ValiantSalvatore

I wonder at times why I'll also have a pull to this, yet I hope I can buy an electric guitar next month. I'd need some list for normal pop-songs or some algorithm that categorizies the music type of my youtube playlist into song categories and sorts them based on views and creats multiple stacks of lists or so, so I can extract the best songs I have over 5000 songs in this list I bet 3000 are electronic

Also it's fking painful to fall from the "model type people of vanity love" into the depths of ugly type people of vantiy love, and the issue was love all along, just some people take it more lightly... ALSO WHY DO PPL NEED TO DIE AND THEY BLOCK SOME SHIT IN MY EXISTENCE LIKE HELL WHAT IS DEATH???????? I'D LIKE TO FUCK HER BRAINS OUT I WAS YESTERDAY DIRECT TO ONE GIRL ABOUT SEXUALITY AND IT WAS THIS TYPICAL NON_DATEABLE GERMAN CULTURED GIRL I THOUGHT LIKE FUCK WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS IT'S IMPOSSIBLE YOU'D HAVE TO BE A HOMOSEXUAL TYPE OF CARING DADDY WHO CARES FOR THIS TYPE OF STUFF IT HURTS & CRIGNES MY INTEGRITY TO BE LIKE THIS IT'S LIKE HAVING A FATHER AS MOTHER TAKING CARE OF THESE GIRLS I DUNNO It's so odd. I am drinking now... white wine! For a change... this one is also not as good as the one from the wine bar. I also seem to enjoy italian white wine for now, yet not yeah w/e Zeigeist issues.

No gym will again drink wine and work on these aspects, I might clash I focus to do shadow work this time to fully avoid clahses that are just to stupid like with my landlord because she is fat & curious and I hate at times fat & curious people due to a realtionship I had with a friend, and this is something I also need to heal. Some of it happens automatically, yet I am beign a dick subtely at times. A lot of it is due to white society and just the issue of many people don't live from TRUTH. That is a game changer etc. Also to appreciate my body is way more difficult than ever I'd have to think a body to not make it an subject&object problem. A body makes things more easier, a friendship, a friend etc. It takes all pride out of it (insight from a blinkist), a community, a network, a trauma etc. A car, a house, a girl? Makes it more easier way more easier.... I am drinking might post for fun, I am one of the few people who can use alcohol very well. It would also spice up my sex life a lot with the right kind of person, I never thought how far taste goes also... well besides culture... this is also a sensory shadow, especially contemplating the rudimentary form of the MBTI, I also noticed people listen often for the wisdom & not the knowledge. Etc. etc. etc.

