ValiantSalvatore

@CreamCat 1h of meditation is not that much. Depending on what you mean with meditation you can increase the amount by 10 minutes or so each week rinse and repeat. I can't sit longer than 1h without a retreat setting, and I need to move also, since I am not that flexible, so I am not a very good meditatior, but yes I can sit one hour not in SDS I sit 40 mins SDS and then move and do 20 minutes of the rest, since I am not very flexible. You can try a chair sitting can be hurtful after 2h or so for the back and yes longest I sat was 4h on a chair, it's not that much.

@Seth Don't click on the names. I can't delete the hyperlink format. To re-enter the links.

@lmfao The point for me is there is research indicating third tier I can't review it since I do not know what they did and I can't validate it for myself. From reading other wilber books and his audiobooks, I know from his writings that there are higher tiers, yet all of these maps don't make sense, yet when I sit down each wednesday to meditate with shinzen and I know he knows spiral dynamics and wilber I do see third tier as a total possibillity, it is not even that difficult to reach turquoise depending on which description one follows, it can be the first mystical stage as well as the beginning of trans-rational I don't claim I am at turquoise, yet from his description it would be do 1h of meditation each day be under 25 and you have a good chance to grow 1 stage in two years! To hit turquoise otherwise it will take 5 years to grow one stage, that is what his "research" indicates. I said often before I never found it. The point is for me I did not start with spiral dynamics but with integral theory, so spiral dynamics is another facet which is included there, and reading about stages above turqouise as well as states helped me with understanding how I personally partially entered coral/indigo under the influence of 1P-LSD, also a different book. I like to conflate things, I can obviously be wrong. Yet, I don't see anyone else having an open-mind about this. So, I am just left with the information. Potentially there are better descriptions somewhere else reading about for instance supermind would help to understand the non-dual structure stage. Maybe I am naive ? I don't think Wilber spreads evil, you could technically argue etc. I found the description helpful, since spiral dynamics explains nothing about spirtuality in combination with meditative pratices, it's values and history explained in some seemingly prudent manner to me. So, I do enjoy it it's some model in a sense, I never really cling much to things, besides emotions potentially. I mean I thought wow 0.5% of the global population is at turquoise that are 40 million people, this would be a hell of a lot of people by looking at the number alone. I don't quite understand the critique it would be interesting to see if the research of them is valid, especially of susan cook greuter since she studied parts of third tier. The book has to use language and wilber always writes and speaks like this, it is similar to the integral life forum where someone said Wilber is Orange etc. So, I don't know I am not for finger pointing and stuff like this, I like the idea of third tier, wether I know this is true or not time will tell. I am not sure what to think people see this so differently that it is difficult to not be biased. I don't have significant experience with any of the other third tier stages and seeing coral or indigo would currently make more sense to me then turqouise it's not like I "buy" turqouise is the highest thing when it's just the beginning of hitting a fully transperosnal stage. I can't tell since I am not even done with the book, I listend to a good bulk of it and read the first 200-300 pages. So, I really can't tell I am processing this still. For me personally it is wise to train with someone who is a master at what he or she does, since I did not read thousand of books to understand all of this. I just keep hoping that I don't get into a freaking cult, since people are freaky at one point. To put it nicely or just insane or have shadow elements. I personally feel that it is a good scafolding to understand the spiritual language, that people use etc. Since, this can get confusing and technical with jhanas etc, and I don't have a lot of experience since I am just doing this for about 4 years. So, I don't know that much about very experienced states and some people train really hard. Knowing about qudrants at least possiblity helps, not everything is spiral dynamics I don't think the researchers would rate themselves as turqouise a good amount of yellow and I highly doubt any of them did any spiritual practices. Besides cook-greuter, she gives me the impression that she praticed it, yet I don't know it.

