ValiantSalvatore

Okay, I finally got to my journal for now otherwise it will be to late. I definitely got distracted today by the forum, posting HC stuff. Otherwise a short more or less performance reflection. At the internship I was not able to get anything done, because I was stuck in their "meeting" but I could have just left, still I am a bit scared to assert myself when my position is safe, I could do it I know the principles (some of them) of being assertive and the body language also, so I am using that. Yet, I become very vulnerable, so this takes some courage from my side which I'd like to work on. I'd love to have some couragous friends. Otherwise, restructuring my appartement, I want to order my books my size and content instead of having them in the shelf they are quite a few not to many to say I am a bookworm or anything like that but enough to impress one person from my major. 50-60 books or so I did not read all of them. I am more of an audiobook junkie, since there are more opportunities to listen to that with the flexiblity that I am demanded to display because of the freaking hill and living alone. I do not have a lucky occasion where my roommate cooked some food like my old roomate in China did, so I can't do that. I will review the intention tomorrow for the programming habit and start just by tracking it again and reading the process. This is important I still strugle with priorities. The root cause are my routines and habits, my vision and my life purpose as well as my living situation etc. I schedule my week and or day often, not daily because my situation is so lax, that I am not required technically to do any of this. I still want to do it. I wrote down my monthly "appointments" and "arbitary deadlines". I am still a bit clueless as to how to increase my conscientciousness, I figured so far that my enviroment could cue me to be conscientcious. I watched JP's lecture about this a plan is very good and stick to it. That is what I can take out of that without just enjoying a fun and very informative lecture. So, I do have a lot of time, the hour that I am sleeping longer in the morning is killing an early start, therefore I can go to bed later and programm for a hour longer, with the other schedule I can go 1h home earlier ... So... that is that I could talk and talk and talk and talk. HOLY FREAKING ELEPHANTASTIC DEMON TURTLE, I did not invent the demond turtle ! My friend did on the bike ride, I still want to share the fruitloop boat story... Anyway... I will go to bed now and fold all of my "residually left" clothes and order the books in my bookshelf. Root causes that disturbe my programming habit: -> Having to go back home or wanting to go back home just for some water.... no fking joke, it's the best way. -> Not having a clean room -> Not treating it as a nr1 priority as important and urgent -> Not having food prepared and knowing what to eat -> Being distracted by the internet -> Having not a habit that follows it but, I have the tea routine. -> Potentially my orderliness -> Having a lot of social contacts !!! Helps with industriouness, so chat at work ! Chat at the gym ! Chat and take the opportunity to meet people, eat their food, say they have a nice butt, whatever yet get social ! -> Take the future authering programm There are some things that are in my way that are small, I also want to do a shadow work session about small things, small things trigger me more than bigger things according to Eckhart Tolle I would have an inflated ego, and this is partially the case, I wonder what is inside this treasure.

@Zigzag Idiot Yeah, the idea is yours ! I'll share my favorite interviews, I don't know to many people on BatGap potentially others have favorites too and can share them and if people have time they can watch them fully. The Ken Wilber interview is also great.

Sample https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCw1z4NRJrjWwmFT8Jncgvsg There is more he is well-known in self-help because of his book the way of superior men, I enjoyed his book ( in audio format) enlightend sex a lot.

I am currently at the internship I will take my 10 minutes of a so called deep break. What do I want to write about ? Results of the last week. I programmed for 50 mins 4 times after work this week. On the weekend I went cycling and back home. I threw away a bunch of clothes. Came back home and was involved in the usual chaos of my family. I worked out 4 times including the bike ride. So, all in all. It was decent I could have done more, yet I am not very passionate about anything it is very difficult for me when my enviroment does not allow me to follow my natural passions as well as it has been denied by my past behaviour as well as people not supporting me properly. The times where I was supported properly I went through the grind and received good results. Yet, my decision making is no always on top. I do generally make better decisions now and try to execute upon my premonitions, instead of just relying on flukes and hope. I still question if I take enough action. Some people generally have a stronger drive and I am interested in so many topics, this was since I was little. I can reflect upon that 1000x times the point is now. I want to take action regardless of perceived pain or comfort. I do have a very strong confort mentallity still, depending on the situation etc. I am still not used for instance theoretically working 10 hours a day or so is a lot. And I don't know how I can get much done with 8h a day and then pursuing a hobby like working out and then coming back home and eating etc. Preparing food takes time and I simply don't have the money to buy myself a car and drive around or a big enough kitchen. I forgot now over the weekend to take a giant pot with me, because it has been quite hectic. Financial struggle has been a theme that has been running through my life for quite a while. I am still clueless besides receiving education or doing some part-time job etc to deal with that and also mindset etc. Still, my family never took on a financial responsibility to the degree needed. It's tedious and makes people way to comfortable, just having a job. Is pure shit or feeds into comfort mentallity. Or being "little". You go back home, do some tiny stuff you enjoy and don't aim big. Aiming "big" taks a lot of work I never thought I'd have to do, yet at the same time it's not that much. Time is up. The timer will block the website.

