ValiantSalvatore

The point is I wasted a lot of time, due to contradictionary experiences and I keep learning I am beign very patient from my pov, yet I naturally take risks unconsciously that mostly make this "impatience" to something worthwhile, although I agree and I worked on it for a couple of months, and stop activities that cause this kind of internal mindset to errupt. It's only a work students position, so I gain experience in a field and can even work on new projects the more I network, and my business networking is pretty good, even for just contacts etc. As I am very likeable by character and by looks. The point is it's about vision and self-motivation, and I struggle with the value of mastery and consistently doing PD solo, without talking about it with a friend who is serious and due to injury I can't partake in a lot of activities that benefitted my having joy in my work. Like playing soccer, basketball and any ballsports, just hitting the gym there are so many mistakes, that I can't even pillot this, especially as German gym culture is not as strong as American ones, so you don't find a lot of people who self-experiment, and went through a bit of extra struggle and can give tipps. It's very low effort thinking and I can't do it as well with my injury it's better to continously get feedback and talk, and this is extremely exhausting. I also talked to a career advisior here, yet he lacks direct insight within the industry. I might visit the GamesCom (huge video game convention) to speak to developers within that industry then I covered a huge section of what's possible. The point is I don't find the right kind of balance and go to deep for no "direct purpose" it's more nuanced as a lot of outside activites that I don't have direct control like, it's ridiculous how effective a small change is such as not drinking coffee, and having a cold shower for recovery. The former I can do the latter currently not. I just notice so many barries that I become subtely dejected with the people who just do it for merit and have their merit hype crew and just would exploit like pirates, and I bet you can imagine the other scenario of beign looked at as the good guy. Which just makes you a target for XXX projections and loads up to much work, for people who are beign abusive and toxic. I also wasted a lot of time, due to have many passions and beign thrown of balance to often and the general nature of gaslighting Germans if they are unconscious merit seekers, and just pragmatic fools with no love. I often know that I am not doing enough and I struggle with recovery and energy, due to just not beign able to test more solutions, yet I can ask for cold water lol, for recovery of muscles and the doctors are also not very helpful and it dejects me for dating also, as girls have a lot of expectations and I develop an extrem hatred for the opposite gender if they crave this provider, as it's only a role and not my humanity/character and even personality. I just was physically playful a lot what I can't enjoy as much and I keep having fears, as it's serious and I don't want to be 50 and I can't walk properly anymore the point is nobody can give me proper advice and I have to listen to myself, it's an extreme amount of responsibility that just drives me at times crazy and how I enjoy life was seriously restricted. Playfulness and spontaneity was seriously restricted so it affects my LP and skill development a lot, as I just can't go outside do a 30 min hit exercise and come back, no I have to schedule it and enjoy it, and I burned out a couple of times. I bet not offically, yet I notice I don't generally enjoy life as much anymore, and I comeback to toxic video games, and without meditation I practically would be done for, as this is the only way to re-programm myself effectively without psyches. I also turned 29, so it's not the best of salaries and I could have made a lot more money, if I had more emotionaly stabillity within my life, yet I can only learn and grow so much. The salary is for me not enough, due to the socialist nature of this country, I don't feel I would make enough to sort of accept the merit and point drive cravings of stage orange exellence. Although there are benefits of this also, I will move to the U.S the projections are at times to much and I don't enjoy dating life in Germany, and German girls are extremely materalistic, and I don't really function within the social sphere as well to enjoy the deterministic type of small talk and the undercurrent of racism I feel in my stomach. For me I don't quiet comprehend what serious and passion can lead to the level of consistency I crave for, as I don't have the tools to re-ignite passion as effectively as before, and I keep subtely self-sabotaging by writting for example this post, and just having also different opinions at times, where I don't know if it's for my benefit and or not. I also meet a lot of extremely succesful people, and for me the biggest passion is tasting consciouness in every aspect of my life, and the fulness of it and beauty, without it it would be to boring and dry, and to enjoy this takes serious patience. Passion dwindles for me very often, so I connect to consciouness mostly. I had so many of them, it's difficult to describe all of this, as I know what would work for me, yet I simply can't do it with a better enviroment, at times it's really conscious girls who can ignite my heart, as I am deeply romantic by nature, yet the materalistic and merit type stage orange culture sort of makes this to mechanical and I don't experience love via gifts, mostly quality time & touch. I will pursure it deeply and connect to it as well as I can, the point is there are so many ends, I don't know what will happen and when I listen to my intuition I feel ike a little more rationality would not be to bad, due to injury as I can't afford to many mistakes. Also due to the nature of stage orange beign cold-hearted and unperceptive it makes it also tricky to follow stage orange passion and talking to Green is exhausting af, as they just don't comprehend and just allow 99.9% of the stuff. Anyway this was pretty long, I don't know if I can get to any conclusions out of this thinking for hours is very exhausting and I often integrate changes anyway, due to having done a lot of pd at times it just does not work out. One thing that bothers me is how others can enjoy it so much, I often automatically go away from it, I don't enjoy solving problems as it so many orange/blue types who do it, the enviroment is so toxic, I would like to do smth. else. Although I hope the reality will show me a different playing field than university.