Short entry. I read a bit in the productivity book yesterday and they spoke about goals are for looser and systems for winners, I do not like these terms that much they are very orange and I like it more in a healthy competition sense, where you are one team against another etc. It's difficult to describe but I hate it to depict people as loosers etc. It mentioned it is important to reflect about behaviour and have goals as a guideline and a vesion not a mere metric to strive towards too. Also that there are 5 categories of smth. One is for values, one is for vision, one is for roles, one is for daily tasks and monthly "dues". And the other one I forgot and that it is important to review most of them monthly and the latter one daily. So, I have a bullet journal which is also mentioned in this chapter of the book and I want to integrate this there, especially yearly and monthly goals, since I do not have these there. Only monthly assignments but not goals, so I want to restructure this system also, especially because it is minimalistic I am no dependent upon many devices or my calendar and my phone, but can use various tools. Next it was about yearly themes, I did this ? Not sure anymore.. yet he mentions for instance and he or she also mentions websites that to choose for instance three words that create a theme for the year. For instance excellence, execution and empathy so you would focus on this and choose actions that are aligned with these words. I choose for instance in 2018 habits and 2019 I forgot, 2020 I wanted to focus on finance and learn how I can retire and stuff like this before I finish university etc, so I have a good knowledge base before I enter the job market etc. Now the author also talked about that it is important to align goals with values and with ones vision and to check this quaterly or yearly. That is what I remember so far. Nothing unusual, yet it is important to take action for a few years and see if you reap what you sow. Gratitude today: Also I've read in a book where they did studies how apparently most effective this exercise is if it is not benefifical as a reminder do it more or less depending on what I did before. I am thankful for a beautiful sunny morning. I am thankful to wake up and don't feel groggy at all. I am thankful to work together with a wonderful open human being. I am thankful to have some fun at work and chit-chat. I am thankful for empathic and compassionate people who like to have fun.

@CreamCat Yes, this is what tends to happen.

@Rebec Thank you for the links

@Scholar I also have similar experiences, yet I never heard the term despite of even thinking in this particular way about this issue. I can't find the part I like the most to quote it but it was along the lines of not understanding of what one thinks or thought patterns and loops. Most people don't notice this and run mechnically I always liked for instance cognitive biases, such as the confirmation bias or the halo effect, or even a cultural shock is a cognitive distortion. Most people don't consciously entertain these biases as a possbillity as well as they are run by the unconsciously if they never heard about anything that influences behaviour and thinking. I am still amazed how much meditation changed my day to day thought pattern and how positive I can be just by thinking positive thoughts or interacting in a happy manner with positive people, who seem to be more aware. Reading about what one values or to question what one self values is a bit tricky since most people don't know what the culture even values, I like this model http://www.worldvaluessurvey.org/WVSContents.jsp?CMSID=Findings it even has a survival line which I did not notice. Which shows what people in a country value and how fast this changes, this shows yes people can change and their predispositions change. For instance look at sweden in the 30 second video and how strong they have grown in the self-expressive line. I do think awarness alone is curative as well as being aware of cognitive distortions and biases helps to reduce them, yet from what I've read they are not fully negatable. I mean there even is the Sapir–Whorf hypothesis https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Linguistic_relativity as well as for instance of how people market products and services for instance to certain social mileaus. At least here in Germany. https://www.sinus-institut.de/en/sinus-solutions/sinus-milieus/ Being aware of that you can shoot for the most conscious "mileau" as well as individuals and reflect upon the collective to see how a individual functions or a collective "aggregates" and interacts. For instance I notice that even my english is very secular because of German values and how the language is formed, it is always about some space or some modality or some concatination. I for instance do better with words that are sciency than words that are self-expressive like, scurries or smth. similar to that. Or the whole thing vice-versa. At least this is my bias.

I am cooking some food right now and will start programming afterwards, tbh I am a happy currently. Yet, somepeople need to piss in my soup badly, fking again white trash captain germany hitler nazi commandant I swear to god if he is going to do what I think he'll do, then I am fked with even going to the gym and I would have to walk a 20-30 min walk towards the gym, which is just horrendous. Still there are many people it's not to bad, yet people like him trigger me they act like they are culturally open, and then some wealthy fk face foreigner comes to him because he is white and has power nothing else. It is not that I can't differntiate between growth and dominator hierachies, but fk faces like him wants me to be hitler. As long as he is privlieged he enjoys it he does not know how it feels like to be marginalized and he would be the type to project reverse racism, when in fact what he is doing and how he is behaving is discriminating. No wonder he does his master at this shit uni. I hope people like him die. I can't love people like him currently, sure there are moments when it is fine, yet generally I feel the incentive to rape and kill him tbh. I hate this Hurensohn so fking much and his fa***** friend who worked with me and the group projects and get's good grades in them because his "friends" carry them and he lures them with wealth and opportunities for fun. White fking trash. Am I overracting ? Most likely ? Is my intuition correct ? Most likely. Fking Asian Yuppy Fker I hate people like this as long as it is not brown I am not going to touch it. That is how people like him feel. I will definitely do a shadow work session I did plently already with triggers like this I can't be wrong 100% all the time, yet this guy again. Is somer power hungry bitch who would bend the knee if someone taller and stronger comes in the same position, no fking bite. Only in groups. Fking hell, stupid power games I bought the book 48 laws of power and I will definitely read that sometime...... Today programming. Also, I wanted to make this a gratitude journal because this has been a blessing in a sense, the law of attraction definitely seems to work for this and I generally attract more positive events. I am thankful to have a great internship in which I can learn how to reverse engineer I am thankful that I can programm for a dedicated time during the day. I am thankful for shinzen youngs life pratice programm I am thankful for a member for doing a gratitude journal I am thankful that people give me opportunities and chances based on competence and potential.