I am back from my 60km+ bike ride, it was great I love the scenary around the area of the river Rhine and I just spammed my friend constantly with the stuff I wrote above and retreats and khankia samadhi, I keep thinking when tf is actually one person in my immediate enviroment becoming slightly so interested by the stuff, I swear I can't put more passion into this stuff, yet people are so fking comfortable, they would not even order a prodcut that contains less ingredients and is natural if they can get a good deal for some stuff that has not been tested for instance. Still, they are so driven by dumb Tv and Netflix, true victims of media abuse. In some sense, all of these sterotypes displayed and this modern, toxic, glee type humour and meme humour is utterly unconscious. It's insane how much they can't see their privliege I hope there asses will be moved to Libera where General "Butt Naked" eats their children and starts becoming invisible and gives them suprise butt rapes. Btw, I'll also say that into their face, yet ehh at one point I am radical enough lol. They can't believe even somethings hypothetically that their own self-bias.. yes I am turning into a negative here, is preventing them just from seeing even the possiblities, they did not intergrate feeling and thinking they may know one influences the other, but they have no clue that feeling and thinking happens simulatenously, they also never ate so healthy, that they "cleansed" their own bodies. Even if they are now more post-modern they still lack a lot of "progressivness" especially with animals etc. They still can laugh and make fun out of all the curelty and feel sympathy but not empathy, I don't need to hear your stupid comment fking cry. This is what I don't get by my old friend group, the new peers I attract are way way more open especially for instance at the internship, it's a blessing, I will keep working on everything that works in my life, this is the stuff I know is subtle, yet also I know that I am very sensitve and vulnerable, sometimes I wonder why girls claim "unconsciously" that they are so empathic, when they lack passion. I could ask if I am fooling myself, am I passionate ? I am definitely passionate about growth in general regardless if it is books or meditation, yet I rarely feel anyone who can talk and spam you for fking hours with high intensity energy for a topic, it's rare. Fortunately it is "meditation/enlightenment" I see this as a blessing and want to continue that path, it's insane how deluded they are, they live their lives of their parents even when I tell them that they enjoy it. The couples are even coupled each with their own father/mother personality type which is okay, since they are similar yet sometimes I notice do they notice ??? I question that. I mean is it not boring to see the constant pattern over and over again, of course their parents are very very different. Still, I don't quite get it besides that people are attracted to partners who give them the kind of love they recived as children in some modality. So, that is one thing. Still. ignorance and priviledge is amazing, I could write 2000 novels about white euorpean privileg it's sad that most people became scum, they are not really people that you don't know and can meet, they are known and want to exploit that what is familar. YET AGAIN this region is so different a lot of open-minded people I do think the landscape forms this kind of thinking, which is beautiful, yet I know I am still playing status games to a degree I don't know if this ends somehow, it's somehow a neccesity to keep people from undermining you, so I just do it for "survival" which is still just ridiculous and I let people know that by my vocal tone and intentionallity, I am also very progressive with people who are at the bottom of society, and treat them the same. My best friend is similar in our hometown is so much scum, walking around, that you know at one point what kind of people you want to meet and can enjoy. I am just a bit disaapointed that I can't take them on a journey which has been one of the most adventerous journeys I have undertaken in some sense, exploring ones inner world. I mean I am writing journals for 4 years now and I still have my journals from China all handwritten etc. I wrote 6 or 8 volumes they vary in size, yet I usually wrote around 3-4 months or 4-6 months into one journal at a given time. So, they definitely don't explore their creative, self-expressive, vocal side, their own process of analyzing and coming to conclusions the topics I sort of have to talk with them about are topics that I covered 8 years ago ? 7 ? 6 ? 5? At least I revisted them 3 years ago and from time to time I enjoy talking about them, yet they don't even know the Big-5 they are not interested in psychology, science and stuff like this. I did not even know I like science till I received old insights through LSD, since my school path would have been very different if things would not have been as they have unfolded. So, I could not take the advanced courses I would have chosen , not to mention how I would have been as a persona with growing up with a father, which I did not have. So, I was just left on my own since I can think of anything, and contemplated a lot 99% of the comments I read are just people who never been alone for such a long long long time, that I think. First I think sure I could have used my time better and read a lot of books, instead of playing around on computers and reading articles, browsing on youtube and exploring all kinds of websites on the net. For instance still one of my favorite websites is lonerwolf.com because this is what got me started, also music I am very very big on that, I love it. They took my out of musical school , because they could not explain my emotions to me so I left I could not verablize very well how I feel when my grandma since I come from a 3 generation household keeps partonizing me and she is German imagine that I AM BLACK PARTIAllY imagine that and again IMAGINE THAT she was NOT RACIST THE TINYEST BIT SHE IS A FKING SAVAGE IN A SENSE BUT IGNORANT AS A STUBBORN GIT she had to flee from the war since she was little and her father was mentally not stable after the first and or second world war, so I can understand it logically why she was so weird sometimes and neurotic as fk, still she was a tiny posion dwarf. Yes posion dwarf, a freaking Giftzwerg. This region basically fked her brain up literally, it's unfortunate... I just wish that all of my passions would not have been destroyed by financial struggles, my father being a drunk lazy fk face, my mother being a mole not seeing anything and my Grandma not being so emotionally toxic. My grandpa was apparently a great guy, but he died, when I was 10 or so, so I just saw him dying away each day being weird at me when I came down happy and he actually took care of his brain. Not like my grandma, sometimes I wonder. Why me ? Yet, this victim mentallity does not help, it's rare to find someone to relate, most people don't grow up with their grandparents anymore, also with only their single mom as well as grandma and with a lesbian aunt ( she does not live in our house etc.). All of this post-modern mumbo hitlery I heard since I was 4 or so, I saw their relationships gay people are so normal around me that I can't not understand for instance why people are even so curious, it's the way it is and some people live that way. Still, I never really quite understood them, it was like watching a movie and I was not able to perform in it, since they did not allow me somehow to shine. I never received what I wanted since I could not properly dabble. Sometimes I think, or I'll frame it like this, I almost died at birth and was operate I have a giant scar running near my hip decorating my body. Sometimes I wonder did my mom never really care about all of these incidents ? Or is she just happy that I am breathing and I am alive ? I don't feel it. I don't see it. I don't hear it. Waking up drinking coffe like a fking junky and wine every second day, maks me more depressed than seeing some white privlidge fk kid receiving all the benefits of a welfare state while not providing shit cu** value for others. I am happy that science is popular these days so these arrogant assholes can move their butt into a postive global direction. I am still not at coral / indigo I am going to most likely again conflate these things, it's insane how often I am correct, because I am so often wrong about certain things, still my intuition or Ken Wilber saying You Can't be Wrong All of the Time is quite true/is on point... as usual... . When I look at people in Libera I become so outraged that people live like this and I see my peers spending money on a fking fake gucci bags, white clocks ? Or what was that ? What are those ?! Could have been a good meme. I just hope it's from a country which can structurally support itself and gives people opportunities etc. TBH I myself can't afford clothes that are not from Pakistan, Bangadesh or any country like this. Even if I would want to buy from sellers where they don't exploit their customers. In the end it all flows back into the system, still I am a bit stuck with all of this analysis when I don't read more books or feed myself with new country. I sure as hell know that things become repititive at one point of writing so many journals, at the end still waters run deep, I can't even share my vulnerable side when writing on a laptop, a pen and paper is way way more emotional. Still, there are some issues I want to resolve, yet I have again 1 gazzilion questions and I highly doubt that people on the forum could help me with that. I know where to ask, I could search the net again and try different techniques, yet I am sort of done with that for now. I want to move to a new city and region and end this chapter of my life and re-start it re-engineer it and reverse engineer it constantly. Chooping wood and getting water, including chopping freaking books, without theory I'll be lost. Even with the greatest map ever made, still the greatest map ever made won't make me go astray to far. So, a longer non-emotional rant and yes I mean non-emotional. I don't think I'll be enjoying bike rides to the extend I want to before coral/indigo I want to know now more than ever what is and also what is true, it's difficult to contemplate alone I mean why do all of these famous philosophers have discussions, they want to share their insights, still this is somehow a partial monk mode. Silince is also a great teacher, especially with for instance a zen master who can break that silence and imbue it with shakti or consciouness or his dharmakaya if I understand the latter term correctly.

