ValiantSalvatore

Also a deep desire for flow states that I had in exercises....

Also especially technological joys, yet not cars which is an issue sort of. It's odd.

I especially have a strong desire to work from an egoless state. That is very very intense that it's egoic. In that sense facint real death. Sort of the pure desire to create and do skill from an egoless state. Is the purest desire to reach for the next higher level, yet at times at a pure/mastery/skill level I learn plenty of lessons. etc. Where orange/blue feels more juicy etc.

I am listening to this, to get more insight into stuff, especially about higher desires, it's weird when it comes to gaming etc. I just don't know how to express skill in a different endeavour, as I am satisfied so fast etc. I think work for now is the best thing as a frame. Especially, strategist & construct-aware I was very passionate about these topics and integrated a lot of orange etc. I dunno I feel the power of orange at times pulls me down and corrupts me etc. I have very odd cravings, I don't know how to deal with this dealing with a real developmental psychologist would be helpful etc. I could exchange truth for personal growth also etc. Let's see I don't engage with higher desires as much.

It's odd sort of but yeah it is what it is. Fuck this stupid girl also at work, it's annoying dealing with 9w1's at times. Perfect sharlatans and wolfs in sheep clothing never responsible for anything etc. Just do their work and shut up and get power, I dunno. It is what it is.

I also thought about the advice one guy gave me here that I talked to about dating, it was the worst possible advice. As I talked and it was all about physical escalation and speaking to someone who seems naturally very bad at this, is a huge issue. I am way more attuned to this then he is. I just realized how bad that interaction was. Again, simply due to this craving of cleanliness and austerity manliness, it's an issue I do better with people who have a stronger abundance vibe etc.

Definitely missing good projects so to speak etc. I just currently notice how much joy I get from food sort of. Generally creating slots for meaningful projects of any sort might do better, I did not look at life like this as this creates more meaning etc. & Sharing the projects progress, yet not the goal itself? Streaming University Work & Coding Exercise(?) -> More chill actually no real project I just workout So yeah I dunno looking for some insights definitely interested to take on a project I might ask the russian guy as he has similar cravings in terms of merit to do these things, I was looking for a friend like this also, as I am not originally a creator. It's very odd to deal with the stage orange exellence drive instead of achievement and not be in a "player position" and many have this craving etc. I could also eat hotpot again today. Very tasty stuff.... yeah just being more around the russian guy might be a good karmic influence as I quitted most stuff that he does, and I know what it's like at the sametime. He might show me how to DJ or smth. So I dunno let's see I've been missing a creative friend, now I have one. Let's see eventually I get around the deeper bouts of creation etc. With spirit etc. I hope everything will workout in that way etc. I could ask him to take the same "Fortbildung" from the workplace and we could climb together in that sense.

I dunno career wise there are shadows that I don't really know due to the heavy orange & blue stuff that just happens in earlier modern enviroments. Beign online in rooms is also not as cool, as this evokes different shadows studying with camera on etc. It works quiet well etc. Yet it's sort of the issue of professionalism and stage blue and just perceiving everything as merit. I don't even enjoy it anymore etc. and the deep meaninglessness in stage orange & blue work structures is huge. Or just people let's say on it's one girl who is very orange, even though she has green elements she has also an eastern accent & is not highly open. It's a huge issue with people who lack experience in diversity. I never thought it could be so serious they don't know how to appeal to emotions. & the point of beauty with her it's to much purple orange, only nature fixes this again at Green. etc. It's odd anyhow.... most likely still very good considering other stuff. Hm.... I dunno I might trip today. I could work on projects again, as people are then more supportive of me etc & I get proper more humane sort of political consciouness cravings etc. Where there rants are even more beautiful I dunno how to express this, yet I might simply do this. Via the company and express interest and do this etc. That is most likely it, I will trip on Saturday or so and express interest and work on this stuff more slowly, so I might have 2 things finished till next year, hopefully they don't have as many hours as the stuff I bought, and it's a better grounding etc. So I can still see etc. Right now it's just evident to me, I would've preferred the business route and creating something of my own, yet I don't have a lot of these cravings maybe mostly in the sexual area where I'd love to fuck every girl in 10k different positions and 100k different places to enjoy the highes of beauty and intimacy and desire. So I dunno just doing this and keeping in contact with the new friend and beign more chill etc. Especially more physical self-care etc. Is quiet important biggest issue I have is with the orderliness and not cleanliness of Germans etc. I dunno right now it's more like finding a high consciouness girl is nearly impossible imo, without very high status as you provide to much security and the beauty culture currently with social media is intense, in contrast you have the more family driven social dynamic which is healthy. So I dunno, I've never been that fortunate if I meet a girl where I can have a conscious family with 2 people, I don't want children etc. Yet with animals etc. I'd be happy without end.

