ValiantSalvatore

I could save this music for solo retreats & work stuff, it is utterly beautiful to enjoy this consciously... I also very much enjoy active silent meditation etc... It's been a while since I've done a solid practice like 3-4 years legit since the retreat almost due to depression etc. Deep & Clear Sound is also utterly cathartic.

I stopped this all for free, coaches are the biggest scams possible, every fking coach and wannabe coach I interacted with was a fraud to me at a deep level. Besides the one who do it for free & generally started providing from free. Sending out your best content for free, is one of the craziest things, maybe I got so good at pick-up in a sense due to meditation & trauma work, some of them were so traumatized with whom I interacted with they just project and play it out endlessly, I was basically on my way to be that 6 figure guy, yet with most of deeply held qualms & pains handled.

As a heads up, I will only mainly post out of emotional issues and pains here, and some stuff I am pondering about due to suffering, and gaining some mental health and joy, doing proper self-care. I am not going to say why and such, yet I will not post about any meditation sessions with music and stuff, to show I have done it as an accountability structure, I miss some stuff deeply especially deep & painful soltitude, somehow it is cleansing as an introvert...,yet not the depression isolation of socialisation in a sense. So this journal will mainly about pain, suffering, and evenutally some joy, as it's quiet convenient to type here, yet I might do the little extra etc... Right now, I am giving my best to get away from the subtle damage actualized.org did in a sense, it's normal I don't blame Leo in the ultimate sense, yet when I am pissed and just in ego lashing mode, it's not so good, I'd like to disconnet more from this forum & be more of a sage & saint like human in living etc. This is supposed to help me thinking and refine my meditation and consciouness process, it's a universal tool, I might write down insights out of my sessions etc. Yet, I will block a lot of people like a lot, it's disturbing for me how this blocks me from beign more conscious, some are less desiring etc. So I can sort of deal with that more easily etc, yet ultimately I am not looking to have an felt authentic stuff with anyone or even find like-minded people, I just enjoy seeing like-minded people & like-minded thoughts possibly & to fall back in love with growth etc. Yet growing more in wisdom, mostly & consciouness. I could also take more naps.

Did a small workout & automatically cleaned my kitchen that was really good to realize I don't need the gym for gains & other more positive planning etc. & constructing in that sense. I forgot also to realize more that everything is consciouness & exercise helps me enormously to handle pain. Especially, training with my own body weight, teaches me a lot about myself. Did 70 push-ups total & some crunches, just feels good to be healthy and fall in love with health even in such small routines...

Did 30 push-ups for now, I just will randomly reward myself through this and not give and fucks about goals, there is a deep conscious & unconscious twist, I don't know how to deal with this for years, it feels like a massive breakthrough, yet I don't trust the people around me to have this. So I can only nudge, it's like they are afraid and pull me down the entire collective & crave it for themselves it's a very odd experience

Today for the first time I had a real incentive to exercise again, I never thought that I could to homework outs simply again all based on strength and I can report as the social benefit of fitness gave me a lot of positive upliftment in contrast to the more success oriented goal setting. So, I might announce a challenge and do it simply. For example 100 push-ups, 50 crunches & stuff like this and schedule 1h a day or so to simply chill & relax etc. I think this is better than doing full cardio currently & helps me to get out of my lazy rut, I could start only with 50 push-ups and do it all very very organically and slow, there will be 0 planning besides the schedule of it itself and building onwards, and not a deduced plan in advance like the gym. For some variety & potential more flexibility bursts etc. I still don't like people who don't exercise and claim they are healthy, besides if they have some impairment etc. or eat like extremely clean like Leo with veggie juice, this shit is so digustingly clean, I would love to be able to schedule it like this and just feel pure health, there is a deep & ressonance with health & sports & life benefits, I could legit have modeled etc. I dunno. All from intuitive possibilities.

Last thing I say is this... I hope I meet more people with integrity & maturity etc. It's good to meet more rational Germans who also have a deep male intuitive & are non-toxic. It's odd I also meet to many people who's family have death in them etc. I still have to figure out a way how to deal with this energy and discipline crisis, everything is okay, till I do to much of the wrong thing & then I have been shamed for this, as I was simply being a fool. Oh damn it's to late, it's not easy to put this into words. Right now it's good to build depth again, I hope I soon sit there again watching integral on the weekend thinking ? huh I did not improve in this aspect about my life & just seeing more holistic improvement, I am not buying any courses either the success stuff, I prefer Deepak currently & I don't vibe with teal working at orange somehow, yet really more holistically and narrow-minded like I am a dumb clutz, one goal that's it life very very simple and holistically, not complex hectic.