3-2-1- shadow work process (30 min longer form) 3: It feels like there is a deep desire to show off & be a player and be on the edge similar to gamble it feels like excessive excitement seeking It feels as if there is a deep unmeet need of unappreciated beauty that I see and how shallow wine girls can be & how heavily they abuse male tactics to get better female mates it seems there is a huge trigger It feels as if there is a trigger with wine drinking girls and bitterness that seems to get going It feels as if there is a blockage of empathy due to having to endure bitter party girls who only maximize like humanoid robots and are acting like soulless creatures at times who are drunk & decadent It feels as if there is a trigger to the level of prostituition of to only harmonize with culture & to gain advantages It feels like a strong abuse of enviroment to only benefit and extract power shamelessly It feels like there is a strong undercurrent of love also palpable It is mostly how feminine my upbringing was to fundamentally be so strongly pulled to the feminine I don't know what to do, do I woreship the divine feminine? It feels like a woreship of the divine feminine that does not really enjoy the dark side to to the loser implanting and heavy orange crunch feeling It feels like there is an overfocus of beauty instead of providing vibes a deep unappreciated place of my own looks & beauty as normal cultured people without artistic intereest can't appreciate it It feels like there is a strong resentment against european excessive food culture and seeing food as culture itself and a conflict with the intellectual perception of depth as if food is an emotion & being intellectual is an emotion It feels like there is a deep stench of noticing ones culture has been taken and can't be seen as value, so it feels painful to see social interaction with white people who don't recognize their whiteness as culture It feels like there is a deep resentment against healthy green passion & love for some reason as due to "white social priviledge" that many can freely associate without excessive excitement seeking that costs energy and the issue of people who score low on this It feels like there is a subtle force of my culture values are higher than your's and my values generally speaking, so I feel threatend when they are attacked as higher = more fickle which is not true It feels like there is a deep weird notion of beauty that feels like a golden shadow of shining with innocence and purity due to simply living healthy, that is unappreciated due to the barbarism and subtle level of unappreciatedness and thanklessness of others. It feels like there is a pull to gaslit others, that I am not doing as direct communication to tell them they are unappreciative in a non-gaslighting way It feels like there is not a need meet of holism that I naturally felt pulled to It feels like a huge wave of anger overcomes me, when the holism of beauty is strattled by random stuff It feels like there is a huge ego gap between going after success & beign succesful and enjoying the smaller things in life & higher consciouness people It feels very painful to see how low the average quality of girls are due to consciouness and only focusing on reproduction qualities of the male value, not even deep emotions it seems only girls who have a deep appreciation for beauty go after emotions themselves & this triggers me It feels like there is a deep realization of how the energy of youth made one more beautiful & that there is this itch, I can't tell that yearns for this glory of energy and to shove it into someone elses face at times It feels like there is a weird issue with self-worth and surrendering sexually and enjoying this due to how often I naturally claim power in higher stakeholder situations It feels like there is an issue and a blockage of only going for girls who only enjoy beign dominated and this seems to be 90% there is a deep repellance to girls who only enjoy the warrior archetype and are not looking for king/god It feels like there is a dark lurking apathy type energy that seems to block the manifestation of higher energy sex & higher energy girls what is this? So shadow here we are contemplating the issue of sexuality & relationships I know there is a subtle sabotage in me as due to the fact as things are happening perfect there is a tendency to subtely sabotage as there is the subtely stirring energetically, oh this can't be true. So what do I do with that? What can I do with that internal corruption? You write so much as & expect to get an answer, and check youre phone while you're doing shadow work to contemplate that one girl again? Dude these options are partially so bullshit, that you realize that there is sort of one girl if you know what I mean. Dude, I get it I get it, yet you're missing the point of empathy and not beign empathic with these types of girls could turn them on. Could? How do you know for sure? I felt so guilty beign a player and going after multiple girls and even fully knowing that there is no pride in this and this is due to conditioning of girls who are alone and are thinking the world is a wish factory and plant these seeds into you. You're answer is cool, yet this is such a chaotic mess of insights, how do we combine these loose ends? There are multiple ends and networks clearly visible that are different parts and shadows. Yes possibly, yet you seem to be more interested in the network itself? As well as leveraging these connections and to gain insight into trauma correct? Well, yes I care more about the whole usually, that is why I generalize a lot and my work takes a lot of time, as I see mistakes, yet the point of beign specific for experts I got better, yet what is this crunch it's a level of cartharsis no? Yet of what? It's a level of catharsis of mastery & work energy, you notice how good you feel when you get it out multiple times and solve deeper problems. So what is it with the girl? Should I not let her grieve and continue looking for others, the one voice mail you sent could've possibly been to much. Also the point about beign model and vanity omfg, what is up with this???? I received this compliment and some seriously UGLY girls are making fun of this notion INSTEAD of engaging in healthy beauty energy sharing even if they are not PERFECT, like what is up with this sublte notion. It's like my dating apps reflect my traumas and high ends what do I do? Even my honest erotic desire when I write about feet pics and suddenly get a model level girl? What is this about? Also generally vibing better with beautiful girls, as I don't seem to appreciate the decadence and been forced of culture to appreciate naturalness which IS RARE in itself. It's like a whole science in itself.... Bro this shadow work session is already 30 minutes without any integration. You also had this hardrive to engage into this remember? The girl who told you to choke her when you still were able to do freeletics and you felt thantatos so deep you would have enjoyed this kind of sex, as it feels so cathartic to face death? Yet, she was so fking sensetive due to cannabis and now we have these cannabis hating fuck german lords of average white culture. Why are you so mad and get triggered about this? These people are not the masses remember, they fake beign and individual in the collective. Alright, okay to get a bit more & hone more into the shadow of the culture as I saw fat lady looking & stalking me what is this type of trigger of beign watched & the weird arbitariness and despotism of owners, because they do not realize it and are fking powerless fat and unhealthy 90% of the time without their poesseions etc. Dude just chill and if this person wants something she will come to you, yet why does this person seem to become so curious as things become real these fake gaslighting asshole creatures are only looking for ways to say they are correct and it's very odd to describe this trigger, yet it feels like they are looking for justifications of beign interested in me, while their existence wastes time, they are just looking to limit you for their own freedom, this is how these people function. They don't like it they will restrict it, yet will tolerate this within their family. I don't know what to think about this german determination and overprepardness and order, I don't enjoy it at times. It feels like such a shitty excuse for the divine, as they are faking their values into it instead of seeing it as part of it. Well... you're so correct my man, you don't even believe it.... yet you should..... I still barely get any clarity out of this session it feels like you opened an ocean due to not having to strong and direct issue, and beign apt, yet seeing the subtle healing. It's like you're doing advanced work healing orange shadow from teal & working with teal shadow from teal. Like the multi-systemic meta perspective of the multisystem & finding a root solution to it & beign highly intutive. What are you teaching me shadow? IF there would be a godlike solution what is it? You are not fully intact with your divine feminity, yet more with your divine masculinty yet they also go switch this is what you call "crazy" as they switch so fast to you, you don't seem to be able to reconcile it at times. So merging is the issue? You'd just be god? My issue is god? Huh???? Yes, you made a shadow out of god, your own divine drive towards spiritual holism and wealth, your own godlike energy, due to all the issue you face as an material obstacle & you made the material obstacle your enemy. There is also a deep unappreciatedness and sexual freak show of fetishes that runs rampage in your system in order to cope with society & the issues you faced. It's not even "bad" it's just unmeet & not easy to find & enjoy someone who is high consciouness and can opt into this eroticisations without making it a traumatic and defining expereince = crippling in action etc. It supposed to do the opposite and be empowering. Dude we are still getting 0 clarity and we are 1h into this..... what is the gift that you're currently bringing me? The gifts that I am bringing to you are....multipel root solutions.... You're denying god and the spiritual drive to exist as other notice this and you speak open about it You fear god as due to the historical shit that happend and the level of gaslighting and cyneccism that spreads from this denial and the emotional damage that already did You're denying your own divine feminity and are not combining it into a divine god when meet with the masculine you're yin&yang deeply more deeply than most, this is not balance this is innovation You're the one who is triggered by the darkness of feminity due to the "flesh" truth of society and how superficial girls are, you're the one who is also like this You're the one sabotaging perfect moments due to a lot of disappointments with human relationships, feeling taken for granted & subtle drama where you just notice these friends are abusing your effort etc. You're the one who is denying his dominante sexual side as you're forced to see girls as lesser at times due to this dynamic You're the one who is denying his white cultural side, by not engaging into the feminity of the white cultural experience, food, music & vanity about my lifestyle & existence and my woeful existence, besides that part maybe You're the one also not fully diving into it, so what do we do? Alright no gym & meditation today my friend! We've seen it coming & you even like it!!! I am the one who is denying feminine godlike energy & does not see himself as god I am the one who does not recognize god entails female & male realizations I am the one denying sexual domination out of fear of lesser & higher dynamics I am the one who keep sabotaging relationships when things run perfect as you fear the imperfection in that perfect streak as other things then usually run perfect I am the one who is afraid of new depths & wisdom due to the fact of novel collective world realization so to speak I am the one who is triggered when holism is ruined I am the one who does not realize as deeply girls only care about energy and not status & money these ones are fake I am the one who denies his own white culturalness of beign posh, polite & friendly as well as the surrender aspects of this & crafting like cooking & eating & seeing this as craft I am the one who acts like a curious neighbour and restricts others freedom I am the one is deeply unappreciative of the other sexuality at times! I am the one who deeply appreciates this and turned bitter as girls stopped doing this to appreciate the shiny & strength of the man This is fundamentally it for now!!!