Okay, let's see I came back home and today I have a really bad blabber mouth. I am just talking and talking the whole time. I've listend to the an audiobook on my way back home and it talked about third tier and in depth... Wilber depth... I did not comprehend at all what he was talking about fully. What I know is there is. Indigo Violet Ultra-violett Clear Light Anyway, these are the color terms the terms he also uses are. Para-Mind Illumend-Mind/Meta Mind Overmind Super-Mind Ther narrator talked about the whole time about the things tetra-interacting, psychospritual growth and all of this stuff. Yet, what I partially understood and what I reach through psychdelics yet only partially is an insight into the psychic level, indigo, para-mind or here global mind. It is a direct identification with the gross realm with what is sentient, down to atoms, molecules etc. What I did not think, because this is not what is commonly understood with the word sentient, meaning things are capable of feelings or "Empfindungsfähig" in German. I don't know if reptiles could cry for instance etc. So you would feel that the former other is now you in the gross releam for a period of time regardless if it is a an animal for instance or an inanimate object but not the formless !!!!. Also, you start to perceive wholes, at Violett meta-mind you feel wholes and feel the whole of a whole and feel the whole of a whole. Also, a holacracy describes that parts make up a whole, yet a whole can not make up more than the sum of it's parts. Meaning a whole that has parts can never have more wholes than parts. Again, meaning the whole is the highest form of the holacracy. For instance the fibers of a tree, or the fibers of a muscle make up the whole of the muscle including for instance, the cells, water, etc. down to the smallest element, than in return a muscle or a tree can not make up the amount of fibers which create the whole of the tree or muscle. That is what is meant with holacracy. Technically, also as far as I understood it's a hierachy of wholes, so a whole made of wholes made up of wholes, since the fibers for e.g are wholes themselves, because they are made out of cells let's say or atoms / molecules etc. The other thing I recall is he mentioned at MetaMind that Green often says they are in the matrix, yet a matrix would mean that everything is a hologram or is holographic implying somehow everything is made out of the same substrate/substance. I thought at that moment, wait that would be non-dual or supermind or clear white light. Yet, at meta-mind a whole experience can be felt IIRC of the holacracy of things as well as the holographic aspect of the universe both as a whole. Also he speaks about ontology and epistomology that in Tier 1 people see them as seperated at Tier 2 they know they are interconnected and tier two generally sees and thinks of itself as an interconnected web of all things and beings alive, yet does not expierence this, the fullness of this is reached in third tier deeper and deeper. At Third 3 ontology and epistomology come together and can be experienced fully. Also each third tier prehends the previous whole and super-mind is like the god father of structure or let's say the god "scaffolding" towering of all others, in some non-power sense, it's just a super-structure somehow. In the next chapter he will explain the difference between structure-stages and structure-states. The structure-stages are Tier 1 + 2, yet structure-states are Tier 3. Which are not stage-stages, for instance state-stages can be experienced at every level and can also be included into Third tier meaning when I reach Indigo for instance and I have casual level state-stages experiences casually, my interpretations of it will move up one notch in order to understand it fully. Also at OverMind (which would be casual in some sense) the non-objectivness of reality, form and formlessness even can be experienced. It somehow includes some non-objective form of emptiness ... I don't understand jack between the stages above Indigo, I am fine with Indigo I peaked into it, my intuiton was fking on point, yet the other stages, I can't imagine seeing the world that way lol. Indigo yes, the gross releam or outerworld would be fully included into a sense of I which is not limited to body-mind identification according to Wilber in this book! The indentification stops here at the body-mind level for the first time making it the first full transpersonal stage. I assume no-self is there as a stage and turqouise is a structure development that can be reached without having fully reached a structure-state stages such as arhat for instance which could be clear white light etc. Still, I don't understand the real difference between state-stages and structure-stages yet. So, I will see I wanted to write that and gain some clarity around the whole Ken Wilber spiel........... . This he also talked about shadow work and that journaling itself can show the hidden maps and structures of each stage. So, you can draw conclusions, also so everyone who has achived according to my understanding ... no since I don't know yet what state-stages and structure-stages are, I will not jump to conclusions. Shadow works helps to destroy vantage points and creates views, so one does not look through binoculars anymore, yet can know when the drive arrives and when to look through the binoculars and when not, meaning the constant vantage point of the binoculars are destroyed and can be turned into views meaning I am not bound to use my binoculars anymore, yet I can use them and enjoy the view, instead of being bound to the vantage point of the binocular aka shadow. So, the drive can be experienced as a viewpoint and not a hidden self-bias, to put it into potentially simpler terms, yet it does not fully prehend the depths of the shadow itself. Also, there is the 3-2-1-0 process I want to look into that, but that is it for now. Before my sub-conscious turns up and mixes in a couple of hours more worth of audiobook listening.