It's odd realizing how much strength there is in wisdom. It's the only way I currently have to enjoy & get into any kind of traction, I somehow feel offended and repelled by girls who just chase survival value, it makes me see the world only as fuckable stuff & unfuckable stuff world. The more I embody wisdom I'd wonder who I'll attract. I've always loved wisdom I never notice that I can consider myself a wise human of many etc. I was so focused on knowle it's odd how superficial these games and people are, also there is a deep rational quality in me personally and with some Germans, who unfortunately do have toxic tendencies to cope with their societies economy often & misery. Right now I don't feel any excitement, due to some issues with shadow & popularity most likely as I was often the "Hans Dampf" in my classes I was just good at everything & I hated it my mother was lazy in terms of giving any plans/visions when I was 10-12, I had always to focus on deep intutiver qualities as this was the only thing she could talk about, as a shaming pragmatist. I know I don't speak well of her, it's mostly due to this. The point is I could never fully access this deep intuition as I''ve often felt fuck there was smith wrong. I was such a good goal keeper just right, yet I stopped training due to not having any joy and now I have the injury, I would have needed to quit. The point is I am also smart this gives a tremendous survival advantage even in sports. Otherwise I gaslit myself with work I feel, I had this deep intuitive drive, yet I had a lot of fear socializing due to being so different. Nobody liked what I liked. Hip-Hop? No, but if then German I did not like it. Video games during that time? Very nerdy only 1-2 friends through this I had. I was just popular as I am tall & black and did better than 90% of my classes while I did nothing, I never appreciated how I felt having to care emotionally about a single mother, it was so bothersome as I noticed the survival cravings it drove me partially ill to see this. It never felt fair in contrast to actual beauty. She also never noticed I cared emotionally subtely & I had to withdraw... The best times I had when I was alone with my cat as I could just dive into this pain & I escaped with a lot of cannabis due to the blueish ness of school. As soon as it was more green I was good, yet the networking was an issue. Right now I can just draw inferences from this, mostly that I never enjoyed working as I had nothing but video games to look forward to as I did not enjoy the social interactions at home. I often felt I had to fuck myself up, as my mother did not like my "true self" it was way to intense and she shamed instantly with my father & stuff like this. First thought I have in mind "what a whore" truth to this? Unfortunately yes. It's one of the lowest type of things you can do to your own children shaming them & denying it and I saw through all of it. All these body signals and cues I saw through all of it. She could not deal like many with this me being black thing and heavy self-amusement due to paradoxes and mental/cognitive pain & playing/teasing. It's a very pragmatic German meat doll in a sense. Very boring, but very practical. They all over focused on this. Instead of more intuition. I dunno, I find it tricky to deal with modern day society, online-dating would've been the easiest and most automated way to meet girls, a sexy body and a bit of subtle status. Progress is very slow in contrast to what I did before, I stopped now also almost for the 3 week due to simply different motivators I don't know how to enjoy the gym anymore it has been a trigger due to dumb masculinity & German Gym culture & culture itself being this Turkish thing I don't vibe well with & nobody in my family liked. As it's a very subtle form of lust domination & Tribe mentality in this. I like Turkish people etc I just don't enjoy how this type of cool kicks me out of culture, as it's one of the most dumbest if not the dumbest form of cool I have seen. Besides gun violence etc. I don't enjoy this type of attitude when I can't push myself more it'll be wise to ignore still & eventually even change gym. It's not possible I might have to change countries etc. I appreciate a more intuitive global connection & not this stuff at times. I don't know wtf is happening & if I get into some b.s, many at work are different, yet the gym at times is a place full of apes.

