appreciate your words. The point is I've had enough glimpses but I want something radical. So, yes pratice makes perfect I love to perform actually, so I'll shot for a betterment of my practice. No-self should be possible within a year permanent. But this could also be far-fetched, I appreciate what Leo says and implement the advice as well as I can. Now is the perfect time, I just took some time of to enjoy myself and now I have the goals that I want in mind a plan etc. And even a couple of people to talk to. I want to get my hands on 5-MeO to truley understand what Leo is teaching, I am not talented to understand it naturally in an instant I would need to pratice, which is what I am doing, yet I would also not deny inclinations, but I am certainly not on the talented scale of things. I've also never meet a person in real life who get's enlightenment experiences in two days or so, I had som glimpses at the beginning but I was to unconscious to hold on to it, some where just precursors to kriya experiences. I've also gained some knowledge around 5th, 6th, 4th dimension and stuff like this online, but I currently treat it just as a framework. I am still studying all of this, but not thoroughly enoug yet.

@mandyjw You can work towards specific realizations some things work for one some don't. Not every path leads to "no path" no path is the goal I assume of non-duality being one with the manifest and unmanifest of every level form, formlesness, no self etc. This is what I mean with it get's nuanced. The methaphor is nice and I appreciate it, yet it does not answer my questions at all. You can hear the sound you brain changing when I sit down to meditate I do hear that, from the very get go I was wondering this that is why I am asking which pratices help in that regard. If I would want a pathless path I could do do-nothing and enjoy the ride, but right now right effort seems more approriate. I've seen some aspects of love through the use of psychdelics which I did not talk about, since it was more compassion based. So, I am curious what Leo thinks about other teachers and their realizations and techniques, so I don't work towards something which proves to be futile. You could work if you want to to a formless path, a non-dual centric path, techniques that focus on reaching the first stage of enlightenment or techniques that focus on embodiement. So, yes there is no path and there is no specific technique most likely that works "across the board". Some could be work better across the board depending which parameters one defines, for e.g zen works across the board very well for me. But I wanted to know something specific I don't have any problems with a big picture overview about path and paths and map territoriy aspects in the grand scheme of things..... Yet, I am curious what is absolute since I've never realized something like this potentially slightly.

@Leo Gura What kind of truth does he not understand ? He often mentions that it goes deeper and deeper so I can understand from a relative perspective or his point of view that absolute truth does not exist. I can imagine what non-duality should feel like from reading descriptions it's a bit easier than imagining formlessness or even no-self. Yet, most teachers I assume say "it goes deeper and deeper", yet I can also see that through the use of psychdelics and hardcore meditation, and diligence that one is able to dive deeper, which I never hear anyone talk about besides you. The point is when I listen to the advice from you about self-deception which I mostly utilize and I cry 10 times or so watching a video from you and it's very different from casual emotions, and more aligned with higher insights,truth etc. The same goes for sadghuru and shinzen. So, it's a bit confusing that "higher" emotions, which are not necessarily self-deceptive, and don't feel like it point to something, which I can't quite grasp. BUT! What I want to say is this. Who do you think emobdies and understands truth to the deepest level currently on the planet ? Who do you think emobdies and understands love to the deepest level currently on the planet ? What pratices are worth training from what you currently perceive to reach the deepest level ? I tried most techniques I've found and the ones recommended by you (besides kriya yoga) I don't really have a preference I get results with most of them, I just need to "up" my practice, which I am shooting for in the near future. I also receive the results described, I've been mostly practicing mindfulness and do-nothing. Also a fair amount of people receive real results from shinzen techniques, most join after praticing other techniques for years and they don't sound deep and shinzens advice does not sound all to deep then, and they don't talk about jhanas, power releams, enlightenment stages or insights, but mostly some life relevant matter about practice. I know the thread is mostly about talent and effort + right effort, motivation, openmindeness and having a strong desire for truth and to contrast or juxtapose talent and effort literally. I don't deny that there are talented people, that past lives or I don't know if that even exist future lives matter. My point is what techniques regardless of differences generally yield tangible results ? And is it wise to train for e.g long with shinzens techniques when there are deeper truth to be realized ? Is that even possible with certain techniques ? Or is altering the physiology than the case ? What pratices change neurotransmitters to access deep layers of consciouness, what neurotransmitters even change or is that rather something not to be shared ? I mean I know that (5-meo dmt) and dmt can be produced naturally, yet no other neurotransmitter alike that would help with gaining insights into the nature of love, truth, illusion, power, god, or more nuanced factors, like empathy, compassion, self-deception or other negative examples. I notice I could read more upon buddhism to understand all of this since this is getting very nuanced.

The model is also biased to men. Carol Gilligan corrected that.