I don't think I'll get very far with meditation when I do not improve my posture, my brain goes balls deep into way to many pain directions now I felt a samskara near my heart or the lower heart region or upper solar plexus, also the birds outside go crazy according to my meditation and it feels like they want me to end this, similar to psychdelics. I wish I could sit for longer in a seated posture, yet this is also very depressive a chair may be nice, yet seated somehow allows me to go deeper although I had more mystical experiences while I was just sitting in a chair meditating. It's soo fking tedious to stretch a body that is this larger and 10 - 15 minutes in not enough apparently I did it for 2-3 months only with minor improvements, not sure this becomes repetitive right now. I never worked so hard in my life, wake up meditate, internship, workout, study, sleep. I mean I did similar things, for instance in London etc. Yet, I was so sleep deprived 24h is nothing. Time is one of the stupidest things there is. I can't train myself yet to penetrate sleep to sleep longer, this is way to intense and I don't have a plan. In 3 weeks there will be another weekend retreat. So, I have then 8 days of retreat under my belt, a little bit more with counting in the first 2h of a retreat with shinzen as well as the reterat with the soto-zen school. Anyway that is that.

I thought this could be interesting to share, after Leo's new blog video, I was always fascinated by what time does to people and their mind etc. I found a video a couple of months ago it's insane how much luxury and freedom we have nowadays and how much people take it for granted. Some of this is not even 100 years ago, it's insane how much modern technology even if it is just photography has changed over the last couple hundred of years. Feel free to share if you found something interesting.

I wanted to write about third tier, yet I am cooking tea now and following my habit. It is quite difficult to work the whole day to go training and then to study, also to meditate in the morning for a full hour. It's not that difficult that is not what I mean I mean the little things, cooking, washing dishes, laundry, and eating take away the most time. I came home around 17:15 then I went to the gym was there approx 17:25 trainied till 18:32 or so and then head back, took a shower, turned on Leo's blog video started cooking noodles and now ate two plates. which now costed me two hours, for cooking and eating, and washing the dishes while cooking + getting the laundry. 1h and 30 min. If I would get technical it would only need 1h max, showering is 5min, cooking noodles pasta is 12 min, eating is 15 min, cooking the sauce because I can't find the second pot would be 4min. That would not even be one hour, yet these small things whatsapp messages, videos sent by friends, undressing cleaning up, getting the laundry, setting up the laptop, crossing off my habit. I can't believe it takes 1h and 30 min, 1h fine, but the 30mins are to much. I mean I pratically have 3h approx now for programming and ! I did not even start !!!! It takes me a good 30 min just to get started with the project depending on the subject and complexity + schedule. Then I wake up and start all of this over again, if I would go to bed a bit earlier I could save 1h for programming. Right now though I have two days of the week where I don't work out where I can study longer after the internship, which good. The point is is 2-3h enough ? I am used to study for longer, yet not as stratgically as I did this semester, I dismissed a lot of adivce, and also some advice was not mentioned in the course I took as well as the two videos from leo as well as the courses offered by my university, and they are so counter-intutive that they are so obvious that people don't mention them usually, I like these kinds of advices, since they are not really bromide.

@Leo Gura Hey Leo I wanted to ask you the following questions. Why does love = truth ? Is there any difference of how one can expierence both sides or are they the same coin ? Is there a larger whole than truth or love ? For instance is existence bigger than both ? Or is love existence ? What are the connectionsof energy and love ? What are meditative pratices that do not evoke feelings of love, beauty, awe, wonder or reverence ? Are there any ? Are there stages to love in a transpersonal releam for instance loving the manifest, the unmanifest, or for instance phenomena that arise in dreams ? What is the quality of love ? Will other people feel this quality ? How will it impact them ? Is it possible to lover others first before you love yourself ? Will love always have an I compontent or ego component to it ? How necessary is suffering on the way to love ? I feelt this very often when I did self-acceptance pratices or compassion meditations. How do I recognize love ? Is crying uncontrollably a good sign ? Is love synonmous to equanmity or deep states of equanimity ? Is love peace ? What is the difference for instance of ego death and love are there any similarities ?

So, I know now how third tier works and sees the world this will be good to observe, my meditations altough are not increasing in quality which is not good after the retreat, there is more awarness now around the kriya experiences I had and it feels like there are still samskaras or old grooves of emotional pain.