Today is sort of the last day of gaming a lot, all of society is still such a game in a sense of optimization & maximization & minimization to get this worldview out of my head, it's extremely difficult. I'll do the shadow work soonish & also will meditate for 1h. My intention did certainly not pan out as much as I'd thought, yet ultimately I do not know, currently I notice also how to entirely have no desire for alcohol, and it is legit drinking coffee with cineammon and honey, I don't know why, yet it takes the desire to drink alcohol from me. I also thought about the difference of wisdom & knowledge & how useless knowledge genereally feels and that I never went for wisdom of any sorts. Well. That's that.

Generally this observation still holds social worker are one of the worst people to chat and get to meet up with. Idk & idc anymore having less apps makes this better and I am stronger in person I notice most definitely. I'll do some shadow work today & chill also. Definitely better this way. Meditating also dealing sort of with my player persona etc. & subtle other stuff. I got assigned to a bigger project so I'll have to see how far I can get stuff done etc. & I am working in the more "controllable" group with more integrity, so that'd be interesting... yet I dunno how skilled we are so yeah. Many aim already to be software architects.

No idea what to do sent her the stuff I'd sent to a good friend and a voice mail with some suggestions in case she wants to get her mind of this stuff. I got some other matches due to boosting & I generally see the manifestation of the orange lifestyle which can be just an issue, as the company is in the heart of the city at the new place. I also have to say this, also this rave culture seems to be pretty big, yet my friends seem to be more at Green. Also been provided to work with a bigger task I thought about how I could've spend my twenties gaining way more skill, yet I invested so much for me in health & mindsets. I certainly feel stuff. Did also smith. slightly stupid today, yet I did not care. The Russian guy is also into psychedelics, yet they also don't seem to work that well when he's not on the edge so to speak? If I interpreted this correctly & he took mainly shrooms as often as I took LSD. I gave him a bunch of books about integral .. due to him not meditating I see some differences in drive that is fundamentally more yellow even in some academics etc. As psyvhdelic interestesz starts at orange/green I don't judge him it's an observation. His intuition is correct, yet he is mostly out of the growth zone. So I dunno a lot of green/Yellow, yet not the two/yellow I get etc. Also, good connecting to team members this way and to talk about similarities & interests, seems like we make a good troupe & the company also offers a monthly meeting for my line of business to meet, eat and mingle. Also simply a good day just not as productive... There is a real difference also between the yellow flow and the orange crunch imo & yellow can feel way more harder and devastating. I had a bit of motivation to read again, as they all again seem interested in this hc stuff, main issue is simply my lifestyle does not create it that deeply I made some changes in terms of intentions, visualization & such, yet what is evident to me is. That I am getting more inclinations to do this again. So yeah this is generally speaking good. Uhm...there was smith. Else I did not accident that I am not revealing. Also girl at work tended to give me some states where I don't know at times how to deal with the polarization and energy, I also like it to work with more easterners who are "fully German" as we share more in common, even in differences like rock&metal music as I am just used to this as I had many friends liking it as well as some of my core friends also having a very broad taste. Anything else? Yeah, I definitely can head there more often very quick by train, free drinks & coffee & Verpflegung. Thought about my passion of knowledge & being on the edge, yet I slowed down due to not having a tablet & I was interested in introducing some principles that facilitate learning & wisdom generation. Hm... yeah that & the gym heading also to restaurants broadening my culinary tastes is also very good. Bought some random bacon... Good social skill training I saw it in my text game today. Especially as nobody want the social structure to be intact and diversity just loosens it, so we all benefit from more authentic social interactions and feed a lot of cultural curiosity which is great. I'd be interested if I take a few more high class pictures if I get more authentic girls that vibe with my hobbies there are way more anime & video game liking girls out there. Yeah otherwise this is my priority with spiritually & uni & also getting to some reading and some social approval when I need it otherwise as of today less .org, less video games & more people, also more events. With more health I'd be pretty sure I would have gone to the companies event. They are all so social and open it's like the old office days are way way way over. Not like ij Beijing etc. Or some none degree type company with only school & work education type ppl. Very different as many work on different projects it's like working on a non flying starship or a "crusing starship" in being equivalent here to to cruise ships. As we don't have to drive that thing etc .. yeah... Still no customer projects, yet that is better ATM. Otherwise I dunno, my Chinese friend is dead, yet there was this subcurrent of Degen moderate culture with explicitly being moderately materalistic, but not as excessive as liberal degens. Otherwise I could write a thesis... I definitely could double down here and just do this, yet in contrast how the "free world" makes it's money etc. I dunno I would love to be more free & an artist... This is where my heart is...