Yeah I feel confident with Google, although most likely any data security guy/girl will explain 10k possible leaks, when I translated some law from Google to German it was pretty decent for their fitness api, Google FIT. I also trust them mostly, and I feel very comfortable and although the data similar to Samsung that they have is quiet sensetive, I don't usually make as much of a fuss, as I don't know how valuable this data generally speaking is besides for military and business purposes. I don't know how valuable health data is and they fundamentally have free disposal over it to some extend, obviously trading and thrid party selling etc. is forbidden. I never went into IT-Security only a tiny, tiny tiny bit. Not worth mentioning. It's supposed to be twice as powerful as ChatGPT I can't imagine that I am just happy for humanity to have a technological glimmer of hope, that will help us tremendously. Similar to a Star Wars type of vision. I was surprised to also see nothing about FreedomGPT, I downloaded and tested it, yet it was pretty bad, so no surprise. Many companies are asking for A.I already, especially it's fascinating the the old unversity I was at exactly depicted this type of vision. Only thing missing is a space ship, with a Google Cock logo. I do have a seminar about these natural language models with the GPT model, and I will talk to the professor about this, and what she thinks ideally, I can't promise it. I might post about it then if it's interesting and if there are development opportunities. It's better most likely if everyone can build and play with their own A.I tools, and I bet Google (already does to some extend) will allows this more to happen than Open A.I, especially publically. Maybe even build one from scratch and fine-tune it, that definitely would be dope. I hope Musk sort of comes to an end in terms of Politics and Twitter, I would not know if my data is secure with Musk, if he just does what he wants. I like both Microsoft and Google, Google a tad more, yet ultimately I don't know how I lost respect for Musk after he went republican and how toxic his fanboys usually are that use twitter and adhere to his politics. I doubt I would buy a Tesla for instance, even when I really loved to have one years back. If there is a German car with A.I I will just buy that, as I know the right people have been abused. I never liked Facebook & Twitter even before Musk etc. Although I feel Meta is okay, yet I don't like the idea of breaking human contact to much.

It's supposed to give people an experience of what it can be, similar to a psychdelic just with science. I am curious if it can just aid getting to deeper states etc. I doubt it's god-realization any of this mostly the classic buddhist path to non-duality, but actualy non-duality no the b.s that is claimed as non-duality and is just stream entry and other stages. It also depends which psychdelic I highly doubt that it can emulate a NN-DMT and or 5-MeO-DMT experience, and Shinzen could be aware. He did deity yoga type practices & people come with all type of questions from traditions&pratices to him. I highly value Ralston and Shinzen, I can go pretty deep with his techniques although they cause kriyas for me. It's very good practice that is extremely affordable, though when you can do it solo it does not matter as much. His techniques have a lot of variety and depth to it, as due to the nature of it beign many and having mixed traditions. It's also very exhausting. Yet it's not god-realization. I don't even know what that is even when watching the videos, and I still prefer to verify instead of spreading doubt. I use Shinzens techniques, they are effective for me as well as zen meditation, especially choiceless-awareness and self-inquiry these 3 things work the best for me, I use currently his "metta-paradigm" of being good, and give my best to dovetail it with Ralston insights, as I have no idea what the guy teaches besides his books. As I talked to Shinzen and visited his home practice and life practice program. In his book he clarifies a lot of mystecism from a buddhist perspective historically and he did a shit ton of practice. I'd still say he is highly underrated, yet his techniques are not so good for people with trauma/shadows, as far as I know and talked to one other person online. The expansion and contraction paradigm is super sweet for meditating and also his ideas of wisdom function and creative work etc. I had some benefits to this for studying. I like it as he is not agains thinking and just shutting down the mind, although the techniques can do that. If I can have a 30-20 minute taste with a device like this, without only doing psyches, and ground myself in different states. That'd be pretty dope. He can be a little rigid, so I dunno. This is my impression of the device. He did LSD and Cannabis as far as I know as psychdelic no idea if he did other stuff, yet he is pretty open, I usually would love to check back with him even doing psyches as he is pretty open, and can just honestly tell me if I went beyond smth. and or not, relatively honestly.

