ValiantSalvatore

I am surely getting lazy with my writing "skills", yet I am hungry and did not drink much, did not sleep enough, did not take any nootropics, did not meditate yet, and I am not using a real journal where I am a bit more careful, since it feels more like a craft. Still, I know its not very good, but fine it has been worse before I started journaling and I notice I think 3-4 steps ahead before I actually write what I want to write, and I have difficulties following my own track of thoughts. Well well if psychdelic insights are partially true, I could blame a lot of people for not developing me properly. Yet, I take it with a grain of salt and take responsiblity for my life, instead of lamenting about petty stuff. Still, its a bit annoying that Julie Zeh dysotopian books and psycho pass seem so real for me now. That it will be inevitable for the future to not life like this in a Yellow/Green transitioning phase. Yet, this is my imagination having fun partially.

Now I have an inflammation in my arm the doctor send me to an emergency surgeon in case the orthopediest would not have been there. So, he was not there I walked there he looked at it with a sono graphic unit. And I appreciate him for giving me competent and feedback while being interested in the subject and humans themselves, he was amazed by my triceps and I am amazed how long it takes to build a proper body in case you do things wrong. The trial and error process is definitely longer then I expect and I can generally expect this now for all projects, this is safer. Otherwise I cried again yesterday, I can most likely workout properly again within a week, because I changed my workout regiment, yet the gym here is still suboptimal, I figure running would be the best thing. Still there are some very buff people, yet its really 1% or so. Therfore, I am unsure how effective my training is cause I am in the semi-buff category. Sometimes I ask myself if I am fooling myself. Shinzen yesterday talked about his problems and I think I listend to the first time to someone who hit the casual stage and as an INTJ ( she I presume) and she said she felt like a beginner again and she witnessed the dark knight of the soul, yet the flatline version of it. Shinzen talked a bit about his problems and I never thought for instance that he said the firs thing when he wakes up is that he does not want to get out of bed. Like seriously lol ! That is one reason also he did this behaviour change therapy I presume, yet most importantly he sounded like a good old friend of mine who I still very much like, yet he never listened to me. He fked his degree because of this and I dont know what he is currently doing. I stil wish I had someone more successful then me which is not difficult by any standards in my immediate enviroment, just to be enticed to strive towards something larger than myself. Peers sure there are enough, yet not family. Friends the small part that I have are more successful than me and I appreciate that a lot. This will definitely still be a theme for the next year, especially financially. Yet, now my focus will be upon getting my bachelors and applying to universities where I want to do my masters.

@Bennn Since I took action on most of the things besides organizational things like re-watching video xyz. Yes, definitely I can steadily check how far I made progress when I write about life cirucmtstances it gives me clear sight on where I am bullshitting myself and where I am taking action, especially online its interesting. I increased mainly my gains in the gym and created a habit of going to the gym, and I find journaling generally helps me with emotionally expressing and venting, while not hurting particulary anyone, and clarifies my thinking. Its quite funny how I feel understanding and knowledge are two different things, yet this is mainly for self-understanding. I already journaled 4 years approx. before starting this journal with "real" journals. So, mostly the benefits are for me emotional, understanding myself and my thought process, expressing myself and clear sight upon what can go wrong and what worked. Its a good tool for refelection, yet I dont use it as Leo intends to use it. I never tried Leos version iirc. Its also good for testing self-help techniques since you need to write things down very often. Like a gratitude journal, cbt, or shadow work. This is mainly what I did. So, yes it helps indefinitely, yet its not a super-ultra life changer, yet it helps to change how I live my life.