I am making sometime right now and will start coding the archive is also out from the LPP so I will meditat today additionally 45-50 minutes before going to bed, the guest today is a software engineer who pratices the same technique as I do, so I am interested what shinzen has to say. I've read that and saw ONE diagramm which showed khanika samadhi is below upacara samadhi, also shikentaza works with the first peron. Wilber made some comparriosn as to the temple of the holy spirit, yet I did not quite understand what he meant, since I thought spirit is the casual, yet I am confused as this as so often. Yet, this technicality gives so much clearity when fully understood. Otherwise, I did my workout I downloaded chronometer and tracked my nutrition, it's not perfect and with the current plan I would loose 0.5 kg each week, that would be great. I will never eat the pesto again with 48grams of fat per 100g of pesto. That is way to much. You can't eat that I understand now why people complain so much about the ingredients in food, being vegan made me picky and more aware of what I eat to feel healthy, I did not do a lot of research I mainly did it out of curisoity and because a friend recommended it to me, also for moral reasons such as animals, yet I kept contemplating that and noticed how I felt for instance when others ate meat. Today I saw some younger students in the gym, they felt so Orange/blue it was horrible and they act Green while they are just exploring it and share their Orange/green I need to be accepted by others. I MEAN GUYS THERE ARE 4 GUYS IN THE GYM, THE GUY WITH THE MUSIC LEFT AND NOBODY TURNS ON SOME MUSIC ?? It's so simple they are just scared I was scared to before when I started going into the gym etc. I did not do it because my workout almost ended and my music keeps being interrupted by the app I am using, and the others don't act like they care and then they talk behind your back. I get very very good at weeding out useless people who are not out for your good. Yet, these tiny social interactions is what has driven my analysis from the start, also today I got very angry because of the manipulation and power scheming that goes on in business and corruption, I can't tell why yet I wanted to express myself at the sametime, it could easily be misunderstood, I still don't understand what drives human power motivations I can see it in someway, yet to actually hurt another and cause damage is horrible. What is more important the whole or the parts ? When a company moves it's location and workes loose their jobs, is it the whole the company or the parts the people working in it who is more important ? It's difficult it's also relative you could say it's "equal" since both have benefits, yet what I am questioning is not anymore and I've read this somewhere... it's important who has done it, since he would be the highest part in the holon which drives the decision... So, radical conservative ? A radical liberal ? (Both red/blue for e.g) or moderate (orange/blue or orange) or a centrist (green / orange or green) etc. Would a green guy choose the enviroment over the workers and employ people else where, since the company would not hurt the enviroment that bad and the company would make a significant but bearable loose ? Would a yellow person look at the overall system at place and decide based on a system analysis first not for instance out of his own moral conviction to not harm the planet. So, infrastructure, how much would I need to pay workers at X, because of living costs, how much would I revenue would I make ? Can I expand the company to include more people ? Would people loose their jobs here and not have any chance to work at X ? Would I impact the enviroment with that change ? Are there in my immediate vicinity competitiors who could harm the company ? How long would it take to let the new workes learn the a system of our company ? Would I change the working hours because the benefits of the region are socially very good, meaning more social and mental health = more productivity ? How much of my company can I transport how much do I need to rebuild ? What policies do I want to change ? What image do I want to change ? What flaws have been disturbing the system before at the old place ? The attitude of the workers ? The policies and regulations ? Infrastructure of the city, I want to train more young people for instance and pay less, yet give them a chance and the opportunity to work in a company which can leverage their success, which is good for the economy (?) as well as we have highly functional individuals potentially made in our company ? Would the office building produce a heterachy or a hierachy do I want to implement what at each sector ? Is it necessary ? What roles do I fulfill as the company owner ? Do I let people just work ? Do I read upon new innovations and keep innovating ? Do I disambiguate complexity and reduce the complexity of processors so workers, engineers, business people can facilitate their process more easily ? Can I invest in training better there ? Is the city less corrupt ? Will politicans have an interest to leverage their career ? Will a politician attack my company and create a false public opinion of the companies repute. Will I hire certain people for wellness ? Should I let the employees decide ? Should there be a votum or will I be the sole decision maker ? Can I compensate my workers before ? What am I improving the revenue of my company or the system with many aspects as to improve procedures and provide more value for customers and the society ? Is it valuable to others ? To whom is it valuable ? To who will I provide more value ? What is the political situation in the city ? Not sure I was curious what a company owner would think, yet if you are most likely outside of a system which has solely a hierachy based on rank and status it will be difficult to even think like this, and it will be just decided for the benefit of the company.

I have to be quick for now the timer will block the website in two minutes. I was happy and quite hyped, I found out a few things about our campus and our campus is apparently illegal. It's a classic and I don't quite understand why they do it they way they do it, but I bet CDU is Adolf. So, so much to my political position. I am hyped about my 60km bike ride and definitely about working and getting to know work, work as an ennegram 4w5 is great for growth since 4 growth through 1. I do have to pay attention to the trap of feeling overconfident as well as to competent.

I downloaded an audiobook instead of the book I wanted to read it's still not a habit to read daily or weekly it's way to sporadic and there are so many options to listen to an audiobook during the day, for instance washing the dishes, cooking, doing the laundry, grocery shopping etc. The audiobook has a length of 30h, this is the longest audiobook I have for now, 19-20h+ were the longest before. I've read 130 pages so far and the Audiobook is quite good, not very different from the book.

Was wondering why the server did not work or w/e happend. I was unsure to write another post, yet I did my habit succesfully today and found some new projects and got used to the tool a bit more in 50 mins, I am not able yet to setup everything perfectly to start working since I don't know some small things. Otherwise I used chronometer today and I ate the fat amount that I am supposed to eat 55-50grams of fat a day, I can really see now the layer of fat and my abs beneath them, it's not much, not at all, yet still it's there and it's begging to get shredded. I will go to bed soon and wake up very early my current time is between 5:45 and 6:45 which fits with my new idea on how to handle a schedule within an 1h variance, I will read a bit in bed. I also did a shadow work session today, let's see if anything changes with the unconscious trigger I detected.

I am chilling right now since I asked my prof he said I am making good progress I took my first tour around the block with my bike. He literally said that. I will go for a 60km bike ride on the weekend near the river Rhine, and enjoy some beautiful nature and meditate while riding the bike as well as I can. Otherwise, my co-worker left. I watched Leos video in the morning and during my break since we did not go out for food which is one of the parts of the day which I enjoy, my prof just wrote me that I can starting coding potentially next week and we are going to talk about that. So, I am happy with that ! I choose him because I always felt I learned something from him even if it was nothing somehow at the end, I would receive the skills neccesary to achieve my goals, since he is a high achiver and I wanted to integrate and learn more about stage orange, performance, optimization and sucess. Instead of money, big business and w/e media portrays this time vice-versa porträtiert. Ich proträtiere. Genau. Anyway, I want to contemplate my time usage and will watch a Ralston video to understand truth more, seeing and listening is better than his audiobook format I don't quite understand why he did not speak about it, yet truth can be learned from him I still do not understand what he did to become enlightend, did he even practice meditation ???? It still feels arduous to sit down and meditate deep down when I can't sit in a half or full lotus position, burmese position is doable. Otherwise, understanding for understandings sake it's insane how many comments I read and they don't seem to understand the same goes for me, yet sometimes I am confused they have some attainments, and still somehow seem to lack depth. Some teachers just ooze out depth and I'd also assume their answers and comments, it's another travesty somehow and just shows how much religion, patriarchy and dominator hierachies etc. Or simply power, has been abused instead of a thread which works together, there is a famous study which is well-regareded apparently by scientists, where they show how prejudice etc. could end. It's quite simple. Work towards a common goal together a vision that forces you to bond with what seemed other. A fear of other somehow seems to be a new / old theme now for me, since I don't fear, yet my body reacts... even with the kriya cleanse. etc.