@lmfao Also Yellow has a tendency to repress Green, and each stage represses the next or the lower stage. Yellow starts to repress the heart felt side and becomes obsessed with wholes and Green is acting out apoplectic against Yellow and sees Yellow as red for instance according to this book. I've personally witnessed this in some group projects and I am projected a lot upon let alone because of skin color. Which they would deny. Still, this is universal. Try to see what works, there is so much information I can't tell what is true and what is not true. Wilber also says that Yellow is the first stage that is not demonized by the other stages as much and sort of seen as neutral. Not in the Orange/Green conciliatory sense, yet because it sees through the aperspecival madness of green. This is my observation. So you could not see you are Green etc because of some shadow element and you are at Yellow as well as you could be orange and not advance to Green because of an Orange shadow reaction towards Green or just not enough stage-growth pratices which is actually not that much. I just listend to this yesterday.

@lmfao It mostly contains what I've written above and I presume all of this is part of his integral theory, especially quadrants. Integral psychology was a lot more technical than the Religion of tomorrow book. It's not needed at all. Imo. He does Not talk about third Tier much in integral psychology .

I cleaned up my bookshelf and counted how many books I have and journals, I thought I had more when I stacked them all up and ordered them, some are programming books, some are very small books more like a bundle of pamphlets for e.g of animal activism. So, in total I own 70 books and 9 journals that are handwritten. I do have a couple of notes on OneNote as well as a digital journal and this journal. I will post a picture of the books. I did not read all of them I counted 42 and that is more that I thought of I also have 55 audiobooks I listend to most of them so I am close to about 100 books in physical and audio format that is quite cool. I do have the audible sub for quite a long time I downloaded it when I first heard about PD in 2014/15 so the audiobooks stack up nicely. I bought a book about productivity I will read this today and review my intention as well as move the books to their proper place and fold the pile of clothes next to it lol, and then start programming tomorrow most likely. I definitely want to learn more about productivity I did want to reflect upon something else today. The reason why I want to read the productivity book is because it actually has a chapter about reflection and I like that. I hope the pile of books will stack up sooner or later when I can organize myself better and have some money to buy certain tools and utensiles and a different room.

@lmfao I'd personally prefer the religion of tomorrow I did not finish the book yet, I read it on the side currently. So, I also downloaded the audiobook version to gain more information since it is fascinating again. I'd prefer a Wilber book over Spiral Dynamics I've read both SD books. The description Cream Cat posted are also partially inside the books I took the test that someone posted here from TJ Reeves. If you want to go for integral theory, AQAL, Third Tier so everything above yellow and tourquise, as well as shadow work, buddishm a short description as well as chakra rungs and ladder analogies. I would go for Wilber. Structure Stages, Structure States, State-Stages. Also parts of spiral dynamics so again explanations from archaic to turqouise. It's important to know quadrants, most people don't know them the spiral goes through that also... it's tetra-intracting. Spiral dynamics explains the concept very thoroughly and personally I received more value from Wilber, the Spiral Dynamics book is good for the forum let's say to see who talks crap and only watched the videos for instance and did not even take notes or anything like that or discussed it properly or watched the video again etc. So, it's an in-depth view of only spiral dynamics without third tier, without other researchers or potentially little bit about Susan Cook Greuter (she studied parts of third tier) as well as Kohlberg, Piaget etc is included in the religion of tomorrow. The ideas from Tj Reeves are also concluded from many books and history, so I do see this as true. A friend of mine who studied political science with sociology explained similar stuff from anthropology lectures. Which you can easily come up with when you know more of integral theory, yet I thought you know all of this stuff already. Still all of this is my opinion feel free to choose what suits you !

@Jkris Yes, I agree to get rid of various sins that are obstacles on the path, it's quite difficult. To not be a sinner in that sense. Especially when looking at the four stages of enlightenment as OP mentioned latently.

@Leo Gura lol that is true. Yet, I still can't somehow believe that they act out on these impulses and that all of it resides in the unconscious I really do hope shadow work works, I've listend to a lot of content about it and did the pratices very actively for 2 years almost. Especially with psychdelics writting down tendencies of deeply buried treasures residing in the unconscious can come in quite handy. I mean it's better than being a horny mule for the rest of ones life, ever heard mules being horny and screaming for attention ? ... This is horrible the whole dorm yelled at these retarded donkeys. I am suprised since I've heard that monks say it is more difficult to be withheld of social interactions instead of sex and apparently that is supposed to be easier. I don't condem Culadasa it's unfortunate I really did like him a lot. Now I don't know what to think. I'll definitely remember that surivial does not stop lol !

