ValiantSalvatore

So, this will be more of an accountability post I cleaned my room a bit and found now two friends who want to go with me to Prague two declined and or did not give me an answer, so I feel suprisingly a bit indifferent that I asked two people to come with me, yet deciding between the two is a bit odd. Eckhart Tolle has a new course on manifestation for free, potentially I eat the whole thing on the weekend. Now, I went to the gym I have my protein powder, I watched a documentary about testosteron even completely while cooking and cleaning up, so I leanred that testosteron can be measured by legit scientist by the length of the ring finger and this buzzfedd crap for instance is not bollux.. The great cursing variety. As well as some prenatal testosteron fluid is responsible for language differences in man and women, because women have less of it and therefore are better in the social and verbal domain. Looking at my ring finger I have less testosteron then other males even when I am quite tall etc. They also cleared some common sterotypical misconceptions such as, assertivness causes dominance, no cortisol in combination ( or without.. ) causes it, testosteron does not make people more anti-social, but can foster pro-social behaviour I even had an interaction in the gym today which showed this. For instance when a women is close to a group of men they well all act kind,benevolent and forthcoming, since "testosteron" which is even produced in the brain partially and some SH stuff is send balls to the wall. So, they act more prosocial in order to impress the girl or have a higher chance of reproduction of course all of this is complex, and the documentary was very very good. A lot of scientific material and they showed a few behaviour tests such as the famous one where they give people money and test there cooperativeness and when one shares instead of keeping the money they will both get half of it. Now, what else ? Testosteron is important for muscle growth yet I knew that, there is a cure for infertility in men and there is even a pill for men in a sense that obstructs the production of testosteron. Also, that boys because of the prenatal fluid thing have better analytical abilities as well as spatial ? I am not sure about spatial and I heard the opposite from the course from Babara Oakely, yet the documentary is new and was posted today, so I am not sure what has changed, was debunked etc. Hm... otherwise for old men there are cures for testosteron or rather treatment. Ill link the documentary I find it interesting how hormones drive humans, also that yes I remember people with higher testosteron won more often in a game, also the dominance personality trait is also conceived by oneself as how one perceives himself. So, identity plays a role and personality is how you see yourself, I like the way the researcher pointed that out.

@Matt8800 Thx a lot ! Yes, I can sometimes forget that things are relative Oh yes, I definitely feel this when I feel a strong feelings of impermanence ! So, no-self is a path that I am walking towards. Also, the book is great in case its about deities and in general to build a relationship with one the master I am training with (or his system) was ordained in a deity focused practice, so I can ask him also ! To see how different the Japanese Vajrayana tradition would be in comparrsion to a spirit from the occult. Thanks again a lot for the clarifications!

@Matt8800 Someone told me he saw tiny angels jumping on his body. I also know about the spirit releam from shamanism since the person I train with generally talks about mystecism and also does shamanic rituals, like a sweatlodge ceremony and other stuff, I never dived into it because there is no option for me so far that I know of here besides reading a book and trying. So, I know this is possible, yet I never heard about the occult.

@Matt8800 I am not sure what you mean I enjoy the unkown quite a bit, yet this is very new to me Id like to explore it in the future where I feel I could use it in general when I feel I am ready for it, there are still some very basic fears that are not of the unknown just fear of darkness like a kid it just scares me sometimes for a reason because of the weird shapes I see etc. Id have to mention this also most likely... yes I do fear evil. The intention alone is very frightening, of course facing it is brave and facing it with love is ultimately what I feel is appropriate. Also there is quite a bit of projection that I feel is projected upon me, I dont value things based fear or rate things based on fear I found it unbelivable that one person could do and did "such" evil rituals and that is why I compared him to Hitler in the first place, I said this more jokingly yet apparently that did not came across with the lol at the end. Yes, I do understand that one can forge either good or evil, depending on how the practice is used. As far as Ive read through the responses I can see what the occult is in reality about and that what I know about the occult has been distored and polluted, by the christian church. I know also know that Taoism can be contrasted with the Occult and Christians would and do demonize Taosim, and that there are similarities between Taoism and the Occult. Yes, as I said before I did not know anything about the occult and I was curious about the positive view because I saw the negative side of it. Now I see again what it is about. In case it came across as if Id generalized I do apoligize for that I did not mean to do that or to come across like that. I am very interested in biases in general, so I was not trying to confirm something that I believe rather the complete opposite. That is why I asked in the first place. Please dont misread my intentions. Well who can can lol. Id love to be that way yet that takes work and reading the right books etc. having concrete information and experiences that serve as a guide. If Id feel so loving as I felt for instance on LSD in a conscious setting while meditating as well as after some meditation sessions, I would have tried the stuff all on my own before asking most likely if I heard of it. I figure nothing will be dark since everything would be love, beauty, bliss and purity. Without all of the societal connotations of these words, more experiantially based. Not sure, I did shadow work for 2 years and been thrown into situations where the unknown overwhelmed me and I had to deal with that chaos, yet this is a whole new dimension. Crowly was for me just an interesting figure since I never heard any of this and he influenced even contempoary history with all of his deeds. I am not at a point, yet where Id not feel outraged about such acts. I know I am asking a lot of questions, yet could you recommend a specific book where I could read to practice this, so I can see for myself in the future ? I am not denying any of this and am rather intruiged by it as I saw other reports about positive spirits etc. Could they also appear normally in meditation through a normal practice ? Or is this rather unlikely ? Id like to dive into it because I was interested in shamanism and when I am done studying and all of that Id like to explore this topic a bit in reality.