The new semester will start pretty soon. I refelected already upon the old semesters and see how I can structure my day more approriately, tomorrow I will go to the doctor to check what happend to my arm. I will see how much I can do my meditations definitely feel like they are working again now, I will clean up my appartement and shave myself and re-create the most successful structure and then go about it ! I hope I can phrase it like this. I certainly like the IT people more than any other group of people, Ive meet so far. Engineers are also freaking cool, and other social sciencies especially also. Yet, this is now rather useless and rather a preference. I will see how well it goes and will keep trying to find a succesful structure I thought about re-taking the lp course I took a lot of notes and keep going through them, the sleeping habit thing is a bit tricky. Yet, I figure it is normal and I accept my current structure and start to see how I can chip away at it with tiny changes and use the 30 minutes positive meditation routine. I am not sure if I wll attend to october retreat. I will have to finish the report from the internship soon too. I know when the projects have to be finished till next year so I have again a lot of time on my hands. So, I will see how far I can change myself again during that time. I definitely want to keep my outer structure more clean, so I am prompted to work more.

Some cool songs I found reminding me of my psychdelic trips.

I am feeling a bit depressed recently nothing out of the ordinary just a set back because my arm hurts and I cant lift weights, yet I want to lift muscles, then overall not very good outercircumstances they are fine, yet just good. Is not very good. I am tired of this word. My meditations like last year there was a time where I was slacking, because for some reason I dont see the value or the reason to do it, especially with so few "awakening" experiences. Reading somehow is boring, watching videos is boring, work is boring. I cant programm what I want because it takes a long time to decode the scales even with a template because there is no one I can ask, and I dont earn any money to have an excuse. I keep thinking about early retirement and how much family etc. has an importance on health and happiness that its very difficult here to expand my social circle since everything is so small, I cant meet a plethora of people, and its very rare that groups of people break up. I have to deal with the reality that no one will understand me in my depth, even if that is important for relationships the understanding part, from what I read so far in PD books. So, dating wil not be easy when I try it out next year. I meet more people who are generally happy and enjoy life because I do it more, so there is some reflection in my outer circumstances. Yet, I really want to do something more into the sciences or pragmatic stuff, relating to code. Not decoding scales, I cant really complain it just takes sometime to decode them. Yet, I am still contemplaing to leave this journal for a while it has been beneficial, yet I dont feel much positivity on this forum, which is what I need right now. Doing everything online, is definitely sub-optimal. Gratitude Journal I am thankful to feel tired so I can sleep. I am thankful to eat food. I am thankful that I can go to the doctor. I am thankful that it rains outside. I am thankful for people being quite.

I am back here on this journal for a bit, I am unsure how long I will maintain it and I created a timer of 10 minutes. The new video definitely helped me to reflect upon my lp and that it basically at this point of understanding its all about putting in the hours and creating the right for me outer circumstances, so I can sit longer and meditate longer to reach sotapanna. Since, this is where the fear of other sort of resides one part of it. I am currently lacking the interest to pursue any knowing and feel as arrogant as ever, because most people dont even come close to understanding anything of it through their own rational, or through their own investigation. Or they do and just talk all day long, I understand more why they say burn the books, yet knowing and intellectualizing sort of lost its appeal to, me the latter yes the former no. I certainly dont have much to fear here basically, besides step hills and having to walk to the grocery store and lectures etc. There is also nothing that pushes me out of my comfort zone and Ive been doing that with travelling etc. Not was extrem as a friend of mine who goes to activist events and did and does couch surfing etc. I mean its awesome that one does that and I find it inspiring, I want to do this also sometime in my life, when I start my masters, since I fked my chances of going abroad by relying to much on one option. I definitely want to write in a physical journal, I am also a bit tired of laptop keyboards and my setup with my computer and such. That I definitely want to earn a lot of money was clear to me when I saw what kind of objectives people generally want to accomplish, freedom, love, marriage, girlfriend, boyfriend, family. I dont think the wheel will be reinvented many things seem repetitive now, yet I am unsure what to do with it besides going with cycles and phases inside the cycles. I love autumn its one of my favorite seasons, it feels very warm and melancholic for me and I enjoy how everything is drifting slowly away into christmas eve while, in January and February everyone will bicker about the cold weather. I definitely want to keep options open for my lp, there are a lot of good and generally not conscious people out there who could need a slap in the face with a stick, or poke em in the eye. Leo`s story about the toy snake he hide and his grandma was hilarious. I feel very similar with my family to some degree on understanding, yet everyone does I want to remind myself of that because I forgot and many people do to that others share the same struggle. I am not sure what exactly I want to do, I already feel sort of blessed to not have the chance to be reincarnated on this stupid planet infinitely. Who wants to be a human or the same life form over and over again. Is that not boring ?