Woke up, I dunno how to go about transcending desires, as a lot of higher & lower desires are evoked in the good fashion instead of the negative desire etc. Mostly currently it's some sort of sleep. So I dunno, the career cravings are gone there are different issues that are an issue with my purpose etc. Yet they are not even there. Some desires for hot liberal girls also at times. Generally I dunno I will go out clubbing on Friday, and working on leadership is something new due to the issue of it beign an entire caretaker paradigm at work with sort of brats I don't like..... I dunno it's very odd and just shows again the issue of stage blue expert stuff. I really don't know what to do about this. Drinking some morning coffee. I hope I can use the ressources and the benefit of me beign diversty at the company better, yet they expect at times a bit to much working with Green seemed also better for very deep skill building as they take away some deep pains in compassion, so there is deeper & faster growth. Working with orange/blue is dipshit so far.

It's odd for me as I had very deep balance sort of, that was on a very slippery slope as it depended on my health, and that has been a random fucking obstacle. So I dunno. I could write about different stuff. Also from the Sadghuru audiobook right when this episode came out a lot of sexual cravings are ended through sports, I highly doubt for example if you'd have the numbers a shaolin monk and a normal monk the more "real rape" stuff would be with the monks instead of the shaoline monks. Yet who knows. I just dunno a lot of my cravings just only come when I meditate deeply otherwise it's just "normal npc life" so I dunno How to go about this. My deepest cravings would be to convert others to higher cravings and still enjoy the lower ones.

It's odd to realize what my cravings are I dunno. I have cravings about skill development that is paired with science & meditation, yet the sensational aspect of enjoying life I most likely could enjoy that endlessly as I get so many spiritual glimpses I don't get when I do the other stuff. I dunno it's very odd to describe... what do I do about the materalistic craving of others who are interested to use others as slaves for their own empire? Like this stage red stuff and give 0 credit and take everything for fucking granted? What can I do about this personally do I have this? Not really have I been affected by this certainly. Also the desire of sex etc. I reduced so much karma, it's alll a desire for deep and rich balance with some excesses etc. It's very odd. I don't crave anymore going to clubs, I crave cannabis & psychdelics if even, then I only crave going out. I crave sex with girls, yet when I see them I don't care as much besides when I intuit a deep connection of masculine and feminine polarity that enriches me spiritually. It's very odd to describe, my deep intuition tells me it all is an issue of not realizing and coming from the masculine contractive type of giving etc. I dunno for me that is something to contemplate about. For example the desire to be a conscious pro gamer / athelete is a karmic desire I have etc. It's not the smartest thing, yet it's more tied to inspiraiton where in science I just don't care anymore. About expert achievers. Yes the achiever part, yet the expert part I lost tons of drive for this. To bring this to holism. etc. My biggest cravings actually are just very deep sleep and audibooks and sort of exhausting the depth of "me in existence" etc. Then a rich social life most likely etc. Yet, at times due to socialization etc. It's odd to build this with authentic people again, it takes a lot of real pain and good spirit & faith in others to build this etc. So yeah... I hope this will go well....!!!

There are patterns I can analyze and solve, currently it's odd especially with materalistic cravings etc & realizing god more etc. This stuff is massive for me etc. It's odd for me how to deal with this etc.