I will make a short entry. I did not do much after the retreat for three days and I did not meditate for two days because I did not see any point in doing that. That is now the second time this has happend, I missed 3 sessions in the first two years and the third and now fourth year I missed now approx 32 days in total. One time I was so tired of it I just stopped and tested how my perceived consciounes would feel, or the mind. Now, I am back at the dorm and back at work going back home is the most dangerous thing I can do since I am very succeptible to my enviroment apparently and even when I feel conscious the subconscious forces force me to be a creature of habit. Now, I will go to the gym today, I did go for a run on monday so Ill get my workouts in, I am not going to study today and just clean my whole room and prepare some stuff and plan the week in advance, on the weekend I will go to the gym, read and study most of the time and meditate. I did meditate today, yet I am not tracking this as a habit since I am very consistent there, its rare to miss a day and rather annyoing that I am honest about it and mentioned it, since I would not like to miss one day let alone two, yet sometimes its fine to test it when I practice very actively I am not sure, if Ill go up to 1h30 min Ill stay with my hour for now and rather improve posture slowly, so I train my body now become lean and then stretch. Otherwise nothing new, besides the thing that I won the in the raffle, I won a vacation to Prague for two to three days. I asked a couple of friends I am not sure if I want to go Id rather would like to have won a car or money lol. Yet, this is also very nice. I learned now a bit more about rest because of the last life practice programm and realized that some parts of anica has a restful quality to it, like a second skin or armor.

Yes I saw the aghori sadhus they are kinda cool and its not as extreme as the stuff I described. Its what I heard for now so, I wanted to see a different perspective and see how close it aligns with "normal" spirituality. Yes, this is the crazy part where I feel from watching videos about spirtuality some stuff connects through what "legit" cults use, and practice horrific things. As far as I can recall he tried to create an anti-christ through breeding that involved performing rape and other abnormal stuff, which I described before, to create this anti-christ. There are some theories that suggest he created the monster of Lochness... I am not moving the occult into a brighter light am I lol ? Okay, I see I did not want to make any assumptions in case it came across somehow in that particular way. I saw what kind of practices they did and I saw this thread and read through it, and was curious to what the occult normally was, I just thought for instance it stems from alchemy and people gathering herbs. So, I equated it logically with shamans. Also, yes this is what is quite outragous that those crazy people sit in power. The whole Jeffery Epstein thing is way way way to unbelievable and the public goes on as usual, so this is also why I was so curious to what the occult is actually about and not some satanic bullcrap. Yes, it would rather be interesting if it would help to confront evil or help to elevate consciousnes, I did not have any notions around the occult, since I dont even know what the word means, I described it above what I thought about it before, I never knew something like this existed. Some order the Ordo Templi Orientis infiltrated the freemasons I am not sure if it was this order.. and they practiced this satanic stuff. I am just very curious because all of this cult type shit stems from Germany and I am also German, which is just ridiculous. Same here I never read any of this before I saw and heard about all of this stuff, its insane I did not even say most of it. I figure this means read for yourself or smth else. He makes Hitler almost look like an angel by comparrison... This is absolutely insane Id never thought someone would do that. Yes I heard some stuff what they do and its rather odd. This is why I dont quite understand these cults they are tricking vulnerable people and then do these weird things. Its horrific. I am often very scared of seeing spirits or something like that just because I see it as a possibility for instance when I sit and meditate when its dark and I see shadows moving etc. Id like to encounter a friendly spirit, yet the stuff that I saw definitely does not help lol. I follow the Channe 434 which talks about spirits and machine elves, so I saw also the positive side and this would seem very appealing, yet Id rather practice for now normal meditation etc. This is way to advanced for me and I am very scared to visit something dark, just because for instance Id mess up during practice. And sorry ! In case I messed up a few things that are wrong I looked some things up superficially in advanced and combined it from what I knew before, and I just know this from the weekend. Ill definitely follow this thread and look upon some books potentially in the future, yet Id rather first read what some crazy people did before, I dont know why this seems so interesting, yet its insane that people practice the very dark side of the occult. Thank you for your reply ! Some stuff you said with reptiians etc in this thread connects back to this breeding stuff I heard from Crowly, that is what I meant with fked up stuff, and some stuff connects back to normal spirituality and chakras etc also the reptilian thing. So, I dont know what is even possible in the occult and how much has been abused and polluted.