Dunno this was my first taste of what spirituality could be, besides seeing shaolin monks on TV. I am not much into this, as it's subtle fearmongering, yet I am still at times interested into some level of the occult, yet when I posted this I was recommended a video about Birdman beign Gay, and part of the stonemasons, and I had to stop that rabbit hole. It's still interesting as someone who loves this stuff showed me some insight, and it's most likely even true. Although it has nothing to do with the truth, it's good entertainment mostly. I can't also tell if Leo is joking about stuff like this, yet I am pretty sure he read about the occult. It's also cool art in a sense, yet I don't like this sh*t at times. Would just be funny if this is true. I'll definitely read the book at one point.

Shinzen is still building/researching for a device that can produce enlightenment: https://semalab.arizona.edu/ https://www.jaysanguinetti.com/ Ur welcome! Imagine having professors like Shinzen, clarity beyond studying!

@CARDOZZO I don't integrate it to well, due to slowing down mostly and to many changes in enviroment. Mostly it has been making distinctions and an idea from another audiobook about exellence and developing curisoity for the boring stuff. Creating states from scratch New impulses for new learning especially if old stuff does not work Following as a principle to leading if a newb and learning (his example of go) Practicing subtely creating new states from scratch Contemplating how consciouness and the taste I had plays a role in all of this Changing strategies if it does not serve the result/process Even more process oriented thinking (I am quiet natural at this, yet not the best at getting results) To imagine to create states from scratch and do it, when I don't like a circumstance etc. Coming from a placed of relaxed "indifference" and not reactivity as a baseline state for mastery This is mostly it. I notice it the most during weight training I still struggle with my lp due to injury and the lack of big picture thinking in academia etc. I applied to a conscious company and they loved me so far, so I hope stuff can work it for the better in terms of LP etc. Currently self-motivation as an eq concept is not easy. I am convinced you can't do it alone etc. Still at times the notion of having others holds me back, when I feel I don't provide as much value as I'd like to, and just how introverted my life style is etc. So yeah I struggle to integrate this in my life purpose. I am also playing with the idea to let go of a life purpose, as I know what I want and focus more on values and build a vision organically, so my enviroment is conducive and I use some tools, the success journal I have is great. Overall I miss states that make me feel succesful and masterful and aid in getting results. I read in a lecture I had the pride can be a form of self-love in positive computing, so I am playing around the visualizing a lot of love notions and how I'd like to be based on internal states and beign, yet only 30 minutes a day, I don't have much more time, and the arrogance of the forum subtely destroyed a shit ton of healthy friendships and more "normal" and patient growth type of experiences. It's like an anti-beauty subtle hatred spread in a sense, and vanity can feel like hate I notice. To give an example I am 30 minutes out of the session, and gave myself the best to connect self-love, life-long learning and the goals I have without feeling angry and resentful and to create new states from here. It feels like a holistic growth feeling of self-healing. I really love life, when I can connect that deeply with my heart.

The audiobook is great, can recommend especially while training and doing smth. I feel I can get a better taste of what he meant. Also outside of martial arts. I am quiet happy with it. I listened to it 3-5 times approx.

How did you come to this conclusion/insight through psychdelics as well as reading and thinking, in that sense using ones head? I will hopefully be able to take some DMT orally in the near future, yet survival is still priority NR.1. I also apologize once to write to you "dirty rat" jokingly as I was tripping out during a kriya experience at a home retreat, and had some more shadow type experiences with anger, gaslighting and skeptecism. I really felt bad because of this the last couple of days, when I checked the messages I sent here. This is clearly gaslighting, yet survival really f*ed me the last couple of years, and I did not really know what I was doing, and I had to re-do even the most subtlest pattern of things that caused this, and I found the culprit. I also never knew that I am so sensetive. So again I apologize. I generally do better and I am glad somehow that I don't "have" to use the forum so often anymore, and can actually enjoy it for entertainment and spiritual work and companionship, especially psychdelics, I hope I can create the life style to finally do retreats and psyches and verify what you say and grow personally, and financially without using this forum anymore. I never noticed how bad it affected me, yet I was only a lurker to beginn with who put in the work, asking for some gudiance, as this still today helps me tremendously with the value of clarity, and it's a strength I also would love to cultivate further.

I mean it's interesting I did not know someone serious researched this I just looked her up, I only know this from a rap song from Ab-Soul. This tripped me so out when I was young and tasted weed for the first time, I still get goose-bumps so badly when I listen to it now. This so good hahahaha I can't.

