ValiantSalvatore

I though this would be a better reference for me as I can focus on seeing this website as a tool and distancing myself a lot from it as possible, as there is a lot of subtle hostility and toxicity here, that infected me by just beign here, yet this is the only place here where I found better grounding it's more the toxicity of lower stages of development etc. That is here that is super frustrating etc. I leave this here, if I just want to casually write smth. On page 1.

Yeah I hope this will go well, I have to face my problems, yet I am confronting people differently, and I sabotaged definitely due to just the issue of trust & corruption and like the most subtle social nuances about manliness where I say, put me into a trial about manliness and I would say I am guilty, yet in a fair and balanced manner if you had A.I in the year of 25000 and could predict the future highly accurately and events, you could say, well yes this was bound to happen and you're innocent as the other person is innocent. It's very odd how all of these subtelties depend on my level of consciouness, right now I am just amazed at the issue of Blue/Green culture and the strong adherence of it in contrast to Orange/Green cultures, the Blue/Green mixture and emphasis creates stronger cohesion imo, as you can even put more yellow into this as there is more nuance about systems and principled implementation. So I dunno, blue/yellow is not there. Right now I just sort of amazed, tbh I legit thought again about quitting actualized.org till a guy I like just by the "normalcy" of the internet followed me here... right now to fully integrate a good work ethic, without the "black gaslighting about work & hustle & grind culture" like I wish at times people could embrace high level of yellow non-judgment, but it does not fking work. Chinas work culture is way more advanced, yet has it's dark sides imo with the social stuff, yet somehow the level of non-judgmenet at least to foreigners was very very high. Dunno here it's very odd. You need sort of a commital stuff, I dunno my leadership would also be very very strict, and loose at the sametime so high tolerance for ambigutiy is a challenge for me. My social opportunties are all dependent on energy, I can't join fking volleyball etc. It sucks that the biggest and easierst social leverage is forbidden soon some more stuff...

Also meditation even 10 minutes purifies so much, please stop talking about it as consciouness negating etc. Just continue psychdelic research or so. I dunno.

It's very odd working with the girl... I legit made her cry in a meeting like 4-6 times.... I did not know how to react, yet I just was honest. Just honesty alone can be triggering, truth as a value is way to radical here in Germany, in the U.S I might can stomach it, yet not here. I never thought so far. Also I listend to Eckhart Tolle that really helped to gain a more chill perspective and to digest a lot of stuff without any context, the german audiobook of the power of now solved so many of my life problems there is no fking pragmatism. There just is consciouness and the ego (shadow anima whatever you wanna call this). I hope Leo focuses more on consciouness I think some of his stuff is to egoic and he does not care to explain anyhow... very weird stuff.... and really does it in a way where he more properly dismantels and dispells illusions. Shinzen says in his audiobook to teach is to misguide people, and Leo is especially good at this, so he should also be good at guidance. Also power over people is a weakness I noticed this in my own life etc. It's generally very odd to deal with the orange/Green spectrum and Green/orange spectrum it's an odd confusing point... they all suck sciences dick, till you get to high green. Anyhow. When I feel bad or suicidal this has been the only tape that helped me in the recent years to get me out of depression somehow now even more than ever. As I am faced with challenges that I don't comprehend on a survival level only as the "it going beyond the it"...

Anyhow I seriously sleep now.... I am not happy and somehow I perceive stuff so differently I am so fking confused as it's to much solo shit. & the group work stuff can be dejecting it's one of my strengths out of the lp, yet ever learning about spiral dynamics made it an endless learning project mostly about lower stages and the power shiftings and accomodations, while my needs are not meet. Especially this group right now, it's career whore being career whore and even very kind I don't know I am sorry for absuing Deida language here, yet it's partially annoying how weird these social interactions are based on memory autism and shitty planning and especially experimentation. Fling disgusting experimentation phase tbh but okay

I dunno I have to reframe that my work provides freedom & love that includes my studies and slowly. I just had to little highly educated nuanced deep masculine presence it was to krass at and hedonistic. Many enjoy this coarse and direct... masculine approach. It's even good, having balls.... I just don't know what to do when I willingly embark on big emotions.

I dunno most of my spiritual ambitions are gone thanks to this & it reduces sexual karma immensely + you get more girls.

Most of my rewards that have been sustainable have been physical. Gym with audiobook, running outside in the forest with audiobook. Now I don't get as much joy out of it. Drinking tea seems to help, but fuck if I'd knew how to reward myself at my age without getting addicted and still being calm and cool, I'd found an answer to a severe problem in my life. Yeah also the girl at work is really helping I am so fling torn, I don't know what to do I just wish I did not have such a fking bad first experience working with Germans, where they fired me told me I stole stuff. Like Fuck you and suck my nig*** dick on that camera so your abonimation of redneck family starts filming Raceplay porn and raising cukholds as this is what they deserve to turn me on, when I am bored and corrupted by power. This is the logic that runs through my head. "Fair" corrupt nepotistic asses at times. I am unsure fear does not become me well, injury prevents the biggest resolved for symptoms, what can you even do when a root solutions suddenly is not applicable anymore due to meta changes?