@Matt8800 Ive read through most of the posts here till now and I am quite curious what the occult is since I never heard of it in any significance besides the last couple of days. Id wanted to ask rather something personal first and then be a bit critical from what I heard and saw. 1. Is a Shaman and a Wicca the same ? How do they differ in their focus on pratice as well as are their similarities ? 2. Why does for instance the christian church or the vatican ban, or forbid the use of white or black magic ? Am I making assumptions here and they use it, for instance I would not understand that if you can talk to spirits which serve god for instance why you would not want to talk to them, or for instance is in ... Magnus Opus ... described from Crowley. How for instance the vatican or smth. similar some christian thing ... would use it ? 3. I had an experience after I had a kriya release where I became "clairaudient" , I am very sensitive to music and even genetically... even if I did not practice a lot in real life. Yet, I had lessons etc. Anyway, I heard my name so often and my surname which is quite common, yet my first name not, so I heard which is literally impossible, my first name in a couple of videos when I distanced myself from the audio and when I moved closer to the audio, at one point after the kriya experience and as I sat down to meditate to some binaureal beats I heard my name being screamed through the sound of the river to such an extend where I did not know is it my thought or the river screaming my name and in general picking up weird cadences and tones. 4. Why do people practice satanic rituals ? What is the occult about or what did their founding fathers do ? Are they from Atlantis... ??? How was the occult abused ? What are the original practice that are not satanic from what I saw till now, and literally saw. (On Video) 5. Could you name a example of a occult practice or link a video that shows for instance some of it, I am not sure from what I saw till now and Ill get to Crowly, to what extend an "occult" practice is just some technique that I could practice to talk to spirits or so, is lucid dreaming for instance smth. that is also practiced in the occult ? 6. What are demons ? How real are evil spirits ? Why do people want to summon them ? Is there a grand scheme of things ? More Critical questions. I try to also write down what I know so far about the Occult just from this weekend... 1. Why are there cults that practice the occult and woreship satan for instance what are they trying to achieve are there literaly people who are trying to create an anti-christ ? 2. Why did Crowly say he is the anti-christ ? 3. What is the Magnus Opum generally about `? I just saw snippets and I am not joking this shit scares the living hell out of me. 4. What do you say about cults or people that have rituals that involve the sexual abuse of children, drinking their blood, having anal sex with fecies or meditating under a phallus ? 5. What is the Moonchild thing actually about ? 6. Why is scientology involved in this did he open a portal to another dimension or what are they talking about ?... 7. Would you even think it is possible to summon demons and the anti-christ when moving into low vibrations and using meditation and spiritual techniques for pure evil ? 8. Why is all of this an open secret and nobody talks about that, and why are some highly ranked politicans also involved is this like well known or an open secret on the dark dark sides of the occult ? 9. How do the freemasons for instance historically been involved in this, I am half american so I dont know much about americas political history........ and I heard that theyve been infiltrated by a satanic cult. 10. What would you say about conspiracy theories, such as after Elron Hubert opened the gate...... to another dimension and suddenly a lot of Ufos where sighted ? Or conspiracy theories in general. I was never interested in this stuff, yet after this presentation ... I am quite done with all of that and I am not mentioning most of it. Thanks in advance in case you answer the questions or all of them ! I would feel very delighted about a reply, this stuff is hella confusing to me.

He does not own a car. He also went to University and by spiral dynamics or rather Ken Wilbers teaching alone he should be cognitvely Yellow, which you can see reflected in his words and thinking on the meta level etc. Id put Logic up there also, although I am not sure if he is just a slave to the entertainment system to a very very small degree.. , yet he connects some dots very well that I just started to realize. So, I dont know yet anyway. Most of them are very close to taking drugs and substances and sometimes you can listen to them, and know oh I had that insight also on LSD or I had that thought on weed etc. I would not neccesarily discard the "insights" that they write on paper and deliver.. to others. Of course most of them dont have a spiritual practice I know that Rick Rubin has a spiritual practice as well as Kendrick Lamar mediates 30 minutes from time to time or before recording and stuff. Green is the first stage which is able to think in systems. Which is implied in Integral Psychology ... but not Systems in System or System in Systems in Systems etc. Which is Yellow and Turqouise. I never heard anything like that someone talking about the interconnectedness of it all besides The Underachivers in some Green+- relative manner, since they done a lot of psychdelics and in general the whole east coast, beast coast scene thing, has a very rough psychdelic undertone in their music making etc.

More of the same symbolism.

Okay, this is a whole new dimension I am not talking about meditation or anything I did not even meditate at all yesterday because whats the point ? I want to digest this first and I dont know what I want to do anymore. This is just nuts, from the few pieces I dug deep into the internet and from live experiences trusting also stupid "higher conscioucs" synchronicities. Its absolutely insane, how repetitive is this simulation ? And I never even broken out of it. It is like Ive been selected to be released from a chamber of homunculous creation and I am allowed to live. Like what twisted fks do exist and people are unaware of that ? That leaves most porn fetishes far behind everything..... Even Leonardo Di Caprio ! What am I talking about ? I dont even like movies. The few ones that I watched connect back to all of this. One of the spiritual teachers I like the most withdrew from the ultimate cult of cults. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Theosophy_(Blavatskian) How many symbols can you find in one symbol ? The teacher who withdrew https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jiddu_Krishnamurti I do understand now why at zen they said burn the books. This is pure evil, devilry, hitlery clit ton, and what not I swear to fking god. People should not have a license to exist sometimes, this is absolutely, insane. I am not sure if I want to read upon all of this, it definitely destroys my views of wanting life a good life. Politics is as unconscious as it well ever be and the majority is as conscious as it ever was. The allegory of the cave, is just beautiful, or maybe Immanuel Kant wurde einfach nur verkannt ? Or Germans are the cultest pieces of crap on the planet and should feel justified to hang them selfs, while be thrown with pig intestines from hitlers lost tesetical ! If this is to much ? People do that. They have done this for ever, I am being a demagogue, yet for what ? I forgot that I loved to read utopian books, since it showed the limits of idealism. I am not sure what to do with all of this information. Besides working on my posture and sit. I just do nothing for the rest of my life, and witness all of it. Choiceless awarness may be ? The best form of concentration while Leonardo Di Caprio happens.