On my phone before sleeping I have a subtle major issue with keeping my word currently due to meeting to many subtely corrupt people, my new friends all have been pretty acceptant of this fact & even at work uncertainty level is so high. Nobody showed up today, and I worked alone on some stuff & had semi-wrong Intel. It's odd. I currently notice that the drive to be excellent is sort of re-priorizized to wisdom, wisdom seems automatically to take a higher prio, due to injury. It's a bit annoying to say it that often, yet it's one of the most limiting factors to enjoy my life and even my life purpose. I would have never never could have seen this, only one possible instance etc. Etc. What I don't like currently is, that I notice being more social and making these plans is good, yet I knew why I went the hardcore route, the learning curve is so fast while it's steep. Going out with the naturals was a faster possibility getting laid due to them being socially recognized and "umgarnt" zu werden Sorry for changing languages, yet I'd do better finding a tier 2 person & naive green does not do me any good it's to regressive & there are only a few ones not as toxic. I have currently 6 new friends in a year who'd I'd all invinite and mingle actually 7. It's all a bit more chill, yet it's good, no it's 8 including the game goat. That's quiet a lot. Many like to befriend me also, yet oh no 9, yet she is injured... which sucks enormously... I dunno my vision is not as strong anymore due to not being able to be as young and successful as I'd wish I'd been and living from wisdom can make me very existential & sexual cravings still with a young body are& can be enorm. I don't even crave girls that much, yet the drive for sex & "creative excellence" is just high. I lack energy for challenges, also due to not having the positive motivator of sex & Beauty in that sense. My internal motivations have been flipped totally, I barely value and knowledge/understanding anymore even though it was my top 3 value for the past 5-6 years. Connections & Wisdom, yet I craved so much expert knowledge... I somehow am naturally more attuned to wisdom. I am also glad not socializing with nerds to much anymore, yet more healthy & normal topics. It had such a deep level of knowledge & repetitive questions.. it's not really sharing & connecting. Also the hard work gaslighting type of experience and glee in this, it's an odd pattern I don't enjoy as much anymore. Some things are simply to hard and I don't think as complex as times, also due to socialization bias & cultural bias I do this heavily to confirm, due to avoid conflict etc. Then I am also quiet critical it's odd to realize that I learned to be a problem solver.

Sleeping now I hope the model replies, would be interested, I don't feel like I can invest these energies into these relationship at times, I just hope that things will become better with the exellence drive and completely shutting out any toxic influence and drive etc.

That's cool, yeah hanging with naturals is definitely is great & fun and can show a more direct & sincere way, depending on how it truely is, although now I've seen a true gamer who turned natural that is kinda goated. Sounds also very cool that you did this kind of escalation, many would not have the balls to do smth. like this, me included. Every natural who'd b.s on game I ever meet is so acutely focused on physical cues, it's heavy and they comback complaining often omfg did you not see XYZ are you drunk? And I am like bro I just did not see what happend, and explain the story. Yeah, I know I've been bullied a lot do to naturally having some exhuberant sexual quality and projections, and I self denied as it was to much due to social pressure in school, so I had more akwardly forced social sexual interactions which inhibits me from escalating although many want it. A date this year for example told me, she'd wanted to be held etc. I never noticed nor did I care, I noticed this with other guys also who were in this self-denial, due to how difficult it can be when there is a lack of social skills & interaction with the opposite gender from the same gender, I knew this, yet this does not change as much, only with experience imo, trauma & shadow work works a bit differently, yet helps this procces imo. I made more efforts to befriend girls, than to actually date them in my 20's that was also kind of cool, I notice even now beign more "popular" is the more holistic way of doing this instead of building rotations. Especially, now I notice how valueable it is to build a social network. Every time I took physical esclative type action I got into some type of sexual action, that was great I disliked many PUA's as it was so much about technique and not about observatory qualities and observatory type game & survival in a sense, where naturals are more about this, and it felt to expensive. I payed 1,4k max though for any type of game I learned, although the best has been free by now. I bought the hotseat home program, yet did not do the program, I was scared as I knew a lot of people in my old city and I did not like it that it was not as anonymous etc. I loved it when going out felt like hunting. Anyway, I was so focused on getting online-dating running I hope it will work out still, due to injury and just knowing my lazy qualities that I can get laid through beign more social. Anyway, I am out mostly out of this thread, which you the best & much success!!