At work I find it tricky with the level of integrity that Germans can have to get good with girls, as I can't authentically dive that deep into my hobbies. Also this is more for the upper parts which tend to be lazy at times... Also my match had a random death... So yeah.....exactly....

Did a 20 min meditation switchting to this here. For a gratitude journal, with more consistency & discipline this will fundamentally work very well. I am switching between techniques. There are still subtle doubts about Leo & why is grouchiness at times, is for me a distraction to talk TRUTH about attainments. This is what is seriously lacking in the spiritual community, only Ingram ever did it. Gratitude Journal. I am grateful to work in a kind & chill team and to be more in a beign & doer space after meditation I am grateful to notice the impact of social media & media itself and how powerful meditation is to counteract a lot of things that hold me back, even the gym can be an inspiring place and depressing place. I am grateful for witnessing the beautiful technique of contraction getting every type of frustrated type body emotion out of the entire system & turning it into wholness feelings I am grateful I can let go of subtle addictions or rather light addictions due to trauma & depression & past suicidal thoughts, also the issue of image when beign open about this for everyone who sees me as me & human and does not play right-wing machniations and propaganda even the most subtles forms of it. Like conservative = clean house I am grateful to get rid of online-dating apps and focus on real relationships with better humans and people I am grateful to find proper entertainment after work & to not be delusional about duties and getting rid of online-game and online culture type of languaging that is harmful.

Awake. I have to seriously ignore some stuff. There is a few stuff that is healthy for me on this .org, and I don't enjoy conservatism for many, dismissive and blatantly racist reasons to not call this racist, even from black ppl at times is just hypocritical. This includes me, yet I have less power about these issues. This is already way to much responsibilitty, this is why I ignore at this point.

Unsure if worth mentioning, yet it's extremely important to see more feminity being embraced as leadership qualities I see the same type of leadership and coaching and this will not work in A.I no fking way this dildo male coaching will work. Like fighting in a dome and living life based on fair meritocracy...with more masculine emphasis like.... So many coaches hoax the same shit, yet don't act from wisdom. Reading Sun Tzu that was wisdom imo parts of it. For me Ralston is also not a wise leader. Maybe legit only in movies like Yoda or s1 else. I am unsure I thought about showing & embracing a true actualization lifestyle, yet most of it is gone. Focusing on the good I somehow don't enjoy the idea of a vision anymore it does not fit. Living from deep imagination & creation as well as intuition is more like it. I feel like every clown has a vision. I don't enjoy using this language, yet I feel hurt from not being able to enjoy some entertainment solely because of the cultural aspect of being black partially. When I embrace it, it's such a borderline highwire act of higher & lower development. I know why I watched so much integral, yet I lost all spice to talk about it the Russian guy is the only one interested in this stuff, yet I get so bored talking to spiritual people also... I just prefer having a life with a girlfriend like since ages. I also want to move badly so I don't fling see & hear old people & children in my life who subtely get influenced by hc energy. & Act so erratic just fuck man. I am so tired of seeing this my whole life, yet to produce so much energy to move etc. It's to much. Then other sh*t also. I fucking hate Germany as a country most likely and generally western countries at times. I dunno also the impulse to change behaviour permanently is close to gone. There is little I can do and so much b.s abrupted the processes. Then the stuff I am listening to is so conscious people start fling gaslighting asking dumb questions and pulling me back into desire. Sometimes it's okay, yet I've been so gaslit with this whore like repetitive questions. My pain body subtely seeks it and no that is not me that is conditioned pain. Responsibility yes or no. The amount of immaturity generally speaking caused a lot of pain and shit. I don't even like it as some people it's impossible, they are like wild dangerous animals be wild, free & irresponsible. I used to want to be like this, yet to life from intuition & wisdom is way more important to me. It's like being a divine animal is different from a wild animal, who takes out his cigar smokes his b.s. I dunno I have a serious issue with this my sex drive is quiet high and I could have sex 2-4x a day and I don't know what to do with it lately I noticed eating more food helps me to stay somewhat more clear from the desire of sex, as I feel just satiated but yeah... I eat so much also when I take time to eat.... I would eat for 3-4h.... & I don't get fat.... I dunno due to this glee type of conditioning and fun making I have issues taking on responsibility for painful things in a mature way I do it, yet the impatient immature damage comes out. I also would like to meet more people that are actually going useful in my life and I am glad I have found at least 1 or 2 & not this b.s anti-social video game culture and nerdery. I dunno I am out I keep self-sabotaging as I don't enjoy my current lifestyle and there is not much I can do I fking hate seeing old people and I fling hate feeling the curiosity of fling German neighbours FuCk off!!!!! This rigid 9-5 schedule is non-existent I fling hate normies that way.... They don't comprehend. Anyway I am out. This is hatred, yes voicing this is also important. Yet, good luck recognizing how cultural and environmental this can be. If I'd love myself more sure, yet some of this stuff is absolutely conditional. I hate seeing fat unhealthy people they are subtely so toxic and don't keep their fling word and fling it back at you, just to be right again. Also I don't know if I'll ever talk to my aunt as it will be impossible as she subtely sees me as mentally ill, as long as I don't have more money & success than her or better relationships & she does not realize this. So I can't confront her if I had anything of the above & I would confront her the conversation would go better. So people are so addictied to their fling pain?? That they use ever nock??&crany?? to elicit a chain of causation that justifies their worldview even if it's the negation of worldviews for their own worldviews to not feel triggered. That chain can also be evoked.i dunno & I will not get close to anyone who is to stereotypically racist & denies it. It's so full of people everywhere. I don't even look for it it's simply a pain body triggered by curiosity. How fair is that? I reduced this also to the last 20-30% and the last 5 % or so no idea if I'll get rid of it.