The weekend retreat is over leaving me either with 8 days taken this year of retreats or 10 days. I am leaving out the half day stuff. For instance arrive at Thursday or start at Friday night. So, leaving me either with a 8h pratice day a 6 h pratice day or a 10h pratice day. Yet, generally never less then 6h a day. The "monk" yesterday made me so angry I cant tell why, the facilitator in the last 4h talked about Vedena. Tomato. https://www.dhammatime.org/meaning-vedana-buddhism/ https://www.dhammatime.org/de/bedeutung-vedana-buddhismus/ I certainly did not like him, the practice was fine because it focused on concentration and I was able to be concentrated even though I felt quite agitated, during the sit. I was 10-20min concentrated then again 1-5 minutes of distractions, he also talked so much and I did not understand much, since he did not conflate enough. It was technical, yet somehow without any compassion ? Just him being him. Playing his role literally. Then I got mad since he said his girlfriend goes to church and I thought oh n1 another weird fker. How about a birthday cake ? I really dont know besides the mind fk I had from not even finishing this.. was the reason. So, what did I learn ? Vedana was a variation of feel flow in the "interozeption" of the body. So, I understand what is he talking about. The holy butt. I was so angry and agitated I was not interested to listen and my thoughts generally revolved around me disliking him. He had the most extensive background, and lived in a monastary for four years, he trained since 30 years etc. I still did not like anything about him. I kept thinking what does that say about me or my character ? When hatred is love, or can be love, the vedana of feeling hatred is one passing of the source of love ? Well, so I can experience the love out of hate when it stems out of source ? So, I can experience violence as love ? I can experience survival and strength as love ? Okay, sure yet what did I learn about practice ? I learned that I can concentrated in chunks of 10 - 20 minutes on one thing and that I am generally aware of drifting away, so I step into this 2 minute - 5 minute concentration mode, then I am subtely distracted, and then I come back. Within about 40 seconds ? Its rare that I drift away for 5 minutes or so, so I was surpised that I can hold a more access concentration oriented practice for 10minutes + instead of being aware of openess etc, space, room and impermanence or repetiveness or thought. I felt Buddhism sounds so limiting, Id rather convert to loving Christ at the moment, since it felt so dry. Some shadow elements. That my practice is a bit sloppy, I want to sit in a lotus, my motivations are still not there, the intention may be fine, yet ... I do think I am moving in the right direction. I dislike this naivity, about not knowing what is good or bad etc.

I feel very frustrated again with the degree of complacency I approach my spiritual practice and the degree with which I pursue anything, I tend to give in to fun, pleasure and comfort still a lot even if all of this has changed. I get very aggresive with feeling uncomfortable, with meditation etc. its fine, yet when the feeling of impermanence becomes to intense then I feel this moving forward drive again, that generally was not being developed when I was young. It is latent, and very dynamic. I feel this point of self-inquiry and I sort of miss the more technical people in the home practice programm who take time and effort, to look things up and to not pick everything up on the go, and learn by trial and error and not by preperation. I am not doing the latter either, yet I am planning in advance, so circle. Anyway, this field of what I currently perceive while meditating is expanding very gradually, I want to be kind to myself and allow myself to even feel pitty, ..... So, ah.... even dumb German words stem from Sanskrit. like love and breath. I definitely like female facilitators, yet I cant give love when I dont feel a lot of masculinity I can be very dynamic, so feeling one polar opposite I do feel able to switch between it, since one does not exclude the other. I meditated now for 4h. pratically 3h and 25 min in stillness and 35 min moveing. I felt very sad at the end since the facilitator was very passionate about talking about pratice, literally. So, I noticed also that some personalities and strenghts are just taken for granted and its difficult to manage that, somehow I felt at the end that I have difficulties feeling thank ful, when I indulge in something pleasureable, I cant tell why. It feels again this coagulation inside my solar plexus is so coagulated, that the windows are being shuttered..... I dont know I still feel this arrogance, I still feel complacency, I still feel pity for myself, I still feel non-acceptance. I am not taking this seriously enough, I rely to much on being pampered in a sense. I did not learn anything new about any technique, 4h is not really a long span of time, I noticed that I want to train my body and I am taking my workouts seriously, so that I appreicate what I have and start to be thankful for that and stretch my body, so I can sit in a lotus comfortably. Some ideas I had for this retreat are just stupid, I am not sure if I am trapped again in limiting beliefs, and I definitely missed ? I did not inspire myself beforehand, I took most things for granted, I take my life for granted I take death for granted I take freedom for granted, I take unconsciouness for granted, I take pleasure for granted, and I still feel generally better, than ever. My ego is definitely afraid to die, or to suddenly be thrown into Makyo or some crazy shit where I loose all marbels, sure loose your mind and come to your senses, is sometimes I feel perfect for me. Yet, I certainly cant force images that are vivid without fear, the abstraction of smth fine, but experiencing it. Is scary, I definitely dont feel I can take care of myself like I want to when I am back home, its not inspiring and I built a lot of resentment, that is already present. I feel this coagulation of my nervous system. The only small insight I had was that violence even if it is through sheer sound or we, is love. I was sort of comforted again by madness... 2 day retreat is definitely strategic, and affordable, it is also insightful and can be motivating, yet I still lack the basics, like sitting in a posture for hours, I get so comfortable on a chair, that I start to move, and sitting in a lotus took my first some time to sit in a burmees position since this fking pain around my scare drives me to kill people, till I loose consciouness or what ever. It did not feel normal and this idea that something is wrong even when everything is fine, is bothersome. So, I had to learn or deal with this, and it certainly taught me acceptance and compassion. Now, I am just like a robot, and I execute, this execution is still not prolific. I cant tell why I dont feel as though I want to take it seriously, but I revert back to just being ordinary me ? The me.... so, what about it ? I can tell that it arises at two distinct points very strongly around my cerbellum and in my solar plexus, otherwise my body feels like an apparation of myself .......... So, again ego. This is annoying trying to gain insights or understanding through talking .. to myself, is okay. Yet, I still dont know what I want, I can contemplate this till I die I figure... Skillful means definitely is something that I yearn for regardless if it is taking a fking shit. These three and another 4h part is coming up in 20 minutes, home practice programms are surely, benefitial, yet being strategic is potentially smart, yet its not as intense as it could bee if I would take it more seriously, so many factors flow into the creation of a tranquil and prosaic practice. A parable of what ? ????????????? I dont know, I certianly got mind fked the last couple of hours I dont know how to integrate that and I often feel why learn anything anymore, I dont feel anybody opens pandoras box, so I can at least have some theory that is not based on reason and praticality, I am So Tired of This, Since The Beginning Of Time. There is not a lot of drive in me at the moment, I certainly noticed that after working out so much how much of an animal in a sense I am, that I need this sort of gratification of having done somthing good or being a role model or some sense of something that is benefical, some role. So, I miss the newness of experience, I miss depth, I miss breadth. I am neither stuck, nor free. I am just sitting infront of .... a screen looking at it seeing some illusion of what I call. Am I fooling myself or am I still unaware of how much energy, work and egolesness is wanted to transcend from small mind to big mind. Even just a glimpse, I definitely did not pratice intensively for the last two years, a zen retreat is in Europe very soft, I dont know. I really would like to be able to sit for a whole day, just to see what it is like in 4h intervalls or so, still my choice of pratice helps me with the chaos of live, but I am missing the durability and endurance, like in sports.... High intensity fine, yet endurance and a drive to win, certainly is not there. I thrive a lot in thriving, I thrive more in egolesness or transcendence. Yet, survival and corruption definitely wants me to transcend and thrive, it makes me so freaking angry. Yet, where is the egolesness or the godness in there ? My approaches rather seem pathetic then couragous some excuse to not take this 100% seriously and pratice like a pro. Its not really any different, I seem to just not care. As so often.... and then I care the most again.... as so often. Paradox 101 I guess...