Unsure what to think currently, in terms of life purpose and spiritual practice and how deeply these two things went hand in hand and how the lack of science upbringing costed me some potential stuff, yet there is new hope. It's odd working this way, and just seeing sort of the issue of stages. It's odd I stopped reading a lot, I hope some stuff will fix itself by me working on it etc. I could so some shadow work about the good side of power etc. I dunno how else to frame it currently, the Israel event is odd with all of this religious stuff showing up and the more "stage orange/blue side" of the talks I've been having with some greenish elements & interpretations I did not know Islam allowed gay people to be gay... for talkings sake just not in public which is again blue it's very very odd. Islam is by far the religion I vibed the least with, yet somehow more of this stuff is just coming etc. etc. etc.... So yeah let's see....

Yet he basically gave me the advice I wanted to hear etc. That was very good. So yeah I'll see ... just creating meaning right now is not easy as it comes from work which will involve pride, and I dunno the upsides and downsides of my pride... it's like I am chinese .

Dunno why this journal has so many views: Went out for food Talked with new friend about stuff I see the issue of masculinity, yet I also lived it at the very edge which makes it tricky with the "white masculine paradigm" and the dark side sort of dunno how to express this yet Generally confused about stuff More insight about the work place for the LP & I dunno if working as a techy is the thing as it's so ridden with the merit culture, that I don't enjoy without the deep pure joy sort of I never found an answer for, if you tell me it's truth, I have an allergy to truth, yet not honesty, that is odd for me. I dunno if consciouness will auto-correct, yet if pure goodness is a way, then only through this, especially for me. To much brute force is forcing the wrong thing, I did it plenty of times etc. Anyhow I am just chilling right now I might already be to Truthful for many. For me it's a toxic value and it's more fitting for other personality types, espeically TI strong ppl. In MBTI terms... Right now I dunno the it's more of a matter of executing.... the injury destroyed a lot of healthy young masculinity etc. That has to be replaced with the deep and darker aspects of maturity, difficult to come to grips? to anyhow... it's odd how especially a single unaware girl can't recognize the current female pathology etc. It's odd to describe this, yet it's a general issue both genders sort of face. The more balanced ones are often at the demise of this b.s .....

20-25min meditation: -> Going to eat & found this beauty I am grateful that I am finding a deep wholeness in me when I can hear space & the universe I am grateful that people help me out and create clarity where I lack it due to simply beign an innocent beginner and not knowing I am grateful for everyone who does not cause emotional wounding and extra pain that is not prolific to more organic growth I am grateful and thankful for solving problems with and without the help of others I am grateful for meditation and being less active on the forum and the internet as well as other stuff I am grateful for people who respect me and love me I am grateful for everyone who is not hostile towards my spiritual growth and supportive I am grateful for the turkish girl and the commonalities that we have I hope we can be a supportive TIER 2 couple and I can enjoy this type of work with her I am grateful for beign human

Date was also good, yet no idea what this is leading to .... I wish sexual attraction was more on, yet it's an issue of beign better with the dark feminine when it comes to dating and the world, as this is what makes the guy go crazy etc. Yet, she is just very solid etc. and also from an MBTI types compatibile and interests, she basically likes a lot of things even video games, which is still not so common. Let's see etc. etc. etc. I notice at work nobody cares if you have power or do the work, and if you have power -> do work and get more power.... it's odd... and very simple ....

I fking love cats babuschka blyat cats They are aliens I swear the neighbours cat get's high of the plants in front of my door and then blinks at me they are so curious if my place is super clean and quiet and I am working they just come to cheer me up, like what's wrong human and I fking break ngl, I feel internally broken af then. Project and work insights: I work for me and nobody else I was outsourcing authority and trust due to fear of beign abused by students, as they are not as honest as workers I've meet etc. Working with people who like each other boosts producitivity 100x fold imo, if you're not working on the same desk and distract each other I dunno otherwise just hello

Date was interesting agreed to meet up more a lot a lot of talking and commonalities I due think academia if you strive to be successful kills a lot of nautral sexual attraction.