I am amazed by people who can enjoy mathematics at this level for me it had a strong cultural and classic western connection that was never fully served, as I was in musical school and enjoyed playing chess, yet my family had no interest in these things, and I could not handle the pressure alone and how unwise my family acted, when I had emotionaly problems they just get angry. This also caused me to have an interest in eastern philosohpy most likely as they dealt with the idea of self-control and temperance in a different way. I do I enjoy it, yet I had to reframe most task solving as a chess puzzle and some other tricks. I dislike how anti-conceptually it is currently taught to me, and how good professors care more about conceptual depth than solving problems, due to the generalist type of demand that can exist in the tech field. A friend of mine is similar to you, who did all of this at home and just enjoys it organically and does his Ph.D in A.I, yet his politics are screwed every since survival forced him into this way of thinking and the war in Ukraine etc. and a death of his family member, he seems to be doing better, yet it's unfortunate when life circumstances prevent dreams from fully blossoming. I hope a psychdelic could change his mind and aid his work, if he already connected so many deep patterns, yet he keeps ruining his health and just does his work. I dunno I at least exercised with him for 2-3 months, the lonliness of beign at the top is immense. He is also socially not as dense and can actually listen and take care. Also the issue of the schooling system and testing is a huge issue imo, especially also beign hypersensetive not having a musical and physical outlet is extremely bad. Top technical unverisities (in the u.s) have very rigorous physical programms for their students, my old neighour an old judge and his daugther both also fall into this pattern. For me math never fully works if I don't have a creative and physical expression of some type. Actually this is interesting thank you for commeting on my writting, I completely forgot this is a serious pattern I did not consider, as I was good in mathematics when I had music classes.

I am not very good at mathematics either, I was good at it when I was younger and had joy to do the homework. Also due to mechnical bias, and me beign more emotional it's not a good fit, even though I am good/average mostly. I disliked the peer pressure of mathematic classes and the stage organge rigidity of it. I wish I had more influence to see the beauty of mathematics and it's patterns, and the abillity to love mechnical explanations and things, I am doing my best to embrace this since years, even if it's not the truth. I hope I can still take one course with the good professor to learn something of him, physicists are generally on another level and he invented an ml algorithm, as well as appreciates creativity and runs around with a hat. Hopefully I get the chance I never had such good professors who actually care. Although they are very rigid about school knowledge, and the issue of image within science. I dunno even when I do the stuff, I only like calculus and statistics and linear algebra so far. I don't enjoy the other things so much. I am not particulary good at any of it, yet I like it so much I would do it at home to advance my career/life purpose. I also score below average on emotional scale, yet I disliked how socially unskilled many of these people are it's like they confuse truth with every concotion of their mind and then attack others to justify their believes. I am glad I meet better scientist. The job interview I had for a development position the guy just smiled at me the whole time and was so happy I had social skills unlike many others. Unsocial scientist who woreship materalism and IQ, is by far the worst and most damaging aspect of academia, the only guy I meet who made significant contributions did not have insecurities around these concepts and held them to any glory. It's the biggest hallmark of immaturity to be so arrogant and conceited. I am glad I am gone from a university where many acted on this blue/orange mechanistic paradigm. It's super disgusting.

Similar to the idea of that with Annunaki? I only know this from rap music. I loved the idea, yet it scared the living shit out of me to consider it a possibility. DNA of the Gods By Chris H. Hardy, Ph.D. Do you mean the idea from her? I did not know someone serious researched this. I bought Up From Eden from Wilber to re-think evolution, yet did not read it, yet due to to many changes and demands, yet is the idea generally speaking from this source?