So, another part of the retreat is done 4h of meditation I did 15 minutes of closed eyes walking meditation because the teacher recommended that. This time I am training with facilitaitors instead of Shinzen Young. I liked them all till now, it definitely does not feel that intenstive the second teacher I liked the most so far, because she explained the concepts very well and fast so, I don`t become bored to easily. This sounds a bit conceited potentially, so I want to just report what I thought and felt during the last 8h or so. I felt as if I was torn again inside my solar plexus, yet not as intensely I cried almost once because of some synchronistic idea I had in mind and wanting to have the synchronistic web feeling I had during my kriya experience since this happend at the first day of the retreat and I sat the whole retreat with the after effects of that and I had another one. So, I was checking sometimes if it would happen again, or at a different spot this time, for instance the cerebellum where I feel this mostly or somewhere around the reptilian brain. Its nice to use this laptop so far, the screen is quite large and I can see almost so much that I cant see much. The whole screen is somehow spatially distorted, to the degree where, I can`t tell if the original build looked like this. So, the see in intenstive was okay, I learned using see in with closed eyes while moving and I discovered that I can see what is behind my inner mental screen with eyes open and that the mental screen is a representation of the physical world, yet very seldom for me, so it was not that helpful. I mostly get lost in some form of abstraction of whatever, for instance a conversation, the idea of a symbol, fantasy, some invention, space, a feeling etc. Then I distangle it and find myself concentrating on the impermanence or constant change of inner feelings, imagination and sound. The first part of the retreat was about ULTRA, the unified libary of training attention and an intro to that. So, I know most of it. I am familiar now with the system, and learned about its quadrants. I do feel a bit of emptiness around my solar plexus the feeling I usualy have when I feel futile and meaningless and everything sort of convolutes and unfurls into this all encompasing impermanence driven by unconsciouness, its a total loss of control at some point. Another thing I felt is the place of self arising at the back of my skull where the reptilian brain or the solar plexus resides. So, Shinzen sometimes points to this point as a vector, and often uses this as a analogy or metaphor when describing a self-inquiry practice. Otherwise, I dont feel I can report a lot I feel a lot of open presence my concentration is again my weakest point and is also one of the most important ones my sensory clarity is very high, so I could focus on developing concentration more, yet sitting again for 1h even with a pure concentration pratice is not easy. I tend to flow a lot, so I draw back upon using flow often. Anything else ? I could ask a couple of questions regarding pratice I am at this weird intermediary stage where I feel, oh I could help others by reporting or scare away newbies, because of my intensity. So, I thought reflecting is a good way, as well as, seeing what others have to say and learning from their experience and the whole green shabang, so I in return do the same. I want to ask specific questions tomorrow, Ill be at the dorm most likely again so I will feel akward again asking questions about meditation while walls talk.

Alright, I am on the new laptop and I will have to get used to the keyboard. Otherwise, I am right into the retreat and wanted to write a report, so far. I meditated approx for 5h 15 from a potential time usage of 6h. Also, I feel when back at my hometown since it is a larger city that the city itself is more conscious, yet only the conscious people, I mean chilling all day at the university shows me, how conscious young people generally are and I see them even as unconscious then going shopping here and going for some random kiosk drink, is apparently to radicall for the people. The look at me like I`ve been taking drugs, it is sort of weird while they look unhealthy, fat and not fit at all. I feel like they are taking drugs and there are so many foreigners here in this city it*s nuts. So, I can squirl away myself at my home doing the retreat for the time given and enjoy the silence of the city, that has more beauty than the inhabitants here. Now there will be a 4h see in - intensive. So, a concentration pratice focusing on no self and insight. To express it secularly. Also, survival seems to be a big thing for the average populace somehow, I am curious why they cling to this notion of we are the people, when everything is seperate here and they care more about their stupid families. Like you`d share.

I will workout today with a friend and will receive his laptop. I received all of the information for the retreat and sat the two hours yesterday.

OkaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY I went to the gym did my 100 burpees 100 situps and 100 switchy thingy ind 24 minutes. My protein shake is sitting at my neighbours door. I will receive a new laptop tomorrow. I will workout tomorrow. I am starting Hitlers List. I will workout tomorrow again. I eat to much sugar apparently 50 - 65 gram is fine, more 50-25 with 2000 kcal diet from what I've read. I am at 15% body fat ? Did I write this even in here ? I notice again how much immaturety is projected upon me since I prefer embracing my inner child. I notice all of this role playing again somehow, this stuck with me for the last couple of days. I don't know currently what is toxic anymore, since what I would feel is toxic is actually now just some assertivness ??????? To which degree ? I will receive the stuff for the retreat and I messed up the registration, so I was not put automatically onto the list. Vitamin B is vitamin B12, 6, 3, 2, 1 ,0, 100. My weigh actually has BCAA and is vegan. The internship and working with these scales takes away a lot of time. I will go back home over the weekend to my hometown to get the laptop etc. I will do my bachelors with these scales most likely. There is so much sugar in foods, nuts are fatty, I knew I always hated food. I did not read upon healthy narccism because I forgot. I don't have a good book to read on my way back home besides the one book there. I'll read that. I don't know book or audiobook. I am just wasting time now to wait for the bus nd train, yet I could clean my appartement. So, I'll do that !