I am excited about the habit and my lp again, I want this badly, I hope I'll touch some code soon in the internship also and tinker around. The campus cat visited me and I hope he won't make me cry again he looks a bit sick, I do hope the cat is fine I already googled, etc. He eats, a lot so but he is weird sometimes. He is not a cat but a mini-kangaroo. He is behind my laptop.... lol

Alright, again I am thinking and pondering a bit to much I'll definitely change the structure of my enviroment and will throw away some stuff, some stuff I can't fix yet, I've read again the benefits of a journal as well as I was thinking a bit about relationships because of a video I watched today. I am having a deja-vu right now, I forgot what I wanted to write about I read a bit again yesterday, and found will read now more before I will study and go to bed early. I recall now what I wanted to write about how I want to renounce my "busy life". Two things I'll do and or want to do are buy a large pot for cooking stews and buy lentils and stuff like this, sort out old clothes and have a fixed amount of clothes that you wear. I hate this sometimes I have so many good topics to write about and contemplate about and then I forget, it will come back. Yet, I did want to write a habit down otherwise my habits are there. So, what habit did I want to implement and which strategy am I using ? https://medium.com/mindlevelup/habits-101-techniques-and-research-da8f4bb918f5 I've read this article which says in addition to also habit bundeling, cue, routine reward cycle, as well as the intention strategy, in which you write down what you do after X habit occured or X event that naturally is there as a cue. As well as writing down the specific location and time when to execute a specific habit I tired all of them. Apparently research says 50% chance to establish a habit for each attempt, yet the strategies above increase the likelihood of success. Also once a habit is established the intention does not matter as much since it becomes an automatic behaviour which is carried out even without the incentive of feeling there needs to be a rewards, like I get up and "raise" the shutters. (??????????????) gherlin is a hormone associated with protein. What are actions I want to do ?! As well as habits. Programming for now. I failed at the others and programming is one of the most important habits for me, so I want to do a daily coding, I already have ressources I bought etc. Here are the strategies I will use: Figure out what you want to do. Programming in Java for a related project and or book Identify the situation where you want the action to occur. In my room after I have eaten and prepared some tea. Actually perform said action in said situation. Repeat the [Context cue → Response] loop until habituation occurs. Trigger Action Plans (TAP'S) 1. Identify an Action you want to do. Programming in Java 2. Find a concrete sensory Trigger for the situation where you want the action to happen. The feeling of having set down after preparing tea and feeling like an intellecutal lumber jack cutting down trees, excited about complexity and learning new things. 3. Describe the Action you’d like to perform, in detail. Be specific about the action you’d like to. To pour in a cup of tea and prepare my desktop before I put in the tea bags into the can, and search for some ideal study music, get some pen and paper and your folder, put away stuff from your desktop that are not necessary. Open the project I want to work on begin programming. 4. Put the Trigger and Action in a “When [Trigger], then [Action]” loop. When I feel the excitement of complexity and learning new things after preparing a cup of tea and sitting down, then I'll start opening up a project and start programming for 50 minutes. 5. Write the TAP down somewhere you can find it again. 6. Mentally rehearse the TAP at least 5 times. Re-read this each morning and make a small visualization out of it for 5 minutes, each morning, after you wrote a post here. Systematic Planning: Active Monitoring, and Murphyjitsu Your TAPs. In the studies involving active monitoring, the actual method of monitoring was less important than the actual monitoring itself. I'll use my whiteboard then. TAP Everything Trigger: When I notice myself thinking I want to make progress in my life purpose as well as on my programming projects. So, when I hear someone say project, work, code or programming as well as life purpose or development, focus on the praticallity of thought and tell yourself that next time when I am at home I will focus on executing on my life purpose and work on coding projects. Action: When I notice this thinking at home, immediately start to feel the desire to learn new things and dive into complexity, prepare a cup of tea or a can of tea and execute the action. Murphyjitsu Your TAPs Example: Trigger: “When I think of both the Trigger and the Action for a TAP…” → Action: “I will imagine that it’s one week later and I haven’t done my TAP at all. What are the first two failures that come to mind? How can I patch my TAP to fix them?” Programming Habit: Trigger: When I think of both the Trigger and the Action for a TAP. Action: I will imagine that it's one week later and I haven't done my TAP at all for programming, The first two failures that come to mind are I could fuck up my bachelors theisis because of this, I could end in a dead-end job instead of pursuing a life purpose. How can I patch my TAP to fix them ? I can choose a different incentive and a different time of the day where I feel more inspired for instance 20:00 a good round of programming before I'll dig into some YouTube videos about PD. Or I'll choose a different location I'll prepare tea and search for a room to sit there and programm. Scaling up Quantify the aversive Action you would like to be able to do. Programming for 3 hours right after I come back home and ate. Find a smaller version of the Action you can take without much resistance. Programm for 50 minutes each day after I come back home and ate Scale up gradually and consistently (For a schedule, weekly is a good default, but pick what works for you.) Every week I'll add 15 minutes of additional time spent programming. (With a 5 min break every 50 min). I want this to work and will review this for the next 60 days meaning till 19th of October approx. I will mark it on my calendar as well as my retreat in september. As well as create a the whiteboard habit grid.

I've found a neat trick that helps me personally to go deep in meditation as well as sort of brings back the psychdelic intensity, because it's the same method of meditation, that allowed me to peak into the ox and touch it. I am very sensetive to sound emotionally, not neurotically, similar to scratching over the blackboard and you get goose bumps, that is how I feel with sound, also this is a sign of pithi. So the neat trick is to open up the window and listen to the hum and drum of the world as well as listening to binaural beats and turning down the volume to a greater degree. So, that would sort of be similar to a trigger pratice option, especially bird sounds take me deep, becoming one with a sentient being is supposedly possible, yet my compassionate nature allows me to feel sort of the pain of ?? by sound of some bird chirpping. I will do this I totally forget after I forced myself to the habit with binaureal beats and I notice now, I can perceive the ... chaos within fields clearly, yet with binaural beats the same "algorithm" or sound is produce and my brain distinguishes from naturally perceived sounds and sounds perceived by a device,so what is and what isn't is being distinguished, yet this takes sometime leaving me in a place of not knowing which is good for my pratice. I saw my closet drifting IIRC the correct term. For 1-2 seconds. So, again this is a good sign.