I am an odd creature at times, it's not easy to get into the positive upswing & I generally struggled with this, today ironically was one great day as I just smelled the morning again, this lifestyle costed so much energy it's crazy to realize this, they all tell me to chill while I have so many questions due to fundamental lack of clarity and sort of loss of excellence drive it's very odd to say this, overall .... I hope things go better and better... I will react less negatively also to toxic girls, and just ignore and mute these girls. I am grateful for more holistic and loving girls I am grateful for feeling more joy of life I am grateful for not getting into deep negative notions of hatred due to white society and also meeting others who are interested to socialize I am grateful to not be around people who gaslite I am grateful I had courage as a value I am grateful that the feeling of gratefulenss exists and for every loving deeply loving human coming from deep love, humility & strength not fragility and need, in that sense proper anti-fragility and depth of love

I hope also when I have a new guitar, that this will just work fundamentally better in terms of tapping into inner child I did so much trauma work already, I would not work with people who are the slightest bit to dull to get what I am talking about intuitively. As I'd need more direct information. I am glad my psychoterhapist had a TIER-2 inclination about beauty and love. Showed me more with whom I'd work if I'd be interested in having an excellent relationship and brining that value into this also etc. I'll post my meditation session later, people also seem more willing to listen to me, as I deeply listen to them. So I am up for more reading etc. I just have to get rid of the technological people. They do no good to any process, it's a different perspective I am clumped into due to marketing bias & beign tall and strong, people already think you are like a foreign technology, if you really consider how alien at times ppl can view you & it feels like. Beign tall = alien technology. Yes, heared it here first. Also practicing my CC & giving people shadow work material is ultra funny to me & IIRC part of holism and childlike parts of turqouise I stopped with this, yet I might bring it back even from orange to get the orange crunch out. Also at times Leo gives me nightmares at times I dunno why exactly, yet it happens. I had a very akward hateful feeling I dunno why all of this happend due to to many deaths in my immediate enviroment. Leo is really a good guy, that is the point some are more questionable