20 min meditation: Soothing energy of the very deep meditations I had when it was more regular was present and the depth of masculinity I could provide from Love mantra etc. Just generally feeling very good about myself and the world Gratitude Journal: I am grateful to date a cool girl that has an interest in psychdelics, spirituality, video games and personal development I am grateful to have very new chilld friends who are interested in the above all of them and even business! I am grateful to be working at the new company and hopefully I get more money soonish, as a working student I am grateful to not surround myself with easterners who have a very racist worldview and upbringing and cause subtle damage that I felt recently also in my body I am grateful for the resemlbance and difference the girl I am dating has with the girl I feel deeply in love with I am just grateful for conscious coincidences nothing is random, I hope and make a wish Leo stop demonizing spirituality and keeps his word more often This is his weakest point as a man, he can't keep his word, I have this also and I presume this comes from a lack of strong masculine presence within ones family etc.

I ordered also a pill-box to sort all of my nootropics and prepare them for a week etc. It's only a stack of 3 things, and mostly basic stuff I might not get enough due to injury and just eating habits etc. B-12, Iron & L-Theanine. Anyhow let's see etc. About this image & vanity stuff etc.

Anyhow I might make some of these explorations myself soonish~ I'll ask the russian guy who has experience with psychdelics and make some prep either this or next year to take NN-DMT orally etc. To see for myself I think Leo is correct on this, yet lacks shadow work and relational grounding regardless of how many partners, I doubt it a bit, yet if he's good all goodness to him, a yeah deserving paradigm was about goodness.

I think Leo massively underestimates shadow work stuff, the resentments against buddhist seems unreal I wonder even what happend and I care not much about this. The pain stuff with Shinzen he even wants to test them as he thinks it's b.s so I dunno what buddhist did b.s, you should question them more often.