Gratitude Journal: I am thankful that I have taken care of most of things that need planning. I am thankful for the beautiful weather outside. I am thankful to work with a kind co-worker. I am thankful for my workout habit ! I am thankful that I act upon my intentions and wants.

And again no real answers. This path is so lonely, Ill want this meditation behaviour change thing to work.

Microfears today: Fear of a dog type person Fear of meeting the person I currently hate the most Fear of priviledge Fear of the unseen whitness of white people Fear of receiving to much information Fear of abusing trust given to me Fear of traditional people Fear of the collective unconsciouness of germans Fear of being alone to much Fear of not meeting any like minded people Fear of not getting enough sleep Fear of not having enough time Fear of not being well-organized Fear of not having enough money Fear of spending to much money Fear of the ethnocentrism of foreigners in Germany Fear of modernity Fear of post-modernity Fear of being ostracized Fear of having made a bad decision since I wanted to stay up late and test 4h sleep and see if my meditation habit made any difference Fear of the content of my dreams not being able to interpret them properly when they are so vivid Fear of being to long at the gym Fear of distracting myself to much Fear of not learning what I want to learn Fear of having to survive Fear of the concept of survival Fear of the hatred of survival Fear of the cold heartedness of others Fear of organized people Fear of being to influnced by the steady rap music being played at the gym How are these microfears related to my identity ? They are related into my identity so far that my behaviour and conduct changes based on it, I am pretty sure I am not aware of every role I play, for instance the polite guy, or charming guy etc. Are ideas that are stuck afterwards in my head, did I behave in that manner just now. I just wanted to be me, what is me ? When I fear my identity I fear the fear in me that makes up the identity ? So, they definitely shape the roles I play and my behaviour. How are my thoughts shaped by fear ? They are shaped in a negative way, sometimes I curse or sometimes I perceive a lot of sterotypes since people think in that way and I notice it when I do not interact with them and break the sterotype, since I am not sterotypical. So, stereotypes are filled in my thought stream through fear, and I evaluate the situation based on them sometimes, depending on how traditioanl etc. These sterotypes tend to be mostly modern, to even system to post-modern, I prefer the post-modern sterotypes for instance the hippie, yogi, the iconoclast, etc. I am a bit tired. What am I unwilling to experience ? I am unwilling to experience these roles fully and show the woundeness that is being played out and therefore not being able to let go a a crippled not full-fleged role.

@outlandish It works for me so I assume also for others, I embedded the link from the video as a a normal url.