@ardacigin Yes, it is possible, but does not answer my question at all. I asked why does this happen over and over again and was curious if shadow work or what Wilber recommends works. I can attest for it also using psychdelics in combination with shadow work can unbury some hidden gems regardless of what it might reveal about yourself, what you don't like. Yes, spiritual pratices help with recognizing or becoming aware of behaviour, still the subconscious runs very deep. Most people don't do a shadow practices and therefore miss that line, Wilber also mentions there is a 3-2-1-0 pratices which helps with emotions. So I was curious or would be curious if for e.g Culadasa or some other person like Sasaki Roshi would go to a therapist and do shadow work, if they could stop their behaviour completely, and indulge in a healthy version of it somehow. I don't think that this is to radical or to open-minded for a spiritual master to be in a different form of relationship, if it does not suit him or his style of personality. Yet, I could be biased. It's unfortunate to hear something like this again, since I liked Culadasa a lot and binge watched his patron Q&A's.

@Leo Gura Why do you think these sexual-misconducts and scandels are happening over and over again, I mean Ken Wilber recommends shadow work for this and I've read that he beated his wife on a spiritual wiki site and he admitting doing it. I am sort of disappointed that it often goes to such extremes, I'd rather have a spiritual master admitting he is poly and gay, than being corrupted by their past, desires etc.. Are there even any enlightend people who did not this ?

Okay, I finally got to my journal for now otherwise it will be to late. I definitely got distracted today by the forum, posting HC stuff. Otherwise a short more or less performance reflection. At the internship I was not able to get anything done, because I was stuck in their "meeting" but I could have just left, still I am a bit scared to assert myself when my position is safe, I could do it I know the principles (some of them) of being assertive and the body language also, so I am using that. Yet, I become very vulnerable, so this takes some courage from my side which I'd like to work on. I'd love to have some couragous friends. Otherwise, restructuring my appartement, I want to order my books my size and content instead of having them in the shelf they are quite a few not to many to say I am a bookworm or anything like that but enough to impress one person from my major. 50-60 books or so I did not read all of them. I am more of an audiobook junkie, since there are more opportunities to listen to that with the flexiblity that I am demanded to display because of the freaking hill and living alone. I do not have a lucky occasion where my roommate cooked some food like my old roomate in China did, so I can't do that. I will review the intention tomorrow for the programming habit and start just by tracking it again and reading the process. This is important I still strugle with priorities. The root cause are my routines and habits, my vision and my life purpose as well as my living situation etc. I schedule my week and or day often, not daily because my situation is so lax, that I am not required technically to do any of this. I still want to do it. I wrote down my monthly "appointments" and "arbitary deadlines". I am still a bit clueless as to how to increase my conscientciousness, I figured so far that my enviroment could cue me to be conscientcious. I watched JP's lecture about this a plan is very good and stick to it. That is what I can take out of that without just enjoying a fun and very informative lecture. So, I do have a lot of time, the hour that I am sleeping longer in the morning is killing an early start, therefore I can go to bed later and programm for a hour longer, with the other schedule I can go 1h home earlier ... So... that is that I could talk and talk and talk and talk. HOLY FREAKING ELEPHANTASTIC DEMON TURTLE, I did not invent the demond turtle ! My friend did on the bike ride, I still want to share the fruitloop boat story... Anyway... I will go to bed now and fold all of my "residually left" clothes and order the books in my bookshelf. Root causes that disturbe my programming habit: -> Having to go back home or wanting to go back home just for some water.... no fking joke, it's the best way. -> Not having a clean room -> Not treating it as a nr1 priority as important and urgent -> Not having food prepared and knowing what to eat -> Being distracted by the internet -> Having not a habit that follows it but, I have the tea routine. -> Potentially my orderliness -> Having a lot of social contacts !!! Helps with industriouness, so chat at work ! Chat at the gym ! Chat and take the opportunity to meet people, eat their food, say they have a nice butt, whatever yet get social ! -> Take the future authering programm There are some things that are in my way that are small, I also want to do a shadow work session about small things, small things trigger me more than bigger things according to Eckhart Tolle I would have an inflated ego, and this is partially the case, I wonder what is inside this treasure.

@Zigzag Idiot Yeah, the idea is yours ! I'll share my favorite interviews, I don't know to many people on BatGap potentially others have favorites too and can share them and if people have time they can watch them fully. The Ken Wilber interview is also great.