Valuing wisdom is so different, the vision of the sage. I'd love to say some extremely crazy things as I just thought the notion of it is so funny, yet I'll leave it at that. I also get less triggered. Which is great. Wisdom & Beauty is one of the weirdest combinations to consider, even with software. Very very odd etc. All I can say for now. I predict in 3-4 months I am at a high state again and around november/december I'll trip, so for now I keep investing into my social lif. What bothers me is that I lost a tremendous amount of fun in my life due to the injury, beign so healthy takes so much maturity, it's not easy. I am also to perfectionistic & excellence drive, and I'll have to sort of come to terms with this. I have fun beign serious... & then letting go is super fun. I am back approx. as of today. I'll also do some sproadic shadow work again it just is very good for growth no matter what. 3-2-1 process It feels like there is a drive for exellence that I can quiet get my hands on I felt it this morning this glowing inner star It feels like there is a deep impulse for going beyond the current standards of what is required out of love & joy & how meditation and visulization are the gripping corner for this It feels like there is a deep love & humility in the act of beign mature beyond what humans perceive It feels like there is a deep ambition & hustle depth that enjoys going beyond what is required of the white man It feels like there is a deep warrior spirit that enjoys seeing & facing it's own death and creation in an extrem and humbling way It feels like the morning sun & smell It feels like the ambition of a dream So here we go this is clearly a golden shadow there is no need to kid us here, what has been up lately with my work mentality, you've made so many new friends, they all enjoy hanging out, even attractive girls etc. Where is the motivation? It's not motivation you most likely miss the old joy of life/joie de vivre with passions and hobbies due to the image of many computer science students and how in the box all people seem, even the out of the box people seem in the box, yet you seem to be always somewhat different. It's also rare to meet people like this, yet you do meet them. So what is it currently what is hindering me from greatness and excellence, there have been many people giving me tips & insights, yet it's so radically different to have and work with golden shadows and put trust into this process, well... for once.... you remember when you woke up and could go swimming at 9 am and enjoy the beauty of nature, as there have been barely any people and the deep depth, and you've always whined about the lack of skill development, yet feel the same drive when seeing your linkedin profile? Yes. That is your joie de vivre, you miss all the deep travel experiences and non-sexual ridden beauty due to the heavy lust type nature of our culture, and also the creativity of it, yet you yearn now to express this sexually also more deeply. Aha, very interesting shadow another very mature conversation, how are we children today? Ever heared of Donald Trump? Bro, you don't need to trigger me, we don't get triggered by Trump, the unfortunate stuff is we get inspired by this power and we still don't like and listen to it, as there is a deep authentic emotionality behind it, it pains me to say this and feel this, where I feel with liberals they are so bitter and sarcastic and negatively ridden, they miss a healthy dose of psychdelics in their morning tea. Well then what is this joy of life feeling I used to have like almost any given fking day subtely and or less subtely even during the worst fking days? Well... it's your willingness to go after life. You're the one yearning to experience all of these beautiful experiences.... you're the one who realizes the beauty of all of it, especially a new morning dawn, the deep creativity & romance, also the deep bitterness of humans as the bitter people implanted this partially in you, with their gaslighting type antics and cynnical manner. You clearly see the deep joy of living in the morning and enjoying a new morning and working on projects on a bright future in that sense, you have more beauty around you make this happen, you can do it. That's oddly encouraging from a shadow aspect, well here you go you've noticed something positive. What gift are you still bringing me fundamentally? You crave strength in stability, yet you don't seem to get it as much due to conditioning and your physical apperance and cultural notion, people project stuff onto you do to you beign extremely open-minded and non-judgemental, even the judgemental people apperciate your non-judgement and the non-judgemental ones start judging around you. You know this is all evaluation currently right? That this is a rational tool. Yes, yet what is your actual gift, can you clearly tell me? Your gift is strength in intention, energy and deep momentum, consistency in your doing and holism internally, externally it's tricky to get this going, yet start and continue internally and most things will fall into their place. I am the one who seeks strength in holism I am the one who still has a strong joie de vivre I am the one who loves to put this joie de vivre into his work it's passion activated I am the one who can see the wisdom of the warrior spirit in me due to living like one I am the one who can see the wisdom of the wisdom of bitter people & why it's gone in the morning I am the one who has been neglecting his own divine feminity due to the crazy masculinity and unhealthy people who are to neutral and see neutral as the new way of living. All I can say for now, I am embracing sort of I presume meritocracy female drive, I dunno how to say this. It feels deeply creative and I never liked the subtle bitterness around the topic of sexuality & beign black partially also it's odd to embrace creativity, the marketing & all of this. I also miss healthy gay jokes, just for this energy if you get what I mean. But hey here I am ?some are so stuck up they can't play with this notion.

The irony of life...., I wish I could have been at a place like this earlier in my life....

I am completely deconstructing the LP course, new insight also showed me that I have different strength as what others perceive me at which is an issue in itself, yet my deep intuition also. I am not a balanced person I am innovative more, there generally speaking has to be this more single-minded focus & getting rid of talkers & people who invent notions because of different drives etc. Also staying away from ungodlike mechanical people etc. some minor stuff etc. I'll have a friend to explore psychdelics with this is good definitely. I'll also stay away from the shamers of work, and the ones who do a lot of work and just enjoy life a bit more. I don't like work shamers. I legit had a desire to be world class otherwise I would not have strained myself so immensely, also my workout etc. It's not easy to channel this now into work etc. I also feel at home with more pragmatists who are not as toxic and rigid. I feel as thought I am coming back to more conscious stuff & I hope I can still get to some peaks, there are certain people who pull me down as they ride on to deep shadows for their own confirmation and are mostly deeply ray ray and enact these ray ray type of structures etc. They miss love, very deeply. I had to give myself years of self-love to be at this place now, as my mother is compassionate, yet unloving she loves differently by energy, I deal better with practical emotional direct type of love. Not held of frustration and anger. Some withdraw to much and I am already a double withdrawn type, only with a double withdrawn type this functions better. I am not very duty bound by nature, more by intent etc. TIER 2 personality type run downs are also so different. IT's good to learn pride & love also for more experienced people and normal people at times, not the fantasy of a spiritual relationship etc. Many have to many traumas etc & bad habits etc. I'll have to see what this will be etc. I keep a healthy skeptecism with Leo and the spiritual stuff, as I don't know due to attainments beign a reality in me what is real and not with the psychdelic usage in the more recent times...