I feel like writing a small post. I feel a bit off on how fake in general people are and they only admire the results of training or when they can tangible see it. It is not like they wish you well during the process of becoming, although a few do. It is a bit akward since I cant share my life experience with a lot of people and it does not make sense, the people who I connect the most with are usually also single childs, or grew up in a similar way where they have a lot of room for themselves. So, I can relate to them a lot more, usually they also have somehow the same interest. I convinced my professor to do crossfit lol, I am not sure why he takes it into consideration and I feel a bit sterotypical inpsiring people through my fitness and enegry levels, although I am not a high energetic person I easily have access to "piti" which most seem not to have so feelings of excitement etc. Can come quite easily to me and I generally feel that I feel more than most people, which is cool, yet annyoing that no one even tries besides a few to feel this quality themselves. I feel it now and can controll what I noticed small pitis or the smallest piti at will, and spread it throughout the body in seconds, I wonder what this means. That I have a lot of energy or a propensity to feel rapture, and more energetic qualities in meditation. Zen from what I read also trains in this. I will actually go to the gym today even though I did not want to go, I am just bored and want to train my body. I still cant believe that this is theoretically one of the best times in my life, I can do what I want even though it is not perfect I can learn what I wanted to learn and I can dive into topics that interest me, yet what I noticed is that it is difficult to find people who want to learn more and read. I mean I can speed read I could read in a day for instance 2-3 books if they are small if I wanted to, yet it still would take me up to 8h with notes. I never tested this yet, my WPM is far above average, still I somehow lost all interest since normal people are just interested in normal stuff and dont take it to the extraordinary, I want to contemplate that how can I get to the extraordinary and ignite my inner greatness or re-kindle my inner flame and drive for excellence. Working out surely is one way, meditation is one way, and especially also reading its sometimes difficult for me to distinguish between excitement and competition. I am not a very competitive person, I enjoy a healthy dose of competition with support. Otherwise I am a bit appaled by the selection of the cafeteria and their food, "sausage salad and fries" very this region. I enjoy the solitary lifestyle and the nature, yet I want to move and meet more out of the ordinary people. I finished my 12 Weeks coach and my meditations are working quite well so far, since I split it up in 30 minute segments with a focus of metta and a focus on choiceless awarness. I am listening to some podcats while doing some monoton work, yet one thing strikes me which is the arrogance of "educated" people, I read in somwhere if theory is not balanced by practice people become arrogant and vice-versa. It was very odd when I discoverd my own arrogance I still like it a bit to much, which is one aspect were I shoot myself in the foot. But somehow it has changed, it also gives me this piti feeling so I cant tell instead that it is just a misdirected form of life energy ?

Microfears today: Wasting time People at the gym Questions about my relationship status Fear of the forum ?.. Fear of what people think of me Fear of not being feared Fear of being left alone Fear of receiving no help Fear of failure Fear of not programming Fear of not doing enough work Fear of crying Fear of commitment ? Fear of what the other interns of other professor think about me and how I impact his repute Fear of making people look bad in my presence Fear of not having enough money Fear of not having my own car and that I other people drive me to places Fear of being a nothing and valuless Fear of time management and scheduling Fear of not eating enough Fear of going to the doctor Fear of not eating healthy enough I do think that is about it How are these microfears related to my identity ? They are related in a way that I actually think about spiral dynamics in the moment, yet somehow the model mostly for now I was able to treat fairly objectively, it is more a fear based identity of old wounds and scars, that fits better into my understanding. So these microfears are related to old wounds, traumas, fears that reside in my body, especially the plexus. How are my thoughts shaped by fear ? The thoughts are mostly shaped by emotion and or mental pictures, I can deal fairly well with mental talk and dissect the flow feelings afterwards around the cerebellum, otherwise they are shaped more into this identity mode ? Where I am playing roles that I am not conscious of ? Like "Good Boy" or "Kid" or "Man" or "Minority" or "My Authentic Self" or "Emotionally wounded child ?" or "Asshole literally I am not sure why I have this in my head", "Lucky" "Happy" etc. So they mostly represent a cultural role and or a quality that I want to maintain to prevent fear from arising. So these fears enforce an identity that is approved by others and myself. Or that others see and I unconsciously internalize since its pleases some part of them. Which I do not intend, I am not neccsarily a people pleasure, not at all. I could care less. Yet, I am quite compassionate so fear of not looking compassionate is also there hm... What am I unwilling to experience ? Feeling vulnerable, feeling open, a kriya release, body emotions, past traumas and pains, healthy roles ? More healthy roles ? Acceptance of what is ? Uncertainity unconsciously ? Although I believe I can deal with it and shadow work, yet it revolves more around the actual loss of something, loss of an opportunity, a bright future, smth similar. So, fear of having things taken from me which I dont think can be taken, for instance my value, chances, opportunities, and uniquness ?? Not sure about this so far. Yet, some of it is true.

I love this one also, one of his audiobooks has the same name. Cant get enough of his lectures ! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fcPWU59Luoc Edit: In case the embedded version does not work the link is below.