I just dunno what to do as my drive changed and I noticr very subtely I get more joy out of reading and working at complicated stuff then exercise, yet then crave exercise and for me it was also vice-versa I crave exercise and them complicated work especially in the morning it was partially like this, due to meditation being more the calming down factor. A brief jog would've been sufficient to not be to chill and accept limits daily more.

I also don't receive masculine energy as well anymore. So yeah... it's just a no care factor as I lack some level of strength.

When I care about the right distractions what will happen is: My scar will piss me off and I can work through this pain *jogging,*breathing,*elasticity of skin*, *care taking, *subtle questions what is wrong when I just feel & digest my body due to scar Drama I don't know, how to stop this, yet it's mostly fear. Facing fear: again drama, frustration, anger, confusion, worst case suicidal ideation, depression, neglect of self, Why does this happen? I tell you it's easy. My knee is fked & the scar thing prevents me from the most free and holistic self-care mechanism I found. Which is running. It's so painful to get back into this emotionally it's depressing. Just my knee okay, yet with my scar the most random bullshit might happen. Stationary Cardio is good. As it does not trigger my scar, biking outside is not possible as cardio I'd had to bike to work. I dunno right now I just don't like that I am not finding answers for practical things and that many physical ambitions were destroyed by a injury. Freedom & love through problem solving providing this is new to me. My upbringing was super feminine. For a guy in terms of energy and behaviour transmitted. To agreeableness, non-confrontatioanl, to conforming it does not fit a part of myself that is the unntured good masculine that still is that deep edgy fucker. I dunno.

I am also so fking sensetive I can't fking work at home I don't care and I don't like it as I can't create the fking home that would help me. It's all not efficient. No fking separation possible and it feels like it's to much. I just don't deal well anymore with chaos, since I've had the terrorist mass panic Attack experience and the issue of physical injury. At one point I just give up as humans are to stupid they just kill each other again due to "priority"... fking great. Then some don't even allow that the other small mass panic I witnessed this year pissed me more off even and just showed me this pattern. I dunno I definitely should start tomorrow/today the new girl seems like the right kind of girl. I hope she stays supportive and open... even if she is not that über beautiful girl I can pull and did pull or that is into me. It's 0 complicated and good companionship, I hope the sex will be good as this inspires me. The energy of this etc. I miss Lossing health so early. I just don't find the right distractions but wait wait

Dunno what else to say. I just care less by so much science stuff about goals is not working with the lp. Leo burnt himself out which sure can happen, yet is also just not good as any measure. Then he banned even the people who had a burn-out schedule. I dunno ... I hope this will be okay this semester I give my best if it does not workout I might be gone and end my life at one point as I just don't enjoy how much in denial others are about how the stifled my success to some level. If anyone can give me clarity on this and not give me the victim perspective run down I am thankful for a nondegenerate though love approach. Yet there are things imo that I feel to much guilt and shame and just 0 joy & Depression which is worse. Due to lack of success and being well-regarded. I dunno it's not easy to put into words and I don't enjoy how much planning etc. I did and executing on it. I am still failing forward at one level, yet I wish at times this "me energy" would not be me... But yeah let's hope for the best...and that people can explain stuff to me.... I still have some traumatic memory with science etc. Had I felt isolated with 0 friends and thought these people are just angry and hateful etc. Anyhow stuff changed after I've seen more loving and kind scientist does not mean work is easy it's just a weird reality to be in. I am also not proud of myself as I know I could do and could've done better, yet this weird German industrial survival and this "Metzger fear" I have about it's ruthlessness is what I fear etc. I hope I can move to America. Fuck Europe. Just fuck Europe.

I just don't know where to get the support I yearn for when stuff plagues me. For many it's to much and right now I don't find any joy in Skill anymore. Like 0. I did my best I don't know to give up or not and people motivated me for plenty of wrong choices. I don't know I accept help, yet not if it's worldview enforcing agenda. Socially support for my life is what I am searching for not my goals... I hope all will go well... I will not have much time.... & I don't know if I will kill myself as I just don't enjoy existence anymore. Everything just becomes more bearable or I legit go to a monastery or so. I don't enjoy living currently with my injury I have an even worse estimation of my limits. Even though I have more time for the goals & lp. Even if I meet better people it all feels at one level like such a hypocritical fking gamble, while I feel I could feel more honored to learn stuff, yet my age and gaming with age and the youngness of this industry is plaguing me. Same goes with beauty here. I dunno.