Sample https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCw1z4NRJrjWwmFT8Jncgvsg There is more he is well-known in self-help because of his book the way of superior men, I enjoyed his book ( in audio format) enlightend sex a lot.

I am currently at the internship I will take my 10 minutes of a so called deep break. What do I want to write about ? Results of the last week. I programmed for 50 mins 4 times after work this week. On the weekend I went cycling and back home. I threw away a bunch of clothes. Came back home and was involved in the usual chaos of my family. I worked out 4 times including the bike ride. So, all in all. It was decent I could have done more, yet I am not very passionate about anything it is very difficult for me when my enviroment does not allow me to follow my natural passions as well as it has been denied by my past behaviour as well as people not supporting me properly. The times where I was supported properly I went through the grind and received good results. Yet, my decision making is no always on top. I do generally make better decisions now and try to execute upon my premonitions, instead of just relying on flukes and hope. I still question if I take enough action. Some people generally have a stronger drive and I am interested in so many topics, this was since I was little. I can reflect upon that 1000x times the point is now. I want to take action regardless of perceived pain or comfort. I do have a very strong confort mentallity still, depending on the situation etc. I am still not used for instance theoretically working 10 hours a day or so is a lot. And I don't know how I can get much done with 8h a day and then pursuing a hobby like working out and then coming back home and eating etc. Preparing food takes time and I simply don't have the money to buy myself a car and drive around or a big enough kitchen. I forgot now over the weekend to take a giant pot with me, because it has been quite hectic. Financial struggle has been a theme that has been running through my life for quite a while. I am still clueless besides receiving education or doing some part-time job etc to deal with that and also mindset etc. Still, my family never took on a financial responsibility to the degree needed. It's tedious and makes people way to comfortable, just having a job. Is pure shit or feeds into comfort mentallity. Or being "little". You go back home, do some tiny stuff you enjoy and don't aim big. Aiming "big" taks a lot of work I never thought I'd have to do, yet at the same time it's not that much. Time is up. The timer will block the website.