The best example is musicians/artists these are the true genuises and creatives as well as anyone who can channel that spirit into any possible endeavour. To go to op's question I just presume a lot of truth-seekers are interested in finding truth where they perceive it to be, if they are not doing it spiritually they will channel this vigor, "panache"... into any possible endeavour be it law, politics, music, mathematics, film making, user interface design, physics, sex,electronics etc. I doubt many did legit spiritual practices and just had tastes of what truth is, and what is true to them, so many highly intellecutal people just find that in their work in fact most people most likely get a taste of it while they work in activity. This is also quiet conscious yang type of energy mostly when work is done deliberately with conscious intent, and not with a system of thought claimed to be "Truth". Which is absolute horseshit. I notice especially after a few of Leo's recent blog posts, why I was even interested in psychedelics and also why I disliked the idea of truth, as it's often abused as dogma and the people I meet where very rigid mostly. For me Truth = Reality, and that reality even exists is an ingenuity and genuis of itself. Nature is a genius. I so far only had two good math teachers and professors, and they both enforced original thinking and coming up with things from ones own thinking, I do say learning how to problem solve is generally an extremely good idea, just to get used to the level of pain and frustration that can invoke and survival, and how beign creative is a pool of enjoying a richness of ideas and putting them into ones own abillity. I recently had to re-think this also as the 10kh rule is false and the skill development and mastery stuff, as I noticed I had shadow parts in my values, and still strong "light" parts. Apprently it's more to 760 - 16000h rule for mastering something, I do believe these geniuses had one main thing going for them and just put these into practices where they found similarities of their endeavour be it lateral thinking etc. ( I am not a cognitive scientist etc.) It's like when I imagine I meditated for close to 3k h and I still don't have a "classic attainment" and you meet teachers and they still see the spark and potential of it in you, it's annoying to admit how important strategy and mastery is and intensity of practice. Also how well psychdelics and retreats work together, and how rare it is to find a teacher openly admitting to cross-validate experiences. It's extremely exhausting, like mastering any field. I admire some of these people for their abillity to have subversive abillities to go against the grain of what ever percetable truth they find. They recommend for example to go on a 3 month retreat, and you basically have it by sheer intenisity of practice. I had to many odd tastes, and the first time I went on a home retreat, I had a taste of non-duality that surpised the teacher, I also lost consciouness almost as I was to deep into this. I had to rewire my brain & thinking in the last couple of months to realize how biased reality is and how much I have naturally thought in higher order thinking, yet had lacked tools for note-taking for higher-order thinking and processing. As I am better at synthesis than technical analysis. It's insane it's like when I intuit I meet others who are extremely good at spotting trends before they exist, how enjoyable it is to synthesis information, especially also spiritual information. I miss the level of spiritual humillity in a lot of teachers. I doubt I will ever find one. I don't synch well with the value of truth, yet I notice how important it is. So I am making it a top 10 value, as in the relative domain it's super important. Might even be more important than spiritually for many etc. Anyway my 10 cents, I won't buy 1D-LSD and most likely will buy an electric guitar lmao.

rofl They look amazing though

Wow the Dyson Sphere is named after him, I did not know incredible!

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gottfried_Wilhelm_Leibniz I found him to be fascinating, I don't usually nerd out anymore on these topics, yet I got side-tracked while I studied and found out how early I was interested in holistic topics and series, that are quiet rare to find in itself. For me it's amazing any human could have done this so early.

This is a vision I also share when I was deeply influnced by psychedelics and contemplating the idea, as well as, also contemplating the dysotopian nature of humanity. It's indeed very fascinating I doubt a true A.I could comprehend what consciouness could entail if it does not have tools of it own, or could perfectly emulate it. It would be interesting if there legit will be a device in the near future 100 years +-50 for a tool that could give rise to consciouness in humans by technolgical and not "natural/chemical" way, I don't know what an electron counts for if it's simply a physical object, yet it would be interesting to make matter conscious definitely. it will be very interesting, let's see I am not a technical "crack" in this, yet it's still interesting that consciousness itself constructed it just by sheer theory and having had a big taste of it etc etc. I do say the question if it is conscious is only largely a matter of decisions, it will be interesting how humans will be perceived most likely with the "subtle issue" of mental purity and beautification and holding it subtely as glory I am glad somehow the mindfulness community etc. Was put more into practical domain currently and is mostly esoteric and helps with the meritocracity drive and exellence drive of many for example. It would be interesting if an A.I due to just beign feed with data could give me direct feedback on states of consciouness and maps that would save reading a gazzilion of books and terminologies and aid a truely "clean" autonomous... way of consciouness. When I tested some of the stuff I read from Wilber it gave me false information and I correct it partially. I legit love ChatGPT it amazing I am also hopefully getting more into the technology, based on a recent project I had and just the pure demand and misunderstanding of it. It's a huge opportunity to have someone teach this to you project based etc. At one point thought this has to be regularized, if my neurons could consistenly train themselves that well and adapt. It would be interesting if an a.i could blend in so well with humans, so that we never notice, even if we meet aliens, so the aliens also don't notice, that'd be funny.

1D-LSD is currently legal in Germany, so you don't have to worry in a sense of running out, it's openly sold in Berlin currently like with 1V-LSD or what that exactly was. There is also a YouTuber OpenMind who is German selling it in his online-shop. It's a notch more expensive, yet currently legal and should be there asap. You can get it online legally currently, before it's banned again most likely by NPSG.