Today, was also the first day where I smelt the early morning... it's such a beautiful smell... I miss deep hard and excellent work, as a holistic form of performances, I currently struggle to implement this in my work and to underpromise and over-deliver because I enjoy the work. I am also still glad for my last psychologist, she'd be the only one I'd talk to, also if Leo would be a psychologist I'd go to him as he just gathers stuff from black people etc. I noticed everyone I meet who likes and enjoys these ancient things from africa etc, is a very good source to learn and be part of, I just turn toxic at times. All of this subtle energy currents as HSP with Andrew Tate & Donald Trump are close to gone, I drew a lot of strength from meditation alone. The issue with many spiritual folk for me is, I have to see myself even more as authority similar to the kriya-yoga advice, there are a few who'd I trust on this. Many are to dangerous with their half-assed knowing and I don't value knowledge anymore. I don't and I won't care about this aspect. Also the current cultural slide to all this latino influneced stuff based on Wisdom, is already 3-4 years old or not??? Like I dunno at times. It's so heavy 6w7 type feelings I dunno and I barely meet true ones, also mostly through psychdelics I've found deeper notions of this. I'll also stay clear of couples who are to science oriented, science = survival nowadays I've seen better and more creative scientist and people who enjoy art, it's a bit more liberterian in nature, yet I find more love here in art & creatvity. All in all things are coming to an end again, there is a huge new beginning I did not even fully start enjoying and exploring the last 7 months have been quiet exhausting and I know I push myself already quiet hard, the point is I still have a lot of shadow work to do mostly due to white society be that in family and or not, some of you remind me of how disgusting humanity is by the sheer topics they bring up, it's nice to forget seeing beauty and art. I know why JP spent all of this money into art, so he can forget the b.s he did, with all the ray ray type stuff.

Also making friends similar to my old friends, yet more conscious is extremely good. There are a lot of subtle traumas, I have yet they are not really traumas they are, it's very good if they are forgiving, when I see someone acting more masculine then they truely are and it's simply social skill there is no merit to it besides the social skill. Currently, all of it runs so well, I don't believe it it's more the immaturity of this forum & some of Leo that deeply hinders me from growing, I would generally choose more conscious people and I don't think people like Aubery Marcus are very conscious, it's truely a guru-notion, not a conscious problem solver etc. Nothing against him, yet I don't like guys who smoke cigarres to show how manly they are most of these friends are gone, I'd rather trip and go into the feminine I don't have that edge to proof myself that much tbh, do mathematics then, I don't know what is more manlier by energy than mathematics, silence, zen and heavy deep tripping. This is also a pattern I've noticed and I'll stay clear of these toxic ppl. I learned from deep masters and could build my own stuff, I am not really fond of the guru notion besides for sex and fun.