Today has been one of the most productive, unproductive days I've had for quite a while. I helped a guy, I sent a parcel back and had lunch with my co-worker afterwards, I prepared the parcel in the morning, I called the support service and they will look at the new laptop and I organized a new laptop for that time which is fking two weeks !! Where this thing will be gone. + some smaller things. So, I did not do anything till now for work and it's 14pm, and I arrived earlier than usual. I also sent out a couple of e-mails because of the retreat since I did not somehow receive any information regarding it... I also had to write and comment on one post for whatever reason. I don't know what I wanted to write about. I am definitely happy and yes I just remembered. The point that people call Leo a narccist is well.. obviously first of all it is important to look at oneself our generation is described as the most narccistic, and I feel somehow the older generations are starting to appreciate this a little bit more. It's like a repeppring of youth somehow ? Hm... the point is narccism is even good as far as I know as long as it is not pathelogical because they generally have high-selfesteem not an inflated one. So, there is healthy narccism, the question is does Leo know this and thinks of this himself and am I narccistic ? I definitely noticed some superficial characteristics that I have where I'd say fk okay, this is quite narccistic esepcially when I deal with people I feel I just drop them somehow, even when I don't feel I do it I am ultra open and build connections quite fast, yet it is difficult to maintain them, when working on projects I just tend to forget. And tbh, not many people reach out to me, yet they very often reply and are happy that we talk, most are just already in their social circles and or are not as deliberate as I am pursing relationships, I do this actively because I am very high on the agreeabelness scale 72 percentile for a male. So, I naturally tend to be a bit passive-aggresive in this politness thing, you know at office and stuff, yet I did so much shadow work already, it's more of an healthy quality now, since I can be either assertive or let people subtely know if it is potentially not approriate and do not have any qualms about oh, I could say 289012093809213 and just go straight to them and say I am sorry I apologize or I could say no I don't like the idea etc. So, this is okay, I don't want to take this model to seriously as well as, I am confused am I just managing chaos = yellow or am I creating out of chaos ? I definitely feel the later since, I am making more and more out of chaotic circumstances and I feel that is what live has tested me the last 6 months, especially. I always liked this about me that I can do this pretty well etc. Anything else ? I want to be a bit careful with this narccism thing I don't know if this is some cycle again where people collective learn and I feel like oh shit I am above the trend already 3 years ago, and I could actually learn. Or I am simply fooling myself. It's definitely useful to know what healthy narccism is I will look it up now again, I've read about grandios, intellectual and the vulnerable narccist or malignant how ever they where called 3 years ago... So, I know the types that are categoriced in the ICD - 10 or so. Or how ever the diagnostic scale is called. One thing I've read was when you self think you are a narccist you are not one, meaning the actual "diseas".

This is insane the same goes for data that is being shared via fitness apps etc. They can sell the fitness data to the insurance companies and adjust their health (programms for instance 200 euro for going to the gym 3 times and certifying that, not sure if this was a bonus before, yet they can target specific groups more intensly because of that. I like that they offer benefits, for instance yet it's similar to chatbots etc. they can facilitate customer service, yet at the sametime can be absued for demagoguery, in all sorts of forms. Nothing is really "decentralized" for instance like bitcoin as far as I know the companies keep the data to themselves, some protocol tools should be able to decipher it, I am actually doing that. But, yes I can see the data even with something simple, they have a lot of personal data etc, let alone by "hardware" alone and users don't have control as far as I know. This is even an open/potential business model, since a lot of young people want to protect their data. Yet, not enough people care yet. Not even considering the laws about this stuff.