How do you take it orally in pill form? I did some research yesterday as I had time, and I saw that it's recommended to do it in a Cold-Start Rig and also a Dab Rig, I saw you recommended to take it orally and in one comment while researching yesterday mentioned "dab rig is best" to paraphrase. When I did some testing with the vape kit I bought I found a proper inhalation technique that was relatively easy to do as the device allowed for deep inhales etc. with close to 0 pressure on the lungs while all the vaped poured out of my nostrils, although it took me 10-20 attempts and I did not recreate it as I never smoked afterwards and IIRC I had this odd experience I journaled once about... I would prefer to not damage my health so much, so I would be curious to ask how this can be taken orally, as I did not find anything on the net yesterday about this. Or will this be part of the psychdelic course? I still have some NN-DMT and would prefer to take it orally, if this is possible, out of my own curiosity I would love to test it with hashish in a Dab Rig type setup, although I would like to test it pure first, and also make smaller steps & progress here. Also an interesting information is this currently 1D-LSD is completely legal in Germany, and there are open shops selling this on the street. I will order most likely next week and the prices are similar for each shop selling it, before it is banned again be the NPSG. I can post links as it's completely legal currently, yet sourcing is not allowed and it's mostly for German users. If you'd be fine with this I could share it. Otherwise if others read this they can inform themselves. Currently it's legal and sold openly, due to not beign part of the NPSG law. When I searched actualized.org I did not find any info about 1D-LSD, I thought most would already know this and I am late on this.

CLOSED FOR 100 DAYS

Generally it has become a huge problem to find someone to talk to, and I don't get some attitudes as well as other stuff. I am still so massively different. As well as I don't know fully who to talk to as some trigger some stuff where I notice. I don't have a resort to talking to. I leave it be. I leave this open for now, as I might post about constructive stuff, even when stuff here is toxic, it's better toxicity than my family who just sees me as this arrogant prick apparently, as I had so much fear and I do well and get a lot of passion/enthusiams. This should be fine I can't talk to my aunt I noticed she changed to much and I don't really resonate with her. This is also a fundamental distraction, I post more when I have breakthroughs currently the energetic quality at times stuff etc. It's fine, I can't waste a single day anymore, I might post my meditation sessions in the morning I am so happy writting a brief report and sharing it. I am not reflecting here anything. I just sometimes lack. I don't quiet find the right people to talk to, and I find to many attitudes. I'll think about these value at times. I can't speak to anyone in my family besides my mother, they just lash out and get angry and use a very bad parenting strategy based on behaviourst type of thinking without empathy. I feel as though they have given up, it felt better to not have the journal, yet sometimes I might miss a slight edge and or post of recognition as I get only these appreciations for breakthroughs in my family. I have to go now also. I leave this here for meditation posts. I feel better ever since I have more positive future outlooks and I am still looking for the right kind of threads, and I'll see how well this works now, now that I am at a more healthy space. I know I can't talk to anyone within my family it's impossible.