I can't relate as much, yet I'd love to be better at pick-up I do have my own issues, I bet 90% of the issues are due to non-verbal communcation and not escalating, for example I went on a Tinder date that was casual and instead of going for the non-physical round we went dancing and I escalated within the first 20 minutes of the date pretty hard kissing and touching her boobies, as she basically was just interested in intimacy and depth of connection physically. I can relate in a different way, yet I bet you'd get faster results by just physically escalating and doing some of the cringe stuff, you'd fear. First ever approach I did drunk at a party I got laid and did not even lay her as I thought this was to easy no way this just worked talking beign intimate and listening to body-language, first time I had sex with a girl for 2-4h I did not cum like Owen Cook for example tells a similar more horrendous story. 10th approach in a club, I've fingered a girl almost just by beign a bit bold and physically escalating and it was super fun, just beign better at physical cues and reading them, for example I went out with an experienced guy who was pretty hyped about my doing any approach as most guys are afraid, and I had to partially approach strangers living in a foreign country, so there is not as much inhibition, yet more a lack of social skill. He gave me feedback about some stuff, and I told him wtf do I not just kiss her? His perception and mine were totally off, yet he was more experienced, and he told me if you see it that way then just go for the instant make-out etc. I hope I can meet him again soonish and do some minor game for social skills, yet this is quiet universal. I did more other social stuff, and now I am able to read more cues from girls at work also, and I am at a highly social work place for an software engineer, so I dunno. I bet it's part of progression, what botheres me in my own development is that I am often times not doing my own analysis about my own problems and own solutions and then ask others for proper feedback, this has helped my by far the most in any endeavour... as you get closer to natural and authentic. Another example... a friend of mine knows nothing about game, yet get's laid very often due to beign natural, chill and dominante in nature, I could run a different personality analysis if that is even interesting as I saw some other sites doing this as of recently, yet he's also a chicken due to his fear of escalating, if he'd be willing to be more subtely socially acceptable cringe and kiss the girl etc. Stuff would flow way way easier. You could also look to setup your own parties and events, and social circles even if it includes food etc, even invite a girl for cooking if you've been out and definitely, or invite girls to a rave and make also guy friends, so you provide more direct value. Last two dates I've had are friends now and I got invited to a party, it's very good in that sense to broaden ones social circle and sometimes "keeping it real and close" can be a fake and defensive maneouver, I'd seriously would look into expanding ones network and see it all also as partially networking. If you did not read I'd recommend reading Chateau Heartise, yet the book is quite fked in a sense and it would show you the manipulative red side of game more than the authentic side, yet that can give you insight as into why certain approaches and certain types exist, and you can opt for the healthy alternative etc. Takes maybe a bit more energy, yet many would appreciate this. Leo's take with the current paradigm Owen runs, definitely helps a lot. Developing masculine presence for example through meditation etc. I get my fair share of toxic girls apparently also, so I dunno I was also interested in some really dirty networking, where I'd befriend OnlyFans girls just to explore my fantasy etc. Yet, one friend of mine judged me because of this now I dunno, most would love to do this, yet are again afraid... & other stuff also. This was sort of exploring my karma. I am also super afraid to go out solo, biggest thing I am afraid of is approaching the girls who I am attracted to. I did maximally 20-30 approaches in my life, so I dunno. I'd look deeper into this as a holistic aspect of social development, I've went out plenty of times as a teen most parties are extremely boring, so it takes a lot of time to enjoy even that due to going out 2-3x a week since I was 14-20 with heavy drinking, not all of it has been good, yet I make a lot of friends when I go out, even when I forget them and vice-versa. You could wing guys also and ask them if they're interested in getting girls etc. so many guys talk about this at night, especially young 21-30 even etc. etc.

The irony of intutive connections are that they are intutive and not tangible, and often would hurt others. It's extremely good to look at this and get back into the groove there are some very subtle beyond you're average shit social stuff, that is so apparent to me, that makes it difficult for me to, sometimes do my work, yet it generally feels good to be around people who are seriously aware of racism and dark humour and are not colorblind assholes, that is one thing I noticed how these two perceptions create different biases, I am only free in very deep meditative states of this and deeper meditative states. Right now making new very holistically inclinded friends who miss the hardcore type of practice, that I did solo for years. So I am building a community yeahyyy!! I also notice I have more love than the average type of guy these girls are delusionally loving at times and I notice I prefer love and empathy over compassion. Compassion is a bitch in a sense, it's odd realizing this I told this to my mother yesterday it's such a patronizing type of relationship when turned toxic and cynnical and also runs a deep ground for fundamentally deep and strong friendships.