I've set a timer for 10 minutes. My laptop is actually defect and not my charger, so I will receive ideally a new one I hope the gurantee covers it the laptops works fine, yet it certainly does not charge correctly every time etc. I took precautions already. I pratically forgot what I wanted to contemplate about, so I will write it down. Retirement Software engineering 20's Love, Life, Beauty Adventure Youth Asprations. Watching the YouTube TechLead gives me a lot to think about he had a lot of success as a normal person and worked really hard for his success. Yet, still his wife leaving him, he being a normal guy in a sense and wanting to enjoy the beauty of life, asking what does it mean, trying to figure himself out, was similar to me how I felt before I found meditation now I know that this depth that he was searching for or trying to find is possible first and foremost, yet also it is a fun adventure as well as has many benefits for mental and health aspects. Now, what inspires me about him is that he found so much joy and comfort in programming and that he enjoys all of these small things that I enjoyed during the times I travelled, besides I add in more sports etc. I assume. Now is the time where I have the most energy I could workout 7 times a day and sleep on 6h and still function pretty well, although I notice 7-8h of sleep is smarter, the point is I am on a very good way I just need to be consistent and improve things one step at a time or strategically work on multiple things that are small and doable, for instance read a book on the weekend on finance. Or listen to an audiobook and read a book in one week or anything similar. Complaining is pointless, informing myself and weaving together theory and pratice is what I want to learn. I also would love to have a side income, yet at the same time I don't know what to build and I have not yet sufficient skills and my interest range is broad in this area. I miss traveling and even today just not working out to just expend excess energy. It is similar to my aspirations when I was very very much .... into learning chinese I studied for 3-4 months on my own with an app and with an online course, I can still understand what some people say yet only out of a very small context, when I took french courses here I actually noticed my chinese is better then my french. Yet, I learned how to allocate my time better, and this is now the benefit I have. I still fall prey to playing video games from time to time, yet it is not something where I would say it's to much. It's funny how short and long a 10 minute reflection can be and just adds up I used to journal an hour because I started to like writing so much, and self-expression, yet I noticed my vocabulary is quite limited even when I learn new words like amylases and delimeted, I definitely don't want to give up on the perception of wonder, awe and joy and want to see work and the expression of working also as joy. I mean there are humans on this planet which could not even begin working on anything that I do, just because their whole structure of society and the globe does not enable them to pursue or let them even dream of becoming let's say a neuroscientist, or a lawyer or an anstronaut. I imagine some random guy or girl in a poor family in Burma or so not being allowed to do anything of that sorts because of religion, this sometimes makes me angry in the sense of feeling myself being imprionsed by my own experiences of what I call self. Wanting me and them to be free. I would sometimes love to just shed a tear for some of them when I can, since madness seems so normal now in the west. Oh another shooting. Oh another refugee that became deported, Oh a new far right movement. Underestimating all of this will hopefully not fuel the defeat of what conscious human beings are trying to create. Yet, I can't really speak for my generation I don't see them being innovative at least here. Also I don't feel they are properly educated about history in some aspects, and different systems that used to govern the world and how evolution took place on a sociological level as well as "anthropological" it would be so normal to see things relative, and even start to beginng thinking how these systems and or ideas start to come about in the first place. I loved history classes as well as sociology classes, as well as computer science and biology. I liked philosophy also, till every idea I had was refuted by the teacher, so I became more interested in religions and cultures, yet again full circle. Maybe a cyclical reminder or w/e.

10 min reflection: Yesterday was quite good my morning routine worked today, still I wasted a lot of time and I fell alseep very late around 2am approx. Normally I go to bed between 10pm and 11pm. Still I read for quite some time as well as got distracted by the internet. Programming and seeing myself as a programmer is important as well as seeing myself as a reader and as an early riser, it helps to think my into the mind of how such a person would think and act, yet doing this deliberately and consciously is the key thing to do. Otherwise, the body-mind identification is very odd, I am not sure how I could break that Leo said kriya yoga and psychedelics are good, I know Japanese meditators in a monastary squat under a waterfall for hours to meditate. Well..... going to the gym is a joke compared to that ? I tried psychdelics around 20-30 times or so, and I definitely did not went deep enough, I noticed where the main identification of the body took and takes place and I had a kriya experienes a half year later after that insightful trip. So, it was wonderful to break free of what seemed other or alien or me. Now I notice my brain and the same spot mainly feels like it makes me want to identifiy with it, I can't sit very well and I fear the pain unconsciously having a guide sometimes is great. It is like exposure therapy I know I struggle with certain things alone, I can inform myself and conquer it the fear of doing smth. Yet, in the end. Training my body helps me to disidentify with it, since I am using up energy and learn what it means to have a body, eating healthy is a bit more similar yet more with the inner workins of the body. The same goes for the mind when reading and learning new stuff. Yet, even when uniting, feeling, insight, thinking and "being", I can not reach yet a metaphysical stage, I am seriously questioning my technique at the moment if I am to invested in something that does not work. Over the weekend I will do different exercises within the UM System and will see if what I am saying has any truth to it here and if I can learn something new. I notice how difficult, yet at the sametime easy it is to build muscles if I do the right exercises, the same goes for meditation most likely. Yet, if I train everything ? I have to take care of everything and everything won't grow as fast a one thing or certain parts. I mean it does work, yet I can't tell where I made the mistake, was it really the amount of fat I was eating ? Or is it normal that it takes time to build muscles in a calorie deficiet ? When I listen to Culadasas book I feel like I am at stage 0 or so feeling tired after 45minutes, yet that could be the strong dulness he speaks about when not training for pure concentration at the beginning. Since, I normally don't get tired, yet sometimes it hits me. It's similar to loosing balance in a state where you are constantly balancing out and insert small amounts of concentration to each moment arising and passing, retroactively or actively. I struggle with rest and gone, from shinzens technique the rest is fine, so a lot of flow and the normal see hear feel thing, yet rest is more difficult to detect for me than gone currently.

Look at me talking with an anime picture lol !