2. Random post of the week. (Max) My success journal arrived. I will use this now and focus again on how well I can on the practical side of success, even thought it's very isolation and I could cry at times, the point that I notice is this, how iffy it is to strike a balance with spirituality and just habits etc. Food etc. As well as how much I can't even enjoy listening to rap music currently, because of how money centric it is, even if the attitude is correct apparently to enjoy it and to have fun, which I always craved. I guilt tripped myself into not to as this = maturity. As well as the layers and layers of unknowns. I still have plenty of time to build real skills, and even if I "wasted" a huge opportunity, I did not have enough strength and I frankly resent the immaturity and childishness of friend and family on how to deal with death of a family member. It's such a dumb expectation to think oh hey nothing changes, while everything is externalized and nobody cares about the internal stuff. Now their entire family gives them their wealth, which I never saw any honor in. I don't know what to think about this. I notice facing my fear and continuing building. I seriously might quit actualized.org, simply because it has been racist, homophobic, utterly biased and takes very little responsbility to personal attacks and snipping, as well as most members are very bad at enacting what Leo teaches, that makes him seem to get bitter at the ones who are actually implementing the stuff. If this continues to have a negative influence I quit for good. I don't know how often I say it, yet I am doing better daily, and I know I will hate and resent some people for their actions and attitudes. As they can't fathom and and evaluate from arrogance, not empathy, not understanding, not comprehension nothing like this. There is 0 alturism at times here present, and even if the forum is content wise cleaner, enviroment matters. The more I listen to atomic habits I can clearly see, I might should have never followed Leo Gura, even when I like him. I don't feel I can have that much of an authentic interaction with him without turning to dark, so there is always a social veneer level of interaction. Which is fine, and good for feedback. I just find it odd, if I would have asked for help earlier I might could have gotten it, yet I felt so lost and overseen and taken for granted, and the gaslighting language of Leo and other members is a serious threat to acting like a mature leader. As well as embracing inner child notions, which is the real issue and authenticity etc. The point is near me somehow people steadily talk about things that involve status and presitige in some manner and or not. As this is real. I also have strong cravings to make a lot of money and seen how "disgusting and corrupt" some programms etc are. I might not take to do even something soulless, yet my passion is more in A.I even A.I art and digital art. Beauty, beautiful constructions etc, yet this work (even stereotyp I am a bit tired of seeing toxic eastern attitudes about black ppl it's the worst I have ever seen and witnessed). I do have to see how to work with this stuff, and be more practical and chill, also to eventually get of actualized.org, I never contemplated how bad the online enviroment could be, and I felt a stronger connection to Leo, as I was doing more of the work, yet it became so exhausting and barely anyone did this. The balance of this also enforces an extrem maturity close to an elite athlehtes level of performance studying, working & meditating for 1h-30min is not so easy, most have nothing going for them here. This is the biggest issue I am faced with to find a community, not only discord etc. For developing deep coding skills. So I still use this plattform and if it get's to toxic I seriously quit, I don't know if I ever quit, as there is no other place like this on the web, and contemplating how "toxic" humans are. I am glad etc. As well as how much trial&error and new mindsets I am still implementing. The meditation sessions still feel great to post here. I am going to use the journal and also the two minute habits, there are so many processes I wasted so much time, and it's better to do some stuff, also the level of projections and clowning level of gaslighting. Makes this forum generally for anyone honest and intersted etc. A clown. I could get a date started with a cute scientist girl who is into yoga/meditation, and I bet I could do psychdelics with her, also the new marketing I am seeing gives me hope for proper green/Yellow and it's insane someone is building turqouise lc's.... I might seriously quit this and do the work, also in all honor to Leo, even when I see him immature, especially this russian side of him and the non-serious attitude etc. I use the new success journal. This tool is for me! Me!! YES! And not for anyone else. I'd also like to change this sh*tf*ck of a name and fk*ng micer mentality of an a**hole name, that I devoted to a friend, as I honestely believed in his path, and his stup*d*ty destroyed mine and it was a bad influence I see at times how sensetive I am. I hate it when people withhold information, can't be honest and point out flaws directly without causing to much harm, as well as not provide steady feedback etc. The point even now still is, with the new earnest, Leo could still ban 30% of the members, to cause less toxicity and snipping and gaslighting via text. It's will swap over quickly. THe point is for me I am not good at recognizing what he does not care about, as I care about such subjects more apparently. I just find it odd, how tricky it is to interact on the website. I find it even difficult to journal about self-improvement as it generally feels like a mental hospital and worse at times, and people seriously write shit in here. As well as some notions are just horrendous. The point is I don't find a good way to speak about my fears and take action, Leo legit gave me a lot of encouragement, the point is the world is so diverse. I just have to see and proceed and continue to be practical, the point is I don't enjoy the provider and hypergamy notions of many girls, and how much study and action all of this takes. As well as the negative attitude of Leo I find at times, it's very pessimistic, and I do better under optimism, and I often find conflicting evidence, of what works for me and for him. The point at least not currently this survival shit was so real, I seriously considered learning mystery type of game, this evolutionary paradigm. Is also the biggest shit I've encountered. I also keep wasting time by thinking and writting about this, I wonder if I make progress. If it's all survival why not learn survival game? If it's all hypergamy? Why not etc. etc. I know it's about passion and love, yet how fake 90% of the people here are it's insane. That is why I seriously might quit and just do other stuff. I'll do the success journal and head to uni and implement more of the 2 minute habits. The forum generally speaking is to immature, that was something my gut feeling was telling me. I never had the inclination to join this forum etc. It's insane when I contemplate what happens and I might seriously leave this place. Leo keeps making fun of it also. I might just take the russian counter-intutive path and do the impossible paradox, of what ever that might be. Anyway. Take the teachings and run. I might just come here for game and this journal. As well as focus on habits. As well as write away strengths and weaknesses of this forum. As well as stop interacting to much with toxic foreigners who have bias and are simply beign discriminatory. I am to honest by nature to undergo this, and I can cherish Leos sincerity. Just at times it's a bit to much diversity, I see this at uni also, lower stages are absolutely racist, and they should also be tested at times for these attitudes. This can cause performance drops etc. It's quiet serious, and I don't know if it's good etc. I for sure have some insecurities, again etc. This has not point the success journal has more value. I am out now mostly. I don't feel like I am appreicated neither loved and taken care for here. The new journal is also to much effort to sustain to, and it takes me a lot of energy to spread this alturism, compassion etc. A few members etc. Send me hearts etc. I clearly also see why, as I wrote this from clear intentions, I am so out and glad to be out when I see others are doing it without this .org, the over skeptical gaslighting and subtle toxicity etc.