I find clothings generally highly stimulating, adds a lot of spice & variety seeing girls naked all the time would be kind of boring, although appreciating naked bodies is something different. I walk around half naked most of the time it's the most enjoyable and artistically enjoyable to me, I dunno some people love to sleep naked, I dunno what is up with the insane attachment with feet currently. I've had this also and I generally enjoy this, also shows people who are like this a very deeply sensetive in contrast to others. I know also why I have this & it's mostly due to socialization as one of the most succesful guy in my class with girls always made fun of girls feet, beign pretty & ugly and that if her feet are bad she is of no use. (It was very fun even for the girls at this time). I dunno why you'd be envious about this, if it becomes an obession that is an issue. I generally enjoy the same things as you pedicure hands & feet wise, especially also color and smells, yet I am not envious it's more a part of a holonic expression of beauty, want it or not, it' can be and an be not part of this type of expression. I just don't enjoy the humilation type sex, I am generally also switch, so I can enjoy both, yet cross a boundary and you're most likely done for. I would look for some sexual shadows, high attraction & thinking you can't be like quality X generally applies a golden shadow which is positive. Like woefully lamenting about someones quality of beign charming, and beign in awe by this quality, are all parts of golden shadow. Tbh, I don't know what it really is, yet I would look into doing some introspection & it's most likely meritocracy level culture, surrender and divine feminity and woreship, due to the digital simp nature of our culture, I notice this especially with people who are over 35, it feels like different generations especially sexually. Also online-gaming culture amplifies this feet thing way to much and it generally is even a joke under homosexual people (as far as I can tell), so I dunno it's a very common fetish. Also foot fetish is one of the most normal fetishes you can have. You could make a gratitude practice about this... and you'd see how fast the envy dwindles and how "insane" that level of pull and attraction most likely is. For me it's similar as we made such heavy serious sexual attraction type jokes about this. I dunno for me there is also a more sensual holistic appreciation about girls bodies generally speaking at this level as without a strong fetish, you'd be able to make the part whole. I also find it playful as these parts can be quiet sensetive. It's odd, yet I get what you mean. I'll most likely have to do some work in this area to, it's also a strong display of self-care and hygine to have one of the "dirtiest" parts of the body well-groomed, besides if you like anal or smth, that part is definitely dirtier. This is the essence of some shadow work inquiry, for me personally it's related to current meritocracy culture & single mothers & even if I don't like it it is partially that way, also due to having more feminine men and a strong acceptance of feminine qualities in men and beign sensual in that way, that is even a stronger incentive, especially when young. As I grew older I realized how girls seemed to enjoy domination and I don't know how to deal with this at times, as it's partially an extremely childish notion of sex, yet many BDSM users also report higher qualities of relationships so I dunno. Whatever floats your boat in a sense. I am not that much into it, I don't enjoy it besides it's highly sensual and consensual.

Job Applications are also so weird man, I dunno I feel so gaslit by human society to burn for others and their exploitative competitive b.s. It makes it difficult to enjoy the idea of merit when it's fundamentally flawed and a very low level of motivation. Then having meaningful interactions is also not easy... I definitely don't feel I can be as happy due to some inflated self-Wörth and also the shadow side of this thing or double shadow side. I also can't tell if & how to better deal with pain. All that helps is 1h long meditation & cold showers to deal with this perception & work harder & smarter etc. I work like a bullet then usually, fast and effective.

I am going to bed at 21:00 & will wake up at 02:00 and just do the work... and enjoy the grind .... I don't know any languaging tricks anymore I'll just enjoy the grind and the hustle mentality till I burn on & burn-out, I am most happy when I am working usually... this crunch I also usually take a break etc. & clean my appartement.... also more clean living etc...These are my intentions.... Also less direct Leo watching. The maturity episode was very good, yet I seriously find it heavy of self-sustaning all of this is & I don't enjoy it that my health is fundamentally deeply affected by this many don't comprehend. It's like your IQ would be reduced by 30 points in terms of the severity of the physical injury 13-30 points and then saying, yeah bla bla bla etc. There is nothing others can do..., yet I don't know where to put in all of the other energy, it has to be my work and I've been having issues with this, yet I might do better etc. The point is all of this mico-health things where I'll look wo-wo I might have to simply do it and suck up these punches....

I never thought I missed hard work & good work ethic due to injury, it's like my "golden years" have never started & there has often been some limiting factor. I'll head to bed very early, my fundamental intention is to get back to an attitude of enjoying hardwork and priding=loving myself in this... I lost this due to dating & just bad impulse control. The best thing I can do is be a strict executer.... then be a loose spontaneous guy & a strict executer again... that means planning my fun & seeing joy in the fun of executing these plans....

Shocking to see & meet model type girls, the issue right now is beign mature & the enjoyment of beign highly mature, this today was the biggest insight. I enjoyed mature living so much I completely neglected it at one point due to the immaturity of the cool kids so to speak, and fitting in and the issue of beign cool & professional without the toxicity of it, cocain, nicotine etc. All of this is atrocious absolutely atrocious, oh man also the subtle toxicity of mature people who are young got also to me. It's odd I also attracted to many odd people. I dunno what to think & say, there is a deep itch of maturity, yet what bothers me is to see the rampant immaturity and the succesful imagery of this, and the borderline cuckhold type of provider shit, that I can't stomach and enjoy I am way to dominate and predatory for this, otherwise I would already lean into the other side of this.