If I have more work to do I will most likely post more of this, as this science stuff is very trigger and so heavily white society fking framed it hurts me even if people deny it, it's fking evident and it damages performance immensely imo in me, also it does not help as I ask to deep questions usually, so I just have to follow stuff, I don't find any fking useful content anymore. To help me currently. Leo is shit in this subject as he does not comprehend the severity of living in Europe like 0%. I dunno all I can say is I hope for the best and trust consciouness this is the only way I can relate, yet socially I am fking pissed at this shit site and how late useful content was released. Anyhow, I dunno what to say. For me it's currently weird. As I would not have many hobbies anymore. I just don't find any fking fun tbh, anything is okay, yet I don't get much joy besides music, gaming and when I do it only a little I just get hooked to much etc. I am also so unsatisfied with my IQ even if I am gifted and or not, I just don't fking enjoy it anymore and I dunno what to do here. I don't have many success experiences in my life, and I've never been the one to celebrate stuff with friends, it's just difficult for me to stomach this as I have extremely high expectations even when I let go there is the pull, so I do small stuff if even. I dunno I am not happy living with an injury and beign a creative person that was fked on many levels. I dunno people get the wrong idea 99.9% of the time, maybe only my best friend somehow understands me where I don't I am not a family person. I don't enjoy it, yet I enjoy human companionship a lot.... I am texting with the girl again, I feel time flies by so fast when I actually work that I feel I have nothing of life, and all of this "degenerate talk -> though love etc. & degeneracy atttiude" of the internet and this website has definitely infiltrated me, even when I barely look at anything here. I just don't know where to get help compassion and love and kindness really feels extremely healing, as I am usually very hard on myself and without positivy and love, I am pretty sure I will end my fking life and blame some people for it, because yes simply fuck you, of how ever caused what? This is for me the issue forgiving my mistakes and moving forward and having people not socially judge me feels very good. Anyhow right now I have to manage and create with so little stuff, it makes me feel very bad. I don't think people comprehend what all of this is like, when I had even less etc. etc. and at the sametime more? Like how do you explain these weird existential swings? You can't you fking can't. That is why, it's a huge issue dealing with white society and relationships that are not based on compassion, love, intimacy or any higher emotion even joy etc. I dunno how to say this, yet this is how it feels like. Lazyness gaslighting of others etc. While "white guy" enriches himself. I dunno I am a bit pissed at lower stages and stuff & just me not taking the exam, due to fear and having no one to properly talk about, not real conditions and making stuff to final putting on extra pressure, when I can't expand my level of tenacity very well. Like people should be thankful bow down at times and suck my cock, and shut up about their tiny bullshit existence and cry cry, because of some "major importance" 99.9% of the time you ain't doing shit, not sitting on a position where you could do shit, so it's all about your relationships. I dunno what to say. Raising awareness and doing nothing feels like a hypocrsy currently, when I see A.I it really really triggers me.

I dunno I still wish I had a more healthier upbringing, I cause so much self-damage as I personally feel so much fking agony with all of this socially most can't even relate as my parents are really choose low class jobs, and for me personally I did not have that much success to enjoy any of this. I dunno most don't care, yet it still shapes you as everything has been so "broken" in my family I don't know how to deal with stuff at times. Especially with a more step by step system it makes class and upbringing and influence very very obvious, even with the best marketing that does certainly help and culture. It's for me a torture to be sort of behind stuff constantly and I don't know if I kill myself because of American history and German society. I dunno really it's still okay, yet I just don't enjoy how much work all of this is and how fucking assholish others more well-off people behave and share their shit. It really pisses me of at one level. Where I wish I would be corrupt, because at one level they don't deserve it in my eyes. They just took the easy way and deny it. Utterly deny it. With every possible piece of denialism, some would deny it. I dunno I feel very very odd. Like way to odd, I can't even put this into words, I hope I get got partner and people for the group stuff it really really helps my mental is so fked since I've been on this website due to the scientific, rational, racism paradigm, poverty mindsets at times and other stuff. Skeptecism and nihilism I dunno still. For me personally it's just not fun I outsource my authority to much, and I lost all joy for life, due to injury etc. I don't know and people sort of have no idea and the wrong idea and are not helpful, but fucking assholes that are extremely painful and can't comprehend what it's like to go through all of this diversity bullshit in a class perception, and how that messes with a nervous system etc. All of this triggering bullshit, because of abuse of power etc. Then false narratives are created and I suffer from it immensely, as I fall pray to "white power marketing" and it's a serious issue at times. Especially socially at a university, not at work, but at a university, at work the aftermaths of this are experienced, yet the work itself is never that bad, yet it's fking disgusting to whitness and contempalte the effects of white society. Most are fine and help, and give the best to relate. I just don't find it on the internet it's a shit place with assholes.