This is the most famous video. I fell asleep listening to Alan Watts yesterday lol. The Audibooks from sounds true are great. So, I wont post a 3h long video.

I want to watch this fully when I have more time or watch it sporadically the host is one of the facilitators of Shinzen. Also this I never found this from shinzen. https://www.shinzen.org/wp-content/uploads/2016/08/WhatIsMindfulness_SY_Public_ver1.5.pdf

Gratitude Journal: I am thankful for my workout today. I am thankful that most girls I meet like me and enjoy my company. I am thankful for a beautiful day in september. I am thankful for drinking some green tea now. I am thankful for postivie feelings over negative feelings and fears in general.

Ill just do the exercise again then Ill start coidng ill make myself some tea in the meantime. Microfears that I had through out the day: - Fear of saying hello - Fear of people making fun of me - Fear of failure or looking stupid to my professor asking for clarification - Fear of turning on my music at the gym - Fear of looking at a girls butt in the gym - Fear of not being relationship potential - Fear of going upstairs and telling them to be quiet - Fear of going to the doctor - Fear of wasting time - Fear of accomplishment - Fear of not having had enough fun or "dopamine" and looking for distractions at work - Fear of doing something that is to repetitive How are these microfears related to my identity ? They are related to the way I like to see myself and not to what I could be, yet rather what I should be according to the view of myself. It seems they are rather there to be overcome, yet the experience of them is stiffiling How are my thoughts shaped by fear ? They revolve around shallow things especially since I have nothing big to think about or a good book to contemplate about that is not to complicated for instance Thick Face Black Heart one of my favorites as well as something more technical for instance The Red Queen or so, so I am left sometimes to these fearful based thoughts which shape a chain of believes and fears. For example not having a girlfriend currently and postponing dating to next year, since I want to move and I know this is an excuse as well as I know well that I could date people here. According to the book Attraction it is an excuse, I could go to dating sites. Etc. Yet, then the fears kick in I dont have a car, what if she is to materialistic, then they go to more positive thoughts, most girls I know and meet would rather date a guy with potential and healthy habits then some "looser" with money who is an asshole and has no personality. I mean they both date a guy for instance or are together who both come from a lower income family in a traditionally oriented country this would not be possible. So, I know these fears are irrational and based on cultural belives that stem from the culture and not my own thinking. And their parents are academics. What am I unwilling to experience ? Fear of rejection definitely, emotional pain and maybe even disgust, hatred, anger, jealousy and accepting these as part of the process of for instance dating.