3-2-1 Shadow Work Christina From Work & Leo partially: It feels like she is a power hungry improvement junky, yet only cares about the physical appearance and role subject It feels like she is a stage blue/orange hypocrite who takes all credit for herself and has 0 joy in her life She looks like a blonde, asshole trophy, that can't deal well with the projections of others She feels like a power hungry memory type of person I said so first bla bla, and only cares about her truth and a very narrow worldview of breadwinners It feels like she only cares about breadwinning and nothing else It feels like she is lazy and uninspirational as well as ungrateful for the inspiration others provide and can't verbalize it It feels like she is weak in the sense that she has to take power and can't think in a big picture It feels like she is making pressumptions and can't properly think for others It feels like she puts people in a winner & looser category according to her standards which are very superficial with a benging character She feels like Leo with this power hungryness at times, yet only his posts not his video which is odd She feels like a conservative progressive She feels like a delusional girl who would do anything for power given the right circumstances It feels like she is stuck in a stage red worldview and abuses sex & beauty as a power mechanism and the genderism as points of debate to gain power in the world by beign non-judgemental, yet having a very very rigid opinion about this and denying this like a fake liberal progressive? It feels like she is stuck in an eastern man & women worldview man = strong -> make money -> or gay women -> beautiful -> children -> useless&helpless Alright shadow I won't take forever as I just want to ask you what is your gift, and what can I learn such a person is clearly not interested in personal development and changing herself, she only does thing for merit and most likely also acts in this deserved and undeserved cycle because she is insecure about her skill and only looks to preserve power like an asshole. What is the gift you're teaching me her? Can't you seem you're one and the same you also look out for Nr.1 which is you, by upholding your power, you might do it in a more balanced manner as you give others more credit, yet you also look for merit where you judge something as deserved and undeserved it's mostly also the memory part of it, that triggers you. As you memorize stuff differently and hence come to different conclusions, especially soft skills wise who deserved and does not deserve it, as you see how materalism can counter-act true social skill, and hence become triggered, as you look subconsciously for a lot of room for improvement, yet many want the physical assertive part from you and respect, which is very odd. Many power instead of control driven and we are both, crave a deep baseline of respect from each other, where are you on this? You seemed to be more in control of stuff, yet now it's about power and power is about respect, you you've figured in your worldview it's important to also trigger others and disrespect others who are disrespect full, and at best pay no attention to them, as it takes all power away, as you're not considering their worldview etc. So is this your conclusion in a nutshell? You're not giving them power, and the golden shadow of this we're taken care of in another way, especially the demotivating part and the power hungry lust lords jumping on the success wagon and then being more useful as you're not the best with the practical stuff, yet the more lean innovative stuff where they are utterly useless etc. Even the idea generation part, it feels like one concrete mess instead of concrete purity, that you provide. So what do we do here, what are you teaching and showing? I am showing you, you're also concrete mess at a time, and even when you fully know it, you're not making the effort to create a concrete idea, as it takes a lot of effort. Is that okay with you? Yes, it's okay, if you feel like walking on eggshells, then you can clearly see we're the same as I feel the same to you the irony of a shadow of a shadow or what is this b.s? Well, I tell you this you're making presumptions of the projections of others they have of themselves which are not true to their character in that sense, yes she is stupid, so what can you and I do about this? At best you leave such a person be it's like a dumb animal that is not interested in psychdelics or even becoming a cartoon wolf, as long as it's somewhat normal, and not toxic to health. You see this and understand this? Yes ..... alright, yet I am a conservative progressive I somehow like this bro. Yes you are you are more assertive than ever, and respectful also, as you've learned to deal with manipulators through having insight, some just continue to do it as they focus on depth of cosnciouness and guilt, these are the lowest dogs of dogs, don't deal with them. Like you saw yesterday if you have no fear there is nothing to fear even when you feel guilty, usually 99.9% of the time the other one did some bullshit otherwise he/she would not subtely manipulate for power. I am the one who manipulaters for power I am the one who is a conservative progressive I am the one who is more in power favour currently than control, as you see control as weak I am the one who is subconsciously looking for steady improvement in others work I am the one who is thinking in black & white about who is deserving and undeserving I am a conserative materalistic prick, about who I mate, date and fuck I am a conserative idea creator by not focusing on the purity of the idea, yet only on the concreteness and practicality I am the one who is not interested in working on himself in terms of personal development anymore and only cares about money I am the one who is memorizing stuff correctly, yet changes plans due to assumptions due to very subtle agreements and needs other power driven people to help make correct decisions, control is of no use here. I am the one who is like Leo and Christina a power hungry spiritual and materalistic seeker at times I am the one who can't make a proper distinction but claims to make them so, yet also does them I am in conflict with myself and when I see others who are in conflict with themselves I abuse it for power gains I am the one who gives others who're worse of negative identities like looser, asshole, piece of shit etc. I am the one who craves purity and can put that into an eastern faltout racist context of superfifical beauty or only biological hallmarks and standars instead of purity of soul, which for me is the true eastern spirit. Like having a pure aura about s1, more often than others etc.

Going to do some shadow work, with the girl at work today, at best right after this. It's mostly the stage red issue of power I also see in Leo more, and it's an annoying field as it's mostly just Makyio bias, in some sense and you never know if the person went crazy, as you can't be the first one to make these claims it's just beyond stupid, it's utter foolery and conaristry like Trump 101. It's difficult to explain what I mean, yet it just triggers toxicity especially in me verbal toxicity, as there is a lack of cross-reference and it's mostly from power-hungry unintuitive ppl, I highly doubt for example that Sasaki Roshi at 100 years old watching american cartoon tv, did the same, just based on an intense amount of practice, that is what I mean it's a pure state chasing shadow there is 0 fking 0 stablization of anything. It's fantasy. That is what I don't like about Leo the tangible which he is so good at is missing for whatever reason, due to innovation drive? I dunno it's odd, i can't take the post seriously due to the American languaging and him not seeing the effects of it, but it's all bullshit right? I know what he wants to point to, as there are so many degress of awaekning still it's one of the core driver of many I find he lacks maturity in dealing with such ppl and generally posts to much in all of these drama sections and builds a very weird worldview out of it. I dunno, it's odd speaking to real people in public, no one would even doubt it besides they are true assholes, yet it's still on a gut lvl at times feeling facing some childish Trump/Musk element like in my A.I doctor friend anyhow.