I am back from my 60km+ bike ride, it was great I love the scenary around the area of the river Rhine and I just spammed my friend constantly with the stuff I wrote above and retreats and khankia samadhi, I keep thinking when tf is actually one person in my immediate enviroment becoming slightly so interested by the stuff, I swear I can't put more passion into this stuff, yet people are so fking comfortable, they would not even order a prodcut that contains less ingredients and is natural if they can get a good deal for some stuff that has not been tested for instance. Still, they are so driven by dumb Tv and Netflix, true victims of media abuse. In some sense, all of these sterotypes displayed and this modern, toxic, glee type humour and meme humour is utterly unconscious. It's insane how much they can't see their privliege I hope there asses will be moved to Libera where General "Butt Naked" eats their children and starts becoming invisible and gives them suprise butt rapes. Btw, I'll also say that into their face, yet ehh at one point I am radical enough lol. They can't believe even somethings hypothetically that their own self-bias.. yes I am turning into a negative here, is preventing them just from seeing even the possiblities, they did not intergrate feeling and thinking they may know one influences the other, but they have no clue that feeling and thinking happens simulatenously, they also never ate so healthy, that they "cleansed" their own bodies. Even if they are now more post-modern they still lack a lot of "progressivness" especially with animals etc. They still can laugh and make fun out of all the curelty and feel sympathy but not empathy, I don't need to hear your stupid comment fking cry. This is what I don't get by my old friend group, the new peers I attract are way way more open especially for instance at the internship, it's a blessing, I will keep working on everything that works in my life, this is the stuff I know is subtle, yet also I know that I am very sensitve and vulnerable, sometimes I wonder why girls claim "unconsciously" that they are so empathic, when they lack passion. I could ask if I am fooling myself, am I passionate ? I am definitely passionate about growth in general regardless if it is books or meditation, yet I rarely feel anyone who can talk and spam you for fking hours with high intensity energy for a topic, it's rare. Fortunately it is "meditation/enlightenment" I see this as a blessing and want to continue that path, it's insane how deluded they are, they live their lives of their parents even when I tell them that they enjoy it. The couples are even coupled each with their own father/mother personality type which is okay, since they are similar yet sometimes I notice do they notice ??? I question that. I mean is it not boring to see the constant pattern over and over again, of course their parents are very very different. Still, I don't quite get it besides that people are attracted to partners who give them the kind of love they recived as children in some modality. So, that is one thing. Still. ignorance and priviledge is amazing, I could write 2000 novels about white euorpean privileg it's sad that most people became scum, they are not really people that you don't know and can meet, they are known and want to exploit that what is familar. YET AGAIN this region is so different a lot of open-minded people I do think the landscape forms this kind of thinking, which is beautiful, yet I know I am still playing status games to a degree I don't know if this ends somehow, it's somehow a neccesity to keep people from undermining you, so I just do it for "survival" which is still just ridiculous and I let people know that by my vocal tone and intentionallity, I am also very progressive with people who are at the bottom of society, and treat them the same. My best friend is similar in our hometown is so much scum, walking around, that you know at one point what kind of people you want to meet and can enjoy. I am just a bit disaapointed that I can't take them on a journey which has been one of the most adventerous journeys I have undertaken in some sense, exploring ones inner world. I mean I am writing journals for 4 years now and I still have my journals from China all handwritten etc. I wrote 6 or 8 volumes they vary in size, yet I usually wrote around 3-4 months or 4-6 months into one journal at a given time. So, they definitely don't explore their creative, self-expressive, vocal side, their own process of analyzing and coming to conclusions the topics I sort of have to talk with them about are topics that I covered 8 years ago ? 7 ? 6 ? 5? At least I revisted them 3 years ago and from time to time I enjoy talking about them, yet they don't even know the Big-5 they are not interested in psychology, science and stuff like this. I did not even know I like science till I received old insights through LSD, since my school path would have been very different if things would not have been as they have unfolded. So, I could not take the advanced courses I would have chosen , not to mention how I would have been as a persona with growing up with a father, which I did not have. So, I was just left on my own since I can think of anything, and contemplated a lot 99% of the comments I read are just people who never been alone for such a long long long time, that I think. First I think sure I could have used my time better and read a lot of books, instead of playing around on computers and reading articles, browsing on youtube and exploring all kinds of websites on the net. For instance still one of my favorite websites is lonerwolf.com because this is what got me started, also music I am very very big on that, I love it. They took my out of musical school , because they could not explain my emotions to me so I left I could not verablize very well how I feel when my grandma since I come from a 3 generation household keeps partonizing me and she is German imagine that I AM BLACK PARTIAllY imagine that and again IMAGINE THAT she was NOT RACIST THE TINYEST BIT SHE IS A FKING SAVAGE IN A SENSE BUT IGNORANT AS A STUBBORN GIT she had to flee from the war since she was little and her father was mentally not stable after the first and or second world war, so I can understand it logically why she was so weird sometimes and neurotic as fk, still she was a tiny posion dwarf. Yes posion dwarf, a freaking Giftzwerg. This region basically fked her brain up literally, it's unfortunate... I just wish that all of my passions would not have been destroyed by financial struggles, my father being a drunk lazy fk face, my mother being a mole not seeing anything and my Grandma not being so emotionally toxic. My grandpa was apparently a great guy, but he died, when I was 10 or so, so I just saw him dying away each day being weird at me when I came down happy and he actually took care of his brain. Not like my grandma, sometimes I wonder. Why me ? Yet, this victim mentallity does not help, it's rare to find someone to relate, most people don't grow up with their grandparents anymore, also with only their single mom as well as grandma and with a lesbian aunt ( she does not live in our house etc.). All of this post-modern mumbo hitlery I heard since I was 4 or so, I saw their relationships gay people are so normal around me that I can't not understand for instance why people are even so curious, it's the way it is and some people live that way. Still, I never really quite understood them, it was like watching a movie and I was not able to perform in it, since they did not allow me somehow to shine. I never received what I wanted since I could not properly dabble. Sometimes I think, or I'll frame it like this, I almost died at birth and was operate I have a giant scar running near my hip decorating my body. Sometimes I wonder did my mom never really care about all of these incidents ? Or is she just happy that I am breathing and I am alive ? I don't feel it. I don't see it. I don't hear it. Waking up drinking coffe like a fking junky and wine every second day, maks me more depressed than seeing some white privlidge fk kid receiving all the benefits of a welfare state while not providing shit cu** value for others. I am happy that science is popular these days so these arrogant assholes can move their butt into a postive global direction. I am still not at coral / indigo I am going to most likely again conflate these things, it's insane how often I am correct, because I am so often wrong about certain things, still my intuition or Ken Wilber saying You Can't be Wrong All of the Time is quite true/is on point... as usual... . When I look at people in Libera I become so outraged that people live like this and I see my peers spending money on a fking fake gucci bags, white clocks ? Or what was that ? What are those ?! Could have been a good meme. I just hope it's from a country which can structurally support itself and gives people opportunities etc. TBH I myself can't afford clothes that are not from Pakistan, Bangadesh or any country like this. Even if I would want to buy from sellers where they don't exploit their customers. In the end it all flows back into the system, still I am a bit stuck with all of this analysis when I don't read more books or feed myself with new country. I sure as hell know that things become repititive at one point of writing so many journals, at the end still waters run deep, I can't even share my vulnerable side when writing on a laptop, a pen and paper is way way more emotional. Still, there are some issues I want to resolve, yet I have again 1 gazzilion questions and I highly doubt that people on the forum could help me with that. I know where to ask, I could search the net again and try different techniques, yet I am sort of done with that for now. I want to move to a new city and region and end this chapter of my life and re-start it re-engineer it and reverse engineer it constantly. Chooping wood and getting water, including chopping freaking books, without theory I'll be lost. Even with the greatest map ever made, still the greatest map ever made won't make me go astray to far. So, a longer non-emotional rant and yes I mean non-emotional. I don't think I'll be enjoying bike rides to the extend I want to before coral/indigo I want to know now more than ever what is and also what is true, it's difficult to contemplate alone I mean why do all of these famous philosophers have discussions, they want to share their insights, still this is somehow a partial monk mode. Silince is also a great teacher, especially with for instance a zen master who can break that silence and imbue it with shakti or consciouness or his dharmakaya if I understand the latter term correctly.