I hope I recall the exercise correctly otherwise I want to first reflect upon my small decision I made yesterday and that I in general feel more happy working and being at the workplace then being at home or in my home town. So I deleted all games again from my laptop and will care more about things that are fun to me that I feel, like reading a bit, journaling, programming etc. So, I can work on these things including the gym and ideally also find a routine that is not 1h long. (The more toxic video games that where I am not consciouess enough...) I also found a psychdelic that "should" still be legal here in Germany through the forum here and a quick search, yet I will postpone all of this because of my bachelors degree. I dont think it is wise or smart to do this when nothing of it is done and I need a week or longer to recover when a normal video can knock me out for 2 days. There will be some video games that I still will be playing since I dont know what else to do with my time here there are no proper hobbies or distractions that I could start such as going to the museum or smth similar. ( And they are more conscious like Divinity 2 Original Sins) So the task was to observe microfears for a week ? Not sure anymore about macrofears. I figure most wont do this, I wrote down my fears in my physical journal and I dont have it with me now so I will write down my macro fears here and will do a quick rewatch of the task. I will write down my macrofears here first from what I can recall and new fears. - Fear of failure - Fear of being ridiculed - Fear of being great - Fear of performance - Fear of looking stupid - Fear of wasps... - Fear of my own power - Fear of my own anger and impulsivness - Fear of darkness - Fear of my illusions - Fear of pain !! - Fear of overcoming obstacles - Fear of death - Fear of life itself - Fear of being inferior - Fear of being incompetent - Fear of being not intelligent - Fear of feeling vulnerable - Fear of being better than others and showing it openly - Fear greater people diminishing me - Fear of feeling small - Fear of not being satisfied - Fear of boredom - Fear of showing up - Fear of being alien to others - Fear of showing my highly compassionate nature - Fear of being a kid - Fear of excitement - Fear of being couragous - Fear of being seen as weird - Fear of being a nerd - Fear of racism - Fear of ethnocentrism - Fear of "pultocracy" or yuppies who do everything to gain status - Fear of modern family lol Microfears: - Fear of getting to know people - Fear of people recognizing me - Fear of social rejection - Fear of talking to people - Fear of being made fun out of - Fear of not getting enough sleep - Fear of not being good enough - Fear of rash decision which are made against me - Fear of the reperucssions of my actions - Fear of women making me feel inferior because I am a minority - Fear of being treated unjustly - Fear of eating unhealthy foods - Fear of eating to much meat - Fear of not eating healthy enough - Fear of not making any progress - Fear of stagnation - Fear of feeling overwhelmed - Fear of not doing enough work - Fear of not having enough fun - Fear of missing out - Fear of not taking action to travel more - Fear of to much safety - Fear of specific people with names - Fear of being seen as to weak - Fear of not persevering - Fear of projection - Fear of being misunderstood - Fear of people liking me - Fear of abusing my power and control over others - Fear of having to much impact - Fear of correcting and critizing others - Fear of causing drama - Fear of drama causing people This is enough the day is not even over and I listed all of this what I feel and felt in general through out the day toady and the years before. How are these microfears related to my identity ? They make me feel identified with the particular pain that I feel and therefore create a body mind concept, meaning, thought, feeling and the sensation itself build the identity, it is constructed in that particular way and by witnessing it it is actively deconstrcuted as well as the debris of the deconstruction shows what has been constructed in the first place. So, how else are they related ? To my behaviour, to me perception of myself, to the people I attract and what I avoid and how I see myself. How are my thoughts shaped by fear ? They are shaped by fear in a way which makes me feel depressed, avoidant, angry, resentfull, bitter, hateful, arrogant, spiteful, complacent, justified, vulnerable, despondent, deeply in pain, tortured, and they shape these feelings, they generate a victim mentallity that wants to sustain itself and when noting it it even hurts sometimes. What am I unwilling to experience ? Pain, uncomfortablness, exctasy, bliss, dying, death, justified hatred, vulnerability, tears of release and joy and pain, emotional freedom. Note: I decided to split up my meditation sessions into two times 30 minutes one time mindfulness and the other time behaviour change meditation and try this structure now, to change behaviour.

I am going to get back to being a bit more oderly today I actually went to the gym three times in a row because I was back home, my arm is still not healed, so I am not sure what exercises to do now because I want to go to the gym today also, I will plan my week in advance I read in the productivity book yesterday, its not so much about my approach as I see it now or the tools that I use, yet the systems and behaviours I have in place this is the biggest insight I can take from the book, again the chapter about habits was crucial and the tiny habit approach is something I want to try out more often. Also having a list with activities that are detrimental to my systemic approach of creating a behaviour system which allows me to pursue higher ideals, goals, visions, aspirations, passions etc. Instead of succumbing to lower impulses such as video games, or browsing on the net, these are the only two things currently left that are obstructing my path of becoming a highly productiv person, and then its about results. So, hm.. I also want to have a clean enviroment a unclean enviroment basically plants me into a nihilistic hobo who just lives at home and eats and lives in his dirty nest, playing video games, eating food, and talking a walk once in a while. Its been sometime since I declined to that sort of level of behaviour, now that I feel more positive and happy, taking care of hormones is more crucial then the psychology books I read so far, although they build the basis of activities and reflection neccessary to know what is going on inside the body-mind. Now what else ? Gratitude Journal. I am thankful to see the sunshine today. I am thankful for going to the gym 3 times in a row. I am thankful that I am still keeping up with my intention to be disciplined. I am thankful for chatting with people I like and them taking me and my thoughts seriously I am thankful that I feel emotionally more open and that I can work on the emotional line through physical exercise ( Wilber ) Key Thingies: - Clean Enviroment - Plan the week - Bullet journal is an absolute cheat technique for getting phenomenal results in productivity and I am in the 7 percentile !! Working sometimes like i am in the up 70 - 90, for a maximum of 5 days. - Having a track record is important since people dislike breaking streaks. - Identity is key to fear, and I unearthed so many of them its difficult to find new ones not including higher tiers, there are some I have I presume but they are already attached to some idea of sprituality. - Have in your bullet journal some space to plan the daily tasks of your work day, yet have the structure of the week planned in advance. - Dont eat carrot cake when Joe Bidden becomes president. - Contemplate this weird mixture and insight I feel about america and the eu coming closer to their cultural roots.