Girl seems flakey generally since the I have the injury I find it extremely difficult to grow as a human. It's all gone mostly also getting evidence and respect, I found the mistake also today... and wrote down a challenge for my whiteboard. I am generally tried of stage orange & red domination culture & the highwire act to be functionally at yellow, also since the injury. The only thing that gave me consistent results in my life was meditation & I abondend this process as I became also so soft and some assholes utterly abuse this & this is mostly people from 2 or 3 world countries & people who have brown skin color, not black... to be explicit. I notice how unhappy I am never being allowed to test myself to the max besides intellectually. I harbor strong feelings against also the stupidity rampage of single girls, who only go for red & orange guys. Green is okay, but so family centric here. It's close to blue & yellow you don't find if you're not selling them the orange. Or have the ability to show an extremely well-rounded lifestyle. I don't enjoy it to deal with flakey girls who shower you with attention & then withdraw it's not that bad currently, yet when I am very busy & then this sudden abrupt shit comes. I don't like it. I don't quiet know when I consider with empathy what happens to her & her options. Sure she can do smth. else I don't like it also how "republican" it feels to sell my lifestyle. I don't like the term anymore either. I was really big on showing girls my world & that type of advice, yet through the injury that world was splitter & dissected into thousands of pieces & when I am on my edge I crave either exercise or sex intensely & masturbation helps me just with this. I don't know what to do at times besides, that at one point I contemplate suicide as this takes me so much energy & pain & the uglyness of humans at times becomes so much, yet killing others is not the thing to do. I can either just max out my muscles & money and flaunt this, I dunno what to show anymore also, going into clubs to find a girlfriend or yoga? There are so many rigid & delusional girls & confused ones. Also the approaching and analysis & improvement field I am a bit tired of it. I have some issues with being externally validated, internally it's fine, yet only truly working when I am meditating. Alsoy vision does not get me up in the morning in fact it never got me up, when it does not involve some social factor, where I don't feel like I get shamed or have to meet bitch faces & frauds. Although, I was so used meeting surely corrupt people that it was a motivator as I believed in the goodness of them & that they are just ignorant, till I saw what weak pussies they are in character. I redacted my OneNote section about spiritual game plans & notes. Entered a gratitude slot, to practice that there explicitly as I leave the intentions there open. Otherwise, I don't know if my coffee addiction or video game addiction or masturbation addiction is an addiction. It's more of a function of my leg is hurt & I am fking bored out of my mind. Yet, I am so used to entertain myself with these, that I just go for it. I don't like it that I can't optimize my health as much & a lot of the joy is simply gone from it, especially the edge. I was close to functioning at an elite level. Now I don't know I often feel I need money & space to attract humans or be forced to entertain myself with culture, events & foods. I am a bit tired of this, yet my other new friend at least has an interest in spiritually, so we can exchange stuff here and eventually get some idea for smth. Or just have a mutual connection. I also despise the current self-help people I've meet via actualized.org, these people are surely so toxic like on online-gamss & brainless that the dominating type of people win out in life. I dunno why in life & in games being intellectual on the edge gave me better results. Also something changed, I don't know what, yet people are generally more chill around me the issue often then is boredom. I also don't enjoy working for this low salary, even for the experience as to many things have been fked & this is smith. I yearned for at 8 or 6 years old when old and immature shitheads did not give me dipshit advice. They provided 0 opportunities and we're useless if they were honest. The only one honest enough to admitt she was useless at times was my mother. Also some really enjoy that crunch I did also to go on a tangent here, I don't tolerate the stress to well without sprinting and freely moving my body I already feel so restricted and overcoming the pain of my scar. I really also can't deal with unhealthy greens I am friends with healthy green & yellow elements that is good & cognitively at turquoise, I don't even fathom that stuff at times etc. What bothers me is the subtle scientism and that energy of discrimination and abuse from video games & mechanistic worldviews. I played with a guy today called Top g the first thing he said was some b.s not to be seen as insecure even though the guy totally felt secure. Then I heard German type accent then he said monkey to another player & I muted him. This is so obvious, yet they abuse this subtle vulnerability of shame where I used to improve upon as a character and human to drag you down. This somehow took an end to me & I don't care as much anymore and I am not as vulnerable anymore it's impossible I've numbed out to this, I don't know if this is growth, yet I absolutely numbed out to the stupidity when I listen to it long though my pain body gets triggered & I feel a strong urge to punish and dominate these people, they generally come with this energy from red&blue type development & I don't even enjoy anymore the mechanics of this from a higher pov, as it's such a thankless place to be at. Yet at the same time it can be very authentic. I don't know how else to describe this as many love healthy red kick-ass energy. I feel also blocked be these natural type chillers who get girls without being edgy & they loose some because they are not edgy enough. It's so weird. Sometimes this shit does not happen to me & I don't enjoy studying this shit anymore. I would like to have someone to get into the field with & practice, yet this is so difficult to find. The guys I had the call with asked for 2k & doing it alone idk, I went out to often in my very early teens to enjoy this as this was even endorsed by my family to go out with 16 on the weekend. Not directly endorsed but subtely implied etc. It was good and I definitely meet more girls, yet a single mother household is extremely bad for a single guy I see it so often reflected in my life. I don't know what to do I am scared of offending girls & I would do it most likely to intense as I am seriously hurt at times, yet that also shifted & is just blocked by this single-mother conditioning this is the only good thing mostly, you have to much self-respect to be as low as very toxic girls, yet there is a different toxicity behind this upbringing and it is a level of frustration and anger against sexual needs & relationships & denial of this & a very nasty embrace of it. At least this is how I feel. I don't know my vision is blocked sort of, although my life keeps getting better... I also am triggered by though love feedback as I have this genuine feedback growth, also happening & this helped me more so there is a certain level of ingonrance behind it? I don't enjoy the issue of though love feedback is that it's not often done on an equal plane some can do it on an equal plane and this is generally extremely valueable. I dunno I can't go out shot some ball, be inspired by the cringe stuff that inspired me all heavily blocked due to health. Watching Leo Gira does not do anything anymore since 2019 or so effectively maybe a few episodes, yet it's not the same, then again the planning & stuff and being spontaneous I am afraid of making mistakes and others acting on that is so obvious I would never do that etc. Shinzen was the best help, till I was subtely riddled with this apprecation type shadow and privilege type energy from green because we're good humans from one of their coordinators Emily & I gained some extra favour in that sense of typing as she is so lame in responding it's horrible. Then she is only human & I dunno if I did shadow work for that. Also seeing money on my bank account feels good, on a sidenote here & I just don't know with all the dumb fucks, who listen to techno not recognizing it's absolutely fling red&purple culture. Wilber did not get it and categorized this as that is amazing some tech o generally speaking also *vibes* higher. Yet many want to go to a rave to act & life Out animal instincts not for beauty and holism. I don't get any matches & matches I get then are just a lot of compatible & attractive girls, yet there is many times something wrong in the background. Which is fine, yet I notice also after a while I don't feel strong enough to project masculine energy and I feel guilty, because of my sexuality & just being sexual in general, especially public I am massively afraid as I've received so much conditioning. The issue is I seem so masculine to others I'd have to be more feminine & playful. Many though men automatically respect me. I don't know what else I can type about besides I crave sweets so bad a city with more interesting humans.... Like New York or so ... & not the same type of european gal. I got lucky with the odd one out and she is not replying, also I know why many guys shit Talk and rate it's simply a crude form of motivation. It's like going out and be like omfg that girl just checked you out, look she's so hot! A hot girl & friends complimenting your looks & you notice & feel the pull of their subtle intentions conscious & or not conscious. Oh the police stopped searching for my bike & I would need to be adament about filling in some stuff in order for them to be searching. Ultimately, it was my mistake I know even if some mistakes are not yours, it's a possibility & I saw other expensive bikes, so I thought it would be fine, yet I find it fking weak from the police that they stop searching after 1-2 months not even 3 months minimum & rather send out this file and do paper work. Fantastic job guys. Absolutely killer instincts. Cybercrime is most likely the only type of police work I could respect currently and gang stuff, theft is so fking low. It's so disgusting. I dunno & I frankly feel at times I am so broken due to the Hurengeburten that gave their "best" to help you were useless to Beginn with if you're not helping me to get laid this has been true for me since I was 12 or so the only real friends at least gave me more opportunities to get laid & had an interest in doing so I also found it easier to approach girls for others. I generally still do, as I just don't turn as needy. Also this whole needy & non-needy idea is so fling dumb at times, I'd generally say I am one of the few non-needy people, yet that does not help me to get laid. In a social situation I get needy about wanting to be left alone!! Like what do I do about that? If I engage I feel energy zapped & if I can't be on the edge this is the case. I don't know how often others subtely gaslit me about how I look or what I am doing, when I was out, even when nothing was wrong & seldom was these are people who learned their whole socialization either drunk or being gaslit that way themselves in this cynical old type of region. I don't know what to do I still craved having different type of experiences with girls, especially fully healthy, yet most of it is gone. I have such a weird ambivalent relationship to sex. It's not that enjoyable my scar makes orgasms weird as I don't know what type of nerves are involved when I am masturbating more consciously. My energy system is so fking high when I do this I can't sleep. If I do it sometimes & still ejaculate normally, then it's re-energizing with good sleep feelings. I just feel well-rested energetically & can sleep. Yet to practice conscious sex with a girl all the tips I've been reading the Russian guy is my only hope currently, the others ones are subtely such bitter pussies, instead of using their edge they just deny it all & leave that need unmeet. I also don't feel well that I can't give girls this insane & sex Body that many already like on me it's a huge pain in the ass. The trainers are to uneducated & just help the fking fat, stupid & lazy & the few normal ones. I just don't feel like I can get to this purifying effect of health through intense exercise. Now I crave sex even more and I don't quiet know what to do besides going out solo. I am also tired of seeing toxic brown people at my gym man & the effects of the strength projection in 6'ish biased Germany. Strength, beauty, loyalty = new lion commerical & brand. So cool yeah! Dude it's so cringe the only the worthy is the lion energy... same as a tiger energy... I dunno society is so fragmented & girls inherently at times as smart as sheep & men also. I don't know what to do with these besides to gain more control & Power so I get my needs meet. The perspective is also not correct, yet in it's essence that is what I am getting. Still there are billion of nuances, also this girl again had this hot & crazy energy where I am unsure as I feel so much fling guilt. What to do about this I am also not receiving an influx of girls, where I am numbed out this this possiblity as they would game themselves by energy & animal female/girl type behaviour. I noticed how weak I am at times to sexual impulses, yet these desires are simply signals. I also feel with an extremely unattractive girls I'd end up unhappy & how much I enjoy beauty being at 99% in this area I notice this is a given. I am also opened spiritually more and feel more creative. I seriously don't know how to properly develop myself, it's close to one year now where I seriously started again to better myself actively and not do maintenance. Unsure what to expect. I don't expect anything I would just like to have some different more healthy social distractions such as more sex & enjoy some different entertainment etc.