30 min meditation: Not really possible to do more, as I have to go to an appointment with a company because of a university project, and there is a traffic jam today Feeling slightly better, I still see the hypocracy of the forum, and gain it's very obvious I questioned Leo's leadership abillity and immaturity and suffered significantly because of this and his arrogance, I felt this pain deeply and thought about leaving, and how everyone kiss up, instead of giving real criticism and he does not realize his impact at times, seriously not. Gratitude Journal I am grateful for stating that I am angry and what I am angry about I am grateful for the current opportunity I have I am grateful to feel less hatred I am grateful for seeing the sun out today, and that I can deeply study mathematics and a.i technology I am grateful to have less doubters and skeptics that are not rational enough to speak to me I am grateful for feeling through my level of vulnerabillity I am grateful to know I am not Green and that hot and sexy girls are attracted to me I am grateful to take more action and to see the hypocracy of dating

Using my first post of the week to post randomly also without clarity. I do have to say, when I contemplate which members left as well as which types of people answer my threads, it's sort of insane. How well the people seemingly do who interact less with actualized.org, it's quiet critical when I contemplate what type of gut feelings I get at times, and how evolutionary oriented most are, most of my post 95% are all from journaling, so I thought I use it as a tool. At the moment I notice. How some of the forum stuff is against my natural tendencies and I dislike it when women and men, start subtle hate talks about gender. As well as just riff of their emotions, I did my fair share of testing this here, and I stop completely venting does not work. I find it tricky at times deadling with this. I might quit for good, as I don't see the communal value and it's insane how fast dating deteriorates regardless which gender it is, this bothered me since I was a kid, I might just apply the advice and see how it goes. The irony of Leo's maturity video is that most of his immaturities either were already inside of me and came out into the light, or/as well they rubbed of on me, especially the verbal type of stuff. I never had an inclincation to do this, yet since my grandma died, and Leo cut through with arrogance, it became an issue sort of for me, as I thought I can do the same. Ultimately ngl, I don't know if it helped and or not, I certainly notice how septic my nervous system is at times. When I see how greedy and impatient most people are and judge each other and shame each other. I also get as triggered by right-wing Germany as Leo does most likely by right-wing America. Currently, I notice how much and even more responsibility and action I am taking in my life, as well as how much sacrifice it takes, and why dating is so tricky, as I legit did a lot of advanced work. Most are very stuck in orange/blue and the LC's of turoquise etc. Don't even really exist have you noticed? This is what I find the most tricky to create, as it's so costly and it does not fully need to be like this, obviously a small version of this is possible, I also don't actively recall it from the book. I hope this will work out and I see how I am already implementing better systems. This is superb. The point is if things go as they are going it will still take me 2-3 years to be finished with the 2 degree (masters), I wasted to much time and Leo shared also stuff super late to train it. All in all I hope the training and fitness and just a workstudents position is okay, this hypergamy of online-dating and the complexity of beign at this university and my memory, I don't know I wasted a lot of time. By not beign more strict and disciplined. I missed the atomic habits audiobook and healthy blue-yellow stuff etc. All in all it's fine dude there is so much stuff again in the background, the guy recommended me to do a model shooting my application/career advisor wtf. Also so many hot girls are not on dating apps, because they are so social here I should have just fking done what I yearned to do, yet I have so many things to repair, physically, emotionally, etc. I don't know I for sure did not notice how good of a university it is. I hope this will work out, currently I just notice how much action is neccessary, and how good it is to have some new more efficient systems etc. Atomic habit is the best book I listend to recently. I dunno hope this will just be better, when the book arrives I wish I would be younger and be given this opportunity, yet with all the info I have etc. It's quiet insane still what I worked myself out of, I just have to care to not deal with people who are incompatible etc. I really wish I would have had an opportunity like this when I was 18, yet the scarcity mindset, the amount of subtle gaslighiting I noticed my family put my through, saying I will not have impact etc. You will not change anything about racism, you should be grateful not born XYZ, which is all gaslighting, dude even Leo said some of this stuff, and I notice how it got into my mental at times. What I can say for sure is I am doing better in every department of my life, and these are like very deep and old patterns I am working on, most will not get this out in their lifetime... the irony....

You can schedule a call with Shinzen Young. That's the best bet for classical enlightenment, otherwise there are so many maps. That certainly helps to some level, yet with highly technical questions, this is your best bet for classical enlightenment, as well as all who are into this practical domain Daniel Ingram etc. https://www.lifepracticeprogram.com/ I usually went there once a year to get feedback and guideance for my training. I stopped due to other stuff.