Not much today to say besids I found out that the swaying back and forwards during meditation and loosing consciouness thing is a sign of high concentration. I meditated for 1h and the last 5 minutes I layed in bed and observed my mindfulness so 55 minutes of meditation technically, I am sort of bored of it now.. and a bit complacent I am not sure why. Yet, Id love to be in nature after seeing the video above. I love sound !

I thought a bit about time since I only have 3 and a half weeks left at the internship meanng this was the sixt week and it feels not good, since I did not accomplish much. I dislike that my enviroment affects me so severly and that I seem to notice it as so often a bit to late, yet potentially I am still in the perfect time plan, since I am going to do my bachelors with these scales too. So, I certainly noticed that I waste time at work tbh just to not be deperssed I feel my brain is becoming somehow slughish when working for such long times even when I take breaks, or eat and drink healthy, my diet is not the best yet, but pretty good. Otherwise I listend to the audiobook when I brought back my laptop today, and I also enjoy that the professor gets his lab for his research and passion growing, yet the person that I am talking with is again way to family oriented I like it very modern there, and may enjoy the dinner party invitation. Yet, that is it otherwise I say Hi and we do small talks or smth. I dont neccesarily need a community especially not tribe, family community in the sense as how it is exaggerated at blue. A lot of my "mono racial" friends from family value oriented cultures have a shadow and or are just interested and enjoy this more by conditioning, so I dont blame them, yet I am way to radical for them in my speech alone, and I am not friends with them anymore anyway. Its horrible to plan with these people. I asked two friends who are more scientifically oriented and they both said yes immediately almost. With others Id have to plan and oh look if xyz is not occuring etc. So, we could go camping what I like !! Yet, I dont quite understand how sitting at home doing nothing as usual with da fam, is better then planning a trip with your freaking family and become active. I dont get it. Otherwise I notice now more how fast time flies by especially when working and how long it takes to produce results, At the same time I am noticing more and more how long and how short an hour can be. Now, today I lost 3 times again almost my consciouness and I am a bit confused about practice I will read today in the productivity book, and I will make a short recapitulation. Of what I can recall from the Learning .. Audiobook. First meditation I lost my consciouness almost 2-3 times I dont know if I drop to deep, yet all my sense of self seems to vanish and I cant hold it its like I am being hit with a baseball bat, and I cant tell because it was of fatiuge or because I dropped deep. Otherwise the session today, was normal not a lot of rest, I am still not able to lable gone. And I definitely want to refelect upon post-retreat behaviour, I did not meditate to much, yet all of these old blockages definitely got stirred up and I had again a slight perception of the streamlindness of what is. So, that was good, yet this startegic approach certainly is tricky, one mistake and the whole plan does not work. 1h is fine its a good amount of pratice 1,30 would be very good I assume and 2h is excellent as a layman I presume. Otherwise, I cant afford a 10 day retreat , i mean I can yet it does not work out, I want to take part in the rohatzu and I am going to make a plan for that !!! So, I achieve some more do-nothing experience, I am not sure if I will go to a retreat on the october weekend. I will see about that. Now, in the learning audiobook the guy talks about his process of becoming and learning a chess master as well as a principles in chess. One thing that stuck with me is to praise the process never the result. Praise the hard work, for example if I do it I say I feel happy for you that you are working so hard on your goals. Oh wow look the hard work seems to pay off. I like the effort that you bring up when doing your homework. I enjoy the company of you. I really like the way you dressed when we want to the party. etc. Instead of oh wow an A thats a good grade ! Good that you cleaned your room. You look good today. Very good that you won the chess tournement that is all that counts. Mh.. I cant come up with more I can come up easily with more process oriented praise, since this is what I received besides in freaking school... So, anything else ? At one point the author mentioned he played chess in the slovakai, I am going to say it like that and he meet his girlfriend there and was inspired by all the self-exploration, yet his chess game suffered from his youthfull arrogance which made up his chess personality that gave him the most wins and around this section I stopped. Which made me thinking about myself when I was a very good student I used to be fascinated and loved to explore a variety of books about generalizd facts and knowledge I just read encyclopedias for kids and looked through my school books because I like biology and geology a lot. So, I will reflect a bit upon that especially the structure since I did not always do my homework and was still one of the best in class with 3-2 people better than me. I had basically everything I have now somehow, without meditation, books, food, since I think my grandma actually still cooked or my mom, till she decided oh fk my kid Ima watch TV. ???????????!!!!!????????????? So, I just accepted that and made myself mostly pizza, I ate at least pizza every second day and this was the time where my grades declined I received my own pc, I stopped doing sports, and played video games all day long. OMFG fking american fast food, mountain, gatorade, welches, poptarts all day long playing freaking halo 2 and 3. Good times, yet not very prolific I could have done it more strategically since I played a lot of video games before, on game cube for instance harry potter and stuff like this and super mario sunshine, yet that was somehow creepy I dont know why. I liked playing lord of the rings a lot and what else ???..... I dont know I think this is where pc games started to become more interesting which I played when I was very very little, like 3-4 years old playing Moorhuhn and Sims and Age of Empires and even diablo.