Ok, another entry I don't want to comment on some of the things that I perceive, otherwise I would go mad. I dislike people who do not take care of their consciouness in some way, regardless if it is following their passions or interest, most people who do that are more conscioues than others. Some are just maybe genetically fked, I mean how can you be so depressive and consume so much toxic stuff ? I mean it's not like you are trying to quit heroin or cocain, you can stop watching childish TV shows that enforce your notion of your self-perceived hero fantasy. I am not sure such people would fight for the "good" and not even know what it is, and adhere to socities standards making them unavailable for unorthodox request for instance for business to do a quick repair or smth. Or teach someone who to write a specific line of code to solve some problem. I don't get these people besides that they either where bullied at home or at school, yet now things are different and they still do not make any moves. I don't see why for instance I do it and they not. It's not like I have not been bullied or made fun out of in school and have flashbacks or feelings that are just engrooved into my skull, and I can sense when it could happen. Sometimes I even see this as a teacher since they are triggering basically shadow elements, which I can then learn about which I appreicate, yet sometimes this emotional turmoil takes the upperhand and slaps me right into the face. So, that is that I will start programming for 2h, and tbh I am a bit tired of not having so much time to finish projects, yet this is also interesting how to deal with limited time since this would be a simulation for living and working a 9 to 5 job as well as going to the gym and programming. I mean.......................................... I did this before with 5k runs, with outdoor training in London and in Beijing, and I was more consistent with it besides in Beijing at one point the pollution just scared me and after I overcame that thought I went outside, yet I had no clue what I am doing besides from one friend who did freeletics the hardcore version of it for 3 months, and I mean hardcore version forcing me to do 100 pushups in a row and then 50 burpess etc. Now I am in a similar situation with my tennisarm I found an easy stretching exercise where I do not need any additionla equipment. Now, what does it teach me ? It teaches me, my habits, my lifestyle, my routine, my schedule, my time managment, my project managment, my charisma, my people skills, my Yellow attitude / structure-stage, my non-existing turqouise contrast so it's difficult to see beyond sometimes when I myself only see things as I have read them etc. What else ? Programming, Reverse Engineering, Reading BluetoothProtocols, data safety and so on, I basically learn how to survive and use my time wisely with what I want to do in my life. So, again not having a bed routine is a killer, not having a going to bed habit is a killer, staying up longer on weekends are a killer. The point is why do I do it ? when I justify it I say, hey tomorrow is another day, nothing is perfect, just accept things as they are, don't stress about it , you worked all week have some fun. And then thoughts come like, oh you did not read a lot this week, you could do some programming, etc. Then I notice oh fk, when I wake up at 09:00 am and then eat and meditate it's already around 11:00 am thats 3 hours from lunch for now, instead of waking up at 06:30 and being ready at 8:40 so, I could start at 09:00 am when I can do that I do think and believe that I can finish a lot of projects one after another, yet I often wake up at 09:00 am browser etc and then I start studying at around either 15:00 or 17:00 the latter only when there is a lot of time left for the project and or class. So, .... I want to make this a habit I know I like to stay up late and play video games or just to stay up late and watch some youtube videos or read random articles etc. I know that I like the night because I used to go out and party and drink a lot when I was in high school and since you can drink with 16 here in Germany, that was so common I tbh did not know a lot of people who did not do it, or did it in some form. The smart ones had a soccer game or a "handball" game and drank with their team afterwards and studied on friday and sunday or saturday. So, they learned a more structure approach to studying. Well... I stopped sports way to early I knew it was missing, yet this is and was a common theme, being emotionally hijacked so I do not even notice it, being more conscious helps to notice that. I was quite naive when I was younger, I still am. Yet, I also like this quality, okay enough self-anaylsis. I did not read a lot when I went to bed yesterday so I can't write something interesting or useful. My point is I want to change this habit and become aware why I am doing it and what are the cues etc. When behaviour change often did not work for me and I would have needed some form of accountability. So, getting accountability is harder then I make it ? I definitely can't convince any of my older friends I tried since XXXXX years and they still are doing the same shit mostly. Or even do worse stuff, since they did not listen to me and push through, yet that is their fault. Graitude Journal: I am thankful for taking part in shinzen youngs life pratice programm today I am thankful for yummy food and that I can even eat and do not need to starve or worry about fundamental survival I am thankful that I can study today in my favorite room. I am thankful that I had a lot of fun today at the internship and saw and learned new things I am thankful that I found people that want to be happy regardless if it is through external means or internal or combined, yet I am thankful for consciously happy people.

I'd thought I'd go through my list and share YouTube channels with very very enlightend people that I would attest for if I could emperically. Most of them are known some maybe not. The channels are all the offfical channels of the "operator". Adyashanti https://www.youtube.com/user/Adyashanti Alan Watts https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCcSHd1xIpXcIEpRRJd3V4IQ/videos Culadasa https://www.youtube.com/user/Culadasa Dalai Lama https://www.youtube.com/user/gyalwarinpoche/videos Eckhart Tolle https://www.youtube.com/user/EckhartTeachings Integral Zen https://www.youtube.com/user/IntegralZen/videos Jiddu Krishnamurti https://www.youtube.com/user/KFoundation MingyurRingpoche https://www.youtube.com/user/MingyurRinpoche Peter Ralston https://www.youtube.com/user/PeterRalston Thich nhat hanh https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCcv7KJIAsiddB2YRegvrF7g Sadghuru https://www.youtube.com/user/sadhguru Shunyamurti (not sure about him, I did not watch to many videos of him) https://www.youtube.com/user/satyogainstitute Shinzen Young https://www.youtube.com/user/ShinzenInterviews Shinzen Young (2 - Channel) https://www.youtube.com/user/expandcontract Could the readers add a couple of their own channels, it would be cool to see some different channels of enlightend people from time to time, especially also female masters. Would be very interested in that. As well as other channels.

Before I start anything today I want to report on my sleep schedule. I certainly do wake up on time, yet I go back to bed almost instantly, like I said almost I take 10 min or so and decide to go back to bed for an hour today I had the idea oh, I can set the timer of going backt to sleep 15 mins back so I reduce the friction of wanting to sleep strategically. I will try that, and also set a go to bed timer, I am still not sure how I am supposed to get 7h of sleep, yet all of these small things, like whatsapp, browsing the net, or feeling the need to communicate are horrible. When I don't get enough of it especially the latter, and I waste a lot of time just doing these things even if I find them essentials. I even forgot to take my nootropics this morning and therefore feel not on top, some of them are essential since my diet does not fully allow me to take it for instance there are no fking fruits here I could buy and or eat, so I take vitamin c supplements to have my daily ideal intake I would need to eat around 2 apples at least that is what chronometer showed me I feel way more happy when I take them, and I bought a couple of apples sure, yet it's not like I said I can jump into a store after work and buy a couple of fruits and milk and hop back out for 10 minutes or so for the whole week etc. or some pears etc. So, me waking up on time and taking the nootropics is crucial and I don't intend to become a coffee addict. So, that is one point which I definitely do not like