I am stressing myself way to much. For no reason, I don't know people tell me it's all chill dw, and I freak out subtely. It's very stupid of me in a sense, I don't know how to stop this perfectionistic panic at times. Also the team leader that we have and the new project all are very yellow~ish that is great and they like star wars. This today was good for me to realize hey... I can put in a little more effort. I feel so baited & burne by this marketing. That I just think at times oh Obama was 3w2 now I get it. It's quiet painful at times, yet you certainly see how far integrity goes & how inspiring this was for many completely unrelated.

I did not post my weird songs currently on a hype train, on these. It's only these 3 also.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/John_McAfee Tech Giants are crazy, how can you enjoy having feces type sex. I briefly skimmed this documentary. ---- This thumbnail is excellent, I don't quiet get still why Elon is such an asshole, yet I see it in people & friends who like him.

Going to stay up the whole night & work and clean my appartement fully. I slept so long & I can buy groceries til 24:00 or 22:00 here at one store. So I'll head there and buy some things also to clean my apparement. I still have some issue of working and beign seen as a slave etc. & beign my own boss & leadership etc. It's odd. This is really good to generally chill to.

People really need to want feedback and see it as constructive, it's similar to reinforcement learning and coopling this with compassion and empathy, this costs a lot of energy and often people rest to the default of though love, my way or the highway. Mindfully and empathically engaging with someone, instead of critical rationality takes mind, spirit & intuition into account. Also simply asking questions and good questions, also critical questions are a type of honesty, yet if it disrupts the entire process of making connections, I'd deter from doing it. Generally what is most effective in business is reflecting someones own words back at them, is the most strategic way to be "intellectualy honest" with many ignorant people. Also admitting not knowing, also what future evidence can bring, especially with inutition as well as what possibly has been burned and denied. I don't know if conscious communication also dovetails with intellectual honesty, as you'd in a tier 2 relationship IIRC, constantly speak your mind and do things that stage orange demonizes as needy, and many men will see this as weak. Still, when I did this with friends, especially female friends and best friends, there was a very natural intuitiveness to this. David Deida speaks about this. It has nothing to do with vulnerabillity, yet more with consciously leading & communication & beign also compassionate with masculine compassion and feminine compassion. Anyway, also a high level of non-judgement obviously. I did one or two workshops with this conscious communication for some it takes practice & I don't recall, anymore there is also a serious issue. I personally thought I was pretty good at it, yet ultimately I did not know as my partner talked a lot & we just practiced. Constructive criticism comes close to me with constructing a healthy ego and image at times, when I ask for it, I've felt I burnt out asking for constructive criticism sort of perfecting my persona & generally many did not care, they cared more about authentic in-depth character building & happening. I don't know if this is interesting in terms of intellectual honesty. Quote from a medium article: This also might be interesting, altough it's rather unrelated it's something I find very evident in intellectual people generally, a certain level of vanity, contempt and hatred, especially if they see themelves as though. https://integrallife.com/how-self-hatred-can-lead-to-self-transformation/

I could also see taking care of myself as truth, and cleaning as beauty & truth also... I am so immature at times to not even cook for myself etc. Also truth as honesty. etc. I am a big kid in some regards This was also interesting to see I was interested in all of this thanks to love. Let's visualize more love & truth. Also!! big & very important. I feel also the more cleanliy I live the more I can push myself and feel on the edge, the irony of this is funny. To create beautiful surroundings also... I missed this depth... I did not watch the full thing.

I finally ordered also some foodboxes, the ones I ordered were to small. I might not clean my room entirely I cleaned a bit already & I'll clean within breaks and see if I can enjoy the beauty of it. I'll certainly have issues with beign intutively consistent, yet I am gone I also forgot. How beautiful I can make my enviroment and how that impacts me as a human. Still I'll feel as though, there are very subtle shadows with gaming in itself. Also beign professional in that sense as a person & having passion for beign in c.s etc.