I am 3/4 through Leos new video and it hitted me a clean hit that I needed, to wake up. I never had a desire for truth, since what seemed to iss certainly was bollux. Yet, in recent years that what actually is, seemed interesting to me. I mean my meditation works with the senses, looking at chakras models etc. This is also conflated with stage blue/red which I struggled with which I struggled with. Yet, knowing now that the details and the understanding of certain parts of the traditions can be conflated to a higher stillpoint and this stillpoint is the non-dual suchness of isness namely also tathata. I do think I know what is meant, I am on the way to realizing some parts of it. What I wanted to ask is what would I do if I would actually value truth ? What would I do if I would want truth ? Without theory, the theory is covered by so many masters already. Pratically what would I do ? I would include it in my life purpose and define it more narrowly. I would have an authentic desire to realize, god, truth, issness, tathata, suchness, no-self (?) I would definitely impelement the stretching habit and get used to sitting for hours on end. Definitely my theme for the upcoming months will be renounce your stupid busy life. Create minimal friction, and work on the core/root of a problem.

Before I meditate I wanted to write what is currently happening in meditation as well as one important thing I wanted to contemplate. I will meditate for 1h30 today. What currently happens is I hear my brain making clicking noises again similar to the very start of my medtiation journey, as well as the fact that this occures more rapdily and intensely now. I would like to pinpoint and say which parts of the brain are involved, yet I can only described annica or apparently the unabillity to satisfy ones needs or the inabillity to control, or impermanence at the brain stem, reptilian brain. Now I hear a lot of clicking noises inside the left part of my skull, as well as sometimes the neocortex, as well as most likely the midbrain by looking at a diagramm of the brain. So, this is that neurological changes are a precursor to a new plateau that I can reach. I would like to record the sound just to see if people around me could hear it since it fees so loud, similar to an ankle cracking sound. Even if this may sound crude, all of this is currently happening and I presume it is a precursor towards stage 8, still my technique is choicless awarness, leading to khanika samadhi, I want to train also accessing concentration of upacara samadhei, I don't know the literaly translation from pali or sanskrit, so I can't tell their literal definition. Khanika samadhi is moment by moment concentration which is trained espeically in zen, because people also do samu or "collective work" and are supposed to be present and pratice during that time, so each new moment that arises is infused with concentration, it feels very energizing, yet highly alert and sharp when I feel I gain more traction with this aspect. Next would be upacara samadhi, which I could train with focusing on grey scale blank which I presume would evoke also nimmita since access concentration is what holds it from what I read in the mind illuminated, as well as I presume khankia samadhi can hold it for a while, yet it's more sporadic then. Next thing I wanted to contemplate a bit about is time. How do I use my time each day? Are my priorities that important ? What is a legacy for me ? Why do I waste time ? How much time a day does my ego corrupt my decision making ? What do I want to do with my time on planet earth ? Why do people waste time ? How come that time exists, when everything vanishes into space ? Why does my body-mind perecive time ? What is time ? Loop What is time ? Why does thought take time ? IS thought instant ? Why does this dimension include time lol without psychdelics this question won't help. What is pratical about time ? What is theoretical about time ? How is time considerid in buddihsm ? etc. So, I will just write a bit for now about this. First of time seems to be a fundamental law of the universe, I don't even know if there is a formular to calculate time of some sort. I googled and I will stop for now, why do I waste time ? The desire to do something makes me waste, time, the desire to satisfy my needs when they are not meet, to perpetuate them when they are there, and to achieve more of them when they are established. Nothing of this is a time waste pre se, all of this is fine. Yet, why do I feel this is so important, writting down pratical steps does not help. Looking at my notion of what is time, is a more theoretical approach. So, why does thought take time is rather technical, thoughts produce peptides ? Thought is a function of my organism ? Why do I perceive time systemically and not as a holistic field yet ? Am I stuck in my understanding ? Time seems to flow by, Shinzen told my the first time I talked to him as you get older energy and time contracts, yet what is "true" paraphrasing here is what shines forth. So, even as a young gallant knight time will inevitably contract as well as energy, then what is worthwhile ? Media ? Old stories ? Horses ? Really ? This cosmic field begs me to find out what there is, form will always take time, the formless is timeless ? Is it this ? Why do I waste time ? I waste time to entertain myself, to maintain myself, reducing stressful thoughts, worries etc. What do I invest my time and energy into ? A stinky journal ? Consciouness work ? My dreams ? What my parents want ? What I want ? What the universe wants ? What my future kids want ? What my wife/life partner wants ? Hobbies ? Aspirations ? Parts of it, time definitely exists in my 3d reality, undeniably, does it exist even in the sublte dream releams ? Yes, yet I can't controll it. What is timelesness ? An isness of void ? Will I become a voidteralist ? Or is all of this another classic ? And I am the devil ? I do waste time because I like to waste time, it makes me feel good to not do what I want to do because I don't like to do what I subconsciously resist. What am I resiting, resitance itself of what I want deep down there and I would not even know it, if it is a simple NO that that carrot cake, or yes to going to karate training. Is it that universal ? What is a legacy for me ? Leaving behind a shit ton of money for my children ? Destroying hypocricy as well as dogma and ideologies through my lifes work ? Being part of a super advanced technical company and driving innovation forward, being enlightend and forcing others into awakening through sheer presence, is that possible ? Can a dharmakaya be so strong ? Is it not just shakti, qi, ki, or energy ? Living a live of a boddhisatva and helping others and being of service do I like this ? Really ? Do I like service ? Do Ilike to be a roman slave rowing around in the rowboat ? Listening to the hum and drum of my slave masters ? Literally ? U know ? Why do I not follow my priorities strictly and I succumb to the pressure of my desires ? Do I want it badly enough, is my time investment that much out of order ? Or is this another hyperdimensional cube game, and I literally can't take the seriousness of this at the moment. Am I that deluded ? Are others more deluded than I am, and how am I deluding myself with the time I invest let alone in this post. I am a type b person, and in generall very relaxed and not as driven, enjoying working towards my goals with lowkey effort is more fun to me than striving and being expolsive and riding on the energy of the striving. Excellence for instance is something I enjoy, yet also part of impermanence more or less. For instance working out and meditating does work, yet how do I perform in this endeavour ? What am I explaining away ? Rationality never made sense in the first place ? If chaos resides in the expression of others and myself being prone to acting out there emotions. Being dark ? What is this ? A joke ? Darkness is scary, yet being dark ? What is this ? A joke ? Seriously, this is not much different than asking questions under the influence of psychedelics, besides they take me deeper. Yet, what is time ? An expression of form ? Steming from the void ? Eflux ? or Reflux ? Is it both ? Is it neither ? Is it OR. What do I want to do with my time ? Follow my bliss, muse, joy, radiating vibrant forms of live, big cars, houses, nature, beauty, perception of form, art, thought ? What is that for me programming ? Writing ? Photography ? Language Learning ? Learning ? Knowledge ? Travel ? Work ? Excellence it self ? Working out ? Reading ? A verb or a noun ? Computer Science, Biology, Nutrition, Books, Psychology, Life, Buddhism, Cultures, Fitness, Anatomy, Business, Politics, Legacy, Life purpose, Coaching ? It's more of a noun then a verb. I like big pictures, the big picture... of time, is my life purpose spent inside the time space continuum o fmy interests. Is it that simple ? A small picture are all the verbs I wrote down already ? Again, why do I waste time ? I accept that I am wasting time, I enjoy that I am wasting time, I forget that time exists, I forget that I exists besides in my drama ? Drama ? Worries ? Toxic people ? Corrupt people ? Depth ? Span ? Why do I waste mental ressources to not fully function at tourqouise / coral, and evoke change instead of being stuck with the small picture ? Do I need a small picture ? Big picture or to strike a delicate balance. Why does balanace seem to appealing ? Is one extrem not often also a solution ? Like TMI meditation, meditation with one object ? Or am I wrong here ? What am I trying to control ? The outcome of my life fundamentally, this is what one does with time proactively, as well as riding on the wave of impermanence. Is it that ? Yes. I want to control the outcome of my life, as well as fundamentally change my conditioning, upbringing, thoughts, happiness levels, outer circumstances etc. It boils down to what can I actively control, without being neurotic with my time spent in one endeavour for instance, which supports me in achieving desired outcome of my life. Are my intetions paved in hell ? Partially ? Are they paved in limbo ? Partially. Are they paved in heavean. Partially. What matters is the quality of the intention itself, no dogma, no mental masturbation, no isms. Am I stuck in another thought loop ? I do feel my inner game is very good if I compare myself with myself from 4 years ago. The same as when I compare it with others, and learn from their behaviour, I am more in touch with happy people than ever before, like attracts like and since I got rid of my old friends two extroverted debbie downers, that only can appeal to hedonism instead of eudamonia, I do think this is where introverts do generally better than extroverts. Still, working on manifesting my desires and outcomes in the outer world seems to be more of importance for now, I will stay with this use my time to manifest my postive intentions as well as my vision and keep contemplating time usage.