Gratitude Journal: I am thankful that people want to help me and are polite and let me explore in general I am thankful for the feelings I have after meditation I am thankful that I am meditating I am thankful for feeling gratitude I am thankful for having the strength of overcoming obstacels.

I am still very frustrated even though I somehow enjoy life more than ever, it I figure there are unconscious believes at play, which disrupt my higher self in a sense, still I struggle again with my structure its not that I dislike routine or dicipline anymore, I am not used to doing it over a long period of time of over a month etc. For instant eating according to my "own" nutritional plan. Going to the gym 5 times a week. Waking up on time each day even on the weekends. I was never like this, so its not as easy to change this and I am very weird with sleep I feel more awake with 6h of sleep then 7-8, yet I am way to tired in the morning and with 9-10h of sleep I feel the best in general. Yet, sleeping for so long is wasiting life time seriously, this is horrible. This is so odd feeling like I work the whole day only focusing on "things" I like that yes I do like, yet I never noticed how much of hedonic pleasure I indulge in with videos, and playing videos games. I really would like to go to a retreat for a month where I dont see any of this shit. I dislike doing all of these orderly oriented tasks, filling out formulars to send stuff back I ordered, even taking care of the vacation I won, etc. It would be more pleasant in my head if I had a car somehow, or if the infrastructure would be great. Yet, here is nothing. I am not very happy at the moment about how things are going, since I feel this latent lazyness of wanting to do nothing and sleeping. I dont think its depression or any of this, its more similar to not feeling in alignment of what I want, since I am not reading and or programming and just working, exercising, eating and playing some video games since I want a reward for all of this work, yet this has only been bad after the retreat befor that I did not do much video game playing. I dont know this monk still pisses me off till today.