Okay, let's see I came back home and today I have a really bad blabber mouth. I am just talking and talking the whole time. I've listend to the an audiobook on my way back home and it talked about third tier and in depth... Wilber depth... I did not comprehend at all what he was talking about fully. What I know is there is. Indigo Violet Ultra-violett Clear Light Anyway, these are the color terms the terms he also uses are. Para-Mind Illumend-Mind/Meta Mind Overmind Super-Mind Ther narrator talked about the whole time about the things tetra-interacting, psychospritual growth and all of this stuff. Yet, what I partially understood and what I reach through psychdelics yet only partially is an insight into the psychic level, indigo, para-mind or here global mind. It is a direct identification with the gross realm with what is sentient, down to atoms, molecules etc. What I did not think, because this is not what is commonly understood with the word sentient, meaning things are capable of feelings or "Empfindungsfähig" in German. I don't know if reptiles could cry for instance etc. So you would feel that the former other is now you in the gross releam for a period of time regardless if it is a an animal for instance or an inanimate object but not the formless !!!!. Also, you start to perceive wholes, at Violett meta-mind you feel wholes and feel the whole of a whole and feel the whole of a whole. Also, a holacracy describes that parts make up a whole, yet a whole can not make up more than the sum of it's parts. Meaning a whole that has parts can never have more wholes than parts. Again, meaning the whole is the highest form of the holacracy. For instance the fibers of a tree, or the fibers of a muscle make up the whole of the muscle including for instance, the cells, water, etc. down to the smallest element, than in return a muscle or a tree can not make up the amount of fibers which create the whole of the tree or muscle. That is what is meant with holacracy. Technically, also as far as I understood it's a hierachy of wholes, so a whole made of wholes made up of wholes, since the fibers for e.g are wholes themselves, because they are made out of cells let's say or atoms / molecules etc. The other thing I recall is he mentioned at MetaMind that Green often says they are in the matrix, yet a matrix would mean that everything is a hologram or is holographic implying somehow everything is made out of the same substrate/substance. I thought at that moment, wait that would be non-dual or supermind or clear white light. Yet, at meta-mind a whole experience can be felt IIRC of the holacracy of things as well as the holographic aspect of the universe both as a whole. Also he speaks about ontology and epistomology that in Tier 1 people see them as seperated at Tier 2 they know they are interconnected and tier two generally sees and thinks of itself as an interconnected web of all things and beings alive, yet does not expierence this, the fullness of this is reached in third tier deeper and deeper. At Third 3 ontology and epistomology come together and can be experienced fully. Also each third tier prehends the previous whole and super-mind is like the god father of structure or let's say the god "scaffolding" towering of all others, in some non-power sense, it's just a super-structure somehow. In the next chapter he will explain the difference between structure-stages and structure-states. The structure-stages are Tier 1 + 2, yet structure-states are Tier 3. Which are not stage-stages, for instance state-stages can be experienced at every level and can also be included into Third tier meaning when I reach Indigo for instance and I have casual level state-stages experiences casually, my interpretations of it will move up one notch in order to understand it fully. Also at OverMind (which would be casual in some sense) the non-objectivness of reality, form and formlessness even can be experienced. It somehow includes some non-objective form of emptiness ... I don't understand jack between the stages above Indigo, I am fine with Indigo I peaked into it, my intuiton was fking on point, yet the other stages, I can't imagine seeing the world that way lol. Indigo yes, the gross releam or outerworld would be fully included into a sense of I which is not limited to body-mind identification according to Wilber in this book! The indentification stops here at the body-mind level for the first time making it the first full transpersonal stage. I assume no-self is there as a stage and turqouise is a structure development that can be reached without having fully reached a structure-state stages such as arhat for instance which could be clear white light etc. Still, I don't understand the real difference between state-stages and structure-stages yet. So, I will see I wanted to write that and gain some clarity around the whole Ken Wilber spiel........... . This he also talked about shadow work and that journaling itself can show the hidden maps and structures of each stage. So, you can draw conclusions, also so everyone who has achived according to my understanding ... no since I don't know yet what state-stages and structure-stages are, I will not jump to conclusions. Shadow works helps to destroy vantage points and creates views, so one does not look through binoculars anymore, yet can know when the drive arrives and when to look through the binoculars and when not, meaning the constant vantage point of the binoculars are destroyed and can be turned into views meaning I am not bound to use my binoculars anymore, yet I can use them and enjoy the view, instead of being bound to the vantage point of the binocular aka shadow. So, the drive can be experienced as a viewpoint and not a hidden self-bias, to put it into potentially simpler terms, yet it does not fully prehend the depths of the shadow itself. Also, there is the 3-2-1-0 process I want to look into that, but that is it for now. Before my sub-conscious turns up and mixes in a couple of hours more worth of audiobook listening.