I feel way better having emptied the stack of psychdelics and having all alcohol gone from my place. It has been a bit of an issue. I've also noticed cleaning for beauty and creating a beautiful enviroment feels very holistic to me, I am the kind of guy who usually also mops the floor, while many think it's unneccsary, yet I love the holistic clean feeling afterwards. There is a very subtle maturity growing. I'll clean my appartement today & do some deeper work. I'll meditate for 30 minutes only to get this whole thing started and to make proper self-care etc. After the meditation I'll do the gratitude journal here.

I am still awake, the oddest thing I have to say is currently the more conscious I feel I get I feel society can drag you down. Like Leo's story doing deep meditative work & then new neighbors etc. move in. For me it's very similar very random & loud noise often hits me the more conscious I become. Like I start grasping a concept more, I clean my house more etc. Then my neighbour comes suddenly also etc. I definitely noticed this also very briefly if I have a breakthrough in meditation some very deep & random stuff can startle you. I've been noticing this also & the more beauty I also create the more curious my neighbour becomes it's a subtle issue sort of for me. I don't know why, yet it's simply odd and I could see if this happens again. Right now it seriously stopped. I don't know why it's like the only thing I don't like the more order and beauty I put out the more this Nazi craves it. I swear idk what is up with this chair moving the more conscious I am getting, yet it bothered me significantly. It's like a Nazi Ruhe impacted on you, for no reason besides someone contemplating their own will. Move your chair consciously omfg. She stopped somehow with this entirely it was & is so loud. If I make my place more consciously I wonder, if she'll do it again to match the energy. This women is so far it's beyond me. Even if she is a good human. This is the devil with me & her. I hope she stops this if not I report this pattern. After sleeping today, I will be very conscious and I hope this monster does not start this. This is one of the most immature and ridiculous things, that has been bothering me. I'll also stop for now chasing dopamine hits with video games etc. I could do a 90 day no video game challenge I believe I have never done this ever. I could watch a movie or stream, yet not video game even chess. Is very weird to do this. It even helps me to solve problems at times..., Yet yeah. I could do it for 30 days it's immense considering this etc. For now a big but!

It's odd contemplating this also my news feed. It's better to have a larger vision and take care of these things I am happy language models are there now. I sort of have to also out visualize the stage orange people and the steady stream of optimization questions in engineering. I am glad engineering is taken up a notch generally in c.s majors who are interested in a.i still... I dunno I hope this will work better now.

Also the subtle toxicity of european culture, especially guilt tripping with ingratitude is one. Also within my family this is the biggest gaslighting thing that can break my entire character. Also the sneaky & subtle marketing & anti-emapthy, this is why I trust technology companies usually more. Then some business major stuff. I see a lot of positivity & hope. Leo is still pretty insane as a guy, imagining he could've worked on all these problems, yet did do it. Shinzen & Leo for me are still the most influential people with Deepak Chopra also. Still the digital culture at times & taking a break from sex would be great. I dunno what to do with this at times & I'd generally trust time. Just trusting time is odd. Just what to do with this consciously, I also hope this anti-sex thing generally goes down. I hope some serious shit comes up with Trump. I've never considered how far maturity goes, yet I've been playing with guilt a lot in my life & recently I had such fear of being a good boy and doing the work. Instead of working with enthusiasm. Being good is it's own virtue. Doing good also. The point is people are very subtle how they go about this & I frankly would love to finally see A.I innovations coming from Germany in the car industry & I am glad Mercedes invested. All I have to say also is. Also people who play with that notion are so weak and corrupt many will go to jail & this will continue to ramp up the amount of truth, raw data will bring is immense.

I am on my phone finally, I feel I can express better what I am going through, especially with all of the learning on the job & the level of uncertainty this was a huge risk I took & even the best professor might have made a mistake with this inquiry-based learning style. Yet there is only so much you can condense into a lecture, also this drawing all the connections things and making familiar references I've had plenty of guilty feelings when it comes to this, especially when people feel this is very good etc. Also getting over these subtle fears and the issue of attracting quality girls, while my life went downhill is not easy to find this power, especially with a triggering environment old people and kids. I could care less about their quarrels and quandaries. When I look at Mandelbrot numbers and Taylor series I see so much beauty, also this subtle got me hooked, what bothered me is the deep fear of being seen as a looser and the smearing of reputation. I also saw the richest man in the world named mana musa, he was one of the most miserable people, I have read about from a western perspective. Died 25 years young had 400 billion in "net worth". I also have a very deep fear of solving problems as this never earned me any money & the subtle meritocracy drive of it, was never something I could enjoy. All in all I am good. Social shame is one of my biggest issues I have been dealing with & also socializing with "non-sociables", instead of witnessing true social skill. I am definitely better at this. All of the tipps & tricks sort of what has bothering me in my life a lot is being seen as a loser. This is post one. I wrote the E-Mail. To the professor and watched the news about musk & a.i cars, as well as I see more why a.i has been such an issue & it's due to fear. Making another post.

The maturity epsiode is really excellent. There are still massive fears. I have in regards to success & maturity also sort of the excesses and immaturity of other. This music is also the most excellent type of music I've ever come close to listening. I bet masculine compassion at a casual state would feel like this. Although at times I really have enough of it. I still have to write the professor & the biggest commitments I have been running from are social as well as guilt socially of when I know I waste time with people etc. Also this learning coach I've watched made a great point I noticed when studying & asking for help.