Alright, I did some research about food thanks to the help of one forum member and I found as written above my number one mistake, my freaking pesto... Otherthings I wanted to contemplate about today are Habits Priorities Current situation Failure as a learning Theory and praticality Mindset Priorities: Considering my LP and the books I've read, natural inclinations etc. I would say the big picture of my priorities revolve around nutrition, exercise, studying, mastery, programming, meditation, enlightenment, university, computer programming / science. What is the small picture of that ? Books about nutrition, various exercise programs and goals, reading the list of books I wrote down, developing a programming habit which I tried to do, yet habits and such are meh, I currently assume it's more important to have a clean personal enviroment first, and I struggle a bit with this when things are so small..........., I have to be extra careful and considerate... which is not in my nature at least when speaking about material, not emotions, research university programms, keep up with new friends, stretching habit. Yet, priorities the thing is when I look at my day or week that I planned or did not plan, it goes as this, I follow a good amount, I strike away a few days and get a lot done, then I dabble around a little bit, started to play some video games again after the exams, and rest on my laurels. Successes: Working out 4-5 times a week, changing nutrition plan gaining more knowledge around it, progress during internship is apparently very good, meditation retreats planend again for the first september week, happiness levels Failures: Adolf Hitler gerne auch auf deutsch. No stretching routine No book habit Getting slightly back to video games after 4 months of nothing No programming habit Why ? I mostly think I struggle with having to only implement one thing at a time, I often think I CAN DO MULTIPLE THINGS ARE ONCE, yet it does not really work for me maybe 2 weeks maybe 3 days maybe one month etc. Yet, one thing at a time and improving that or getting rid of that has proven to be more successfull then a bunch of challenges, also I want to make challenges in areas I already have a habit in not vice-versa a challenge to gain a habit, for instance saying I will meditate each sunday for 2h for 3 months, is a challenge, yet I will do yoga each sunday for 2 hours is a habit, because I don't have a yoga habit. SO, important distinction make challenges inside the boundary of established habits, or at least when starting a completely new habit make the challenge in the new habit and not some extra challenge in some different area like learning to meal prep and cooking sushi every second day, is not valid. One of the two things mentioned. Other why's? Priorities I schedule my day almost always around my priorities so the details are implemented, the actions are carried out, the vision is there, but what is lacking ? Is it a normal hang-up and I will get as soon as homeostatis stops, am I being ignorant ? If I would be than of what ? I am ignorant of my enviroment, especially my personal enviroment to a degree, this could be a sign, my going to bed habit works, I have to many clothes and appliances in my room which I don't really need, but no space to store it somewhere, besides under a table or in my closet ?! I will get rid of alot of clothes and reduce my clothing amount, I read an article bla bla which says how often do I want to wash for minimalism as an abstraction, so yes I'll do that. As soon as I washed the three pills of clothes that are flying around here I DON'T EVEN BUY CLOTHES, all of this are presents and my mom wanting to suprise me, I don't need so much stuff, today I will chill again and most importantly I will follow my sleep schedule keep track of it and be a bit more lenient one hour more is okay, but more is not going to be beneficial.

@tsuki That is why there is a difference between state-stages ( mystical experiences) and structure stages ( developmental stages - sprial dynamics ). It's important to distinguish them. Everyone can experience state-stages at every structure-stage and the mystical experience will be interpreted through that particular structure-stage. It's as simple as this.

I've found this channel somewhile ago and shared it it has some gold nuggets etc inside. Here is a playlist