Not very happy about this, yet I lack very positive gaming friends sort of, that are better socially etc. Also it's a lot of bias etc. I dunno how to put this, yet it's just odd I lost a lot of stuff that I've built with my lp due to the lack of health now. I seriously don't have good ideas, besides beign highly conscious.

Going to make a small adjustment and allow myself to play one game during the early hours of any game or simply 1h, as I seriously have some issue due to lack of exercise etc. as play etc. The little stuff does not make it and I rage seriously at one point. Cleaning etc. & Creating a wholesome enviroment feels like is the key right now... where some gaming for well-being is even neccessary, I can't play ball etc. Or even football etc.

The issue of finding the best solution.

At 16:00 I have a 60%+ winrate on my account with 300 games. I dunno why & between 9 & 10 I win, which is obvious, yet it seems late at night 23:00-24:00 I have the highest winrate whatsoever, even if I barely play during this time, that could be the reason... Anyhow I give my best to connect more patterns and make work & studying a priority and game sort of to relax and chill and destress etc. Also when I meet the girl focus more on the girl in terms of meeting her beign more an aid to my life purpose, as a source of inspiration etc. I dunno I am interested if we're sexually compatible, yet it should be good, yet crazy good, yet very good. Let's see. She is definitely more mature than other girls, yet also naive that is sort of a weird thing I've been realizing more and more lately etc. Anyhow let's start slowly & if this works I'll do some stretching for my knee and slowly move myself into a very very healthy direction, also buying more cleaning utensil like an arsenal. & also embrace the sort of thoughness stage red & blue military mindset I adopted due to just believing weird stuff at times like memory being passed down by genetics and topics like this that are a bit more spiritual is more interesting to me as a phenomena than only the usual memory or the hyper memory thing. I dunno how often I've been excluded due to memory anyhow. It's often times the wrong choice in my life. It's only good for standarized things and some practical stuff, that is relevant, yet not that important. I just been manipulated often by people who have good memory, they can give good feedback if they are not manipulative, yet often times it just stirs a huge emotional shift in me of a dejavu anyhow. Not hating on memory, I find it personally a difficult subject due to the manipulativeness of memory. I enjoy executing on memory, that is a huge difference imo, like memorizing sequences etc. That is beautiful to me and memorizing connections, yet just facts..... I dunno obviously they show different connections, yet I've never been a fact gathered as it get's into a "truth arugment" 10-100 secs later, and I am often the judge who has to do more research. I also never saw gaming as "gaming" for me it was part of self-actualizing as a human, and I gave my best to exhibit this in any game. I don't know how much I've grown recently I just notice the damage it has been doing to me, especially the value of leadership with immaculate information as my recall of memory is not the fastest etc. Yet I can act on it for example. Yet, when i explain it once 10k different patterns and questions come....

So I basically have all of my hobbies sort of covered, otherwise I finally cleaned my appartement a bit shit leaked where I did not even notice, I have to keep this all very clean. It's unfortunate that the small things that helped me to stay clean are not possible like a cold shower for example & meditation. The water is so piss warm it's not even worth it, also the politics in the morning listening to this, yet I will exchange it with reading. A couple of pages. Also even if I check my account I seem to be winning mostly from 19:00-24:00 I dunno why. Endless irony about my life.... not starting about coaching in e-sports, a.i & mathematics, also being buff and not some thin guy etc. As exercise helps with reaction time etc.

Let's see as of tomorrow I can restrict my gaming time etc. and just play at 20:00 & 21:00 besides on the weekend and do this as an austerity masculine practice etc. Generally doing some sort of austerity practice might be very good for me again, and then to scale down to a micro level.

The morning was really my holy hour so to speak or two so yeah. Just readin 5 pages of a book can be very good with coffee in that sense. etc. etc.

Especially reading my reading list in the morning will do very very well if I create one etc. Also taking notes so a 20 min work session before working in that sense...

Fundamentally I am going to do the only routine that worked so far for me, and put away my phone with a password and turn on the audiobook stuff. I will not meditate and meditate for 15 minutes in bed, when I was focused on my purpose. I will also write more I will statements and execute that, also less Leo from the negative sense & more of the positve reframing. I put my phone away turn on an audiobook and sleep and wake up with a math riddle alarm, I could also first read two pages of a book, that is something cool. I have not been thinking about for a longtime!! Instead of only doing physical things and skill based things, reading marc aurel & others helped me tremendously in the morning. I could even do that before I take a shower and truely appreciate knowledge etc. more & more....