I don't think I'll get very far with meditation when I do not improve my posture, my brain goes balls deep into way to many pain directions now I felt a samskara near my heart or the lower heart region or upper solar plexus, also the birds outside go crazy according to my meditation and it feels like they want me to end this, similar to psychdelics. I wish I could sit for longer in a seated posture, yet this is also very depressive a chair may be nice, yet seated somehow allows me to go deeper although I had more mystical experiences while I was just sitting in a chair meditating. It's soo fking tedious to stretch a body that is this larger and 10 - 15 minutes in not enough apparently I did it for 2-3 months only with minor improvements, not sure this becomes repetitive right now. I never worked so hard in my life, wake up meditate, internship, workout, study, sleep. I mean I did similar things, for instance in London etc. Yet, I was so sleep deprived 24h is nothing. Time is one of the stupidest things there is. I can't train myself yet to penetrate sleep to sleep longer, this is way to intense and I don't have a plan. In 3 weeks there will be another weekend retreat. So, I have then 8 days of retreat under my belt, a little bit more with counting in the first 2h of a retreat with shinzen as well as the reterat with the soto-zen school. Anyway that is that.

I thought this could be interesting to share, after Leo's new blog video, I was always fascinated by what time does to people and their mind etc. I found a video a couple of months ago it's insane how much luxury and freedom we have nowadays and how much people take it for granted. Some of this is not even 100 years ago, it's insane how much modern technology even if it is just photography has changed over the last couple hundred of years. Feel free to share if you found something interesting.

I wanted to write about third tier, yet I am cooking tea now and following my habit. It is quite difficult to work the whole day to go training and then to study, also to meditate in the morning for a full hour. It's not that difficult that is not what I mean I mean the little things, cooking, washing dishes, laundry, and eating take away the most time. I came home around 17:15 then I went to the gym was there approx 17:25 trainied till 18:32 or so and then head back, took a shower, turned on Leo's blog video started cooking noodles and now ate two plates. which now costed me two hours, for cooking and eating, and washing the dishes while cooking + getting the laundry. 1h and 30 min. If I would get technical it would only need 1h max, showering is 5min, cooking noodles pasta is 12 min, eating is 15 min, cooking the sauce because I can't find the second pot would be 4min. That would not even be one hour, yet these small things whatsapp messages, videos sent by friends, undressing cleaning up, getting the laundry, setting up the laptop, crossing off my habit. I can't believe it takes 1h and 30 min, 1h fine, but the 30mins are to much. I mean I pratically have 3h approx now for programming and ! I did not even start !!!! It takes me a good 30 min just to get started with the project depending on the subject and complexity + schedule. Then I wake up and start all of this over again, if I would go to bed a bit earlier I could save 1h for programming. Right now though I have two days of the week where I don't work out where I can study longer after the internship, which good. The point is is 2-3h enough ? I am used to study for longer, yet not as stratgically as I did this semester, I dismissed a lot of adivce, and also some advice was not mentioned in the course I took as well as the two videos from leo as well as the courses offered by my university, and they are so counter-intutive that they are so obvious that people don't mention them usually, I like these kinds of advices, since they are not really bromide.